Corporate (2017) s01e06 Episode Script
Casual Friday
1 [BOSSA NOVA PLAYING.]
[COPIER BEEPING.]
[KNOCK AT DOOR.]
Happy Friday.
[CHEERFUL PERCUSSIVE MUSIC.]
You fell for it.
You took Casual Friday too far.
What do you mean? The email said we could wear - whatever we want.
- Matt, you naive little ingenue.
Casual Friday is a trap.
Anything you wear can and will be held against you.
You know, this is the first time I've ever seen your toes.
There's something weird about them.
I don't have weird toes.
Yes, you do.
They look like stretched out baby fingers.
As much as I enjoy seeing others fail, I'm gonna take pity on you and give you my jacket.
Now he looks like he's in a ska band.
I actually used to be in a ska band.
Don't ever tell anybody that.
Great, now I look like the biggest idiot in the office.
Hi, Tom.
Jill, nice to see you.
Terry, how's it going? Oh, nice outfit, Jennifer.
Morning, Ken.
Can you get the New York office on the phone for me, please? [EERIE OMINOUS MUSIC.]
Anyone have any big plans for the weekend? [ROCK MUSIC.]
- Hey.
- Hmm? Did you notice? - Contacts.
- I did notice.
Hey these are real cheetah.
I could tell.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
[DRAMATIC WHISPER.]
What the fuck is this? Oh, well, sir, we have been experiencing an uptick in reports of employee depression and aggression.
So to address the issue, we implemented Casual Friday, where employees can wear jeans once a month.
Well, that was a catastrophic mistake.
Just look at that.
I mean, how can someone lack the shame and dignity to come into an office looking like that? To put on those clothes and stroll into a place of business and think that that's an acceptable way to live your life? We probably shouldn't tell him our best lawyer went insane and came in shirtless today.
And what is going on with those toes? The second one is too long.
It should be covered.
Why would he subject us to this? I don't want to see another human being's foot for the rest of the day.
Wow.
This is definitely gonna be a traumatic memory for me.
Alyssa Armstrong is going to be here within the hour, and she represents Glorious Salvation Ministries, the largest group of mega-churches in the country, and this meeting was not easy to get.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
I had to buy three of George W.
Bush's dog paintings to get him to vouch for me.
[SOBS.]
Now, we all know there's no God, but there is a ton of money to be made in his name.
So let's try to act like professionals today.
[WEEPING.]
And, John put your glasses back on.
You look like a prepubescent Voldemort.
Thank you, sir.
John and I need to hop into this meeting, so we need you to talk to the man who came in without his shirt on.
His name is Walter Sabo.
He's the top litigator at Hampton DeVille and one of the best in the country.
And judging by your inability to dress yourself, we thought you might be able to get through to him.
[SNIFFLES.]
Okay, I'll do it.
Thanks for believing in me.
Don't worry, I'll keep him on a short leash.
What do we think? You look like a priest.
Well, that's what I'm going for.
- Well, it's too much.
- Okay.
Too much.
When did you stop believing in God? I was 12.
I drank some of the holy water at church, - and it gave me salmonella.
- Hmm.
What made you stop believing in God? YouTube comments.
Who are the 90% of people who still believe in God? Professional athletes.
They're rich, hot, and their bodies haven't betrayed them yet.
Their lives are amazing.
Why wouldn't they believe in God? We need to speak to Walter.
Okay, but you know he's not wearing a shirt, right? Yeah, that's why we're here.
Am I gonna lose my job? I have student loans.
No, no.
I mean, I guess I don't know, but probably not.
Listen, why don't we finish this conversation when I beat you on the golf course this Sunday? [LAUGHING.]
Sounds good.
Send those contracts over, and I'll take a look at them today.
All right.
Ciao.
How can I help you boys? Walter, we're here to talk to you about your shirt.
I'm not wearing a shirt.
Exactly.
That's the problem.
Why is that a problem? Today is Casual Friday.
We're aware of that, but that doesn't mean you can be shirtless.
Actually, it does.
The official Casual Friday memo says the dress code is "loosened.
" However, in the entire document, there's no stated definition of the word "loosened.
" Therefore, "loosened" is open to individual interpretation.
My interpretation is not wearing a shirt.
[STAMMERS.]
Right, but it's distracting to the other employees.
Why? Because they can see your nipples.
Are you saying there's something wrong with my nipples? No, your your nipples are great.
It's just that in the workplace, nipples are problems.
I disagree, and the burden is on you to prove me wrong.
Now, if you'll excuse me, my nipples and I have some work to do.
While by my sheep I watched at night Remember, God is real.
Alyssa, how nice to finally meet you.
Hello, Mr.
Devil.
It's pronounced DeVille.
But please, call me Christian.
[CHOIR MUSIC.]
I have to be honest, I was a little hesitant about meeting with you today, but, um I can see that Hampton DeVille is serious about working with us.
However, I am finding the choir music somewhat distracting.
Down or off? - Maybe just off.
- Just off? [MUSIC CLICKS OFF.]
Well, let's get into terms.
Okay, Walter has clearly lost his mind.
But if you think about it, why are we wearing shirts? Like, why are you wearing that shirt? Because I look great in it.
Right, okay, but beyond that, why are you covering your body in clothing? Because I'm ashamed of my body.
Okay, right, but maybe if we didn't wear clothes, there wouldn't be body shame.
Maybe body shaming is underrated.
What's going on? Does Walter still have his shirt off? The Walter situation is under control.
Ken, I need the Smith files when you get a chance.
Thanks, buddy.
Yeah, but he still has his shirt off.
Well, yes.
But he's still doing his job.
So if I took my shirt off, you guys wouldn't do anything about it? Who's to say what we would do? No.
Very bad.
You're being an unbelievably bad boy.
Stop it.
You're the baddest boy.
I really would love for you to stop.
- I'll pay you a lot of money.
- Please don't do that.
Okay, fine, but nobody else take their shirt off, all right? I mean, Paige, obviously you can't.
Uh, wait, what does that mean? Well, you're a woman, so So what? If you're a guy, you could take off your shirt, but if you're woman, you can't? That's sexist.
Okay.
Um, I know that since I'm a man, telling you what is or isn't sexist is sexist.
But you can't take off your shirt.
Because you're a woman.
But we're not sexist.
Oh.
Okay, that's fair.
[STAMMERS.]
And I'm sorry.
Hey, these executives say - we can all take our shirts off.
- No, we didn't.
It's against the rules to have your shirt off! And there will be repercussions.
We just don't know what they are yet.
But we're figuring that out! As you can see, Hampton DeVille has the ability to bring your churches into the 21st century.
Our flat screens will broadcast the gospel of Jesus in 4K resolution.
We want to help you create an immersive religious entertainment experience.
And if somehow your congregants manage to lose interest, you can wake them up with The touch of God.
[REMOTE CONTROL BEEPS.]
- [CHAIR RUMBLING.]
- [EXCLAIMS.]
So what do you say? Shall we consummate this holy union? What you have presented here today is blasphemy.
You want me to pay millions of dollars so you can splatter your corporate logo across my church? Well, I have a counteroffer.
[REMOTE CONTROL BEEPS.]
$1.
That's how much I'm willing to pay you.
- Now, the question is - You can kill it now.
Are you smart enough to say yes? [REMOTE CONTROL BEEPING.]
You have my attention.
Never in the 6,000-year-old history of the world has a corporation been offered a product placement opportunity like this.
Every time my congregants go to pray, they'll be thinking of the Father, Son, Holy Spirit, and Hampton fucking DeVille.
So you all are going to supply my churches, and I'm going to pay you nothing.
And you are going to thank God for the gift I have given unto you.
[REMOTE CONTROL BEEPS.]
[EXHALES DEEPLY.]
God damn.
Do not use the Lord's name in vain.
[COFFEE MACHINE RATTLES.]
Thanks to you guys, there are now 25 shirtless people in this building.
And yet all of them look less ridiculous than Matt.
Why are you attacking me right now? I was going to leave early to go see Pitbull, but at this rate, I won't be able to.
I had to forgive my father for those tickets.
I don't blame people for taking their shirts off.
They're just desperately grasping for any sort of identity, and I can relate to that.
- You're wrong.
- Guys! We need to talk to these people and figure out how to get their shirts back on so I can be baptized in the sweat of my one true god, Pitbull.
So why aren't you wearing your shirt? If they want to tell me what to wear so badly, maybe they should try paying for my health benefits first.
Corporations are fascist, okay? I don't buy in to your puritanical dress code.
You know who else tried to enforce dress codes? Hitler.
Honestly, I just started doing this as a joke, but I mean now, I'm pretty serious about it.
I'm just a janitor here, so I don't really get treated like the other employees.
It just feels good to be a part of something.
Monkeys don't wear shirts.
Right? We're all monkeys.
Walter's standing up for all of us.
I think Walter's an honest-to-God prophet.
I think Walter's hot.
Donkeys also don't wear shirts, so, uh think about that.
So, Brock [CHUCKLES.]
Why did you take your shirt off? I think Walter's right.
There's way too many restrictions on our bodies here at work.
If people don't want to wear a shirt, they shouldn't have to.
I kinda feel like anybody should be able to do whatever they want to do, all the time.
[DRAMATIC WHISPER.]
I found Brock quite persuasive.
I think he made some great points.
I implicitly trust him, and I want to be his friend.
I'm not gonna force my fellowship to look at ads for Hampton DeVille's vodka brand every time they turn to 1 Corinthians.
Well, unless you're willing to leave the future of your company I'm sorry, "church" up to God's good will, you're going to have to make some compromises.
You can't have free porn without pop-ups.
My congregation doesn't listen to pop-up ads.
They listen to me.
When I told them to burn "Harry Potter," sales of the book went up 40%.
JK Rowling still owes me for that.
Okay, how about this? We'll disable the ads, but in exchange, I want all your refreshment stands to be stocked exclusively with Hampton DeVille food products.
We're thinking Crossicles.
My favorite flavor: the blood of Christ.
Go grab the champagne.
We'll have a deal by the time you get back.
Christian is a master negotiator.
We might even get out of here in time to see Pitbull.
[THE LOUVIN BROTHERS' "SATAN IS REAL" PLAYING.]
[COUNTRY MUSIC.]
Satan is real Working in spirit You can see him and hear him In this world every day Satan is real Working with power He can tempt you And lead you astray It's like fucking Armageddon out there.
I haven't seen this many bare torsos since that spring break I got trapped in that mannequin factory.
We think it has something to do with Walter.
He started some kind of movement.
How could one employee taking his shirt off lead to this? I might be able to explain.
You need to think of this as a riot.
Now, during a riot, people do things that they don't normally do, things that don't make sense.
It starts with one person throwing a brick through a window, or in this case, taking their shirt off.
This person is a radical.
They don't need anyone to model their behavior after.
Then a second person comes.
Usually this person wouldn't take their shirt off, but since someone else has done it first, they go along for the ride.
Then a third person and fourth person and so on.
It's very simple crowd psychology.
Once enough people participate, there are no social consequences.
It's like how everyone in the '90s started listening to ska.
This guy knows what I'm talking about.
So how do we get people to stop taking their shirts off? There's no stopping it.
Eventually, we'll all be shirtless.
Okay.
John and I will handle Christian.
You two better fix this or I will crucify you myself.
Turn the AC down to 53 degrees.
Yes, I am powerful enough to tell you to do that.
Now do it.
Okay, Ken, we'll be there in just a minute.
No, you don't have to turn tricks to make rent.
Just drive Lyft or something.
She caved.
We've got a deal.
Sir, first I just want to say that watching you negotiate this has been a privilege.
Quick update slash minor hiccup: half the employees have taken their shirts off and are refusing to put them back on.
What? Jesus Christ.
I'll handle Alyssa.
You two deal with the rest of the company or I swear to God I will crucify you myself.
- Let's celebrate.
- We want to talk to Walter! He's the only one who understands us! Let him out of his office! I'm not keeping him in there! I'm just his assistant! What do you want me to do? Suck all your dicks for money? - What? - What did he say? Oh, God, thank God you're here.
Why do those guys get to see Walter? They don't even have their shirts off! And say hello to Linda for me.
Really? Oh, well, I'm sorry to hear that.
Then don't say hi to her for me.
[CHUCKLES.]
All right.
I'll talk to you later.
Ciao.
Can we make this quick? I've got work to do, and you boys keep interrupting me.
Walter, half the company has their shirts off and Christian will probably clean house if he finds out, all because you refuse to put your shirt back on.
Hasn't this gone far enough? Hey, all I did is find a loophole.
It's not my fault everyone followed me through it.
Yes, it is.
Well, we disagree.
[SIGHS.]
Arguing with him is pointless.
What are we gonna do? [INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
Okay.
[LIGHT MUSIC.]
[INTENSE MUSIC.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Thank you for the champagne, but I should really get going.
Oh, come on, have another glass.
We still need to finish this puzzle.
Well no.
Two glasses are fine for me.
Everything in moderation.
Wait, you can't leave.
I mean [CHUCKLES.]
Not before we pray to bless the deal.
Okay, fine.
Great news, everybody: Walter has asked us to be his representatives.
Now, what Walter wants to know And, again, these are Walter's words.
Directly from the man himself.
What do we want in exchange for putting our shirts back on? We want equal treatment for male and female employees! Make it stop freezing in here! No more unpaid overtime and longer lunch breaks - and better snacks in the break room! - Yeah! Guys, if we want upper management to listen, we have to be clear about what we want, we're losing focus.
Fuck focus.
Fuck you.
Shave your back! - Hey.
- No compromise.
We should be able to have our shirts off every day! I mean, maybe not every day, but once a week! No! Every day! Which side are you on? [ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY.]
[TENSE MUSIC.]
[WOMAN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY.]
[ALL MURMURING.]
[PIANO MUSIC.]
I know there's been a lot of controversy about me not wearing a shirt today, but I believe that people should have the freedom to wear whatever they want to work.
ALL: Yeah! - [CROWD CHEERING.]
- We've allowed our lives to be dictated by arbitrary man-made rules.
I believe we are perfect the way God made us.
- ALL: Yeah! - Nice! That's what I'm talking about.
And in the spirit of that [MAN SINGING INDISTINCTLY.]
[CROWD GROANING.]
This is the real me.
This what freedom looks like.
[CROWD EXCLAIMING.]
I don't wanna take my pants off.
Hey! Somebody took a shit in my office! All right, that's it.
Everybody put your shirts back on, okay? Honestly, it has not been that fun.
Thank you for your guidance in our negotiation over brand integration.
You are the shepherd, the sheep, and the wolf, and we are Little Red Riding Hoods.
Forgive me, oh, heavenly father, for not praying to you for 15 years while I got my career on track.
Dear God, make me a drone so I can fly far, far, far away from here.
- Let's go! Let's go! - It's freezing in here! Remember Walter's horrific penis? Get those shirts on! [INTENSE MUSIC.]
And heavenly father, thank you for, um digitized stock trading, and, uh oh, oh, the benefits accrued therein.
And, father what am I thinking about now? Oh, yes, it's kinda like when, you know, um Okay, amen.
I'm cold.
I feel like you prayed us into Christmas.
You know [STAMMERING.]
- Now, hold on a moment! - [SIGHS.]
While by my sheep I watched at night Glad tidings brought It's a miracle.
Our prayers have been answered.
I knew God was real.
Well, thank you for believing in Hampton DeVille.
Mm.
And I assure you your faith will be rewarded.
Joy, joy, joy Son God made a mistake when he made those toes.
Straight from the depths of hell, those are the hooves of Lucifer.
Let's take a different elevator.
[DRAMATIC WHISPER.]
If it makes you feel any better, you look way better shirtless than I thought you would.
You do too.
I was impressed.
You should get photos taken.
You're not gonna look like that forever.
Ugh, I know.
[MELLOW JAZZY MUSIC.]
- [SOBBING.]
- Now we all know there's no God, but there is a ton of money to be made in his name.
So let's try to act like professionals today.
Okay, that's enough.
[COPIER BEEPING.]
[KNOCK AT DOOR.]
Happy Friday.
[CHEERFUL PERCUSSIVE MUSIC.]
You fell for it.
You took Casual Friday too far.
What do you mean? The email said we could wear - whatever we want.
- Matt, you naive little ingenue.
Casual Friday is a trap.
Anything you wear can and will be held against you.
You know, this is the first time I've ever seen your toes.
There's something weird about them.
I don't have weird toes.
Yes, you do.
They look like stretched out baby fingers.
As much as I enjoy seeing others fail, I'm gonna take pity on you and give you my jacket.
Now he looks like he's in a ska band.
I actually used to be in a ska band.
Don't ever tell anybody that.
Great, now I look like the biggest idiot in the office.
Hi, Tom.
Jill, nice to see you.
Terry, how's it going? Oh, nice outfit, Jennifer.
Morning, Ken.
Can you get the New York office on the phone for me, please? [EERIE OMINOUS MUSIC.]
Anyone have any big plans for the weekend? [ROCK MUSIC.]
- Hey.
- Hmm? Did you notice? - Contacts.
- I did notice.
Hey these are real cheetah.
I could tell.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
[DRAMATIC WHISPER.]
What the fuck is this? Oh, well, sir, we have been experiencing an uptick in reports of employee depression and aggression.
So to address the issue, we implemented Casual Friday, where employees can wear jeans once a month.
Well, that was a catastrophic mistake.
Just look at that.
I mean, how can someone lack the shame and dignity to come into an office looking like that? To put on those clothes and stroll into a place of business and think that that's an acceptable way to live your life? We probably shouldn't tell him our best lawyer went insane and came in shirtless today.
And what is going on with those toes? The second one is too long.
It should be covered.
Why would he subject us to this? I don't want to see another human being's foot for the rest of the day.
Wow.
This is definitely gonna be a traumatic memory for me.
Alyssa Armstrong is going to be here within the hour, and she represents Glorious Salvation Ministries, the largest group of mega-churches in the country, and this meeting was not easy to get.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
I had to buy three of George W.
Bush's dog paintings to get him to vouch for me.
[SOBS.]
Now, we all know there's no God, but there is a ton of money to be made in his name.
So let's try to act like professionals today.
[WEEPING.]
And, John put your glasses back on.
You look like a prepubescent Voldemort.
Thank you, sir.
John and I need to hop into this meeting, so we need you to talk to the man who came in without his shirt on.
His name is Walter Sabo.
He's the top litigator at Hampton DeVille and one of the best in the country.
And judging by your inability to dress yourself, we thought you might be able to get through to him.
[SNIFFLES.]
Okay, I'll do it.
Thanks for believing in me.
Don't worry, I'll keep him on a short leash.
What do we think? You look like a priest.
Well, that's what I'm going for.
- Well, it's too much.
- Okay.
Too much.
When did you stop believing in God? I was 12.
I drank some of the holy water at church, - and it gave me salmonella.
- Hmm.
What made you stop believing in God? YouTube comments.
Who are the 90% of people who still believe in God? Professional athletes.
They're rich, hot, and their bodies haven't betrayed them yet.
Their lives are amazing.
Why wouldn't they believe in God? We need to speak to Walter.
Okay, but you know he's not wearing a shirt, right? Yeah, that's why we're here.
Am I gonna lose my job? I have student loans.
No, no.
I mean, I guess I don't know, but probably not.
Listen, why don't we finish this conversation when I beat you on the golf course this Sunday? [LAUGHING.]
Sounds good.
Send those contracts over, and I'll take a look at them today.
All right.
Ciao.
How can I help you boys? Walter, we're here to talk to you about your shirt.
I'm not wearing a shirt.
Exactly.
That's the problem.
Why is that a problem? Today is Casual Friday.
We're aware of that, but that doesn't mean you can be shirtless.
Actually, it does.
The official Casual Friday memo says the dress code is "loosened.
" However, in the entire document, there's no stated definition of the word "loosened.
" Therefore, "loosened" is open to individual interpretation.
My interpretation is not wearing a shirt.
[STAMMERS.]
Right, but it's distracting to the other employees.
Why? Because they can see your nipples.
Are you saying there's something wrong with my nipples? No, your your nipples are great.
It's just that in the workplace, nipples are problems.
I disagree, and the burden is on you to prove me wrong.
Now, if you'll excuse me, my nipples and I have some work to do.
While by my sheep I watched at night Remember, God is real.
Alyssa, how nice to finally meet you.
Hello, Mr.
Devil.
It's pronounced DeVille.
But please, call me Christian.
[CHOIR MUSIC.]
I have to be honest, I was a little hesitant about meeting with you today, but, um I can see that Hampton DeVille is serious about working with us.
However, I am finding the choir music somewhat distracting.
Down or off? - Maybe just off.
- Just off? [MUSIC CLICKS OFF.]
Well, let's get into terms.
Okay, Walter has clearly lost his mind.
But if you think about it, why are we wearing shirts? Like, why are you wearing that shirt? Because I look great in it.
Right, okay, but beyond that, why are you covering your body in clothing? Because I'm ashamed of my body.
Okay, right, but maybe if we didn't wear clothes, there wouldn't be body shame.
Maybe body shaming is underrated.
What's going on? Does Walter still have his shirt off? The Walter situation is under control.
Ken, I need the Smith files when you get a chance.
Thanks, buddy.
Yeah, but he still has his shirt off.
Well, yes.
But he's still doing his job.
So if I took my shirt off, you guys wouldn't do anything about it? Who's to say what we would do? No.
Very bad.
You're being an unbelievably bad boy.
Stop it.
You're the baddest boy.
I really would love for you to stop.
- I'll pay you a lot of money.
- Please don't do that.
Okay, fine, but nobody else take their shirt off, all right? I mean, Paige, obviously you can't.
Uh, wait, what does that mean? Well, you're a woman, so So what? If you're a guy, you could take off your shirt, but if you're woman, you can't? That's sexist.
Okay.
Um, I know that since I'm a man, telling you what is or isn't sexist is sexist.
But you can't take off your shirt.
Because you're a woman.
But we're not sexist.
Oh.
Okay, that's fair.
[STAMMERS.]
And I'm sorry.
Hey, these executives say - we can all take our shirts off.
- No, we didn't.
It's against the rules to have your shirt off! And there will be repercussions.
We just don't know what they are yet.
But we're figuring that out! As you can see, Hampton DeVille has the ability to bring your churches into the 21st century.
Our flat screens will broadcast the gospel of Jesus in 4K resolution.
We want to help you create an immersive religious entertainment experience.
And if somehow your congregants manage to lose interest, you can wake them up with The touch of God.
[REMOTE CONTROL BEEPS.]
- [CHAIR RUMBLING.]
- [EXCLAIMS.]
So what do you say? Shall we consummate this holy union? What you have presented here today is blasphemy.
You want me to pay millions of dollars so you can splatter your corporate logo across my church? Well, I have a counteroffer.
[REMOTE CONTROL BEEPS.]
$1.
That's how much I'm willing to pay you.
- Now, the question is - You can kill it now.
Are you smart enough to say yes? [REMOTE CONTROL BEEPING.]
You have my attention.
Never in the 6,000-year-old history of the world has a corporation been offered a product placement opportunity like this.
Every time my congregants go to pray, they'll be thinking of the Father, Son, Holy Spirit, and Hampton fucking DeVille.
So you all are going to supply my churches, and I'm going to pay you nothing.
And you are going to thank God for the gift I have given unto you.
[REMOTE CONTROL BEEPS.]
[EXHALES DEEPLY.]
God damn.
Do not use the Lord's name in vain.
[COFFEE MACHINE RATTLES.]
Thanks to you guys, there are now 25 shirtless people in this building.
And yet all of them look less ridiculous than Matt.
Why are you attacking me right now? I was going to leave early to go see Pitbull, but at this rate, I won't be able to.
I had to forgive my father for those tickets.
I don't blame people for taking their shirts off.
They're just desperately grasping for any sort of identity, and I can relate to that.
- You're wrong.
- Guys! We need to talk to these people and figure out how to get their shirts back on so I can be baptized in the sweat of my one true god, Pitbull.
So why aren't you wearing your shirt? If they want to tell me what to wear so badly, maybe they should try paying for my health benefits first.
Corporations are fascist, okay? I don't buy in to your puritanical dress code.
You know who else tried to enforce dress codes? Hitler.
Honestly, I just started doing this as a joke, but I mean now, I'm pretty serious about it.
I'm just a janitor here, so I don't really get treated like the other employees.
It just feels good to be a part of something.
Monkeys don't wear shirts.
Right? We're all monkeys.
Walter's standing up for all of us.
I think Walter's an honest-to-God prophet.
I think Walter's hot.
Donkeys also don't wear shirts, so, uh think about that.
So, Brock [CHUCKLES.]
Why did you take your shirt off? I think Walter's right.
There's way too many restrictions on our bodies here at work.
If people don't want to wear a shirt, they shouldn't have to.
I kinda feel like anybody should be able to do whatever they want to do, all the time.
[DRAMATIC WHISPER.]
I found Brock quite persuasive.
I think he made some great points.
I implicitly trust him, and I want to be his friend.
I'm not gonna force my fellowship to look at ads for Hampton DeVille's vodka brand every time they turn to 1 Corinthians.
Well, unless you're willing to leave the future of your company I'm sorry, "church" up to God's good will, you're going to have to make some compromises.
You can't have free porn without pop-ups.
My congregation doesn't listen to pop-up ads.
They listen to me.
When I told them to burn "Harry Potter," sales of the book went up 40%.
JK Rowling still owes me for that.
Okay, how about this? We'll disable the ads, but in exchange, I want all your refreshment stands to be stocked exclusively with Hampton DeVille food products.
We're thinking Crossicles.
My favorite flavor: the blood of Christ.
Go grab the champagne.
We'll have a deal by the time you get back.
Christian is a master negotiator.
We might even get out of here in time to see Pitbull.
[THE LOUVIN BROTHERS' "SATAN IS REAL" PLAYING.]
[COUNTRY MUSIC.]
Satan is real Working in spirit You can see him and hear him In this world every day Satan is real Working with power He can tempt you And lead you astray It's like fucking Armageddon out there.
I haven't seen this many bare torsos since that spring break I got trapped in that mannequin factory.
We think it has something to do with Walter.
He started some kind of movement.
How could one employee taking his shirt off lead to this? I might be able to explain.
You need to think of this as a riot.
Now, during a riot, people do things that they don't normally do, things that don't make sense.
It starts with one person throwing a brick through a window, or in this case, taking their shirt off.
This person is a radical.
They don't need anyone to model their behavior after.
Then a second person comes.
Usually this person wouldn't take their shirt off, but since someone else has done it first, they go along for the ride.
Then a third person and fourth person and so on.
It's very simple crowd psychology.
Once enough people participate, there are no social consequences.
It's like how everyone in the '90s started listening to ska.
This guy knows what I'm talking about.
So how do we get people to stop taking their shirts off? There's no stopping it.
Eventually, we'll all be shirtless.
Okay.
John and I will handle Christian.
You two better fix this or I will crucify you myself.
Turn the AC down to 53 degrees.
Yes, I am powerful enough to tell you to do that.
Now do it.
Okay, Ken, we'll be there in just a minute.
No, you don't have to turn tricks to make rent.
Just drive Lyft or something.
She caved.
We've got a deal.
Sir, first I just want to say that watching you negotiate this has been a privilege.
Quick update slash minor hiccup: half the employees have taken their shirts off and are refusing to put them back on.
What? Jesus Christ.
I'll handle Alyssa.
You two deal with the rest of the company or I swear to God I will crucify you myself.
- Let's celebrate.
- We want to talk to Walter! He's the only one who understands us! Let him out of his office! I'm not keeping him in there! I'm just his assistant! What do you want me to do? Suck all your dicks for money? - What? - What did he say? Oh, God, thank God you're here.
Why do those guys get to see Walter? They don't even have their shirts off! And say hello to Linda for me.
Really? Oh, well, I'm sorry to hear that.
Then don't say hi to her for me.
[CHUCKLES.]
All right.
I'll talk to you later.
Ciao.
Can we make this quick? I've got work to do, and you boys keep interrupting me.
Walter, half the company has their shirts off and Christian will probably clean house if he finds out, all because you refuse to put your shirt back on.
Hasn't this gone far enough? Hey, all I did is find a loophole.
It's not my fault everyone followed me through it.
Yes, it is.
Well, we disagree.
[SIGHS.]
Arguing with him is pointless.
What are we gonna do? [INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
Okay.
[LIGHT MUSIC.]
[INTENSE MUSIC.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Thank you for the champagne, but I should really get going.
Oh, come on, have another glass.
We still need to finish this puzzle.
Well no.
Two glasses are fine for me.
Everything in moderation.
Wait, you can't leave.
I mean [CHUCKLES.]
Not before we pray to bless the deal.
Okay, fine.
Great news, everybody: Walter has asked us to be his representatives.
Now, what Walter wants to know And, again, these are Walter's words.
Directly from the man himself.
What do we want in exchange for putting our shirts back on? We want equal treatment for male and female employees! Make it stop freezing in here! No more unpaid overtime and longer lunch breaks - and better snacks in the break room! - Yeah! Guys, if we want upper management to listen, we have to be clear about what we want, we're losing focus.
Fuck focus.
Fuck you.
Shave your back! - Hey.
- No compromise.
We should be able to have our shirts off every day! I mean, maybe not every day, but once a week! No! Every day! Which side are you on? [ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY.]
[TENSE MUSIC.]
[WOMAN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY.]
[ALL MURMURING.]
[PIANO MUSIC.]
I know there's been a lot of controversy about me not wearing a shirt today, but I believe that people should have the freedom to wear whatever they want to work.
ALL: Yeah! - [CROWD CHEERING.]
- We've allowed our lives to be dictated by arbitrary man-made rules.
I believe we are perfect the way God made us.
- ALL: Yeah! - Nice! That's what I'm talking about.
And in the spirit of that [MAN SINGING INDISTINCTLY.]
[CROWD GROANING.]
This is the real me.
This what freedom looks like.
[CROWD EXCLAIMING.]
I don't wanna take my pants off.
Hey! Somebody took a shit in my office! All right, that's it.
Everybody put your shirts back on, okay? Honestly, it has not been that fun.
Thank you for your guidance in our negotiation over brand integration.
You are the shepherd, the sheep, and the wolf, and we are Little Red Riding Hoods.
Forgive me, oh, heavenly father, for not praying to you for 15 years while I got my career on track.
Dear God, make me a drone so I can fly far, far, far away from here.
- Let's go! Let's go! - It's freezing in here! Remember Walter's horrific penis? Get those shirts on! [INTENSE MUSIC.]
And heavenly father, thank you for, um digitized stock trading, and, uh oh, oh, the benefits accrued therein.
And, father what am I thinking about now? Oh, yes, it's kinda like when, you know, um Okay, amen.
I'm cold.
I feel like you prayed us into Christmas.
You know [STAMMERING.]
- Now, hold on a moment! - [SIGHS.]
While by my sheep I watched at night Glad tidings brought It's a miracle.
Our prayers have been answered.
I knew God was real.
Well, thank you for believing in Hampton DeVille.
Mm.
And I assure you your faith will be rewarded.
Joy, joy, joy Son God made a mistake when he made those toes.
Straight from the depths of hell, those are the hooves of Lucifer.
Let's take a different elevator.
[DRAMATIC WHISPER.]
If it makes you feel any better, you look way better shirtless than I thought you would.
You do too.
I was impressed.
You should get photos taken.
You're not gonna look like that forever.
Ugh, I know.
[MELLOW JAZZY MUSIC.]
- [SOBBING.]
- Now we all know there's no God, but there is a ton of money to be made in his name.
So let's try to act like professionals today.
Okay, that's enough.