Courage the Cowardly Dog (1999) s03e06 Episode Script

Katz Under the Sea-Curtain of Cruelty

1 - (STATIC) - We interrupt this program to bring you Courage the Cowardly Dog show! - Starring Courage, the Cowardly Dog! - (COURAGE SCREAMS) Abandoned as a pup, he was found by Muriel, who lives in the middle of Nowhere with her husband Eustace Bagge.
- (EUSTACE GRUNTS) - But creepy stuff happens in Nowhere.
- It's up to Courage to save his new home.
- (SCREAMING) Stupid dog! You made me look bad! - (EUSTACE YELLS) - (COURAGE SCREAMS) EUSTACE: Muriel, now you made the eggs too runny.
Make 'em again.
And, Muriel, hash browns and bacon.
Crispy bacon.
And Canadian ham, and sausages, and a steak.
And how about sewing my sock, scratch my back, irrigate my ears? And my coffee's cold.
And make it snappy.
And bacon.
Not too crispy.
MAN: (ON RADIO) Are you overworked and under-appreciated? Then join us for the getaway of a lifetime as a crew member of the world's first nuclear-powered vacation-cruise submarine! Report for duty to Sub Standard Cruises at 0600 hours.
Muriel, make that extra-crispy bacon extra crispy.
- Huh? - EUSTACE: And corn fritters! Muriel! Floor's dirty! Block my hat! Socks! Eggs! Flapjacks! Coffee! And bacon! (SNAPPING) Got a boil needs lancing.
(QUACKS) Oh, Courage, it's so thrilling.
I never realized submarines were so sub-marine.
(WHIMPERS) MAN: Hey, dog.
Over here.
I, for one, don't want to be here.
- You? - Uh-uh! Me, I'm claustrophobic.
Can't stand being stuck in small places.
(BABBLES) Hey, not in the case, man.
It's dark.
(BARKS) Welcome aboard the nuclear vacation-class submarine.
I'm Katz.
Captain Katz.
(YELLS) Do you have any special skills? I do make a fine cup of tea.
Then you will be my first mate in charge of tea.
(GIGGLES) No dogs allowed.
(YELLS) Welcome aboard.
Do you have any special skills? Mmm, can throw my voice.
What did you say? (MUFFLED) Help.
Can't breathe.
I want out.
(GASPS) Aw, thanks.
I'm grateful.
(INHALES DEEPLY) You can be my first mate in charge of entertainment.
(SONAR PINGING) (KETTLES WHISTLING) Don't you worry, my whistling friends.
You'll be steeping before you know it.
I've never seen such a variety of teas.
Oolong Tea, Peeko Flowery White Tea, Tea-N-Tea.
"Do not drive submarine way deep or tea goes ka-boom"? I do so love a tea with a good sense of humor.
So, are you ready for a big finale? No, I am thirsty for a big drink.
(BURPING) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) That seltzer just goes right through me.
(DOOR CLOSES) (PANTS) (DOOR OPENS) First Mate Muriel, this is Captain Katz.
Please have my tea ready for me at 1600 hours.
Today I favor a cup of Tea-N-Tea.
A big cup.
And then when we dive and hit bottom, what happens? Boom-boom.
Something is terribly wrong here.
I'm talking to Captain Katz about this.
No! Captain Katz, I'm afraid you've got a bit of explaining to do.
A captain does not have to explain himself to his first mate.
You do when it involves this tea! Yes.
Oh, no! Oh, my! All I was trying to do was tell you that this tea smells rotten.
You're a spy sent to thwart my efforts to blow up this sub with explosive tea.
Excuse me? I swim to safety.
And Sub Standard Cruises will be ruined.
My company, Katz Submarine Cruises, will get all the underwater vacation business.
Don't you think this is a wee bit extreme? Ta-ta.
(LAUGHING) Courage, you've got to do something.
The captain is gonna blow up the submarine.
(WHIMPERS) You'd better go get help.
COMPUTER: Missile launch in five seconds.
Four seconds, three, two, one.
(SCREAMING) Ow! Oof! Top secrets for sale.
Get your top secrets right here.
Someone is selling top government secrets.
The Pentagon has no idea where the leak is.
Wanna buy a top secret? Not now.
Not now.
Whoever the leak is, I hope he gets what's coming to him! Ditto that.
- Oh.
- (EXPLODING) Can't have a pizza summit without pizza.
No can do, sir.
(PANTING) - Where's the pizza, pizza boy? - (RAZOR WHIRRING) (MUMBLING GIBBERISH) (MEOWING) Out of anchovies? Why, this is insubordination.
Court-martial the pizza boy.
(CRASHING) I've just obtained secret documents! It appears I'm being kidnapped.
(KNOCKING) (GRUNTING) Tea-N-Tea, the scourge of any good submarine vacation.
This Tea-N-Tea is bad tea, very bad tea.
I authorized that tea.
If word gets out, this is gonna cost us our hot tub.
Word is out, sir.
We just heard it on television.
Don't buffalo me, Lieutenant.
Time for damage control.
Damage control completed, sir.
And now it's time to say bye-bye, Sub Standard Cruises.
COURAGE: No! You're not a dummy, you're a dog.
I detest dogs.
(GRUNTING) I can't see.
(ALARM BLARING) (LAUGHS) (SCREAMS) In two minutes and eight seconds this sub will hit bottom.
And then boom-boom.
(WHIMPERING) (CHUCKLES) (SCREAMS) Ooh! Ah, Courage, I knew you'd save me.
I'm Captain Katz.
And I command you not to eat me! Scratch my back! Irrigate my ears.
Block my hat.
My coffee's cold.
Well, it's about time.
MAN: (ON RADIO) Are you overworked and under-appreciated? Are the same old eggs and socks making you hungry for a change? (LAUGHING) EUSTACE: Not too crispy.
(MURIEL HUMMING) (SNIFFING) Ah It's my homemade fabric softener.
(BREATHES DEEPLY) (EXCLAIMS) Too bad Eustace won't let me use it on his clothes.
Mmm (LAUGHS) Looks like I'll be needing to make a new batch.
But I'm all out of my special secret ingredients.
Time for a trip to town.
Hello, Courage.
And good day to you, too.
Good morning.
And I would sure love some chicken necks for my grandma's soup.
For you, my sweet child, only our finest chicken necks.
Give me chopped meat! Pardon me, sir.
But the gentleman was already waiting on me.
I'll be right with you as soon as I'm done with this lovely little girl.
(MUMBLES) Lousy stinking obnoxious politeness.
Oh, thank you, Courage.
Hmm? Oh, my! For you, my dear.
No charge.
Crummy lousy courtesy.
Whoa! No charge less than 1,000 bucks! Now, get lost! Next! Eh? Stupid, ugly, smelly, junky, stupid, stinky! (LAUGHS) Finally! What? Could we get two pounds of ground beef, if you please? Grind it yourself! (GASPS) (LAUGHS) Good one.
Well, it'll stay fresher that way.
BUTCHER: Hey, dog! (LAUGHING) (SCREAMS) (PEOPLE ARGUING) Ooh! And if you ever say thank you in my store again, I'll wash your mouth out with raw meat! EUSTACE: Hey! What do you think you're doing? Oh! (LAUGHING) - Why, you lousy tire-taking - (CAR HONKS AND CRASHES) - Oh - (SIRENS WAILING) Get out of my way! (EXPLODING) Oh, my! (LAUGHING) Life's good.
Eustace, everyone's gone daft.
Muriel, shut up, and let's git! Stealing from a baby, huh? Yeah.
What of it? That's what Nowhere needs in a leader.
I nominate you for mayor.
Idiots and slime-buckets, I give you your candidate for mayor.
- The meanest creep in Nowhere.
- (APPLAUSE) Shut up, you stupid people! (ALL CHEERING) I'm going to get Eustace.
Oh! Are you okay? Help! This creepy old lady's being nice to me! ALL: Oh The candidate wants the woman re-educated, so she'll learn how to be cruel and rotten.
- Just like me.
- (APPLAUSE) Eustace, what are you doing? COURAGE: Muriel! Oh That dog is showing sympathy.
Arrest and re-educate him! (SCREAMS) Lousy interfering dog.
Now your candidate will prove how mean he is by tracking down the dog, bagging him, and sending him to be re-educated.
- (APPLAUSE) - What? Chopped meat! (LAUGHING) I'm tracking down that dog like the dog he is! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) MAN: Welcome to rehabilitation.
Now, Muriel, look at the screen.
(BELL DINGS) (GIRL CRIES) (SCREAMS) MAN: What do you want to do to the hamster? Better.
Crumble the hamster! (THUDS) (GASPS) MURIEL: I don't want to hurt you, little thing.
I only want to be your friend.
(PANTING) EUSTACE: Here I come! I'm a dog-bagging machine! (SCREAMS) (DISTANT CHEWING) Huh? (SCREAMS) (LAUGHS) (GROWLING) (LAUGHS) Huh? My cruelty curtain is a success.
And tomorrow I shall unleash it everywhere.
An intruder? Well, I guess it's curtains for you.
Whew! You should be cruel.
What keeps you warm and soft and fluffy when everyone else is cold and hard? It's my homemade fabric softener.
(GASPS) Surely you don't think those common items alone can thwart the effects of my cruelty curtain? (COURAGE BARKING) I know you're in there, dog! I'm gonna get you! You can't join the Cruelty Commission.
It's just me! No! You're a meanie! My clothes, my hair, so soft and cuddly.
I've I've never felt like this in my life.
I want everyone to feel this way.
EUSTACE: I'm coming to get ya, dog! (LAUGHING) You're mine, stinking dog! - (SCREAMS) - Oh (HORNS BLARING) ALL: Oh (LAUGHING) What's that crazy man chasing that sweet little dog for? Do we want a mayor like that? ALL: No! Arrest and re-educate him! (WHIMPERING) (LAUGHING) (CHEERING) (HOWLING) (PATRIOTIC MUSIC PLAYS) Isn't our new mayor the sweetest man? Mmm-hmm.
I just hope Eustace gets home in time to eat the hamburgers I made him.
MAN: Pet the cute little critter.
Make nice.
(GRUMBLES) Better.
Like this! (EUSTACE SCREAMS) EUSTACE: Chopped meat! (THEME SONG) EUSTACE: Stupid dog! (LAUGHS) English - SDH March 2017