Crashing (2016) s03e08 Episode Script

Mulaney

1 This is exciting for me.
- I'm a comic.
- Great.
- Do you have a business card? - No.
I'm fully kidding.
Abraham and Isaac.
Abraham had the knife up in the air and and he heard a voice, thank God, or it would've been, pptt, pptt, pptt.
- You know I have to fire you, right? - I figured.
I just don't know if I can grow here.
Why do you think we shouldn't be together? - I'm in over my head.
- That is such a cop out.
The second you missed your ex-girlfriend you got little bored with me.
In 10 years, you're going to regret this so much.
And I'm going to realize that I dodged a fucking bullet.
I think you know you'll die alone.
(LAUGHING) (DILDO BUZZING) Well It's time to move on Time to get going What lies ahead I have no way of knowing But under my feet, baby Grass is growing (CHANGE DESKTOP BACKGROUND) Yeah It's time to move on Time to get going Well It's time to move on Time to get going (KAT YESTERDAY "I NEED YOU TO CALL ME.
THIS IS UNFAIR.
") - Can I help you? - Yeah, I'm here to meet Kevin Woods.
Right this way.
- Enjoy your meal.
- Thank you.
Good to see you, Peter.
What is this place? It's my favorite restaurant.
Molto Bene.
What's up? What's going on? I heard about the Christian tour.
Yeah.
I I don't know.
I thought it was one thing, and it was very restrictive.
- It was a lot of money.
- I know.
A lot of dates.
Yeah.
Well, I got some news.
(SLURPING) John Mulaney wants you to open for him.
- Are you fucking with me? - Nope.
He asked for you by name.
- John Mulaney? - John Mulaney.
- Asked for me? - Mm-hmm.
- By name? - Yep.
How did We met one time.
He must've seen me or something, right? That's the thing about this business, Peter.
You never know what's lurking around the next corner.
Most of the time, it's a punch in the gut.
Sometimes, it's a treasure chest.
This is the moment we've been waiting for.
All that training, all that grooming.
This is your treasure chest.
- That's amazing.
- You've been working really hard.
- That's amazing.
- You know? You're ready for this.
This is your moment.
- That's great.
- Mm-hmm.
- You said yes? - Mm-hmm.
I thought you were just I thought you just wanted to fire me or because of this.
God damn it.
Let's get some cake.
I know.
I know! He just told me.
It was like a whole thing.
He sat me down Ali, it's, uh, it's Pete.
Um, listen, I just found out I'm doing a show, Saturday at Town Hall.
John That's right, Kid Gorgeous.
And me, Kid Regular.
Asked for me by name.
You know, we haven't talked in a while.
I miss you.
I wanna hang out.
So, um, I hope you can make it.
(PHONE CHIMES) ALI (OVER VOICEMAIL): Hey, Pete.
I'm so excited for you, about Mulaney.
That's so awesome! He never did anything for me except bump me, but I'm not bitter about it.
Ha-ha.
I'm really sorry.
I can't make it to your show, because, um, Ted and I broke up.
Ugh, he was just so perfect in all of the wrong ways.
So, uh, yeah if you need me, I'll be on my couch, watching The Great British Bake Off, contemplating how I'm gonna die alone.
All right, have a good show.
Bye.
Bye.
Till my stone cold grave I'll be pushin' on She'll be pushin' on Till my blood runs dry I'll be riding high She'll be riding high When my soles wear through I won't be feeling blue I'll be pushin' on Pushin' on Yeah! You did it.
You really did it.
You belong here.
You belong here.
(INHALING) (EXHALING): You got this.
Look at me.
You're special.
You deserve this.
That's why he asked for you, because you can do it.
- (KNOCKING) - Hello? - LEIF: Hey, Peter.
- PETER: Hi! Oh my God! Hi! - LEIF: Are we intruding? - Not at all.
- Congratulations! - Welcome! Yes.
- LEIF: Hi! - JESS: We're so proud of you! Oh my God, I'm so glad you're here! - These are for you.
- Thank you.
This goes great with my dressing room mirror.
I'll put them No vase.
They're lovely.
Remember, you're swimming right now.
Enjoy it, Peter.
Don't grab for the water, man.
Relax and just float.
This is awesome.
That was strangely coherent.
- Yeah.
- Thanks.
That was What's happening today? I'm in a suit, I'm in a green room, he's making sense.
This is magic.
- Really exciting.
- Hey.
- I'm Justin.
I work with John.
- Oh, hi.
When you get a chance, John wants to say hi.
- Oh! - Oh, fancy! - Well, go say hi.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Enjoy.
There's Jelly Bellys.
- Oh great! - Ronald Reagan's favorite.
Open that up if you want.
- Okay.
- I'll be right back.
- Whoa.
What do you want? - Not Jelly Bellys.
I love these old theaters.
Sorry.
This is incredible.
I love it.
Yeah.
Does it, um Does it ever get old or? No.
Hey, John.
I've got Pete here for you.
Hi.
Good to see you.
You too.
Who are you? Pete Holmes.
I'm wearing a suit, maybe.
Remember, we met a Rafifi.
- Oh.
- Yeah, yeah.
On 11th.
Out of sight.
I just, um I wanted to come back, and I don't want to bother you.
I just want to say it's wonderful to be opening for somebody of your caliber, and just a dream come true, and it's It's an honor, and Town Hall, I mean When you say, "Open for me" I just mean emcee, not open.
I'm just the supporting act.
Why are you saying this? Why are you saying that? Yeah, whatever term you want to use.
I'm the "special guest.
" I'm your special guest tonight.
- And that's a thrill.
- JOHN: Uh - He's your opener, John.
- Yeah, opener.
- Who the fuck's my opener? - JUSTIN: This is the opener.
This is not what I asked for.
You asked for Pete Holmes.
This is Pete Holmes.
I could not have asked for Pete Holmes, because I do not know who Pete Holmes is.
I'm Pete Holmes.
Remember we I know that now.
I wanted Holmes, the comedian, from Chicago.
They got Holmes from Chicago, from the Chicago Comedy Festival.
He was super funny, we were on the same show, then we went to Alinea together, they closed - the kitchen, we ate at chef's counter.
- I didn't go to Alinea with you.
I know, we didn't invite you, but I told you The guy, Holmes - Ugh.
Ben Holmes? - Yes! - Ben Holmes.
Okay.
- Ben Holmes! - Ben Holmes.
You wanted Ben Holmes.
- Ben Holmes is opening tonight.
- Okay, okay, okay.
- He's opening tonight.
No, he's in Chicago.
Ben Holmes is not here, and Pete Holmes is here? JUSTIN: Yes.
Sounds like there's been a little bit of confusion.
Ugh.
It's most likely because we have the same surname.
Oh, do you fucking think, Agatha Christie? JUSTIN: I'm gonna fix this.
We're gonna fix this.
- This is totally fine totally fine.
- JOHN: Okay.
All right, what does one (EXHALES) What does one do? I'm sure you can call somebody else.
There's plenty of time.
We can form a list and think of comedians, - other comedians that could open.
- Okay, we'll make a list.
- A list of New York City comedians.
- Yes, okay.
A list of comedians in New York City.
- I've got a note open, yes.
- Do it in this order, okay? Ron Funches.
He's third, okay? Jon Stewart I know that sounds like a reach, but maybe if you pitch it as like, "Oh, this would be so crazy if you showed up," all right? First, Birbiglia.
He's too big to open for me, but he's a friend.
He might do it as a favor.
If he says he's not in New York, he is lying.
Jesus fucking Christ.
Kevin, it's Pete.
There's a mix-up.
They booked the wrong fucking guy.
I don't know where you are.
I'm at the theater.
You gotta fucking call me.
It's fucked up.
Pete, can I talk to you for a second? (SIGHS) Shut the shut the door.
Have a seat for a minute.
Uh, I'm really sorry.
Uh, no.
This is a This is a big deal.
This is Town Hall, and I would want my show to be perfect too.
It was Yeah.
It threw me.
I (LAUGHS) acted like a jerk, and, you know, as you know and as you'll tell people, I'm not a jerk.
I don't I'm not gonna talk about this.
It's not a bad I don't even Oh, I'm not telling you not to talk about it.
- I didn't say that.
- No, but I won't.
Yeah, it's like the story could be that I'm an asshole, and, you know, that's not the story.
You know, it's Town Hall.
You can't shoot to wound.
- You gotta shoot to kill.
- (PHONE BUZZING) Oh, it's Birbiglia.
Hey.
(KNOCKING) Hey, Pete.
- Oh, hey, man.
- Hey.
We're gonna need you to clear out of here.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
Of course.
I'm sorry.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
JUSTIN: No, we're sorry.
I didn't touch most of this.
We'll get a new one.
Just, uh, follow me out here.
Should I go? I kind of feel like I should get out of here.
No, stay, stay.
Literally stay.
You're here, just watch the show, you know? Okay, is there a seat in the house, or? Well, no.
Um, but you can watch from backstage.
You'll be a VIP, our very important guest.
John's very important guest.
Yeah, I'll watch from wherever, sure.
- JOHN: Fuck! - I've got to take care of this.
- John, anything? - Ron Funches is in Denver.
I called Gethard, and he said he would try to be here by eight o'clock, and it's almost eight o'clock, so I don't think he's gonna be here.
- So Gethard will not be here? - Gethard will not be here.
Okay.
Fuck! I'm not mad at you.
(BREATHES DEEPLY) How many minutes can you do? - I could do 20.
- You'll do 10.
JUSTIN: So are we doing this? JOHN: Yeah.
- (AUDIENCE CHEERING) - Aah, fuck, it's happening.
Take that, Justin.
The show is about to happen.
It's not not going to happen.
God, I hate doing stand-up.
I hate doing stand-up comedy so much.
I only wanted to be a comedian my whole life, and the thing I hate the most is stand-up comedy.
Hey, are you clean? Uh, yeah, I'm I'm a clean No, you gotta be dirty.
That way my parents will hate you, and when I walk out I seem clean.
I'm not a clean comic.
People think I am, but I say "dick" and "ass" and "cocaine" - and all this stuff.
- Okay, I'll be dirty.
- Yeah, be dirty.
- A little dirty.
Also, don't mention marriage.
Don't mention adolescence.
A lot of it is about adolescence.
Well, then you don't do that, you do something else.
Or you just say, "Welcome, I'm the venue owner," and then you walk off.
- All right.
- Look don't be bad.
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Ben Holmes! (AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING) - (PETE SIGHS) - JOHN (WHISPERS): Speak! (WHISPERING): Speak! (SIGHS) (AUDIENCE MURMURS) Um, sorry.
It's actually, it's Pete.
- (LAUGHTER) - Yeah.
My name is, um Pete Holmes.
- It's okay.
- (SCATTERED LAUGHTER) There was a There was a mix-up.
I'm not Ben Holmes, I'm Pete Holmes.
- I mean, there was a whole thing.
- (SCATTERED LAUGHTER) It turns out John Mulaney, who we're all here to see, um, wanted Ben Holmes, but they got in touch with my manager and they got Pete Holmes, and then I got here and John was (LAUGHING): He was not cool about it.
- (LAUGHTER) - I'm not I'm not saying he's a dick.
He's not a dick.
I'm saying we all have moments where we slip into dick.
- And he - (CHEERING) He slipped into dick.
I know! What a nightmare for me, because he was upset.
He had this important show.
I get it, I get it, I get it.
I get it.
I really get it.
But he was calling other comedians in front of me.
- Sorry I'm late, man.
- Is that Chris Gethard? - Yeah, it's me.
- Where the fuck were you? I was having, you know, dinner with my wife.
And that's, hopefully, why you're dressed like that.
And they're calling like, "Mike Birbiglia, we need you!" - And I'm like - (LAUGHTER) But I don't understand.
My job is to just not be as good as the headliner.
- (LAUGHTER) - Brother, if you're looking for someone to be not as good as John Mulaney, - I'm your first call.
- (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) I am mediocre and forgettable together, like two great tastes.
(APPLAUSE CONTINUES) - Hey, Greer.
- Hey.
Am I too late? Uh, no, the show hasn't started yet.
Yes, you're too late.
I'm basically an open Mic-er who does some road work, and my manager was like, "John Mulaney asked for you by name.
" And I was like, "That checks out.
" (LAUGHTER) He doesn't even know me! He doesn't know me.
We met once, and, you know, he was kind of a dick then too.
He was dick then.
You are a dick.
I know, but people don't know that.
- Town Hall, thank you so much.
- (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) What a dream come true.
Thank you, Mulaney.
Are you guys ready for your headliner? (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) I am, too.
This is obviously the person we all came to see.
You know him, you love him.
Town Hall, give a big welcome to John Mulaney! (CHEERING, APPLAUDING) - You're not bad.
- Really? I thought - I have to go do it.
Thank you.
- Right.
Pete Holmes, ladies and gentlemen.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) - Good show, dude.
- Thanks, man.
- I love your stuff.
- Thanks.
- Not bad, man.
Not bad at all.
- Thank you, Greer.
Hello, I'm John Mulaney.
You may know me from some of Pete's stories - from five seconds ago.
- (LAUGHTER) JOHN: I got to admit, Pete Holmes was kind of right about me.
I was a dick to him this evening, and I do apologize.
I'm embarrassed that you have seen the darker side of me.
But in terms of dark sides of male comedians coming to light this year, I think that's a pretty tame one.
- (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) - But I want to be a good, nice person.
I was raised Catholic, I was raised to be kind to everyone.
You know, Catholicism is all about kindness until you go digging into it, and then it's not at all.
(LAUGHTER) There's a new Pope, and people like him a lot.
Pope Francis, people think he's cool.
- (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) - Like, look at all of you.
You're clapping for him, and he's against abortion and all of your rights, - but you like him.
- (LAUGHTER) The pope is popular, 'cause he acts like a sophomore in college who just took mushrooms for the first time.
He'll be like, "Maybe God is just an energy, not some man with a son.
" And everyone's like, "Whoa, Catholicism's cool!" - It's not! - (LAUGHTER) This is a trick to lure you Jews and atheists into our weird Italian religion.
(LAUGHTER) Here's how you'll know if the Pope ever really shakes things up.
He'll die.
If the pope was ever like, "Hey, I just" realized that we could cure world hunger" if we sold some of these gold cathedrals.
" The next day they'd be like, "Oh, no! The Pope died! Yeah, he had a heart attack.
He fell down the stairs.
" "I'm sorry.
He had a heart attack or he fell down the stairs?" "I know!" (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) (CHEERING) - Hey! Oh my God! - Amazing! I'm so glad you saw that.
Oh my goodness, that looked so cathartic for you.
Yes, it was.
It was tense, fucking crazy, but out there, I mean, it was all it was worth it.
You took all that weird anger you have inside yourself, and then you totally transformed it, and you gave it these folks and you just made them laugh and turned it into positivity, Peter! JESS: Yeah, it was great.
PETE: Um, John, sorry.
Would you mind? These are my, uh, these are my guests.
- This is Jess.
- Hello.
- And this is Leif.
- Hi.
- And this is John Mulaney.
- I'm John Mulaney.
Nice to meet you.
- Hi.
John Mulaney.
- Uh, this is Greer Barnes.
- "Leif," you said? - Yeah.
- Greer.
Nice to meet you.
- How are you? You were so funny.
I couldn't breathe.
- Thank you.
- Y'all brothers and sisters? Lot of people think that, but no, we are lovers.
- What are you doing? - Nothing.
She said she liked comedy, so I wanted to see if she wanted to come to the late show.
- Oh, there's another show? - I think it's a euphemism.
- Oh, okay.
- Okay, we gotta go.
- You gotta go.
Thank you.
- Okay.
I'm being pulled away now.
- You guys were great.
- Nice meeting you.
I really liked this.
This was really fun, thank you.
- I really liked it.
Okay.
- JESS: Okay.
Bye, guys.
Thank you for coming.
Hey, John.
Um, I just feel like I should apologize for some of the things I said.
- I wanna make sure it was okay.
- Pete, you were funny.
You made the show better.
Okay? Relax.
What are you doing right now? - Nothing, I mean this is it.
- You want come to The Cellar with us? - GREER: Come on.
- Yeah.
We gotta unwind after the show.
Yeah.
I mean.
Really? You don't mind? I've already invited you! Say, "Yes.
" Yeah.
JOHN: What's up, man? - Pete Holmes.
- How are you? - Lookin' good, brother.
- Thanks, dude.
Hold on, I can't sit back there 'cause I don't play here.
It's not gonna be a problem.
I'll talk to Estee.
Hey, Estee.
- Oh, hi! - Hi! - How are you, John? - How are you? It's so good to see you.
Wonderful.
Wonderful to see you.
- What's happening? - Uh, I did Town Hall tonight.
Oh, I heard.
How was it? It was amazing.
- Really? - It was really, really cool.
When I was standing on stage, I thought, it is all thanks to Estee.
Well, I'm glad I gave you first shot, but your talent took you to where you are.
I know I have talent.
But, no, really you gave me the opportunity.
Listen to the guy.
Okay.
Speaking of, someone opened for me tonight, a guy I'd never seen before.
Uh, he was hilarious.
Do you know Pete Holmes? This guy hovering, right here? I'm sorry, I just We came in together.
I know I'm not supposed to sit there, but Look, I didn't like him either when I first met him, and I was pretty rude to him.
And then he got on stage, and he killed.
And I feel like I owe him something.
And if you could give him a spot, that would be amazing.
Honestly, I just We're just hanging out.
I didn't I didn't ask him to do this.
I I'm happy All right, he can go on next.
Only because you asked.
- Thank you, Estee.
- You're welcome.
- Thank you.
- JOHN: You're welcome.
I thank both of you.
- I gotta work on my set.
- (OTHERS SHOUTING) - I'm performing! - You gotta earn that.
- She said I'm going up! - Sit over there! The longer you sit here, the worse it gets.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
- Come on.
- Go work on it alone.
- Take care of yourself.
- You have to do this alone.
- Honestly You know, honestly, be careful, because she hates him.
I vouched for him once, and now she won't let me vouch for anybody.
Oh my God, and most people trust you.
- (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE) - Mike YARD: I know, it's hilarious.
- Are you guys ready for some more? - (CHEERING) This next brother coming to the stage, you are gonna love him.
Very funny.
Give it up for the one and only Pete Holmes, y'all.
Clap it up for Pete Holmes, y'all! Come on, show your love! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) Show your love for that brother.
Keep it going for Mike Yard, everybody.
That's Mike Yard.
(CHEERS, APPLAUSE) It's weird, uh, it's weird to be here.
"It's great to be here," is what I'm supposed to say, but it's weird because the last time I was here, I broke up with my girlfriend.
WOMAN: Aw! - Wow, good for you.
- (LAUGHTER) You're not sociopaths.
That's very healthy.
I'll tell you, the main difference between being single and having a girlfriend, for me, in the city, - is missing the train.
- (LAUGHTER) When I'm single Listen to me now.
When I'm single, I don't miss it.
I make it.
Just a free man, just one free man with agency and free will, I make it.
I hear it through the grate, and I assess its direction like a herd of buffalo that I'm stalking.
I'm right on the stairs.
I tear my shirt open a little bit just to feel more like a man (ROARS) and I make it.
- Two at a time on the stairs.
- (LAUGHTER) That's a leap.
I'm leaping I'm leaping down the stairs.
I get my metro card out strong, I'm swiping in down the stairs.
Before the doors close, I have time to get my hat that I dropped like Indiana Jones, put it on, light a cigarette, kiss a woman I don't know.
I make it! But when I had a girlfriend, I never made it.
I never made it.
I'm already swiped through, 'cause I get my metro card out on the stairs.
She gets to the thing To the turnstyle, she's opening her bag to retrieve another bag.
(LAUGHTER) She's got a bag within a bag, Russian-doll system of baggery.
She's got all these dead metro cards.
Why does she keep the dead metro cards? - Are you scrapbooking? - (LAUGHTER) (INDISTINCT CHATTERING) Sit.
Please.
So the show downstairs was good.
You can call in for spots.
- KEITH: Holy shit! - Really? - RACHEL: Pete! - KEITH: Yeah, look at that.
Congrats, I suppose.
But, Estee, are you sure about this? Come on, man.
- What the hell are you talking about? - Come on, Dan.
The question is, is Pete ready to be here? - That's the question.
- KEITH: He's here! Are you suggesting I should get rid of somebody? - You get rid of Dan.
- Yeah.
You can't get rid of me.
I've been here for 10 years.
- Yes, you can.
- I think at least he should reaudition.
- Give this up to Pete.
- Reaudition him.
I reaudition every night when I'm killing down there.
- Thank you.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
- KEITH: No, you don't.
- You're welcome.
- Thank you.
- KEITH: No, you don't.
JOHN: What do you guys wanna do? Wanna go eat? - DAN: Yeah, why not.
- GREER: Yeah, I could eat.
Pete, you wanna come eat with us? I'm sorry, I can't.
I I gotta go.
Thank you.
JOHN: You're welcome.
He's an odd duck.
I was just trying to be polite.
DAN: To be honest, I think we're better off.
Every inch of sky's got a star Every inch of skin's got a scar I guess that you've Got everything now Every inch of space in your head Is filled up with The things that you read I guess that you've Got everything now And every film that you've ever seen Fills the spaces up in your dreams That reminds me Everything now, everything now Every inch of road's got a sign And every boy uses the same line I pledge allegiance To everything now And every song that I've ever heard Is playing at the same time It's absurd And it reminds me We've everything now We turn the speakers up Till they break 'Cause every time You smile it's a fake! - Stop pretending, you've got - Everything now - I need it - Everything now! - I want it - Everything now! - I can't live without - Everything now! - I can't live without - Everything now! - Everything now! - Everything now!