Count Arthur Strong (2013) s02e01 Episode Script
The Heist
1 MICHAEL SIGHS I'm back! I'm teIIing you I don't have four pounds.
I had it earIier, but I forgot I'm wearing my suit with not quite enough money in the pockets.
That is none of my business! Just stand me the pound untiI I am wearing the correct cIothes, BuIent! No! Oh, teII him, wouId you? TeII him he's being unreasonabIe.
Um, but I don't reaIIy No, I know - give him a pound.
There! There's your precious money! ''My precious money''? I run a cafe! This is a cafe! Give me another pound.
And this is the tip that you are now not about to get.
What? I'm back! Ah! I don't care.
Are you going to order something? I haven't got any money now.
Hi! I am back.
So you keep saying.
Did you get that paint? What paint? Was it not you I asked to get the paint? I've been gone for six months, Arthur.
Where've you been? Home! York! Did they not have it IocaIIy? Sinem! Oh, you Oh Oh, heIIo! Hi.
Sorry, Simon This is MichaeI.
Simon? Oh and you're It's Iike a tongue twister.
Simon and Sinem, heh-heh! Simon and Sinem, Simon and Si It's aImost impossibIe to say! ''Simon and Sinem''.
I don't know.
I can say it.
Yes, you can, it's Iike an incredibIy straightforward tongue twister.
WeII, bye.
Goodbye! Love you! Sorry? What? What did you say? When? Just then.
Don't think I said anything.
He said he Ioves you .
.
for some reason.
WeII I Iike you too, MichaeI.
I guess it's nice you two get on Hasn't anybody noticed that I've not been here? Come to mention it, it has been a bit quiet on your side of the tabIe.
Where've you been? York - I toId you.
I've been writing.
WeII, trying to.
To be honest, it's not going great.
Thought I'd come back here and see if anyone had missed me.
MichaeI! You're back! Thank you, Eggy! Did you get that paint? What have you got? Sandpaper, sandwiches.
FIask.
FIask WiII you bring that? I'II bring the fIask.
Ooh - screwdriver, to get the Iid off.
WiII you bring that? I'II bring that.
What are you doing with the paint? We've got ourseIves a IittIe job on.
ReaIIy? You've gone into decorating? We have recentIy won the contract to paint a garage door yeIIow.
That's bIack.
Is it? Oh, bIack then, it doesn't matter.
A very dear friend of mine passed away.
He Ieft me some overaIIs and a step Iadder.
You must have been very cIose.
Hey, I teII you something, Eggy, you do a good job on this garage door and the money wiII be roIIing in.
What do you mean, if I do a good job? WeII, my strength Iies more on the administrative side of things - wining and dining cIients, et cetera.
That's what I bring to the tabIe.
Oh, OK.
Anyway, come on, Iet's go.
This door won't paint itseIf, wiII it? Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, it's off to work He's gone.
Hey, I was meaning to teII you.
Remember what you were saying about you're not abIe to write anymore? Oh, no, I wouIdn't go that far.
It's just a IittIe bIock.
It's actuaIIy very common.
You see, writers need certain things in order to create - soIitude, a sense of caIm.
One can't simpIy I've written a book.
What? You've written a book? When? How? Don't know.
Just did.
Right, weII, er ActuaIIy, weII done, Arthur.
It's not easy to write a book, so kudos.
Thank you.
In fact, if you'd Iike me to have a Iook at it, I'd be more than happy to Might as weII make myseIf usefuI.
What, er What kind of book is it? A racist one.
Oh, yes.
A racist one? It'II ruffIe a few feathers, beIieve you me.
You've written a racist book? It's very racist.
I can't wait for you to read it.
In what way is it racist? You know He-IIo Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo Ooh, Madame! Notnot racist, RACY.
A racy book.
Oh! You've written a racy You've written a racy book?! Yeah, Iike that, erm, 50 Crates Of PIates.
Augh Now I want it to be racist.
Butthere's a twist.
Oh, God, is there? It's for the over-70s.
There's nothing for them on the racy book front.
When can you read it? Do you know, I don't think I'm going to have time to read it.
You just said you wouId! I've just remembered, my agent insists on reading everything I'm sent, for IegaI reasons.
Even better, she can read it.
Um It's going to be a big one.
I'II corner the over-70s racy book market with this.
Is there a market there? Racy isn't I think at that age, most peopIe wouId be happy with a hug.
This caIIs for a ceIebration.
Two teas pIease, BuIent! We're ceIebrating! I've written a racist book! ''Beneath the PaisIey Patterned Eiderdown''.
Oh, come on.
PIease, SheiIa, just read enough to get a sense of it and then write a poIite note.
That's aII he's hoping for.
Oh, the things I do for my cIients.
Thank you.
WeII, at Ieast you're deIivering a book.
It's not funny, MichaeI.
They'II want that advance back.
Can you get me a new deadIine? PIease, SheiIa.
I I'II make this one, I promise.
WeII Oh, I can get you another six weeks.
Thank you.
But don't embarrass me again, MichaeI.
I'm warning you.
She was warning me, Arthur.
I don't Iike being warned.
That'II be the drink taIking.
It's aIways the drink taIking with SheiIa.
Doesn't make her Iess scary.
Yes, but she's got the book? Er, yes.
She took it home with her.
She's away for the weekend, but she'II read it first thing Monday.
Now, pIease, Arthur, I have got six weeks to write something, or SheiIa is going to take a contract out on me.
There you go, Arthur.
What's this? Carry On Cruising? Yeah, that was the one you wanted, wasn't it? LesIie PhiIips on the cruise ship.
I wanted Captain PhiIIips! You know, the one where Forrest Gump's a pirate! Oh, Eggy, I was Iooking forward to that, I was.
Why don't you just buy it if you want it so much? I don't buy fiIms untiI they come down to 1 .
99.
It's taking ages for this one.
I'II have it Eggy, but I'm not happy.
What's that? Written another? I've taken the precaution of making a copy of my book, in case SheiIa tries to pubIish it under her own name.
She's not going to do that, Arthur.
She's not insane.
Ooh, this is exciting.
To think, in a few months' time, peopIe might actuaIIy be reading about the steamy union of MichaeI and SheiIa.
You never know.
Sorry, what did you say? If aII goes weII, of course.
No, no - back then.
Whose steamy union? MichaeI and SheiIa.
Are you getting mixed up? That's my name - and my agent's name.
And the name of my characters.
You've named the characters in your racy book for the over-70s after SheiIa and me? ''As the stairIift ascended ''.
.
MichaeI's hand simiIarIy ascended ''to the top of SheiIa's support ankIet.
'' What? You've put me in your dirty book! Racy book, MichaeI - not ''dirty''.
I don't do fiIth.
Anyway, it's not you.
It's an eIderIy version of you.
But why SheiIa? You don't even know her.
WeII, I feeI Iike I know her.
AII the gossip you've toId me about her.
Like the time she had the affair with Martin Amis! That's in here?! You've written about her affair with Martin Amis! Was that not OK? No! Not OK! Not OK at aII! She toId me that in confidence! Oh, come on.
She'II never trace it back to you.
You've named your characters MichaeI and SheiIa! Oh, God, she can't read this.
She can't read this! ''SheiIa was haIfway through her fifth bottIe of gin''.
She Iikes a gIass of wine at Iunch, Arthur.
You said she was more or Iess an aIcohoIic.
She's going to drop me.
She's going to drop me! She won't drop you.
You make her money, you do.
Arthur, I can't write! I have spent the Iast six months pIaying Candy Crush! If she reads this, my career is over.
And you think that this might affect her brokering a deaI on my behaIf? Oh That is a probIem.
''Sodden with drink, mascara running down her face, ''SheiIa fought back the tears ''as Martin Amis puIIed his underpants back up ''.
.
and toId her their affair must come to an end.
''Just one more night, Martin.
'' she pIeaded.
''I promise I won't snore.
'' And aII that happened? It's word for word! Ugh CouId you Iift your head? I don't think that's hygienic.
Oh, sorry.
I can't survive in London without an agent.
The rents here are astronomicaI.
So, er You got a fIat? Yeah, I Yeah, I thought I wouId for a whiIe.
ReaIIy? That's, er Hey, darIing.
See you Iater.
Love you! MICHAEL GROANS MICHAEL GROANS Here, I've been thinking.
Stop it, stop thinking.
Do you know where SheiIa Iives? Yes.
WeII, there you go.
You said she was away for the weekend.
We can get in to her house and change her manuscript for a new one.
Eh? You can change aII the bits you don't think she'II Iike! She won't Iike any of it! I'd have to rewrite the whoIe thing.
WeII, we've got nearIy a whoIe weekend.
That's Ionger than it took me to write it.
SheiIa aIways Ieaves a key under a pIant pot by her front door, for the neighbours to feed the cat.
BriIIiant! We can get in, drop off the dummy manuscript and make our getaway.
Hey! It'II be Iike a heist! It's not Iike a heist! It's a bit Iike a heist.
No, we're just dropping something off.
I know you Iike to Iive as if you're in a fiIm, but I don't.
I'm not a heist type of person! You're not.
But I know a man who is.
You see I don't do that stuff anymore.
I'm retired.
Come on, just one Iast job - for me.
Let me make a few caIIs.
CRASH WiII you pIease turn the Iight on! MichaeI, this is how you do this sort of thing.
We aII know who it is! And anyway, I've changed my mind.
We're not going to her house.
AII right, what do you suggest? How are we supposed to swap them? I don't know.
I'II I'II go to her house first thing on Monday morning and say, ''Here you are, SheiIa.
Here's a nicer manuscript ''where everything is speIt correctIy and there's nothing about ''an oIder version of you and me in a menage a trois with WiII SeIf.
'' AII right, cIever cIogs.
What if she decides to come back earIy and reads it, eh? She comes back, goes to bed, can't sIeep, gets up, has a few drinks to send her off.
Drinks a bit too much, sick aII over the pIace.
There's nothing wrong with that, we've aII done it.
Looks down, sees a manuscript, thinks, ''Ooh, now I've been sick, I'II have a read of that.
'' Eh? No, no, no, no, no.
An exciting heist is the onIy sensibIe soIution.
How are you getting on? I've finished the first chapter.
AII right.
I've caIIed in a few favours.
What? What favours? What do you mean? I'm a fixer, MichaeI.
I connect peopIe with other peopIe.
That's what I do.
What other peopIe? Don't be teIIing other peopIe about this! Who are these peopIe? Stop taIking to peopIe.
I don't want to do a heist! Ow! Get it straight, paI - I ain't here to say ''pIease''.
This ain't Downton Abbey, this is reaI Iife! And if you ain't got the stomach for it, teII me now, or I'II waIk! No, no, no, John, it's not Iike that at aII.
Your heIp here is definiteIy appreciated.
MichaeI, say you're sorry.
He hit me! John hit me! Snap out of it! You've got to puII yourseIf together! Don't you hit me! Nobody's aIIowed to hit me any more! You better put some iron in your knickers, Missus.
There's no room in this outfit for a Jemima! Isn't this briIIiant? How much Ionger have we got to stay cooped up in this room? It's driving me crazy.
Right, here we go.
LOUD KNOCKS AT DOOR What? I'm quite scared.
I don't want to get mixed up with gangsters and that sort of thing.
I'm finding this aII very stressfuI.
PuII yourseIf together! We've taIked about this.
There's no other option.
But what if we get caught? John's one of the best fixers there is.
We've got to get that book back, or it's curtains for both of us.
How are you doing? AII right, I, er, I Iost chapter three because it didn't reaIIy add anything, so I think you get into the action a bit quicker now.
Sounds good! Where are you up to? I'm at the bit where they check into the Premier Inn for the weekend.
I'm quite frightened about that too.
Is that the bit where she scaIds her backside on the toweI raiI? Thanks for turning out.
I appreciate this.
I know you're a busy man.
HeIIo, everyone! Eggy? That's who we've been waiting for? What a IoveIy surprise! Sorry I'm Iate.
I was on the toiIet and the cat feII asIeep in my trousers.
I didn't have the heart to wake him.
Aww, that wouId make a nice poster.
You bIoody sIapped me and we were waiting for Eggy? No names! We've got to use nicknames.
He's The Lookout.
Every outfit has a Lookout.
What are you, then?The Fixer.
Because you phoned Eggy? I'm The Ghost.
The Ghost? What makes you The Ghost? Because I'm a shadow - I'm a rumour.
No-one knows if I .
.
if I exist.
What about me? ShouId I have a nickname? I don't want to be caIIed ''Bookworm'', thank you, Arthur.
I was caIIed that at schooI.
What about ''The Computer Boy''? I'm not a boy.
AII right, ''The Computer Man''.
No, that sounds Iike I work in a repair shop.
Don't knock it, there's a Iot of money in that.
Hey, they do say that in the future, there'II be a computer in every home .
.
as pisposperous as that may sound.
Oh, Eggy - did you remember Captain PhiIIips? Sorry, Arthur.
The whoIe cat thing put it out of my head.
Oh, Eggy - you can't Iet nesting cats affect you to that extent.
If something Iike that's going to distract him, we might as weII give up now! What is it we're doing again? Nicknames! Nicknames.
So that's settIed.
The Fixer, The Lookout, The Ghost Captain Mark PhiIIips.
This is ridicuIous.
We don't need nicknames! You're ruining it for everyone! Knock it off, you two.
WeII, I didn't want him on the job in the first pIace! The kid's green! He's greener than a stick of ceIery! AII right, Iook! I'II be ''Fingers'' - because I type with my fingers.
Oh, that makes a Iot of sense actuaIIy.
AII right, that's settIed then.
The Fixer, The Ghost AII right, keep your hair on, ThimbIes.
Fingers! Who's Fingers? I am! Because I type with my fingers! Oh, that makes a Iot of sense, actuaIIy.
THUD Finished.
I did it.
I did it.
A few days ago, I had writer's bIock.
Now I've written an erotic noveI about the eIderIy.
Oh, be carefuI - don't get it confused up with the oId one.
WeII, no, no.
That's the oId one.
This one? No, no, that one.
Don't get them mixed up.
Haha! Imagine if that happened.
LAUGHTER ALL SIGH Here we are, everyone! What's in there? Our disguises! Disguises! Ooh, this just gets better and better! What kind of disguises? Cos I can't wear a baIacIava.
UnIess it's siIk.
Is it siIk? I can't have wooI on my face.
Can't you? WeII, I have a simiIar thing.
I can't wear anything with Iace on it.
Oh, Iace is a nightmare.
No, no, Iook.
Of course! And if anyone asks, we can say we're painters and decorators.
BriIIiant, Eggy! We're going to need transport.
Something that won't draw attention.
Don't worry, John.
I've got that covered.
I've toId you, we don't do ice creams! We're painters and decorators! What are you doing up so Iate, anyway? What is wrong with peopIe, Ietting their chiIdren gaIIivant about at this hour? You put the music on! That was an accident! AII right, aII right, don't Iet's not go over aII that again.
WeII, I haven't seen any Iights for an hour.
There's definiteIy nobody in there.
AII right, I think we're as ready as we're ever going to be.
DOG BARKS OK, is everyone ready? Right, Iet's do this.
Where are you aII going? Isn't it that one? No! Have you aII been Iooking at the wrong house? Is it not that one? No! ''The Lookout''(!) What do we say again, if someone comes? Who are we? 24 hour emergency painters and decorators.
It's not here! What's not? The key! She aIways Ieaves it here.
BriIIiant! That means we can break in! It is a heist! It's not a heist! HeIIo? It's aII right.
We're painting SheiIa's door.
Don't use her name! AII right, I'm sorry.
Er We're painting this door, but we don't know who Iives here.
What, at night? Emergency 24 hour caII-out.
Do you have a card? I'm sorry? Do you have a card? Er, not on me, no.
But if you want my number for a quote or something, it's Arthur Strong Count Arthur Strong and the number is 020 7946 001 2.
I may be in touch.
Arthur, you've just toId him your name.
Oh, for crying out Er, heIIo? I'm sorry.
HeIIo? What? I gave you a faIse name then, I sometimes use for things Iike this.
My reaI name is .
.
Rocky FugIar Hegarty.
Thanks.
I think I got away with it.
I went in round the back.
AII right, come in, come in, come in.
DOOR SLAMS Where are the torches? Torches You forgot the torches? I don't beIieve it, John! Right, the first thing we have to do is find some torches.
Fingers, you know her better than anyone - where wouId SheiIa keep a torch? It's aII right.
I'II use my phone.
Who are you phoning? SheiIa? Ask her where she keeps a torch! I'II use my phone as a Iight! Hang on a second, you couId use that to find the manuscript - then we won't need a torch! I know! And we won't need to phone SheiIa.
CanceI the caII to SheiIa.
Go outside and start the van, I can do this myseIf.
I want to come with you! Why? It's exciting! DOOR SLAMS Oh, aII right.
Right, come on, quick.
What's up with you? I thought there'd be a bit more to it than this.
You know, Iike guard dogs and trip wires.
This isn't a fiIm! KEY TURNS IN LOCK No, no, no, it's not too Iate.
We're just coming in now.
It's SheiIa.
Thank you again, SheiIa! Peter says thank you.
And yeah, thank you from me too.
It's been a briIIiant stay.
AII right, enjoy the rest of it.
Bye.
Bye, Sis.
Ah, right.
Going to shower and go to bed.
Mwah.
Mwah.
Night-night.
Night-night.
I might just watch a fiIm.
VOICES ON TV Ooh - Captain PhiIIips.
I've been dying to see this.
Have you fed the cat? No, I haven't fed the cat ShaII we make a run for it? It's Captain PhiIIips! So what? I reaIIy want to see it! We can't watch it now! Why not? Have you seen it? WeII, then.
Arthur! I won't be abIe to enjoy it! This situation is stressfuI enough without having to watch Captain PhiIIips! It might take your mind off things.
No!Done it! Oh, for God's sake - he's coming back! FILM TITLE MUSIC BEGINS GUNFIRE AND EXPLOSIONS ON TV He's asIeep.
I can't take this, Arthur! If they don't rescue Tom Hanks soon, I'm going to have a heart attack.
Oh, I've had enough.
There's not a proper pirate in it.
What's happened to Johnny Depp? Come on.
DOOR SLAMS Where've you been? We were about to phone the poIice.
The poIice? BriIIiant.
We've been watching Captain PhiIIips.
Ooh, was it good? Nah, I didn't Iike it, Eggy.
BeautifuIIy acted, but I think It's not important! By the way, is this not the one you shouId have taken in? No, no, no, no, no.
Oh, Eggy! It's not his fauIt.
Shut up, John! Don't you teII me to shut up I wiII teII you to shut up! Why didn't you teII me? WeII, because you sent me back out to the van.
You couId have come back and got me! Guys, guys! Listen to you - THEY SHOUT OVER EACH OTHER arguing Iike cats fighting in a pair of Eggy's trousers.
AII right, maybe the heist wasn't entireIy successfuI, but two of us got to watch a bit of Captain PhiIIips for free and I'd say that was pretty good going.
Even though in my opinion it'ssIightIy over-rated.
It just shows you what we can achieve.
''What we can achieve''? We have just repIaced a manuscript with aII of SheiIa's stories in with another manuscript, which is exactIy the same.
Yes - and we did it together! 'I Ioved it, MichaeI! 'CompIeteIy unpubIishabIe of course, but it's very joIIy!' Did you know he's named the protagonists after us? 'Oh, and she's a great character.
' Boozy oId fIirt with a drink probIem.
I know so many peopIe Iike that in this business.
Right.
OK Thanks, SheiIa.
Bye! She Iiked it.
Did she? What about the names and aII the stories you toId me about her? She just thinks it's true to Iife.
BriIIiant! Hey, everyone! I'm having a book pubIished! Oh, no, no, sorry, Arthur.
She She doesn't think the pubIic's quite ready for it.
Oh.
Oh, weII, it doesn't matter.
Ahead of its time.
I'II just have to write another one.
How do you do it? How do you just sit down anddo it? WeII, you just make a start, don't you? Remember, a job begun is a job haIf done.
Hey, Arthur! Is this true? Sinem paid for your Iunch? Sinem very kindIy said I couId pay her tomorrow, when I'm wearing the correct cIothing.
I toId you - you eat now, you pay now! AII right, MichaeI? Hi, Eggy.
What you writing, Fingers? I don't know.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, Iisten - it's nothing to do with you ARTHUR AND BULEN TALK OVER EACH OTHER
I had it earIier, but I forgot I'm wearing my suit with not quite enough money in the pockets.
That is none of my business! Just stand me the pound untiI I am wearing the correct cIothes, BuIent! No! Oh, teII him, wouId you? TeII him he's being unreasonabIe.
Um, but I don't reaIIy No, I know - give him a pound.
There! There's your precious money! ''My precious money''? I run a cafe! This is a cafe! Give me another pound.
And this is the tip that you are now not about to get.
What? I'm back! Ah! I don't care.
Are you going to order something? I haven't got any money now.
Hi! I am back.
So you keep saying.
Did you get that paint? What paint? Was it not you I asked to get the paint? I've been gone for six months, Arthur.
Where've you been? Home! York! Did they not have it IocaIIy? Sinem! Oh, you Oh Oh, heIIo! Hi.
Sorry, Simon This is MichaeI.
Simon? Oh and you're It's Iike a tongue twister.
Simon and Sinem, heh-heh! Simon and Sinem, Simon and Si It's aImost impossibIe to say! ''Simon and Sinem''.
I don't know.
I can say it.
Yes, you can, it's Iike an incredibIy straightforward tongue twister.
WeII, bye.
Goodbye! Love you! Sorry? What? What did you say? When? Just then.
Don't think I said anything.
He said he Ioves you .
.
for some reason.
WeII I Iike you too, MichaeI.
I guess it's nice you two get on Hasn't anybody noticed that I've not been here? Come to mention it, it has been a bit quiet on your side of the tabIe.
Where've you been? York - I toId you.
I've been writing.
WeII, trying to.
To be honest, it's not going great.
Thought I'd come back here and see if anyone had missed me.
MichaeI! You're back! Thank you, Eggy! Did you get that paint? What have you got? Sandpaper, sandwiches.
FIask.
FIask WiII you bring that? I'II bring the fIask.
Ooh - screwdriver, to get the Iid off.
WiII you bring that? I'II bring that.
What are you doing with the paint? We've got ourseIves a IittIe job on.
ReaIIy? You've gone into decorating? We have recentIy won the contract to paint a garage door yeIIow.
That's bIack.
Is it? Oh, bIack then, it doesn't matter.
A very dear friend of mine passed away.
He Ieft me some overaIIs and a step Iadder.
You must have been very cIose.
Hey, I teII you something, Eggy, you do a good job on this garage door and the money wiII be roIIing in.
What do you mean, if I do a good job? WeII, my strength Iies more on the administrative side of things - wining and dining cIients, et cetera.
That's what I bring to the tabIe.
Oh, OK.
Anyway, come on, Iet's go.
This door won't paint itseIf, wiII it? Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, it's off to work He's gone.
Hey, I was meaning to teII you.
Remember what you were saying about you're not abIe to write anymore? Oh, no, I wouIdn't go that far.
It's just a IittIe bIock.
It's actuaIIy very common.
You see, writers need certain things in order to create - soIitude, a sense of caIm.
One can't simpIy I've written a book.
What? You've written a book? When? How? Don't know.
Just did.
Right, weII, er ActuaIIy, weII done, Arthur.
It's not easy to write a book, so kudos.
Thank you.
In fact, if you'd Iike me to have a Iook at it, I'd be more than happy to Might as weII make myseIf usefuI.
What, er What kind of book is it? A racist one.
Oh, yes.
A racist one? It'II ruffIe a few feathers, beIieve you me.
You've written a racist book? It's very racist.
I can't wait for you to read it.
In what way is it racist? You know He-IIo Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo Ooh, Madame! Notnot racist, RACY.
A racy book.
Oh! You've written a racy You've written a racy book?! Yeah, Iike that, erm, 50 Crates Of PIates.
Augh Now I want it to be racist.
Butthere's a twist.
Oh, God, is there? It's for the over-70s.
There's nothing for them on the racy book front.
When can you read it? Do you know, I don't think I'm going to have time to read it.
You just said you wouId! I've just remembered, my agent insists on reading everything I'm sent, for IegaI reasons.
Even better, she can read it.
Um It's going to be a big one.
I'II corner the over-70s racy book market with this.
Is there a market there? Racy isn't I think at that age, most peopIe wouId be happy with a hug.
This caIIs for a ceIebration.
Two teas pIease, BuIent! We're ceIebrating! I've written a racist book! ''Beneath the PaisIey Patterned Eiderdown''.
Oh, come on.
PIease, SheiIa, just read enough to get a sense of it and then write a poIite note.
That's aII he's hoping for.
Oh, the things I do for my cIients.
Thank you.
WeII, at Ieast you're deIivering a book.
It's not funny, MichaeI.
They'II want that advance back.
Can you get me a new deadIine? PIease, SheiIa.
I I'II make this one, I promise.
WeII Oh, I can get you another six weeks.
Thank you.
But don't embarrass me again, MichaeI.
I'm warning you.
She was warning me, Arthur.
I don't Iike being warned.
That'II be the drink taIking.
It's aIways the drink taIking with SheiIa.
Doesn't make her Iess scary.
Yes, but she's got the book? Er, yes.
She took it home with her.
She's away for the weekend, but she'II read it first thing Monday.
Now, pIease, Arthur, I have got six weeks to write something, or SheiIa is going to take a contract out on me.
There you go, Arthur.
What's this? Carry On Cruising? Yeah, that was the one you wanted, wasn't it? LesIie PhiIips on the cruise ship.
I wanted Captain PhiIIips! You know, the one where Forrest Gump's a pirate! Oh, Eggy, I was Iooking forward to that, I was.
Why don't you just buy it if you want it so much? I don't buy fiIms untiI they come down to 1 .
99.
It's taking ages for this one.
I'II have it Eggy, but I'm not happy.
What's that? Written another? I've taken the precaution of making a copy of my book, in case SheiIa tries to pubIish it under her own name.
She's not going to do that, Arthur.
She's not insane.
Ooh, this is exciting.
To think, in a few months' time, peopIe might actuaIIy be reading about the steamy union of MichaeI and SheiIa.
You never know.
Sorry, what did you say? If aII goes weII, of course.
No, no - back then.
Whose steamy union? MichaeI and SheiIa.
Are you getting mixed up? That's my name - and my agent's name.
And the name of my characters.
You've named the characters in your racy book for the over-70s after SheiIa and me? ''As the stairIift ascended ''.
.
MichaeI's hand simiIarIy ascended ''to the top of SheiIa's support ankIet.
'' What? You've put me in your dirty book! Racy book, MichaeI - not ''dirty''.
I don't do fiIth.
Anyway, it's not you.
It's an eIderIy version of you.
But why SheiIa? You don't even know her.
WeII, I feeI Iike I know her.
AII the gossip you've toId me about her.
Like the time she had the affair with Martin Amis! That's in here?! You've written about her affair with Martin Amis! Was that not OK? No! Not OK! Not OK at aII! She toId me that in confidence! Oh, come on.
She'II never trace it back to you.
You've named your characters MichaeI and SheiIa! Oh, God, she can't read this.
She can't read this! ''SheiIa was haIfway through her fifth bottIe of gin''.
She Iikes a gIass of wine at Iunch, Arthur.
You said she was more or Iess an aIcohoIic.
She's going to drop me.
She's going to drop me! She won't drop you.
You make her money, you do.
Arthur, I can't write! I have spent the Iast six months pIaying Candy Crush! If she reads this, my career is over.
And you think that this might affect her brokering a deaI on my behaIf? Oh That is a probIem.
''Sodden with drink, mascara running down her face, ''SheiIa fought back the tears ''as Martin Amis puIIed his underpants back up ''.
.
and toId her their affair must come to an end.
''Just one more night, Martin.
'' she pIeaded.
''I promise I won't snore.
'' And aII that happened? It's word for word! Ugh CouId you Iift your head? I don't think that's hygienic.
Oh, sorry.
I can't survive in London without an agent.
The rents here are astronomicaI.
So, er You got a fIat? Yeah, I Yeah, I thought I wouId for a whiIe.
ReaIIy? That's, er Hey, darIing.
See you Iater.
Love you! MICHAEL GROANS MICHAEL GROANS Here, I've been thinking.
Stop it, stop thinking.
Do you know where SheiIa Iives? Yes.
WeII, there you go.
You said she was away for the weekend.
We can get in to her house and change her manuscript for a new one.
Eh? You can change aII the bits you don't think she'II Iike! She won't Iike any of it! I'd have to rewrite the whoIe thing.
WeII, we've got nearIy a whoIe weekend.
That's Ionger than it took me to write it.
SheiIa aIways Ieaves a key under a pIant pot by her front door, for the neighbours to feed the cat.
BriIIiant! We can get in, drop off the dummy manuscript and make our getaway.
Hey! It'II be Iike a heist! It's not Iike a heist! It's a bit Iike a heist.
No, we're just dropping something off.
I know you Iike to Iive as if you're in a fiIm, but I don't.
I'm not a heist type of person! You're not.
But I know a man who is.
You see I don't do that stuff anymore.
I'm retired.
Come on, just one Iast job - for me.
Let me make a few caIIs.
CRASH WiII you pIease turn the Iight on! MichaeI, this is how you do this sort of thing.
We aII know who it is! And anyway, I've changed my mind.
We're not going to her house.
AII right, what do you suggest? How are we supposed to swap them? I don't know.
I'II I'II go to her house first thing on Monday morning and say, ''Here you are, SheiIa.
Here's a nicer manuscript ''where everything is speIt correctIy and there's nothing about ''an oIder version of you and me in a menage a trois with WiII SeIf.
'' AII right, cIever cIogs.
What if she decides to come back earIy and reads it, eh? She comes back, goes to bed, can't sIeep, gets up, has a few drinks to send her off.
Drinks a bit too much, sick aII over the pIace.
There's nothing wrong with that, we've aII done it.
Looks down, sees a manuscript, thinks, ''Ooh, now I've been sick, I'II have a read of that.
'' Eh? No, no, no, no, no.
An exciting heist is the onIy sensibIe soIution.
How are you getting on? I've finished the first chapter.
AII right.
I've caIIed in a few favours.
What? What favours? What do you mean? I'm a fixer, MichaeI.
I connect peopIe with other peopIe.
That's what I do.
What other peopIe? Don't be teIIing other peopIe about this! Who are these peopIe? Stop taIking to peopIe.
I don't want to do a heist! Ow! Get it straight, paI - I ain't here to say ''pIease''.
This ain't Downton Abbey, this is reaI Iife! And if you ain't got the stomach for it, teII me now, or I'II waIk! No, no, no, John, it's not Iike that at aII.
Your heIp here is definiteIy appreciated.
MichaeI, say you're sorry.
He hit me! John hit me! Snap out of it! You've got to puII yourseIf together! Don't you hit me! Nobody's aIIowed to hit me any more! You better put some iron in your knickers, Missus.
There's no room in this outfit for a Jemima! Isn't this briIIiant? How much Ionger have we got to stay cooped up in this room? It's driving me crazy.
Right, here we go.
LOUD KNOCKS AT DOOR What? I'm quite scared.
I don't want to get mixed up with gangsters and that sort of thing.
I'm finding this aII very stressfuI.
PuII yourseIf together! We've taIked about this.
There's no other option.
But what if we get caught? John's one of the best fixers there is.
We've got to get that book back, or it's curtains for both of us.
How are you doing? AII right, I, er, I Iost chapter three because it didn't reaIIy add anything, so I think you get into the action a bit quicker now.
Sounds good! Where are you up to? I'm at the bit where they check into the Premier Inn for the weekend.
I'm quite frightened about that too.
Is that the bit where she scaIds her backside on the toweI raiI? Thanks for turning out.
I appreciate this.
I know you're a busy man.
HeIIo, everyone! Eggy? That's who we've been waiting for? What a IoveIy surprise! Sorry I'm Iate.
I was on the toiIet and the cat feII asIeep in my trousers.
I didn't have the heart to wake him.
Aww, that wouId make a nice poster.
You bIoody sIapped me and we were waiting for Eggy? No names! We've got to use nicknames.
He's The Lookout.
Every outfit has a Lookout.
What are you, then?The Fixer.
Because you phoned Eggy? I'm The Ghost.
The Ghost? What makes you The Ghost? Because I'm a shadow - I'm a rumour.
No-one knows if I .
.
if I exist.
What about me? ShouId I have a nickname? I don't want to be caIIed ''Bookworm'', thank you, Arthur.
I was caIIed that at schooI.
What about ''The Computer Boy''? I'm not a boy.
AII right, ''The Computer Man''.
No, that sounds Iike I work in a repair shop.
Don't knock it, there's a Iot of money in that.
Hey, they do say that in the future, there'II be a computer in every home .
.
as pisposperous as that may sound.
Oh, Eggy - did you remember Captain PhiIIips? Sorry, Arthur.
The whoIe cat thing put it out of my head.
Oh, Eggy - you can't Iet nesting cats affect you to that extent.
If something Iike that's going to distract him, we might as weII give up now! What is it we're doing again? Nicknames! Nicknames.
So that's settIed.
The Fixer, The Lookout, The Ghost Captain Mark PhiIIips.
This is ridicuIous.
We don't need nicknames! You're ruining it for everyone! Knock it off, you two.
WeII, I didn't want him on the job in the first pIace! The kid's green! He's greener than a stick of ceIery! AII right, Iook! I'II be ''Fingers'' - because I type with my fingers.
Oh, that makes a Iot of sense actuaIIy.
AII right, that's settIed then.
The Fixer, The Ghost AII right, keep your hair on, ThimbIes.
Fingers! Who's Fingers? I am! Because I type with my fingers! Oh, that makes a Iot of sense, actuaIIy.
THUD Finished.
I did it.
I did it.
A few days ago, I had writer's bIock.
Now I've written an erotic noveI about the eIderIy.
Oh, be carefuI - don't get it confused up with the oId one.
WeII, no, no.
That's the oId one.
This one? No, no, that one.
Don't get them mixed up.
Haha! Imagine if that happened.
LAUGHTER ALL SIGH Here we are, everyone! What's in there? Our disguises! Disguises! Ooh, this just gets better and better! What kind of disguises? Cos I can't wear a baIacIava.
UnIess it's siIk.
Is it siIk? I can't have wooI on my face.
Can't you? WeII, I have a simiIar thing.
I can't wear anything with Iace on it.
Oh, Iace is a nightmare.
No, no, Iook.
Of course! And if anyone asks, we can say we're painters and decorators.
BriIIiant, Eggy! We're going to need transport.
Something that won't draw attention.
Don't worry, John.
I've got that covered.
I've toId you, we don't do ice creams! We're painters and decorators! What are you doing up so Iate, anyway? What is wrong with peopIe, Ietting their chiIdren gaIIivant about at this hour? You put the music on! That was an accident! AII right, aII right, don't Iet's not go over aII that again.
WeII, I haven't seen any Iights for an hour.
There's definiteIy nobody in there.
AII right, I think we're as ready as we're ever going to be.
DOG BARKS OK, is everyone ready? Right, Iet's do this.
Where are you aII going? Isn't it that one? No! Have you aII been Iooking at the wrong house? Is it not that one? No! ''The Lookout''(!) What do we say again, if someone comes? Who are we? 24 hour emergency painters and decorators.
It's not here! What's not? The key! She aIways Ieaves it here.
BriIIiant! That means we can break in! It is a heist! It's not a heist! HeIIo? It's aII right.
We're painting SheiIa's door.
Don't use her name! AII right, I'm sorry.
Er We're painting this door, but we don't know who Iives here.
What, at night? Emergency 24 hour caII-out.
Do you have a card? I'm sorry? Do you have a card? Er, not on me, no.
But if you want my number for a quote or something, it's Arthur Strong Count Arthur Strong and the number is 020 7946 001 2.
I may be in touch.
Arthur, you've just toId him your name.
Oh, for crying out Er, heIIo? I'm sorry.
HeIIo? What? I gave you a faIse name then, I sometimes use for things Iike this.
My reaI name is .
.
Rocky FugIar Hegarty.
Thanks.
I think I got away with it.
I went in round the back.
AII right, come in, come in, come in.
DOOR SLAMS Where are the torches? Torches You forgot the torches? I don't beIieve it, John! Right, the first thing we have to do is find some torches.
Fingers, you know her better than anyone - where wouId SheiIa keep a torch? It's aII right.
I'II use my phone.
Who are you phoning? SheiIa? Ask her where she keeps a torch! I'II use my phone as a Iight! Hang on a second, you couId use that to find the manuscript - then we won't need a torch! I know! And we won't need to phone SheiIa.
CanceI the caII to SheiIa.
Go outside and start the van, I can do this myseIf.
I want to come with you! Why? It's exciting! DOOR SLAMS Oh, aII right.
Right, come on, quick.
What's up with you? I thought there'd be a bit more to it than this.
You know, Iike guard dogs and trip wires.
This isn't a fiIm! KEY TURNS IN LOCK No, no, no, it's not too Iate.
We're just coming in now.
It's SheiIa.
Thank you again, SheiIa! Peter says thank you.
And yeah, thank you from me too.
It's been a briIIiant stay.
AII right, enjoy the rest of it.
Bye.
Bye, Sis.
Ah, right.
Going to shower and go to bed.
Mwah.
Mwah.
Night-night.
Night-night.
I might just watch a fiIm.
VOICES ON TV Ooh - Captain PhiIIips.
I've been dying to see this.
Have you fed the cat? No, I haven't fed the cat ShaII we make a run for it? It's Captain PhiIIips! So what? I reaIIy want to see it! We can't watch it now! Why not? Have you seen it? WeII, then.
Arthur! I won't be abIe to enjoy it! This situation is stressfuI enough without having to watch Captain PhiIIips! It might take your mind off things.
No!Done it! Oh, for God's sake - he's coming back! FILM TITLE MUSIC BEGINS GUNFIRE AND EXPLOSIONS ON TV He's asIeep.
I can't take this, Arthur! If they don't rescue Tom Hanks soon, I'm going to have a heart attack.
Oh, I've had enough.
There's not a proper pirate in it.
What's happened to Johnny Depp? Come on.
DOOR SLAMS Where've you been? We were about to phone the poIice.
The poIice? BriIIiant.
We've been watching Captain PhiIIips.
Ooh, was it good? Nah, I didn't Iike it, Eggy.
BeautifuIIy acted, but I think It's not important! By the way, is this not the one you shouId have taken in? No, no, no, no, no.
Oh, Eggy! It's not his fauIt.
Shut up, John! Don't you teII me to shut up I wiII teII you to shut up! Why didn't you teII me? WeII, because you sent me back out to the van.
You couId have come back and got me! Guys, guys! Listen to you - THEY SHOUT OVER EACH OTHER arguing Iike cats fighting in a pair of Eggy's trousers.
AII right, maybe the heist wasn't entireIy successfuI, but two of us got to watch a bit of Captain PhiIIips for free and I'd say that was pretty good going.
Even though in my opinion it'ssIightIy over-rated.
It just shows you what we can achieve.
''What we can achieve''? We have just repIaced a manuscript with aII of SheiIa's stories in with another manuscript, which is exactIy the same.
Yes - and we did it together! 'I Ioved it, MichaeI! 'CompIeteIy unpubIishabIe of course, but it's very joIIy!' Did you know he's named the protagonists after us? 'Oh, and she's a great character.
' Boozy oId fIirt with a drink probIem.
I know so many peopIe Iike that in this business.
Right.
OK Thanks, SheiIa.
Bye! She Iiked it.
Did she? What about the names and aII the stories you toId me about her? She just thinks it's true to Iife.
BriIIiant! Hey, everyone! I'm having a book pubIished! Oh, no, no, sorry, Arthur.
She She doesn't think the pubIic's quite ready for it.
Oh.
Oh, weII, it doesn't matter.
Ahead of its time.
I'II just have to write another one.
How do you do it? How do you just sit down anddo it? WeII, you just make a start, don't you? Remember, a job begun is a job haIf done.
Hey, Arthur! Is this true? Sinem paid for your Iunch? Sinem very kindIy said I couId pay her tomorrow, when I'm wearing the correct cIothing.
I toId you - you eat now, you pay now! AII right, MichaeI? Hi, Eggy.
What you writing, Fingers? I don't know.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, Iisten - it's nothing to do with you ARTHUR AND BULEN TALK OVER EACH OTHER