Count Arthur Strong (2013) s03e07 Episode Script

Safari Park

1 (theme music) (sighs) (diaIs phone) (phone rings) - HeIIo, I beIieve you were recentIy invoIved in an accident that was not your fauIt.
- Thank goodness you caIIed! - Oh, you were? - Just now! How-how ever did you know? - Can you teII me how it happened? - I'm not a 1 00 percent certain myseIf.
I'm Iucky to be taIking to you now to be honest! It was touch and go there for a whiIe.
- WeII, wouId you be interested in pursuing compensation? - Compensation? ReaIIy? - Yeah, you couId be entitIed to compensation.
Did you know that? - I have to say, what's your name? - Roger.
- I have to say, Roger, you're terribIy efficient.
Compensation hadn't even crossed my mind at this stage.
I'm onIy now getting my breath back.
- Where did it happen? - Up there.
- [Roger.]
Where? - There, up there.
- In your home? - Yes, in my home.
Can't you see me? - No, I can't see you.
- But when I feII into the toiIet, you saw that bit? - No.
- What, you just heard the spIash and put two and two together? - No! - So you just caIIed on the off-chance that I'd faIIen into the toiIet? That's very enterprising.
How much do you think I can get? - WeII, are you the homeowner or are you renting? - Um, yes.
- [Roger.]
Which one? - Which one what? - Which one are you? - Arthur, remember? I feII down the toiIet! - Are you renting or do you own it? - The toiIet? Came with the house, I think.
- Look, the house.
Do you own the house? - I do! Oh, I see what you're getting at.
I can sue myseIf! WiII that make things easier or more compIicated? - No, no, you can't sue yourseIf! - Why not? I think I've got quite a good case.
I might even settIe out of court.
- You can't owe yourseIf Oh, God! - You aIright, mate? - I hate my job.
I hate my job.
I hate it, I hate, hate, hate my job.
I hate my job.
- I'm sorry to hear that.
Why don't you Ieave? - Maybe I wiII, maybe I wiII.
- What is it that you do? - [Arthur.]
Cup of tea pIease, Sinem.
Been quite a morning.
(cIears throat) - So? - So what? - I'm giving you one chance.
Say it, Iet's have it.
You've got no excuse, I toId you yesterday.
- I'm sure I don't know what you're taIking about.
- Haaah Happy.
Bir Birthday, (growIing) MichaeI.
- What was the first part again? - Happy birthday.
- Oh! Thank you very much.
Wait a minute, that's not for months.
- To me! UnbeIievabIe.
- WeII, I'm not supposed to remember every sodding birthday, am I? It's someone's birthday every day.
- That's two years in a row now.
You aIways remember Eggy and John's.
- Oh, that was a nice day.
- Oh, when I hired the houseboat? Oh, wasn't it just, Eggy? - Oh, it was IoveIy.
We had cocktaiIs on deck and everything.
It did sink, though.
- OnIy the front of it.
It was bone dry at the back, you just couIdn't get up there.
- We aImost drowned, Arthur.
- John, do you remember when I hired the hot air baIIoon? That was fun, wasn't it? - Yeah, but again, Arthur, we aImost drowned.
- Look, it doesn't bother me.
No, it does, it does.
I don't know, I thought we were Ah.
You know what? You're just you.
You're not being you're just you.
(snickers) - What's so funny? - (coyIy) Nothing.
Happy birthday.
- Get your fiIthy hands off my sister.
- Maybe I didn't drop enough cIues.
Was I too subtIe? - Ah, I don't think you were too subtIe.
(air horn honks) Just to say, everyone, it's my birthday tomorrow.
It's just a generaI announcement.
It's not aimed at anyone in particuIar.
It's just, you know, when peopIe are friends it's nice to remember each others' birthdays.
It's kind of a way of showing that you're not unhappy that they're aIive.
(honks horn) Arthur! Did you hear any of what I just said? - Sorry, MichaeI, I've got things on me mind.
I think the date might be up on one of me vouchers.
50p off a Ieg of Iamb.
I'II keep that safe.
Two-for-one gym membership.
Ooh, here it is, I was right! This one's out today.
I've got to get meseIf down to Ann Summers, whoever she is.
- I bet he did remember.
He's just so cheap he doesn't want to have to buy me a cup of tea or something.
- Um, yes, um, sorry, I just have to - What's so funny? - They're pIanning a surprise for MichaeI.
- PIease don't kiss customers on their birthday.
- He's my boyfriend.
- And a customer.
We don't want everyone thinking they get a kiss on their birthday.
That's exactIy the sort of thing idiot men wiII start asking for.
- You okay? Get the banner up.
- Oh, I can't wait to see his face when he reaIises I'm not a terribIe friend as I have been pretending to be for a number of years, to give him this surprise today.
- It's a good thing Birdie overheard him taIking to Sinem.
- And then after dinner for which I've bought a superb South American MaIbec, I thought we couId watch Seven Samurai which is my favourite fiIm ever.
- Hey, three hours Iong.
- Oh, it fIies by.
- Can I cook at Ieast? - No, no, Sinem, I'II do it.
- I don't beIieve you.
You get insuIted when peopIe forget your birthday and then when peopIe remember you don't want them to do anything for you.
- I know.
(sighs) On my 1 0th birthday, my dad promised me a trip to the zoo.
Then on the day he decided to do a speech at the dinner for Tommy Cooper instead.
Just Iike that.
Ever since, I've been in charge of my own birthday and as a resuIt it's aIways just the way that I Iike it.
I suppose that makes me terribIy anaI.
- What a strange pIace! What is, Arthur? - Ann Summers.
I don't quite know how to describe it.
It's a it's a sort of What sort of pIace is this? They had this, it was a I don't know what it was.
But it Iit up.
I think it had a beII on it.
Ooh, I don't know, I know I don't want to go there again, though.
- Did you not use your voucher then? - Oh no, I used the voucher.
- Arthur? - Yes, Birdie? - Your man, Brian, he's just been teIIing a terribIe sad story.
- Brian? You mean MichaeI? - Yeah, one of those names.
He was taIking to Sinem.
What an awfuI, brutaI chiIdhood he had.
- ReaIIy, Birdie? Go on, then.
- He wanted to go to the zoo, but his dad took Tommy Cooper instead and now as a resuIt of it he has a tremendous anaI probIem.
- Oh, right, that settIes it.
We're going to give him a proper birthday.
I'm going to puII aII the stops out, no expense spared.
It's in here somewhere, I know it is.
Ah ha! Here it is! I've been saving this.
- What is it, Arthur? - This, Eggy, is the goIden ticket.
- GoIden ticket? - Yes, you know, Iike from CharIie's Wonkie WiIIy Factory.
I'm going to give MichaeI a birthday to remember if it kiIIs him, I mean, me.
- (together) Surprise! - Oh! Aw! Oh! - (deadpan) Brian.
Who's Brian? - Sorry about that, Birdie did that.
But make no mistake, we are here to ceIebrate you, Brian.
Uh, MichaeI.
- Thank you very much, I don't know what to say.
- Oh, the chiId-Iike deIight in your eyes says it aII.
But it's not over yet.
For we are going on a magicaI mystery tour.
- What? - We have everything pIanned.
Come on! Your carriage awaits.
- Oh, no, no, Sinem and I have something pIanned.
Did you know about this? - I did and they promised to get you back in time.
- Fear not, we shaII return you to your Iady's arms at the appointed hour.
- Uh - MichaeI, for goodness' sake, be spontaneous for once in your Iife.
- Oh, aIright, what the heck? (Iaughs stoicaIIy) Arthur - I'm in your hands.
- When can I take this off? - [Arthur.]
When we're there.
- How Iong's the drive? - [Arthur.]
WeII, an hour and a haIf.
- I'm not wearing a bIindfoId for an hour and a haIf.
- Go on then, take it off.
But you'II spoiI the surprise.
- HeIIo, MichaeI.
- Where are we going? - WeII, Iet me put it this way.
Do you Iike animaIs? - They're aIright.
- That's the spirit.
WeII, we're aII going to FeIsted Safari Park! (cheers) - Oh.
Uh, wow.
Why? - Because your dad took Tommy Cooper to the zoo.
- Because, sorry? - CouIdn't get a voucher for the zoo, but this is the next best thing.
- Oh! Oh, you overheard me No, he didn't take Tommy Cooper to the zoo.
Oh, it doesn't matter.
Thank you, Arthur, that's very thoughtfuI.
- The voucher gives us 60 percent off a famiIy ticket.
- And the wife.
- And a wonderfuI wife you are, dear.
- Oh, okay, isn't Eggy coming? - [Eggy.]
(muffIed) HeIIo, MichaeI.
- He's in the boot untiI we get him.
It onIy pays for one chiId.
- Okay, so, Eggy's in the boot and we're passing John off as a schooIboy? - That's about the size of it.
- John does not Iook Iike a schooIboy.
- Says you, MichaeI.
- I'm sorry, you don't.
- Now, boys.
- MichaeI, John, I wiII turn this car around! (Iaughs) What do you think of the car, MichaeI? It's an Austin Maxi, the RoIIs Royce of the car worId.
- Can't be many of these stiII on the road.
- I teII you something, you wouId not beIieve how cheapIy I was abIe to hire it for the day.
They were practicaIIy begging me to take it away.
- Right.
- ProbabIy because there's a bit of a hoIe under my seat.
Don't worry, though - I've stuffed a Ioad of newspapers down there so it won't get too draughty in the back.
- [Eggy.]
This is the same car we went to my birthday in, isn't it? - It is, Eggy.
- You you aII nearIy died, didn't you, that time? - [Eggy.]
We did.
- But not because of the car though.
That was because I spent very IittIe money on the boat.
- [Eggy.]
That's right.
- WeII, on John's birthday, you aII nearIy died then, too.
- Oh, - that's right, we nearIy drowned.
Er, IuckiIy, no chance of that in a safari park.
- A safari park.
We're going to a safari park on my birthday.
With Arthur.
In this car.
The car is safe, isn't it? - IncredibIy safe, for the money.
- It's secure? - Bound to be secure, I wouId imagine.
- Is it though? Secure and safe, fuII stop? - Secure and safe, fuII stop, I wouId say.
- CategoricaIIy safe and secure? - CategoricaIIy, in generaI terms, er, I wouId imagine so.
- Arthur, can you assure me that this car is compIeteIy safe? - (strained) Yee-es.
- I'm going to die.
- [Sinem.]
Arthur does Iike to cut corners.
- I'm extremeIy frightened, we're going to a safari park.
This doesn't feeI safe, I don't feeI safe at aII.
- WeII, I'm a bit worried about aII of you now.
Maybe if you sneak away, they'II canceI it and just come home.
You can make up an excuse Iater.
- Sneak away? Maybe.
I'II caII you back.
- [Sinem.]
(fIies buzzing and debris crunching underfoot) - MichaeI? What are you doing? - Just taking it aII in.
So beautifuI out here.
- I suppose.
You coming, then? - Yup.
On my way.
(broken gIass crunching) - [Arthur.]
AIright everyone, here we are, you know what to do.
Now, now, dear, Iet's not argue.
- Nag, nag, nag.
(Iaughs) Oh, women, eh? They'II be the death of me.
Er, heIIo, my good man.
I have here a voucher for a famiIy ticket pIease for famiIies, and we are a famiIy, as my wife and son wiII confirm, aIthough don't pay too much attention to my son, he's shy.
- I Iove you and I aIways wiII, despite what my father decrees.
- Yes, Iet's not get into aII that now, Birdie, my dear.
- My father opposed our Iove.
- That's not reaIIy an issue at the moment, Birdie.
We're going to a safari park.
- And now we're a famiIy with a IoveIy wee boy.
- Yes, don't bring unnecessary attention to John, Birdie.
- What about him? - He's paying.
(adventurous music) - [Arthur.]
Here we go! Ooh, isn't it exciting? - He's circIing, he's circIing back to attack.
- [Arthur.]
A coupIe of eIephants.
- HeIIo.
- [Arthur.]
Spotty horses.
Oh, Iook, what's up with them? They must be poorIy.
Oh, Iook who's getting a free ride! Get down and waIk Iike the rest of them! Oh, signs in the wiId? - It's coming to the car, it's coming to the car! - You aIright, MichaeI? You sound highIy stressed.
- No, I'm fine.
Let's just get through this as quick as you can.
(cigarette Iighter cIicking) John, are you smoking? - Yeah.
- Why? - It's just what you said, try to be more Iike a schooIboy.
You know, crafty one behind the bike shed, sort of thing.
- You're in the back seat of a car! You're supposed to be with your parents.
- Oh yeah, I suppose so.
Sorry, I'II get rid of it.
- Monkey! (monkey screams) - Oh Iook, it's the Iions.
They're my favourite.
- [Eggy.]
Why do you Iike Iions so much, Arthur? - I don't, Eggy.
I can't stand them.
I find them arrogant, but they're not so high and mighty now, are they, eh? We're safe here in the car and they're out there thinking about how much they'd Iove to come and eat us.
Dream on you bIoody idiots! By the way, sorry again for forgetting to take you out of the boot at the entrance.
- [Eggy.]
Oh, don't worry about it, Arthur.
It happens.
Too Iate to do anything about it now anyway.
(fire crackIes) John? I thought you were toId to put that cigarette out? - I did, Arthur.
- The fIoor's on fire! - [John.]
Oh! - The cigarette set the newspapers on fire! - Why didn't you throw it out a window? - You're not supposed to have the windows open in a safari park! - AIright, everybody out! - Oh my God.
- What are they doing? They're getting out of the car! - Uh ! - Arthur, we have to get back in the car.
- But there's fire in the car.
- There's Iions out here.
- But there's fire in the car! - They're Iooking over.
- We have to get back inside.
- But what about the fire! - What about the Iions?! - Lions, fire, Iions, fire.
It's a diIemma.
What does everyone eIse think? - You can't debate it! - Come on, John, you must have an opinion.
- It's not my fieId, Arthur.
- Who votes for getting back in the car? - There's no time.
- On baIance, I think we shouId get back in the car.
Get back in the car! - Okay, okay, they're getting back.
(coughing) - They're getting back out again! - There's too much fire in the car.
Everyone try to Iook a bit Iess Iike food.
- Oh God, what are we going to do? - Eggy, how are you doing? - [Eggy.]
I'm not too bad, Arthur.
Are we home yet? - Not quite.
You have a bit of a decision to make, Eggy.
- [Eggy.]
Oh yeah? - There's fire in the car but there's Iions out here.
Given those circumstances, do you want to get out of the boot? - [Eggy.]
I teII you what, Iet me out and I'II have a Iook at the situation.
- Right you are.
- There's a IittIe oId man in the boot.
- What?! (Iion growIs) - Oh yeah, I see what you mean.
- AIright, Iook, we're going to have to make a run for it.
- What?! When I count to three, we aII scatter in different directions! HopefuIIy the Iions wiII become confused and not know who to pick to eat! Ready? - Fire away.
- Ready.
- We're going to do this? Are we reaIIy going to do this? - One, two, three.
Oh no, Iook, the fire's gone out, back in the car.
- The IittIe boy, the IittIe boy! - [girI.]
What's he doing? - [woman.]
Come on! Run! - What about John? - It's aIright.
Look, they're not bothered.
- [MichaeI.]
I want to go home.
- What about the aIIigators? - Now! - [Eggy.]
We have to pick up John.
- Yes, of course, pick up John, but then we go home.
- But what about? - Arthur, you nearIy kiIIed us.
I want to go home.
- Oh, weII, if that's the way you feeI about it.
- Thank God, the IittIe boy.
HeIIo? Are you aIright? (screams) - [Arthur.]
Oh, um, I'm sure that's nothing.
ActuaIIy, how about we get out and stretch our Iegs? - [MichaeI.]
No, I want to go home.
- [Arthur.]
Just Iet's stretch our Iegs for a minute.
(car engine whines) - [MichaeI.]
The car's broken down again, hasn't it? - [Arthur.]
(engine staIIing) Oh, broken down, you said? Ah, yes, it probabIy has broken down is what I meant to say.
- Get the AA.
- The car's not with the AA.
It's with the AAA, they're a IittIe cheaper.
But they promise to be out within 24 hours.
- 24 hours? AIright, that is it.
Aaaargh! - I don't know what's got you so upset.
We had a nice time, haven't we? - No, no, we have not had a nice time, Arthur.
You nearIy kiIIed us.
You nearIy kiIIed us, Arthur, and you know why? Because you cut corners, you cut so many corners that you are IiteraIIy putting Iives at risk.
- WeII, maybe we can - What, what, Arthur? We're miIes from anywhere.
You're a member of something caIIed the AAA.
It is pouring with rain and now my phone has run out.
What do you suggest we do? - I'II go and see if I can find some heIp.
- [Eggy.]
Can I get out now? (birdsong) - Come on, everyone, Iet's have a sing-song.
Oh ! - Not now, Birdie.
Birdie, Iook, I'm not in the mood.
I couId be home nice food, bottIe of wine.
Instead I'm here.
- [Birdie.]
Ha, ha! That's true enough, you're definiteIy here.
- How do you do it, Birdie? - How do I do what? - You're aIways so cheerfuI.
- Why wouIdn't I be cheerfuI? I'm having a briIIiant time.
- (increduIousIy) How?! - I never thought I'd go to a safari park, something Iike that.
It wasn't untiI I met Arthur that things Iike that started happening to me.
I get a bit Iow sometimes, you know, but, Iike, there's some IoveIy peopIe there but being at the sheIter, you know, you get the bIues sometimes, you know that way? Just nice to get away from it aII for a whiIe, you know? Better to Iook at a Iion for the day than sheep for the rest of your Iife.
- [John.]
Oh, Iook, here comes Arthur.
- Spotted a cafe over that way.
We'II have to get going though.
It's a Iong waIk.
- Arthur? Can I just say I'm sorry for shouting? - No, no, no, you were right.
I wanted to give you a speciaI day, but I cut so many corners I just ruined it.
Just Iike when it was Eggy's birthday and we aII nearIy drowned or John's birthday and we aII nearIy drowned.
I can't do anything right.
I'm cheap.
I mean, who eIse carries a box of vouchers around with? Vouchers? Hang on.
Birdie, have you got that I gave you from Ann Summers? - I do, Arthur.
They're IoveIy stockings but they're not reaIIy my styIe.
- BriIIiant.
Eggy, when I give you the thumbs up try the engine.
- Oh, Arthur, you're You're not going to use it as a fan beIt, are you? I think that onIy works in fiIms.
(engine starts) It's working, it's working! - Quick, get back in before it changes its mind! ShouId get us as far as that cafe.
# Happy birthday, dear MichaeI Happy birthday to you! (cheers) - I'II be Mum! (cIears throat) - I remember when I first met MichaeI.
There It was, urm (stammers) Enough of my stories! Let's aII raise a gIass to the man who has become a fixture in aII our Iives, Iike a spoon, or a thing for saIt.
See, that spoon's a bit dirty.
But, MichaeI isn't.
He's cIean, Iike a bar of soap, or a washing machine.
Never once have I had to step in and have a word.
To MichaeI! - (together) To MichaeI! - WeII, thank you very much.
It's the nicest roadside sausage birthday cake I've ever had.
- Mm.
It's not bad, is it? Mm.
It's very dense.
I get the feeIing there's more than one kind of meat in here.
I Iike that in a sausage.
There's a Iot going on.
- SeriousIy, though, MichaeI, it's been a pIeasure knowing you these Iast few years.
- I'II second that.
- I don't reaIIy know you.
- You'd do anything for anyone.
You haven't got a seIfish bone in your body.
- Very true, Eggy.
We couId Iearn a Iot from MichaeI.
Are you finishing that? - Do you want it? - WeII, if you're not having it.
- It's aII yours.
- Wanna get another round in? - Oh, thanks, Eggy, but, just stiII working on this one.
ActuaIIy, I've I've had a Iot of fun, so thank you, guys.
- Ah, it's just a shame you won't be back in time for Sinem.
- I wouIdn't be too sure about that.
- What's this? - I got you one of those motorcycIe shuttIe services.
This bIoke'II whiz you through the traffic, get you back in time for your big night.
- Oh, Arthur! That's so kind.
This must have cost you a few quid.
- You don't need to say anything.
Just go! - Okay, Iead the way.
Thank you, guys.
- Bye, Brian.
- Bye, MichaeI.
- And you didn't even need to use a voucher.
- Oh no, I used a voucher.
- BIoody heImet.
- What's wrong with the heImet? - Oh, the visibiIity's very poor.
- You do know that you're not actuaIIy Iooking at me right now, don't you? - Oh, sorry.
- StiII not Iooking at me.
Sorry, this may seem Iike a siIIy question, but can you see? - I can see most things.
- [MichaeI.]
No hurry.
(in panicked high-pitched voice) I said, no hurry! Watch that rock! It's a corner! - WeII, we better start if we're waIking back.
- Oh, no.
I got us a taxi.
- [John.]
Ah, wasn't that a IoveIy day? - [Arthur.]
And no one drowned.
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah.
Yes, quite a day.
- Are you aIright? - Ach, you know.
Water off a duck's back.
Ah! (snuffIes and cIears throat) LoveIy.
(wine gIass cIinking against teeth) (theme music)