Cuckoo (2012) s05e04 Episode Script


1 God, I love the pub! It's just a place where everyone's equal.
Everyone's your friend, you know? - Hello, Ken.
- Oh, bollocks! I followed you here for some bro time.
Now, high on my agenda is me marrying your sister and finally penetrating your family unit.
Let's make this happen.
Hark! It's Ken Thompson! - Sorry, do I know you? - I have a gift for knowing people.
I know Graham, for example.
Graham, whose actual name is Steve? I will speak.
Ken Thompson, you will be the Liberal Democrat Parliamentary candidate for Litchfield.
Right, that's very specific.
And you, Graham, will invent an award-winning sex toy called The Jolly Rooster.
- Yes! - Really? Very illuminating.
- She's crackers.
- Yeah, I know.
Although, fun fact, my name actually is Graham.
You what? Yeah, I changed it to Steve by deed poll some time ago.
I mean, Graham is just a bit boring.
- So you mean she's actually? - Yeah.
How did you? Hell's bells, Ken, she's gone! - Oh, no, wait, she's over there.
- Oh.
So you just need to sign here and here, and your divorce will be through in ten days.
- Congratulations.
- Wonderful! My brother said you were an expert at this mindless clerical staff.
Always nice to receive a compliment! There is this other little thing.
I got this darling little letter from UK immigration.
It said, "Ivy, your visa has run out and you need to leave the country within 90 days!" So, what's that about? Well, I think it means your visa has run out and you have 90 days - to leave the country.
- But I can't go back to the States, they'll pin Ron's crimes on me! So, what do I do? Well, you could get a job.
Or you could get married once the divorce comes through.
There you go, I'll marry a wealthy Englishman, someone like Sean Connery or Liam Neeson.
Right, you do only have 90 days, though.
90 more days than I need.
Are you a millionaire? Will you marry me? No, I'm with Tash.
Although if I wasn't Still no.
She said YOU'D be an MP? It was like a prediction, like she'd seen it in a vision.
Spooky-kabooky! Did make me think, though.
Remember when I was making waves at the Lib Dems? Nina wanted me to be a councillor.
Yeah, till you took an E and puked on her! Yeah.
I should have liked a life in politics.
You're going to go into politics? Oh, no, it's just something an old lady said down the pub, it's nothing serious.
Politics! Now, THAT would have made Daddy happy.
I often worry what he would have thought about you had he seen you living like this.
(THEY SHOUT) Oh, well, hello! Oh! I am hoarse, I'm actually hoarse! - That was fricking awesome! - Where were you? At a march to release this innocent journalist.
You renegades! Y'all have fun out there shaking your rattles? Actually, we're fighting for the poor and the oppressed, Ivy.
Which is sort of you now, isn't it? - (THEY LAUGH) - (PHONE PINGS) Oh, Twitter's saying that Douglas Markham's resigning.
- Isn't he? - Our local MP! - It's going to be a by-election.
- Ken, don't, it's a coincidence.
It's a bit weird, isn't it? That's exactly what that old woman said! Yeah.
We probably shouldn't read anything into it, though.
(PHONE PINGS) Ken? It's Nina, she wants me to come in urgently, she's something important she wants to discuss.
Spooky-kabooky! Well, I'd made the money I wanted to make, Yusra, and I just really couldn't get on with being an estate agent.
Everyone's so grasping.
That's just not me.
And working in a garden centre IS you? I don't see any horticultural experience here.
Oh, I've got experience.
Let's just say I used to look after some pretty exotic plants.
Your previous job was drug dealer? Well, drug dealer AND grower, yeah.
Well, isn't that marvellously dangerous? I like a grower.
Well, Dylan, you seem a likely young man, you could fit in here very nicely.
Thing is, how do I know if you're any good or not? Do you have a portfolio? Examples of your work? Well, I might have an eighth of a portfolio.
Mm! Just so you know, this means you haven't got the job.
Brilliant, I didn't want it anyway.
Oh, wait, I'm going to slip into something more interesting.
- Yeah? - Oh, yeah.
- You're going to love this.
- Am I? Am I going to love it? Oh, yeah, baby! I'm nearly done.
- OK, I'm coming.
- Come on, I'm ready.
So what do you think? This is new.
Sorry to hear about Douglas Markham, Nina, have you? Have you got a replacement yet? Well, difficult times call for a fresh face, and I think that you in particular will be very surprised to hear who we've gone for.
Do I know them? It's a local colossus, hitherto barely involved in politics.
And someone not a million miles away from this table.
Wow! Nina - I don't know what to say! - Yep.
So we are delighted to announce that the candidate who's going to be fighting this by-election is Yu sra.
Yusra Duncan.
Sorry, I have terrible problems with her name.
She's a local businesswoman! Well, what was all that about not far from this table?! Oh, oh, yeah, her head office is across the road.
Ken, you look very grumpy.
What's wrong? No, no, it's fine, it's Well, I thought maybe you had me in mind.
You? Oh, my goodness! That's so That's so funny! Oh, you! No, sorry, it's Yusra Duncan.
Yeah, we had to make a very quick choice, so She's very popular with our biggest donor.
Do you know Gordon Andrews, the poultry magnate? Yeah.
He's hosting a big fundraiser for us on Saturday.
That's why I've called you in.
Come along, bring your family.
- What, that's it? - Mm.
You said it was urgent! Oh, well, um I must have meant not urgent.
Go away now, please.
- Yep.
- Yep.
Very busy.
Here he is! Do I see before me the parliamentary candidate for Litchfield? No, you do not.
Nina remains a psychopath and this has been another wild goose chase.
I would have been an amazing MP, and now she expects me to go to some worthless fundraiser round at Gordon Andrews' house.
Well, it's not happening.
Gordon Andrews Dad, Andrews' chickens are reared in windowless warehouses, he is a monster! Yes, here he is, he's on the list! 86, widowed, worth 40 million.
He is perfect! - A chicken torturer?! - Who's 86?! Oh, shush, both of you, can't a girl fall in love? Well, I wouldn't get your hopes up, word has it he's sweet on the chosen candidate, Yusra Duncan.
Yusra Duncan! Let's have a look.
Ha! No contest! Trust me, darlin', when that millionaire hears about my milkshake, he's going to feel 75 again.
Your milkshake? I need to pick out my outfit.
And the dog's outfit.
And she's put on a lot of weight lately! - (DOG WHINES) - Well, it's a shame we're not going.
All right, losers? Just brought some washing round for Mum.
Hey, why are you looking at Yusra Duncan? Why, do you know her? I've seen her around.
I mean, she's pretty fit for an old lady.
Right? I suppose.
Well, I shagged her.
You did? Oh, horrible! And let me tell you, she has got some pretty specific tastes! Oh, come on, Dylan, spill the beans! OK, so, she likes to do it dressed up in teddy bear outfits.
- Oh, my! - Teddy bears? And you did it? Obviously, I did it, but, to be honest, it was actually pretty comfy.
Oh, my God! Yes! Can't you see? The path presents itself! Your rival is a fur-vert! That can't be normal, not even in ye olde England.
She's not my rival, Ivy, I'm not even in the running.
Ken, you're forgetting your trump card, your sister! Now, we go to this party, I get the millionaire to fall in love with me, you use the information to knock Yusra out of the way! Bad-a-bing, bad-a-boom! No! Oh, shit, it might just work.
I could still be an MP! No, no, no, it's immoral! And anyway, how would we prove it? Well, I mean, she did get me to film it, if that helps.
- Don't tell Lorna.
- £500.
Gordon Andrews, he takes a bird to market! Gordon Andrews, he tortures chicken and turkey! Yeah, well, that's the last car that's coming in! Yeah, the party's over, chump! - Oh, let's do this! - Yeah! They're going to be so mad! They're going to be like, "Why can't I get in? "Oh, my God, I can't get into the party!" - Give me your phone.
- OK.
, No distractions.
- You've hidden the keys, right? - Yep.
Swallowed them.
What? Tash, you swallowed them? Yes, bruv! - They're going to have to cut us out! - Tash, you mentalist! Gordon Andrews, he takes a bird to market! Tash? Shit, how did they get in? I don't know.
Excuse me, hello? Um, is this the main entrance? No, ladies, if you want the main entrance, you have to go to the other side.
Oh, OK, thank you.
We must say thank you to you, Gordon, it's a beautiful event, thank you for your support.
Spur your courage to the stickin' place, Kenneth, give me half an hour to enrapture the millionaire, And then show the video to Nina! Ivy, do you think this is a good idea? Well, why wouldn't it be? I'm about to blackmail someone with a porn video starring my own son.
It just seems a bit sordid.
What's all this whispering about? Nothing, just getting into the vibe of the party.
Look at this, balloons and all the social democracy, it's nice.
Oh, Ken, lovely, you're here.
Come and meet our host.
Here, take the dog.
Ah, here you are in this random corner of the room! Oh! Who's your hot friend? Ivy, my sister, this is Nina.
Yeah, yeah, doesn't matter.
Are you Gordon Andrews? Enchante! Oh, dear, my shawl! (HE GASPS) Are you married? - So, you're a single guy? - Yeah.
Oh, that is so rare in someone so handsome! Oh! Like you don't know! Stop staring at me that! It's like you're seducing me on the spot! (HE COUGHS) Get the hell out of here! I've got it, bitch! Look at us laughing together! Gesundheit! Oi, it's going to be a shit night! - Yeah! - Poor chickens! Oh! That's so rude! Really rude! I'm so sorry.
Ben said he'd pick us up about five, didn't he? Four hours.
Tell you how we could use the time constructively - Yes, Tash! - Yeah.
- Have you got a lighter? - Mm-hm.
Ken, Ken! The old goat's hooked! My divorce comes through next week, I'll be remarried in a month and widowed pretty soon afterwards.
Now it's your turn.
Nina's right over there.
I don't know, all these underhand tactics, it's just not me.
This is your chance to be something, and all you have to do is ruin someone else's life! And if you don't do it, I will.
- Nina? - Yeah? - Could I have a word? - Um, OK.
This is all highly secretive, Ken.
It's almost like you're trying to seduce me.
That's not what this is at all.
OK, right, well, what is it? - Nina - Yep, Ken, spit it out.
It's Yusra Duncan.
I've got wind of a video of her having sex with a man in his 20s.
That's not all.
- They're both dressed as teddy bears.
- Oh, my God, OK, um Wow, Yusra Duncan's an ursusagalmatophile! - Oh, it's got a name? OK.
- Yeah, that's the name.
And the voters really don't like them.
Well I may have acquired the video, and, let's just say, I would hate for it to get into the wrong hands.
Absolutely, absolutely, Yusra's campaign would be dead on arrival, it would be a disaster.
- Oh, I know! Cataclysm, so - Yep.
Right, well, thank the Lord this isn't going to go any further.
Right, I'd better start the auction.
Wait! How do you know it's not going to get into the wrong hands? Well, I mean, you said yourself you're the only person with the video.
Yes, I know what I said, but What if it were to happen by accident? Well, that's highly unlikely.
OK, well, what if I did it deliberately? What, you, blackmail us?! That's wonderful! Good, kind, beautiful Ken, would you do something so dastardly? No, that's never going to happen! It was a joke.
Oh, you're so funny, Ken, you are! OK, bye, see you later! I think that's done.
I do not need any more, though! You know when Ben told me that he was still mates with his ex? I was not happy, I was like warning signs! Yeah, totally, you're just, like, bitch alert! And I was, like, please, don't let her be pretty! And then I saw you, and Obviously, you're gorgeous.
Yeah, I really am.
You keep telling people, I like that character trait! And then we got to talking and I was, like, whoa, this is incredible, we're the same! We are the same.
The same, there is no difference.
There is no difference.
So what did you think of me when we first met? What did I think? I thought you were hitting on me! What?! - Oh, God, cos we met in that coffee shop? - Yeah.
But then I saw you with Ben and I realised you were just being really nice.
You know, cos that's what you're like.
You're just really, really Oh, absolutely, good for you.
- Must go.
- OK, OK.
Been chatting to that Yusra Duncan, she is just lovely! Yeah, a typical politician, isn't it? All smiles, aren't they? Then they sell their own grandma.
- Oh, no, her grandma's dead.
- Well, there you go.
And not just her grandma, her husband died a few years ago, too.
She said he was really funny, he was one of those football mascots.
She said she tries to remember him in every way she can.
Right, well, thank God no-one's going to see a video of her dealing - with THAT pain.
- What?! - Hm? Ken, are you OK? Yeah.
No, I'm fine.
Do you know what, Lorna? I think I might try and be an MP one day.
I think I'd be good at it.
But I want to do it the right way.
Bully for you, Ken.
What would be the wrong way? - Testing, testing, one, two, three.
- Come on, let's sit down.
Welcome, everybody, welcome, ladies and gentlemen, it's nearly time for the auction.
And I would love to thank Gordon for his amazingly generous donation of these antiques.
First, I know that you're all very, very much looking forward to meeting our new candidate, and here she is, Yusra Duncan! Come up, Yusra! - How did it go with Nina? - Fine.
Common sense prevailed in the end.
You chickened out.
I knew you would.
Don't worry, your big sister looked after it.
What do you mean, looked after it? I swapped the files on the computer back there.
You didn't.
Of course I did.
I'm not going to let you be a loser all your life.
They're about to play the video that'll introduce everybody to their new candidate! And here it is, a video to introduce everybody to our new candidate.
And you're all going to see a new side to Yusra.
Oh, God, no, no! I've got to stop it, I've got to stop it! Ken! So, after Yusra's said a few words, we'll watch a little video and then we'll get on with the auction, OK? So, speech, Yusra! I just want to say it's been great to meet you all.
And with that, I'll hand back to Nina.
- Is that it?! - OK.
Well, I think all that needs to be done, then, is for me to work out which button on this remote to press OK, stop, stop! Sorry! Ken, what are you doing? - I'm sorry, I want to make a speech.
- What?! Hello, Lib Dems! I said, hello, Lib Dems! How is everyone doing? Whoo! Lib Dems! Whoo! Hello, I am Ken Thompson.
Do not adjust your sets.
I am this big.
And I am this handsome.
Ha! Now, listen, Yusra is a fine candidate.
I know, when it comes to raising money for the Lib Dems, there is no magic money tree, there isn't.
But there is such a thing as a money plant.
And I bought six of them at Yusra's garden centre earlier! Cos that's what she makes happen, because That's hilarious! Yeah! Thank you, sir.
Where are you from? Redditch.
Redditch! Whoa! You want to get some cream for that! Redditch! At least I'm not from Itchfield, mate.
Itchfield's good as well! That's good, say some more! Er, anyone in from Rashburn? Rashburn! Love it! Not as good, but still funny! Try and think of some more.
Don't press that button, you're about to show the video, the furry video! - The furry video? - Yes, the furry video! - How did they get hold of the furry video? - I don't know.
- Sabotage.
- Sabotage?! - What's going on? - Yusra, I'm sorry, but your enemies have got hold of some incriminating material.
Oh, God, no! - Is it the midget gardeners? - What?! No! - No! - The bear suit? - Yes.
- Yes.
Oh, what have I done? - Ken, you'd better give me the mic.
- OK.
All right, hey, pack it in, Yusra needs to speak.
Yusra, please, come on now.
Hello again, everyone.
Um I've got something I have to tell you.
Um, you know, when you go through a hard time in life, you cling onto any kind of comfort, soft, warm, furry comfort.
And when I feel lonely, um I can't do this.
Friends, I can't be your candidate.
(GASPING) I'm going to step down.
Of course, who you pick to succeed me is up to you.
- I'm sorry.
- Yusra IVY: What about Ken Thomson? That's a great idea, I like funnyman! Ken! (CHANTING): Ken! Ken! Ken! Wow! Yes, Ken Thompson! You have been selected to be the next Liberal Democrat candidate! I knew he could do it.
Will you marry me? I thought you would never ask.
My divorce comes through in a week.
Can you live that long I mean, wait that long? (CHANTING): Ken! Ken! Ken! Thank you, thank you.
I don't know what to say.
I suppose, what I can promise is, as your new candidate, there will be a gentler politics.
And Yusra leaves with her reputation intact.
No-one needs to ask what happened, who said what, who blackmailed who? Let's just move forward, ladies and gentlemen.
Let's move forward together.
Together with dignity.
Wow, a round of applause for Ken! Oh, no, oh, the remote! - Why is it playing?! - It's the remote Don't look! My things! No Oh, please! Oh, Gordon! No! You can't have a heart attack! Oh, my God! Please! Just one more week! Fuck a duck!