Coupling (2000) s01e01 Episode Script

So you're really gonna do it.
Oh, yeah.
This time.
Just say what he wanted.
Not a word.
Maybe he's gonna propose.
You think she knows you're gonna dump her? Oh, She ought to.
By now, I've dumped her the last 4 times I've seen her.
So what goes wrong? We have sex.
- You have sex.
- She makes me.
How? She suggests it.
- She suggests it? - Exactly! Evil! You said you had a fantastic time last week end? Yeah.
Maybe you're thinking, you know One swallow does not make a summer.
So last time I dumped her, we had like amazing, fantastic, borderline illegal sex.
Then, she thinks we are back on.
- Oh, that's ridiculous.
- I know.
One swallow does not make her my girlfriend.
Maybe you should marry him.
It's not like that.
It's very casual.
It's really just sex with a fringe of conversation.
What if he's your last ever man? What if you've used up your goes? Remember, every morning, you face has slipped a little bit more.
Since 30, I've had to put a daily limit on facial expressions.
I only ever smile at single men, so I can justify the loss of elasticity.
Is this how your mind works all the time? The only reason I work is, so I stop worrying about my hair.
And this from my beautician.
Which reminds me, Facial, Wednesday Evening.
Yeah, well, just don't count every time you find a wrinkle.
Do I do that out loud? You've got a running total in my file.
Sally, does it ever occur to you that, age brings wisdom and greater confidence? Susan, age brings you more to shave.
So you dumped her, and then, she does the suggesting thing? Yeah You know, I'll be just about to leave; I'll be thinking that I'm finally out.
She just leans over, looks me in the eyes and goes: "I'm wearing stockings.
" No.
And she's never worn them before.
Not once in the entire relationship.
I begged.
Yeah, but Steve, you are entitled to her stockings.
Am I? Yes.
You are still in the Zone.
- The what? - The Boyfriend Zone.
This is the tailing-off period.
You still got a load of stuff in her flat.
You might still have a wedding to go to together.
You are on the joint headings in your friends' address books.
And that means I'm entitled to see her underwear? If it comes up.
That's the rules of the Zone.
Good luck in there, Steve.
You are a strange and disturbing man, Jeff.
Thank you.
Steve Do you know what I call this kind of woman, you know, the type you can't get rid of? Is this gonna be really tasteless? Am I gonna be ashamed to be your friend? It's a technical term; it's just a harmless expression.
All right, hit me.
Unflushable.
- Turn around, Jeff.
Walk away.
- You know, - 'coz they keep bobbin' around -- - No.
No.
You go, Jeff, go! Go.
Don't look back.
Go.
Hi, Patrick.
Hi, Susan.
Hi, Steve.
Jane.
Steve and Jane And so my sister said no, so I said yes.
And then, she said no again, so I just said yes.
But then she said no, so I said yes, yes, yes! How does the story end, exactly? She said I had answer for everything.
Right.
- And I just said YES! - Jane! Okay.
Listen to me.
Okay? I know I've tried to say this before, and and I know I never seem to get anywhere, but this time, Jane, I'm gonna put it very, very simply.
It's over between us.
- You want us to split up? - Yes.
Oh, yes, I do.
I don't accept.
- What? - I don't accept it.
No.
No.
No.
You can't not accept it.
I'm breaking up with you.
- Don't I get a say in it? - Of course you don't.
I even don't get a say in it, then I don't accept it.
Anyway, then my sister just looked at me and she said no, no, no.
Susan and Patrick Mary Kelly does not fancy you.
I can tell from the way she acts around me.
She finds me attractive.
Is there any form of female behaviour you don't interpret as finding you attractive.
It's never really come up.
If you two are finished, I thought you wanted to speak to me.
Yeah.
Yeah, I do.
Could you give us a minute? Mary Kelly thinks you are a complete idiot.
Then why does she keep looking at my arse when we are talking? She's lip-reading.
We need to talk.
Sure.
About our relationship, I'm just starting to think it's all getting a bit hard and heavy, and We both need to back off and cool down! You know, maybe we should just both think about where everything's going, whether we are starting to commit more than we intend to, or want to.
What relationship? Then my sister said, "Absolutely not.
" - So I said, "Absolutely yes!" It doesn't matter whether you accept it or not.
It's over.
You're dumped.
Look, um, it's not you.
Okay? It's me.
Then why am I the one that's getting dumped? You should be the one that gets dumped.
Exactly.
It's all my fault.
So dump me.
No What? We can work on your problems.
I can't believe you! I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.
I just never thought it's a relationship as such.
I just thought we're having a bit of fun, a bit of sex.
Ah, yeah.
That's what I thought.
I mean, that's pretty much, pretty much the way I see things - Well, you're alright? - Yeah.
I mean, it's not as if we've been faithful or anything.
Oooops! You've got to let me out, please! Look, why don't we give it a year? Because if we give it a year, I will end up horribly murdering you and hacking up your body.
Okay.
How long do you suggest? - I'm so sorry.
I have no idea.
- It's fine.
We are only seeing each other once a week.
That's not exactly a sex life.
You must be doing a lot of, um, solo flights.
- No, I wasn't! - Oh, come on! I certainly was not.
I was saving it all up for you.
No.
Really? Ooooops! Some relationships are supposed to end; there are some relationships the world is better off without.
Remember Crippen? Here we go.
Bring up Crippen again.
You seem to forgot the Crippens enjoyed many happy years of marriage before he murdered her.
Please, listen to me.
They didn't just give it up straight away.
They worked at it.
That's the real lesson of the Crippens.
He killed her and was hanged for her murder.
Yes.
Eventually.
Look, I'm not saying it wasn't good.
I'm just saying it didn't seem like a week's worth.
No.
Don't look like that.
Not everyone has my level of sex drive.
- I mean, for start, you're a bloke - Alright! Alright.
I wasn't gonna say anything, but actually, I've been seeing someone else, too.
You've been cheating on me? - What? - Is this true, Patrick ? - But you were cheating on me! - I wasn't cheating.
I wasn't being faithful.
You are being faithful, and that means you are cheating.
And I thought I knew you.
D'you know what I'm going to do? I'm gonna walk out of here.
Whether you accept it or not, I'll never speak to you or see you again.
That is it.
Over.
- Steve, we just - Don't, Don't, Don't! Stop suggesting things, or telling me what you are wearing, or doin' anything with your breasts.
Going.
Look, I just wanted you to know something.
Not like something to work, Jane.
I experienced the passionate connection with you that I've never encountered before.
Not listening.
I've never know love making so electric.
No.
It's having no effect.
Except perhaps once with Arthur.
You know, the night before he left for the Gulf.
There is no level of cheap manipulation that will work, Jane.
Maybe a couple of times with Elizabeth.
Hey, Steve.
Guess who.
Listen, there's a something I forgot to tell you about the Steve.
Steve, you all right? I was this close.
Evil.
Susan, hey! Jeff, hi! You never told me about Elizabeth.
You know I've had relationships with other women.
No, you never tell me that.
Not once in the entire relationship.
I begged.
- Well, it's too late now.
- No! I'm still in the Zone.
This is Patrick, and this is Jeff who works in my office.
Hi.
Alright? Good to meet ya.
So, how do you know Susan, then? She just dumped him.
Aw.
Great.
Sense of my queue for loo break.
Excuse me a sec.
So, dumped and still here in.
So you are a blaaaaah You are unflushable? Um Isn't this the ladies'? Sorry.
Just um just washing my hands.
En'huh, and the money is for ? Do you get these free in the ladies? Apparently.
Well, I'm thinking, in terms of humiliating myself in front of a complete stranger, this couldn't get much more embarrassing, could it? So how are you these days, Steve? Great.
We met at my office party.
Jeff invited you, I think.
And you spent the whole evening arguing with some woman about Crippen.
Yeah.
I was well insulted.
I seem to remember I was trying to cheer you up at the time.
Oh So, have you seen that woman recently? Define "recently".
- Okay.
Look, I better -No, no, no, no.
Maybe we could um you know, meet up sometime? Yeah.
You know where I work.
Jeff's got my number.
Nothing to stop you from calling me.
Great.
Great.
Where're you going? - In there.
- Why? What are you gonna do? You know, that's not the level of detail most people look for.
Sorry, um Still using it.
What? Haven't finished.
I was on a break.
You got out to wash your hands during your Yes.
It's been a tricky one.
Look, look, um I don't think this is such a good idea anymore.
You're just getting all confused again.
I'll tell you what? I'll take my clothes off.
No, no, no, no.
That's not gonna work.
Whatever you might think, Whatever everybody might think, it just so happens I'm not Completely Shaved! I mean, shallow.
Your friend, Steve, is he alright? Yeah, he's having a bit of trouble at the moment.
He's got an unflushable.
Oh, I see.
You mean he can't No, no.
Not so much can't.
He won't.
He won't? The last minute, he gets all sentimental.
So back on you own again? Back out there? You are smiling at me.
I don't think I've ever seen that.
You are a single man now.
You qualify for my elasticity.
Is that as good as it sounds? OUT OF ORDER How well do you know Susan? Are you close? Close.
I got her cycle in my organizer.
Well, wait.
You are thinking of asking her out? Now I really kind of.
Why? Is there a problem? Well, you and her you know? Yeah, we gave it a try.
It was a long time ago.
Didn't really work out.
I think I made her nervous.
That's understandable.
So you manage to finish with Jane? Define "finish".
Steve, have you finished with Jane? Are you out of the Zone? Because if you ask Susan out while you are still seeing Jane, that could be a problem later.
So where were you Zone-wise with Jane when you ask Susan out? Well, you know, pretty much in there.
Yeah, yeah.
But where exactly like um middle, edge ? During.
During? - During? - It's not as bas as it sounds.
I was in a toilet cubical with Jane, and when I was nibbing out to get a condom, I asked out Susan.
The Zone has a new king, but you will rule alone.
Jeff Hello! That Steve guy How well d'you know him? Are you close? Close.
We're porn buddies.
Porn buddies? Oh, yeah.
Is this a code? You two in prison together or something? No, no, no.
It's it's a safety precaution? You know, like a scuba diver dives with a buddy in case you run out of air.
Okay.
So are you telling me that a porn buddy stands by with oxygen.
No.
Many years ago, Steve and I exchanged house keys.
- Are you sure this isn't a code? - It's not code.
Alright! In the event of Steve's death, the first thing I will do, upset though I will be, is go straight to his house and remove all the pornography before his parents can find it.
You are kidding.
And he's placed to do the same for me! That's how close we are! You guys have seriously made arrangements to destroy your dirty mags.
Who said "destroy"? Removing! Yeah, but you wouldn't keep them would you? Well, it's a perk.
- Oh, Jeff! - That's the beauty of it, you see! Your best friend's dead, but there's a bright side! - You are trying to put me off, aren't you? - No way.
Why would I do that? Well, I know it's a long time ago, but um you and me ? Yeah.
Well, that didn't really work out, did it? You know, I never understand why I made you so nervous? I've never seen anyone look so terrified.
It's all in the past.
That! Please, forget about it.
Hello.
Talk of the devil.
Hi, Steve.
No, just talking about you with Jeff.
Your buddy.
Tomorrow evening Tomorrow evening will be fine.
May have to be a bit later.
I'm supposed to be having a facial.
Okay.
Then we can have a good long chat about Jeff.
Getting out of The Zone "Hello.
This is Jane.
Sorry, I've got" Cool! I'm out of the Zone! I'm finally out.
Jane, hi.
This is Steve.
Look, there's something I've been trying to say, and um I think by now you know what it is.
So, so just listen.
You are a beautiful, sexy, highly intelligent woman.
And a man would have to be insane not to want to spend the rest of his life with you.
"This message tape is now full.
Please, hang up.
" "This message tape is now full.
Please, hang up.
" Jeff, I'm going on a date.
Why are you following me? I just think you might need some last minute pointers.
Jeff! Here's a point from me.
This is dinner for two.
Quality nice.
Susan's idea.
She's gonna be here in an hour.
Do you know the biggest turn-off on a first date? - You? - Discussion of mutual friends.
- An hour? - Yes.
She's having a facial.
I'm trying to avoid someone.
Who? Oh, my god! What? Have you been completely clear with her that it's over? Hello, gorgeous.
I got your lovely message.
You know, I feel quite flushed.
How did you find me here? The usual.
Alright.
So what? You phoned my flat, found I wasn't not there.
Then you phoned all the local taxi companies, and found out which one had picked me up and where I'd gone.
Then you phoned all the local restaurants and found out which one had my booking.
Well, if I didn't do that, how would we ever see each other? Remember the time I gave you such a big fright you almost fainted? - Where was that? - Prague.
You should have seen his little face.
He cried! Jane, listen.
Oh, my god! The Zone really hates you.
Hi.
Didn't expect you to be here already.
Didn't expect you.
Thought you are having a facial.
She cancelled.
- She cancelled? - Yes.
Okay.
I was gonna cancel it anyway.
- Don't really need it.
- Are you sure? - What are you saying? - Nothing.
I'm just worried about your face.
Jeff.
Susan.
HahaHi.
I thought you are having a facial.
- It was cancelled.
- Cancelled?! Would you want me to have a word with him? - Hello.
- Hello.
I'm Jane, Steve's girlfriend.
Susan.
Pleased to meet you.
You have a girlfriend?! Well, At the moment.
- At the moment! - You are early.
- You are seeing this woman? - No, no, no, not for another hour.
Okay.
Yes.
Yes, we are on a date.
I'm sorry, Steve, but I simply won't tolerate that.
I'm very fond of you and I hope we'll always be friends, but I'm afraid this relationship is now over.
Yes.
Sorry.
Just like that? I'm afraid so.
- I just wished you had said something.
- What? Somebody wanna tell me what's going on? Sally, what are you doing here? I was feeling guilty.
I should never have cancelled you facial.
Patrick? Hi.
What exactly is going on here? You are asking me? I can't believe you are using our restaurant for you date! That's so thoughtless.
Patrick, you are using our restaurant and my friend for your date.
Okay, you win that one.
So let me guess, you asked him out the moment I dumped him.
Sally, you don't even like him.
I panicked.
My neck looked old this morning.
We'll talk later.
Steve, you and I will talk now.
Well.
Anyway Here we all are on Steve and Susan's 1st date.
Isn't this great? Let's all have dinner and plan the future.
- Table for 6? - Jeff What are you doing? You worry we're gonna talk about you or something? No.
What is there to say? You know about him and me.
Right? The nervous thing? Well, yes, but don't worry about it.
Jeff makes loads of women nervous.
You made me nervous? You told him you made me nervous? "Mr.
I've Lost All Feeling Down My Left Side.
" "Mr.
I Think All My Joints Locked Together, Can You Carry Me Home?" Jeff? Didn't he tell you? He fainted.
Yeah, but I was only faking it so that I wouldn't have to have sex with you! That wasn't a great defense, was it? Sex can be very stressful for men.
You judge us on technique, sensitivity, stamina.
we're just happy if you're nakedhalf naked one breast.
Oh, Jeff.
I can't believe what I'm hearing.
Yeah.
Well, you won't be hearing it anymore.
I'm staying and monitoring the rest of your conversation.
Jeff, I wanna talk to Steve privately.
No.
No.
You are both friends of mine.
If you get together, it affects me.
I'm a legitimate part of this date.
- Go away, Jeff.
- Please.
What do we have to do here? Beg? Show you a breast? Look, all I'm saying is that Okay.
- What? - Okay.
- Okay what? - Okay on the breast thing.
I'll go in exchange for the breast.
- I wasn't serious.
- Too late.
I was.
You've already seen them.
Yeah.
During a panic attack, I was blind.
You can take them now? Well, singly.
I wasn't serious, Jeff.
You really think I'm gonna flush you in public? We are in a corner.
I don't think anyone else will see.
Patrick.
What are you doing? I mean, you've seen them lots of times.
Yeah, but now, you are an ex.
Oh Yeah! It's the best! What are you two doing? Always good to see a friend's breast, unsupported And I just like looking at breasts.
Oh, this just gets better and better.
Will you people get it into your heads? I'm not doing this.
Steve! Just in case you do do it.
You know, technically, I'm on a date with you.
I don't wanna end up a breast behind everybody else.
- Actually, Susan, that's fair.
- I agree.
D'you know what? I am gonna do this.
I'm gonna do this just to show you how low, pathetic and desperate you've all become.
Result! But I want you to remember, I intend this breast satiricly.
Now there's a sentence that can't come out too often.
Okay.
Which one? Any preference? Either.
Don't mind.
The right one.
Trust me.
What wrong with the left one? Don't be like that.
There has to be a second place.
I wasn't aware you'd assessed them individually.
You're asleep.
I was bored.
Fine.
But remember this is to show you how low you have sunk.
- Yeah, but we get to see a breast.
Right? - Yes.
Cool.
Ok.
Here we go.
Fire one.
No, no.
That's the left.
We want the good one.
If you only could see how stupid you all look.
Table for 6, please.
I'm sorry.
I think we are fully booked.
She's got another one just like it, you know.
Yeah, well, pretty much.
Patrick.
Perhaps, we are not fully booked.
Let me go and see what I can do.
I thought the plan was to get rid of everyone.
New plan.
Let's see.
Your ex, my ex; your best friend, my best friend.
Every new relationship has baggage, so why not invite it all out for dinner.
So I take this isn't a date any more.
- Or is it? Are we still - Steve, I think, in our circumstances, let's just take it one breast at a time.