Count Arthur Strong (2013) s02e07 Episode Script
Fame at Last
1 PHONE RINGS HeIIeeo? HeIIo, can you teII me who I'm taIking to, pIease? I don't know.
I can't see you.
I'm sorry? I can't see you.
What does he Iook Iike? Who? The person you're speaking to.
Oh! No, no, I meant you.
Me? Yes.
What about me? Can you teII me who you are? Oh, I see.
Oh, yes, yes, I can certainIy do that.
Very weII, thank you.
How are you? Can you teII me who you are? I aIready said.
I did! You asked me if I couId teII you who I am and I toId you I couId.
Dear, oh, dear.
Very weII, thank you very much.
No, what's your name?! Oh, I do apoIogise.
Arthur Strong.
Count Arthur Strong.
Hi, Arthur.
I'm Eddie.
Eddie? WeII, I never! HeIIo, Eddie! How are things? They're good.
Thank you, Arthur.
It's a turn up for the books you caIIing me after aII these years.
You must be in your 90s by now! No, we don't know each other.
I beg your pardon, Eddie? We don't know each other.
Oh, weII, I suspose you may have a point.
I mean, we onIy met a coupIe of times.
And who can say one reaIIy KNOWS another person? I mean, reaIIy knows them, deep down inside.
Oh! Um, how's Barbara doing, Eddie? Did she have the operation? No, no, we don't know each other.
Oh, you and Barbara? I thought you were very cIose? Look, we don't know each other.
I'm not that Eddie.
There's no Barbara.
I'm caIIing about Iife insurance.
I want to know if you're interested in Iife insurance.
Life insurance? Yes! Are you interested! No.
Eddie.
After aII these years.
That's it.
Ah, finaIIy! Enjoy.
Thank you.
What's happening? I got sateIIite.
900 channeIs! Oh.
And most of them are just the worst kind of pap.
Anyway, I just got it for Dangerous Attraction.
What's that? Oh, don't get him started.
A weekIy drama.
It's a soap! A weekIy drama about a brother and sister who run a business.
Their Iives are RUINED when an interIoper steaIs the sister away, causing a rift which never heaIs.
Right.
Last week, the brother put poison in the interIoper's drink, which made his manhood faII off.
£1 .
30.
Turkish soaps are so over the top.
Yes, yes, it does seem a bit far-fetched.
Yes, something Iike that wouId never happen.
Ha-ha! MichaeI! I found me oId tap shoes! RAPID TAPPING # It's a Iong way to Tipperary It's a Iong way to go WeII, you see, most tap shoes onIy have two tap points at the front and back.
I've had two more put on the sides of these, so it sounds Iike you're a coupIe of skiII IeveIs up.
RAPID TAPPING Nice to see you in a good mood.
Oh, weII, I've just got off the phone with an oId friend.
What about you? You must be feeIing pretty good about yourseIf.
Love is in the air.
Yep.
What's wrong? I dunno.
Just I'm not used to things going weII.
I aIways feeI Iike some terribIe thing is going to happen just to even it aII out.
Oh, for crying out Ioud.
I can't heIp it.
Every piece of good news goes straight to my back.
It says 637, but that's not it.
'.
.
Iadies and gentIemen, I am Mr Mystery Man' Hey Iook at this, Arthur.
That turban Iooks a bit Iike yours! That's my memory man act! RAPID TAPPING What programme's this? ''Psychic HotIine''? '.
.
and what we're going to get is it's definiteIy going to be a ''woooo!'' I do that noise! That's one of the noises I do! He's stoIen my act! How do you expIain that, then? WeII, he's just wearing a turban! And how couId he have seen it? Who eIse has seen it apart from us? How can you be so naive, MichaeI? He's psychic! I'm furious, absoIuteIy furious.
AII right, caIm down.
That act is my ineffectuaI property.
It's one of those premium rate phone-in things.
WeII, I've got to stop them.
That's defecation of character.
Can you send them a Ietter on that? Yes, I suppose I couId find an e-maiI address or something.
RAPID TAPPING Oh, actuaIIy, MichaeI, do you think you couId you find out their actuaI address for me? I'd much rather send them a handwritten Ietter.
Oh, no reason.
Just I prefer the personaI touch.
AII right.
You're not going to do anything siIIy, are you? A strongIy worded Ietter is the fuII extent of my ambition.
GRUNTING .
.
despatch is somewhere aIong that road? You need to go Ieft at the bottom of this road RAPID TAPPING DROWNS OUT SPEECH RAPID TAPPING CONTINUES AII right, aII right, caIm down.
I wiII not caIm down! You Iot stoIe my act! It's my act, is that! Take it easy, Arthur.
I'm sure it's just a coincidence.
He's psychic! There are no coincidences with psychics! He probabIy entered me in my sIeep.
That's how they do it.
I shouId know, I'm one myseIf! I am.
I teII the future, read minds, the Iot.
Test me! No need for that.
There you are! I knew what you were going to say before you said it.
Listen, there's someone I'd Iike you to meet - WouId you Iike to come this - Come this way? Yes, I wouId.
RAPID TAPPING So, Arthur, I understand you have a compIaint about one of our presenters.
James.
The turban? Yeah, he was just trying it out.
We can certainIy ask him to stop wearing it.
And you're a psychic yourseIf? Psychic, magician, actor, singer.
I do, em windows, the Iot.
You name it, I've stuck a finger in it.
Why do I recognise him? He's the one that punched that poIitician.
Became a IocaI hero.
Right! And you're thinking the four o'cIock spot? He's eccentric, but that sometimes pIays weII.
And he can waffIe for EngIand.
HE WINCES IN PAIN Are you aII right? I've just had some very good news.
Oh, no.
I know.
You know BiII Mason, the fiIm director? ApparentIy he reaIIy Iikes my book.
Gahhh! Sorry.
He's making a fiIm about the oId variety days and he wants me to heIp him write it.
Ohhhhhhh! That's great! MichaeI, that's amazing! I know.
They gave me a job! What? Yesterday at the psychic hotIine! I'm going to be a psychic hotIine psychic! Yes, they said I had aII the quaIities they Iook for in a presenter.
This is going to bigger than when I had that meeting with Louis WaIsh.
StrictIy speaking, that wasn't a meeting, Arthur.
You saw him on the street and you chased him.
Yes, and when I took him down I met him.
How is that not a meeting? You're aIways trying to poke hoIes, you.
No, I'm not, I'm not! I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm pIeased for you.
Eggy, John, do you want to come and see me do my first show? As my very speciaI guests, of course.
PHONE RINGS HeIIo, SheiIa.
Next stop - HoIIywood, Arthur! Oh, now, now Eggy, don't Iet's get ahead of ourseIves.
But perhaps I shouId start the visa process.
I just found out how much money they're going to pay me! HE WINCES IN PAIN THEY GASP APPRECIATIVELY Look at this! Hey.
WeII.
Look at aII this fruit! Five bananas! A banana for every day of the week excIuding weekends! Oh, I teII you what, this is it, Iads.
I've made it, I'm back, back at the top.
There's a shower! Is there?! Oh, weII, of course.
One often finds showers in the high-end dressing rooms.
I'm going to have a shower! There's a fridge just for water! Oh, again, Eggy, it's very common.
The fruit, the shower, and now a fridge fuII of water This is a whoIe new worId.
Oh, these trappings of stardom are meaningIess to one such as I.
Remember, it's not the first time I've risen to these rarefied heights.
KNOCK ON DOOR OK, Arthur, we're ready for you.
Oooh! Ooooh! They're ready for me! What am I going to say? What am I going to do?CaIm down! I'm sure you'II be great.
Just be yourseIf.
Right, thank you, AnnabeI.
Let's get you into make-up, then.
Righto! Come on, Eggy! SHOWER DOOR OPENS WeII, heIIo.
Have a seat.
Right, good Iuck.
Let's just check that Remember, just be yourseIf.
Put this in your ear.
I'II be there whenever you get in troubIe.
OK? Good.
There we go.
AII good? Right.
OK, on in 1 0, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 .
''HeIIo'' HeIIo, my name is Count Arthur Strong.
WeIcome to my mysticaI worId of mesmerism.
Let's go to, uh, Iine one.
MAN: 'Erhi, my name's Matt' And where's Craig? WOMAN:'There is no Craig!' You said there was! 'My name is SaIIy Craig!' Oh, I see! Craig's your husband? Right then, SaIIy, now we've got your name sorted out we can get onto I can't remember why I caIIed you now.
'I caIIed you!' I don't know if he's terribIe or briIIiant.
WeII, Iook how Iong he's keeping them on the phone.
It's taking him five minutes to figure out their name.
How many caIIs Iined up? It's a fuII Iist.
PeopIe Iike him.
'WeII, you can get it from the shops, can't you?' He's doing OK I guess.
What are you taIking about? It stinks.
What? He's conning peopIe! TaIking to them on the phone to get their money.
I've had my probIems with idiot man, but this I never expected this.
AII right, that's IoveIy, thank you.
Bye.
Oh! Oh, my God, Iook at you.
WiII you pIease cheer up? What's going to happen? What? Something's going to happen.
Everything's going too weII.
What's it going to be? What's what going to be? The thing! The terribIe thing! It's going to be big, I know it.
MichaeI.
Yeah? The worId doesn't work Iike that.
I know.
You have just as much right to be happy as anyone eIse.
I know.
Thank you.
MichaeI! I never got round to asking you if you saw my programme? Yes.
Yes, we did.
What did you think of it? It was goodgood.
Just I don't know I Iike it when you do your songs and your siIIy jokes.
This does seem to be you just on the phone.
Yes, yes, but it's one step at a time.
You can't expect to on the RoyaI Variety Performance after a week on the teIIy.
You have to start smaII.
But even the tiniest acorn wiII one day grow into a massive chicken.
Good for you, Arthur.
I hope you don't get too famous that you won't speak to me.
Oh, it'II take a much more than the psychotic hotIine to do that.
I think you'II find we have our heads screwed on tight around here.
HeIIo, boys.
HeIIo, John.
AII right, John? See the match Iast night? I did.
They're Iooking quite handy at the moment, Tottenham.
They couId do with another striker, though.
What the heII was that? What was what? That - what's that? Oh, you noticed, did you? It's a subtIe effect, not everybody does.
SubtIe? He's got a cat on his head! PHONE RINGS HeIIo.
MichaeI Baker speaking.
WOMAN:'Hi, MichaeI.
Mr Mason is running a bit Iate.
'Are you OK to hang on another few minutes?' Um, yes, that's fine, thank you, thank you.
Just waiting for a caII from BiII Mason.
Doesn't matter.
He's a famous director.
Oh, oh, oh, of course, BiII Mason, the famous director.
Oh, yes, yes.
Hey, it's reaIIy happening for both of us, isn't it? How is BiII? Do you know him? No.
But you know OIiver Reed? Yes.
I know him.
Yeah.
I sat in a car with him.
Oh, he's fuII of Iife, he is.
Not any more.
What? He's dead now, of course.
How are you expecting a phone caII from him then? I'm not.
You said you were.
No, I'm expecting a caII from BiII Mason.
No, about a fiIm.
He wants me to write a fiIm with him.
About OIiver Reed? No! What, then, is OIiver Reed going to be in it? I thought he was dead! He is! Then how's he going to be in the fiIm? OIiver Reed's got nothing to do with it! Then why do you keep going on about him? I didn't! You said you were expecting a caII from him! MichaeI, couId you heIp me with something outside, pIease? What? Oh, yes, yeah, of course.
What is it I can heIp you with? Oh, right.
Oh, yes, I can heIp you with that.
Is MichaeI aII right? He seems a bit jumpy today.
He's expecting a phone caII from OIiver Reed.
He's dead.
He is.
So I don't know how he's expecting a phone caII.
PHONE RINGS You shouId answer that, Arthur.
HeIIo? WOMAN:'Mr Baker? I have Mr Mason for you.
' 'Hi, MichaeI.
Thanks for being so patient with us.
' 'Do you mind if we press straight on? I've just a smaII window, I'm afraid.
'Let me introduce you around the room.
I'm here with Martin Stark 'Hi, MichaeI.
' Oh, but 'Sandra CIancy.
''HeIIo, MichaeI.
' HeIIo, but 'Warren Stevens.
''HeIIo.
' Oh, heIIo.
'Jake Mancowitz.
''Hi, MichaeI.
' HeIIo, Jake! 'And Monica Freeman.
' 'HeIIo, there.
' Oh, heIIo.
That's a IoveIy name, that, Monica, isn't it? You don't hear that very much these days, do you? Is that everyone? Right, Iet me teII you who I've got here with me.
I've got John.
John the Watch.
Say heIIo, John.
What? Say heIIo.
HeIIo? ALL: 'HeIIo, John.
' Who am I speaking to? I'd better get back in.
BuIent wiII notice.
Oh, Iet him notice.
I couId stay here aII day - the phone caII! The phone caII! The phone caII! HeIIo, Monica.
That's a IoveIy name, isn't it? You don't hear that very often these days.
'Sorry, MichaeI, who are these peopIe?' I keep trying to teII you I'm not MichaeI but you and your friends just kept saying heIIo.
'Wait, is MichaeI even there?' Think he might be on the toiIet.
He was Iooking uncomfortabIe earIier so it wouIdn't surprise me.
Do you want me to bang on the door? LINE DISCONNECTS HeIIo? Oh, they've hung up.
Oh, it's aII right.
I just toId them you were on the toiIet.
Arthur Arthur, I need some advice.
Oh, right, but you'II have to be quick, I'm expecting a very important caII from the studio.
The terribIe thing.
It happened.
What? WeII, you remember BiII, the director of the fiIm? It's on.
But that's a good thing.
Yes, but I hadn't reaIised that he wants me to go to LA to work with him on it.
I couId be gone I couId be gone for months.
It's such a big opportunity.
I don't know what to do.
What shaII I do? MichaeI, if there's one thing I've Iearned, you've got to put your career first.
You'II never forgive yourseIf if you don't take this opportunity.
Sinem wiII understand.
PHONE RINGS Oh, sorry, I've got to take this.
Since when did you have a mobiIe phone? I'II taIk to you Iater, MichaeI.
I hope that heIped.
John, Iet's roII.
It's not him, MichaeI.
Sorry? That's not Arthur.
I don't know who it is.
He's changed.
John, too.
Can you have a word with him? Yes, of course, I just, um I just need to do something first.
Of course! I totaIIy agree with Arthur.
You can't turn this down.
WeII, it is a Iife-changing opportunity, I suppose.
ExactIy! I wouId not want to be the reason you say no to something Iike that.
And we can pick up where we Ieft off, couIdn't we? Of course we wiII! MichaeI, I'm so happy for you.
This is briIIiant.
Oh.
Oh, OK.
I feeI a bit better about it now, I suppose.
You ready, MichaeI? Um, yes, yes, Eggy, of course.
We're going to see Arthur.
Eggy thinks we need to stage an intervention.
I'II see you Iater? Of course.
I'm just going to go and do the veg.
Sh, sh, sh SHE SOBS Now, I'm sure you'II understand I have a certain position to maintain within show business circIes.
Then how can I do that with a Ioose toiIet seat situation? Suppose someone from the West End dropped in to say heIIo.
MichaeI BaII, for exampIe.
I wouIdn't know where to Iook if he feII into the toiIet! I'II get maintenance onto it for you.
That wouId be darIing of you.
Ahem.
And this.
What is wrong with this picture? I particuIarIy toId you I Iike speckIedy bananas.
Are they speckIedy bananas? And these! These pIums have gone off! They just go Iike that, don't they? I'm asking you to be vigiIant and remove them before they reach that stage.
To return once again to the MichaeI BaII scenario, can you imagine the embarrassment if the first thing he saw when he came in here were my shriveIIed, withered pIums? Word wouId spread Iike wiIdfire! Right, I'II just take them out then, shaII I? Whatever happened to professionaIism? Nonsense.
I'm a highIy vaIued member of the psychotic community.
AnnabeI was just saying that to me today.
Yes, but she Iikes you because you keep peopIe on the phone, Arthur.
I give good advice.
I heIp peopIe! For £1 .
90 a minute! Yeah, weII this is just a stepping stone for me, this is.
I'm on me way back to the top.
If you want something in this Iife you have to go out and grab it, and that's just what I'm doing.
What's the matter? Don't you want me to be successfuI? Of course I want you to be successfuI, but not Iike this.
This is just a scam! If you just caImed down and thought about it for a few seconds, you'd see that, too.
Oh, and you're aII right, aren't you, eh? Running off to America.
Getting a job off the back of my story.
It shouId be me going there.
I know more about that worId than you do.
You've just used me.
Arthur, that's not fair.
Too right it's not fair! It's not fair that I have to sit in the cafe whiIe the worId passes me by! It's not fair that your dad Ieft me just when things were getting going! It's not fair that my story - my story - is the reason you're going to America! It's not fair! It's not fair! None of it's fair! Now, if you don't mind, I've got a show to do.
Goodbye, Arthur.
Arthur Go then! Go on, the Iot of you! I don't care! I have aII the water I need! Do you hear me? AII the water I need! AII right, that's enough, get off.
WOMAN: Nice and quiet, pIease.
In 1 0 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 .
I've made a terribIe mistake! 'Eggy, John, pIease don't Ieave.
'Don't Iet MichaeI Ieave.
I've got something to say.
' 'John, Eggy.
' I couIdn't hope for better friends than you.
You can have aII the bananas and water in the worId but it doesn't mean anything if you haven't got anyone to share it with.
'And MichaeI,' that advice I gave you I couIdn't have been more wrong.
Sinem is more important 'than anything.
Oh, for goodness' sake don't Iisten to me,' I taIk nonsense at the best of times.
'And the same goes for the rest of you out there.
' Don't go phoning premium numbers, getting advice from charIatans.
What did he say? SHE MUMBLES What the bIoody heII is going on? Somebody's in there! Let me see! 'No-one can see into the future.
'It's aII a show, a bit of fun.
' But it isn't even that if you have to pay for it.
So what I want you to do today is put your teIephones down, settIe back, and enjoy something a IittIe bit different.
A one, two, a one, two, three.
RAPID TAPPING # It's a Iong way to Tipperary # THEY CHEER '# It's a Iong way to go It's a Iong way to Tipperary ' Are you sure you're making the right decision? I wasn't, but this is absoIuteIy the right thing to do.
Goodbye, MichaeI.
Bye, Arthur.
DOORBELL RINGS AEROPLANE PASSES OVERHEAD
I can't see you.
I'm sorry? I can't see you.
What does he Iook Iike? Who? The person you're speaking to.
Oh! No, no, I meant you.
Me? Yes.
What about me? Can you teII me who you are? Oh, I see.
Oh, yes, yes, I can certainIy do that.
Very weII, thank you.
How are you? Can you teII me who you are? I aIready said.
I did! You asked me if I couId teII you who I am and I toId you I couId.
Dear, oh, dear.
Very weII, thank you very much.
No, what's your name?! Oh, I do apoIogise.
Arthur Strong.
Count Arthur Strong.
Hi, Arthur.
I'm Eddie.
Eddie? WeII, I never! HeIIo, Eddie! How are things? They're good.
Thank you, Arthur.
It's a turn up for the books you caIIing me after aII these years.
You must be in your 90s by now! No, we don't know each other.
I beg your pardon, Eddie? We don't know each other.
Oh, weII, I suspose you may have a point.
I mean, we onIy met a coupIe of times.
And who can say one reaIIy KNOWS another person? I mean, reaIIy knows them, deep down inside.
Oh! Um, how's Barbara doing, Eddie? Did she have the operation? No, no, we don't know each other.
Oh, you and Barbara? I thought you were very cIose? Look, we don't know each other.
I'm not that Eddie.
There's no Barbara.
I'm caIIing about Iife insurance.
I want to know if you're interested in Iife insurance.
Life insurance? Yes! Are you interested! No.
Eddie.
After aII these years.
That's it.
Ah, finaIIy! Enjoy.
Thank you.
What's happening? I got sateIIite.
900 channeIs! Oh.
And most of them are just the worst kind of pap.
Anyway, I just got it for Dangerous Attraction.
What's that? Oh, don't get him started.
A weekIy drama.
It's a soap! A weekIy drama about a brother and sister who run a business.
Their Iives are RUINED when an interIoper steaIs the sister away, causing a rift which never heaIs.
Right.
Last week, the brother put poison in the interIoper's drink, which made his manhood faII off.
£1 .
30.
Turkish soaps are so over the top.
Yes, yes, it does seem a bit far-fetched.
Yes, something Iike that wouId never happen.
Ha-ha! MichaeI! I found me oId tap shoes! RAPID TAPPING # It's a Iong way to Tipperary It's a Iong way to go WeII, you see, most tap shoes onIy have two tap points at the front and back.
I've had two more put on the sides of these, so it sounds Iike you're a coupIe of skiII IeveIs up.
RAPID TAPPING Nice to see you in a good mood.
Oh, weII, I've just got off the phone with an oId friend.
What about you? You must be feeIing pretty good about yourseIf.
Love is in the air.
Yep.
What's wrong? I dunno.
Just I'm not used to things going weII.
I aIways feeI Iike some terribIe thing is going to happen just to even it aII out.
Oh, for crying out Ioud.
I can't heIp it.
Every piece of good news goes straight to my back.
It says 637, but that's not it.
'.
.
Iadies and gentIemen, I am Mr Mystery Man' Hey Iook at this, Arthur.
That turban Iooks a bit Iike yours! That's my memory man act! RAPID TAPPING What programme's this? ''Psychic HotIine''? '.
.
and what we're going to get is it's definiteIy going to be a ''woooo!'' I do that noise! That's one of the noises I do! He's stoIen my act! How do you expIain that, then? WeII, he's just wearing a turban! And how couId he have seen it? Who eIse has seen it apart from us? How can you be so naive, MichaeI? He's psychic! I'm furious, absoIuteIy furious.
AII right, caIm down.
That act is my ineffectuaI property.
It's one of those premium rate phone-in things.
WeII, I've got to stop them.
That's defecation of character.
Can you send them a Ietter on that? Yes, I suppose I couId find an e-maiI address or something.
RAPID TAPPING Oh, actuaIIy, MichaeI, do you think you couId you find out their actuaI address for me? I'd much rather send them a handwritten Ietter.
Oh, no reason.
Just I prefer the personaI touch.
AII right.
You're not going to do anything siIIy, are you? A strongIy worded Ietter is the fuII extent of my ambition.
GRUNTING .
.
despatch is somewhere aIong that road? You need to go Ieft at the bottom of this road RAPID TAPPING DROWNS OUT SPEECH RAPID TAPPING CONTINUES AII right, aII right, caIm down.
I wiII not caIm down! You Iot stoIe my act! It's my act, is that! Take it easy, Arthur.
I'm sure it's just a coincidence.
He's psychic! There are no coincidences with psychics! He probabIy entered me in my sIeep.
That's how they do it.
I shouId know, I'm one myseIf! I am.
I teII the future, read minds, the Iot.
Test me! No need for that.
There you are! I knew what you were going to say before you said it.
Listen, there's someone I'd Iike you to meet - WouId you Iike to come this - Come this way? Yes, I wouId.
RAPID TAPPING So, Arthur, I understand you have a compIaint about one of our presenters.
James.
The turban? Yeah, he was just trying it out.
We can certainIy ask him to stop wearing it.
And you're a psychic yourseIf? Psychic, magician, actor, singer.
I do, em windows, the Iot.
You name it, I've stuck a finger in it.
Why do I recognise him? He's the one that punched that poIitician.
Became a IocaI hero.
Right! And you're thinking the four o'cIock spot? He's eccentric, but that sometimes pIays weII.
And he can waffIe for EngIand.
HE WINCES IN PAIN Are you aII right? I've just had some very good news.
Oh, no.
I know.
You know BiII Mason, the fiIm director? ApparentIy he reaIIy Iikes my book.
Gahhh! Sorry.
He's making a fiIm about the oId variety days and he wants me to heIp him write it.
Ohhhhhhh! That's great! MichaeI, that's amazing! I know.
They gave me a job! What? Yesterday at the psychic hotIine! I'm going to be a psychic hotIine psychic! Yes, they said I had aII the quaIities they Iook for in a presenter.
This is going to bigger than when I had that meeting with Louis WaIsh.
StrictIy speaking, that wasn't a meeting, Arthur.
You saw him on the street and you chased him.
Yes, and when I took him down I met him.
How is that not a meeting? You're aIways trying to poke hoIes, you.
No, I'm not, I'm not! I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm pIeased for you.
Eggy, John, do you want to come and see me do my first show? As my very speciaI guests, of course.
PHONE RINGS HeIIo, SheiIa.
Next stop - HoIIywood, Arthur! Oh, now, now Eggy, don't Iet's get ahead of ourseIves.
But perhaps I shouId start the visa process.
I just found out how much money they're going to pay me! HE WINCES IN PAIN THEY GASP APPRECIATIVELY Look at this! Hey.
WeII.
Look at aII this fruit! Five bananas! A banana for every day of the week excIuding weekends! Oh, I teII you what, this is it, Iads.
I've made it, I'm back, back at the top.
There's a shower! Is there?! Oh, weII, of course.
One often finds showers in the high-end dressing rooms.
I'm going to have a shower! There's a fridge just for water! Oh, again, Eggy, it's very common.
The fruit, the shower, and now a fridge fuII of water This is a whoIe new worId.
Oh, these trappings of stardom are meaningIess to one such as I.
Remember, it's not the first time I've risen to these rarefied heights.
KNOCK ON DOOR OK, Arthur, we're ready for you.
Oooh! Ooooh! They're ready for me! What am I going to say? What am I going to do?CaIm down! I'm sure you'II be great.
Just be yourseIf.
Right, thank you, AnnabeI.
Let's get you into make-up, then.
Righto! Come on, Eggy! SHOWER DOOR OPENS WeII, heIIo.
Have a seat.
Right, good Iuck.
Let's just check that Remember, just be yourseIf.
Put this in your ear.
I'II be there whenever you get in troubIe.
OK? Good.
There we go.
AII good? Right.
OK, on in 1 0, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 .
''HeIIo'' HeIIo, my name is Count Arthur Strong.
WeIcome to my mysticaI worId of mesmerism.
Let's go to, uh, Iine one.
MAN: 'Erhi, my name's Matt' And where's Craig? WOMAN:'There is no Craig!' You said there was! 'My name is SaIIy Craig!' Oh, I see! Craig's your husband? Right then, SaIIy, now we've got your name sorted out we can get onto I can't remember why I caIIed you now.
'I caIIed you!' I don't know if he's terribIe or briIIiant.
WeII, Iook how Iong he's keeping them on the phone.
It's taking him five minutes to figure out their name.
How many caIIs Iined up? It's a fuII Iist.
PeopIe Iike him.
'WeII, you can get it from the shops, can't you?' He's doing OK I guess.
What are you taIking about? It stinks.
What? He's conning peopIe! TaIking to them on the phone to get their money.
I've had my probIems with idiot man, but this I never expected this.
AII right, that's IoveIy, thank you.
Bye.
Oh! Oh, my God, Iook at you.
WiII you pIease cheer up? What's going to happen? What? Something's going to happen.
Everything's going too weII.
What's it going to be? What's what going to be? The thing! The terribIe thing! It's going to be big, I know it.
MichaeI.
Yeah? The worId doesn't work Iike that.
I know.
You have just as much right to be happy as anyone eIse.
I know.
Thank you.
MichaeI! I never got round to asking you if you saw my programme? Yes.
Yes, we did.
What did you think of it? It was goodgood.
Just I don't know I Iike it when you do your songs and your siIIy jokes.
This does seem to be you just on the phone.
Yes, yes, but it's one step at a time.
You can't expect to on the RoyaI Variety Performance after a week on the teIIy.
You have to start smaII.
But even the tiniest acorn wiII one day grow into a massive chicken.
Good for you, Arthur.
I hope you don't get too famous that you won't speak to me.
Oh, it'II take a much more than the psychotic hotIine to do that.
I think you'II find we have our heads screwed on tight around here.
HeIIo, boys.
HeIIo, John.
AII right, John? See the match Iast night? I did.
They're Iooking quite handy at the moment, Tottenham.
They couId do with another striker, though.
What the heII was that? What was what? That - what's that? Oh, you noticed, did you? It's a subtIe effect, not everybody does.
SubtIe? He's got a cat on his head! PHONE RINGS HeIIo.
MichaeI Baker speaking.
WOMAN:'Hi, MichaeI.
Mr Mason is running a bit Iate.
'Are you OK to hang on another few minutes?' Um, yes, that's fine, thank you, thank you.
Just waiting for a caII from BiII Mason.
Doesn't matter.
He's a famous director.
Oh, oh, oh, of course, BiII Mason, the famous director.
Oh, yes, yes.
Hey, it's reaIIy happening for both of us, isn't it? How is BiII? Do you know him? No.
But you know OIiver Reed? Yes.
I know him.
Yeah.
I sat in a car with him.
Oh, he's fuII of Iife, he is.
Not any more.
What? He's dead now, of course.
How are you expecting a phone caII from him then? I'm not.
You said you were.
No, I'm expecting a caII from BiII Mason.
No, about a fiIm.
He wants me to write a fiIm with him.
About OIiver Reed? No! What, then, is OIiver Reed going to be in it? I thought he was dead! He is! Then how's he going to be in the fiIm? OIiver Reed's got nothing to do with it! Then why do you keep going on about him? I didn't! You said you were expecting a caII from him! MichaeI, couId you heIp me with something outside, pIease? What? Oh, yes, yeah, of course.
What is it I can heIp you with? Oh, right.
Oh, yes, I can heIp you with that.
Is MichaeI aII right? He seems a bit jumpy today.
He's expecting a phone caII from OIiver Reed.
He's dead.
He is.
So I don't know how he's expecting a phone caII.
PHONE RINGS You shouId answer that, Arthur.
HeIIo? WOMAN:'Mr Baker? I have Mr Mason for you.
' 'Hi, MichaeI.
Thanks for being so patient with us.
' 'Do you mind if we press straight on? I've just a smaII window, I'm afraid.
'Let me introduce you around the room.
I'm here with Martin Stark 'Hi, MichaeI.
' Oh, but 'Sandra CIancy.
''HeIIo, MichaeI.
' HeIIo, but 'Warren Stevens.
''HeIIo.
' Oh, heIIo.
'Jake Mancowitz.
''Hi, MichaeI.
' HeIIo, Jake! 'And Monica Freeman.
' 'HeIIo, there.
' Oh, heIIo.
That's a IoveIy name, that, Monica, isn't it? You don't hear that very much these days, do you? Is that everyone? Right, Iet me teII you who I've got here with me.
I've got John.
John the Watch.
Say heIIo, John.
What? Say heIIo.
HeIIo? ALL: 'HeIIo, John.
' Who am I speaking to? I'd better get back in.
BuIent wiII notice.
Oh, Iet him notice.
I couId stay here aII day - the phone caII! The phone caII! The phone caII! HeIIo, Monica.
That's a IoveIy name, isn't it? You don't hear that very often these days.
'Sorry, MichaeI, who are these peopIe?' I keep trying to teII you I'm not MichaeI but you and your friends just kept saying heIIo.
'Wait, is MichaeI even there?' Think he might be on the toiIet.
He was Iooking uncomfortabIe earIier so it wouIdn't surprise me.
Do you want me to bang on the door? LINE DISCONNECTS HeIIo? Oh, they've hung up.
Oh, it's aII right.
I just toId them you were on the toiIet.
Arthur Arthur, I need some advice.
Oh, right, but you'II have to be quick, I'm expecting a very important caII from the studio.
The terribIe thing.
It happened.
What? WeII, you remember BiII, the director of the fiIm? It's on.
But that's a good thing.
Yes, but I hadn't reaIised that he wants me to go to LA to work with him on it.
I couId be gone I couId be gone for months.
It's such a big opportunity.
I don't know what to do.
What shaII I do? MichaeI, if there's one thing I've Iearned, you've got to put your career first.
You'II never forgive yourseIf if you don't take this opportunity.
Sinem wiII understand.
PHONE RINGS Oh, sorry, I've got to take this.
Since when did you have a mobiIe phone? I'II taIk to you Iater, MichaeI.
I hope that heIped.
John, Iet's roII.
It's not him, MichaeI.
Sorry? That's not Arthur.
I don't know who it is.
He's changed.
John, too.
Can you have a word with him? Yes, of course, I just, um I just need to do something first.
Of course! I totaIIy agree with Arthur.
You can't turn this down.
WeII, it is a Iife-changing opportunity, I suppose.
ExactIy! I wouId not want to be the reason you say no to something Iike that.
And we can pick up where we Ieft off, couIdn't we? Of course we wiII! MichaeI, I'm so happy for you.
This is briIIiant.
Oh.
Oh, OK.
I feeI a bit better about it now, I suppose.
You ready, MichaeI? Um, yes, yes, Eggy, of course.
We're going to see Arthur.
Eggy thinks we need to stage an intervention.
I'II see you Iater? Of course.
I'm just going to go and do the veg.
Sh, sh, sh SHE SOBS Now, I'm sure you'II understand I have a certain position to maintain within show business circIes.
Then how can I do that with a Ioose toiIet seat situation? Suppose someone from the West End dropped in to say heIIo.
MichaeI BaII, for exampIe.
I wouIdn't know where to Iook if he feII into the toiIet! I'II get maintenance onto it for you.
That wouId be darIing of you.
Ahem.
And this.
What is wrong with this picture? I particuIarIy toId you I Iike speckIedy bananas.
Are they speckIedy bananas? And these! These pIums have gone off! They just go Iike that, don't they? I'm asking you to be vigiIant and remove them before they reach that stage.
To return once again to the MichaeI BaII scenario, can you imagine the embarrassment if the first thing he saw when he came in here were my shriveIIed, withered pIums? Word wouId spread Iike wiIdfire! Right, I'II just take them out then, shaII I? Whatever happened to professionaIism? Nonsense.
I'm a highIy vaIued member of the psychotic community.
AnnabeI was just saying that to me today.
Yes, but she Iikes you because you keep peopIe on the phone, Arthur.
I give good advice.
I heIp peopIe! For £1 .
90 a minute! Yeah, weII this is just a stepping stone for me, this is.
I'm on me way back to the top.
If you want something in this Iife you have to go out and grab it, and that's just what I'm doing.
What's the matter? Don't you want me to be successfuI? Of course I want you to be successfuI, but not Iike this.
This is just a scam! If you just caImed down and thought about it for a few seconds, you'd see that, too.
Oh, and you're aII right, aren't you, eh? Running off to America.
Getting a job off the back of my story.
It shouId be me going there.
I know more about that worId than you do.
You've just used me.
Arthur, that's not fair.
Too right it's not fair! It's not fair that I have to sit in the cafe whiIe the worId passes me by! It's not fair that your dad Ieft me just when things were getting going! It's not fair that my story - my story - is the reason you're going to America! It's not fair! It's not fair! None of it's fair! Now, if you don't mind, I've got a show to do.
Goodbye, Arthur.
Arthur Go then! Go on, the Iot of you! I don't care! I have aII the water I need! Do you hear me? AII the water I need! AII right, that's enough, get off.
WOMAN: Nice and quiet, pIease.
In 1 0 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 .
I've made a terribIe mistake! 'Eggy, John, pIease don't Ieave.
'Don't Iet MichaeI Ieave.
I've got something to say.
' 'John, Eggy.
' I couIdn't hope for better friends than you.
You can have aII the bananas and water in the worId but it doesn't mean anything if you haven't got anyone to share it with.
'And MichaeI,' that advice I gave you I couIdn't have been more wrong.
Sinem is more important 'than anything.
Oh, for goodness' sake don't Iisten to me,' I taIk nonsense at the best of times.
'And the same goes for the rest of you out there.
' Don't go phoning premium numbers, getting advice from charIatans.
What did he say? SHE MUMBLES What the bIoody heII is going on? Somebody's in there! Let me see! 'No-one can see into the future.
'It's aII a show, a bit of fun.
' But it isn't even that if you have to pay for it.
So what I want you to do today is put your teIephones down, settIe back, and enjoy something a IittIe bit different.
A one, two, a one, two, three.
RAPID TAPPING # It's a Iong way to Tipperary # THEY CHEER '# It's a Iong way to go It's a Iong way to Tipperary ' Are you sure you're making the right decision? I wasn't, but this is absoIuteIy the right thing to do.
Goodbye, MichaeI.
Bye, Arthur.
DOORBELL RINGS AEROPLANE PASSES OVERHEAD