Count Arthur Strong (2013) s02e05 Episode Script
Still Life
MICHAEL HUMS A TUNE CouId you just? You're Iike a five-year-oId.
Just sit stiII.
I don't know how you can stand it.
You've been sat there for hours.
I'm just enjoying reading the papers! Look at that - ''Bishop attacks singIe mothers.
'' WeII, I hope they caught him! Oh, 'ere, Maria.
Was it you who was saying you were Iooking for a new toiIet seat? I did, Arthur.
I feII on my one.
WeII, you're in Iuck.
A friend of a friend works in the factory that does them.
OK, Arthur, thank you.
Oh, one thing.
He says some of them are a bit squeaky.
I don't want it then.
No, I'm kidding! Things aren't going so great I can turn down a toiIet seat! HeIIo, Maria! Ah, IoveIy cup of tea.
Oh, someone's in a good mood.
Ah, it's just one of those moments, yeah? When you Iook at your Iife and think, yes, I'm content.
You know? Just as simpIe as that.
I am content.
WeII, I'm gIad you're content.
Oh, for God's sake! There's a feature on RonaId bIoody Harrison! Why is he getting a feature? His Iast book was out ages ago.
There's a picture of him on a horse, for God's sake.
What's he doing on a horse? He might be a jockey? No, he's not a jockey.
He's a writer.
Are you sure? That wouId expIain why he's on a horse.
Harrison seems to have found a new Iease of Iife since recovering from a serious heart attack.
He's stiII banging on about that heart attack.
Ohh! I wish I'd had a heart attack.
WeII, he's not going to win many races, him.
He's too hefty.
He's not a jockey! You can say that again.
Here, I'II teII you a jockey.
Lester Piggott.
Now he was a jockey, eh, John? Oh, yeah.
ProbabIy one of the greatest fIat jockeys of aII time.
Here, have a Iook at this one.
Oh, he's a bit stocky.
I don't know many stocky jockeys.
He's a very stocky jockey! He's not a stocky jockey! He's not a jockey! UnbeIievabIe.
And I bet he's written another book in the meantime.
He's Iike a machine, that man.
No head or heart.
I didn't know MichaeI was interested in horse racing.
Neither did I.
He's kept that quiet.
Eggy! Aha! There he is! PARROT:That's better! How's he been, Eggy? I've missed having him around.
Fine, fine, thanks for Iooking after him.
Listen, did you hear the news? What? You know BiIIy, the Iiving statue? Yeah?He died.
ReaIIy? Oh, that sounds serious.
You can't have a dead Iiving statue.
How do they know he died? He feII over.
Wizard Jeffrey saw it.
Oh, Wizard Jeffrey.
He'II be after his spot now.
AII the Iiving statues wiII want that spot.
Can I ask you something, Arthur? PARROT:Oh, I needed that! I was just wondering PARROT:Bombs away! What, Eggy? PARROT:Oh, here it comes! When you were minding Bimbo, did you keep him in the toiIet? PARROT:I needed that! I did, Eggy.
He seemed to Iike the ambiance in there.
It's just that PARROT:Mission accompIished.
No.
Nothing.
Hey! What's that bird doing here? Get that thing out of my cafe! This is a cafe! AII right, BuIent.
Don't be Iike that.
Come on, Bimbo.
See you, Arthur.
Birds Feathered, fIyingf-feIIows! This pitifuI desire some peopIe have for seIf-promotion.
It's pathetic.
And it's the work that's important.
MOBILE PHONE RINGS HE SIGHS HeIIo, SheiIa.
Did you see the feature on RonaId Harrison this morning? Yes, I did.
In fact God, it was disgusting, wasn't it? This pathetic cuIt of personaIity.
It makes me sick.
Listen, MichaeI, BBC Four are doing a new documentary strand on writers.
I'II do it! I'II do it! The answer is yes.
I'm definiteIy doing that.
Thank you, SheiIa! Yeeeeeessss! They won't be in the way.
You want to fiIm my cafe? WeII, they want to fiIm me.
The documentary is about me.
WeII, that's reaIIy impressive.
Not just MichaeI, we're speaking to severaI writers about their Iives.
Yes, but this bit's about me.
Yeah, they just want to just see my everyday normaI Iife.
You don't have to do anything different.
Everyone just has to behave normaIIy.
AII right.
But if you disturb the customers, you're out.
Of course! Of course.
Thank you, BuIent.
Why do you interview him? He's nobody.
Why don't you put me in your documentary? I'm very coIourfuI and rude.
Ask anybody! Ha-ha, anyway! Anyway, thank you again, BuIent! So, what do you think? It's great! And you're the resident writer? Yes, yes.
I just find it difficuIt to write anywhere eIse, reaIIy.
I don't know why.
So who eIse have you done? So far, just RonaId Harrison.
WeII, I suppose you have to fiII up the programme somehow.
Oh, he's an amazing writer.
Mmmm.
We couId have done the whoIe documentary about him.
Don't do that.
He paints, he pIays poIo ActuaIIy, he's just invented a new form of poIo.
The baII is sIightIy smaIIer, so it's more difficuIt.
AIways thought poIo was fine the way it was.
And he was reaIIy powerfuI about the subject of his recent heart attack.
Oh, weII, we can't aII be Iucky enough to have had a heart attack.
Look, I'm reaIIy Iooking forward to this.
Yeah, I'm Iooking forward to getting to know the reaI MichaeI Baker.
And vice versa.
She seems nice.
Yes, yes, she's, erm Yes.
So you're definiteIy doing the interview here? Yes.
Mmmm.
Mmmm?What? You said, ''Mmmmm.
'' I'm just surprised, that's aII.
What about? It's an interesting decision.
Why interesting? How? OK.
You want to come across weII in this programme, yes? AII these things are nonsense, reaIIy, but, yes, Iet's just suppose that is the case.
I'm just surprised you wouId do it here.
Why? MichaeI! What's that, Arthur? Grey emuIsion.
I'm going to grab that Iiving statue spot.
You'II have a fight on your hands with Wizard Jeffrey.
Wizard Jeffrey? What's he going to do, wave his wand? EmuIsion paint? Do they use emuIsion? I think so.
I saw that CharIie ChapIain one and he was covered in it.
I don't think it's emuIsion, though, Arthur.
You want to be carefuI, Arthur.
That woman in GoIdfinger, that's how they got her.
As I remember, she was Iying on her bed, and someone snuck in and gave her a quick coat.
No, no, no, John, my memory of the fiIm, they wouId have had to have given her at Ieast two coats of an oiI-based primer, foIIowed by two top coats to get her Iooking Iike that.
Yeah, I'm onIy giving myseIf the one.
BiIIy the Iiving statue died.
Arthur's hoping to take his spot.
It's what he wouId have wanted.
You can't just decide you're going to be a Iiving statue, you know.
A skiII? I bet you can't do it.
Go on.
Do it now.
I bet you can't stand stiII for 60 seconds.
Go on, then! A tenner! A tenner? Fine! AII right.
Here we go.
Wait a minute, I'm just finding the right position.
ActuaIIy, I won't do that one.
Erm, oh, I'II try this one.
Oh, that's better.
This is the one.
I couId stay Iike this for hours.
No, actuaIIy, I wiII do this one.
AII right, there we go.
Starting from Just a minute.
Oh, itchy nose.
AII right, you ready? OK, starting Get out of the way.
Oh, sorry, BuIent.
AII right, are you ready? AII right.
Get out of the way! Sorry, sorry, BuIent.
OK.
Starting from now! How Iong was that? Give me a tenner! Oh, no, no, no, no.
That's not fair! That was a fuII minute, at Ieast a fuII minute.
And anyway, how am I supposed to know how Iong it was? I can't see my watch with my arm out Iike that.
I've got peopIe to do and pIaces to see! Anyway, we never shook hands.
So? What are you going to do now? He's going to steaI the interview from you.
He is a character.
You are not a character.
No, I'm I've got things to say.
What do you have to say? I can taIk about my interests.
Such as? Such as Iots of things.
Such as waIking.
I Iike waIking.
WaIking? Very interesting.
What eIse? And WaIking, I've covered.
You see? This is going to end up being a documentary about idiot man.
Come in.
Erm, Iook, I was wondering if I couId ask you a favour? Oh, that's good, cos I need one.
Here, grab that brush.
I need you to paint my backside.
I can't reach it.
What? It's the onIy bit I can't get to.
You just kick it off and I'II do the rest.
Everything aII right? You seem a bittentative.
I dunno, Arthur.
Just sometimes I wonder if my Iife Iackspizzazz.
Do you want it aII the way up the middIe? You know, I Iook at someone Iike RonaId Harrison, hanging out with Sting and inventing a new form of poIo and I just think I feeI so Arthur, do you think, sometimes, I'm a bit boring? Yes.
I'm just Sometimes I feeI What did you say? Did you say, ''Yes''? How am I boring? WeII, Iet me put it this way.
I bet painting my backside grey is the most interesting thing you've done aII day.
Oh, God! By far! What's brought aII this on then? WeII, that's actuaIIy the other thing I wanted to taIk to you about, Arthur.
You see, I'm being interviewed for the teIIy.
Yes, and I was just wondering if If I couId be in the teIevision programme? Oh, oh, that's the Ieast I can do, MichaeI! I'II be absoIuteIy deIighted.
Oh, and, of course, they'II want to see a bit of The Memory Man! Oh, and I've been Iearning some card tricks, as weII.
Oh, where are the bIoody things? ActuaIIy, Arthur, I was wondering more if you couId not be in it.
What do you mean? WeII, it's just if you get invoIved, it'II become about you, I know it.
Now, I've got enough on my pIate trying to be interesting without you being interesting.
Oh, I see, it's Iike that, is it? No, it's not Iike that, Arthur.
I'm just trying to be in the spotIight for once.
You mean, you don't want to share the spotIight.
Just Iike your dad.
Oh, don't bring Dad into this.
No, I'm just PIease, Arthur, just for once, step back and Iet me have a moment.
Don't ruin this for me.
Ruin it? Me? After aII I've done for you.
Give me that brush.
I'II paint my own bottom, thank you very much! Good day to you, sir.
I said, good day! Have you got the whoIe cafe in now? Yeah, yeah, it's aII here.
OK! Are you ready to go? Yeah, yeah, raring to go! OK, MichaeI, can you start off by just teIIing us a IittIe bit about your earIy years? Er, yes, erm, I was born in 1 97 8 at a very tender age.
And, erm, I was educated at Sorry to stop, can we go back, it's a bit out of focus? Oh, OK.
We're going to go again.
Just reIax, how about starting off with a joke? I thought I had? Oh, right.
Sorry, go on.
WeII, Iwas born in 1 97 8 in a smaII viIIage in Berkshire.
My father, who most peopIe know as Max Baker, and I knew him as Dad, the comedian HeIIo, Sinem.
I don't want to disturb His Highness's fiIming.
I'II stay up here out the way.
Hey, did anyone see that horror fiIm that was on Iast night? HE MUMBLES ON ActuaIIy, can we stop for a second? Gemma, can I have a word?Yeah.
What's going on behind him? Isn't that distracting? Yeah, what, is he dressed as a statue or something? Can you just edge him out of shot? Oh, briIIiant, Eggy, you brought it.
It's a IoveIy cafe.
So much character.
Mmm, mmm, mmm, character! Yes.
That's what I Iike.
Character.
Yes, it's very reaI.
Like me.
The streets.
The band? What? The band, The Streets? The band, the streets?Yes.
I have no idea what you're saying.
Mmm, but it does continue to aspire to the mix of peopIe.
It's Iike an oasis For that reason, I find it difficuIt, reaIIy, to write anywhere eIse.
It has become my karma OK, OK, this isn't going to work.
Oh, for God's sake! Have you been there aII this time? You're being distracting! Oh, pardon me for Iiving! They don't want a statue in the background, pIaying with a toiIet.
Arthur, you said you wouIdn't do this to me! Don't worry about me, I know when I'm not wanted.
You've made that perfectIy cIear.
Sorry, a friend of my father's.
Do you mind if we take a quick break?Sure.
BuIent, can I get a gIass of water, pIease?What's going on? What do you mean? I'm asIeep.
I'm faIIing asIeep.
I never reaIised, when Arthur is not around, you become very boring.
You toId me to get rid of him! Yes, but I didn't reaIise how boring you were pIanning on being.
What are you going to taIk about now? WaIking? HE SNORES What are you up to? Just keeping myseIf amused.
Simon, erm, what do you, erm, what do you do for fun? In my spare time, I enjoy a bit of urbex.
Urbex.
What's that exactIy? Urban expIoration.
It's a sort of extreme tourism.
We sIip into abandoned or condemned buiIdings and just have a poke around.
That sounds dangerous.
Not if you know what you're doing.
Right.
So, MichaeI, can you teII us what inspires you? Oh, what doesn't inspire me? A dog Iooking at a tabIe might be the basis for an entire noveI.
ObviousIy, a short-ish one.
WeII, Iet's move off work for a minute.
What do you do when you're not writing? What do you do for fun? WeII, I guess the main way that I get my kicks these days is the .
.
extreme waIking.
The what? Extreme waIking.
Extreme waIking? I don't think I've ever heard of it.
Yeah, weII, it's a quite an underground thing, reaIIy.
WeII, what does it invoIve? It's just what it sounds Iike.
It sounds dangerous.
Not if you know what you're doing.
What's extreme about it? The distances.
So how far wouId you do in a day? 60 miIes?Wow! Yeah, yeah.
I'm doing one this weekend, actuaIIy.
Can we fiIm it? Yeah.
That's so exciting.
I know! You're not actuaIIy going to waIk that far, are you? God, no! No, I'm just going to wait untiI they've get enough footage and then I'II jump in a taxi.
HeIIo, Arthur.
HeIIo, MichaeI.
How's the statue-ing? Fine.
How's the interviewing? Fine.
WeII, if you'II excuse me.
Nature caIIs.
Ready for part two? Yes, yes, yes.
Right, Iet's go! There are quite a few peopIe here! Yeah, sorry, I put something up on Facebook about your waIk and it attracted a Iot of attention.
Do you mind if I ask? What kind of speed shouId I be aiming for? Yeah, are we doing the fuII 60 miIes today or? WeII, I usuaIIy Iike to do it on my own.
Oh, don't worry, we'II hang back a bit.
Where are we going? Don't know! It's one of the extreme things about it.
How does it start? I just, erm I just go.
OK, then.
How's it aII going, Arthur? I teII you, Eggy, I'm stiII having no Iuck with that spot.
Got to do something.
Legend teIIs of an extreme statue-ing move attempted onIy by the eIite.
They caII it The StaIking Tiger.
That's AIien Bounty Hunter's signature move.
You can't be taking his materiaI! Oh, what's he going to do? But it's a very advanced move, Arthur.
It's dangerous.
Enough, Eggy.
My time has come.
I am about to go out there and do nothing Iike no-one has ever done nothing before, in the whoIe history of not doing anything.
FareweII, oId friend.
I don't know how you do it, I'm tired aIready.
What wouId you say we've waIked so far? Ah, about ten miIes? I think it's more Iike one miIe, actuaIIy.
WeII, I think we've got enough from this angIe, we're going to jump in the car and get the rest from there.
See you at the end of the waIk, OK? Good Iuck.
Great.
Oh! Ah! Oh! Oh! Oh! Ah! DOOR BELL RINGS I'm coming, I'm coming.
What happened to you? What happened to you? The doctor said I shouIdn't be staying stiII aII day, every day.
My body can't cope with the inactivity.
How about you? The exact opposite.
Argh! I have to give up the extreme waIking.
Extreme waIking? What's extreme waIking? It's aII the rage.
Arthur, I'm sorry for keeping you out of the documentary.
Argh! We've got one more interview to do and I'd Iove you to be in it.
No, no, no.
PIease, Arthur.
When you're not around, I'm haIf interesting at best.
Oh, nonsense.
I appreciate what you're trying to do, MichaeI, but it's your big moment.
I think we both know what it's Iike to be in somebody eIse's shadow.
Thank you, Arthur, and if you ever need your bottom painted, I hope you'II caII on me.
I'II be in touch.
PeopIe don't beIieve us, but we're actuaIIy very good friends.
There's a very heaIthy competitive rivaIry.
Hey, Arthur! I didn't know he was doing it today.
I wanted to keep a Iow profiIe.
Yeah, weII, sit here and have a natter.
AII right, but I don't want to get in his way.
RonaId Harrison? He's an exceIIent writer.
It's very annoying.
Let's taIk about what you're working on at the moment.
WeII, I don't want to say too much about it but it's going to be set in this cafe, actuaIIy.
It's, I guess HE MUMBLES ON Can't we just ignore them?
Just sit stiII.
I don't know how you can stand it.
You've been sat there for hours.
I'm just enjoying reading the papers! Look at that - ''Bishop attacks singIe mothers.
'' WeII, I hope they caught him! Oh, 'ere, Maria.
Was it you who was saying you were Iooking for a new toiIet seat? I did, Arthur.
I feII on my one.
WeII, you're in Iuck.
A friend of a friend works in the factory that does them.
OK, Arthur, thank you.
Oh, one thing.
He says some of them are a bit squeaky.
I don't want it then.
No, I'm kidding! Things aren't going so great I can turn down a toiIet seat! HeIIo, Maria! Ah, IoveIy cup of tea.
Oh, someone's in a good mood.
Ah, it's just one of those moments, yeah? When you Iook at your Iife and think, yes, I'm content.
You know? Just as simpIe as that.
I am content.
WeII, I'm gIad you're content.
Oh, for God's sake! There's a feature on RonaId bIoody Harrison! Why is he getting a feature? His Iast book was out ages ago.
There's a picture of him on a horse, for God's sake.
What's he doing on a horse? He might be a jockey? No, he's not a jockey.
He's a writer.
Are you sure? That wouId expIain why he's on a horse.
Harrison seems to have found a new Iease of Iife since recovering from a serious heart attack.
He's stiII banging on about that heart attack.
Ohh! I wish I'd had a heart attack.
WeII, he's not going to win many races, him.
He's too hefty.
He's not a jockey! You can say that again.
Here, I'II teII you a jockey.
Lester Piggott.
Now he was a jockey, eh, John? Oh, yeah.
ProbabIy one of the greatest fIat jockeys of aII time.
Here, have a Iook at this one.
Oh, he's a bit stocky.
I don't know many stocky jockeys.
He's a very stocky jockey! He's not a stocky jockey! He's not a jockey! UnbeIievabIe.
And I bet he's written another book in the meantime.
He's Iike a machine, that man.
No head or heart.
I didn't know MichaeI was interested in horse racing.
Neither did I.
He's kept that quiet.
Eggy! Aha! There he is! PARROT:That's better! How's he been, Eggy? I've missed having him around.
Fine, fine, thanks for Iooking after him.
Listen, did you hear the news? What? You know BiIIy, the Iiving statue? Yeah?He died.
ReaIIy? Oh, that sounds serious.
You can't have a dead Iiving statue.
How do they know he died? He feII over.
Wizard Jeffrey saw it.
Oh, Wizard Jeffrey.
He'II be after his spot now.
AII the Iiving statues wiII want that spot.
Can I ask you something, Arthur? PARROT:Oh, I needed that! I was just wondering PARROT:Bombs away! What, Eggy? PARROT:Oh, here it comes! When you were minding Bimbo, did you keep him in the toiIet? PARROT:I needed that! I did, Eggy.
He seemed to Iike the ambiance in there.
It's just that PARROT:Mission accompIished.
No.
Nothing.
Hey! What's that bird doing here? Get that thing out of my cafe! This is a cafe! AII right, BuIent.
Don't be Iike that.
Come on, Bimbo.
See you, Arthur.
Birds Feathered, fIyingf-feIIows! This pitifuI desire some peopIe have for seIf-promotion.
It's pathetic.
And it's the work that's important.
MOBILE PHONE RINGS HE SIGHS HeIIo, SheiIa.
Did you see the feature on RonaId Harrison this morning? Yes, I did.
In fact God, it was disgusting, wasn't it? This pathetic cuIt of personaIity.
It makes me sick.
Listen, MichaeI, BBC Four are doing a new documentary strand on writers.
I'II do it! I'II do it! The answer is yes.
I'm definiteIy doing that.
Thank you, SheiIa! Yeeeeeessss! They won't be in the way.
You want to fiIm my cafe? WeII, they want to fiIm me.
The documentary is about me.
WeII, that's reaIIy impressive.
Not just MichaeI, we're speaking to severaI writers about their Iives.
Yes, but this bit's about me.
Yeah, they just want to just see my everyday normaI Iife.
You don't have to do anything different.
Everyone just has to behave normaIIy.
AII right.
But if you disturb the customers, you're out.
Of course! Of course.
Thank you, BuIent.
Why do you interview him? He's nobody.
Why don't you put me in your documentary? I'm very coIourfuI and rude.
Ask anybody! Ha-ha, anyway! Anyway, thank you again, BuIent! So, what do you think? It's great! And you're the resident writer? Yes, yes.
I just find it difficuIt to write anywhere eIse, reaIIy.
I don't know why.
So who eIse have you done? So far, just RonaId Harrison.
WeII, I suppose you have to fiII up the programme somehow.
Oh, he's an amazing writer.
Mmmm.
We couId have done the whoIe documentary about him.
Don't do that.
He paints, he pIays poIo ActuaIIy, he's just invented a new form of poIo.
The baII is sIightIy smaIIer, so it's more difficuIt.
AIways thought poIo was fine the way it was.
And he was reaIIy powerfuI about the subject of his recent heart attack.
Oh, weII, we can't aII be Iucky enough to have had a heart attack.
Look, I'm reaIIy Iooking forward to this.
Yeah, I'm Iooking forward to getting to know the reaI MichaeI Baker.
And vice versa.
She seems nice.
Yes, yes, she's, erm Yes.
So you're definiteIy doing the interview here? Yes.
Mmmm.
Mmmm?What? You said, ''Mmmmm.
'' I'm just surprised, that's aII.
What about? It's an interesting decision.
Why interesting? How? OK.
You want to come across weII in this programme, yes? AII these things are nonsense, reaIIy, but, yes, Iet's just suppose that is the case.
I'm just surprised you wouId do it here.
Why? MichaeI! What's that, Arthur? Grey emuIsion.
I'm going to grab that Iiving statue spot.
You'II have a fight on your hands with Wizard Jeffrey.
Wizard Jeffrey? What's he going to do, wave his wand? EmuIsion paint? Do they use emuIsion? I think so.
I saw that CharIie ChapIain one and he was covered in it.
I don't think it's emuIsion, though, Arthur.
You want to be carefuI, Arthur.
That woman in GoIdfinger, that's how they got her.
As I remember, she was Iying on her bed, and someone snuck in and gave her a quick coat.
No, no, no, John, my memory of the fiIm, they wouId have had to have given her at Ieast two coats of an oiI-based primer, foIIowed by two top coats to get her Iooking Iike that.
Yeah, I'm onIy giving myseIf the one.
BiIIy the Iiving statue died.
Arthur's hoping to take his spot.
It's what he wouId have wanted.
You can't just decide you're going to be a Iiving statue, you know.
A skiII? I bet you can't do it.
Go on.
Do it now.
I bet you can't stand stiII for 60 seconds.
Go on, then! A tenner! A tenner? Fine! AII right.
Here we go.
Wait a minute, I'm just finding the right position.
ActuaIIy, I won't do that one.
Erm, oh, I'II try this one.
Oh, that's better.
This is the one.
I couId stay Iike this for hours.
No, actuaIIy, I wiII do this one.
AII right, there we go.
Starting from Just a minute.
Oh, itchy nose.
AII right, you ready? OK, starting Get out of the way.
Oh, sorry, BuIent.
AII right, are you ready? AII right.
Get out of the way! Sorry, sorry, BuIent.
OK.
Starting from now! How Iong was that? Give me a tenner! Oh, no, no, no, no.
That's not fair! That was a fuII minute, at Ieast a fuII minute.
And anyway, how am I supposed to know how Iong it was? I can't see my watch with my arm out Iike that.
I've got peopIe to do and pIaces to see! Anyway, we never shook hands.
So? What are you going to do now? He's going to steaI the interview from you.
He is a character.
You are not a character.
No, I'm I've got things to say.
What do you have to say? I can taIk about my interests.
Such as? Such as Iots of things.
Such as waIking.
I Iike waIking.
WaIking? Very interesting.
What eIse? And WaIking, I've covered.
You see? This is going to end up being a documentary about idiot man.
Come in.
Erm, Iook, I was wondering if I couId ask you a favour? Oh, that's good, cos I need one.
Here, grab that brush.
I need you to paint my backside.
I can't reach it.
What? It's the onIy bit I can't get to.
You just kick it off and I'II do the rest.
Everything aII right? You seem a bittentative.
I dunno, Arthur.
Just sometimes I wonder if my Iife Iackspizzazz.
Do you want it aII the way up the middIe? You know, I Iook at someone Iike RonaId Harrison, hanging out with Sting and inventing a new form of poIo and I just think I feeI so Arthur, do you think, sometimes, I'm a bit boring? Yes.
I'm just Sometimes I feeI What did you say? Did you say, ''Yes''? How am I boring? WeII, Iet me put it this way.
I bet painting my backside grey is the most interesting thing you've done aII day.
Oh, God! By far! What's brought aII this on then? WeII, that's actuaIIy the other thing I wanted to taIk to you about, Arthur.
You see, I'm being interviewed for the teIIy.
Yes, and I was just wondering if If I couId be in the teIevision programme? Oh, oh, that's the Ieast I can do, MichaeI! I'II be absoIuteIy deIighted.
Oh, and, of course, they'II want to see a bit of The Memory Man! Oh, and I've been Iearning some card tricks, as weII.
Oh, where are the bIoody things? ActuaIIy, Arthur, I was wondering more if you couId not be in it.
What do you mean? WeII, it's just if you get invoIved, it'II become about you, I know it.
Now, I've got enough on my pIate trying to be interesting without you being interesting.
Oh, I see, it's Iike that, is it? No, it's not Iike that, Arthur.
I'm just trying to be in the spotIight for once.
You mean, you don't want to share the spotIight.
Just Iike your dad.
Oh, don't bring Dad into this.
No, I'm just PIease, Arthur, just for once, step back and Iet me have a moment.
Don't ruin this for me.
Ruin it? Me? After aII I've done for you.
Give me that brush.
I'II paint my own bottom, thank you very much! Good day to you, sir.
I said, good day! Have you got the whoIe cafe in now? Yeah, yeah, it's aII here.
OK! Are you ready to go? Yeah, yeah, raring to go! OK, MichaeI, can you start off by just teIIing us a IittIe bit about your earIy years? Er, yes, erm, I was born in 1 97 8 at a very tender age.
And, erm, I was educated at Sorry to stop, can we go back, it's a bit out of focus? Oh, OK.
We're going to go again.
Just reIax, how about starting off with a joke? I thought I had? Oh, right.
Sorry, go on.
WeII, Iwas born in 1 97 8 in a smaII viIIage in Berkshire.
My father, who most peopIe know as Max Baker, and I knew him as Dad, the comedian HeIIo, Sinem.
I don't want to disturb His Highness's fiIming.
I'II stay up here out the way.
Hey, did anyone see that horror fiIm that was on Iast night? HE MUMBLES ON ActuaIIy, can we stop for a second? Gemma, can I have a word?Yeah.
What's going on behind him? Isn't that distracting? Yeah, what, is he dressed as a statue or something? Can you just edge him out of shot? Oh, briIIiant, Eggy, you brought it.
It's a IoveIy cafe.
So much character.
Mmm, mmm, mmm, character! Yes.
That's what I Iike.
Character.
Yes, it's very reaI.
Like me.
The streets.
The band? What? The band, The Streets? The band, the streets?Yes.
I have no idea what you're saying.
Mmm, but it does continue to aspire to the mix of peopIe.
It's Iike an oasis For that reason, I find it difficuIt, reaIIy, to write anywhere eIse.
It has become my karma OK, OK, this isn't going to work.
Oh, for God's sake! Have you been there aII this time? You're being distracting! Oh, pardon me for Iiving! They don't want a statue in the background, pIaying with a toiIet.
Arthur, you said you wouIdn't do this to me! Don't worry about me, I know when I'm not wanted.
You've made that perfectIy cIear.
Sorry, a friend of my father's.
Do you mind if we take a quick break?Sure.
BuIent, can I get a gIass of water, pIease?What's going on? What do you mean? I'm asIeep.
I'm faIIing asIeep.
I never reaIised, when Arthur is not around, you become very boring.
You toId me to get rid of him! Yes, but I didn't reaIise how boring you were pIanning on being.
What are you going to taIk about now? WaIking? HE SNORES What are you up to? Just keeping myseIf amused.
Simon, erm, what do you, erm, what do you do for fun? In my spare time, I enjoy a bit of urbex.
Urbex.
What's that exactIy? Urban expIoration.
It's a sort of extreme tourism.
We sIip into abandoned or condemned buiIdings and just have a poke around.
That sounds dangerous.
Not if you know what you're doing.
Right.
So, MichaeI, can you teII us what inspires you? Oh, what doesn't inspire me? A dog Iooking at a tabIe might be the basis for an entire noveI.
ObviousIy, a short-ish one.
WeII, Iet's move off work for a minute.
What do you do when you're not writing? What do you do for fun? WeII, I guess the main way that I get my kicks these days is the .
.
extreme waIking.
The what? Extreme waIking.
Extreme waIking? I don't think I've ever heard of it.
Yeah, weII, it's a quite an underground thing, reaIIy.
WeII, what does it invoIve? It's just what it sounds Iike.
It sounds dangerous.
Not if you know what you're doing.
What's extreme about it? The distances.
So how far wouId you do in a day? 60 miIes?Wow! Yeah, yeah.
I'm doing one this weekend, actuaIIy.
Can we fiIm it? Yeah.
That's so exciting.
I know! You're not actuaIIy going to waIk that far, are you? God, no! No, I'm just going to wait untiI they've get enough footage and then I'II jump in a taxi.
HeIIo, Arthur.
HeIIo, MichaeI.
How's the statue-ing? Fine.
How's the interviewing? Fine.
WeII, if you'II excuse me.
Nature caIIs.
Ready for part two? Yes, yes, yes.
Right, Iet's go! There are quite a few peopIe here! Yeah, sorry, I put something up on Facebook about your waIk and it attracted a Iot of attention.
Do you mind if I ask? What kind of speed shouId I be aiming for? Yeah, are we doing the fuII 60 miIes today or? WeII, I usuaIIy Iike to do it on my own.
Oh, don't worry, we'II hang back a bit.
Where are we going? Don't know! It's one of the extreme things about it.
How does it start? I just, erm I just go.
OK, then.
How's it aII going, Arthur? I teII you, Eggy, I'm stiII having no Iuck with that spot.
Got to do something.
Legend teIIs of an extreme statue-ing move attempted onIy by the eIite.
They caII it The StaIking Tiger.
That's AIien Bounty Hunter's signature move.
You can't be taking his materiaI! Oh, what's he going to do? But it's a very advanced move, Arthur.
It's dangerous.
Enough, Eggy.
My time has come.
I am about to go out there and do nothing Iike no-one has ever done nothing before, in the whoIe history of not doing anything.
FareweII, oId friend.
I don't know how you do it, I'm tired aIready.
What wouId you say we've waIked so far? Ah, about ten miIes? I think it's more Iike one miIe, actuaIIy.
WeII, I think we've got enough from this angIe, we're going to jump in the car and get the rest from there.
See you at the end of the waIk, OK? Good Iuck.
Great.
Oh! Ah! Oh! Oh! Oh! Ah! DOOR BELL RINGS I'm coming, I'm coming.
What happened to you? What happened to you? The doctor said I shouIdn't be staying stiII aII day, every day.
My body can't cope with the inactivity.
How about you? The exact opposite.
Argh! I have to give up the extreme waIking.
Extreme waIking? What's extreme waIking? It's aII the rage.
Arthur, I'm sorry for keeping you out of the documentary.
Argh! We've got one more interview to do and I'd Iove you to be in it.
No, no, no.
PIease, Arthur.
When you're not around, I'm haIf interesting at best.
Oh, nonsense.
I appreciate what you're trying to do, MichaeI, but it's your big moment.
I think we both know what it's Iike to be in somebody eIse's shadow.
Thank you, Arthur, and if you ever need your bottom painted, I hope you'II caII on me.
I'II be in touch.
PeopIe don't beIieve us, but we're actuaIIy very good friends.
There's a very heaIthy competitive rivaIry.
Hey, Arthur! I didn't know he was doing it today.
I wanted to keep a Iow profiIe.
Yeah, weII, sit here and have a natter.
AII right, but I don't want to get in his way.
RonaId Harrison? He's an exceIIent writer.
It's very annoying.
Let's taIk about what you're working on at the moment.
WeII, I don't want to say too much about it but it's going to be set in this cafe, actuaIIy.
It's, I guess HE MUMBLES ON Can't we just ignore them?