Connecting... (2020) s01e06 Episode Script
Day 135
1
[discordant piano notes]
♪
[light piano music]
Okay, before she gets on,
what do we think about Annie
moving back to Orlando
to live with her parents?
I know. It's crazy, I don't like it.
Superior orange juice.
Wait, Annie's moving back home?
Yeah, she told the
Gossip Girls last night.
Honorary member.
- Also founding member.
- And then Michelle told me
right after Annie told you guys.
- Couples confidentiality clause.
- Rufus, how'd you know?
How did I know?
How d how didn't I know.
[scoffs]
- Orlando? Like, Florida?
- No, Orlando like Bloom, Ben.
Gosh, first the NBA, now Annie.
Oh, my God. Do I want
to move to Florida?
Why, so you can see
your Clippers lose to the Lakers again?
Dang, Garret, Kawhi
you gotta be so rude?
They're just acclimating
to life in the bubble.
They haven't seen their
families for months.
Oh, can I be a basketball person?
But Annie can't go.
I mean, she's our family.
Well, technically,
she's her family's family.
Maybe she misses them.
She's just going stir crazy.
What Annie needs is
some local, COVID-approved,
quarantine bae
- for some quarantine "Hey."
- Ooh!
You speak as if from experience.
Well, I can neither confirm nor deny
that I may or may not
be getting some regularly
scheduled maintenance.
What? Good for you.
Well, you know maybe Annie
is one of those people
That has trouble
divorcing sex and feelings,
Which I've heard is a thing.
I'll tell you what Annie
won't have trouble with
[Southern accent] Aah!
All them gentlemen callers
- in them central Florida suburbs.
- [Southern Accent] Mm-hmm,
just fields of former high school flames
Turned husband material
with real estate licenses
just awaiting Miss Annie's return.
You do know that Florida
isn't the Deep South, right?
Well, where is it then? The Lower East?
Hey, y'all. Sorry I'm late.
I was talking to this guy
who might sublet my apartment.
- So this move is for real?
- Yeah.
You think my downstairs
neighbors will mind
He's an online Muay Thai instructor?
Why, because of the noise,
or because of a potentially
asymptomatic virus carrier
penetrating their bubble of safety?
This whole thing is madness.
No, you know what's madness?
I haven't left my
apartment in five months.
My parents' house has a pool,
my mom makes the best ropa vieja,
and the humidity sucks,
but it's great for my skin.
[laughs] Yeah, 'cause your
skin is hideous here.
I'm paying a ton of money
in LA rent and for what?
I can't see the city or my friends,
And it's not like I have a boyfriend
- to you know, you know
- Have sex with?
Use to drive in the HOV lane?
Oh, tap dance with at
the Griffith Park Observatory?
We'll still be able to chat
on video like we do now.
Question: does your mom
make the ropa vieja
- with her own sofrito?
- Absolutely.
Follow-up question:
can I move in with your parents too?
No. No one is moving.
Life, relationships,
friendships are tenuous.
We must stay close. We must.
- Was that a haiku?
- I think so. We'll be right back.
Uh, where did everyone go?
This is my Scheme Team breakout room.
Ugh, no. No, Rufus, no more schemes.
I almost lost a kidney last time.
Every Thelma needs a Louise.
Do you know how that movie ends? No.
Why do you always pick
me for these things?
Because you're easily swayed,
and this is a scheme to
keep Annie in Los Angeles.
All right, I guess I'll hear you out.
One person moves away,
and the entire friend
group chemistry is disrupted
Like an atom losing an electron.
Next thing you know,
it's just you, your tears,
and the artisanal IPA
you brew in your bathtub.
I didn't know we meant that much to you,
Or that that was how you
were making that beer!
When we were working retail together,
and you, Annie, and Ellis
accidentally invited me
to dinner at Michelle and Garret's,
It gave me that warm,
fuzzy feeling you get
when you see Colin Firth
in a romantic comedy.
I do not get the appeal of that dude.
If Annie leaves,
I know where this goes:
back to loneliness.
Where I thrive, but still.
All right.
- What's the plan?
- Simple.
We keep the electron from gravitating
towards a higher affinity atom.
We stop Annie from leaving,
- starting with a little blackmail.
- Wait, we're blackmailing her?
- I'll explain everything in the group.
- Why can't you tell me right here?
Where did you guys go?
- Hand sanitizer.
- Uh, yeah
We're launching a
whole new product line.
Guys, it's August.
No one cares about
hand sanitizer anymore.
We've all just given up.
[clears throat]
Annie Diaz,
would you describe your
relationship with your mother,
Marta Alejandra Diaz,
as being congruent,
politically speaking?
- Why do you know my mom's full name?
- Great question.
May I present to you my deposition.
Exhibit A: a post from Annie's
social media reading,
"Defund the Police."
Yeah, that's not how depositions work
Exactly. Exhibit B.
An email from Marta
reading, "Refund the Police."
What? My mom said that?
A house in suburban Florida divided.
The defense rests.
That's still not a deposition, bro.
You know, my dad sends
me daily email forwards
About how Bill Gates is trying
to kill us with a vaccine.
What Bill Gates ever do to anyone?
Windows 95, Clippy,
Minesweeper
Wait, why is my mom
sending you emails?
Parents love me.
I've been told it's
my childlike sense of wonder.
Annie, if you're gonna have
drama with your parents,
You know, I mean, maybe
you shouldn't move back home.
Oh, it's fine. I just need to school
my mom on the state of our country.
Thankfully, I do my homework.
Your social media
activism has been on point.
You didn't even fall
for the black square.
I don't know, Annie.
The brain loses elasticity as we age
Making it very hard to change.
Our parents minds
are like a pair of suede pants.
Hey, that's not always true.
My mom and I had a huge falling out
when I decided to have my
gender confirmation surgery,
and it took a lot of time,
and energy, but now Janice
and I are stronger than ever.
We owe it to our parents
to give them the chance
- to grow as people.
- Exactly.
My mom's a good person.
She just doesn't have
all the right info.
Luckily, I've got killer
rhetoric-al skills.
- You mean "rhetorical"?
- No, not like a rhetorical question.
Rhetoric-al, as in rhetoric
but the adjective of it.
Yeah, this is maybe not gonna
go as smooth as you think.
♪
[light piano music]
- Annie.
- Annabelle!
- Dimelo.
- Why are you in different rooms?
Because your mom doesn't understand
the perfect AC temperature
is 67 degrees.
For the walk-in refrigerator at Costco.
- Okay, Mo
- Oh, and speaking of Costco
She emptied out the store for you.
What about you, Señor Samples?
- They're free.
- Ay, Annie, I got you
those carbonated waters
that you like that smell like ChapStick.
Also this hair towel
because you never dry
your hair after the shower,
and it's bad for your sinuses.
- Mom, I'm not a kid anymore!
- You are my youngest.
You will always be my baby.
Actually, I wanted to
talk to you about
Ooh, I almost forgot the travel suit!
I saw it on QVC.
Let me send it to you.
Mom, that looks insane.
It's already on the way.
No, you have to talk to
me about these things!
You can't just assume that I'm gonna
Ooh, you're gonna be here in time
For Mileidys's baby shower! Oy.
You know, she had a very hard time
Getting pregnant, pobresita.
She tried everything.
She even wore the evil eye
on her wrists and her ankles.
Nothing. They had to mortgage the house
In order to pay for
the fertility treatment.
Dios mío, qué cosa!
♪
That "Refund the Police"
email was clutch!
Both: Scheme Team!
All right, now for phase two.
I'm hacking into Annie's newsfeeds
and flooding them with targeted ads
To remind her of how much Florida sucks.
Check it out.
Alligator insurance,
local congressmen,
- and this gross dating website I found.
- Wow.
Hey, are we doing the right thing?
Last thing I wanna do is hurt Annie.
Ben, a Scheme
requires full transparency.
Is there something else
going on between you two?
With me and Annie? No,
no, we're just friends.
I mean, there was this one
intense moment in Chicago
where I thought there
may have been a vibe,
But she told me a story
about how she could never date a friend,
which definitely killed the vibe.
Mmm, vibes are a fragile wavelength.
Like friend groups,
they need to be lovingly maintained.
Now, can we please
manipulate our good pal
- into staying in LA with us?
- Let's do it.
♪
Pero how do you know the
police have too much money?
I think the police
don't have enough money.
Mom, they're like
the Kardashian-Jenners.
They have so much they're
being irresponsible with it.
Stormi did not need her own
theme park for her birthday.
- That was too much for Stormi.
- No. That is true.
50% of most city
budgets go to the police.
That's way too much.
How do you know it's too much?
Are you city planner, hmm?
You could've been a city planner.
You used to do that afterschool program.
What was it called?
- Youth in Congress.
- Yes.
You learned so much from that.
Too bad you ruined your
life by becoming a writer.
Mom, it's okay for
people in my generation
to pursue their passions.
Passions do not pay the bills, mija.
I'm in construction, and
I have a passion for it.
- Ramón, please!
- Agh.
Look, this issue is
bigger than police funding.
It's a systemic racial issue.
Did you know 35% of African American men
are incarcerated while only 50% aren't?
What about the other 15%?
- What?
- 35 plus 50 is 85.
No, Ramón?
Oh, I can talk now?
Entonces? Where's the other 15%?
Um
Well, I know it's a real thing.
I shared an article on, um
Hold on, let me just Mmm
Maybe they didn't fill out the survey
About if they were
incarcerated maybe?
That's the thing about surveys.
Not everyone fills them out
sometimes, so
Mija, you can't trust
everything you read
on the internet.
Do you get Fox News in LA?
[downbeat piano music]
It was so embarrassing!
My mom ran circles around me
in a political argument! My mom.
Up until about a month ago,
she though RBG was a clothing designer.
So does this mean
you're not moving home?
Well, I wasn't going to,
but then I started seeing
all these ads for Florida,
- and it made me nostalgic.
- Both: Nostalgic?
Yeah, I forgot how cute alligators are.
You hear that, Rufus?
She's feeling nostalgic!
Also my ex-boyfriend from high school
who used to be in a one-man
Kid Rock cover band
So a Kid Rock impersonator,
because that's what that is.
He got his real estate license,
and he's super rich now.
He has the huge house
next to Joey Fatone.
We're just friends, but he said if
things with my parents get weird,
I can stay with him.
Although I prefer not to
because he's always tries to
make me sing the Sheryl Crow part
- of the song "Picture."
- [cell phone dings]
[Southern accent] Well, if
it isn't Mr. Husband Material
Here to sweep you away
to his most certainly
- tacky McMansion.
- [cell phones dinging]
[Southern accent] Oh,
Mr. Former Kid Rock,
- I do accept this rock on my finger.
- Okay, guys.
Florida is not the South.
Oh, well, look at its location on a map.
Ben, Rufus, what's
with the phone pinging?
You guys still talking
about hand sanitizer?
- 100%, yes.
- 100%, big time, big time.
Yeah, what is going on with you two?
Yeah, I know Ben is easily swayed,
but this level of interest
in a Rufus-driven business
is entirely suspect.
- I am not easily swayed!
- [cell phone dings]
- Oh, come on.
- Oh, you totally are.
- Okay, fine.
- Guys, can we focus?
I know defunding the police
is the right thing to do,
I just don't know how to get
my parents to know that.
They do not play fair.
They use Jedi mind tricks.
My mom won an argument with me once
by staring at me without blinking.
I'm still working on a rebuttal.
Well, take it from a three-time
Mountain State regional debate champ,
You gotta get inside
the competition's head.
And what's inside your mom's head
is a deep and unquestioning
love of the cops
because that's exactly what
American TV and film has put there.
I guess if people haven't had
a negative experience personally,
like, say, every black
person in America,
It's hard for them to see the cops
- as anything but the good guys.
- Yeah, meanwhile,
I was in my twenties when
I realized that the "bad boys"
in the theme song from "Cops"
weren't the cops.
They have too much money.
In LA we give them $2 billion a year.
If only we could spend a little
bit of that on public education,
then Richie and I wouldn't
have to take out a loan
to pay 28 grand to pay
for virtual private school,
which is just Big Bird on an iPad!
Wait, 28
You are sending me the 20 bucks
you owe me from poker now.
I said we needed a loan!
Yeah, people don't realize
that "defund the police"
- just means fund other departments.
- Like social workers, you know,
so a man with a gun
and 16 weeks of training
- doesn't answer mental health calls.
- I wish I could just
bring you guys with me
to talk to my parents.
You can't bring us,
but we can help you prepare.
Ooh.
- Ooh, a project, a project!
- Debate team!
I love a good mise-en-place!
Also you can bring Ben.
- You can?
- Oh, okay.
Thanks, Ben.
Rufus, these schemes
aren't working, bruh.
Look, if Annie wants to move home,
- I think we just gotta let her go.
- You can't! She likes you.
What?
Annie likes you, and I
think you like her too.
I think that's why you agreed
to this scheme In the first place.
You've been Colin Firth the whole time.
No, no, no, she told me in Chicago
she could never date a friend.
You know what's great
about this country?
People are allowed
to change their minds.
They're even allowed to
admit that they were wrong.
Wait
Is that why you wanted
me on your Scheme Team?
Am I your emergency backup plan?
- How do you mean?
- How do I know you're not
lying to get me to help you
save your friend group molecule.
What? I never lie!
You're lying to Annie right now!
Okay, Annie I am lying to.
Yes, but do you really wanna
lose her to a fake Kid Rock
that lives next door
to a real Joey Fatone!?
Okay, what? Now I gotta help
her get along with her parents?
That's what she'll think,
but actually you'll be feeding her
the exact wrong things to say.
It's Scheme Team phase three,
- a Reverse-Cyrano.
- A reverse-what?
Scheme Team!
I just paid the check
on a brand new car ♪
You wanna get to know
me? I'm a brand new star ♪
I came to impress,
that's the way I are ♪
Say it with my chest
until this day comes ♪
I just might invest, think
I'll start with the watches ♪
Who do you protect,
N-A-P with the frost ♪
Not doing any less
than my best, so start ♪
Get upset, take a rest,
you watch ♪
Young way, strong way ♪
Get you in the morning ♪
Broadway, Broadway ♪
Put up an act on Broadway ♪
Do a little dance,
sing a little jam ♪
Pick up the Benz
and brace yourself ♪
Do a little dance,
sing a little jam ♪
Pick up the Benz
and brace yourself ♪
I know you feel it ♪
The animation ♪
I know you can't animate ♪
♪
In front of millions ♪
Your motivation ♪
Just be yourself ♪
Animation ♪
Hey, you ready?
Yeah, I think so. I got my talking
points, my non-talking points,
- My turtle neck, my cotton balls.
- You got this.
"You're gonna eat lightning
and crap thunder."
It's from "Rocky."
Just remember, I'll be hiding
as a non-video participant.
Your parents will not notice that,
but I'll be with you the whole time.
Why are you so great?
That's what friends are for.
Thanks, Ben. It means a lot
having you in my corner.
♪
Okay.
Here goes nothing.
[keys clacking]
[light piano music]
- Hey.
- Hi, mija.
Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad. Gimme one second.
[keys clacking,]
- [computer dings]
- [computer beeps]
Okay, I understand
political conversations
can be tricky, so I wanted
to ease into it
and talk about
"Personal finances"?
Ay, now she's finally
ready to hear my YouTube
- on how to balance a checkbook?
- You need some money, mija?
Sorry, actually
let's discuss
[keys clacking]
- [computer dings]
- All the TV remotes?
We have asked your brother so
many times for this one thing.
There's a remote for the TV,
a remote for the speakers,
A remote for the cable box,
a remote for the streaming box
It doesn't make sense! And he refuses!
After everything I did.
Marta, relax.
Te va a dar algo!
You know what?
Let's forget the icebreakers.
Mom, I wanted to talk about
your refund the police email.
Annabelle, please, you wanna
give your mom a heart attack?
We already know she's gonna
be talking about those remotes
- until next week!
- Just hear me out.
I realize I feel passionately
about a lot of issues,
But I also recognize
I take in a lot of my news from TikTok.
All I know is, it seems as if
the system is broken.
Maybe if we had better healthcare,
Mileidys wouldn't have
to mortgage her house
to pay for fertility treatments.
I mean, what if I have fertility issues?
Por Dios, no! My grandkids, no!
Not that I'm planning
to have kids anytime soon,
but, my friend Pradeep
is about to pay $28,000
in private school because
public schools are inadequate.
Remember Youth in Congress,
the program in high school you
thought could change my life?
It's lost its funding.
- Oh, qué lástima.
- No.
The funding for so many things
that could change people's lives
is just disappearing or never
been there in the first place.
It just feels as if we're spending
the wealth of this country
in ways that don't benefit
the people that live in it.
Defunding the police is not
about removing the police,
the police will still be here.
It won't make us any less safe.
It'll just make us more whole.
Mom?
- You're frozen.
- No, I'm thinking.
- We get to keep the police?
- Yes, we just take
some of their money
and spend it in better ways.
All this defund talk is scary
with all these protests.
But maybe
you're right
It does feel like things need to change.
America is always trying
to make itself better.
That's why we came here,
but it takes work.
Annie, I'm proud
you're out there trying.
The younger generation,
we make fun of you and your TikyTok,
but we are inspired by you.
You give us hope.
Thanks, Dad.
I can't wait for you to come home.
Me too. I love you guys.
We love you, baby.
Send me a picture when
you try on the hazmat suit.
Hmm?
[warm piano music]
♪
Where'd you go?
I thought you were gonna
help me pee lightning
And pass hail stones or whatever.
I know. I just felt like
you didn't need me.
You know, maybe you
do better on your own.
Ben, I'm always gonna need you.
Who's gonna make fun of
my horrible impressions?
I mean, they are horrible.
Impressions aren't
even cool to begin with,
So when you do them badly,
it's just very confusing.
Why are you smiling? [laughs]
I don't know. I watching you
with your parents, it was just
It's like seeing you
on a whole other level.
[chuckles] Yeah, I have
no memory of what I said.
Well, it was pretty amazing.
You really moving back home?
I don't know.
You think I should?
- No.
- No?
No. I'd miss you.
- You would?
- Yes. I would.
Look, you gotta make
your own decision,
and I know we're just talking
through screens right now,
but, the thought of you
moving to another screen
in a different time zone,
2,500 miles away,
yeah, you can put me down
for a no on that one.
Okay.
I'll take it under advisement.
Hey, how did you know?
Know I don't know. Know what?
That Orlando was 2,500 miles away?
Aw, yeah, I just I just guessed.
- Why? Is it?
- Yeah, 2,500 miles.
I looked it up.
- Good night, Ben.
- Good night, Annie.
♪
[discordant piano notes]
♪
[light piano music]
Okay, before she gets on,
what do we think about Annie
moving back to Orlando
to live with her parents?
I know. It's crazy, I don't like it.
Superior orange juice.
Wait, Annie's moving back home?
Yeah, she told the
Gossip Girls last night.
Honorary member.
- Also founding member.
- And then Michelle told me
right after Annie told you guys.
- Couples confidentiality clause.
- Rufus, how'd you know?
How did I know?
How d how didn't I know.
[scoffs]
- Orlando? Like, Florida?
- No, Orlando like Bloom, Ben.
Gosh, first the NBA, now Annie.
Oh, my God. Do I want
to move to Florida?
Why, so you can see
your Clippers lose to the Lakers again?
Dang, Garret, Kawhi
you gotta be so rude?
They're just acclimating
to life in the bubble.
They haven't seen their
families for months.
Oh, can I be a basketball person?
But Annie can't go.
I mean, she's our family.
Well, technically,
she's her family's family.
Maybe she misses them.
She's just going stir crazy.
What Annie needs is
some local, COVID-approved,
quarantine bae
- for some quarantine "Hey."
- Ooh!
You speak as if from experience.
Well, I can neither confirm nor deny
that I may or may not
be getting some regularly
scheduled maintenance.
What? Good for you.
Well, you know maybe Annie
is one of those people
That has trouble
divorcing sex and feelings,
Which I've heard is a thing.
I'll tell you what Annie
won't have trouble with
[Southern accent] Aah!
All them gentlemen callers
- in them central Florida suburbs.
- [Southern Accent] Mm-hmm,
just fields of former high school flames
Turned husband material
with real estate licenses
just awaiting Miss Annie's return.
You do know that Florida
isn't the Deep South, right?
Well, where is it then? The Lower East?
Hey, y'all. Sorry I'm late.
I was talking to this guy
who might sublet my apartment.
- So this move is for real?
- Yeah.
You think my downstairs
neighbors will mind
He's an online Muay Thai instructor?
Why, because of the noise,
or because of a potentially
asymptomatic virus carrier
penetrating their bubble of safety?
This whole thing is madness.
No, you know what's madness?
I haven't left my
apartment in five months.
My parents' house has a pool,
my mom makes the best ropa vieja,
and the humidity sucks,
but it's great for my skin.
[laughs] Yeah, 'cause your
skin is hideous here.
I'm paying a ton of money
in LA rent and for what?
I can't see the city or my friends,
And it's not like I have a boyfriend
- to you know, you know
- Have sex with?
Use to drive in the HOV lane?
Oh, tap dance with at
the Griffith Park Observatory?
We'll still be able to chat
on video like we do now.
Question: does your mom
make the ropa vieja
- with her own sofrito?
- Absolutely.
Follow-up question:
can I move in with your parents too?
No. No one is moving.
Life, relationships,
friendships are tenuous.
We must stay close. We must.
- Was that a haiku?
- I think so. We'll be right back.
Uh, where did everyone go?
This is my Scheme Team breakout room.
Ugh, no. No, Rufus, no more schemes.
I almost lost a kidney last time.
Every Thelma needs a Louise.
Do you know how that movie ends? No.
Why do you always pick
me for these things?
Because you're easily swayed,
and this is a scheme to
keep Annie in Los Angeles.
All right, I guess I'll hear you out.
One person moves away,
and the entire friend
group chemistry is disrupted
Like an atom losing an electron.
Next thing you know,
it's just you, your tears,
and the artisanal IPA
you brew in your bathtub.
I didn't know we meant that much to you,
Or that that was how you
were making that beer!
When we were working retail together,
and you, Annie, and Ellis
accidentally invited me
to dinner at Michelle and Garret's,
It gave me that warm,
fuzzy feeling you get
when you see Colin Firth
in a romantic comedy.
I do not get the appeal of that dude.
If Annie leaves,
I know where this goes:
back to loneliness.
Where I thrive, but still.
All right.
- What's the plan?
- Simple.
We keep the electron from gravitating
towards a higher affinity atom.
We stop Annie from leaving,
- starting with a little blackmail.
- Wait, we're blackmailing her?
- I'll explain everything in the group.
- Why can't you tell me right here?
Where did you guys go?
- Hand sanitizer.
- Uh, yeah
We're launching a
whole new product line.
Guys, it's August.
No one cares about
hand sanitizer anymore.
We've all just given up.
[clears throat]
Annie Diaz,
would you describe your
relationship with your mother,
Marta Alejandra Diaz,
as being congruent,
politically speaking?
- Why do you know my mom's full name?
- Great question.
May I present to you my deposition.
Exhibit A: a post from Annie's
social media reading,
"Defund the Police."
Yeah, that's not how depositions work
Exactly. Exhibit B.
An email from Marta
reading, "Refund the Police."
What? My mom said that?
A house in suburban Florida divided.
The defense rests.
That's still not a deposition, bro.
You know, my dad sends
me daily email forwards
About how Bill Gates is trying
to kill us with a vaccine.
What Bill Gates ever do to anyone?
Windows 95, Clippy,
Minesweeper
Wait, why is my mom
sending you emails?
Parents love me.
I've been told it's
my childlike sense of wonder.
Annie, if you're gonna have
drama with your parents,
You know, I mean, maybe
you shouldn't move back home.
Oh, it's fine. I just need to school
my mom on the state of our country.
Thankfully, I do my homework.
Your social media
activism has been on point.
You didn't even fall
for the black square.
I don't know, Annie.
The brain loses elasticity as we age
Making it very hard to change.
Our parents minds
are like a pair of suede pants.
Hey, that's not always true.
My mom and I had a huge falling out
when I decided to have my
gender confirmation surgery,
and it took a lot of time,
and energy, but now Janice
and I are stronger than ever.
We owe it to our parents
to give them the chance
- to grow as people.
- Exactly.
My mom's a good person.
She just doesn't have
all the right info.
Luckily, I've got killer
rhetoric-al skills.
- You mean "rhetorical"?
- No, not like a rhetorical question.
Rhetoric-al, as in rhetoric
but the adjective of it.
Yeah, this is maybe not gonna
go as smooth as you think.
♪
[light piano music]
- Annie.
- Annabelle!
- Dimelo.
- Why are you in different rooms?
Because your mom doesn't understand
the perfect AC temperature
is 67 degrees.
For the walk-in refrigerator at Costco.
- Okay, Mo
- Oh, and speaking of Costco
She emptied out the store for you.
What about you, Señor Samples?
- They're free.
- Ay, Annie, I got you
those carbonated waters
that you like that smell like ChapStick.
Also this hair towel
because you never dry
your hair after the shower,
and it's bad for your sinuses.
- Mom, I'm not a kid anymore!
- You are my youngest.
You will always be my baby.
Actually, I wanted to
talk to you about
Ooh, I almost forgot the travel suit!
I saw it on QVC.
Let me send it to you.
Mom, that looks insane.
It's already on the way.
No, you have to talk to
me about these things!
You can't just assume that I'm gonna
Ooh, you're gonna be here in time
For Mileidys's baby shower! Oy.
You know, she had a very hard time
Getting pregnant, pobresita.
She tried everything.
She even wore the evil eye
on her wrists and her ankles.
Nothing. They had to mortgage the house
In order to pay for
the fertility treatment.
Dios mío, qué cosa!
♪
That "Refund the Police"
email was clutch!
Both: Scheme Team!
All right, now for phase two.
I'm hacking into Annie's newsfeeds
and flooding them with targeted ads
To remind her of how much Florida sucks.
Check it out.
Alligator insurance,
local congressmen,
- and this gross dating website I found.
- Wow.
Hey, are we doing the right thing?
Last thing I wanna do is hurt Annie.
Ben, a Scheme
requires full transparency.
Is there something else
going on between you two?
With me and Annie? No,
no, we're just friends.
I mean, there was this one
intense moment in Chicago
where I thought there
may have been a vibe,
But she told me a story
about how she could never date a friend,
which definitely killed the vibe.
Mmm, vibes are a fragile wavelength.
Like friend groups,
they need to be lovingly maintained.
Now, can we please
manipulate our good pal
- into staying in LA with us?
- Let's do it.
♪
Pero how do you know the
police have too much money?
I think the police
don't have enough money.
Mom, they're like
the Kardashian-Jenners.
They have so much they're
being irresponsible with it.
Stormi did not need her own
theme park for her birthday.
- That was too much for Stormi.
- No. That is true.
50% of most city
budgets go to the police.
That's way too much.
How do you know it's too much?
Are you city planner, hmm?
You could've been a city planner.
You used to do that afterschool program.
What was it called?
- Youth in Congress.
- Yes.
You learned so much from that.
Too bad you ruined your
life by becoming a writer.
Mom, it's okay for
people in my generation
to pursue their passions.
Passions do not pay the bills, mija.
I'm in construction, and
I have a passion for it.
- Ramón, please!
- Agh.
Look, this issue is
bigger than police funding.
It's a systemic racial issue.
Did you know 35% of African American men
are incarcerated while only 50% aren't?
What about the other 15%?
- What?
- 35 plus 50 is 85.
No, Ramón?
Oh, I can talk now?
Entonces? Where's the other 15%?
Um
Well, I know it's a real thing.
I shared an article on, um
Hold on, let me just Mmm
Maybe they didn't fill out the survey
About if they were
incarcerated maybe?
That's the thing about surveys.
Not everyone fills them out
sometimes, so
Mija, you can't trust
everything you read
on the internet.
Do you get Fox News in LA?
[downbeat piano music]
It was so embarrassing!
My mom ran circles around me
in a political argument! My mom.
Up until about a month ago,
she though RBG was a clothing designer.
So does this mean
you're not moving home?
Well, I wasn't going to,
but then I started seeing
all these ads for Florida,
- and it made me nostalgic.
- Both: Nostalgic?
Yeah, I forgot how cute alligators are.
You hear that, Rufus?
She's feeling nostalgic!
Also my ex-boyfriend from high school
who used to be in a one-man
Kid Rock cover band
So a Kid Rock impersonator,
because that's what that is.
He got his real estate license,
and he's super rich now.
He has the huge house
next to Joey Fatone.
We're just friends, but he said if
things with my parents get weird,
I can stay with him.
Although I prefer not to
because he's always tries to
make me sing the Sheryl Crow part
- of the song "Picture."
- [cell phone dings]
[Southern accent] Well, if
it isn't Mr. Husband Material
Here to sweep you away
to his most certainly
- tacky McMansion.
- [cell phones dinging]
[Southern accent] Oh,
Mr. Former Kid Rock,
- I do accept this rock on my finger.
- Okay, guys.
Florida is not the South.
Oh, well, look at its location on a map.
Ben, Rufus, what's
with the phone pinging?
You guys still talking
about hand sanitizer?
- 100%, yes.
- 100%, big time, big time.
Yeah, what is going on with you two?
Yeah, I know Ben is easily swayed,
but this level of interest
in a Rufus-driven business
is entirely suspect.
- I am not easily swayed!
- [cell phone dings]
- Oh, come on.
- Oh, you totally are.
- Okay, fine.
- Guys, can we focus?
I know defunding the police
is the right thing to do,
I just don't know how to get
my parents to know that.
They do not play fair.
They use Jedi mind tricks.
My mom won an argument with me once
by staring at me without blinking.
I'm still working on a rebuttal.
Well, take it from a three-time
Mountain State regional debate champ,
You gotta get inside
the competition's head.
And what's inside your mom's head
is a deep and unquestioning
love of the cops
because that's exactly what
American TV and film has put there.
I guess if people haven't had
a negative experience personally,
like, say, every black
person in America,
It's hard for them to see the cops
- as anything but the good guys.
- Yeah, meanwhile,
I was in my twenties when
I realized that the "bad boys"
in the theme song from "Cops"
weren't the cops.
They have too much money.
In LA we give them $2 billion a year.
If only we could spend a little
bit of that on public education,
then Richie and I wouldn't
have to take out a loan
to pay 28 grand to pay
for virtual private school,
which is just Big Bird on an iPad!
Wait, 28
You are sending me the 20 bucks
you owe me from poker now.
I said we needed a loan!
Yeah, people don't realize
that "defund the police"
- just means fund other departments.
- Like social workers, you know,
so a man with a gun
and 16 weeks of training
- doesn't answer mental health calls.
- I wish I could just
bring you guys with me
to talk to my parents.
You can't bring us,
but we can help you prepare.
Ooh.
- Ooh, a project, a project!
- Debate team!
I love a good mise-en-place!
Also you can bring Ben.
- You can?
- Oh, okay.
Thanks, Ben.
Rufus, these schemes
aren't working, bruh.
Look, if Annie wants to move home,
- I think we just gotta let her go.
- You can't! She likes you.
What?
Annie likes you, and I
think you like her too.
I think that's why you agreed
to this scheme In the first place.
You've been Colin Firth the whole time.
No, no, no, she told me in Chicago
she could never date a friend.
You know what's great
about this country?
People are allowed
to change their minds.
They're even allowed to
admit that they were wrong.
Wait
Is that why you wanted
me on your Scheme Team?
Am I your emergency backup plan?
- How do you mean?
- How do I know you're not
lying to get me to help you
save your friend group molecule.
What? I never lie!
You're lying to Annie right now!
Okay, Annie I am lying to.
Yes, but do you really wanna
lose her to a fake Kid Rock
that lives next door
to a real Joey Fatone!?
Okay, what? Now I gotta help
her get along with her parents?
That's what she'll think,
but actually you'll be feeding her
the exact wrong things to say.
It's Scheme Team phase three,
- a Reverse-Cyrano.
- A reverse-what?
Scheme Team!
I just paid the check
on a brand new car ♪
You wanna get to know
me? I'm a brand new star ♪
I came to impress,
that's the way I are ♪
Say it with my chest
until this day comes ♪
I just might invest, think
I'll start with the watches ♪
Who do you protect,
N-A-P with the frost ♪
Not doing any less
than my best, so start ♪
Get upset, take a rest,
you watch ♪
Young way, strong way ♪
Get you in the morning ♪
Broadway, Broadway ♪
Put up an act on Broadway ♪
Do a little dance,
sing a little jam ♪
Pick up the Benz
and brace yourself ♪
Do a little dance,
sing a little jam ♪
Pick up the Benz
and brace yourself ♪
I know you feel it ♪
The animation ♪
I know you can't animate ♪
♪
In front of millions ♪
Your motivation ♪
Just be yourself ♪
Animation ♪
Hey, you ready?
Yeah, I think so. I got my talking
points, my non-talking points,
- My turtle neck, my cotton balls.
- You got this.
"You're gonna eat lightning
and crap thunder."
It's from "Rocky."
Just remember, I'll be hiding
as a non-video participant.
Your parents will not notice that,
but I'll be with you the whole time.
Why are you so great?
That's what friends are for.
Thanks, Ben. It means a lot
having you in my corner.
♪
Okay.
Here goes nothing.
[keys clacking]
[light piano music]
- Hey.
- Hi, mija.
Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad. Gimme one second.
[keys clacking,]
- [computer dings]
- [computer beeps]
Okay, I understand
political conversations
can be tricky, so I wanted
to ease into it
and talk about
"Personal finances"?
Ay, now she's finally
ready to hear my YouTube
- on how to balance a checkbook?
- You need some money, mija?
Sorry, actually
let's discuss
[keys clacking]
- [computer dings]
- All the TV remotes?
We have asked your brother so
many times for this one thing.
There's a remote for the TV,
a remote for the speakers,
A remote for the cable box,
a remote for the streaming box
It doesn't make sense! And he refuses!
After everything I did.
Marta, relax.
Te va a dar algo!
You know what?
Let's forget the icebreakers.
Mom, I wanted to talk about
your refund the police email.
Annabelle, please, you wanna
give your mom a heart attack?
We already know she's gonna
be talking about those remotes
- until next week!
- Just hear me out.
I realize I feel passionately
about a lot of issues,
But I also recognize
I take in a lot of my news from TikTok.
All I know is, it seems as if
the system is broken.
Maybe if we had better healthcare,
Mileidys wouldn't have
to mortgage her house
to pay for fertility treatments.
I mean, what if I have fertility issues?
Por Dios, no! My grandkids, no!
Not that I'm planning
to have kids anytime soon,
but, my friend Pradeep
is about to pay $28,000
in private school because
public schools are inadequate.
Remember Youth in Congress,
the program in high school you
thought could change my life?
It's lost its funding.
- Oh, qué lástima.
- No.
The funding for so many things
that could change people's lives
is just disappearing or never
been there in the first place.
It just feels as if we're spending
the wealth of this country
in ways that don't benefit
the people that live in it.
Defunding the police is not
about removing the police,
the police will still be here.
It won't make us any less safe.
It'll just make us more whole.
Mom?
- You're frozen.
- No, I'm thinking.
- We get to keep the police?
- Yes, we just take
some of their money
and spend it in better ways.
All this defund talk is scary
with all these protests.
But maybe
you're right
It does feel like things need to change.
America is always trying
to make itself better.
That's why we came here,
but it takes work.
Annie, I'm proud
you're out there trying.
The younger generation,
we make fun of you and your TikyTok,
but we are inspired by you.
You give us hope.
Thanks, Dad.
I can't wait for you to come home.
Me too. I love you guys.
We love you, baby.
Send me a picture when
you try on the hazmat suit.
Hmm?
[warm piano music]
♪
Where'd you go?
I thought you were gonna
help me pee lightning
And pass hail stones or whatever.
I know. I just felt like
you didn't need me.
You know, maybe you
do better on your own.
Ben, I'm always gonna need you.
Who's gonna make fun of
my horrible impressions?
I mean, they are horrible.
Impressions aren't
even cool to begin with,
So when you do them badly,
it's just very confusing.
Why are you smiling? [laughs]
I don't know. I watching you
with your parents, it was just
It's like seeing you
on a whole other level.
[chuckles] Yeah, I have
no memory of what I said.
Well, it was pretty amazing.
You really moving back home?
I don't know.
You think I should?
- No.
- No?
No. I'd miss you.
- You would?
- Yes. I would.
Look, you gotta make
your own decision,
and I know we're just talking
through screens right now,
but, the thought of you
moving to another screen
in a different time zone,
2,500 miles away,
yeah, you can put me down
for a no on that one.
Okay.
I'll take it under advisement.
Hey, how did you know?
Know I don't know. Know what?
That Orlando was 2,500 miles away?
Aw, yeah, I just I just guessed.
- Why? Is it?
- Yeah, 2,500 miles.
I looked it up.
- Good night, Ben.
- Good night, Annie.
♪