Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (2015) s02e06 Episode Script

Who Needs Josh When You Have a Girl Group?

1 Previously on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend - HEATHER: So, you and V are good now.
- REBECCA: Yeah.
I always knew I kind of liked you.
You're basic but in an enjoyable way.
So, you're hanging out with Uh, yeah, yeah.
Kind of like my bitches now.
- I'm Sunil Odhav.
Sunil.
- This is kind of embarrassing, but you know you two are wearing the same bracelet.
Yeah.
They're friendship bracelets.
Oh! Oh! O-Okay! - Uh, I got to go.
- REBECCA: You did not see his face when he left my apartment that day.
I was dead to him.
Like, he didn't want to spend any more time with me.
I promise you, I'm gonna fix this.
All we need is some random guy who went to Harvard at the same time you did and lives in Los Angeles.
- (computer dings) - Ooh! Trent.
Oh, that's a perfect name for a fake boyfriend.
REBECCA: Trent! Baby! Are you gonna kill me? No! Why would I kill you? I love you.
- This isn't happening.
- (chuckling): Right.
You're not we're not gonna have a relationship.
I'm just a girl in love La-la-la, lovey-dove I can't be held responsible for my actions She's an ingenue I have no underlying issues to address I'm certifiably cute and adorably obsessed They say love makes you crazy Therefore, you can't call her crazy 'Cause when you call her crazy You're just calling her in love.
Blam! Four pairs of flip flops, two pairs of water shoes, three skateboards, a bamboo epoxy surfboard, rainbow board shorts, shark board shorts, and rubber ducky board shorts.
And then we've got the hoodies, the cropped hoodies, the sleeveless hoodies, and then just some plain hoods.
And with the eight pairs of sunglasses, the waterproof dive watch, and Swimming For Idiots, that comes to $10,312.
93.
Thank you, sir.
Please call me bro.
Planning a big surfing trip, bro? No.
I hate the ocean.
I'm so scared of water, I spot-wash in the shower.
I almost drowned in a pool when I was little.
I'm just in town to infiltrate, or should I say "inchilltrate," a certain bro friend group.
It's part one of a 42-point plan that I call The Bunch Inception, and it starts with me getting in with this group of dudes.
Well, if you ask me, forcing friendships never works.
Oh, and if you ask me, I didn't ask you, Surf Shop Lady.
(indistinct chatter) Dude, move up.
Quit texting your new girlfriend.
Um, Anna is not my Ne.
We've only been out on three amazing dates.
Yeah.
You were single for a brutal 11 minutes.
I'm glad you finally found somebody.
MAN: Hey.
Uh, sorry, guys.
It's finals.
New policy.
150 bucks for a table, 50 bucks for the bar.
It's like Vegas.
Models and bottles.
A cover charge? (scoffs) At Home Base? Look, I love you guys, I appreciate your masculine bonhomie, but times are tough.
- Finals are my moneymaker.
- Oh, (scoffs) Come on! Kevin.
Just this once? - And also tomorrow night? - And also always, until the finals are over? Look, if you can't afford it, please just go.
I can't stand seeing the sadness in your eyes.
It hurts my heart.
All right.
- Thought we were boys.
- REBECCA: Oh, my God, I lurve having someone to go to the bathroom with.
Mm-hmm! Stall sisters! That's sweet, but next time, when you got to go number two, close the door, okay? Uh, okay, but just so you know, like, when I disarm the whole security system, it's like the back door unlocks with the front.
Know what I'm saying? You talk about pooping a lot.
What up, thirsty hoes? REBECCA: Hey! Oh, my God.
Heather, thank you for snagging us the best table in the place.
VALENCIA: Yeah.
My girl Heath hooked us up for the finals of something.
REBECCA: Ladies, if I may have permission to be just a wee bit hyperbolic - for a second, - Mm-hmm.
I've had the best time hanging out with the both of you.
Like, I think it's official that we're a squad.
Oh! Right? We're like Sotomayor, Bader Ginsburg and Kagan! Um, yeah.
Yeah.
This is so cool.
I've never been part of a girl group like this.
If peeing together is fun, I can't wait - for the next activities! Squee! - Squee! (laughter) Yeah.
I've also never had a girl group, and that's 'cause studies show that women tend to be indirect communicators - and I'm too direct.
- Ah! Speaking of which, here is a mint, because your breath doesn't smell, like, amazing.
Oh! Look at that.
Look at how you helped her.
You know what? When we stick together, I'm pretty convinced there's nothing we can't do.
Like, I don't know.
We could just take over the world.
- Totally.
- (gasps) Oh, my God, - I didn't tell you.
- Yeah, I feel that.
What? My name is actually Maria (voices fade, radio crackles) (British accent): You have now entered the world of the best friends squad.
And when you have friends that are this best, you feel unstoppable unstoppable.
So, prepare to surrender to the power of friendship.
'Cause we're gonna take over the world.
Like, actually.
We are actually going to take over the world.
Well, just just look over there.
When my friends and I stick together There's nothing we can't do And when I say that, I specifically mean We're gonna stage a coup (British accent): With the power of our gossip giggles We'll storm the Pentagon (British accent): Then celebrate With bottomless mimosas on the White House lawn We're gonna braid each other's hair Then cut each other's braids Connect the braids to build a rope To hang all of Congress Squad goals, stay together forever Squad goals, take control of the banks Squad goals, don't let a man come between us If he does, shoot him in the head Oh Friendtopia A dystopia around our friendship Friendtopia Our manifesto is fun Zig-a-zow Now that we have total control Get ready for what's in store Our reign will be like Sweet Valley High Meets 1984 When one of us gets dumped That becomes Memorial Day All agriculture will be diverted Into making us Rosé There's a really exclusive sushi place That never lets us in So when we don't get in, we say Let's just go home and drink Rosé Roll call Rebecca, the brainy one Head of censorship and mind control Heather, the cool one I put drugs in the water supply Valencia, the sexy one Czar of torture Oh Friendtopia We nostalgically watch Hocus Pocus Friendtopia Aw, I love Hocus Pocus Friendtopia All citizens must watch Hocus Pocus Friendtopia Or they will be killed Zig-a-zow.
(radio crackles) Okay.
Everyone in for a selfie? - Yes! Okay.
- Here we go.
Ready? Chin down.
- Hooker.
- Mm.
- (snapshot) - Oh, I think that was good.
- Let's approve it.
Yeah? - Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
- Approved.
Yeah.
- Both: Approved.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
I love the side angle.
- It was solid.
What filter? - Um - Valencia! - Valencia! - Oh! - Duh! Clearly.
DARRYL: So, this is your girl group, huh? Oh, yeah.
That's us.
And we spell "gurl" with a "U.
" Isn't that cute? - Really cute.
- Well, it seems a bit exclusion-y, I mean, since you do have other close friends.
Oh, wait, Darryl, are you talking about Paula? Yes, and others.
- Oh, Darryl, come on.
Don't start.
- There might also be other others who would enjoy being included.
Maya, don't start.
(mouths) Darryl, you don't you don't think that Paula feels left out by that photo, right? She doesn't feel like I've replaced her? DARRYL: Well, I can't speak for Paula, but getting back to the others that might be hurt by this photo.
OMG.
I think you're right.
Look at look at her.
Look how sad she is.
She totally feels left out.
God.
What am I doing? What am I doing? I've completely broken her heart.
I'm I'm a complete monster.
After everything she's done for me.
(exhales) Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
I can still fix this.
I can totally fix this, because all I have to do is blend my old friend somehow into my new friends like some sort of friend jambalaya.
Well, why don't you just invite Paula and your new friends and any really cool co-workers that you have, and just take them out on a little soiree.
No And then boom.
You've got a spicy, friend-y stew.
No.
Darryl, I love you, but that will never work, okay? You just can't glom a bunch of girls together who have nothing in common.
It'll feel gross and forced.
Ew.
No.
What I have to do is make it spontaneous and surprising, like, "Oh! Look who happens to be here.
"You happen to be here, you happen to be here.
"What a fun, spontaneous, not forced blend of Rebecca's friends!" Oh, and how are you gonna do that? I don't know, Darryl.
Just stop starting.
Fine.
(sighs) Word on the street (inhales sharply) is you have a super fun girl group! "Gurl" with a "U.
" Sassy.
I know something really fun that all girl groups love.
Naughty toy parties.
My fabulous friend Angelique throws them, she is such a character.
The girls have the best time.
She brings everyone together, all different types of girls.
Think about it.
(roars) Peanut monster! Oh, oh.
I'm sorry.
I-I thought you were my boss.
Oh.
All good, bro.
I think I'm lost.
Someone up front told me there's a bathroom back here somewhere? Oh! Yeah, it's, um It's right around the corner.
Wait don't I know you? Oh, I don't know.
Do you hang ten at the beach? Totally.
(chuckles) Hold up.
I do know you.
You're the guy who was dating Rebecca.
- Y-You had a cool name ? - Oh, it's Trent.
You take out the "T," it's Rent, you take out the "R," it's Tent.
It's a easy way to remember it, you know? And you're - Josh, right? - Yeah.
Wait, uh, don't you live in L.
A.
? How come you're all the way out here? Uh, I've been doing some tech consulting in Azusa, so lately I've just been chillin' in the San Gabes Vals.
"San Gabes Vals"? Dope.
Stealing that.
- All yours, bro.
- (both chuckle) I'll see you around town, okay? You gonna be at Home Base on Friday for the playoffs? (sighs) I want to, but they priced me out.
Bummer, man.
Actually, you know what? I just bought a table for me and some clients on my expense account.
There's still room if you want to join.
I mean, I don't want to force anything, because if you ask me, that never works.
(chuckles) Uh, can I bring my friends, uh since it's on your expensive account? Absolutely, Broheemius Maximus.
- I'll see you there! - Cool.
Cool.
Oh, hey.
On your way out, would you send my boss Alex back here? Uh, but don't tell him why.
A'ight? A'ight.
Yeah.
(mouths) (typing rapidly) (sighs) Hey, Paulsy.
Ew, no.
That sounds wrong.
I was wondering if you, uh, wanted some of my croistazzanut? It's a croissant, a donut and pizza.
- Oh, oh - Mm? No, that's okay, honey, I'm not hungry.
You know, a lot of things going on.
Got a big test coming up, torts you know how it is, you get it.
Yeah, um, hey, so I was wondering what you're up to on Friday night? Um, 'cause I was, I was thinking you could come over, see my new house.
We've been working real hard on it.
Oh, I mean that sounds really great, but, I mean, I-I've got I've got the torts test, so - Right.
- I mean, you know.
But here's the thing, I really miss you.
And I want you to be a part of my life and see everything.
You know, I want to take you and all of the other wonderful things in my life and just - smoosh 'em together.
- (chuckles) Well, you know, I mean, it does, does sound really nice, actually.
Yeah? I would love to see your new house.
So yeah, all right.
- Oh, yay! Yay.
Okay, great.
- Yay! (chuckles) Hey, so, tell your friend Angelique we are on for Friday night.
- I'm throwing a sex toy party.
- You got it.
And just to be clear, you're not invited.
Oh, you got it.
PAULA: We have to remember that federal courts in diversity actions apply the substantive law of the state in which they Let's just say the word.
Rebecca is needy.
She's M.
I.
A.
and now snaps her fingers and you just come running? Wow, you really don't want to study.
I'm just trying to help you out.
You're the one who's jeopardizing your torts test by spending time with your woman child.
Oh, and you haven't even told her about the decision you made and everything.
Yeah, well, you know, it's not easy to wedge an abortion in a conversation.
You just did it.
She is making time for me.
And I am I'm happy about it.
And I will try to tell her, I will.
It's just, you know, it's hard to tell people about serious stuff sometimes.
I mean, you know.
Wasn't it hard for you to tell people about your wife's suicide? I didn't have to.
She left a note on Facebook.
And this was before all those different "like" options, so people didn't know what to do.
REBECCA: Okay, so, let me give you the grand tour - Yes - of the new place.
Okay, so, over here is my bedroom.
- Mm.
- That's Heather's bedroom over there.
Bathroom.
And this is our kitchen - (gasps) - with brand-new appliances.
Oh you have an island.
What are you, a Rockefeller? I know, right? - Oh, my God.
- It's so cool.
Um, over here's our kitchen table for food - and heated discourse.
- (laughs) And so, yeah, the whole place is completely renovated, so it's basically like new.
Whoa.
Wow.
Okay, it's not that I mean, it's yeah, it's just paint, so (gasps) I know this place! This is where all those people were murd Look at those sconces! Oh, yeah.
Nice, right? So nice.
Honey, I am so proud of you.
Oh! - Oh - (chuckling) And you know what? I am really glad that we finally have the time to just put our feet up and you know, have a nice long chat just like we used to.
Um, so, chatting is fun, but you know what else is fun? No What up, biatch? We got the T-shirts.
Yeah, Rebecca, we got you a medium.
I wanted to get you a large because of your massive boobs, but Introducing the newest member of our girl group, P-P-P-Paula.
Hey, Rebecca, I'm gonna infiltrate your guy friend group tonight.
So, when, at a future time, you see me chillin' with them, you'll think, "He's so normal, I'm in love.
" It's the Trent is getting ready song The Trent is getting ready song Trent's getting ready Trent's getting ready The Trent is getting ready (yells) Crap! My back.
Slap, clasp, pull, hit the back.
You can do this.
You're the best.
Hey, um, we're not on Hey, Trent! Hey, uh, it's cool.
They're with me.
They're with me.
(chuckling) Slap, clasp, oh, pull.
Hit the back.
Hey.
- And that's how we do it.
- Cool.
Uh, well, these are my boys.
Uh, what's up Hector and White Josh? How'd you know our names? Yeah, have we met? Oh, um, I called you White Josh because you're a white person who looks like Josh.
And, obviously I called you Hector because I'm racist.
Yeah, that's right.
We got the table to ourselves for the momento, bromentos.
My clients won't be here for a minute.
You sure it's still chill that we chill? Dude, of course it's still chill that we chill.
Look, first, second and third rounds are on me.
ALL: Oh! Yeah.
Let's do this! - Dude, yeah.
- (whoops softly) Okay, that looks great.
Paula, I'm really sorry that I didn't have a blank T-shirt to work with and I had to write on the back, but I think it looks great.
What T-shirt is that? What-what T-shirt is that? Remind me.
Oh, the Breast Cancer Rock and Roll Walk/Run 5K, Parsipanny, New Jersey.
That's a great cause, great organization.
Sorry, I didn't make you a shirt, Paula.
I-I don't know how these girl groups work.
Did I do something wrong? No, you didn't.
You're doing great.
What happened was Rebecca didn't tell us Paula was coming or tell Paula we would be here.
- Oh - It's weird.
Okay.
There's that endearing honesty! (chuckles) Okay, who wants cocktails? (snaps fingers) Hey, honey, um, I-I don't mean to be a wet blanket, but, you know, I just thought that tonight was, was gonna be just us and you know, it's ju I just I have so much studying to do and I have to No, no, no, no, no, let me cut you off right there.
Please don't leave.
Please don't leave, it's-it's It's so important to me that you be here, okay? And I know why you're a little weirded out.
I didn't tell you that they'd be here because I knew you'd You'd make your face.
That face.
Just give me an hour.
One hour, okay? And if we're not all, like, totally blood sisters by then, you can leave, no hard feelings.
Okay? - Okay, okay.
- Great! Okay, great.
All right.
(Rebecca humming excitedly) Oh (sighs) Who's ready to slightly poison their bodies and create an artificial sense of warmth and well-being? (squeals) Okay Yeah, isn't this great? I don't know.
Paula seems a little uncomfortable.
Yeah! Okay, let's, uh Let's all Let's all take a selfie.
Let's take a selfie, let's take a selfie! Okay.
Let's do it.
- A selfie! - Okay, everyone get in.
Chin down.
Okay, okay.
(sighing) Okay, pucker face.
- Mm? - Okay.
All right, Paula, Paula, just go - Find your lens, Paula.
- No, I can't Just go Only your boob is in the lens.
Okay, you can only Yeah, you know what? Here.
And - Oh.
- (camera clicks) Smile.
Done.
It's good.
(sighs) You saw it, too, huh? What? No.
What? Another girl squad photo.
I'm so sad.
I want to be gal pals with Rebecca.
She makes me think women can have it all.
Hey, Maya, has anyone ever told you that your voice sounds like a mouse with throat cancer (high-pitched): talking into a little, tiny mouse voice box? Do you get that a lot? What? No.
I-I've never heard that before, but I-I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bother you, I'm just really sad that I'm not at Rebecca's house for the fun party.
Sweetheart, listen to me, you can't force a friendship.
Everyone knows that.
But what if you and I team up and we find a way into that party? Me? Team up with you? (laughing) That's just ridiculous.
I would have to be pretty desperate.
(sighs) What'd you have in mind? Nothing yet.
Okay, so, to refresh, it goes This song goes in a loop Dee loop It starts at the end And it ends at the start Of this song goes in a loop Dee loop.
Do you like it? I-I-I made it up in the shower this morning.
I really think it could be the new "John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt.
" Okay, you-you want to try it with me? This song goes in a loop Dee loop I think I need a noose Dee noose.
(laughing) Paula.
You put your own spin on it, and that's fun.
(doorbell rings) Thank God.
Ladies, get ready, because I have a surprise for you.
(chuckles) I think you're really gonna like it.
Paula, you especially.
Strap yourselves in for the naughtiest ride of your life.
(smacks lips) Ladies and ladies, may I present to you Angelique! Oh, God! - I got to be friends with Karen, too? - (door closes) Karen, what are you doing here? Where's where's your friend Angelique? Karen? Who is Karen? Je suis Angelique! (chuckles) Yes! Yes, come on! Yes! Yes, yes! Come on! Yes.
Come on, defense! Come on, defense! God, I'm hungry.
God, I'm hungry.
So, what are we doing after this, guys? Aren't you going to be hanging with your clients? What? No.
I just got a text.
- They're dead.
- Uh uh, what? What? (chuckling): To me.
Classic Trent.
Just joking around.
They're dead to me because they bailed on me.
But we would never do that to each other, right? I mean, bros for life.
You hungry, Hector? Hector, you're hungry.
Um, what do you want? Chicken wings? Everyone want a chicken wing? Yeah? Well, what I'm gonna do right now is get us a basket full of four chicken wings.
Okay, four chicken wings for my friends.
(phone beeps) Love the free stuff, but this is not worth it.
Yeah, he is real strange.
Pretty sure he murdered those clients.
(laughs) Sorry, just Anna texted me a picture of a cat dressed up like a dog.
Oh, my God.
Where does she find this stuff? Okay, so we're looking for something that says we're fun and that we're gonna bring the party up a notch.
So, what can we bring? Hmm? Now, there are no bad ideas.
This is a safe space.
We could bring a pineapple.
A pineapple?! You want us to show up at a party with a damn pineapple? Well, you didn't let me finish.
I read this cool thing where you take the pineapple and you soak it in rum overnight oh, shoot.
Mm, mm-mm, mm-mm.
This is a particularly naughty little device.
Ta-da! Is that a claw? Yes.
And a drainage hose? - Oui.
- And those are suction cups? Oui, oui.
Looks like Rube Goldberg got naughty, am I right? It's held on to your special area with a small, machine washable belt.
(giggles) You walk around with it all day long.
(whispering): No one knows.
Hmm? Then, around midday, your hubby gives you a little remote zippity zap.
(gasps, moans) (moaning) Kablow.
You just clapped your monkey in the middle of a business meeting.
- (laughs) - (phone buzzes) "Oh, I'm sorry, work superior, "but my badass hubby just made me kablookie in my pantsuit.
" Everyone knows what I'm talking about, right? Wait, are you what-what are you listening? No, I'm just I'm texting Scott about the kids.
Okay, okay.
And the best part it's only $175.
Hmm.
And it's made in America.
Here, touch.
Oh.
Mm, no.
(giggles) You have my consent.
(whispering): Touch it.
Here, touch it, touch it.
(in deep voice): Touch it! Okay.
(clears throat) W-W-W-Wait, you're not leaving, are you? No, no, no, no, I'm just I'm going to pee.
Okay, 'cause the products are actually really good quality.
Okay.
Once it's locked onto the cervix, that's when the fun really starts.
It may take a few minutes, - but you just have to dig around - REBECCA: Time out.
Guys.
Karen.
Je suis Angelique.
Fine.
Paula's not having enough fun.
Okay? She's not blending seamlessly into our group.
We need to include her more in our friendtopia.
Friendtatorship? No, I prefer friendtopia.
She just doesn't want to be part of the group.
You shouldn't, like, force it.
I'm not forcing, I'm aggressively facilitating.
She needs our help.
PAULA: Help! Do you hear that? She is literally calling for female group solidarity.
I will be right there.
PAULA: Lock is jammed! - I can't get out.
I'm stuck.
Help! - Okay, stand back.
(in British accent): Girl group to the rescue! Zig-a-zow! Oh, geez.
(whines) (screams) (all scream) (all gasp) (coughs) Get me out of here.
(groaning): I am trying.
Paula's stuck in the bathroom This night was already super weird And now she's stuck in the bathroom Whoever renovated this house Did a terrible job Valencia walks up to the beam and says I can try I have a deceptive amount of muscular strength Due to my amazing core - Ooh, ooh - Paula calls out from the bathroom - (mouthing) - Her little bird arms Are not gonna do anything Ooh - Then I step up and I'm like - Ooh - I'll try - Ooh My second sophomore year I took a kinesiology class - That's college for gym - Ooh Nothing happens Then we all look over at Karen The kind of deranged woman Who's pretending to be Some French chick Ooh - Karen says - Ooh Sorry, Angelique Has an epigastric hernia - Ooh - Gross.
Ooh I've had enough so I say - We need to call someone - Ooh - She's stuck in the bathroom - Ooh - She's stuck in the bathroom - Ooh Let's call 911 Wow, I can't believe it took us that long To come up with the most obvious solution - Kind of embarrassing - Ooh - Now Rebecca jumps and shouts - Ooh Yes! Yes! Hang in there, Paula - We're gonna get you out - Ooh, ooh - And she runs over to the phone - Ooh - Panicking - Ooh Meanwhile, Paula's still stuck in the bathroom.
- Shh, I'm on the phone.
- Sorry.
So, I was thinking, what about a weekend away? Right? Like a bro surf weekend? Whatever you guys are into.
You guys roller skate? Psych.
I know it's not cool.
(laughs) I've grown out of it.
Look, blades, though, right? And jackets with wings because, wait for it we are the Chicken Wing Boys.
Ca-caw! - Okay, I'm done.
- Yeah.
- I'm out, too.
- What? Wait, you can't leave.
The game's not even in its last part.
Uh, we'll just listen to it on the radio in the car or anywhere else.
Come on.
She called me boo.
She called me boo! - I'm so in! - Come on, boo.
Ow! Um, thanks for all the free stuff, Tent.
I mean, um, Rent.
Uh, honestly, man, it makes it harder.
Wait, wait! Bros, stay.
Chill! My boos! (men shout) Guys, I really need to sell something.
At least buy some lube.
It's great.
I even use it as hand lotion, which is why I'm always dropping things.
And it's edible.
- HEATHER: Oh, oh! - VALENCIA: Please don't REBECCA: Oh! - Oh! - Oh, God, Karen.
You know what, I'm out of here.
You guys are cheapskates and you not fun.
(French accent): Au revoir, losers.
Paula, Paula, I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry about the beams, about Karen, everything, but the fire department is on its way.
Okay? Um, if you get hungry, there's a Snickers in that medicine cabinet.
It's my bath Snickers.
And I-I'll text Scott and-and tell him what's happened.
- Okay.
- Um, I don't have his number.
Uh, okay, um, I'll text him from your phone.
No you hey! Don't uh I I'll just text him when I get out of here, so No, it's fine.
Uh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Hey, j-just don't worry about it.
Just-Just-Just put my phone down! It feels like Paula is trying to hide something from Rebecca that is on her phone.
Is this part of what girls do? - Should I be giggling? - (whispering): No.
Yeah, so I'm definitely gonna look at your phone now, Paula.
Luckily, I know your pass-code.
Oh, my God, I've got to change my privacy settings.
Just stop! Hey, ladies, do you want to know why Paula didn't want me to look at her phone? This is actually really funny.
Um so, Paula texted her friend from law school, Sunil, uh, quote "Help! I'm having the worst night of my life!" Unquote Okay, Rebecca, you put that phone down because you are violating the 2012 California - Electronic Privacy Act! - Oh! (stammers) Sorry, there's actually, there's more.
This part's, like this is when it gets really funny.
Um, she then says, uh, for him to come rescue her and then, "Quick, make up some story to get me the hell out of here.
" (Valencia laughing) - N-No.
- No? Oh.
Texts like these, like, bitchy texts, you used to send these to me.
You know, Paula, I was agonizing over whether or not you'd felt like I'd replaced you but now I realize I'm the one who's been replaced.
And you know, you never even gave this night a chance.
You never even tried.
Surf Shop Lady.
Super small world, the San Gabes Vals.
Hey, yeah.
How did your bro plan work out? Didn't.
You were right.
Forcing friendships is stupid.
And now the girl that I love will never have a chance to love me back.
Oh, my God.
Oh! You were doing this for a girl? Sweetie, why didn't you tell me that? Oh, that is so nice.
(high-pitched): Oh, I'm gonna cry.
Really? You think it's sweet? Forcing friendships is weird but forcing love is so romantic.
You got to force love.
Everybody knows that.
Look at Prince Charming.
He made a whole country try on a shoe.
So where is she? The girl that you love? - I don't know, probably at home.
- Then what are you doing here? Go to her now.
Run.
- Are you sure? - Yeah, go! Okay, all right.
Go get your Cinderella! (squeals, giggles) So, you couldn't even tell me to my face that you wanted to leave? (scoffs) Great.
(doorbell rings) - Um I'll get it.
- Oh, wonder who that is.
Hmm? N (groans) Hi, is Paula here? Uh, I'm Sunil, Paula's friend.
Paula, the dude you sent those mean texts to about us is here.
Yes, I have to tell her something.
You won't believe what happened.
I can barely catch my breath.
I just came to tell Paula that Timmy Tommy stepped on a nail and has tetanus already and has to be hospitalized.
So, that wasn't even almost a good lie.
Um, you sound like you're playing Pepper in a road company of Annie.
Excuse me, I have a degree in theater.
If you did, you would know that a road company, aka a national tour, (chuckling): is a very sought after engagement.
Rebecca, I am so sorry.
- Paula! - Oh.
- What happened? - Later! You know what? Don't apologize to me, Paula.
'Cause when the firemen get here and get you out, you won't have to be friends with me anymore.
- We could dress like caterers.
- No.
And do you want me to give you a list of the reasons why that's not gonna work? I can't do this anymore.
- I'm exhausted.
- Exhausted? We have a mission.
Show a little grit.
(mocking voice): What are you, a man or a mouse? Huh? Well, I know the answer to that.
I see your little mouse paws.
Oh, I'm nocturnal, but I'm still tired.
(squeaking) Darryl, stop it, okay? I've had enough of you bullying me.
You've done it ever since I got here.
I'm nice, I work hard and I'm smart.
The fact that my boss picks on me is making me worse at my job and negatively impacting my health.
(forces cough) You've created a hostile work environment.
Oh.
I mean, I was just teasing.
No, you weren't.
You don't like me and I want to know why.
Well, I don't know.
I don't know.
Yes, I do know.
Because you remind me of somebody I'm very uncomfortable with.
Me, myself and I.
Really? You're overeager, desperate to be included, forcing yourself on people, and I don't like that about myself, And when I see it on someone else, I find it even more repulsive.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
But it's not your fault, I swear.
Whatever your next idea is, that's what we're gonna do.
Do you mean it? 'Cause this one's really good.
(straining) Sorry, I haven't worked out since birth, so this isn't gonna work.
Somebody get me out of here! - Maybe if we all work together.
- SUNIL: Yeah.
Oh, oh, so now you want everyone to be together and do together things? (fake laugh) (knocking on door) Well, firemen are here, Paula, so your wish is granted, you can leave.
(women gasp) Trent? - (romantic music plays) - Rebecca, I'm here.
I am here to tell you how I feel about you.
And I'm not gonna wait another minute.
Trent, you weirdo-face, put me down! Although, you just scooped me up like I was a basket of muffins.
But put me down! What are you doing here? I'm here to make you try on a shoe.
(music stops) Dude, what? Keep talking, guys, still stuck in the bathroom.
- Oh, God.
- What? Wait, what's the problem? Well, Paula's stuck in there and we've been waiting for the firemen for, like, a long time.
Typical girl group stuff, right? No.
There's no need for a fireman.
Step aside, ladies.
We're not in your way.
- TRENT: You just - Whoa.
Got to force it.
(groaning) Here, here, here, here, here.
Oh, oh.
SUNIL: I got you, I got you.
See, you can force construction stuff, but not, like, friend stuff.
(groans) Wow, okay, so, Trent's here.
Why's Trent here? You know what? Don't tell me.
Just whatever nonsense is going on between the two of you, now, I just you know what? I don't want to know.
Come on, Sunil.
Yes, we have to go get Tommy before he's killed with tetanus.
No, no, no! You are not leaving.
We need to talk.
Now, you have been rude to me and everybody here this whole night.
And really makes me angry 'cause I did this all for you.
You did all this for me? I sensed that you were feeling left out of my friend group, and so I wanted to include you.
No, uh, you just wanted to feel better about abandoning our friendship.
You moved on from us as friends, which is fine, but just admit it.
(chuckles) So, I've moved on from you? What's going on with, uh, your palsy-walsyness with Daughter #5 from Fiddler? (chuckling): She has a name, it's Bielke.
- She's a principal character.
- Why is he always - talking about his theater major? - Because I know many theater majors.
They don't bring it up, they just are.
Also, you want to talk Fiddler sisters, bro? We got Tzeitel, Hodel, Chava, Shprintze.
And I'm not a theater major, I've just seen the show a couple times.
- Oy, no one cares! - He does.
Hey, Rebecca.
For the past few months, every time I wanted to talk to you, you were too busy for me.
Uh-uh, no, that's not true, that's not true.
- Oh - That's not true.
I spent hours on that letter of recommendation for you.
Yes, and when did you give it to me? When did you put it in my hand? After the deadline.
But-but (stammering) you said it was really good.
That's like saying a birthday cake is better the next day.
Which it famously is! Admit it, our relationship has always been one-sided.
I give, you take.
And that is how it works.
That's not fair, that's not fair.
That hurts me.
You've never been there for me when I need you.
Yes, I have been.
Just the other day I I came to your house when you were, you were sick with the flu or whatever.
- You didn't tell me what it was.
- That wasn't the flu, I had an abortion.
(sighs) Oh, my God.
You had an abortion? Yes, yes, I did.
- You didn't tell me? - No, I did not.
She wanted to tell you many times.
So, Kenickie's understudy there knows? - You told him? - Okay You've known him for, like, three days! Yeah, you know what? And he listens to me.
I listen to you, I would've listened to you.
You just didn't give me the chance.
I was, I was sitting there I was sitting there on the edge of your bed, and you said nothing.
I mean, I asked you, I asked you point blank if anything was wrong.
- You didn't really mean it.
- Yes, I did, yes, I did.
No, you didn't.
This is the problem, you never give me the chance.
You never give me the chance.
You never ask for my support with your abortion or anything else in your life.
I shouldn't have to ask! (siren chirps) The firemen are here.
- The emergency's over.
- DARRYL: Is it? I think the dance emergency has just begun! (music plays through boom box) We gonna keep it rolling Moving on a brighter day Try to pull me down, but I never slow up Hop on if you're coming my way We gonna keep it rolling Moving on a brighter day Smiling 'cause I see the silver lining Hop on if you're coming my way.
Do firemen just not come to this house? Who? What about that dance? That was pretty awesome, right? And so super easy to learn, you'll see.
Okay, now, Maya and I, we're gonna split you into two groups.
So everybody count off one, two, one, two, one, two.
What, no takers? Hey.
Isn't this the house where all those drug dealers were murdered Ooh.
Marble counter-tops, cool.
- What were you guys talking about? - (chuckles nervously) - (knocks on door) - Come in.
(door opens) Hey.
- I just wanted to say good-bye.
- (sighs) I'm leaving and I'm sorry.
I tried to force things.
First friendship and then love.
And now I know that forcing things doesn't work.
Yeah, I feel that.
And now I know that apparently horrifying things have happened in this house and I had no idea.
Listen, Trent, I appreciate you Schwarnegg-ing out back there, but what are you doing here? I haven't seen you in months.
Well, I found out that you broke up with Greg and Josh.
And so you're finally a free agent.
I hacked your texts and your e-mails.
Oh.
Wow, okay.
Yeah, I'm sorry about that, too.
Um, good-bye.
Wait.
Are you clean? Yeah, I spot-washed this morning.
What? No, I meant, do you have any diseases? Like, the big ones? No, I just got a physical.
My body is perfect.
Great, want to have sex? Are you kidding? Well, I mean, I'm bored, I got nothing to do, and plus, it might cheer me up.
So are you in? - Yes, please.
- Okay.
Hey, hey, hey, just to be clear, though, I don't want to see you again after this.
Understood? Understood.
Okay, what? (squeals) - Can I kiss your mouth? - Y-Yes.
Mm.
So, can you show us in person? 'Cause I watched online like 50 times and I just I keep messing it up.
And everyone's doing it at every party.
Oh, yeah, that's how you get to 1,800 views.
(chuckling) So many.
So, does it have a name? Oh, yeah, it's got a name, it's, uh - it's called the Maya.
- (gasps softly) Hit it, M-Dog.
(boom box button clicks) 5, 6, 7, 8! We gonna keep it rolling Moving on a brighter day Try to pull me down, but I never slow up Hop on if you're coming my way We gonna keep it rolling Moving on a brighter day Smiling 'cause I see the silver lining Hop on if you're coming my way I came a long way, reversing the wrong way (chuckles) Wow.
Trent, I got to say, um That was amazing.
You're, um you're really good at at everything, actually.
I mean, you're just so patient.
Thank you.
No, it is I who should thank you.
(exhales) For taking my virginity.
No.
No, I n-no, I didn't.
Yes, you did.
Do you want to take it again? Eh, okay.
No, no, no, no.
You got to pay the toll first, buddy.
Okay.
Come on.
There we go.
This is my favorite.