Cradle to Grave (2015) s01e02 Episode Script
Episode 2
1 They say time will wait for no man They say time is on my side I can never make my mind up Cos it all goes whizzing by - From the cradle to the grave - From the cradle to the grave - I know I won't be a slave - I know I won't be a slave - To the mistakes that I made - From the cradle And I won't go till I'm ready From the cradle to the grave.
'In every man's life, there comes the moment 'when his lemonade days are over, 'and for me and my mates, that time had arrived.
' Right, main thing is, don't make out like you've never been in a pub before.
Have your drink ready.
Say it like it's usual.
- Right, what you having? - Half a lager.
- What lager? - Harp.
- You? - Skol.
Guinness.
Large Scotch.
Oh! Scotch.
All right, listen, you lot.
Just have that ready when you're asked, all right? All right, go.
Go! Right, what do you lot want? - Half a lager.
- Skol.
- Pint of Guinness.
- Large Scotch.
- Are you all old enough? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
How old are you? Twenty three.
He's Micky Baker's brother.
Is Micky coming in tonight? Um, yeah, I think so.
Bit later on.
Go on, then.
Say them again -- one at a time.
- Large Scotch, darling.
- Guinness.
- Cheryl wants me to bring a bit of drink back.
- Yeah? You ain't seen nothing like it when she's had a little drop.
Danny! Danny, answer the front door, tell them I'm not in.
Why can't Michael do it? Why don't you belt up, you greasy little germ? Come on, hurry up! Danny! Hello.
Southwark Insurance.
Can I speak to your father, please? Oh.
No, he ain't in.
Now, I know he is.
I've been working my way round the estate.
I saw him come in with a paper, he hasn't come back out again.
No, no, honestly.
He ain't in.
Listen, your father's payments are in arrears.
Playing these games just wastes everybody's time and effort.
Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! If he says I ain't in, I ain't in, mate! Erm do do you know when you might be back? Next week.
I'd try again next week, if I were you.
Ta-ra! Who was it this time? Telly? Christmas club? Gas man? Insurance man, speaking to Danny like he was staff! You have to pay him sooner or later, Fred.
Later, then.
I'll sort it, Bet.
I always do.
- Fred? - Yeah? What have you done with my washing machine? Right, right, listen.
Thing is, don't do your nut.
We've only had it a month! What have you done with it? Now, Dad hadn't actually been intending to sell our new washing machine, when the night before, he walked into the Duke Of Suffolk How you getting on with those semifinal tickets? Leave it with me, Wal.
Leave it with me.
Oi, oi.
- Got me Scotch? - Got it.
You got me fish? - Yep.
- Got you 64 boxes.
- 64?! - Got a freezer, ain't you? - No.
Chest freezer? Yeah, I can get hold of one of them for you.
- What do you want for it? - What you got? - Table lamps? - Oh, be sensible.
- What about that Scotch you had? - It's gone.
Just knocked out the last couple of bottles for him and his haddock.
Let's see.
- You like a bet, don't you? - Yeah.
- How about our share of the greyhound? What greyhound? Here, Little Legs, you still in the market for a washing machine? - The old lady is.
Why? - Cos I know where I can get one.
What do you want for it? Only I'm scratching at the minute.
- That half a greyhound you own.
- Oh, leave it out, Spud.
I think it's died of old age! Never mind old age.
Can I have it? - For a washing machine? - For a washing machine.
So that's how my mum ended up without a washing machine.
What's that smell? Ah, another little treat for you under here.
- Haddock -- 64 boxes.
- Oh! - Good gear, that! - Oh, Fred! - Finest haddock.
- They'll stink the house out! Yes, which is why you're getting a new freezer coming tomorrow.
But I haven't got a washing machine and you're not going to have any clean shirts! I'm just moving things round a bit.
You know that's how I operate.
I'll get you an even better one.
Just trying to grab hold of a few quid, that's all.
How are you going to do that? Well, we ain't been burgled for a while.
Oh, no.
Please, let's not have another burglary.
Besides, you've just told the insurance man to piss off.
- Who's going to pay us out, eh? - Danny! Go find that insurance bloke and give him this.
Make sure he knows that brings us right up-to-date.
Blimey, Mary.
Where you off to? Oh, hello, Bet.
Bill's taking me to Portugal.
- Portugal?! - Yeah, we're away for four nights.
Blimey.
- Here, where you off to? - Hello, Mrs Baker.
Is Danny in? - Far as I know, love, yeah.
- Don't be too long.
You're supposed to be helping your brothers look after this shop.
What, you won the pools or something? - No, we got a tax rebate.
- Rebate? Tax? Bill and Mary Hodges were the only remotely middle class friends Mum and Dad had.
- Ah, Beatrice.
- New motor, Bill? Yes.
I have gifted the previous horseless carriage to the nation.
Pride of place at the British Museum.
Do you want us to bring you anything back from duty-free, Bet? - How about some wine? - Wine? We don't drink wine in our house, Mary.
Well, we never used to either, but we have a couple of glasses of a night now and we quiet enjoy it.
- Bill got quite legless the other night.
- How dare you! I was simply looking under the sofa for a small piece of string.
Now, we must be off, Mary.
- Well, have a lovely time.
- Thank you! - Ta-ra! - Ta-ta.
Bye.
Now that we were hardened drinkers, school suddenly seemed a bit slow and childish for me and my mates.
There was the occasional bright spot, though.
OK, please be seated.
- Yes? - Sir, we already are seated, sir.
Yeah.
Yeah.
OK, I'm well aware, as I'm sure you are, what the subject of today's lesson is.
And it's a lesson that I'm sure most of you think you don't need.
Langford does.
Human reproduction.
Now, I take it you all know what reproduction means.
Having it off.
OK, all right.
All right! Let's get this over and done with then.
Any more you'd like to add? - Knobbing.
- Get in! - We can do better than that, surely.
- What your mum did.
Chapman, see me afterwards.
OK, in front of you, you'll find some small bits of paper.
I'd like you to write down any questions you might have.
And please, don't put your name on them.
This is entirely anonymous.
Thank you.
All right, let's see what we've got, shall we? "What happens when a sperm hits another sperm?" (This is for Langford!) There is a substance, which is called seminal fluid, in which sperms will float around and slide passed each other very easily.
Next one -- "Why is Langford a queer?" Well, I'm not even going to dignify that with a response.
Just going to straight press on, thank you.
"What is a fart?" Well, you've shot yourselves in the foot there, haven't you? You've shot yourselves in the foot, because now I'm going to ask you all to write the following phrase five hundred times.
"The human body is ".
.
a wonderful instrument ".
.
that deserves ".
.
my respect.
" Sir, I can't see your writing.
Can you stand to the left a bit, sir? Bit more, sir.
Can't see the first bit.
What's so funny? Ignorance, boys.
It is a terrible think to have hanging over you head.
Mum was determined to continue with her own form of adult education.
Do you ever drink wine, Maur? What do you mean, wine? Well, you know.
With your dinner and that.
What, corn beef and chips? I don't mean now.
- No.
Indoors.
- Oh, no, wine ain't for indoors.
- It's for when you go up West, ain't it? - And holidays.
They had some in the hotel we was in last year.
- Where was that? - Bournemouth.
Do you like it? Well, we never had none of it.
But they had it there.
I'm sure you can get it from the off-licence.
Why? Fred got hold of a load of grapes? Yeah.
(Yeah.
) Hello! Is this supposed to be this far-fetched.
- It's called The Prisoner, Dad.
You just go with it.
- Go with it? The only prisoner here's the poor bastard stuck watching it.
Wine? What you bought wine for? Just thought it was time for a change.
Is this about that bastard washing machine? I've told you, I'll get hold of another one for you.
I got a few things on the bubble right now, all right? I don't want things on the bubble.
I want them un-bubbled.
Here.
Permanent.
Get your feet off my settee.
It's the only decent thing I've got.
Bet, you don't want to start drinking wine.
It's not for us.
Just try some with me, will you? Do you reckon this is how they do it up Claridge's? Careful.
- Oh, bollocks! - Oh! - Gone inside.
Oh, it's The Prisoner.
'Getting a drink was hard enough, 'but pretending you hadn't had one was nearly has hard.
' What you doing? Living the high life.
Like yourself.
- Here you go.
- Go easy.
It's got to last.
Go on, get stuck in.
You'll be talking like the Queen Mother after that.
What do you reckon? - It's lovely.
- Yeah? What do you think? I don't think that screwdriver helped.
Oh, well, I like it.
Makes a nice change.
Here, have you trod in something? - He has! - Oh, Danny! - Danny! - Dirty bastard.
Get out.
Get out, go on.
Animal.
- Don't put it down.
Hop! Hop! Ugh.
God's sake! What's that? Fish batter? - Oh.
- It's his keys, ain't it? - Yeah.
- They fell off the counter at the chip shop! - Get a couple of gherkins with them? Ah! - Well, this is a mad house! - Careful! - It's a mad house! This is what I'm talking about, Fred.
The sofa's ruined.
I can't have nothing nice, can I? Fred, I need a word.
'I am a free man!' What? I I feel like I I feel like we're on a roundabout at a fairground, grabbing at things as they go by, dropping them and grabbing at other things as they come by.
We're trying hard but we're not getting anywhere.
- Where do you want to go? - No! No, what I mean is don't you think we're missing out on things? No.
I don't.
Well, sometimes I do, Fred.
Don't you ever think of trying something new? Another thing, say? Like what? I don't know.
Like Like like going away to Portugal.
Portugal?! - I couldn't think of anything worse! - Really? What are we going to do in Portugal, Bet? Don't you want to try anything different? Meet any new people? Not particularly, no.
But if you want to, I'll give it a whack.
What do you want to do? Go away somewhere.
Anywhere.
- For a little break, the two of us.
- Where? Joycie Ball goes down the caravan some weekends.
Is that what you want? Piss up against a tree, hear everyone horse-and-carting all night long? Well, how is that different than going the Jolly Gardener's every Saturday night? Up in a clear sky Just feel the breeze Take some shelter beneath the trees All of the summer the sun's beating down Within the country of out of town Happy days in the haze of summer Here you go.
Keep the change, Chas.
We're going to take a break by the rolling sea The perfect summer Just you and me.
Ooh.
Oh.
Where's the light switch? - What? - The light switch? - Well, it's gas, innit.
- Gas? Yeah.
It's all I could get last minute.
There you go.
It's not bad.
No.
It's all right.
There.
- It's nice.
- Cosy.
- Yeah, cosy.
I thought they'd have a telly or something.
A gas one? Well, you said you wanted peace and quiet.
Just the two of us, away from the estate.
You got your wine.
You still don't look happy, girl.
What is it, Bet? What you looking for? Oh, just come and sit next to us, will you? Oh, mind me wine.
- Fred - There's a spider making a web up there.
Huh.
What's that? Here, that's Derek Taylor's motor.
What? Derek from Gillam House? Yeah, it looks like it.
Eh? - Derek! - Spud! What you doing here? - Are you just leaving? - No, we just arrived.
But we've got a week booked.
Oh, my giddy aunt.
Who'd you book it with? Joey Churcher? - Yeah.
- Dirty bastard! - It's our anniversary! - Is it? Well, you'd better come in then.
We're double booked! Is that who you got this off? Joey Churcher? Fred, you said you were having nothing more to do with him after he poisoned that donkey.
Well, he had his reasons.
Yeah.
Thing is, like I said, it's our anniversary, Bet.
- Hello, Val! - Hi, Val.
- Hi.
- Happy anniversary, but - Thanks, Bet.
.
.
where we supposed to sleep? On the roof? Oh, we'll be all right.
Don't worry about that.
- We'll sort something out.
- Yeah! We can sort this out.
Val, get the kids out the car.
- Kids? - Kid's are here.
Oh.
- Whay! - Who's this? - Wally! - Ahhh! - Evening, all! - It's Wally! - Hello, hello.
Lil's here! Lil's here! What you doing here? I've got a shocking thirst on me, Baker.
Apparently this stuff's pretty good for it.
You got a bottle opener? Did you know Wally and Lil were coming here? I had no idea! I had no idea.
Oh, well I mean, I said we were going away in a caravan.
And, you know, obviously you know, they were passing.
You know, and they're here! Where are we supposed to sleep now that Derek and Val and the kids are in with us, eh? Well, we'll sort something out.
Don't worry about it.
We'll be all right.
We'll hatch up.
We'll hatch up! - Get it down your neck, me old son.
- That's it! With Mum and Dad away, I was hoping another adult milestone would soon be passed, this time with my girlfriend, Yvonne.
It's no good, you playing these records.
I can't relax.
I keep thinking your mum's going to walk in on us again.
No, it's all right.
They're all down the caravan.
- Dymchurch? Everyone goes there.
- Yeah.
Anyway, so come on.
What's this surprise you've got for me, then? Oh, yeah.
'It was time to introduce the magic ingredient.
' - What's this? - This is Guinness, that's a pale ale.
Which one do you want? I'm not a stevedore.
It's all I could get! It'll get us drunk.
How revolting.
I don't want to get drunk.
Is that what this is all about? Just think it's time that we grow up a bit.
Time one of us grew up a bit.
I'll go watch some telly downstairs.
If you'd have got Cinzano, might have been different.
Cinzano? Roll out those lazy, hazy, crazy days of summer Those days of soda and pretzels and beer Roll out those Maybe I've figured it out.
The kids can kip in Derek's car, Derek and Yeah!.
.
Derek and Val, they can kip in the bed behind the curtain.
It's their anniversary.
No privacy, right? And me and you Whay-hey! Look who's here! - What are you all doing here? - What's going on, eh? - You booked it for the week? - Yeah.
- Don't tell me -- Joey Churcher.
- Yeah.
Dirty bastard! Hey, the Gardener's won't take a tenner tonight! Give that man a glass, Wal.
Give him a glass.
You all right over there? There you go! Come on, Bet -- cheer up! Imagine there's a war on.
Yeah.
There might as well be cos as far as I'm concerned, it can't get any worse.
Nah! Oh! - Joey Churcher - Dirty bastard! Oh, my goodness.
I know I shouldn't laugh, but it does sound funny.
I bet your bleeding floor didn't collapse in Portugal.
- No, but Bill nearly did after a couple of bottles of that.
- Did he? Oh, thanks for this.
- What is it again? - Rose wine.
You'll like it.
- Yeah.
Well, I like the little basket.
- Yeah.
And you can pop a candle in the top there.
Yeah? Does that keep it fresh? After you've drank it, you soppy cow! It's romantic! Oh, I don't know, Mary.
It's a whole different world.
A bowl of cockles outside the pub is about as romantic as Fred gets.
Well, why don't you come with us this Saturday.
- I could use the company.
- Yeah? Where you going? Bermondsey Small Retailers Annual Dinner Dance.
That sounds marvellous.
Oh, you've obviously never been to one.
For once in my life I have someone who needs me Someone I've needed so This is a bit more near the mark, eh? Sorry I can't get us all on the same table, Bet, what with the late notice, but we can all mingle later on.
Yeah, we'll be all right on our own, Mary.
All right, love.
Hope that's had all its injections.
- Ease up a bit Fred, eh? - What? 'In spite of my setback with Yvonne, I'd not become disillusioned 'about the many and varied advantages 'of going out and getting a right old skin-full.
' Lads, lads, we've got a ladder! - Put it down! - Don't drop it! - Whay-hey! - Whaaaay! - Leave it out.
- Oh, come on.
Here, 'scuse me, Chas.
Where'd you get your skimmish? - Your drink? - Waiters are bringing it round, Fred.
And don't call everybody Chas.
Well, I'm just And as I never tire of telling people, we can't all be a Harrods, or a Selfridges, or the big Ravel Shoes in Tower Bridge Road I'm going to have to get a light ale, Betty.
I'm screeching.
Anybody want anything when I'm up the ramp? I'm sure they don't, Fred.
- Mackeson.
- Mackeson's.
- I'll have a bitter.
- Pint of lager.
- Lager.
You're not going to leave me on my own, are you? I thought this is what you wanted, meet new people.
- .
.
the Sarson's Vinegar factory - Won't be a minute.
.
.
in Mombasa Street.
Your husband he's quite a character, isn't he? We both run a stationers and he was telling us how he could get 1,000 ballpoint pens for £25.
- Is that right? - How on earth could he do that and still make money? Oh he moves things around.
Good evening, everyone.
I hope you're enjoying yourselves.
Now, I know most people here, but I don't believe we've had the pleasure? Oh, uh, Bet.
Erm - Elizabeth Baker.
- Very pleased to meet you.
- It's my silver wedding anniversary this evening.
- Congratulations.
I've got a little something planned for later on - that I'm hoping you can all be part of.
- Oh, right! Enjoy the rest of the evening.
Me and my mates had reached a point in the evening best described as "seemed like a good idea at the time".
Can we ditch it now? Lads, lads, let's leave it up against the bank, eh? Brilliant! Old Bill will have a fit when they see that there.
There we are.
Whaaay! Shit! What we going to do? Let's just wait here and just explain what happened.
Bollocks to that.
Let's just run! But we can't just run.
This is bad.
- Give us me wallet.
- You want your wallet? - Yeah.
Yeah? Go and get it.
What have you done? That is not funny, you wankers! What am I going to do?! Just go and get it, Trev.
Just go I'm not going in a bank in the middle of the night, am I? You're going to have to or you'll be banged up for a thousand years.
'Drink had little effect on Dad.
'He was like this most of the time anyway.
' 'But for Mum, it was a different story.
' - Enjoying it, Bet? - Well, Fred certainly is.
I'll bet Fred has a good time wherever he goes.
- Right, come on girls, drink up.
- Mary! Ugh! I have always wanted to do that.
Come on! Sometimes it's the only way to get through nights like this.
Two dwarfs in a brothel Where have you been? - Outside with the girls.
- Oh, yeah.
Listening to them all say what a lovely bloke you are.
Oh, well.
Not made of wood.
Now, ladies and gentlemen, we all know that tonight is the biggest night of the year for Bermondsey retail, but it is also a very special night for myself and Mrs Trump.
It's our silver wedding anniversary! Aww.
So, I'd like to ask my dear lady wife to join me for our very own anniversary waltz.
- This is it.
This is it.
- What's what? - Try not to kick them up the arse as they come by.
- Shh! Fred.
This is the big moment he's got planned for her.
- What's that? - He wants us all in on it.
Oh, here we go, here we go! Come on, he wants us to join them.
- Come on! - Bet.
Bet! Come back.
Excuse me.
Bet! Bet! - You all right? - I thought he was waving me on! I've made such a fool out of myself.
It's all right.
They're all laughing in there.
Oh, are they? Oh, great.
Great! - Come on, let's go back in.
- No, Fred! - Oh, take me home.
- Really? Come on.
Fucking hell.
What were you thinking? I don't know.
He came over, he said "I'd like to this special thing, I hope you'll all join in.
" I thought that's what he meant! - Come on, Trev.
- Be careful! You can do it.
.
- This ain't happening.
- Hurry up! Go on, Coxy! Whoa! Ho-ho! 'It had been a sobering night all round, 'and we'd all learned a few lessons -- 'Mum, me and poor old Trevor Cox.
' I'm going to kill you, Churcher! I've found it! See you later, Trev! You got it all out your system, then? - What? - All that dream world? - I suppose so.
- Hmm.
Saying that, I wouldn't mind another do like tonight, girl.
No, straight.
I made some lovely connections there.
- Connections? - Yeah.
I think I'll earn a few quid out of that mob there tonight.
Shoes, handbags, Port.
Here, turns out that ginger fella own half share in a caff, so we'll be rid of all that haddock by the weekend.
Are you serious? You were right, you know.
It's good to meet new people.
They say time will wait for no man They say time is on my side I can never make my mind up Cos it all goes whizzing by - From the cradle to the grave - From the cradle to the grave - I know I won't be a slave - I know I won't be a slave
'In every man's life, there comes the moment 'when his lemonade days are over, 'and for me and my mates, that time had arrived.
' Right, main thing is, don't make out like you've never been in a pub before.
Have your drink ready.
Say it like it's usual.
- Right, what you having? - Half a lager.
- What lager? - Harp.
- You? - Skol.
Guinness.
Large Scotch.
Oh! Scotch.
All right, listen, you lot.
Just have that ready when you're asked, all right? All right, go.
Go! Right, what do you lot want? - Half a lager.
- Skol.
- Pint of Guinness.
- Large Scotch.
- Are you all old enough? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
How old are you? Twenty three.
He's Micky Baker's brother.
Is Micky coming in tonight? Um, yeah, I think so.
Bit later on.
Go on, then.
Say them again -- one at a time.
- Large Scotch, darling.
- Guinness.
- Cheryl wants me to bring a bit of drink back.
- Yeah? You ain't seen nothing like it when she's had a little drop.
Danny! Danny, answer the front door, tell them I'm not in.
Why can't Michael do it? Why don't you belt up, you greasy little germ? Come on, hurry up! Danny! Hello.
Southwark Insurance.
Can I speak to your father, please? Oh.
No, he ain't in.
Now, I know he is.
I've been working my way round the estate.
I saw him come in with a paper, he hasn't come back out again.
No, no, honestly.
He ain't in.
Listen, your father's payments are in arrears.
Playing these games just wastes everybody's time and effort.
Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! If he says I ain't in, I ain't in, mate! Erm do do you know when you might be back? Next week.
I'd try again next week, if I were you.
Ta-ra! Who was it this time? Telly? Christmas club? Gas man? Insurance man, speaking to Danny like he was staff! You have to pay him sooner or later, Fred.
Later, then.
I'll sort it, Bet.
I always do.
- Fred? - Yeah? What have you done with my washing machine? Right, right, listen.
Thing is, don't do your nut.
We've only had it a month! What have you done with it? Now, Dad hadn't actually been intending to sell our new washing machine, when the night before, he walked into the Duke Of Suffolk How you getting on with those semifinal tickets? Leave it with me, Wal.
Leave it with me.
Oi, oi.
- Got me Scotch? - Got it.
You got me fish? - Yep.
- Got you 64 boxes.
- 64?! - Got a freezer, ain't you? - No.
Chest freezer? Yeah, I can get hold of one of them for you.
- What do you want for it? - What you got? - Table lamps? - Oh, be sensible.
- What about that Scotch you had? - It's gone.
Just knocked out the last couple of bottles for him and his haddock.
Let's see.
- You like a bet, don't you? - Yeah.
- How about our share of the greyhound? What greyhound? Here, Little Legs, you still in the market for a washing machine? - The old lady is.
Why? - Cos I know where I can get one.
What do you want for it? Only I'm scratching at the minute.
- That half a greyhound you own.
- Oh, leave it out, Spud.
I think it's died of old age! Never mind old age.
Can I have it? - For a washing machine? - For a washing machine.
So that's how my mum ended up without a washing machine.
What's that smell? Ah, another little treat for you under here.
- Haddock -- 64 boxes.
- Oh! - Good gear, that! - Oh, Fred! - Finest haddock.
- They'll stink the house out! Yes, which is why you're getting a new freezer coming tomorrow.
But I haven't got a washing machine and you're not going to have any clean shirts! I'm just moving things round a bit.
You know that's how I operate.
I'll get you an even better one.
Just trying to grab hold of a few quid, that's all.
How are you going to do that? Well, we ain't been burgled for a while.
Oh, no.
Please, let's not have another burglary.
Besides, you've just told the insurance man to piss off.
- Who's going to pay us out, eh? - Danny! Go find that insurance bloke and give him this.
Make sure he knows that brings us right up-to-date.
Blimey, Mary.
Where you off to? Oh, hello, Bet.
Bill's taking me to Portugal.
- Portugal?! - Yeah, we're away for four nights.
Blimey.
- Here, where you off to? - Hello, Mrs Baker.
Is Danny in? - Far as I know, love, yeah.
- Don't be too long.
You're supposed to be helping your brothers look after this shop.
What, you won the pools or something? - No, we got a tax rebate.
- Rebate? Tax? Bill and Mary Hodges were the only remotely middle class friends Mum and Dad had.
- Ah, Beatrice.
- New motor, Bill? Yes.
I have gifted the previous horseless carriage to the nation.
Pride of place at the British Museum.
Do you want us to bring you anything back from duty-free, Bet? - How about some wine? - Wine? We don't drink wine in our house, Mary.
Well, we never used to either, but we have a couple of glasses of a night now and we quiet enjoy it.
- Bill got quite legless the other night.
- How dare you! I was simply looking under the sofa for a small piece of string.
Now, we must be off, Mary.
- Well, have a lovely time.
- Thank you! - Ta-ra! - Ta-ta.
Bye.
Now that we were hardened drinkers, school suddenly seemed a bit slow and childish for me and my mates.
There was the occasional bright spot, though.
OK, please be seated.
- Yes? - Sir, we already are seated, sir.
Yeah.
Yeah.
OK, I'm well aware, as I'm sure you are, what the subject of today's lesson is.
And it's a lesson that I'm sure most of you think you don't need.
Langford does.
Human reproduction.
Now, I take it you all know what reproduction means.
Having it off.
OK, all right.
All right! Let's get this over and done with then.
Any more you'd like to add? - Knobbing.
- Get in! - We can do better than that, surely.
- What your mum did.
Chapman, see me afterwards.
OK, in front of you, you'll find some small bits of paper.
I'd like you to write down any questions you might have.
And please, don't put your name on them.
This is entirely anonymous.
Thank you.
All right, let's see what we've got, shall we? "What happens when a sperm hits another sperm?" (This is for Langford!) There is a substance, which is called seminal fluid, in which sperms will float around and slide passed each other very easily.
Next one -- "Why is Langford a queer?" Well, I'm not even going to dignify that with a response.
Just going to straight press on, thank you.
"What is a fart?" Well, you've shot yourselves in the foot there, haven't you? You've shot yourselves in the foot, because now I'm going to ask you all to write the following phrase five hundred times.
"The human body is ".
.
a wonderful instrument ".
.
that deserves ".
.
my respect.
" Sir, I can't see your writing.
Can you stand to the left a bit, sir? Bit more, sir.
Can't see the first bit.
What's so funny? Ignorance, boys.
It is a terrible think to have hanging over you head.
Mum was determined to continue with her own form of adult education.
Do you ever drink wine, Maur? What do you mean, wine? Well, you know.
With your dinner and that.
What, corn beef and chips? I don't mean now.
- No.
Indoors.
- Oh, no, wine ain't for indoors.
- It's for when you go up West, ain't it? - And holidays.
They had some in the hotel we was in last year.
- Where was that? - Bournemouth.
Do you like it? Well, we never had none of it.
But they had it there.
I'm sure you can get it from the off-licence.
Why? Fred got hold of a load of grapes? Yeah.
(Yeah.
) Hello! Is this supposed to be this far-fetched.
- It's called The Prisoner, Dad.
You just go with it.
- Go with it? The only prisoner here's the poor bastard stuck watching it.
Wine? What you bought wine for? Just thought it was time for a change.
Is this about that bastard washing machine? I've told you, I'll get hold of another one for you.
I got a few things on the bubble right now, all right? I don't want things on the bubble.
I want them un-bubbled.
Here.
Permanent.
Get your feet off my settee.
It's the only decent thing I've got.
Bet, you don't want to start drinking wine.
It's not for us.
Just try some with me, will you? Do you reckon this is how they do it up Claridge's? Careful.
- Oh, bollocks! - Oh! - Gone inside.
Oh, it's The Prisoner.
'Getting a drink was hard enough, 'but pretending you hadn't had one was nearly has hard.
' What you doing? Living the high life.
Like yourself.
- Here you go.
- Go easy.
It's got to last.
Go on, get stuck in.
You'll be talking like the Queen Mother after that.
What do you reckon? - It's lovely.
- Yeah? What do you think? I don't think that screwdriver helped.
Oh, well, I like it.
Makes a nice change.
Here, have you trod in something? - He has! - Oh, Danny! - Danny! - Dirty bastard.
Get out.
Get out, go on.
Animal.
- Don't put it down.
Hop! Hop! Ugh.
God's sake! What's that? Fish batter? - Oh.
- It's his keys, ain't it? - Yeah.
- They fell off the counter at the chip shop! - Get a couple of gherkins with them? Ah! - Well, this is a mad house! - Careful! - It's a mad house! This is what I'm talking about, Fred.
The sofa's ruined.
I can't have nothing nice, can I? Fred, I need a word.
'I am a free man!' What? I I feel like I I feel like we're on a roundabout at a fairground, grabbing at things as they go by, dropping them and grabbing at other things as they come by.
We're trying hard but we're not getting anywhere.
- Where do you want to go? - No! No, what I mean is don't you think we're missing out on things? No.
I don't.
Well, sometimes I do, Fred.
Don't you ever think of trying something new? Another thing, say? Like what? I don't know.
Like Like like going away to Portugal.
Portugal?! - I couldn't think of anything worse! - Really? What are we going to do in Portugal, Bet? Don't you want to try anything different? Meet any new people? Not particularly, no.
But if you want to, I'll give it a whack.
What do you want to do? Go away somewhere.
Anywhere.
- For a little break, the two of us.
- Where? Joycie Ball goes down the caravan some weekends.
Is that what you want? Piss up against a tree, hear everyone horse-and-carting all night long? Well, how is that different than going the Jolly Gardener's every Saturday night? Up in a clear sky Just feel the breeze Take some shelter beneath the trees All of the summer the sun's beating down Within the country of out of town Happy days in the haze of summer Here you go.
Keep the change, Chas.
We're going to take a break by the rolling sea The perfect summer Just you and me.
Ooh.
Oh.
Where's the light switch? - What? - The light switch? - Well, it's gas, innit.
- Gas? Yeah.
It's all I could get last minute.
There you go.
It's not bad.
No.
It's all right.
There.
- It's nice.
- Cosy.
- Yeah, cosy.
I thought they'd have a telly or something.
A gas one? Well, you said you wanted peace and quiet.
Just the two of us, away from the estate.
You got your wine.
You still don't look happy, girl.
What is it, Bet? What you looking for? Oh, just come and sit next to us, will you? Oh, mind me wine.
- Fred - There's a spider making a web up there.
Huh.
What's that? Here, that's Derek Taylor's motor.
What? Derek from Gillam House? Yeah, it looks like it.
Eh? - Derek! - Spud! What you doing here? - Are you just leaving? - No, we just arrived.
But we've got a week booked.
Oh, my giddy aunt.
Who'd you book it with? Joey Churcher? - Yeah.
- Dirty bastard! - It's our anniversary! - Is it? Well, you'd better come in then.
We're double booked! Is that who you got this off? Joey Churcher? Fred, you said you were having nothing more to do with him after he poisoned that donkey.
Well, he had his reasons.
Yeah.
Thing is, like I said, it's our anniversary, Bet.
- Hello, Val! - Hi, Val.
- Hi.
- Happy anniversary, but - Thanks, Bet.
.
.
where we supposed to sleep? On the roof? Oh, we'll be all right.
Don't worry about that.
- We'll sort something out.
- Yeah! We can sort this out.
Val, get the kids out the car.
- Kids? - Kid's are here.
Oh.
- Whay! - Who's this? - Wally! - Ahhh! - Evening, all! - It's Wally! - Hello, hello.
Lil's here! Lil's here! What you doing here? I've got a shocking thirst on me, Baker.
Apparently this stuff's pretty good for it.
You got a bottle opener? Did you know Wally and Lil were coming here? I had no idea! I had no idea.
Oh, well I mean, I said we were going away in a caravan.
And, you know, obviously you know, they were passing.
You know, and they're here! Where are we supposed to sleep now that Derek and Val and the kids are in with us, eh? Well, we'll sort something out.
Don't worry about it.
We'll be all right.
We'll hatch up.
We'll hatch up! - Get it down your neck, me old son.
- That's it! With Mum and Dad away, I was hoping another adult milestone would soon be passed, this time with my girlfriend, Yvonne.
It's no good, you playing these records.
I can't relax.
I keep thinking your mum's going to walk in on us again.
No, it's all right.
They're all down the caravan.
- Dymchurch? Everyone goes there.
- Yeah.
Anyway, so come on.
What's this surprise you've got for me, then? Oh, yeah.
'It was time to introduce the magic ingredient.
' - What's this? - This is Guinness, that's a pale ale.
Which one do you want? I'm not a stevedore.
It's all I could get! It'll get us drunk.
How revolting.
I don't want to get drunk.
Is that what this is all about? Just think it's time that we grow up a bit.
Time one of us grew up a bit.
I'll go watch some telly downstairs.
If you'd have got Cinzano, might have been different.
Cinzano? Roll out those lazy, hazy, crazy days of summer Those days of soda and pretzels and beer Roll out those Maybe I've figured it out.
The kids can kip in Derek's car, Derek and Yeah!.
.
Derek and Val, they can kip in the bed behind the curtain.
It's their anniversary.
No privacy, right? And me and you Whay-hey! Look who's here! - What are you all doing here? - What's going on, eh? - You booked it for the week? - Yeah.
- Don't tell me -- Joey Churcher.
- Yeah.
Dirty bastard! Hey, the Gardener's won't take a tenner tonight! Give that man a glass, Wal.
Give him a glass.
You all right over there? There you go! Come on, Bet -- cheer up! Imagine there's a war on.
Yeah.
There might as well be cos as far as I'm concerned, it can't get any worse.
Nah! Oh! - Joey Churcher - Dirty bastard! Oh, my goodness.
I know I shouldn't laugh, but it does sound funny.
I bet your bleeding floor didn't collapse in Portugal.
- No, but Bill nearly did after a couple of bottles of that.
- Did he? Oh, thanks for this.
- What is it again? - Rose wine.
You'll like it.
- Yeah.
Well, I like the little basket.
- Yeah.
And you can pop a candle in the top there.
Yeah? Does that keep it fresh? After you've drank it, you soppy cow! It's romantic! Oh, I don't know, Mary.
It's a whole different world.
A bowl of cockles outside the pub is about as romantic as Fred gets.
Well, why don't you come with us this Saturday.
- I could use the company.
- Yeah? Where you going? Bermondsey Small Retailers Annual Dinner Dance.
That sounds marvellous.
Oh, you've obviously never been to one.
For once in my life I have someone who needs me Someone I've needed so This is a bit more near the mark, eh? Sorry I can't get us all on the same table, Bet, what with the late notice, but we can all mingle later on.
Yeah, we'll be all right on our own, Mary.
All right, love.
Hope that's had all its injections.
- Ease up a bit Fred, eh? - What? 'In spite of my setback with Yvonne, I'd not become disillusioned 'about the many and varied advantages 'of going out and getting a right old skin-full.
' Lads, lads, we've got a ladder! - Put it down! - Don't drop it! - Whay-hey! - Whaaaay! - Leave it out.
- Oh, come on.
Here, 'scuse me, Chas.
Where'd you get your skimmish? - Your drink? - Waiters are bringing it round, Fred.
And don't call everybody Chas.
Well, I'm just And as I never tire of telling people, we can't all be a Harrods, or a Selfridges, or the big Ravel Shoes in Tower Bridge Road I'm going to have to get a light ale, Betty.
I'm screeching.
Anybody want anything when I'm up the ramp? I'm sure they don't, Fred.
- Mackeson.
- Mackeson's.
- I'll have a bitter.
- Pint of lager.
- Lager.
You're not going to leave me on my own, are you? I thought this is what you wanted, meet new people.
- .
.
the Sarson's Vinegar factory - Won't be a minute.
.
.
in Mombasa Street.
Your husband he's quite a character, isn't he? We both run a stationers and he was telling us how he could get 1,000 ballpoint pens for £25.
- Is that right? - How on earth could he do that and still make money? Oh he moves things around.
Good evening, everyone.
I hope you're enjoying yourselves.
Now, I know most people here, but I don't believe we've had the pleasure? Oh, uh, Bet.
Erm - Elizabeth Baker.
- Very pleased to meet you.
- It's my silver wedding anniversary this evening.
- Congratulations.
I've got a little something planned for later on - that I'm hoping you can all be part of.
- Oh, right! Enjoy the rest of the evening.
Me and my mates had reached a point in the evening best described as "seemed like a good idea at the time".
Can we ditch it now? Lads, lads, let's leave it up against the bank, eh? Brilliant! Old Bill will have a fit when they see that there.
There we are.
Whaaay! Shit! What we going to do? Let's just wait here and just explain what happened.
Bollocks to that.
Let's just run! But we can't just run.
This is bad.
- Give us me wallet.
- You want your wallet? - Yeah.
Yeah? Go and get it.
What have you done? That is not funny, you wankers! What am I going to do?! Just go and get it, Trev.
Just go I'm not going in a bank in the middle of the night, am I? You're going to have to or you'll be banged up for a thousand years.
'Drink had little effect on Dad.
'He was like this most of the time anyway.
' 'But for Mum, it was a different story.
' - Enjoying it, Bet? - Well, Fred certainly is.
I'll bet Fred has a good time wherever he goes.
- Right, come on girls, drink up.
- Mary! Ugh! I have always wanted to do that.
Come on! Sometimes it's the only way to get through nights like this.
Two dwarfs in a brothel Where have you been? - Outside with the girls.
- Oh, yeah.
Listening to them all say what a lovely bloke you are.
Oh, well.
Not made of wood.
Now, ladies and gentlemen, we all know that tonight is the biggest night of the year for Bermondsey retail, but it is also a very special night for myself and Mrs Trump.
It's our silver wedding anniversary! Aww.
So, I'd like to ask my dear lady wife to join me for our very own anniversary waltz.
- This is it.
This is it.
- What's what? - Try not to kick them up the arse as they come by.
- Shh! Fred.
This is the big moment he's got planned for her.
- What's that? - He wants us all in on it.
Oh, here we go, here we go! Come on, he wants us to join them.
- Come on! - Bet.
Bet! Come back.
Excuse me.
Bet! Bet! - You all right? - I thought he was waving me on! I've made such a fool out of myself.
It's all right.
They're all laughing in there.
Oh, are they? Oh, great.
Great! - Come on, let's go back in.
- No, Fred! - Oh, take me home.
- Really? Come on.
Fucking hell.
What were you thinking? I don't know.
He came over, he said "I'd like to this special thing, I hope you'll all join in.
" I thought that's what he meant! - Come on, Trev.
- Be careful! You can do it.
.
- This ain't happening.
- Hurry up! Go on, Coxy! Whoa! Ho-ho! 'It had been a sobering night all round, 'and we'd all learned a few lessons -- 'Mum, me and poor old Trevor Cox.
' I'm going to kill you, Churcher! I've found it! See you later, Trev! You got it all out your system, then? - What? - All that dream world? - I suppose so.
- Hmm.
Saying that, I wouldn't mind another do like tonight, girl.
No, straight.
I made some lovely connections there.
- Connections? - Yeah.
I think I'll earn a few quid out of that mob there tonight.
Shoes, handbags, Port.
Here, turns out that ginger fella own half share in a caff, so we'll be rid of all that haddock by the weekend.
Are you serious? You were right, you know.
It's good to meet new people.
They say time will wait for no man They say time is on my side I can never make my mind up Cos it all goes whizzing by - From the cradle to the grave - From the cradle to the grave - I know I won't be a slave - I know I won't be a slave