Cow and Chicken (1997) s03e26 Episode Script

1
Ladies, are you man enough
for figure skating?
Well, Dan's World of Diapers First Annual
Skating Championship
invites you to compete in
a World Class Figure Skating Competition!
If you've got the guts!
Why, it has been my life's dream
to be a figure skatin' champion!
Come, let me show you my dark secret!
Earl?
This is my calling!
Underneath my gruff feathered exterior
lies a heart focused
on the beauty and grace of figure skatin'!
Earl?
We can win that World Class Competition!
Yeah!
Skate like the wind, Big Brother!
Oh, look at those two.
How are we gonna beat them, Flem?
They've got talent and skill
and all I've got is Flem!
The Chicken is good,
but the real genius must be that Earl guy.
Just look at those teeth!
With him out of the way,
I just might have a chance.
Boy, that was great!
Yeah! We're a cinch to win.
Yeah.
Someone lose a skate?
Here you go!
Can't win without this!
Hey, thanks, Buddy.
Allow me to introduce myself.
My name is MaryLou Hiney.
And this is my gentleman's smoking pipe.
Galvanized steel, of course.
Why? Why? Why?
Why what?
Quick! Call an ambulance! Earl's down!
Hurry! Over there!
Man, this one's in bad shape.
Look at that face!
Hey! It's Earl who's hurt!
Sorry.
Why?
Why?
Okay, let's take a looky
at the x-rays of Earl's leg.
Jumpin' grandma on a stick!
This is terrible!
Cuba is nowhere near where it should be!
And the Dominican Republic
should not be part of Puerto Rico!
What are we gonna do, Chicken? Why?
The skating competition's tomorrow. Why?
Don't worry, Earl. We'll find a way to win!
How?
Ladies and Germans,
Dan's World of Diapers welcomes you
to the big Figure Skating Championship!
Introducing the elegant team
of Chicken and his partner, Earl!
Along with his doctor, nurse and his I.V.!
Yay, Big Brother!
Hi! I'm Earl!
We're doomed!
My poor figure skating brother!
His dreams have been dashed like
so many pies!
Oh, boy! Oh, boy!
Now we've got a chance!
Ever since I was nine,
this is all I ever wanted!
Oh, mommy and daddy said I didn't
have the figure to be a figure skater!
Well, okay mommy and daddy!
Just watch!
And now, Marylou Hiney and Flem!
Man! These guys rock!
Oh, I wish there was something
I could do to help my Big Brother!
I know!
Nine-point-nine's for Hiney and Flem!
I'll bet it'll take a ten to beat that!
Sorry I ruined your dream, Chicken.
That's okay, Earl.
I guess some dreams
are made to be broken!
Looks like Chicken will lose
to Hiney and Flem by default.
Not so fast announcer boy!
Cow?
Replacing Earl Cow!
May I skate with you, Big Brother?
Oh, Cow, I said a lot of mean things to yas,
like bein' fat and all.
But you're really a big fat life saver!
Come on!
Do you believe in miracles?
A perfect ten! Cow and Chicken win!
Hey! I deserve to win!
If I hadn't clobbered that
idiot Earl with a pipe,
Cow wouldn't have skated!
I feel so cheated!
What is wrong with you people?
I don't want your food!
Oh, Cow, we won!
They're beautiful!
Here, Earl. These are for you, too.
Hey! Group hug!
Wait a minute!
Flem, Hiney? Get over here.
Whom?
Us?
This is the happiest day of my life!
You know, people are always asking me,
"Hey, Red?
How come you are so fetching?"
What can I say?
I'm slim-hipped and all muscle!
And having an outtie belly button
don't hurt, neither.
End of Beauty Tip!
You don't need pants
for the victory dance ♪
'Cause Baboon
better than Weasel ♪
I.R. Baboon, big
star of cartoon ♪
I.M. Weasel.
I.R. Baboon reigns
king in his mind ♪
He's just as good as
the weaselly kind ♪
But round every corner,
he's likely to find ♪
I.M. Weasel.
I.M. Weasel!
I.M. Weasel!
I.R.'s ruined Weasel!
Driving I.R. crazy again!
Oh, do go on, Mr. Monkey. This is riveting!
Oh, I.R. not sleeping at night.
Weasel keeping I.R. awake.
Such a racket he is keeping at night!
He's so thoughtless!
Oh, I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Baboon.
I think I left my curling iron on.
I'll be right back.
Oh, I am terribly sorry, Mr. Ferret.
But I had to drop my pants
off at the cleaners.
You were saying?
Baboon is so selfish.
I donate my free time to Habitats for Carl's.
And let me tell you,
there are a lot of Carl's out there
desperately in need of a habitat.
We have plenty of room in our apartment,
so I'm building one.
For me?
Yes, Carl.
Oh, thank you!
Were you talking to me?
And another thing, that stupid baboon
is always breaking my eggs.
Do go on, Mr. Orangutan.
Weasel keep buying defective eggs.
It always secret dream of I.R.
to being chicken farmer.
Be for me, tiny baby chick
oh, the tiny chick?
Weasel dash farmer dream of I.R.,
cause he only buying liquid chickies!
You know,
I left my pants in the dryer too long.
I'll be right back.
So, I had to go and get some more eggs.
I was planning to cook
my special souffle that night.
But, I can't stand leaving the apartment
because I don't have any faith in Baboon
taking down my messages correctly.
Is that so?
Say, do you ever dream in German?
What?
You see, doctor,
I'm afraid that my friends and colleagues
think the monkey's an idiot.
All Weasel friends treat I.R. like idiot.
Hello?
This is Admiral Bullets!
Tell Weasel we need him in Washington
to handle an emergency on Air Force One!
Any messages?
Admiral Bullets called.
He say Weasel
need to wash hair forcefully.
I wonder if this is forceful enough?
Hello?
This is Admiral Bullets!
Where is that weasel?
He not coming to phone.
He being in shower.
Tell the Admiral I'm
putting on hair conditioner.
Weasel telling me to telling you
he not care about your condition.
Bye-bye.
Oh, I am so interested!
I'll be right back.
I was trying to prepare for a blind date.
I was cleaning the apartment.
What the?
Weasel.
Hey! What do you think you're doing?
If girl are "blind date,"
she not care what apartment looking like.
You cute little thing!
Let's just take a look at you;
all furry and handsome!
Hey! I.R. Baboon.
Pleased to meeting me.
You're kinda cute for a simian.
And you're cute. And such manly fleas!
She obviously liked me more.
She obliviously liking I.R. more.
That's my date!
Weasel totally overreacting!
I acted with complete and utter restraint.
Stop it!
You both need professional help!
I recommend Dr. Sigmund Fraud.
"Specializing in cohabitational disorders
pertaining to Weasels and Baboons."
She dropped this card.
It's so specific, I had to come see you.
You know, I forgot to play fetch
with my dog this morning.
I'll be right back.
Now, where were we?
We're all out of time!
And we were so close to a breakthrough!
See you next week.
Please pay the receptionist.
We were so close to a breakthrough!
See you next week.
What are you doing here?
Why is Weasel being here, too, also?
Yes?
Hey! You're my blind date!
She can see!
I can't believe I'm so stupid!
It's the oldest psychiatrist scam in the book!
And I thought we had something!
Hey?
This is a phony diploma!
You crossed out the "OTIC" in "Psychotic"
and wrote in "IATRIST!"
You meaning pantless doctor
are not psychiatrist!
I'm afraid not, old friend.
He's just pant-less.
Well, it says I'm a "Fraud" right in my name.
I may be a fraud,
but so is my dad, Sigmund Fraud, Sr.
In fact, we're all frauds!
My whole family!
There, there.
Maybe we can help.
Well, it all started when I was about ny-in.
I was just a boy.
I didn't know pants were required at school.
Who would have guessed?
You know, pal?
He may be insane and a fraud,
but he still needs our compassion.
And then Grand-ma-ma
wouldn't let me play on the swings.
And those twins made me wear that dress!
I could be wrong
about that "compassion" part.
Taffeta! On top of the prom dress!
Do you know what that sounds like!