Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (2015) s03e02 Episode Script

To Josh, With Love

1 Previously on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend The wedding is in two weeks! I want to become A priest?! Josh is leaving me to become a priest? I'm gonna mail him my poop.
But tell him it's cupcakes.
We are all here to help you take down Josh, but we are not gonna help you take down yourself at the same time.
- What are you doing here? - Oh, I was just, uh, I was just running by, and, um You are understandably obsessed with me.
No.
Sue him.
Suing Josh, that's actually a really interesting idea.
There is tons of case law that justifies suing him on behalf of Rebecca.
It's perfect! This révenge will actually make you feel better.
I know it.
Crazy's when I go off the rails This is what you've done to me Crazy's how your loving makes me feel This is what I always want to be I like it when a girl gets crazy in bed Don't mess with a bitch who's crazy in the head (cheering) - You do - You don't Want to be crazy - And you don't - You do Want to be crazy To clarify, yes, no on the crazy We hope this helps.
What? (rapid typing) PAULA: Oh, I am so excited! Suing Josh Chan is the best thing we have ever done.
Ah, doesn't it feel great to do something rational and effective? I mean, can you believe your first revenge idea was to mail Josh poop in plastic containers? - Yeah.
(chuckling) - Yeah, wow.
That was a silly thing that I definitely did not do.
Josh is about to get what's coming to him.
- Not poop.
- (laughs) Not poop! Anything but poop.
Definitely not poop.
Anything but poop.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Oh, he's such a loser, anyway.
(scoffs) I mean, what a fool.
I would've loved to have been a cross on the wall at that seminary when he showed up there, right? - Err! - Eh! (mocking): Where's Jesus? Duh! Can I still have sex and be a priest? - No.
- No, you can't.
- (makes goofy noise, laughs) - That's what being a priest is.
Dope church.
Make yourself at home.
Father Rodrigo will be right with you.
Oh, I thought you were Father Rodrigo.
Oh, no, no, no, I'm just the door priest.
Huh.
Well, I can't wait to start over, Door Father.
Let's just say there were a few things going on in my life that I feel a little guilty about.
Like a wedding I was supposed to go to and didn't.
But I don't have to feel that way anymore, because I'm going to be a priest and priests have no guilt, right? (door closes) Door Father? Hmm.
I've got my head in the clouds 'Cause that's where Heaven is No longer stuck in the muck on the ground I figured out how to live It's with my head in the clouds Got no cares anymore No obligations Are holding me down That's what religion is for Anything you want to confess, my son? Not anymore, priest me.
(church bell rings) Reality was getting so complicated All the drama was getting insane But now I've given my life to Mr.
Jesus Christ So I'm speeding down the carpool lane God's my E-Z Pass I've got my head in the clouds Blessed with a permanent smile I feel just like Little baby Moses On the day he was found on de-Nile It is just a river in Egypt I was almost toast, but now I got the Holy Ghost Pew! Did someone say "Holy Ghost"? Whoa, that's what you look like? This is what you think I look like.
Now let's dance.
Yeah! Off to lunch with Casper.
My puzzle is solved 'Cause I'm absolved My life will be splendid Now that I've transcended When things get scary Just say ten Hail Marys I'm Turin off my shroud With my head in the clouds.
FATHER RODRIGO: My son? How can I help you? Oh, Father Rodrigo.
I am so honored to meet you.
Father, I have come here to this holy place to join my brethren and walk the halls of divinity as God shines his light on me.
- Oh, boy, we got a Maria here.
- What? Son, have you been considering the priesthood for a long time? Oh, yeah.
The whole drive up here from Malibu today.
And there was a Sig Alert.
(laughs) Well I hope you understand, it's a big commitment.
A typical priest's training takes four to six years and involves getting a master's degree in divinity.
And you'll have to take a pre-theology class.
Oh, yeah, I knew that.
(scoffs) "Erry-one" knows that.
(chuckles) It's in the damn Bible.
Oh, sorry.
- Look, if you haven't really - thought this through, or you're just trying to avoid responsibility for something you've done, you can go home.
What? I-I'm not trying to avoid responsibility for anything.
I'm just here to go to priest school.
Preschool? Priest school.
Ah, oh, yes, yeah.
Yeah, we don't use that term for that exact reason.
Oh, I wish I could see the look on his face in 12 to 15 months when a judge hits him with a $600-to-$800 fine.
Wait, $600-to-$800? That's like a pair of shoes.
Maybe for you, bitch.
- Paula? - Yes? Can we take a quick time-out for some nonjudgmental truth time? - Always.
- I just don't know about this, okay? You're working so hard, and the case is super, super clever, but I'm just not satisfied.
I-I want to do something big and now.
And-and, like, suing Josh just It feels (sighs) Okay.
You know when you eat a whole bag of iced ginger snaps, but then you're like, "What? There's still a hole inside me," so then you move on to shoplifting, and the next thing you know, you're in your dorm, surrounded by unitards and fuzzy pillows from Urban Outfitters and the hole's still there? It feels like that.
That's why you have so many unitards? I was more of a lipstick and Sambuca shoplifter myself back in the day.
- Interesting.
- Yeah.
Okay, so, Paula, instead of this, can we do something, like, savage and brutal and primal? Right? Please? No.
- What? - No way.
Rebecca, we have found the perfect legal, ethical and public way to get back at Josh.
I mean, we actually have the high ground.
We never have the high ground.
No, it's true.
And you know I am down for a nefarious plan as much as the next gal, but this plan is legit, and you won't get in trouble.
So this case is the way to go.
I promise you.
This is a good thing.
- But I want a bad thing.
- (Paula sighs) NATHANIEL: This is bad.
This is really bad.
What the hell is wrong with me? I can't believe I showed up to Rebecca's house with a stupid excuse, visibly aroused in my running shorts.
She got to me.
Rebecca Bunch got to me.
With her, "Blah, blah, I'm sad and vulnerable.
" And then her now, "Blah, blah, blah, now I'm all hot and tough with budding triceps.
" What, is she doing dips all of a sudden? I fall for every stupid thing that she does.
Honestly, I can't believe I'm letting you down, the person that matters most to me.
But don't worry, Captain, I'm shaking it off.
Old Nathaniel's coming back.
Ice-cold, in control.
A real man.
(Tim scatting) Guys! My avocado tree has gone certifiably insane.
Help yourselves.
Guac o'clock, people.
Hey, Maya, catching up on all the best ways to get a peach-shaped booty? No, because I love myself, and I don't purchase any periodicals which engage in body-shaming.
By the way, young adult women's periodicals are doing some of the most relevant and honest reporting out there right now.
- (chuckling): Oh, yeah, I'm sure.
- It's true.
Look at this study about the orgasm gap.
Did you know that studies show women only orgasm 39% of the time during sex, while men finish 91% of the time? That doesn't even make sense.
People are orgasming 130% of the time? (laughs) Uh, check your math.
And you check your privilege.
As a woman, I can tell you these studies are completely based in reality.
Not my reality.
I'm a king in the boudoir.
Every woman I've ever had sex with has obviously orgasmed every time.
Especially my wife.
And you know that because? Because, when we're having sex in our favorite position, I'm on top, going a mile a minute, we always gloriously finish at the exact same time, every time.
Tim, you have never given your wife an orgasm, ever, not even once.
REBECCA: Hey, Tim, you ever have someone in your life who's trying so hard to please you, but they're just doing it wrong? And so you pretend to like it 'cause you care about them, you really do, but, I don't know, you just kind of have to fake being satisfied? What is happening? What have you heard? Did you talk to my wife? What? You're being so weird.
Okay, what's this meeting about anyway? Oh, my God, I'm not in the mood for Nathaniel right now.
He's been so doe-eyed and feelingsy lately.
He's like a woman or something.
Shut up, stop talking.
Here's the deal, losers - you know that place on East Cameron? The family Korean barbecue mom-pop? It's been there for 30 years? Oh, yeah, Chae Won's BBQ? I love that place.
Chae Won is so nice.
He always gives me extra kimchi, and his adorable grandmother's in the back making tofu soup He's about to be obliterated.
The Ivywood Mall Corp, who we represent, needs the lot that Chae Won is on.
So we're gonna get that place shut down, and we're gonna get it demolished, so that our client can build their discount wicker lacquered napkin ring, capiz shell chandelier palace.
Nathaniel, we can't do that.
I mean, Chae Won Is a loser who doesn't pay our bills.
- George, what are you doing here? - Oh, I hired him back.
I need a flunky to work full-time on assassinating the character of this Chae Won fella.
George, any dirt yet? Uh, no.
N-No dirt on Chae Won yet.
Um Ooh, except for the dirt that he digs up every weekend at the community garden for the homeless.
- I know, right? - Oh, come on.
- Sorry.
This guy grows a hobo a salad and you think he's exempt from capitalism? What is wrong with Tim? (quietly): I don't Wake up, Tim! I told you what to do, now do it.
Okay? I got to go.
My neighbor's dog is barking all night.
I'm gonna take that little bitch to the vet and get its vocal cords ripped out.
He's so awful.
Oh, yeah, yeah, no, he's-he's-he's terrible.
He's awful.
He's bad.
- (exhales) - (doorbell rings) (sighs) What are you doing here? How do you know where I live? I have my ways.
Company directory.
Hmm.
What do you want? I want your hard, throbbing ruthlessness.
And I want it bad.
Who talks like that? Shut up.
Listen to me.
I need you.
Because you are the worst person I've ever met.
(scoffs) Clearly you didn't summer in the Hamptons.
Ha, ha, ha.
But seriously.
You're an amoral sociopath with no conscience, and I need someone to help me destroy Josh Chan, who is an evil genius, a monster, a dead-eyed fiend.
You, so (clicks tongue) what do you say? I say get out of my apartment.
Rebecca, I'm not getting pulled into your drama, no matter what you say.
No, no, no.
Listen.
You really don't understand.
Okay, I-I seriously need you.
I've been trying to come up with evil schemes, but they just come up, like, lame and childish.
Of course they do.
Why do you think I hired George to get rid of Chae Won? Huh? Because you have the heart of a weak, dying kitten.
Exactly, that's what's getting in my way, and that is why I need you.
Listen.
Nathaniel.
I know you want me.
And I've been making you wait for it.
But not anymore.
- I said you need to - Shh, shh, shh, shh.
Just listen.
Okay? Hear me out.
My whole life - I've wanted to be bad - To be bad, to be bad, to be bad But whenever I tried The result was always sad So sad, so pathetic, weak and sad However, now I know A certain beau Who doesn't worry 'bout what's decent or right That's you Yeah, I got that.
So how 'bout now, you teach me how To be ruthless and cruel, yeah, I'm ready tonight So strip away my conscience Peel away my values Rip off my compassion with your teeth Pound away my morals Spank off all my kindness, ooh! Expose the dormant bitch that lies beneath You devil Lead me to the dark side Like a lamb to the slaughter Then do me in a hot tub filled with evil 'stead of water Let's make war, not love, all night and day It's hot here in Hell, so Strip it all away Stop hitting yourself.
(fingers snapping rhythmically) Yeah, baby, you're a soul-sucking Corporate piece of trash Who only cares About sex, lies and cash So tell me 'bout your sins And shock me with their luridness Let me be your pupil, let me choke On your cocksuredness Innuendo Strip away my conscience Tear away my Jew guilt Kiss around my sense of right and wrong But not on it, it's sensitive Baby, it's such foreplay - When you slither like a moray - Eel! It's worth the discomfort of my thong You're like Professor Snape In his sad dungeon with his potions 'Cause somehow you don't have that sucky thing Called emotions 50 shades of morally Grey And thongs are so uncomfortable, so Strip it all away (fingers snapping) Strip it all away Strip it all away Strip it all away That was just up my butt.
(clears throat) So, what's your point? If you help me destroy Josh Chan, I will let you do anything you want to me.
And I mean anything.
Yes, that.
Whatever just crossed your mind: that.
You're telling me you don't want to do that? JOSH: It's a challenging program, yes.
But in four to six years, I'll have my master's, and then there's the postgraduate internship, the Alaskan mission where I shadow a priest in a small fishing village.
I'm already taking a super fun pre-theology class.
I think there's a few months of silent prayer in there.
Wow.
You hate this.
No, I don't.
(scoffs) I don't.
Bro, come on.
What are you doing? Just come home.
This is ridiculous.
He's right.
This is ridiculous.
So, what? Did you guys drive all the way up here just to be, like, all critical? No.
We came up here because no one has heard from you since you bailed on your wedding.
Yeah, it's been weeks, and not a single Instagram Story from you.
It's unprecedented.
You just Father, Son and Holy Ghosted your entire life.
(stifled laugh) That was good.
Yeah, yeah.
Look, I know things must be rough with Rebecca.
I mean, w-what did she say when you talked to her? Oh, you haven't you haven't talked to her? - At all? - I know.
I know! Ugh! It's so bad.
Okay, I've had an apology e-mail to her in my drafts for weeks.
- Oh.
No, no, no.
- No, no, no.
No, I swear, I swear.
- Come on.
- But what do I say? "Sorry for bailing on you because I'm not even sure we know each other well enough"? Uh, yeah.
Exactly that, except not in an e-mail.
What matters here is that you have to have that conversation with her face-to-face.
Seriously.
I mean, are you really gonna become a priest just because you don't want to have an awkward conversation? No.
I-I'm becoming a priest because I'm a good person who thrives in an academic setting.
(quietly): Josh.
And because I want to stay here.
I like it here a lot.
I think I'll major in Christmas.
- Hmm.
- Mmm.
MAYA: Okay, Tim.
- We're gonna go over this again.
- Oh, my God This is the area that you need to pay attention to.
I know what that part is, but that's not actually the important part.
The important part isn't even on your stupid diagram.
You guys know what I'm talking about.
It's not on the outside, it's on the inside.
The G-spot, guys.
The G-spot.
You just go in, in, in, in, up, up, up, and then back, back, back.
That's the spot.
That does it every time.
Oh, co okay.
All right.
I know what you guys are trying to do.
You guys are trying to shake my confidence.
You know what? I'll admit, it almost worked.
Yesterday, you had me a little rattled, but then, I went home and I had marital relations, and my wife was very satisfied by my foolproof method, which, again, is in, in, in - Tim.
- Uh what? Look at this scientific study.
70 to 80% of women only achieve orgasm from direct stimulation of the clitoris.
- (stifled laugh) - It's the anatomical source of basically all female pleasure.
It has 8,000 nerve endings.
A penis only has 4,000.
Guys, my wife is satisfied.
After we make love, she is very happy.
She pops right up, she goes into the bathroom, she brushes her teeth - Brushes her teeth? - Yes.
I can hear the buzzing sound of her electric toothbrush.
She really loves that thing.
You can hear her moaning when she gets a good patch of plaque.
Then a lot of moaning right towards the very end, and then she switches it off, and walks back in, all happy and glowing Sounds like quite the toothbrush.
Sounds like a vibrator.
Oh, my God.
Hey, George, do you know where Nathaniel is? Uh, no.
No, he hasn't come in.
I have to go though.
I have to go plant dead rats in Chae Won's kitchen while he's out describing paintings to the blind.
- Oh, my God, he's the best.
- He really is.
God, it's so weird that Nathaniel's not here.
I mean, I made him a proposal on a very enticing piece of business.
I mean, it's a really enticing piece of business.
It's smoking, if you ask me.
It's been doing tricep dips.
Anyway, he hasn't gotten back to me.
I don't know what you're saying.
That's fair.
I'm sorr (exhales) (elevator bell dings) For moi? Okay.
What? - (gasps) - (quietly): Yes.
Oh, my God.
"Proposal accepted.
Meet me tomorrow night on the noof.
" The "noof"? The "roof.
" God, calligraphy is so confusing.
(sighs) What are you? (shouts) Mm.
(whispers): Whoa.
Ah (gasps) (chuckles) Ooh.
Oh, my God.
Mm, very sexy.
Why is everyone in this office always talking about sex? Wow, you look go wait a minute, where's the dress I bought you? Oh, right, yes.
I donated that to the West Covina Middle School Drama Department because only a 13-year-old girl could fit into it.
Well, you do have an unconventional body type.
Yeah, also, we're not even gonna discuss the lingerie you gave me.
Uh, the bra was like two delicate tissues held together with floss and the panties sliced my muffin top into a hamburger bun.
Wow.
A lot of feedback here.
Sorry, I'll be sexy again.
Anyway, um, so where are we going? What's the plan? Well, I will tell you when we get there.
Oh, good.
I love secrets.
Hey, um, why did you change your mind? The sex, you know.
It's just a simple transaction for me.
Oh.
Uh-uh-uh.
Not until the deal is done.
I watched Cruel Intentions in the car on the way over here.
Oh, that is such a good movie.
- (helicopter whirring) - (both shout) What? Oh, no, my dry-bar uptini! It's a helicopter! Yeah, no, I get that! (Rebecca shouts) - Just get over here, get over here.
- Oh, okay.
- (helicopter whirring) - This is so sexy! Just land it! Just land the damn helicopter! Oh, what is this place? Well, usually, it's a spin-lates gym, but tonight it's something extra special.
Ooh.
(gasps) What's that? Did I mention? This party is a masquerade.
No! You didn't mention that! I would've remembered if you'd mentioned that.
Oh, my God, this is so fun.
Ooh, can I be the tiger? Can I please be the tiger? - You need to shh.
- (whispers): Sorry.
Sorry.
(both clear throats) (whispering, singsongy): I get to be the tiger.
Behind this curtain are the most powerful people east of the 5, north of the 10 and some parts of the 2.
So, South Pasadena, basically? Yeah, more or less.
Craig lives in La Cañada Flintridge, but it's close.
- Shall we? - Ooh.
(sighs) Four people in this room have the ability to ruin Josh Chan's life forever.
And one can just make it super annoying, so we'll skip him.
Now, it's time to destroy Josh Chan.
(sighs) Dear God, I have to read all this religion and Bible stuff, and I don't understand any of it, and it doesn't interest me at all.
No offense, Big Guy.
So, when I open my eyes, can I just be a priest, and look cool, and hand out wine and wafers, and not at all feel bad about leaving Rebecca at the altar? (groans) I knew that wasn't gonna work.
I'm not Aladdin.
I just thought it was gonna feel so satisfying, but it doesn't at all.
(sighs) Just feel like I'm faking it.
(echoing): Just feel like I'm faking it.
PAULA (echoing): Tim, you have never given your wife an orgasm.
REBECCA (echoing): Fake being satisfied? PAULA (echoing): Sounds like a vibrator.
REBECCA (echoing): You're doing it wrong.
MAYA (echoing): 39% of the time PAULA (echoing): Not even once.
Such profound humiliation Such all-consuming shame The buzzing from the bathroom Has finally been explained That was no electric toothbrush No facial scrub device And now I finally know the meaning Of the words "Tim, that was nice" We used two different positions Every other Sunday night All her writhing, moaning, sighing I thought I was doing it right But as I drifted off to slumber Thinking I had brought her joy She would slink off to the bathroom (buzzing) With that blasted plastic toy Oh, the buzzing, cursed buzzing That damn incessant hum I used to think I was a hero Can't believe she didn't come To tell me that she needed So much more than I could give Now the buzzing from the bathroom Tells the lie that we both live What is pleasure but a union When with one soul another joins? Yet I'm haunted by the buzzing From the bathroom Like tinnitus Of the loins.
(buzzing) (cries) So, what's the plan? We split up.
Your job is critical.
You see those - three women over there? - REBECCA: Uh-huh.
I need you to distract them while I talk to their husbands.
You can talk to them about anything, anything at all, except for raising taxes, charter school vouchers and being pro-choice.
Can you do that? - Absolutely.
No problem.
- Good.
Mmm, I love this champagne.
The level of carbonation is just right.
Mm, well is it champagne or sparkling wine? I never know.
Oh.
(laughs) One of life's great mysteries, like how to fix public education.
Actually, it's not a mystery.
You just adequately fund school districts irrespective of their tax base.
Kidding.
Uh, vouchers are the only way to go, am I right? Mm.
Mmm, this Brie is divine.
I know.
Soft cheeses are like crack to me.
Crack, yeah.
Crack, that is a funny thing to make a joke about because it is not at all a cheap drug disseminated by the CIA during the Reagan administration to decimate our inner cities.
(laughs) Damn it, I mean, uh, Nancy Reagan was a national hero and a style icon, right? - (chuckles nervously) - (groans) You are absolutely right.
Uh, Roe v.
Wade is nothing short of judicial activism.
Oh, thank God.
Oh, my God, I was about to tell her that states should be free to make individual choices, but reproductive rights You performed flawlessly.
The table is set for our plan.
Oh.
- What do we do now? - Now we dance.
Is this part of the plan? No, I just wanted to dance.
Oh.
(laughs) Nathaniel, why are you doing all this for me really? Honestly, I don't know.
I When I'm around you, I stop thinking about myself and I think about you.
It's very confusing.
(chuckles) Wow, that's for you, that's not confusing.
That's-that's like a miracle.
(laughs) I'm losing patience I'm losing patience And you're losing time You're losing time So don't hesitate So don't hesitate So don't get too shy Rebecca, it's done.
We did it.
Done? What do you mean? We just ruined Josh Chan's life for good, the two of us.
We're unstoppable.
I don't want to wait Let's get out of here.
Uh-huh.
No more No more Hey, you don't have to do this, you know, regardless of our deal.
I want to.
I've always wanted to.
No more.
(Upbeat music playing) (Rebecca moaning softly) Well, that was actually very satisfying.
Isn't it always? Only 39% of the time.
There's some interesting literature on the subject, but, Nathaniel, tell me, what did we do to Josh? Mm, you sure you want to know? I don't want to corrupt your innocent soul.
Mm, no, no, no, tell me, please.
Well, okay.
You said you wanted to ruin him, right? Uh-huh.
Well, to ruin a man, you have to go after what he loves most.
Video games.
- Not that.
Okay.
- He cares about family.
Family.
Okay.
So that's what we went after.
We went after Josh's family? Oh, okay.
First, Josh's sister, Jastenity, she's about to be accused of plagiarism and kicked out of Cal State Northridge.
Oh Oh, really? That's a bummer.
'Cause she just got on the dean's list.
Not as much of a bummer as what's gonna happen to Josh's father.
- Oh uh, Joseph? - Joseph.
He is about to be audited for financial malfeasance at his radiology lab.
There's gonna be criminal charges.
And once that happens, he'll be a felon, and his permanent resident status will be revoked.
- Oh, my God! - And that's not all.
I'm saving the very best for last.
Josh's grandfather is about to draw his last breath.
His lolo? What do you mean? One of the men at the party owns a chain of hospices.
We have direct access to Lolo and his oxygen tank.
You're gonna kill Josh's lolo?! (video game beeping) (scoffs) Eat it, zombies.
No one can rise from the dead.
It's stupid.
Josh? Uh, Father, um sorry.
Um, I'm sorry.
Uh, obviously, you know, Jesus can and-and-and-and did, and will again rise from the dead.
Right? Huh? - (laughs) - Son, is everything okay? Did you talk to God? (exhales) I talked to Him earlier and asked Him not to say anything, but I thought He might blab.
No, you just seemed upset, so I was expressing concern.
Anyway, I have noticed you seeming torn about your decision to come here, so I decided to come by with a special treat for you.
- Jelly beans? - No.
At the service today, I thought you might want to pass the collection basket.
Are there no openings in wine and wafers? No.
It's basket of nothing.
Okay.
I do have a cool suit from my almost-wedding.
Can I wear that? Okay, buddy, I'm gonna say yes to that one.
Cool.
Geez, this frickin' guy.
Oh, my God, undo it, undo it, - just, right now! - Fine, I'll undo it.
But you said you wanted me to do evil things.
That's what I did.
I-I thought that's what you said you wanted.
Yes, I No.
I don't know.
I don't know, I don't know.
Nothing feels right.
I've tried everything.
I've tried mailing poop, I've tried the fake sex tape, I've tried Paul's lawsuit idea.
Stop, go back.
You tried mailing what? But just none of it is helping me feel better.
And your plan I'm sorry, it's awful.
Well, so picky.
Sounds like you don't like anyone's porridge, Goldilocks.
Why doesn't anybody understand what I really want? Well, what do you really want? I want him to face what he did to me.
He left me at my wedding.
He just left me, he left me like a fool standing there in that in that big, stupid waste of an expensive wedding dress.
And he didn't even let me confront him in front of everyone.
He didn't let me embarrass him the way he embarrassed me.
He robbed me of that moment.
Well, what would that have done? That would have just made things even more humiliating.
It would have made me feel good.
Wow, I'm so sorry.
I'm really sorry about all this.
You did all this for nothing.
Um I got to go.
Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed I got to go.
(Rebecca sighs, clears throat) (knock on door) (sighs) - - Josh didn't even get the poop?! (sighs) Thank you, my son.
Easy with the "my sons," my son.
Oh.
Roger, Father.
(doors open) Paula.
(chuckles) Oh, no.
What? I am so happy that I ran into you.
I have been dying to thank you.
Thank me for what? My beloved and I had the best night of our 11-year marriage.
She had a very satisfactory climax, and it's all thanks to the women in the office, including you.
- What are you talking about? - Your cutting comment about me never giving my wife an orgasm.
It changed my whole life.
Huh.
I don't remember saying that, but, you know, if I tossed out a mean comment that changed your life, you wouldn't be the first.
And by the way, if your wife never told you she was not getting off in 11 years, that is on her.
I mean, clearly, you two have a giant communication gap that really speaks to some very deep problems in your relationship.
Anyway, working on a case Big game-changer, so see you later.
Oh.
Bye, Tim.
Happy Sunday.
Rebecca, what are you doing here? Why are you wearing that? Oh Oh, you don't like the sight of this? Huh? Thought you'd get to go your whole life without seeing this? Good morrow, congregants.
Sorry to interrupt.
I'm Rebecca Bunch, and I'm here because I need to confront my ex-fiancé, who jilted me at the altar seconds before our wedding two weeks ago.
Rebecca, let's go outside and talk.
I-I'm sorry, Father Rodrigo.
(laughs) Wow! Wow, you're apologizing to him.
To him! And, no, I will not go outside and talk.
I want everyone to hear what a fraud you are.
Y-You're right to be mad at me.
I-I should have reached out to you, - but God had called me.
- Josh, God did not reach out to you.
You're hiding, because you're a coward.
It's been two weeks, Josh.
I have been waiting for anything A text, an e-mail, a phone call And I've I've heard nothing.
Yes, you're right.
I-I should have e-mailed.
I-I have a draft.
I can pull it up.
Miss, we're in the middle of a service.
Father, do you know what this person did to me? - We really don't want to know.
- MAN: We want to know.
Great, great.
'Cause you're gonna know all of the terrible things he did to me, and all the terrible things he made me do.
I never made you do anything.
Oh, yes, you did.
With every twinkly smile, every kind compliment, every little love kernel.
And that's why I did all the things I did.
I had to do them.
You made me.
Hit it! (intro building) (sultry, mid-tempo melody playing) After everything you made me do That you didn't ask for You pay me back with rejection Pain and loss After everything you made me do That you didn't ask for I'm the one who should be up there On that cross You want to know all the things I did for you? I moved here for you 'cause that day in New York On the street you led me on I whored myself out at Beans's house Just to find out where you'd gone I had to clog my garbage disposal When you ignored my calls I watched you have sex with Anna While I was hiding in a bathroom stall I also watched you have sex During a poop attack on Thanksgiving I now associate toilets with heartbreak Welcome to the hell I'm living When you asked Valencia to move in I was such a mess You can ask Paula, she saw it all From the camera on my dress I ran over Anna's cat just because I had to know If she actually styled eyebrows Or if she was dealin' blow I paid some chick $10,000 To take her wedding slot That's how I moved our wedding up And, oh, yeah, I almost forgot You gave me that worthless proposal And not even two weeks later I made out with my boss When we got stuck in an elevator You're nothing without me And my selfless humility I held you up despite the fact You lack brains and ability After everything I've done for you I thought love was the reason why But now, Josh Chan I say Good-bye.
(stomping footsteps echoing) (door opens, closes) My goodness, son, I am so sorry.
Sorry? You're sorry? Don't you see what this means? It wasn't my fault.
It wasn't my fault.
There is no reason why I should feel guilty.
(laughs) Thank you, Lord! (continues laughing) (breathing heavily) (exhales, laughs) Oh Oh, wow.
Oh, I feel so much better.
I did it.
(laughs) Oh, my God, I told him everything.
Oh, my God, I told him everything.