Community s06e08 Episode Script

At 60 percent less fat and 20 percent less price the only thing Kolb Family's Family Pack Ham Packs don't have less of is flavor.
Ham, girl! Family Pack Ham Packs from Kolb Family Farms - the family that's pleased to meat you.
- Ham, girl! You don't know his name but you know what he says and you love how he says it.
- Ham, girl.
- Ham, girl.
- Ham, girl! - Ham, girl! - Ham, girl! - Ham, girl! So who is the man who started it all? Ben Chang, and we have him here with us today.
- You are the "ham, girl" guy.
- Heh, heh.
Yes, I am the "ham, girl" guy.
How did this happen? Well, I just kept auditioning, you know, kept working hard.
- And now Spielberg is calling.
- Ha, ha, ha.
Not, uh You know, I don't go by phone calls.
I go by contracts.
But Spielberg is interested in you for the Color Blue in the new Play-Doh movie.
Is that right? Well, maybe, you know.
Maybe.
But like I always say, you know, life is a roller coaster.
You were a teacher at a community college in Colorado.
Did you, one day in class, say, "Class dismissed.
I'm headed to Hollywood"? I mean, how did your students react to that? Well, you know, I haven't spoken to them really.
I, um - There's not much for me back there.
- No friends? You know, I was kind of a loner.
People made fun of me for it, but I just kept my head down and stayed focused on my work.
Well, they're not making fun of you now, are they? No, they are not.
Can I get a "ham, girl"? Ham, girl! You know, I don't know if that was And there it is, ladies and gentlemen.
From community college to something - a little bit better.
- Turn it off.
Ben Chang is on a rocket ship to eternal validation.
Turn it off.
Thanks so much for being Well, it's been three weeks.
I'm having his car towed.
- Here you go.
- To Chang.
May your success be brief and your colds last months.
- Jeff - Hey.
You get out of Greendale or you get me in your corner.
You don't get both.
- Ham, girl.
- Who would have predicted Chang becoming famous? I did, remember? Only I thought it would be for - Eating someone.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Think that Spielberg stuff is happening? How could that happen? That would mean the world was insane.
Ham, girl.
Not to be crass, but there is an upside to this financially.
Chang's absence lowers our insurance premiums 6 percent.
There's nothing but upsides to him leaving.
We all just feel a little short-changed.
We invested so much in him when no one else would.
Because we all assumed he was so insane he would die if we kicked him out.
And this whole time it turns out we were holding him back.
We thought he was bedrock but it turns out he was the ceiling of a cavern filled with us.
I've already forgotten his name.
Did you ever really know his name? Chinese fellow, right? Whose name was some kind of noise? Clang? Blang? Meringue? Looks like I'm the only one that's not glad he's gone.
At least I can finally clear some space on my hard drive.
Leonard's been in there but I can stand guard if you want to use the women's room.
No, I was shooting a movie with Chang before he booked "ham, girl.
" I haven't heard from him since so I assume the footage is useless.
Did he sign a release form? I make all my actors sign releases before we do anything.
You never know who is going to The school owns a movie starring the "ham, girl" guy.
Soon to be Spielberg's "ham, girl" guy.
- There's no way to finish it though.
- What have I told you about quitting? That it's sometimes the only way to survive.
Well, don't forget I said "sometimes.
" Yolanda, the mayor's up my ass.
I want justice.
Get him in here! Is that right? Should I be angry? The hero is Police Justice.
I had a former cop help me with dialogue.
- I'm gonna punch you in the heart.
- Cops aren't great with dialogue.
- I don't think police should be heroes.
- Britta, pay your rent.
I'm sorry, Abed.
I need more information.
You know, what's my motivation? Am I married? I need more to go on.
- Can we get lunch? - Okay, cut.
That's all.
Chang found out McRib was back, we lost the rest of the day.
- Great actor, huge McRib problem.
- Hm.
Everybody, this is my friend I told you about.
Maury.
A Hollywood film producer whose doctor ordered him to live in Colorado due to a medical condition.
Tell them.
- My blood nitrogen levels are through - Oh, no, no.
The other thing.
- Oh, right.
If you can cut an 81 -minute movie that arguable stars the "Ham, girl" guy I can guarantee distribution and a fast turnaround deal.
People do it with old footage from recently-famous actors.
Have you seen Vin Diesel in 1996's Happy Pants? - No.
- Well, neither has Vin Diesel but his roommate from film school saw 500 grand.
I can't just burn up my cop drama.
My only chance at the success I need before I'm allowed to make weird stuff for money.
My American Graffiti.
Elephant Man, Four Rooms - The Robert Rodriguez segment.
- Why does it have to be a police movie? People don't even like police now.
They like dinosaurs, aliens.
Anything Chris Pratt can join forces with.
I have three minutes of footage and He's clearly a police chief behind a desk in New York.
- Is he? Or is it Space York? Or is it a dinosaur desk? How do I know? You just have to add CG.
That's what they do with Chris Pratt.
They put him in a regular scene and then they add some gagoos.
I have a few CG models of some gagoos.
I got fired from a mouthwash commercial but I successfully won back the rights to my gingivitis monster.
Also, I don't know if it helps, but when I moved into my RV, I found this.
Now, you notice anything strange? There's no green three in billiards.
Now, there's a green six and a green 14, but never a green three.
So, what sport is this from? And why was it in my RV? Anyway, I can do some CG for the movie.
You'll need a Chris Pratt.
I'll do it if I have to.
I can slouch.
Can't believe you are the ones pitching me this and I'm saying no.
You're not saying no.
I mean, legally I can't force you.
But I can do a morning announcement that'll make everyone hate you forever.
Technically, Abed, you would be robbing the school for half a million dollars by not making this.
- But what movie? - Have you not been listening? The movie about the "Ham, girl" guy in his space office, fighting some gagoos led by a Chris Pratt type played by Jeffrey without his shirt.
- It shoots this weekend.
- Yeah.
Okay.
But I get final cut.
It has to be a good movie.
You have to finish that cut by Monday, even if it's bad.
But it has to be good by my standards.
Absolutely, and also if it's terrible, nobody will notice or care.
We're gonna make a good movie? Definitely, or a bad one.
Probably a bad one.
We're all on the same page.
- Yeah.
- I guess so.
All right.
Guys.
- So let's crap out this piece of crap.
- That attitude concerns me.
I need more information What's my motivation? I need more to go on.
My name is Chief Starr! And I'm in the stars! And I'm the hero.
I deserve better.
You're a very gifted pilot, Chief Starr.
I'm the mayor of Outer Space.
Why are we changing course? The mayor's up my ass! Father! I love him! What in the space? Yooba-dooba-dooba.
- We're under attack! - By whom, GlipGlop? Okay.
Cut! - Why are we cutting? - Felt good to me.
Moving on? - Just a couple of adjustments.
- You get two.
Move when the ship gets hit.
It looks weird when you stand still.
Britta, it sounds weird when you use good grammar.
- My character can't have good grammar? - Not in a space battle.
Everything else sounds natural, like I'm a space senator.
Mayor.
I'm matching your dialogue to what I have from Chang.
- What are my lines? - You don't have any.
- You're the backup Chang.
- But we have Chang's footage.
This shot matches the back of Chang's shot.
Chang is Chief Starr, he's the pilot of a spaceship.
- You're Princess Meridian.
- Brittana.
Jeff is her father, the mayor of Space, and you guys are under attack.
Action.
What in the space? We're under attack! Cut.
Where are you guys seeing GlipGlop? - You said GlipGlop was the tennis ball.
- Garrett's not GlipGlop? If I was GlipGlop, why would I be holding a tennis ball on a stick? Why wear a blouse? It's sci-fi, it doesn't matter.
Please don't say that.
I know you don't mean that.
The tennis ball is GlipGlop and please stumble in the same direction.
Go! Action! Bang! What in space? Yooba-dooba-dooba.
We're under attack! Who by? Who attack? Me princess.
It's the Sporborfians! Okay.
I'm ready.
Are you ready? Are we rolling? Are we rolling? We're rolling! Get to the escape pods.
For real? You picked that outfit? - Britta! I - It's Meridian.
Keep going.
Insane.
And what is your name, Exploitia? Scorpio Nine.
I'm a pleasure droid.
- No.
I'm an assassin? - You're both.
Keep going.
She was a pleasure droid, turned into an assassin.
She's my other daughter.
Your sister.
Get to the escape pods.
And then we go.
This way.
Check on Chief Starr, Jeff.
Chief Starr? What? - I'll see you in hell.
- What? Mayor, your ass is grass.
Okay, cut.
- There are some things that we could - Okay, moving on, people! Okay, moving on! Next shot, Space Station Faculty Lounge, thank you.
Abed.
We need to move a little faster, I think.
- Can I explain something? - Wish you'd look at what I was wearing and let that be all the explanation you need about our standards.
You understand sci-fi films aren't improvised over a weekend with a cast and crew that doesn't care? We care about finishing.
And this has to be finished by Monday so you back into a level of quality from there.
Let me use a metaphor I can understand.
Every day I work out.
- Really? - Because I'm not an artist like you but this is a kind of canvas.
I work on it with equipment, but I will never really be done.
- Could be if you wanted.
You're - This will never be done.
Chris Pratt's never gonna stop, is he? He'll always be mocking me.
So I can never stop.
Just like you'll never stop making movies.
But I don't stay on one treadmill my entire life staring at commercials for movies with Chris Pratt.
I take my work into the world.
I "premiere" it.
I share it with the public.
Don't stay in the gym, Abed.
Get this session done, get out there and get your shirt off.
Got it? Yes? Yes.
I'm ready.
Let's do this.
I understand you're looking for you friend? - Yeah.
- I'm Minotaur Man.
- What? - Friends are hard to come by in space.
You'd better take this for protection.
The sound you hear coming from that gun I gave you is 40,000 hyper-watts of laser.
Ha, ha, ha.
Oh, don't worry about that.
I can put that back.
Sometimes my eye falls off because I'm a robot.
- Ah! - Watch out! Ah! How about this bar? Everyone here is so accustomed to violence.
Ha, ha.
I need I need to know - Where your friends are? - Yeah.
You're not gonna like this.
Your friends have been taken prisoner by Master Master Dracula.
Wild west, baby.
Space version of the wild west.
Ha, ha, ha.
Cut.
Okay.
My eye fell off.
But I I covered.
Unh.
Unh.
- Perfect.
Moving on.
Hallway.
- Yes! Take that! This is crazy.
Here, let me do this.
What are you doing? You make everything harder for all women when you do that.
I'm improvising.
Improvise pockets! Pay your rent or shut up! Laser bomb! Yooba-dooba-dooba! GlipGlop like.
Yooba-dooba-dooba.
Yooba-dooba-dooba.
Yooba-dooba-dooba.
So the robot also says, "Yooba-dooba"? I'm not complaining, it's just that everyone who's not a person is saying: - "Yooba-dooba" - Maybe it's because I'm a spy.
He's a spy! I'm an evil spy.
GlipGlop is a spy! GlipGlop's a spy? We went with it.
Okay, shot, shot.
Okay, now that Now that he's dead and there's one robot left, let's go through the thing.
Go.
Yooba-dooba-dooba.
Yooba-dooba-dooba.
Yooba-dooba-dooba.
Whoa! Ah! Space garbage.
- Look! - Ah! We're gonna get crushed.
And is there a monster? - Eeh! - Ah! But so what? We're gonna get crushed.
- Uh I love you? - I love you.
That's your daughter.
- You're my daughter.
- You said we were sisters, dumb-ass.
That's hot.
It's like Chinatown in space.
- And I'm the hero? - Yay! - Let's do this.
- Yeah! Ha, ha, ha.
They're saved! Ha, ha.
I feel the force.
What? I don't feel the force, I'm not allowed to.
What do I feel? I feel Dracula force.
I feel Dracula signals.
Your ass is mine.
That last stunt you pulled put six of my best guys in the hospital, maniac.
I'm more than a maniac.
I'm Dracula.
Jesus Chr Jesus Christ.
Oh, my God! Jesus Christ, they shot him.
Who am I? What's my motivation? Why am I doing or saying anything I'm saying or doing? I need more I need more than what I'm getting.
Oh! It's incredible.
It's incredible.
Congratulations.
- How long is it? - Eighty-seven minutes.
Get it to 8-1.
That means 81.
I'll make some calls, we'll premiere this thing - and we'll get your school a check.
- Oh.
- So which six minutes should we cut? - Oh.
Jeff"s death scene probably, right? Yeah.
- Mine? - Yeah, in the space dungeon? - There's no Chang in that.
- How long is Jeff"s death scene? Yeah, how long is it? We're really zeroing in on it.
Do you think I'm frightened? These chains were forged from the iron of Ganymede.
I'm not gonna tell you where he is.
I'd rather die.
Hm.
Seems pretty important he doesn't give up Chang.
Otherwise the last thing he says to him is, "I'll see you in hell.
" - Uh - It's not really a movie about him.
- Yeah.
- Well, what about your steel drum solo? I don't think we should lose that.
What about the weird wedding ritual on GlipGlop's planet, huh? Um, okay, let's not throw out the baby with the bathwater.
- We're not cutting a frame of GlipGlop.
That's like cutting Cowboy out of Midnight Cowboy.
Jeff"s death scene is six minutes, 30 seconds.
- There you go.
- Okay, cool.
Easy enough.
Um, should we? Before we finish editing should we get those hornets out of the garbage? The swarming hornets? - Is that serious? - Is he doing a bit? That's a long bit.
Oh, he's serious.
I mean, let's face it.
It's pretty obvious when he's acting.
Let's do this.
Yo, yo, yo, howdy.
Welcome to Kyle Beiderman's editing tutorials.
I'm Kyle Beiderman.
Yeah, that Kyle Beiderman.
Leave me alone, Abed.
Once I watch this tutorial on how editing works I'm gonna save this movie without removing its soul.
Step one, how to correctly label your files.
No, no.
Who cares about labeling files? Teach me to edit.
What the hell was that? - You stay away.
This is my movie too.
- Not even a movie.
It's a piece of crap.
- Doesn't mean it can't be good.
- It's basically what it means.
You stay away, Abed.
I'm not kidding.
I'm huge and I have zero blood sugar.
I will kill you in these Frisbees and nobody will ever find you.
Okay, so now let's get familiar with the user interface.
No! Just teach me to edit! - Boing-tanga! - Argh! I'm going to kill you! - You're killing me.
- I told you.
You're literally killing me.
- For real? - Yes.
Are you nuts? What is wrong with you? Every single one of you is gonna leave here except for me.
Troy, Shirley.
Annie's gonna be president.
Even Pierce got to die.
Now Chang goes to Hollywood so we force you to make the crappiest movie of all time then force you to make it crappier.
We watch it, it's not even bad.
The part I accidentally got most excited about is the seven minutes we can cut.
- You know what that means? - I'm a genius.
We knew that.
I finally know in my heart that I will literally be the last one of us here.
And I know they gave digital muscles to Chris Pratt in Guardians of the Galaxy.
I watched Parks and Rec.
- There's no scientific explanation for - Jeff.
You helped me learn something about filmmaking we need to apply to life.
It's okay to plan stuff, figure out what we did wrong.
Plans are randomly gonna fall apart, lessons are randomly gonna be wrong.
If we keep the cameras rolling and shoot a lot of crap eventually Annie is going to reach down her shirt and pull out a laser bomb.
I didn't write that.
We didn't plan that.
God made that happen.
God made this movie and it's dumb.
And we're dumb for being in it.
Life is a big, dumb, pointless movie with no story and an abrupt ending where the hero gets shot by Dracula in the middle of a lunch order during an outtake but somewhere, every once in a while Annie reaches down her shirt.
So we keep the cameras rolling.
We edit out the parts we don't like and we stop thinking about Chris Pratt so much because it is not healthy.
Will you do me a favor? I never tell anybody about our private conversations.
Let's cut my stupid scene out of this of crap.
- And won't we need to add 30 seconds? - I have an idea about that.
Who am I? What's my motivation? Why am I doing or saying anything I'm saying or doing.
I need more I need more than what I'm getting.
Aw.
Hello, Chief Starr.
I told you I'd see you in hell.
- And look who else is here.
- Yooba-dooba-dooba! - Yeah! - Yeah, Abed! Yow! Ha, ha, ha.
Whoo-hoo-hoo! Oh, great job, you guys, on the new ending.
And I like that the guy actually saw him in hell.
Right? Hold on, phone call from the distributor.
Get ready for a big check.
Hello? Wait.
Calm down.
What's Chapter 11? Wait What's YouTube? Wait, what's broadband? - What's digital? - I don't have a good feeling about that.
I don't have a good feeling about Chang staying bankable.
Did you see this news story? I'll never look at a hot air balloon in the same way again.
- Or James Franco's ball.
- Ugh.
No.
I'll tell you what I do have Bring it in.
- Aw.
- Come here, guys.
- Guys, we do the thing.
- We did it.
Yooba-dooba-dooba! Yooba-dooba! All right.
One more for safety, Ben.
What do you mean? I just don't know if we got the line, "Hold on, Slinky.
" Let's move on.
I think Can? Can we get one more? You got it.
Come on.
Hold on, Slinky.
Let's go.
I think it was fine, but Steven's kind of a stickler.
Tell Steven Spielberg to lick my butt.
Well, he's right here, so Hey, Steven.
Spielberg.
Can you give us a sec? Yes.
- Ben? - Yup? So I I guess we're good for today.
Great job.
You were right.
We got everything we need and there's a small door in the back.
Back of the booth there, that will take you, you know, outside and we'll talk soon.
- I don't go the way I came? - You do not.
There's a little door back there and it goes right on out.
Thank you so much.
Okay.
Okay.
- Okay, Randall, are you ready? - Yep.
Which brings us to the issue of our cosmetology department who, once again, find themselves Who once again find themselves nearing the end of the semester without any free haircut volunteers.
That may be due to last semester's lice scare.
Totally.
Yep.
"Guaranteed No Lice.
" - Something like that.
- That would open you up to lawsuits.
"Son, we live in a world that has walls and those walls have to be guarded by men with hair clippers.
" - Pink Floyd.
- Ugh.
- You're the worst.
- What? - Oh, she is the worst.
- Terrible.
- I can't believe she said that.
- Have you seen any movie? Name one.
- It's an unrelated thought - Britta's the worst! - Seriously, what happened to you? - I don't know.