Crashing (2016) s02e08 Episode Script
Roast Battle
1 It kind of sounded like you were getting down and dirty last night.
- Ha ha.
- Hey, Pete.
Did you just now arrive or? - No.
- No.
Are you seriously telling me that you haven't, I don't know, drop your good boy routine long enough to get into something that's none of my business? What are you to her that you walk over to me on her behalf? I'm trying to impress her.
I'm a comic.
I'm trying to get into the college market.
NACA changed my life.
I booked like 80 colleges.
Who here has a car? Anybody have a car? You ever treat yourself and get - full service? Gas it up.
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Gas it up.
I got six so far and - I'm working on more.
- Six? Yes.
Thanks for coming, Artie.
Well, listen, man.
I I worry about you, too.
What's going on? Uh I'm kind of freaking out.
You are? About the You know, the roast.
It's not really my natural habitat to be, uh - Funny? I mean, uh - To be mean.
See, no, but that's good, that's why I wanted to talk to you.
I wanna see if I can I'm trying be mean, and I thought I could run some by you.
I can't help you with roast jokes, you know.
I'm a judge on the same show, you know that.
I have a code of ethics, despite what you might think.
I really do.
I know, I'm not asking for you to write jokes for me.
I just Yes, you are, that's what you're asking.
Just a sounding board, just a sounding board.
Honestly, you're gonna be fine.
I'm serious.
You just need a little ammo going in.
You're better at this than you think.
You need fat guy stuff, ugly guy stuff, gay stuff, uh, fat ugly gay stuff.
[STAMMERING.]
All the word I don't wanna call somebody fat, somebody I don't even know, somebody ugly.
So? I don't it's just not It doesn't feel good.
The only part of a roast that I like is when you say the nice parts at the end.
- Oh, okay.
- Maybe I'll just do that.
I didn't know I was having brunch with Michael Landon.
If this freaks you out so much, why are you even doing it? Well, Ali's doing it, and I wanted to show her that I could do it, too.
She She She thinks I'm like a fluffy butterfly man of course she does.
that has no spine.
She doesn't think I have any grit.
I wanna show I wanna do good for her.
You have to do this for yourself.
You gotta get at the jugular vein with this.
Honestly, you know what happened to me once? I was on a dais with Rich Vos, And he said this about me: he said, the worst thing about 9-11 was Artie Lange lives in New Jersey.
If I said that, I wouldn't sleep for a week.
If you said that, you might have a development deal.
I don't like being mean.
[LAUGHING.]
ALL: Battle! Battle! Battle! Battle! Battle! Battle! Battle! Uh, you know, Mike Lawrence, you're a really good writer.
I've always loved your writing, especially all that stuff you do on cardboards at red lights.
[LAUGHTER.]
Pew, pew! Sarah is like a good breakfast.
She's got pancake tits, a butter face, and a limited supply of eggs.
[LAUGHTER.]
Mike, you, uh, you have such a beach body.
And by that I mean the body of somebody that's been murdered, and washes up on the shore.
[LAUGHTER.]
Sarah's from Georgia.
You know, it's been tough for her finding a man.
She just can't seem to find Mr.
Alt Right.
[LAUGHTER.]
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Are you nervous? Uh-huh.
I'm freaking out.
Okay.
Just get a drink.
- Yeah, maybe I will.
- Yeah.
Uh, who's your first battler? Uh, ooh, uh, Damien Lemon.
Ah.
I think he's Yeah, he's right over there.
He looks, you know he doesn't look too mean.
Uh, maybe I'll get a Pino Grig.
Feels appropriate.
Whatever's fresh.
Chard.
Hey, hey, sorry.
They're almost done upstairs.
You're next.
- Oh, okay.
- Cool, yeah.
How'd it go? Man, Matteo called me Cedric the Entertainer.
Knocked me right out.
Fucking twerp.
I don't look like him.
- No.
- I don't think you do.
At least you can relax now.
Relax? You don't want $5,000? Yeah, of course, but, you know whew, you know, you're done.
I'm I'm Pete, we haven't met.
That's Pete.
- Hey, Pete.
- I'm Ali's boyfriend.
It's your boyfr He's straight? You look like you coach girls' field hockey.
You look like He-Man's flabby brother.
- He-Flab.
- Ooh! [LAUGHS.]
Everybody's, uh, still in roast mode.
[ALI LAUGHS.]
You look like you're the mascot for soup.
How much food for winter are you storing in your neck? Girl, fuck me instead, I got a bigger dick than he does.
I'm on fire! Let me roast you next time.
You suck.
All right, I'm gonna get a drink.
You'll do great.
It looks like we found Waldo, you guys, in a ditch.
[LAUGHTER.]
Yeah, I was lying next to your career.
[LAUGHTER AND CHEERS.]
- [APPLAUSE AND CHEERS.]
- Woo! Wow.
That was a bloodbath.
Artie, who do you like in this one? In honor of, uh, everyone in Jersey, I'm going with the broad.
Sarah.
Good job.
Sarah.
[APPLAUSE.]
Beth Stelling? Sarah, blink twice if this is actually a hostage situation.
[LAUGHS.]
Listen, I I never side with the victim, so I'm going with Mike.
- [APPLAUSE.]
- Ooh, tied up, Jeff.
Who do you like? Well, you both had some great jokes, you both killed.
This is tricky.
Sarah's from the South, but Mike looks like the Confederate general she named her cat after.
[LAUGHTER.]
I think Mike squeaked this one out.
Congrats, Unabomber.
- [APPLAUSE AND CHEERING.]
- That's Mike Lawrence! That brings us to our next challengers.
She's a left-leaning Jew, his dad left when he was two.
It's Black Lives Matter versus Stepford Wives.
Make it loud for Damien Lemon and Ali Reissen! [APPLAUSE AND CHEERING.]
Battlers, are we ready? Oh, yeah, I mean, I think this is gonna be a fair battle, 'cause even though I have more experience roasting, Damien has more experience speaking in front of judges, so [LAUGHTER.]
Hear, hear.
[CHUCKLES.]
Guilty.
Speaking of judges, this is the closest I've felt like O.
J.
Simpson, because I'm about to murder this white bitch and walk off Scot-free! [AUDIENCE GROANS, CHEERS.]
Not guilty! Not guilty! Not guilty! All right, all right.
Save that heat.
Who wants to go first? Ladies first.
Oh, I totally agree.
Damien? - Whoa! Damien, you're up.
Let's roast! - Fair enough.
[CHANTING.]
Roast! Roast! Roast! Roast! Roast! Roast! Roast! Roast! - Ali, I'm on MTV.
- Mm.
I think you should be, too.
You know? You got the body of a Teen Mom, you got the face of a Catfish, and your pussy is Wild 'n Out! Wild 'n! Wild 'n! Wild 'n! Wild 'n! That joke was weaker than Damien's credit score.
- Now, listen - [LAUGHTER.]
It's true, Damien, you book a lot of roles, even though you're a shitty actor.
Before each take, the director has to yell, "Affirmative action!" [LAUGHTER.]
Ali, you look like if white privilege had a HR department.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- Damien, you look like a black ghost that haunts barber shops.
[LAUGHTER.]
Ali, your name is beautiful.
You know, your parents named you after the place you were conceived.
[LAUGHTER.]
Hey, Tony.
Pete Holmes.
Uh, we're roasting each other.
Have you done this before? I'd rather not talk.
Excuse me? It's just, anything I say could be something that you use against me.
Oh, no, I I already wrote my jokes.
They're not even that mean.
Are Are yours? Serious.
Truce, you know, we can just shoot the breeze.
I I I don't See? Now I know you say things like "shoot the breeze," and that you have really soft hands.
They're sweaty, too.
JEFF ROSS: You had some great jokes, some really great jokes, super hilarious.
You got my vote.
- [APPLAUSE.]
- Thank you.
BRIAN: Beth Stelling, who do you like? I pick Ali! - Ah! - Ali wins! - Hug each other! - Sorry! Sorry! - LEIF: Peter! - Hey.
Ah.
What? Hi! Hey, man, sorry we're late.
Did we miss anything? No.
What What are you doing here? We came here to support you, brother.
Yeah, Leif saw it on your Instagram.
And, I mean, frankly, I couldn't imagine you roasting anyone, so Yeah.
Yep.
You never used to come to my shows, so it's a little bit you know, it's jarring to see you, you know.
I I'm being supportive.
Yeah you are, thank you.
Thank you both.
Why don't we see if the - Hey, who's this? - Hey, man, I'm Leif.
This is Jess.
- Hi.
Jess.
- Are you competing, too? Yeah, Pete and I are roasting each other tonight.
Roasting each other.
Oh, boy.
Careful though, 'cause he looks really sweet, but he's not.
He practices his roasting on me all the time.
- TONY: I see.
- And who are you, exactly? - No.
- No, it's a short, fun, cool story.
I don't really think that's a fun story.
Not for the guy who's roasting me.
Well, he's We're intertwined souls.
- PETE: No.
No.
No.
- We were married.
- No! - Ah! This is the - Now we're roommates.
- No! - Stop that! - We were.
It's not a big deal.
- He's our friend.
- This is worlds colliding, I like my One galaxy, though, Peter.
It's the same galaxy.
- Worlds colliding - It doesn't matter now.
Why don't we see if there are seats for you guys? - Okay, great.
- Good to see you.
Hey, good luck! Good to meet you guys.
Tony Hinchcliffe looks like a schoolboy, and Pete Holmes looks homeschooled.
[LAUGHTER.]
Make it loud for Pete Holmes and Tony Hinchcliffe! [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.]
All right, are we ready to do this, gentlemen? - Yes.
- Yeah.
I, uh, I met Pete before the show.
His hand's so clammy that he doesn't masturbate, he just waterboards his own dick.
[LAUGHTER.]
Are Are we starting? Yes.
I thought you had to say, "Let's roast, everybody.
" Well, you could be funny anytime you want, Pete, there's a microphone in front of you.
[LAUGHTER.]
I'd like to play by the rules.
- Jesus! - Okay, good good intro.
Who wants to go first? Let Pete go first, he has to get back to being the Muppet that's gonna gentrify Sesame Street.
[LAUGHTER.]
I I don't mind I don't mind going first.
Uh, unlike all the women here, I don't mind if Tony follows me.
[QUIET LAUGHTER.]
Soft jab.
Pete, Tony, let's roast! [BELL RINGS.]
[CHEERS, APPLAUSE.]
Hey, Tony, um why the extremely long face? [SCATTERED LAUGHTER.]
Is that it? PETE: Uh, yeah, you look forlorn.
Pete is somehow both creepy and nonthreatening.
He's like the blond mustache on a paraplegic man.
[LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE.]
Tony Hinchcliffe, uh, you look like Tony Robbins.
And simultaneously someone who desperately needs the help of Tony Robbins.
[LAUGHTER.]
Ah-ha! Pete looks like if someone put all of Donald Trump's sons in the microwave at the same time.
- [LOUD LAUGHTER.]
- Yeah! Tony, uh, Tony looks like he's hiding the fact that he got bit by a zombie four hours ago.
[LAUGHTER.]
[LAUGHS.]
Pete's career is a lot like his ex-wife's pussy.
They're both gonna be opening for losers for the rest of their lives.
[AUDIENCE GROANS, LAUGHS.]
Too soon.
[LAUGHS.]
What? It's funny.
BRIAN: Pete! Last joke.
Uh, Tony, you're so thin and white, I'm only standing here to make sure Artie doesn't snort you.
[LOUD LAUGHTER.]
[MOUTHS.]
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.]
That was incredible.
Judges, what do we think about this one? Dude, what the fuck was that? You were so nice offstage.
ARTIE: Yeah, when did you grow some balls? BETH: Seriously, look at him, he looks like a priest.
That makes sense, actually, 'cause he just fucked this little boy.
[GROANS, LAUGHTER.]
Pete, this is your first battle ever? - Yeah.
- I mean, it was a close one, but the Tony Robbins joke, the cocaine thing at the end, the zombie joke You killed it, buddy.
Congratulations, you're moving on.
[CHEERING.]
His first battle! His first win! - [CHEERING.]
- Pete Holmes! Pete, you're moving on to round two to face Ali Reissen! [CHEERING, APPLAUDING.]
I can't believe you beat Tony.
Holy shit! I don't I didn't It didn't feel good.
I feel like - Hey.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- You did so great.
- Oh, thank you.
- Yeah.
Oh my God! - That was amazing, what was that? - [STAMMERS.]
I don't know, I Do you have Tony's e-mail? - I don't want to - Are you kidding me right now? You wanna e-mail him? You won fair and square.
Let him lick his wounds.
Besides, now you get to go against moi.
- Mm.
- You two are roasting each other? - Yeah.
- I have nothing.
- Oh my God.
- I have nothing.
You're fine.
What do you mean you have nothing? It's gonna be so fun.
I didn't think I'd get this far.
And now, the judges the judges are gonna destroy me.
If any of the judges fuck with you, you just tell Jeff Ross he looks like somebody skinned a penis.
- [LAUGHS.]
That's funny.
- Thank you.
- Can I have that? - Of course.
- I can have that.
- Absolutely.
- Okay.
- Keep it loose.
This is fun, okay? All right, I have to look over these jokes.
What are you Is that for me? Mm, maybe.
You still kiss your mom on the lips, right? - Don't - That's kind of what I'm working with.
- It's gonna be good.
See you later.
Bye.
- Bye.
Bye.
Uh, she seems pretty pumped.
I hope you actually have jokes.
I got nothing.
I don't know if I can do this.
- Why? - Why? 'Cause she's my you That's my girlfriend.
I don't want to roast my girlfriend.
If you say something mean to her, you're treating her like an equal.
That's that's what you're supposed to do.
She's a peer.
I'm protective of my peer.
I want her to be good, and safe, and whole, and complete, not called some ugly bitch.
I got nothing.
If you really love her, then you gotta get up there, and you shit all over her.
Oh, boy.
[CHEERS, APPLAUSE.]
BRIAN: Yes! I love this show! - Hey.
- Hi.
BRIAN: I love hatred.
[CHEERING.]
Love this show.
I just want to say, you know, have fun.
And, um, my middle name is Benedict.
I don't know if you knew, but that might be something.
Nah, I don't need help.
I have plenty.
BRIAN: I'm excited for this next battle, because these two comics are dating.
I didn't know that, did you? I didn't.
Who's ready to see a live domestic dispute? [CHEERING.]
Who wants to see a bloodbath? - [CHEERING.]
- Let's bring 'em out! Pete Holmes! Ali Reissen! Woo! Roast! Roast! AUDIENCE: Roast! Roast! Roast! Roast! Roast! Roast! - Yes! - Roast! Roast! Roast! Roast! Roast! Roast! Roast! Roast! Roast! - Let's roast! - [BELL DINGS.]
[CHEERING.]
Guys, it's so good to be here.
Um Ooh, boy.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well, obviously you can see that Pete looks like a sweet golden retriever.
He's also like that in the bedroom.
- [LAUGHTER, GROANS.]
- It's true, he is.
When he goes down on me, he slobbers so much that the only way I can come is if I'm, like, "Babe, go fetch my vibrator.
" - JEFF: Brutal! Brutal! - Oh, my God.
You should get laid, babe.
Oh, Jeff, you look like somebody skinned a penis.
[AUDIENCE GROANS.]
Oh, also, um, Pete sits down to pee.
It's fine.
No, yeah, you do.
It's not even a joke.
I think he sits down 'cause it's easier to put the tampons in that way.
- [AUDIENCE GROANS.]
- [LAUGHS.]
I'm sorry, I feel like we need a safe word or something.
No, no, no.
You're right.
You're right.
Um, the safe word should be "stop being a fucking pussy.
" [AUDIENCE GROANS.]
JEFF: Come on, one joke at a time.
The rules.
Pete goes.
Uh um, I'm not the first comedian that Ali has been with.
Uh, in fact, her list of former lovers reads like an open mike sign-up sheet.
[LAUGHTER.]
- JEFF: Sign me up! - Which makes sense, 'cause the only thing you need to get on her is to buy her two drinks.
[AUDIENCE GROANS.]
AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Two drink minimum! Two drink minimum! Two-drink minimum! Pete is a Christian comic, obviously.
Um And, you know, he really abides by the commandment when he's on stage, "Thou shalt not kill.
" [LAUGHTER.]
News flash, Pete: Jesus isn't coming back, and neither is your wife.
[AUDIENCE GROANS.]
That's right.
They both got nailed and are in a better place.
[LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE.]
[MUFFLED VOICES.]
MAN [MUFFLED.]
: Pete, go.
Pete, go.
Come on! [VOICES MURMURING.]
Uh Wow.
Ali, uh, it's hard to make fun of you because you already have body dysmorphia, which means, Artie, that she thinks she's fat.
I always have to reassure her, "Baby, you're not fat, you're stupid.
" [LAUGHTER, GROANS.]
- Wow.
- Pete has a lot of moles on his face.
A lot of moles, but they're not cancerous, they're completely benign, just like his act.
[LAUGHTER.]
She thinks she has cellulite.
I always reassure her, that's not cellulite, that's acne scarring.
[AUDIENCE GROANS.]
Well, I mean, it's true I thought about having plastic surgery, but I don't really think there's a need for, like, Botox, because, um, the poison that I put in my body is Pete.
- [AUDIENCE GROANS.]
- Hey-oh! PETE: Ali, I'm so happy to see you finally acting like your vagina onstage, so comfortable and loose.
[GROANING.]
Pete, your ex-wife called.
She said she's really sorry about cheating on you.
At least I think that's what she said.
I couldn't hear her 'cause she had so much cock in her mouth, so [GROANS, APPLAUSE.]
BRIAN: Last joke of the battle.
Ali, you did great tonight.
You did really, really great, really, really funny.
Eh, not really.
I haven't seen someone choke this hard since I sucked on your nipple hair.
[GROANS, APPLAUSE.]
Ali's, uh, right nipple is so hairy AUDIENCE: How hairy is it? She named the left one "And the Hendersons.
" [LAUGHING.]
[CHEERING.]
[LAUGHS.]
Ho-ho-ho! Wow, you two! - Really! Woo! - [APPLAUSE CONTINUES.]
[ALI LAUGHS.]
What do we think about that one? Beth? Wow, Pete, you were like Jesus.
You died, and then three jokes later, rose again.
- [LAUGHS.]
- [APPLAUSE.]
Artie Lange, who do you like? ARTIE: Uh, I I don't know.
I I like Pete, uh, but I don't want him back on my fucking couch, to tell you the truth, uh, so it's a dilemma.
- I gotta give it to Ali.
- [APPLAUSE, CHEERS.]
BRIAN: Tied up, Jeff.
Who do you wanna see win this thing? Well, first of all, this was the best battle of the night for me, so give it up for these two, you killed it.
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.]
Vicious.
Ali, you had some killers that got super personal, but, Pete, you really went for the jugular today, and, uh, I'm proud of you, buddy.
You got my vote.
- Pete Holmes is the winner! - [BELL DINGS.]
[CHEERING.]
Pete's gonna face Mike Lawrence in the finals! [CHEERING.]
Yeah! Hey, whoa.
Congrats, Pete.
Yeah, that was so awesome, man, cold-blooded.
Thanks.
Excuse I'm sorry, I have to find Ali.
- Excuse me.
- Oh.
[CHATTERING.]
Hi! You were incredible.
That was incredible! Oh my God.
The back and the forth.
Phew! It was like rough sex.
- I Yeah - In a good way.
You are sexy when you're mean.
- Al - What? You just you just used a lot of stuff that I told you, private stuff, in confidence, against me.
You just - Pete - You totally sold me out.
You did the same thing to me, it's a roast battle.
I did it to you because you did it to me.
I was just What is this? I know you are, but what am I? What are you talking about? I didn't It didn't feel the same, I was retaliating.
- Um - I followed your lead, you know? I wasn't I didn't even write most of that.
I'm just scrambling to think of mean shit to say to keep up.
That's even worse.
Then you were just speaking from the heart.
- I just - [SCOFFS.]
I didn't want to throw you under the bus.
- I don't care! I'm fine! - I didn't want you I didn't want you to throw me under the bus.
I thought we had different rules than Damien Lemon.
- I I thought - What kind of comedian can't take a joke? Are you even a comedian? Fuck you.
That's what you say to me right now? - No - I'm not Tony Hinchcliffe.
- No! - We have an alliance! - And you just - Not when we're onstage, performing! What, do you want me to go up and be, like, - Okay.
- "Oh, Pete's a great guy!" No laughs, like, that doesn't make sense! I don't think you had to say that my wife had cock in her mouth or that - She did! - Yeah.
It's funny! I don't know how I walk away from that and just forget that you said it.
I'm just gonna delete the memory of that? - You want to go to dinner tomorrow - God, this is so exhausting! Yes! and just act like you didn't say that shit? - Yes! - That you want my moles What, do you think I'm sitting here obsessing about my cellulite? - That was - I mean, get over yourself.
- Great.
- You're just as selfish, and fucked up, and mean, as everybody around you.
They just have the balls to say that they have those qualities, while you act like you're better than everybody! You're afraid of God, so you hide your feelings.
I don't want to date.
I'm sorry.
- I just - This is good.
No, this is good.
How is that good? I Because I don't want to be with someone who doesn't fucking know who they are.
Pete, they're ready for you.
I I'm with I'm against Mike Lawrence, - I have to - Oh, yeah.
Go be nice.
Pete is the first person to have stepdad bod.
Pete, you Pillsbury dough adult.
The only difference between you and white bread, is that white bread has less carbs.
[LAUGHTER.]
He looks like he was kicked out of the Mormon Church for not being cool enough.
[LAUGHTER.]
The only adventure Pete's ever been on was trying Chipotle.
[LAUGHTER.]
Your comedy is like conversion therapy.
It's not working for you.
[LAUGHTER.]
MAN: Okay, Pete.
I'm just going to do a quick assessment of the vehicle before I give you the keys.
I would highly recommend getting second-party insurance in the event that you have an incident with another vehicle.
- So? - Yeah.
Whatever you recommend.
[CHATTERING.]
Excuse me? Excuse me.
Hi.
Um, I'm a little turned around.
I'm looking for, uh Bundt? Bundt Cafeteria? It's up the hill, to the left.
Thanks.
I'm competing with steamed vegetables.
Serving up hot and fresh jokes, uh, and also broccoli.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- There's also broccoli here today.
It's kind of weird, I I don't have any kids, but doesn't it kind of feel like I do? Like, don't I kind of feel already like a dorky like a dorky dad? Just like a fun dad at a barbecue? Just like [LAUGHS GOOFILY.]
Fresca.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- Throwing Frescas to children.
I'm kind of intimidated.
You guys are younger than me, but you have Some of you have beards.
I can't I can't grow a beard.
I haven't shaved in weeks.
That's real.
This is This is what happens.
Nothing.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- Which isn't really a problem, unless, sometimes I think, what happens if I'm stranded on a desert island, and I have to live there for, like, six years It's been an hour, you can stop whenever.
Okay.
Thank you.
Uh, I'll do a little bit more.
If, uh, if that's okay.
Uh You know, if if I'm on a deserted island for six years, the rescue chopper's gonna come, I'm gonna come out baby-faced, loincloth.
I look like a guy who's been there 15 minutes.
[LAUGHTER.]
Just couldn't wait to wear a loincloth.
[LAUGHTER.]
Rescue me! [LAUGHTER.]
Well, it's all right Riding around in the breeze Well, it's all right If you live the life you please Well, it's all right Doing the best you can Well, it's all right As long as you lend a hand You can sit around and wait for the phone to ring At the end of the line Waiting for someone to tell you everything At the end of the line Sit around and wonder what tomorrow will bring At the end of the line Maybe a diamond ring Well, it's all right Even if the sun don't shine Well, it's all right We're going to the end of the line
- Ha ha.
- Hey, Pete.
Did you just now arrive or? - No.
- No.
Are you seriously telling me that you haven't, I don't know, drop your good boy routine long enough to get into something that's none of my business? What are you to her that you walk over to me on her behalf? I'm trying to impress her.
I'm a comic.
I'm trying to get into the college market.
NACA changed my life.
I booked like 80 colleges.
Who here has a car? Anybody have a car? You ever treat yourself and get - full service? Gas it up.
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Gas it up.
I got six so far and - I'm working on more.
- Six? Yes.
Thanks for coming, Artie.
Well, listen, man.
I I worry about you, too.
What's going on? Uh I'm kind of freaking out.
You are? About the You know, the roast.
It's not really my natural habitat to be, uh - Funny? I mean, uh - To be mean.
See, no, but that's good, that's why I wanted to talk to you.
I wanna see if I can I'm trying be mean, and I thought I could run some by you.
I can't help you with roast jokes, you know.
I'm a judge on the same show, you know that.
I have a code of ethics, despite what you might think.
I really do.
I know, I'm not asking for you to write jokes for me.
I just Yes, you are, that's what you're asking.
Just a sounding board, just a sounding board.
Honestly, you're gonna be fine.
I'm serious.
You just need a little ammo going in.
You're better at this than you think.
You need fat guy stuff, ugly guy stuff, gay stuff, uh, fat ugly gay stuff.
[STAMMERING.]
All the word I don't wanna call somebody fat, somebody I don't even know, somebody ugly.
So? I don't it's just not It doesn't feel good.
The only part of a roast that I like is when you say the nice parts at the end.
- Oh, okay.
- Maybe I'll just do that.
I didn't know I was having brunch with Michael Landon.
If this freaks you out so much, why are you even doing it? Well, Ali's doing it, and I wanted to show her that I could do it, too.
She She She thinks I'm like a fluffy butterfly man of course she does.
that has no spine.
She doesn't think I have any grit.
I wanna show I wanna do good for her.
You have to do this for yourself.
You gotta get at the jugular vein with this.
Honestly, you know what happened to me once? I was on a dais with Rich Vos, And he said this about me: he said, the worst thing about 9-11 was Artie Lange lives in New Jersey.
If I said that, I wouldn't sleep for a week.
If you said that, you might have a development deal.
I don't like being mean.
[LAUGHING.]
ALL: Battle! Battle! Battle! Battle! Battle! Battle! Battle! Uh, you know, Mike Lawrence, you're a really good writer.
I've always loved your writing, especially all that stuff you do on cardboards at red lights.
[LAUGHTER.]
Pew, pew! Sarah is like a good breakfast.
She's got pancake tits, a butter face, and a limited supply of eggs.
[LAUGHTER.]
Mike, you, uh, you have such a beach body.
And by that I mean the body of somebody that's been murdered, and washes up on the shore.
[LAUGHTER.]
Sarah's from Georgia.
You know, it's been tough for her finding a man.
She just can't seem to find Mr.
Alt Right.
[LAUGHTER.]
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Are you nervous? Uh-huh.
I'm freaking out.
Okay.
Just get a drink.
- Yeah, maybe I will.
- Yeah.
Uh, who's your first battler? Uh, ooh, uh, Damien Lemon.
Ah.
I think he's Yeah, he's right over there.
He looks, you know he doesn't look too mean.
Uh, maybe I'll get a Pino Grig.
Feels appropriate.
Whatever's fresh.
Chard.
Hey, hey, sorry.
They're almost done upstairs.
You're next.
- Oh, okay.
- Cool, yeah.
How'd it go? Man, Matteo called me Cedric the Entertainer.
Knocked me right out.
Fucking twerp.
I don't look like him.
- No.
- I don't think you do.
At least you can relax now.
Relax? You don't want $5,000? Yeah, of course, but, you know whew, you know, you're done.
I'm I'm Pete, we haven't met.
That's Pete.
- Hey, Pete.
- I'm Ali's boyfriend.
It's your boyfr He's straight? You look like you coach girls' field hockey.
You look like He-Man's flabby brother.
- He-Flab.
- Ooh! [LAUGHS.]
Everybody's, uh, still in roast mode.
[ALI LAUGHS.]
You look like you're the mascot for soup.
How much food for winter are you storing in your neck? Girl, fuck me instead, I got a bigger dick than he does.
I'm on fire! Let me roast you next time.
You suck.
All right, I'm gonna get a drink.
You'll do great.
It looks like we found Waldo, you guys, in a ditch.
[LAUGHTER.]
Yeah, I was lying next to your career.
[LAUGHTER AND CHEERS.]
- [APPLAUSE AND CHEERS.]
- Woo! Wow.
That was a bloodbath.
Artie, who do you like in this one? In honor of, uh, everyone in Jersey, I'm going with the broad.
Sarah.
Good job.
Sarah.
[APPLAUSE.]
Beth Stelling? Sarah, blink twice if this is actually a hostage situation.
[LAUGHS.]
Listen, I I never side with the victim, so I'm going with Mike.
- [APPLAUSE.]
- Ooh, tied up, Jeff.
Who do you like? Well, you both had some great jokes, you both killed.
This is tricky.
Sarah's from the South, but Mike looks like the Confederate general she named her cat after.
[LAUGHTER.]
I think Mike squeaked this one out.
Congrats, Unabomber.
- [APPLAUSE AND CHEERING.]
- That's Mike Lawrence! That brings us to our next challengers.
She's a left-leaning Jew, his dad left when he was two.
It's Black Lives Matter versus Stepford Wives.
Make it loud for Damien Lemon and Ali Reissen! [APPLAUSE AND CHEERING.]
Battlers, are we ready? Oh, yeah, I mean, I think this is gonna be a fair battle, 'cause even though I have more experience roasting, Damien has more experience speaking in front of judges, so [LAUGHTER.]
Hear, hear.
[CHUCKLES.]
Guilty.
Speaking of judges, this is the closest I've felt like O.
J.
Simpson, because I'm about to murder this white bitch and walk off Scot-free! [AUDIENCE GROANS, CHEERS.]
Not guilty! Not guilty! Not guilty! All right, all right.
Save that heat.
Who wants to go first? Ladies first.
Oh, I totally agree.
Damien? - Whoa! Damien, you're up.
Let's roast! - Fair enough.
[CHANTING.]
Roast! Roast! Roast! Roast! Roast! Roast! Roast! Roast! - Ali, I'm on MTV.
- Mm.
I think you should be, too.
You know? You got the body of a Teen Mom, you got the face of a Catfish, and your pussy is Wild 'n Out! Wild 'n! Wild 'n! Wild 'n! Wild 'n! That joke was weaker than Damien's credit score.
- Now, listen - [LAUGHTER.]
It's true, Damien, you book a lot of roles, even though you're a shitty actor.
Before each take, the director has to yell, "Affirmative action!" [LAUGHTER.]
Ali, you look like if white privilege had a HR department.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- Damien, you look like a black ghost that haunts barber shops.
[LAUGHTER.]
Ali, your name is beautiful.
You know, your parents named you after the place you were conceived.
[LAUGHTER.]
Hey, Tony.
Pete Holmes.
Uh, we're roasting each other.
Have you done this before? I'd rather not talk.
Excuse me? It's just, anything I say could be something that you use against me.
Oh, no, I I already wrote my jokes.
They're not even that mean.
Are Are yours? Serious.
Truce, you know, we can just shoot the breeze.
I I I don't See? Now I know you say things like "shoot the breeze," and that you have really soft hands.
They're sweaty, too.
JEFF ROSS: You had some great jokes, some really great jokes, super hilarious.
You got my vote.
- [APPLAUSE.]
- Thank you.
BRIAN: Beth Stelling, who do you like? I pick Ali! - Ah! - Ali wins! - Hug each other! - Sorry! Sorry! - LEIF: Peter! - Hey.
Ah.
What? Hi! Hey, man, sorry we're late.
Did we miss anything? No.
What What are you doing here? We came here to support you, brother.
Yeah, Leif saw it on your Instagram.
And, I mean, frankly, I couldn't imagine you roasting anyone, so Yeah.
Yep.
You never used to come to my shows, so it's a little bit you know, it's jarring to see you, you know.
I I'm being supportive.
Yeah you are, thank you.
Thank you both.
Why don't we see if the - Hey, who's this? - Hey, man, I'm Leif.
This is Jess.
- Hi.
Jess.
- Are you competing, too? Yeah, Pete and I are roasting each other tonight.
Roasting each other.
Oh, boy.
Careful though, 'cause he looks really sweet, but he's not.
He practices his roasting on me all the time.
- TONY: I see.
- And who are you, exactly? - No.
- No, it's a short, fun, cool story.
I don't really think that's a fun story.
Not for the guy who's roasting me.
Well, he's We're intertwined souls.
- PETE: No.
No.
No.
- We were married.
- No! - Ah! This is the - Now we're roommates.
- No! - Stop that! - We were.
It's not a big deal.
- He's our friend.
- This is worlds colliding, I like my One galaxy, though, Peter.
It's the same galaxy.
- Worlds colliding - It doesn't matter now.
Why don't we see if there are seats for you guys? - Okay, great.
- Good to see you.
Hey, good luck! Good to meet you guys.
Tony Hinchcliffe looks like a schoolboy, and Pete Holmes looks homeschooled.
[LAUGHTER.]
Make it loud for Pete Holmes and Tony Hinchcliffe! [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.]
All right, are we ready to do this, gentlemen? - Yes.
- Yeah.
I, uh, I met Pete before the show.
His hand's so clammy that he doesn't masturbate, he just waterboards his own dick.
[LAUGHTER.]
Are Are we starting? Yes.
I thought you had to say, "Let's roast, everybody.
" Well, you could be funny anytime you want, Pete, there's a microphone in front of you.
[LAUGHTER.]
I'd like to play by the rules.
- Jesus! - Okay, good good intro.
Who wants to go first? Let Pete go first, he has to get back to being the Muppet that's gonna gentrify Sesame Street.
[LAUGHTER.]
I I don't mind I don't mind going first.
Uh, unlike all the women here, I don't mind if Tony follows me.
[QUIET LAUGHTER.]
Soft jab.
Pete, Tony, let's roast! [BELL RINGS.]
[CHEERS, APPLAUSE.]
Hey, Tony, um why the extremely long face? [SCATTERED LAUGHTER.]
Is that it? PETE: Uh, yeah, you look forlorn.
Pete is somehow both creepy and nonthreatening.
He's like the blond mustache on a paraplegic man.
[LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE.]
Tony Hinchcliffe, uh, you look like Tony Robbins.
And simultaneously someone who desperately needs the help of Tony Robbins.
[LAUGHTER.]
Ah-ha! Pete looks like if someone put all of Donald Trump's sons in the microwave at the same time.
- [LOUD LAUGHTER.]
- Yeah! Tony, uh, Tony looks like he's hiding the fact that he got bit by a zombie four hours ago.
[LAUGHTER.]
[LAUGHS.]
Pete's career is a lot like his ex-wife's pussy.
They're both gonna be opening for losers for the rest of their lives.
[AUDIENCE GROANS, LAUGHS.]
Too soon.
[LAUGHS.]
What? It's funny.
BRIAN: Pete! Last joke.
Uh, Tony, you're so thin and white, I'm only standing here to make sure Artie doesn't snort you.
[LOUD LAUGHTER.]
[MOUTHS.]
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.]
That was incredible.
Judges, what do we think about this one? Dude, what the fuck was that? You were so nice offstage.
ARTIE: Yeah, when did you grow some balls? BETH: Seriously, look at him, he looks like a priest.
That makes sense, actually, 'cause he just fucked this little boy.
[GROANS, LAUGHTER.]
Pete, this is your first battle ever? - Yeah.
- I mean, it was a close one, but the Tony Robbins joke, the cocaine thing at the end, the zombie joke You killed it, buddy.
Congratulations, you're moving on.
[CHEERING.]
His first battle! His first win! - [CHEERING.]
- Pete Holmes! Pete, you're moving on to round two to face Ali Reissen! [CHEERING, APPLAUDING.]
I can't believe you beat Tony.
Holy shit! I don't I didn't It didn't feel good.
I feel like - Hey.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- You did so great.
- Oh, thank you.
- Yeah.
Oh my God! - That was amazing, what was that? - [STAMMERS.]
I don't know, I Do you have Tony's e-mail? - I don't want to - Are you kidding me right now? You wanna e-mail him? You won fair and square.
Let him lick his wounds.
Besides, now you get to go against moi.
- Mm.
- You two are roasting each other? - Yeah.
- I have nothing.
- Oh my God.
- I have nothing.
You're fine.
What do you mean you have nothing? It's gonna be so fun.
I didn't think I'd get this far.
And now, the judges the judges are gonna destroy me.
If any of the judges fuck with you, you just tell Jeff Ross he looks like somebody skinned a penis.
- [LAUGHS.]
That's funny.
- Thank you.
- Can I have that? - Of course.
- I can have that.
- Absolutely.
- Okay.
- Keep it loose.
This is fun, okay? All right, I have to look over these jokes.
What are you Is that for me? Mm, maybe.
You still kiss your mom on the lips, right? - Don't - That's kind of what I'm working with.
- It's gonna be good.
See you later.
Bye.
- Bye.
Bye.
Uh, she seems pretty pumped.
I hope you actually have jokes.
I got nothing.
I don't know if I can do this.
- Why? - Why? 'Cause she's my you That's my girlfriend.
I don't want to roast my girlfriend.
If you say something mean to her, you're treating her like an equal.
That's that's what you're supposed to do.
She's a peer.
I'm protective of my peer.
I want her to be good, and safe, and whole, and complete, not called some ugly bitch.
I got nothing.
If you really love her, then you gotta get up there, and you shit all over her.
Oh, boy.
[CHEERS, APPLAUSE.]
BRIAN: Yes! I love this show! - Hey.
- Hi.
BRIAN: I love hatred.
[CHEERING.]
Love this show.
I just want to say, you know, have fun.
And, um, my middle name is Benedict.
I don't know if you knew, but that might be something.
Nah, I don't need help.
I have plenty.
BRIAN: I'm excited for this next battle, because these two comics are dating.
I didn't know that, did you? I didn't.
Who's ready to see a live domestic dispute? [CHEERING.]
Who wants to see a bloodbath? - [CHEERING.]
- Let's bring 'em out! Pete Holmes! Ali Reissen! Woo! Roast! Roast! AUDIENCE: Roast! Roast! Roast! Roast! Roast! Roast! - Yes! - Roast! Roast! Roast! Roast! Roast! Roast! Roast! Roast! Roast! - Let's roast! - [BELL DINGS.]
[CHEERING.]
Guys, it's so good to be here.
Um Ooh, boy.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well, obviously you can see that Pete looks like a sweet golden retriever.
He's also like that in the bedroom.
- [LAUGHTER, GROANS.]
- It's true, he is.
When he goes down on me, he slobbers so much that the only way I can come is if I'm, like, "Babe, go fetch my vibrator.
" - JEFF: Brutal! Brutal! - Oh, my God.
You should get laid, babe.
Oh, Jeff, you look like somebody skinned a penis.
[AUDIENCE GROANS.]
Oh, also, um, Pete sits down to pee.
It's fine.
No, yeah, you do.
It's not even a joke.
I think he sits down 'cause it's easier to put the tampons in that way.
- [AUDIENCE GROANS.]
- [LAUGHS.]
I'm sorry, I feel like we need a safe word or something.
No, no, no.
You're right.
You're right.
Um, the safe word should be "stop being a fucking pussy.
" [AUDIENCE GROANS.]
JEFF: Come on, one joke at a time.
The rules.
Pete goes.
Uh um, I'm not the first comedian that Ali has been with.
Uh, in fact, her list of former lovers reads like an open mike sign-up sheet.
[LAUGHTER.]
- JEFF: Sign me up! - Which makes sense, 'cause the only thing you need to get on her is to buy her two drinks.
[AUDIENCE GROANS.]
AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Two drink minimum! Two drink minimum! Two-drink minimum! Pete is a Christian comic, obviously.
Um And, you know, he really abides by the commandment when he's on stage, "Thou shalt not kill.
" [LAUGHTER.]
News flash, Pete: Jesus isn't coming back, and neither is your wife.
[AUDIENCE GROANS.]
That's right.
They both got nailed and are in a better place.
[LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE.]
[MUFFLED VOICES.]
MAN [MUFFLED.]
: Pete, go.
Pete, go.
Come on! [VOICES MURMURING.]
Uh Wow.
Ali, uh, it's hard to make fun of you because you already have body dysmorphia, which means, Artie, that she thinks she's fat.
I always have to reassure her, "Baby, you're not fat, you're stupid.
" [LAUGHTER, GROANS.]
- Wow.
- Pete has a lot of moles on his face.
A lot of moles, but they're not cancerous, they're completely benign, just like his act.
[LAUGHTER.]
She thinks she has cellulite.
I always reassure her, that's not cellulite, that's acne scarring.
[AUDIENCE GROANS.]
Well, I mean, it's true I thought about having plastic surgery, but I don't really think there's a need for, like, Botox, because, um, the poison that I put in my body is Pete.
- [AUDIENCE GROANS.]
- Hey-oh! PETE: Ali, I'm so happy to see you finally acting like your vagina onstage, so comfortable and loose.
[GROANING.]
Pete, your ex-wife called.
She said she's really sorry about cheating on you.
At least I think that's what she said.
I couldn't hear her 'cause she had so much cock in her mouth, so [GROANS, APPLAUSE.]
BRIAN: Last joke of the battle.
Ali, you did great tonight.
You did really, really great, really, really funny.
Eh, not really.
I haven't seen someone choke this hard since I sucked on your nipple hair.
[GROANS, APPLAUSE.]
Ali's, uh, right nipple is so hairy AUDIENCE: How hairy is it? She named the left one "And the Hendersons.
" [LAUGHING.]
[CHEERING.]
[LAUGHS.]
Ho-ho-ho! Wow, you two! - Really! Woo! - [APPLAUSE CONTINUES.]
[ALI LAUGHS.]
What do we think about that one? Beth? Wow, Pete, you were like Jesus.
You died, and then three jokes later, rose again.
- [LAUGHS.]
- [APPLAUSE.]
Artie Lange, who do you like? ARTIE: Uh, I I don't know.
I I like Pete, uh, but I don't want him back on my fucking couch, to tell you the truth, uh, so it's a dilemma.
- I gotta give it to Ali.
- [APPLAUSE, CHEERS.]
BRIAN: Tied up, Jeff.
Who do you wanna see win this thing? Well, first of all, this was the best battle of the night for me, so give it up for these two, you killed it.
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE.]
Vicious.
Ali, you had some killers that got super personal, but, Pete, you really went for the jugular today, and, uh, I'm proud of you, buddy.
You got my vote.
- Pete Holmes is the winner! - [BELL DINGS.]
[CHEERING.]
Pete's gonna face Mike Lawrence in the finals! [CHEERING.]
Yeah! Hey, whoa.
Congrats, Pete.
Yeah, that was so awesome, man, cold-blooded.
Thanks.
Excuse I'm sorry, I have to find Ali.
- Excuse me.
- Oh.
[CHATTERING.]
Hi! You were incredible.
That was incredible! Oh my God.
The back and the forth.
Phew! It was like rough sex.
- I Yeah - In a good way.
You are sexy when you're mean.
- Al - What? You just you just used a lot of stuff that I told you, private stuff, in confidence, against me.
You just - Pete - You totally sold me out.
You did the same thing to me, it's a roast battle.
I did it to you because you did it to me.
I was just What is this? I know you are, but what am I? What are you talking about? I didn't It didn't feel the same, I was retaliating.
- Um - I followed your lead, you know? I wasn't I didn't even write most of that.
I'm just scrambling to think of mean shit to say to keep up.
That's even worse.
Then you were just speaking from the heart.
- I just - [SCOFFS.]
I didn't want to throw you under the bus.
- I don't care! I'm fine! - I didn't want you I didn't want you to throw me under the bus.
I thought we had different rules than Damien Lemon.
- I I thought - What kind of comedian can't take a joke? Are you even a comedian? Fuck you.
That's what you say to me right now? - No - I'm not Tony Hinchcliffe.
- No! - We have an alliance! - And you just - Not when we're onstage, performing! What, do you want me to go up and be, like, - Okay.
- "Oh, Pete's a great guy!" No laughs, like, that doesn't make sense! I don't think you had to say that my wife had cock in her mouth or that - She did! - Yeah.
It's funny! I don't know how I walk away from that and just forget that you said it.
I'm just gonna delete the memory of that? - You want to go to dinner tomorrow - God, this is so exhausting! Yes! and just act like you didn't say that shit? - Yes! - That you want my moles What, do you think I'm sitting here obsessing about my cellulite? - That was - I mean, get over yourself.
- Great.
- You're just as selfish, and fucked up, and mean, as everybody around you.
They just have the balls to say that they have those qualities, while you act like you're better than everybody! You're afraid of God, so you hide your feelings.
I don't want to date.
I'm sorry.
- I just - This is good.
No, this is good.
How is that good? I Because I don't want to be with someone who doesn't fucking know who they are.
Pete, they're ready for you.
I I'm with I'm against Mike Lawrence, - I have to - Oh, yeah.
Go be nice.
Pete is the first person to have stepdad bod.
Pete, you Pillsbury dough adult.
The only difference between you and white bread, is that white bread has less carbs.
[LAUGHTER.]
He looks like he was kicked out of the Mormon Church for not being cool enough.
[LAUGHTER.]
The only adventure Pete's ever been on was trying Chipotle.
[LAUGHTER.]
Your comedy is like conversion therapy.
It's not working for you.
[LAUGHTER.]
MAN: Okay, Pete.
I'm just going to do a quick assessment of the vehicle before I give you the keys.
I would highly recommend getting second-party insurance in the event that you have an incident with another vehicle.
- So? - Yeah.
Whatever you recommend.
[CHATTERING.]
Excuse me? Excuse me.
Hi.
Um, I'm a little turned around.
I'm looking for, uh Bundt? Bundt Cafeteria? It's up the hill, to the left.
Thanks.
I'm competing with steamed vegetables.
Serving up hot and fresh jokes, uh, and also broccoli.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- There's also broccoli here today.
It's kind of weird, I I don't have any kids, but doesn't it kind of feel like I do? Like, don't I kind of feel already like a dorky like a dorky dad? Just like a fun dad at a barbecue? Just like [LAUGHS GOOFILY.]
Fresca.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- Throwing Frescas to children.
I'm kind of intimidated.
You guys are younger than me, but you have Some of you have beards.
I can't I can't grow a beard.
I haven't shaved in weeks.
That's real.
This is This is what happens.
Nothing.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- Which isn't really a problem, unless, sometimes I think, what happens if I'm stranded on a desert island, and I have to live there for, like, six years It's been an hour, you can stop whenever.
Okay.
Thank you.
Uh, I'll do a little bit more.
If, uh, if that's okay.
Uh You know, if if I'm on a deserted island for six years, the rescue chopper's gonna come, I'm gonna come out baby-faced, loincloth.
I look like a guy who's been there 15 minutes.
[LAUGHTER.]
Just couldn't wait to wear a loincloth.
[LAUGHTER.]
Rescue me! [LAUGHTER.]
Well, it's all right Riding around in the breeze Well, it's all right If you live the life you please Well, it's all right Doing the best you can Well, it's all right As long as you lend a hand You can sit around and wait for the phone to ring At the end of the line Waiting for someone to tell you everything At the end of the line Sit around and wonder what tomorrow will bring At the end of the line Maybe a diamond ring Well, it's all right Even if the sun don't shine Well, it's all right We're going to the end of the line