Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (2015) s02e12 Episode Script

Is Josh Free in Two Weeks?

1 Previously on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend Does this have something to do with your dad? Oh.
You know, my dad is a real jerk, too.
I have plans, Naomi.
You're her father.
She loves you.
Are we okay? The answer doesn't have to be yes.
Good, because the answer is "eh".
Help! We're stuck! - Just calm down.
- I just can't be stuck in here, and I cannot be stuck in here with you.
I acted crazy and then there-there was that rando kiss between us, - but it's never gonna happen again.
- Whatever you say.
I was wondering if I could pay you an exorbitant amount of money to move your wedding date.
When is it? What's the date? It's in two weeks.
(screams) The wedding is in two weeks.
Two-two weeks is insane.
I'm just a girl in love La-la-la, lovey-dove I can't be held responsible for my actions She's an ingenue I have no underlying issues to address I'm certifiably cute and adorably obsessed They say love makes you crazy Therefore, you can't call her crazy 'Cause when you call her crazy You're just calling her in love.
Blam! (exhales) (doorbell rings) Oh.
Hi, Patrick.
Okay, what do you think of this one? Now, don't worry about the walking, 'cause I can always shorten the train, or the length of the aisle.
Um, you know, I think I like the lacy one from Tuesday better.
Really? The strapless Gone With The Wind thing? Oh, my God.
I don't know.
I wear the same outfit every single day.
Um, aren't you supposed to go to a fancy lady store - to buy a wedding dress? - Yeah, that's what you normally do, but this isn't a normal situation.
I'm getting married in less than two weeks, Patrick.
Oh, right, because a spot - opened up at the Malibu place.
- Exactly.
And that's the only reason that you moved up the wedding? Because from what you told me, it seems like you got locked in an elevator with your fine boss No, no.
I never called him fine.
I may have said he's "foine.
" In any case, suddenly, lickety-split, planning the wedding of my dreams.
And I actually tried to hire a wedding planner, but, you know, you try getting one of those bitches And I do mean bitches On board with an 11-day planning window.
They're like, "We can't do that.
There's no time for me.
The-the binders.
" Well, maybe ask your mom? I mean, that seems like the normal thing to do.
(laughs) Help you with your wedding? Did you help me with my wedding? No, you just sat in my uterus giving me heartburn and making me look like a big fat pig.
Hold for injectables.
But, Mom, your Ow! You call that numbing? Rebecca, I can't come early.
I'm doing a few little things to my face.
Filling, freezing, lasering, and by the end of this day, I'm gonna look like an empanada.
It's gonna take me at least a week to recover, so forget it, don't be ridiculous.
I'm not being ridiculous, I'm trying to be normal.
Normal shmormal.
You'll figure it out.
She's pretty terrible.
So after that didn't work, I reached out to my mother from another mother (doorbell rings) Paula.
Ah, look, if it isn't the ingenue beset by tragedy.
And if it isn't the plotting understudy, just waiting in the wings with a bag of marbles.
Okay, look.
We're busy.
We're studying for finals, so - Hey, Sunil, stop it.
- (groans) Hi.
Cookie, what's up? Hey.
I was just wondering if you had any time to help me with a couple of wedding things.
- Yes.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
Did you not just hear me say we have finals? Paula.
You were just telling me how you've stress-chewed through so many pencils you're gonna have to get adult braces again.
You know what? I'm-I'm sorry I came over.
I didn't mean to worry you.
The wedding planning is actually almost done.
There's just a couple of cherry-on-the-sundae, nutmeg-on-the-latte things to get done, but finals are way more important.
So I will nutmeg this wedding latte myself.
So I'm handling it all myself.
I mean, unless you want to help.
I would, but I'm the delivery guy, so Right, right, right.
Of course.
I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.
This isn't normal.
I shouldn't even be - touching you like that.
- Oh, no.
That's cool.
You know what? I will handle this alone.
I mean, plenty of dum-dums plan perfectly good weddings all the time.
Hey, bridey.
How's the planning going? Great, great.
Hey, oh.
Let me show you something; look at this.
Check this out.
I already got 50 "yes" RSVPs.
Four high-target "maybes", and even the "nos" have a little colon-end-parentheses on them.
Um - Old school smiley faces.
- Yeah.
So this wedding is on.
- Isn't that exciting? - Yeah.
Um, your dad didn't RSVP to your wedding? Oh, no.
Of course not, no.
He never shows up for anything.
I only invite him to feel bad about myself.
- Yeah.
Smart, mm-hmm.
- So anyway, people are coming, the wedding is going on and I'm just planning it all myself, - which is, uh, what I am doing now.
- Wait.
You're planning the wedding yourself, like a DIY wedding? Do I why wedding? Because I love Josh.
No, DIY: Do it yourself.
DIY wedding.
That's yes, yes.
That is what our wedding will be.
DIY wedding.
Oh, look at these.
In fact, our wedding is going to be a lot like this one Dustin and Sasha from Halifax, Nova Scotia.
- Oh.
- Our wedding is gonna be a lot like uh, almost like You know what? Exactly like their wedding.
DIY makes it so much easier.
It's the opposite.
'Cause all I need to do is pick up some twinkle lights, some burlap sacks, some mason jars, more mason jars, lotta mason jars.
Wow, they have mason jars for everything.
For the candles, and cocktails, and succulents and lightning bugs.
This is great, 'cause all I need to do is spend a day at a craft store my wedding's done.
- Well - I love DIY because it's-it's an easier, yet completely normal way to do a wedding, right? Uh-huh.
Are you sure? 'Cause it looks like a lot of work.
So let's look at their Web site.
Look at that.
They even have a to-do list.
So open source.
Thanks, Dust and Sash.
(exhales) Valencia.
What are you doing with all that craft stuff? Um Wedding stuff, huh? Yeah.
I'm-I'm doing this whole DOA, DUI, DIY thing.
Uh, what are you doing here? Oh, I make my own candles so rooms smell like me even when I'm not in them.
It's basically the only reason I teach yoga any more, so I get to use my candles.
Um I know you've probably gotten all my texts, but - I really miss you.
- Don't.
I-I can't, please.
JOSH: Dear God, I know you're busy with everything from Afghanistan to the Zika virus, but if you have time we could really use your help with our fast breaks.
Oh! And, uh, while I have you, if you could have Macy's restock the new Jordan 5's, size ten, that would be awesome.
Okay, break.
Let's go, let's go, let's go.
Hustle, hustle.
There we go.
Those kids love you after just a couple weeks.
You're a natural, Chan.
And I mean that with the kids, not with basketball, obviously.
What? Okay, that's absurd.
Clearly, you didn't see me dunking on Jimmy earlier.
- He's 11 and we lowered the hoop.
- Still.
It felt so damn good.
I was like, "I'm five eight" (grunts) (laughs) Dude.
Thanks for coming in today, man.
Figured you'd be busy with, like, wedding planning, or Oh.
Nah, no, no.
It's okay.
I mean, Rebecca's handling most of it.
See, one of the reasons we decided to shorten the engagement is that she's so good at wedding stuff, and loves it.
Josh, just make sure this wedding is happening with you, and not to you.
Right? Like that time you walked around with curtain bangs for six months because Valencia thought she might want to be a hairstylist.
Um, I'm involved with this wedding.
Very involved, okay? Like, I got a ring, I proposed, I asked you to officiate, and obviously, I came up with the hashtag, bunchofchans.
I mean, that's a good-ass hashtag, so you got me.
- You are on it.
- (laughs) Huh.
(bell chimes) (clears throat) (bell chimes) - (clears throat) - (bell chimes) I never even wash my hands.
Oh, come on.
That's not even a sexy one.
That looks disgusting.
So I'm gonna assume that it's healthy.
It's my restart button.
It cleanses everything out.
I couldn't find any place in this stupid town to make it correctly, so I made it myself.
It's got spinach, - Blech.
- Kale, cauliflower, Thai mung beans (groaning) Why do you have to cleanse? I mean, you know, what'd you do? Gain, like, half a pound? No.
Stop looking at my wrists.
I just don't feel normal when I'm packing some extra ounces.
Anyway, where is Rebecca? It's almost 11:00 a.
, and still no sign of her yet again.
Uh, well, no.
You remember? She-she called in sick.
She called in, like, really, totally sick.
I don't believe in sick.
If it's not cancer, you come to work.
In fact, most cancers are a half day.
So that drink really cheers you up.
Rebecca epitomizes the kind of laissez-faire attitude that I haven't been unable to stamp out around here.
For example, what is that? Hmm? What is this? This has got dead skin all over it.
Oh, that's mine.
I have psoriasis.
Come on, people.
We need to tighten the ship.
If my father was to walk in this second, he would put everyone over his knee and not do anything To scare you.
We need to focus, okay? And you need to start acting like normal people.
(loud swallowing) There was powder at the bottom.
Oh! You need to call your little friend, and tell her to come to work now.
(elevator bell dings) Ugh.
Paula said you wanted to see me.
I wanted to see you? (laughing) No, I wanted you to come in to work, so I could tell you, you need to come in to work.
I don't want to see you.
I don't want to see you, either.
I have a super fast wedding to plan, so Yeah.
Funny how that happened.
Elevator, kiss, boom, rush to the altar.
(laughs) You think I moved up my entire wedding just 'cause we kissed? Don't flatter yourself.
Okay, so we're done here? We're done.
Well, you're not getting paid for this week, then! Coo-Coo-Cool! Okay.
Dustin and Sasha.
Your list's a little longer than I thought.
But you know what? It's manageable.
It is.
This was in the tray for you.
And there's ten more pages printing.
Oh, boy.
Tiny font, double-sided, no margins.
- Who formatted this? - Maya, go away.
Go away.
- Hi, honey.
- Hey.
Okay, so, check this out! I got this $200 label maker today, and (gasps) look at this! "Sparkling water from Joshbecca Mountain.
" Okay, so what we're gonna do is fill that bottle with homemade bubbly water that I'm gonna make in that soda maker that I just bought today, also for $200.
So, uh, this is our wedding.
What do you think? I think it's great, and, uh, I-I really appreciate everything you're doing, but I have wedding ideas, too, you know.
Oh, okay.
What are they? Okay, like, like, like, I want to wear a forest green tux.
That's my favorite color.
Oh, so, Dustin wore a 1930s high-waisted vintage tux that had a tear in it that he patched over with a piece of gabardine from his father's wedding suit, so I'm sorry.
I went online today, and I got you a vintage tux with a hole in it, that I'm gonna patch over with a swatch from your father's radiology scrubs.
Then what about my idea for a Sugar Ray cover band? - Splenda Ray? - So funny.
I got your text about that, but Dus and Sash They had a jug band with a guy playing the spoons, another guy on the washboard, and there's just a lady who hums.
And so I already went on Craigslist today and posted an ad for a hummer.
Um, and I've gotten a lot of responses.
Uh, so, you don't like any of my ideas? No.
No, no, no, that's not it at all.
It's just that we're doing something very specific.
Look at these pictures with me, okay? (sighs) And pick out something you like, and whatever it is, we'll do it.
(sighs) Well, I I do like this.
Oh, I hadn't seen those before.
What are those? Those are origami cranes.
I like those.
I was really into origami when I was in the fifth grade.
We could make them together.
Sounds cool.
Great! Let's look for a tutorial online.
NATHANIEL: The key to good planning is good organization.
And the key to good organization is foresight.
(clears his throat) Anticipating the needs of the client so that (stomach grumbling) Aah! What's wrong? You okay? You're turning an odd color.
Oh! (stomach grumbling) (stomach continues grumbling) (stomach grumbling) That is the sound of my body defeating fat is all that is.
(passing wind, stomach grumbling) Oh.
So, um clearly someone has passed gas.
And we don't need to talk about who did it, but if somebody wants to be loyal and to do the right thing and take responsibility, then we can all move on.
MAYA: I did it! I farted in this enclosed room.
And she might do it again, folks, so we should all be prepared for that.
(Nathaniel sighs) (stomach grumbling, Nathaniel groans, passing wind) Oh! MAN: Fold the paper in half by taking the top corner and folding it to the bottom corner.
The crease should run from the left corner tip to the right.
Use your nails to make a sharp crease.
Fold the triangle in half by taking the left corner and folding it to the right.
Take the top flap and open it, creasing it to the left and right side so you can fold the top right corner to the bottom corner.
(birds singing) Oh, no! Oh.
I fell asleep.
Yeah, you did.
It's okay.
I was up all night, and I made 25 cranes.
Three or four of them might not be usable due to the blood from my paper cuts.
- Oh, God, Becks, I'm sorry.
- No, no.
No, no, it's fine.
It's fine.
We'll finish it together later.
Um, I just I got to go do some some other things on this list.
It's okay? Yeah? (yawning) Yeah.
No, no.
Wait, wait.
Wait, wait, wait.
Huh? Yeah.
Yes! - (knocking) - Come in! Hey! - Hi! - I was on my way to work, and I thought I'd stop by and see how it's all going, and maybe help you choose a dress? Yeah! It's going great.
You have a lot going on.
Oh, what's this? This is cute.
Oh, no, no, no, don't sit in it! Don't sit in it.
Very, very, very bad.
It's not a chair for sitting.
It's just for imagining what it would be like if you could sit in it.
What are you making? Cake pops! Yeah, they're Dasha and Sustin's favorite.
Ach! Sorry.
Their names are not It's-it's-it's-it's Kasha and Justin.
- No, no, it's not.
It's fine.
- Okay.
I-I want you to I want you to look at me.
Okay, I want you to zoom up, focus up and just really look in my eyes.
Okay, I'm looking.
Postpone the wedding.
Do it! Do it.
I'm-I'm begging you.
Uh, no, I can't.
I already have 85 RSVPs, so it's, uh, too late.
Too late.
Too, too, too, too late.
Also, Paula, why are you trying to talk me out of getting married? Oh.
What do you have against this wedding? Nothing! That's-that's not what I said.
I I know.
Look, I know it seems like this is a lot, but really, I'm in an okay place.
- I almost have a dress picked out.
- Ooh! I mean, I was gonna wear the dress that Sasha wore, but she wore her mother's dress, which is not an option for me, 'cause my mother burned her wedding dress.
She was five months pregnant when she got married, so she decided to get rid of all of her disgusting fat clothes.
Look, these-these cake pops here They-they look really complicated.
Oh, but one's a lady, and one's a man.
It's adorable, but how about, you know, just forget these.
Okay? And ooh! I can go to Costco! I can order you a sheet cake! Oh, God, everybody loves a Costco sheet cake.
- That's so great.
- (gasps) Oh, my God, that's such a great idea! Oh, that's so much easier than Oh, God, what am I even what am I even doing with this stuff? - I'll take care of it.
- Yay! Okay.
Oh, thank you, Matron of Honor.
Matron of Honor in the house! - Killing it! - Yeah.
Thank you.
You're a lifesaver.
- Okay.
I love you.
Bye! - Bye! Okay.
Yeah, these cake pops are gonna be amazing.
Best wedding ever! (elevator bell dings) (sighs, sniffles) Um (stomach growling) (sighs) (knocking) (sighs) Are you supposed to wash kale before you put it in a smoothie? Just asking for a friend.
(sniffles) Nathaniel? Hmm? You have to go home.
You're sick.
No, I'm not sick.
(sniffles) I'm not sick.
(clears his throat) I don't believe in sick.
It's like my dad always said, "If you're not missing a leg, you walk it off.
"And if you are missing a leg, you limp it off.
"And if you're missing two legs, thank you for your service.
Here's a quarter.
" It is so weird.
We have nothing in common, and yet we have the same father.
(stomach grumbling) Seriously, you guys need to leave the office right now.
- I really think - No! No, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
(passing wind) Mm.
No! No.
No! What just ? Oh! No.
(groans) Is it is it still happening - right now? - Mm-hmm.
- Aah.
- And still? Yeah.
(groaning): Oh! All right.
You did it, so that's all over.
He didn't do anything! It was me! I pooped my pants in this enclosed office.
Let me roll you - to the bathroom.
Let me help you.
- No! I'm fine.
I don't need help.
I got this.
(grunts, sniffs) Nothing to see here! Everyone go back to work! There's nothing to see here, okay? (birds chirping) (sighs) Oh.
Hey, Sara, I was hoping no one would notice me - sitting here alone.
- Really? You just waved me over here.
You okay? Yeah.
Just a you know, just a little bummed.
You know, I had a bunch of ideas for the wedding, and she didn't like most of them.
I don't know.
I-I'm starting to feel like I'm showing up at someone else's wedding.
Well, Josh, what do you really want? You want to see? Josh, that is awesome.
- Yeah, but she said - No, you got to go for it.
Otherwise you'll always feel like it wasn't your wedding.
You're right.
(chuckles) Thank you.
God, you're so chill.
I gave you that suit so you could drive home in it.
Darryl, I can't go home.
We have that meeting.
In fact, we need to get going to that.
Oh, God.
(groans) Okay, you know what, you are not ready for any kind of meeting, sir.
You look bad.
And it's not just the suit.
I Yeah, you should rest.
Hey, tell you what, we'll get started without you.
You take a nap or something.
You can join us later.
(scoffs) A nap? I don't nap.
I'm a man.
What? Napping is manly.
Bears nap for, like, what, months? Right? What could be more manly than a bear? A lion? Oh.
Well lt's like my dad says, naps are for children, the elderly, and weaklings.
Your dad has a saying about naps? Hey.
Your old man isn't here.
You can do whatever you want! That's right.
Your dad's not here, and we are.
And we're telling you you don't need to take a nap like a little baby You can take a nap like a man.
Take a man nap! Come on! On the couch.
Feet up.
Come on.
It's a man nap Time to nap like a man Sleepy, sleepy cuddle time Nap like a man Life is so tiring When you're a man Squinty, squinty, mouth agape Nappy-nap man Oh, baby, the day is long Work is stressful It's exhausting being so damn strong It feels so right to just let it go 'Cause as a man gets older His testosterone starts getting low Man nap Time to nap like a man Suit jacket is a blankie now Nap like a man Life is so intense When you're a man Drooly, drooly, dreamy smile Nappy-nap man.
(exhales) (knocking at door) Hey, can I hang out here? My house is really stressful right now.
I need wines.
Do you have wines? Yeah.
(exhales) Thank you.
Come on in.
Dude, you cannot believe how hard Rebecca is bugging out over this wedding.
It is, like Wait.
No, I should not be talking to you about this.
Eh, it's okay.
Really? 'Cause your good friend is now marrying your ex-boyfriend.
I mean, if I were you, I would hate them both.
I know.
It's weird, but I don't.
(chuckles) I truly am over Josh.
And if Rebecca wants to marry him, then good luck to her.
Really? 'Cause you seem a little out of it lately.
(sighs) Like, I took your yoga class, and corpse pose was basically the whole class.
Truth is, I actually don't know what to do with my life right now.
- You know what I mean? - Yeah.
Like, I truly don't miss Josh.
Like, at all.
Like, ugh.
But I had planned this whole future around him.
Like, our wedding, our kids, our house, our couples Halloween costumes.
- Mm.
- And now I have to plan this whole future for myself, and I don't know what it is.
Like, I don't even know if it still includes yoga.
That's a bummer.
That sounds really hard.
But I came here 'cause I was stressed, so wines? PATRICK: What are these for? I don't know.
I-I don't know.
I don't know, Patrick.
I They're probably supposed to go on something or in something or be hung.
Or maybe they're all just giant pens.
I Whatever it is, I'm doing this all alone, so I'm gonna screw it up.
(phone chimes) It's an RSVP from my dad.
What is Hey, so, um, the answer's no.
My dad's not coming to my wedding.
But-but it's okay, 'cause he actually sent a really sweet note.
"Stuck on a remote construction site "in Alaska, tough to get flights, can't make it.
" Great.
Great, great.
I I'm not disappointed.
It's what I expected.
Of course my father's not coming to my wedding and walking me down the aisle.
Of course.
'Cause that's a normal thing, and normal things are not for me.
Oh, man, that's tough.
Well, I should - probably keep going on my run.
- Hey.
Hey, hey, Patrick, please don't go.
I really need someone to talk to, and you're the only one that I can talk to, um, because I've messed everything up.
And if anyone knew how much I messed things up, uh, they might never talk to me again.
(exhales) Patrick, you were right.
About my boss.
Okay? (sighs) That time in the elevator we got stuck, there wasn't just chemistry.
He wasn't just "foine.
" We kissed.
Uh, no I-I kissed him.
I kissed him.
And ever since that happened, I have just been scrambling to make this wedding happen to just smooth everything over.
And I've been trying to do it like a normal person.
But, of course, that's not working, because I'm I'm not a normal person, okay? I'm not Dustin, and I'm not Sasha.
I'm not from Nova Scotia.
And I'm freaking out.
But you're here.
You're here.
And you can help me.
I can? Tell me I'm okay, Patrick Tell me, please, that's all you have to do Just one little okay And you'll be on your way Patrick, I really need that from you Tell me I'm okay, Patrick No pressure, but I seriously need to know I realize your occupation Is not gentle validation But just this once, Patrick Give it a go You represent The outside world 'cause you don't know me Your perception of me is completely pure You don't have an agenda That's why I need you to lend a Hand, Patrick 'Cause I think I'm fine, Patrick But I'm only, like 43% sure Tell me I'm okay Patrick Or even something in the ballpark would be nice You can phrase it how you want You can make it nonchalant Forget the "O" Even just "K" would suffice Seriously, Patrick, was I sick the day in school they taught you how to be a normal person? It just feels like there's something fundamental I'm missing out on.
Like, is there an instruction manual? You get what I'm saying, Patrick? It just it just feels like everyone is in this cabal of normal people, and they're all laughing at me like I'm the jester in my own Truman Show.
Patrick, tell me what the secret is.
Just tell me what the secret is.
Is there a manual? Do you have the manual? I know you have the manual, Patrick.
I know it's in your truck, Patrick! I'm sorry that I yelled, Patrick But I need just a little more from you today So, Patrick, hear my plea Make one last delivery Say the word Patrick, tell me I'm okay Am I okay? REBECCA: Patrick, I'm I'm so tired.
(elevator bell dings) (quiet chatter) Oh, my goodness, uh, Mr.
Plimpton, Senior.
How wonderful to see you! Uh, to what do we owe this enormous privilege? I was on my way to Palm Springs.
I came by to say hello, see how things were here in the hinterlands.
- (laughing) - So where is he? - Where is Nathaniel? - (clears his throat) Um, he's Well, he's actually currently engaged in a very important male rite of passage.
Isn't this his office right there? Yes.
Um Just (Paula hits Darryl) Pop, you're here! (laughs) Um Were you asleep? Are you suddenly a baby, an elderly, a weakling? Were you feeling ti-ti? I was, uh I No, I was, um I was sick? Sick? Really? You look fine to me.
Actually, I feel a lot better.
It's amazing what a nap can do.
What are you wearing? What is this suit? You look like an unsuccessful oil tycoon.
I'm sorry, Dad.
We'll discuss this later when I can safely breathe through my nose.
(sighs deeply) Don't pity me! I pity you! HEATHER: Dude, just don't touch anything.
(laughter) Oh, my God I want to see all of Rebecca's wedding stuff.
I just love wedding stuff! Drinking in the day time is fun.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no! Yeah.
Rebecca? What is going on in here? Did you murder a wedding? Seriously, this is a disaster.
Why are you doing this all by yourself? I don't know.
Because I don't need help.
And, you know, I'm doing a do-it-yourself myself.
(groans) Oh, you're right.
This is a fiasco.
I give up.
I'm just gonna have to settle for the fact Josh and I are gonna have an F-minus wedding at an A-plus venue, which means it'll be a C, which everyone knows is actually an F.
(sighs heavily) All right, just, if you want any of this stuff, take it.
Really? Those are the pricey pussy willows.
Just help yourself.
I'm gonna go to bed, 'cause it's the one thing I'm good at.
(sighs) Ow.
What are you doing here? Thought you were planning your fancy wedding and couldn't be bothered to do your job.
I was.
Um But I'm kind of giving up.
I don't know.
I'm gonna move the date back or something.
Maybe then my mom can help me, and my dad can even show up.
Um, did you guys want to sit at the same table? Wait.
Your father's not coming to your wedding? No.
No, he's, um he's stuck on a remote construction site in Alaska, which, now that I'm saying it out loud That is a total lie.
He just doesn't want to come.
Even if I move the date.
It hurts.
I wish it didn't, but it it does.
MAYA: My father and I e-mail each other Westworld theories every Monday.
(footsteps approaching) V, what are you doing here? I brought you a wedding.
- My wedding.
- What? I had this at home.
It's everything you need.
It has a table of contents, an index and up-to-date vendor cards.
Oh, my God.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Do you not want me to have this? No.
I do.
You just need to pull a lot harder.
This is hard for me.
- (groans) - Oh, nope.
I can't give this to you.
(laughing): You're gonna mess it all up.
(sighs) - I'm gonna do it.
I'll do it.
- Do what? I'm gonna plan you the wedding of my dreams.
I'm gonna be your wedding planner.
What? You need one.
Like in the movies with the headsets and the black pant suits? Yeah, wow, I would actually totally crush that look.
Oh, my God, she so would.
Valencia, you would actually do this for me? No, it's not for you.
It's for the institution of weddings.
(crickets chirping) I don't care what anyone says! I love it! Oh, hey, Josh.
Where's Rebecca? Oh, she's taking a bath and doing a moisturizing treatment on those damaged cuticles and flaky heels.
No bride of mine is gonna be shedding like a snake while walking down the aisle.
I'm planning your wedding.
What are you wearing, by the way? You look like the guest of honor at a park ranger gala.
REBECCA: Oh, V, thank you.
I feel so much better.
Hi, Josh.
You, um Mm.
She She's ? So, I finally asked for help.
So, Josh, that tuxedo goes in the garbage along with the weird vintage tux Rebecca ordered.
I scheduled a fitting for you tomorrow at 9:00 a.
Put it down.
From now on, you're on a strict diet.
Don't forget, I know what gluten does to your face.
Patrick, I am so glad you called me.
I had no idea what was going on with Rebecca.
She's not confiding in me at all.
Both of her parents letting her down? Yeah, I thought you'd want to know.
(laughing): Oh.
I always want to know.
Hey, Rebecca, something came for you from New York.
Did you order anything? No.
I didn't.
It's from my mother.
Really? What could it be? Hmm.
This is perfect.
I don't understand.
H-How did this happen? You useless piece of crap that calls herself a mother! Your daughter called you to beg you for help, and you refuse her?! After a lifetime of treating her like a dog with scurvy? No, you shut up, Naomi! You get your ass to the most expensive bridal boutique you can find right now, pull out your credit card and get something in a size six that is beautiful and magical and will make everyone cry, you horrendous excuse for a person! You do it today, and you send it overnight! (sighs) Sometimes moms just come through.
Thank you, Lucia.
God, it's such a great - dress.
- Mm.
Well done, Naomi.
- She has good taste.
- Mm-hmm.
It's really disturbing how normal you look in that dress.
I do?! Thank you! (phone chimes) - Oh.
- Okay, fitting is now over.
For the wedding shower, or we'll be late for the bachelorette tonight.
Rebecca, I put your outfit on your bed.
Ladies, chop, chop.
It's about to begin.
- (sings note) - (doorbell rings) Is it gonna be weird for you to see your never-in-laws? Heather, I'm a professional.
Also, they kind of treated me like ass.
(gasps) Baby food jars are the new mason jars.
Aren't they the cutest? The personal succulents you can pick up on your way out.
- You're really good at this.
- Yeah, duh.
- (overlapping chatter) - Can we get a drink? (overlapping chatter) Baby food jars, totally trending.
Have one.
WOMAN: Mine's like a Christmas tree.
It has, like, berries and HEATHER: Yeah, should I just keep holding this? VALENCIA: Yeah.
Just Doing great.
Does anyone want another one? Oh, no.
Cheers to the bride.
WOMEN: Cheers.
Rebecca, that zoning motion you just turned in? Are you serious? Darryl and I need to see you in his office ASAP.
- What?! - Come on.
You know, usually when someone poops their pants, they gain a little bit of humility.
Heard about that, huh? (Rebecca scoffs) Where's the ? Dad? What are you doing here? Someone sent a private plane.
It barely gets used.
You're here! You're really here! (laughing) (Nathaniel groans) Thank you.
(clears his throat) Why would you do this? Because I know what it's like to care about your dad and what he thinks, even if you wish you didn't.
Thank you.
(Darryl sighs) Mmm.
Reminds me of Marley & Me.
You're the Labrador.
(crying): And he's the owner.
(crickets chirping) Okay, just a few more touches, and press "live.
" (gasps) Guys, check this out.
I outdid myself.
Oh! Oh, V, that's That's just beautiful.
Over my dead body.