Corporate (2017) s02e06 Episode Script

Mattchiavelli and the Piss Detective

1 [TELEPHONE RINGS] Hey, have you checked out the new street view - on Hampton DeVille Maps? - No.
It's supposed to be more detailed than Google Maps.
It takes me all the way up to my front door.
[MOUSE CLICKS] - - What the hell? I'm inside my own house.
[MOUSE CLICKING] What? Oh, my God.
Oh, God.
Your bathroom is a mess.
Please don't tell anybody.
Let me check my apartment.
This is a violation of our privacy.
If they can see inside our apartments, that means We can see other people's shit.
Let's check my neighbor Barry.
I know he's up to something.
Way to go, Barry.
He's got a gun.
Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! - Ohh! - Get out of there! [GUNSHOT] [GASPS] Whoa! Hardwood floors.
I'm jealous.
I really like what Barry did with the place.
Hampton DeVille is a data-driven company, and as you both know, John and I are total data nerds.
Well, we go nuts for data.
- We're data addicts.
- We get fuck up on data.
We know you both are data-heads, as well, which is why you'll be excited to hear about a clever new way we're collecting data in the office.
We're installing sensors underneath everyone's desks.
They detect when a workspace is occupied and report that data back to us.
I think that feels a little invasive.
Don't worry.
Data on its own is just a harmless object, like a sharp rock.
Yeah, or a, um, a gun.
[IMITATES GUN COCKING] Pow! - Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow! - Pow! Pow! [CHUCKLES, IMITATES GUN COCKING] [IMITATES GUN COCKING] Boom! [IMITATES GUN COCKING] - [IMITATING SOBBING] - [IMITATING SOBBING] [IMITATES GUNSHOT] I don't like the idea of the company knowing every time I go to the bathroom.
Oh, the two of you will not have desk sensors.
I withdraw my objection.
But we do want you to be the face of this initiative.
This is a chance for you to step into a management role.
Right now your co-workers see you as friends.
- Yuck.
- This will show them that you're in charge, like the boys in blue or the Man Upstairs.
- And if you get any guff - And you will receive guff.
just remind everyone that Hampton DeVille is pro-data, and to be anti-desk sensor is to be anti-data and therefore anti-Hampton DeVille.
And if anyone has any questions, we're happy to have a friendly convo.
- Ooh! - Yes, Tad? How long can we be away from our desks without being punished? Great question, Tad.
No one is being punished.
We're just collecting data.
But you might want to cut down on those bathroom breaks, or you will be punished.
What gives you, two cis white men, the right to keep track of every time I go to the bathroom? First of all, I'm not white.
I'm Jewish.
And I have walked a very difficult road.
Second, what gives us the right is we're superiors and above the law.
But we're also your friends and the same as all of you.
Do you two have desk sensors? Great question, Jessica.
But - We're sorry.
- This is like "1984," right? - Yeah! - And you guys are Big Brother.
This is nothing like "1984.
" I'll bet you've never even read "1984.
" Oh, I've read "1984.
" And it was a fucking page-turner.
I loved it.
The point is we're gonna be watching you at all times.
So think of us as God.
But remember, God loves you so much, and he's still a cool guy that you can get a beer with - after work.
- Wrong.
God is bad and vengeful and doesn't exist.
Now, you might want to get back to your desks because those sensors are turning on right about - now.
- [SENSORS BEEPING] Sorry about this, guys.
It's good, though.
This is a good thing.
This is a disaster.
Everybody's already mad at us.
Machiavelli said it's better to be feared than loved.
Well, I choose love.
Nobody loves or fears you.
People don't think about you at all.
Sure they do.
What do you think people think about you? I don't know.
Probably that I'm a good person - who was raised in a loving family.
- Mm-hmm.
That I'm kind and a good listener.
And I'm going places, you know? This isn't the end of the road for me.
- - That I'm wise beyond my years and still handsome as a teen.
And at the end of the day, I'm just trying my best because that's all anyone can do in this crazy world.
Somebody's been keeping a spreadsheet of every time I go to the bathroom.
Who shared you on this? The e-mail didn't say.
But this can't be accurate.
It says you go like 30 times a day.
I have a tiny bladder, okay? It's a weakness, and I don't want it to define me.
Tiny bladder, eh? I wouldn't worry about it.
Your defining characteristic will always be your huge ass.
Somebody shared Jake on a spreadsheet of every time he goes pee.
It has to be someone I pass on the way to the bathroom.
It's probably somebody mad about the desk sensors.
I've been getting tons of complaints.
Really? Who's been complaining about me? That's strictly confidential.
But what I can tell you is everyone.
Wait, where are you going? Where the fuck do you think? [DOOR SLAMS] [TOILET FLUSHES, WATER RUNS] [WATER SHUTS OFF, PAPER-TOWEL DISPENSER WHIRS] [MOUSE CLICKS] Look out, everybody! Big Brother's watching! Baron.
What makes you think it's Baron? The spreadsheet goes back for months.
Baron's had it out for me ever since he found out I had it out for him.
But here's the thing I only had it out for him because he had it out for me.
- - [COMPUTER BEEPS] He's on the move.
I've got eyes on him.
Text me the moment he gets back to his desk.
Got it.
And I'll man the fort here.
Whee! What the hell is this? I actually think working here is more like "A Brave New World" than "1984.
" It's definitely Kafka-esque.
More like "Fahrenheit 451.
" - It's a "Catch 22.
" - "Animal Farm.
" Anything by Philip K.
Dick, really.
- Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
"Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban," too.
Well, looks like Big Brother was eavesdropping on us.
Like "1984," that page-turner I devoured.
Oh, yeah? What was your favorite part? Uh, I mean, you know, there's so many cool parts.
It would be hard to just pick one, but you got to love that twist ending.
What was the twist ending? Well, I don't want to spoil it.
- We've all read it.
- Then we all know.
And it doesn't need to be said.
We probably should all go back to our desks.
Don't want to get in trouble.
What the hell are you doing on my computer, Levinson? I think the real question is what are you doing on your computer, Baron? [MENDELSSOHN'S "WEDDING MARCH" PLAYS] My Pinterest.
I used to think weddings were stupid, but then I went to my friend's wedding in Vermont.
It was fall.
The air smelled of maple.
And the centerpieces were as vibrant as the foliage.
I mean, it is the 21st century! We need to start thinking beyond cake, Jake! If I even see a chocolate fountain, I just get up and leave because it's a wedding on a damn cruise ship.
Have you ever seen a hedgehog be a ring bearer? Ooh.
I did.
Messed me up emotionally.
But it's what I needed.
And is anyone, like, funner than a-a drunk aunt? A drunk great-aunt.
I'll just say one last thing.
I think every wedding needs a hora.
The Chosens were correct about that one.
I've been single for a year and a half, but I've become obsessed with weddings.
It's a sickness.
But I don't want that to define me, so I would appreciate your discretion.
I won't tell anyone.
But in exchange, I need you to stop keeping a spreadsheet tracking every time I go to the bathroom.
What? I-I'm not doing that.
Why would anybody do that? I go 35 times a day.
Jesus Christ.
Um, you you really should see I've seen multiple doctors and a number of therapists.
I even asked my Rabbi.
Nobody has any answers.
Okay, yeah, I'm I'm sorry, but it is not me.
Well, then I need your help finding out who it is.
But first [DOOR SLAMS] [TOILET FLUSHES, WATER RUNS] [WATER SHUTS OFF, PAPER-TOWEL DISPENSER WHIRS] [MOUSE CLICKS] Please, please, just tell me what people are saying about me! Matt, relax.
People always complain about their bosses.
I need people to love me.
I'm not like Michael Tevelli.
Well, I also need people to love me.
Specifically, Tad.
Do you know what his deal is? No.
Why? He just updated his emergency contact, which suggests a recent break-up.
I've been using the HR system as a dating app.
- May I present - [KEYBOARD CLACKS] screen monitoring.
Every computer on the floor is connected to the Hampton DeVille network.
All it took was a little password phishing, a bit of mainframe hacking, and a dash of seduction to get administrator access.
Well, this is a terrifying look into the depths - of people's souls.
- I do it all the time.
It's so depressing.
I love it.
Dierdre's making horse memes.
- - I can do both, easy.
- Yeah, me, too.
No problem.
- Hmm.
Baron? Oh! Shit! Jake, I forgot to tell you! A little late, Matty.
Uh, what are you guys doing? Well, Jake's gonna use the bathroom while I watch everyone's screens to see who's been updating the spreadsheet.
You guys are spying on everyone's computers? That is a total invasion of privacy.
Hey, look, someone's G-chatting about you.
Show me everything.
All right, by the time I come back, we'll know who this goddamn piss detective is! [DOOR SLAMS, TOILET FLUSHES, WATER RUNS, WATER SHUTS OFF] [PAPER-TOWEL DISPENSER WHIRS, MOUSE CLICKS] Did you see who did it? But the spreadsheet still updated? How is this possible?! It could be someone on their phone or maybe a personal laptop.
Ooh, or one of those fridges that has Internet.
So we've learned nothing.
That's not entirely true.
We learned that Creston's having trouble adopting.
- [COMPUTER CHIMES] - Who would do this to me? Well, it's not Creston.
He's got enough on his plate.
Um, Jordy, you know, Mary They both hate you.
You know what, it could be someone from the thread.
What thread? - [SIGHS] - Oops.
There was never a good time to tell you, and honestly, I never was going to tell you.
Yeah, there's an e-mail thread about you.
It's been going on for a while.
- - It all started when Matt e-mailed Grace a picture of the two of you with the caption that read, "Hey, look, I met Grumpycat.
" [CHUCKLES] And then it kind of snowballed from there.
At this point, I think almost all of Hampton DeVille - is on the thread.
- Why is everyone doing this? Well, at first, I think they just liked making fun of you.
Now I think they come more for a sense of community.
And of course, the ass memes.
There's over 3,000 replies.
And most of them are about my ass.
Is it really that big? Ask Lynn.
How did my mom get on this? Hey, Paige.
I brought in cupcakes for everyone.
Why? Just to brighten your day.
Listen, I know everyone's feeling a little down about the desk sensors, which you shouldn't because there's nothing to worry about.
But hopefully, these cupcakes will cheer you up and remind you that I always got your back.
Ow! We've always got your back, too, Matt.
[LAUGHTER] [CHUCKLES] Well, you all deserve a chuckle, and I'm just happy to provide it.
Ohh! A-All right, you know what, hit me in the back with a cupcake once, shame on me.
But hit me in the back with a cupcake twice ow! Okay, you know what, I am your friend, but I am also your superior.
And so the next person that throws a cupcake at me is gonna get in trouble.
Big-time trouble! [DISTORTED] Jessica! You Big Brother motherfucker.
Do not post that! - [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS] - Tad! [JAKE SIGHS] At first, you think people are just tracking every time you piss, but then you learn that everyone's also e-mailing each other about your huge ass.
- These people are savages.
- [COMPUTER CHIMES] What do we have here? Maybe we could start a petition and present it to Kate and John and convince them to stop using the desk sensors.
Then everyone will stop talking about my swimsuit area.
No, Jake.
Macchiato was right.
We have to make these people fear us.
[DOOR OPENS] Paige Brisbin and Jessica Carter.
Smoking marijuana on company premises? Yeah.
Who cares? Got your confession on tape.
That's a phone.
There's no tape.
Got it on film, too.
This is going straight to HR.
Why are you being, like, such a narc all of a sudden? 'Cause I'm your fucking boss.
[INHALES SHARPLY] [COUGHS] Hey, Rachael, I'm starting a petition to get rid of the desk sensors.
Want to be the first to sign? Hey, Big Brother Hey, Fred.
Want to get rid of those desk sensors? As soon as you arrive You better get in touch with the people, Big Brother What's up, Jada? And get them on your side, Big Brother Nice signature, Tina.
And keep them satisfied Matt, why are you sending me pictures of employees smoking weed like you expect me to do something about it? I want Paige and Jessica brought to justice.
And in exchange, I will let you spy on Tad's computer.
I sentence Paige and Jessica to death.
Hey, Baron.
Glad to see your ass on our side for a change.
- - Hey, Big Brother As soon as you arrive You better get in touch with the people, Big Brother And get them on your side, Big Brother And keep them satisfied Welcome to the beat of a city street Walk on, now, and don't be shy Take a closer look at the people you meet Hey, Matt.
No cupcakes today? And notice the fear in their eyes Hello, Dierdre.
You working hard, or hardly working 'cause you're too busy making horse memes? That's right.
I know all about the horse memes.
Luckily for you, I'm a merciful God.
But I'm also a vengeful God.
Get you a God who can do both.
I got over 150 signatures.
Kate and John probably won't care, but at least people will know we tried.
- You should sign it, too.
- [CHUCKLES] So you want to make everybody like you.
Meredith Vieira must be rolling over in his grave.
- Matt.
- Jake, you're not gonna catch this piss detective with honey.
I really did not mean to coin the phrase "piss detective.
" Well, it's fucking coined! You want to find the piss detective? You got to flush them out.
MATT: It looks like many of you have taken issue with the desk sensors.
And listen, as your superiors, we hear your concerns.
And here's what we think of them.
- Matt! - Next order of business, and this is serious somebody has been keeping a spreadsheet of every time Jake goes to the bathroom.
And this is very embarrassing for Jake because he has a tiny child's bladder and no control over it.
[LAUGHTER] That's not entirely true.
It's a fairly big child's bladder.
He's sensitive about it, as he should be.
It's shameful what he does.
So here's what we're gonna do.
Until the piss detective reveals him or herself It's the 21st century we're going to be keeping track of everybody's bathroom usage.
No, we are not going to do that.
I'm the piss detective now! And I am also your boss and God.
And you know what? [LAUGHS] I haven't read "1983.
" But I'm starting to think that Big Brother was right on the money.
So should we all pee in a cup and bring it to your desk, oh, Mr.
Glorious Piss Detective, sir? How about you bring it to me in a decorative mason jar, Baron? That's right.
Baron here has a secret passion, and it's very weird.
And I'm going to unveil it.
Matt, no.
[JAKE GRUNTS, ALL GASP] Yes! Whoo! Yeah! Jake! I order you to stop! [APPLAUSE] - No.
- Go, go, go! Get down from there! Vivian! Everyone stop! Aah! Tad! KATE: So, we have received some very interesting data on the two of you.
Jake, you have destroyed company property, and, Matt, we received an anonymous tip from Baron that you have been spying on people's computer screens.
And claiming that you're a vengeful God? Which is just weird because God is great.
God is good.
Let us thank Him for our food.
- Amen.
- Amen.
- Amen.
- So, based on this new data, we're gonna make some changes.
We're excited to announce that the desk-sensor program has been officially terminated! - We did it! - Thank you! Very nice! Next order of business.
Um, we're sad to announce the start of the screen-monitoring program.
Fuck you! Hey, whatever happened between you and Tad? Oh, I looked into his house on Hampton DeVille Maps, and his bathroom is a mess.
- Mm.
- So, that's that.
That's tough.
Is the spreadsheet still updating whenever you go to the bathroom? Yeah.
I have no idea who's doing it.
I guess I'll never know.
Just one of many things that'll haunt me forever.
Wait, did we share Jake on the spreadsheet? I thought we just sent it to the thread.
Whoopsy daisy.
Do you ever think we went too far putting those cameras in the bathroom? No.
We were just collecting data.
- I mean, we are certified data addicts.
- We're data nuts.
- And we're coo-coo for data puffs.
- Coo-coo! Coo-coo! [SIGHS] I'll take a Machiavelli.
Double shot.
- [IMITATING GUNFIRE] - Pow! Pow! Take it in the knees.
Whop! Whop! Whop! Whop! Musket.
Tamp it down.
All you motherfuckers.
[GRUNTS] - Boom! - Boom! Ooh, kickback.