Crashing (US) (2017) s03e07 Episode Script

The Christian Tour

1 I think you have a real future in the religious markets.
Really? I love that Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead.
Maybe Lazarus wanted to be dead.
Can you imagine if Jesus raised him and Lazarus came up like - "Oh, man!" - (LAUGHTER) Ali did stand-up on Seth Meyers.
Some comics are gonna get together and watch.
- I like her dress.
- Shh! ALI: (ON TV) They're like, "Uh, you're glowing.
" - I'm like, "Well" - Do "NOT" shush me.
Stop it! Tonight was about Ali.
I'll let you go Go back to her.
- You're a shitty boyfriend.
- Okay.
And you're an even shittier comic.
Kat and I just had a really big fight.
I really am sorry.
(MUSIC PLAYING) MAN: One, two, three, four.
(BLUEGRASS MELODY PLAYING) Oh, how glad and happy when we meet I'll fly away (BLUEGRASS CONTINUING) No more cold Iron shackles on my feet I'll fly away I'll fly away, oh glory - I'll fly away - In the morning When I die, Hallelujah by and by I'll fly away I'll fly away, oh glory I'll fly away (LAUGHTER) I was watching a James Bond movie recently, and James Bond had his gun pointed at the bad guy, right? He had him in the corner.
And the bad guy had one last line, and he goes, "See you in Hell.
" - (LAUGHTER) - And James Bond, he's always supposed to have a good retort, right? And he goes, "You first.
" (LAUGHTER) Uh Is that a good comeback? (LAUGHTER) James Bond is going to Hell? And knows he's going to Hell? And isn't concerned? He's just like, "Yeah", but you'll be there a little bit before I'm there.
" (LAUGHTER) It's not a good comeback.
He should be like, "See you in Hell.
" James Bond should be like, "No!" (LAUGHTER) "Uh-uh! I have the love of Jesus in my h-e-a-r-t.
" Bang! That's a better comeback.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) How pissed would you be if you were murdered and went to Hell and saw the guy who murdered you? You're down there forever, and you're like, "Yeah, I was a bad guy, but another guy" "Actually that guy right over there, he shot me.
" (LAUGHTER) Hi! Remember me? You shot me! Yeah (LAUGHS), but here we are.
- (LAUGHTER) - "Together again.
" You guys were amazing.
Thank you so much.
- Thank you.
- Thanks.
- Yeah, have a good night.
- Bye.
- Hey.
Great show.
- Hey.
Thank you.
Marcie, this has been amazing.
Some of the best crowds I've ever had in my life, and I'm signing autographs like Kevin James did at TCBY.
- Well, everybody loves you.
- Thank you.
How do you feel about doing morning radio tomorrow? - Really? Just me? - Yes! We need somebody with the gift of gab, and that's you.
Marcie, I would love to do morning That's my first morning radio.
Cool! Oh, um, I was just wondering if you'd had a chance to look at your contract.
I signed it, yeah.
Did you get it? My manager's kind of He's not great.
Well, I'm sure it was just a slip of the tongue, but you said "pissed" on stage tonight.
- I did? - Yeah.
- You're absolutely Yeah - Yeah.
I did not mean to do that.
Is that something I shouldn't I shouldn't do that? No, no.
It's a bodily function, yeah, so, you know, it's in that contract.
Oh, I'm I'm so sorry.
I'll read the contract, but I don't normally do jokes like that, so that was just Yeah.
No, that's great.
Okay, good.
Thank you.
And you know what? Everybody loves it when you talk about your faith.
So talk about my faith more? Yes, yes.
We love it when you talk about your faith.
You should stick with that.
I I wanna make sure I'm giving them the show - that they want to see, and - Right.
Well, I will see you bright and early in the morning.
- I'm so excited.
Thank you.
- Okay? Get some shut-eye.
I'm gonna I'm gonna go to bed right now.
(LAUGHING) You might have some more autographs.
I see people lining up.
Thank you, Marcie.
Sorry again! That's all right.
Just keep to it.
- Okay.
- Good night.
But as you know our Lord and Savior was crucified and buried, and on the third day - Oh! Oh! (LAUGHS) - He rose.
You can pass your finger around and make sure there's no threads or anything.
- Really? - Yeah.
(LAUGHTER) KAT (OVER PHONE): Are you fucking kidding me? You can't text a break-up.
I said, "We need to talk.
" "We need to talk" is I'm going to break up with you, and then you beat me to it with this fucking text? What kind of limp-dick fuck would do that? You all right down there? (SIGHING): Yeah.
Though I think I just broke up with my girlfriend.
Yeah, man, I hear that.
Which is weird 'cause, I mean, I was I was crazy about her.
Now I feel like I was dating someone I didn't even know.
JOHN: Hmm.
You ever break up with somebody and then you figure out who they are? (LAUGHING): Yeah, I know exactly what you mean.
But as long as you know who you are and that relationship got you closer to figuring that out, then you're good.
You know, sometimes we don't know what what's going on, but God does.
CINDY (ON RADIO): So Lester, lots of news today.
A Mexican restaurant caught fire the other day.
LESTER: Would you describe it as a mild fire? CINDY: Weird, I thought it would be chili.
LESTER: Ah! They really need to cool it with those habaneros.
Hey, careful, that plate's hot! I just don't know what I'm going to say.
Oh, just go in there and let your light shine.
I can do that.
- Yeah? - I can.
- Pete? - Yes.
- They're ready for you.
- Great.
You stay here.
I'll stay here and listen.
I'm so excited.
Okay, like my mom at the dentist.
- Love you.
- (LAUGHS): Yeah.
LESTER: I had the biggest poop the other day.
I swear, it looked like the letter Q.
- This is Pete Holmes.
- Oh hi, Pete.
- Oh, hey.
- Hello.
Hey, I'm Lester.
Cool, nice to meet you.
- This is Cindy.
- Hi, nice to meet you.
That's you in that chair, right there.
Have a seat.
This is what you guys look like.
- Yeah, it is.
- Yeah, this is us.
LESTER: Be it as it may.
Uh We go on the air in about 40 seconds, so, what are we promoting today? Um, I'm promoting the Good Faith Variety Tour.
- Oh.
- And what is that? It's a Christian variety show.
I'm a comedian Um, a Christian comedian.
LESTER: A Christian comedian? Don't tell me anymore.
I wanna make fun of that on the air.
What, uh Yeah, those are your headphones, put those on.
Your mic volume is down below.
Your cough button's there, that will mute your mic.
7, The Rock of Charleston.
It's your old buddy Lester reminding you that the best defense is a good offensive, so if you struggle with foot odor like I used to Oh boy, don't I know it.
Yeah, attack it with Dr.
Scholl's Odor-X odor-fighting foot powder.
It's great.
Ask for it by name.
- (BELL DINGS) - All right, do it to it.
Now I'm very excited to have this guy in studio with us.
- CINDY: Yes.
- First time he's joined us.
He's a comedian, but he's a Christian comedian.
- CINDY: Oh! - Yeah, can you think about that? - That's like a Christian stripper.
- (LAUGHTER) - Well, you know, it - Let's welcome Pete Holmes.
Thank you.
Thank you.
You gotta help me out.
I can't wrap my head around Christian comedian.
- What's going on with that? - PETE: Oh, you know, it's, uh - I'm here for Good Faith Variety Tour.
- LESTER: Mm-hmm.
Uh, we have ventriloquists, we have musicians.
- It's a great, great show.
- LESTER: Cool, cool.
We have a game we like to play where we figure out your porno name.
CINDY: Ooh, yeah, he's gonna be really good at this, Lester.
Uh, I don't know if I want to It's really easy.
The ground rules are as follows.
All we need is the name of the street you grew up on and the nickname you have for your junk.
And you put that together, that's your porno name.
- PETE: I don't know - CINDY: This is good.
You're gonna like this.
I'm Oak Thundernuggins.
Yeah, and I'm Pleasant Clambake.
I mean, I don't really Bloomfield Testes.
- LESTER: That works.
I like that.
- Oh Lord.
- Can I say testes on the radio? - You did, it's great.
Tell us more about your show.
PETE: Well, uh, yeah.
- There's singing, there's music.
- Okay, but what about praying? This is what I've always wanted to know.
Do you pray? Yeah, I pray.
CINDY: But what about, like during the show? Nobody prays during the show.
No, there's no prayer in the show.
It's just a show, it's a regular show.
But, you know, I pray before the show.
- Did you pray before this show? - I did.
- How's that working? - (LAUGHING) Yeah.
- I hope it's going okay.
- (LAUGHTER) I I mean, I pray before the show because I'm grateful.
I'm really grateful that I feel like I found my new family, and to be part of a tour that's, uh, bigger - Bigger than myself, and - CINDY: Yeah.
and to be in the joy business.
And when I'm on stage, I really feel God working through me, and that's a really exciting feeling.
Something that I'm very passionate about.
That's my boy.
- LESTER: Well, Hallelujah? Hallelujah! - CINDY: Hallelujah, yeah.
Hey, I'm getting a note here.
Our other guest is here.
- You wanna bring her in? - Oh, yeah! - She can help make sense of all this.
- Oh, please.
So, she's a regular.
Whenever she's in town, she loves to come by and we love to have her.
Ladies and gentlemen, Jessica Kirson is here.
- She's here now - Here she is.
- Here she is.
Look at her.
- I know you.
Hey! Whoa! I know you! How are you? - How you doing? - Nice to see you.
Oh, really? You two know each other? Yeah, we're comics from New York, so we all know each other.
- CINDY: Oh, no kidding? - Plus, we go to the same - lesbian hair stylist.
- It's true.
Nice to have you here.
I love that you stop by every time you come through town.
How are you doing? - Oh, I'm exhausted right now.
- LESTER: Sure.
But I'm very grateful that you had me on, and hopefully, like, two more people will come to my show because of it.
- Let's shoot for three.
Big time.
- (LAUGHING) Let's do it.
You're always full of jokes, Lester.
(LAUGHING): I hate that hat.
(LAUGHS) You've always hated my hat.
It's horrible.
I mean, it really, it looks like, like an old bra of mine from the '70s.
It's like a dog toy.
Is it too early for you to do a character? Oh, she's gotta do one.
Jessica, you're so good.
- Really? I mean, I don't - CINDY: Yes! We love them! Okay, I mean Could you do the annoying white girl? It's my favorite.
(HIGH-PITCHED, NASALLY VOICE): No, it's not too early.
I'll do it anytime, because if it's gonna sell tickets, I'll really do it, because I just want people to show up that are gonna buy tickets.
Like, seriously, that's all I care about is that people buy tickets.
(BABBLING) - (WHINING) - (LAUGHING) Oh, I wish we could go on, but we gotta go to break.
I wanna thank you guys for showing up.
Jessica Kirson tonight at Theater 99, downtown Charleston.
Tickets still available? - Yes! - And Pete Holmes of the Good Faith Variety Show, this afternoon at 6 p.
That's at the United Fellowship Church.
Check it out.
We gotta go to break, we'll be back.
Thank you, guys! - We're back after this.
- Thank you! Guys, that was great.
Really funny stuff.
Thank you so much.
Hey, do you want to go get something to eat? I would love to.
(BLUES MUSIC PLAYING) - You want hot sauce? - No, thank you.
Fucking good.
Yeah, it really is.
So, Christian show? - Okay, listen, it's like - I'm not judging you at all.
It's just, the last time I saw you, you were with a tall blonde, schlepping around a huge bag of dildos.
- Yeah, I'm, you know, branching out.
- Oh.
Some nights, I'm dildo Santa Claus, other nights, I do, you know, Christian shows.
I have no problem with dildos or blondes.
I just didn't know you were religious like that.
I'm I'm not.
I I mean, I That's how I was raised, and It's so nice.
It's so nice.
You should see.
We have a tour bus, we get our own bunks.
I play big theaters now with fans and - Awesome.
- sign autographs.
Everybody's friendly.
And the money, I mean Listen, you don't have to sell me.
I totally get it, but now I'm dying to know how much money? It's a thousand dollars a show.
I would sell my soul to Jesus for that.
- He doesn't buy souls.
- (LAUGHS) - The devil - I don't know him at all.
It's either fiddle contests or cash with the devil.
- Got it.
- But Jesus, just a handshake agreement.
He just says, "Welcome aboard," and then you're good.
- Okay.
- I don't know, I thought you would think I'm a sellout.
I kind of feel like a Am I? No, I don't I would never think that.
You're a fucking entertainer.
If you're making money, good money, then you should do it.
That's such a relief.
When you walked into the radio station, I felt like I was getting busted by the cool kids.
I thought you were gonna report back to The Cellar what a fucking phoney No, I am the last person that would ever judge you for that.
I was just in Israel.
I did shows for ultra-Orthodox people, and, I mean, do you think I told them that I'm a lesbian or that, you know, I have a kid or that I'm not religious? No, I just keep it to myself and I make the money.
I'm a business person.
You don't feel like a sellout? No.
I don't do anything that will keep me up at night.
Everyone needs to just decide what line they won't cross, and you need to decide that for yourself.
I don't know.
I'm overthinking it.
I think you are, too.
Listen, you're making 50 dollars a minute.
I mean, who gives a shit what anyone thinks? (CHUCKLING) Yeah.
Why don't you complain to the line cook, and let him fucking fry your hand? (LAUGHING) You're paying for this.
Oh, thank you.
Everything was incredible.
Jesus has this one covered.
It's smooth Oh my God! - Look! - (LAUGHING) Look at all these tchotchkes.
What? A bunch of tchotchkes? - Can I ask you something? - Sure.
- What? - (SNICKERING) - It's a lesbian question.
- Of course it is.
I love when straight, white men use me as Dyke Google.
I'm just curious.
It's like, do lesbians care about - tightness? - (LAUGHS) Do you sit around and go, "I went on a date.
Oh, she was so She was so tight?" No! No, I mean, we're I feel like men are so obsessed with the grip.
I I could care less.
In fact, the more open and wide it is, the more I just put in there, you know, like a toe or a foot.
- PETE: Oh my God.
- JESSICA: My cat.
- Oh, God.
- Just shove everything in.
- PETE: Yeah.
The remote.
- Yeah.
(LAUGHING) I know this is weird to say, but that horse has a great ass.
- He does a lot of cardio.
- (LAUGHING) This is me coming up.
This was fun, really fun.
I obviously didn't expect to run into anyone I knew, so It was great for me.
Thank you.
I would've sat in my hotel room all day and night.
Me, too.
Just waiting for the show.
- I will see you around.
- Yes.
With your thing, do what you want on stage, just make sure that you're not funnier offstage than you are onstage.
- Bye, Jessie.
- Bye.
- Thanks, Pete.
Hey, so you guys got my e-mail about the schedule change, right? - Yeah, thanks.
- Great.
How was breakfast? It was wonderful.
You should've come.
Oh, well, your friend is a little too New York-y for my taste.
- Yeah, um - But interesting.
Yeah, she's she's from New Jersey, I think.
But, yeah.
Knock 'em dead.
PETE: I love the Bible.
I love the Bible, I really do.
And my whole life, people have been debating whether or not the Bible is a story or if it's literally true.
And I always said the same thing, I'm like, what's the difference? I mean this.
What's the difference? If that book takes you to that place of grace and peace and love and thinking of something bigger than yourself, who cares? Just get there, baby.
Just get there, who cares? I don't care.
I don't want to debate.
- (APPLAUSE) - Right? But I will say that there are some things in the Bible that I hope aren't literally true.
(LAUGHTER) I hope some parts are myths.
I think you know what parts I'm talking about.
Uh, Abraham and Isaac.
Genesis 22.
I think you know the story.
God tells Abraham to kill his son.
Abraham look it up - Goes, "Okay!" - (LAUGHTER) So he wakes up Isaac.
"Where are we going?" "Who cares? It doesn't matter.
" Two men are gonna go in, one comes back.
"Daddy doesn't need to tell you the details, honey.
This is the end.
" Wakes up Isaac, takes him to a mountain so God can see.
He's like a voyeur, like a snuff film.
(LAUGHTER) God wants to see Abraham do it, and then he's gonna kill him and then he doesn't.
I hope that is not literally true.
If that's just a story that they tell us so that we know, oh, you're supposed to give up everything for God, no matter what, no matter how attached you are to it, that's beautiful.
Otherwise, that's just a story about an old man who hears voices that tell him to kill his son.
(LAUGHTER) And he was gonna do it! He was going to do it.
He had the knife up in the air, and he heard another voice, thank God.
What would he have done if he hadn't heard the voice? It just would've been (SPUTTERING) Do you love me now? (LAUGHTER) (SCREAMING) (LAUGHTER) - That's nuts.
- (APPLAUSE) Here's another Bible story.
King David in the Bible met a woman, he wanted to marry her, and the father of that woman said, "You can marry my daughter", "but first" This is real You have to bring me a hundred foreskins.
" - MAN: What?! - (LAUGHTER) That's the correct response, sir.
Everyone who didn't go, "What?!" is wrong.
"What?!" is the When I read it, I went, "What?!" that's "A hundred foreskins for my daughter.
" Look this up, it's true.
David goes, "I'll make it 200 hundred.
" (AUDIENCE GROANS, LAUGHS) Pardon the expression, but he was cocky.
(LAUGHTER) He found 200 dudes he hated, he killed them, and snip-snip.
Put it in a box, brought it back to the dad, and the dad was like, "Oh, good!" You did what I asked.
" And then he had to count.
He had to make sure there was 200.
He was like, "Uh, one" uh, two uh, three "uh, fo Oh, nice try.
That's an eyelid.
" (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) Thank you guys so much.
I really mean that.
This is so much fun.
Good night! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) Great show, guys.
You know I have to fire you, right? Yeah, I figured.
You know why we call this the Good Faith Variety Tour? Because people buy their tickets in good faith, and you pissed all over that.
You said "pissed.
" Hilarious.
- John.
- What's up, man? Uh, I'm off the tour.
(SIGHS) I mean, I'm not surprised.
I mean, that stabbing noise was messed up.
I don't know, man.
I just don't know if I can grow here.
I need to be in the open fields, running and talking about asses.
I It's just a little suffocating here right now.
I think you're so good at it.
Nah, I mean To each his own, you know? I guess God has a different plan for all of us, man, you know? Maybe it wasn't in his plan for you to make $1,000 a night.
(LAUGHING) It's like, okay, thank you for that.
Oh, that's salt in the wound? Thank you.
- Look me up, man.
This was fun.
- All right.
- I'm gonna miss you.
- I'll miss you, too, man.
Oh, Pete.
Good luck with Kat, man.
Thanks, man.
See ya.
Hank Williams' "I'll Fly Away" by Johnny Cash Some glad morning When this life is over I'll fly away To that home On God's celestial shore I'll fly away I'll fly away, oh glory I'll fly away When I die, Hallelujah by and by I'll fly away Why do you look like a realtor on a bench ad? I have some properties I'd like to show you.
(LAUGHING) She said I was ghosting her, so I agreed to sit down.
Were you ghosting her? No, I don't I didn't, you know, reply to her.
That's the definition of ghosting.
I'm not good with confrontation, okay, but she insisted.
(EXHALING): Fucking hell.
Well, you're gonna have to have some kind of official break-up conversation.
Are you gonna sit her down and do it? - No, we broke up.
- Okay.
We know we broke up.
She just wants an exit interview.
(LAUGHS) Is that what you're calling it? An exit interview? - She called it that.
- That's what they do at Applebee's when you get fired and you wanna sit down with the manager - and go over what happened.
- That's what we're doing.
We're reviewing my performance in a relationship.
It's not You know what? That is a good tag.
So I'll use that, and that was a great tag, so - Thank you.
- I'm gonna Venmo you for that, because that was That's gonna be hilarious.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I'm sorry I on the phone, I haven't been the best at, um Yeah, I know you're scared.
I get it.
Listen, we're both adults, so we can talk about what happened and then we can both move on.
But we should be real about this, and we'll clean it up, and - be adults.
- Absolutely.
Why do you think we shouldn't be together? You literal that You want me to lay it out? Yeah, 'cause I know what happened.
I know exactly what happened, but I want to hear what you think happened.
I just I just think you're so advanced and complex and intelligent and sharp, and I'm just I'm like an embryo compared to you.
It's, it's, it's You're out of my league.
I'm in over my head.
And you deserve to be with someone who loves you for who you are who can handle that.
I was overwhelmed.
That is such bullshit.
That is such a cop-out.
You are just lying through your fucking teeth, and I want you to tell me the truth and tell me what really is going on here.
I don't see what the point of, you know, dredging any negative experience up.
I'm No, breaking up with somebody and then just not talking to them and avoiding them is super weak.
That's a lame fucking move and it's weak.
You're weak, Pete.
Kitty, I'm not, you know, I'm not I'm sorry I'm not the person that has sex in dressing rooms and then fucks loud enough for my mother to hear.
It's not those aren't my moves.
Okay, stop it.
You keep on talking about this like you're some little innocent choir boy and all these things just happened to you and you were at the mercy of this fucking trollop who forced you into doing crazy shit.
Because I'm a wild one, and I buy dildos, and I'm really shaking things up for you.
But you were a part of it, Pete.
You were a part of every single part of this relationship.
You were behind everything, and you were behind me when you were fucking me in a dressing room.
- I - So why did you do it? Was it for the jokes? Was it for the sex? What, you needed someone to cheer you on in your career? - No! - You used me.
And the second you missed your ex-girlfriend, you got a little bored with me and you started to think, I want out.
You know what? In ten years, you're gonna regret this so much, and I'm gonna realize that I dodged a fucking bullet.
Ugh, how'd it go? Not good.
What the fuck just happened? It that was, uh, that was my girlfriend.
- (LAUGHING) - Oh my gosh! Oh, Petey! Never in a million years did I think that was your girlfriend.
Are you a comic? - Yeah.
- Hi, Amy.
- Hi, I'm a big fan.
- Nice to meet you.
AMY: It didn't visually make sense to me.
If, you know, if we're gonna be shallow about it.
She was like an eleven.
She was wildly hot.
The fact that you were gently dumping her - is infuriating.
- Whoa, he dumped her? Yes, he was softly letting her go.
You're lucky she let you flop around on top of her.
Why did you break up with that beautiful, hip-looking girl? Was she trying to make you cut your hair into an attractive style? (LAUGHING) You grew up without sisters, that's the thing.
- He does seem like that.
- He needed sisters.
He does seem like the guy who has to leave a date 'cause he twisted a testicle.
Oh yeah, like he needs to go home and address it.
I wish I could break up with you.
(LAUGHTER) I'm jealous of that girl.
Not just 'cause, like, she's so thin and beautiful, but I hope she has a great life.
And I think you know you'll die alone.
(LAUGHING) AMY: I'm so sorry, why are we talking to him? BRADY KIDS: Gonna find a rainbow Find a rainbow Find a rainbow In the sky JAN BRADY: Now I know what to do Yeah When I start feeling blue All I've got to do is close my eyes And I can find my rainbow in the sky BRADY KIDS: Gonna find a rainbow Find a rainbow Find a rainbow In the sky Gonna find a rainbow Find a rainbow