Corporate (2017) s02e09 Episode Script

Vacation

1 - I'm, like, stoked right now.
- I bet you are.
I know you.
Clancy! Welcome back! How was your vacation? Oh, it was amazing.
Thank you guys so much for the itinerary.
Now, tell me you went to that café.
Oh, best biscotti I've ever had.
That biscotti ruined me for American biscotti.
- Did you go on the hike? - Yes! Oh, the vista! All the vistas in America are trash.
- Did you - Yes.
Amazing.
What is this place? [Gasps] Oh, Kate.
The beauty is indescribable, but here's what it looked like.
It's God's country.
I'm gonna have an eighth of my ashes scattered there.
[Whispering] You've seen trees before, but when you go there, you'll realize you had no fucking clue what trees were.
[Normal voice] They call it Trivallo.
- Trivallo? - Unh-unh.
TOGETHER: Tri-vaaaaaah-o.
It's economically decimated.
But culturally, it's bursting with riches.
I bought a magnet with my name on it.
There's this restaurant.
It's in the ocean.
You have to try it.
Now, you're gonna get wet, but that's part of it.
[Whispering] You must try the Eucharist at the cathedral.
It ruined me for American Eucharist.
[Normal voice] Best ruins I've ever seen.
Ruined me for American ruins.
Now, I don't wanna oversell it, but let's just say you are finally gonna understand why I started spelling "color" with a "U.
" [Cheers and applause] Goodbye, everyone! I'm off to Trivallo! [Cheers and applause] [Birds chirping] [Biscotti crunches] [Coughing] So how was it? It was amazing! [All sigh] You two have to go.
- Nah.
- Okay.
[Telephone ringing] Ooh! Matt! Calling me so soon? I guess you're already bored of the vacation you went into credit-card debt to take.
Oh, it's beautiful here.
The energy in the air is just different.
The people here are very European.
It's hard to describe, but I definitely like it better than America.
I hope you enjoy pretending to have fun while I enjoy having the office all to myself.
Yeah, right.
You miss me.
Say it.
Say you miss me.
Matt, I'm sure of two things in this world I will die of a stroke in a condo and I will not miss you this week.
By the way, did you sign up for an international calling plan? If not, this call is costing you a fortune.
- Damn it! Okay, I'm gonna hang up.
- Oh, my God, is that Matt? Let me talk to him.
Hey, pal, how's the vacation going? - You soaking it all in? - Is he soaking it all in? He's soaking it all in.
- Put him on speaker! - Okay.
You're on speaker, bud, pipe up! MATT: It's going great.
The only downside is the airline lost my luggage, so I don't have anything other than the clothes I'm wearing.
Same thing happened to me.
Here's what you gotta do.
There's this little boutique - called Fellini's.
- Fellini's.
Drop my name to Carlo, and he'll cut you a great deal.
Okay, great.
Um, I gotta go, but Real quick, buddy, before we let you go we're still waiting on that efficacy report we asked you to finish.
So why don't you hop on that ASAP, and then you can just marinade in the sights and sounds of Trivallo.
- [Jackhammer pounding] - Okay.
Good bye.
Jake, we're glad to have you here focused on work, unlike Matt, who doesn't seem to care about his job at all.
We figured you'd be a little lonely without Matt and could use some company.
Actually, I was really looking forward Rick! Get in here.
There's the guy! There's our star player.
There's our stud.
Yeah.
So, uh, here's the thing we found some black mold in Rick's office.
Black mold is an understatement.
So while we sort that out, we're gonna let him shack up with you.
Rick is our most productive employee.
He has never taken a vacation and refuses to use a sick day.
Actually, you remind us a lot of Rick.
Just don't touch him or inhale his breath.
We think you two are going to get along like fish in a barrel.
Wait.
[Sighs] So, Rick, you gonna sue 'em for that black mold or what? [Snorts, coughs] [Birds chirping] [Sighs] There's a disturbing amount of plants in here, Grace.
Jake, let me introduce you to some of my new friends.
This is Succulent, he's the star.
This is Fern, the heartthrob with great hair.
This is Cactus, he does not like to be pet.
Personifying your plants is a major sign of depression.
I am depressed.
I used up all my vacation days going to my friends' weddings and funerals.
And now whenever I try to take unpaid vacation, there's some new office molester I have to deal with.
Oh, yeah, Trent and then Billy.
People weren't meant to be in offices.
We were made to live in the forest.
Oh, and Brooks.
Like Adam and Steve or the Unabomber.
Right, Fern? That's right, Grace.
I love the forest! What do you say to that, Jake? You're living a lie.
[Indistinct conversations] [Coughing] [Cellphone ringing] - Hello? - JOHN: Matt! - How's it going? - Oh, good.
I was just about to eat the biscotti.
Oh, the biscotti! Let us hear you take a bite! Yeah, give us a taste of Trivallo.
We wanna hear that crunch.
- Yes, yes, please, a little bit.
- Give us that crunch.
MATT: Uh, okay.
[Biscotti crunches] - [All sighing, moaning] - Oh, yes! Yeah, baby.
Masticate, Matt.
Masticate, Matt.
God damn it! Now let's hear you really chew it up! It's a little dry.
It is dry, isn't it? You better believe it is, so fucking dry.
Now, Matt? Matt? Do me a favor, buddy.
Now wash it down with some of that inky - [Groans] - black - [Groans] - espresso, Matt.
Sip that espresso, baby.
[Matt slurps, all moan] [Laughs] JOHN: Sounds thick.
Sounds thick.
How incredible was that? [Breathing heavily] - It's incredible.
- Incredible.
Hoo! Anyway, buddy, we noticed a typo in your last e-mail.
We're a little worried you don't have your head in the game.
It's almost like you're somewhere else.
You're dropping the bomb, buddy.
And it's starting to torque me off.
Oh! But while you're at the café, you must say hi to Pierro for me! - Oh! Promise us you'll say hi.
- Do it.
Okay, I promise.
- Ciao! - Ciao! - Excuse me.
- Sí? Uh, is there an employee here named Pierro? Oh, sí.
Pierro! [Both shouting in Italian] You no like my biscotti? Oh, no.
The biscotti's great.
It's just that, um, John says hi.
- Who? - John.
- What? - Um this is John.
He He ate here once.
Yeah? Well, he says hi.
We need this table for other customers.
You need to eat the biscotti and leave.
Ciao.
[Coughing] Thank you for the water, Grace! You're my best friend! You're my best friend, too, Fern! You're my mom, Grace! Aww.
You're Mommy's special guy, Cactus! You're my ex, Grace! I'm glad we left on good terms, Succulent.
Oh, no! What's this? Succulent, you're sick? Why didn't you tell me? We're broken up.
You're not entitled to every detail of my life anymore.
Well, I'm still gonna take care of you.
I thought succulents were supposed to be low-maintenance.
Not now, Orchid! [Grunting, wind whistling] [Hawk cries] [Chuckles] [Keyboard clicking] I'm a little cucumber [Chuckles] That's right, guys, it's me, Little Cucumber.
I'm here in Trivello Fuck! God damn it! It's Trivallo, Trivallo.
You know that.
[Sighs] I'm a little cucumber [Laughs] Hey, guys, it's me, Little Cucumber! I am here having the best time here in Trivello.
- [Cellphone chimes] - Trivallo! This is why you're losing all your fucking subscribers! I'm a little cucumber [Chuckles] Hi, guys! I'm having the time of my life.
Fuck! [Wind whistling] God damn it.
[Hawk cries] All right.
[Cellphone ringing] Oh! - [Thud] - Aah! [Groaning] Hello? KATE: Hey, Matt! You still soaking it all in? JOHN: You soaked? I was on the I was doing the hike.
I slipped.
I think I fractured my ankle.
Ooh, ouchie wouchie! Same thing happened to me, bud.
Listen, you've gotta go to the hospital.
It's incredible! You don't even feel like you're in a hospital.
Honestly, my doctor didn't even seem like a doctor.
[Keyboards clacking] [Sighs] Hey, Rick, you wanna hear a joke? Stop me if you've heard this one before.
What's the difference between Kate and John and a pair of shoes? Shoes have soles.
All right, Rick.
I'm gonna go to the cafeteria.
Do you wanna grab a bite? [Slurping] Okay, Rick.
[Telephone rings] [Sighs] [Birds chirping] [Sighs] God damn it! [Coughs] Am I gonna die? No, you're never gonna die.
But everybody dies.
Orchid, you're not helping! Uh Grace? Do you wanna get lunch? What, and leave my family to die?! I thought you said we weren't going to die.
Orchid! [Chatter] [Coughing] MATT: God damn it.
Stairs, of course.
[Grunts] "Your life will be changed.
" Hey! Hey, give me that back! That's mine! Hey! What the fuck? Fuck! What the fuck? - [Woman laughing] - Oh! Something funny? [Australian accent] Yeah.
You just got your purse stolen by a gymnastics prodigy.
Well, I'm glad this is all entertaining to someone.
It's very entertaining.
What else have you got? Well, it's too bad there's not a banana peel for me to slip on.
Ow! - [Laughs] - Shit.
[Groans] Well, that concludes tonight's performance.
- I'm just gonna go back to my hotel.
- [Laughs] I'm Olivia.
Let me give you a ride.
Okay, here's another hypothetical Let's say that I hit someone with my car right now.
And it's sort of their fault, but it's sort of my fault, too.
- Okay? - Would you report me to the authorities or would you be cool and help me dispose of the body? - Hmm.
- Let me just add that I would buy us gelato afterwards.
Okay.
Well, I'm in a foreign country, which means I do not know the number for the police.
And even if I did, you would probably put the blame on me.
- Naturally.
- Yeah.
I do not have the time in my schedule to be a political prisoner right now.
I mean, that is off the table.
- [Laughs] - So, I mean, yeah, if you're throwing in free gelato, give me a shovel.
I'll bury that fucking corpse.
[Both laugh] Well, here is your hotel.
And I guess I didn't kill anyone, so this night is over.
Yeah, it's a shame nobody died.
- Hmm.
- Well, thanks for the ride.
Unless I do know a great place to bury a body.
- [Laughs] - Do you wanna see? It is next to an amazing little gelato shoppe.
Oh, hey, Rick, that's actually my seat.
You might remember that from 10 minutes ago.
Rick? Ricky? Nothing.
Okay.
Well, here we go.
C'mon, Rick buddy, upsy daisy.
[Shrieks] Grace, I'd like to be buried in a closed casket at a traditional Catholic funeral.
You returned to the Church? Sing us a song, Grace.
Maybe a funeral dirge.
[To the tune of "Taps"] Dying plants Dying plants I'm so sad I'm so sad Dying plants I love you Cows go moo Lucy Liu [Grunts] Okay.
I got it.
- Wait, hold on.
No! - [Laughs] So, this is Kylie Minogue's estate, but she's never here.
I know about it 'cause I'm Australian.
Oh, you're Australian? Gross.
Yeah, I'm actually looking into corrective surgery to become Canadian.
[Laughs] You know, I was really regretting my vacation up until just now.
Why would you regret a holiday? Because everyone said this place was amazing, and then it just wasn't.
- Oh, shut up.
- [Laughs] At least you escaped your boring life and did something.
You know, doing stuff is always better than not doing stuff.
[Laughs] There.
That is where I would bury the body.
A swimming pool? That's a terrible place to bury a - No! - [Laughs] Hoo! [Slurping] [Sighs] [Slurping continues] Rick, stop it! It's empty! [Slurping continues] Rick, I know I don't even need to ask, but do you have yep.
Ahead of schedule, as usual.
Whoo, whoo, whoo.
Also, Jake, we received a super anonymous tip that you apparently think we're shoes, and also have no souls.
And I guess what we're sort of wondering is, what the fuck?! Jake I have a soul, and I'm going to heaven.
Maybe you should take a little tip from Rick and spend less time disparaging your mentors and a little more time click-clacking on that keyboard.
[Clicking tongue] [Clicking tongue] Ding! Hey, Rick? I don't know if anyone has told you, but I'm a petty, vengeful bitch and I know that about myself.
I went to therapy, accepted it wholly, and made it my brand.
I'm currently in the process of ruining dozens of people's lives, and you just hopped to the top of the list, buddy.
What do you think about that, Rick? Huh, Rick? Rick?! [High-pitched whimper] Ricky? [Police radio chatter] JOHN: What do you think happened? Was it the black mold? Do you want to bankrupt this company? Never speak of the black mold.
- What black mold, am I right? - John, you just said it.
No, I'm saying I'm not saying "black mold.
" [Telephone ringing, high-pitched whining] GRACE: People weren't meant to be in offices.
We were made to live in the forest.
You're going to die in the office, just like Rick.
Grace? Killed them all, of course.
Grace, you were right.
We don't belong here.
Let's go.
[Birds chirping] [Hawk cries] [Insect buzzing] God, there are a lot of bugs here.
Okay, I was wrong! The forest sucks.
Let's go.
[Sighs] By the way, did I tell you that Rick straight-up porked out? Well, I can honestly say that's the best sex I've ever had in Kylie Minogue's secret garden.
For me top 20? [Laughs] Hey, Olivia thanks for making my vacation worth it.
Oh, shut up.
[Engine starts] [Cellphone ringing] - Hello? - JOHN: Hey, buddy! How's the vacation going? Have you hit that gelato shoppe yet? - Whoo! - Gelato! Yeah, I did.
But I also just met the most amazing woman.
Oh, you met Olivia! How do you know Olivia? We all had sex with her in Kylie Minogue's secret garden.
Wasn't it so spontaneous? So romantic.
Best night of my life.
For me top 20? Oh, oh, Matt! Matt, here's a joke.
How do you say "gelato" in Italian? [Italian accent] Ice cream! [Laughter] I go, "Ice cream!" [Normal voice] And everyone's dying.
Then, my flight got delayed, so it took me 30 hours to get home.
And I didn't have time to shower, so I just had to throw on this suit and come straight into work.
Anyway, how was your week? It was great.
I'm bummed your back.
You missed me.
- Say you missed me.
Say it! - Never.
Matt! Back from paradise! - So how was it? - [Laughs] [Scoffs] It was uh - amazing.
- Yes.
[Laughs] We knew it! And you are welcome for making you go.
We're glad to have you back so you can pick up the ball you dropped last week.
And, Jake, we know you're worried sick about Rick.
But you'll be happy to know he's getting some much-needed R&R.
Mm-hmm.
[Coughing] [Slump!] [Ragtime music playing] [Slump!] - [Boing!] - [Smack!] [Sproing! Zip!] [Zing! Thud!] [Slump!] [Splash! Thud!]