Cuckoo (2012) s05e07 Episode Script
Election
1 Hi, I'm Ken Thompson and I'm not going to beg you to vote - for me this Thursday - (BICYCLE BELL RINGS) because this Thursday you are going to make a choice.
You're going to choose the candidate who cares about what you care about: Family, the future, cycle lanes, and hope.
So, this Thursday, please, please choose me.
Ken Thompson.
OK, peasants, let's queue up here.
Queue! Hi, sweetheart, come meet your Lib Dem candidate.
- Oh, yeah.
- Hello, nice to meet you.
Who will you be voting for on Thursday? Oh, I always vote for the handsomest candidate.
(HE CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) What about a little kiss? Why not? Jesus Christ! That's a lovely kiss.
Make sure you remember to vote, now.
Hello, everyone.
Just handshakes, that's it.
Oh, look at Kenny.
He's a born politician.
And it's thanks to me.
You're a guardian angel to that strange family.
Yeah, I am the best thing that ever happened to them.
Look, it's the news people! - Nice to meet you.
- How do you do? - How are you? - Hello.
- We're just going to mic you up.
- OK, yeah.
- You cool? - Cool as ice.
(THEY LAUGH) - So, er Let's get going.
- OK.
I'm here with the local Lib Dem candidate, Ken Thompson.
- Howdy.
- Howdy.
- Fat man! Fat man! - Lucas, don't be silly.
He's a really fat man! So, everyone's talking about the radio debate on Thursday.
Fat man! The Conservative candidate has got a fearsome reputation.
Well, bring it on, is what I say.
- Fatty-fatty-fat man! - Lucas, you're being naughty.
So, Ken, one of the subjects which I know is very close to your heart is cycle lanes.
At the Liberal Democrats, we are passionate about cycle lanes.
We are passionate about the causes of cycle lanes.
Fat man! Fat man! FAT MAN! Mate, I'm so sorry.
I'm just trying to focus here so could you How dare you tell me how to parent my child! He's expressing himself, aren't you, Lucas? Shut up, Dad.
He's a fat man! FAT MAN! Do you know what? I think we should leave it.
I'm going to do this another time when there's not so much lovely expressing going on, all right? Shall we leave it there? What's your problem, fatty? Well Fat man! FAT MAN! Vote on Thursday.
Just, that was quite difficult for me.
(CROWD SHOUTS AFTER HIM) - That kid was horrible! - He was, wasn't he? - Ugh! - Gobby little wanker.
(SHE LAUGHS) "Wanker.
" Oh, God, I love English slang.
Gobby little wanker.
Say another one! Grating little dipshit.
- Right? - Yeah! Tiny bollockhead.
Have you got that one? Bollockhead.
(SHE LAUGHS) Miniature arsehole.
Uppity little bellend.
Mewling wazzock.
No, that was subpar.
- You're just trying too hard.
- OK.
(WOMAN ON RADIO): And the FBI suspect he may have entered the United Kingdom.
(RADIO WHITE NOISE) (RICK ASTLEY PLAYS) OK, so, just to confirm, couple of points on our marital contract.
When we go out in public, we cannot hold hands? No.
OK.
"Cannot hold hands.
" - Occasional bottom touching? - Out of the question.
Sure, sure.
"No bottom touching.
" Oh, I can't wait until we get married.
Um, just want to revisit the sexual intercourse thing.
I believe we talked about that before.
And the amount we agreed on was none ever.
Sexting? If you want to send me erotic SMS, I'm not opposed to you borrowing my phone and responding to yourself.
Finally! Compromise! Thank you.
"Sexting" MAN ON RADIO: And now for the local news in your area.
Hush! Hush! The news.
They might mention Ken.
Lichfield MP candidate Ken Thompson made a large booboo today when he failed to remove his microphone after an interview.
Gobby little (BLEEP).
Grating little (BLEEP).
Miniature (BLEEP).
Uppity little (BLEEP).
Say another one! Oh, gosh.
My brother needs me.
I haven't finished.
already describing it as a complete disgrace.
(PHONE RINGS, NOTIFICATION TONE) Oh, you're the ninth journalist to call this morning.
- Well, the way I see it - Lorna! No comment, no comment.
Ken, you must try not to feel too bad about this, but what you did was incredibly stupid and it probably will lose you the election.
I've still got the radio debate.
I can still turn this round.
What? You think? They're saying some pretty nasty things about you.
People on Twitter are so inventive.
- (KEN'S COMMENTS PLAY ONLINE) - That's really great.
(FROM PHONE): Uppity little bellend.
I say we double down.
Stigmatise him.
Make that seven-year-old child a hated enemy your people can rally behind! My instinct says that will probably backfire, right? Yeah.
Kenny, that's your problem.
You're too soft.
OK, so, the radio debate.
Now, this is basically your last chance to turn things round, right? So you've got to be brilliant, as brilliant as Martin Luther King and 2010 Nick Clegg combined.
- Not sure about that, Nina.
- Not going to happen, is it? - That's tricky.
- Come on, guys! Ken can do this.
Ken, how about I get you a presentation guru? Someone that can help you speak and stand, get you out of this mess.
Yes.
- That's the spirit.
Right, people? - Yeah! You can do this.
No, I can do this.
- (DOORBELL RINGS) - That's it, I'll get it.
Sweet little things.
Oh, my God, what? - Ron! - Hey, princess.
What? Are you a sight for sore eyes.
No e-mails, no phone calls, where have you been? Running, baby.
Goa, Sharm El Sheikh, Benidorm.
- All beach resorts.
- Three-star hotels.
OK, I get it.
- You suffered, too.
- And with the FBI after me.
What are you doing here? You know I got us a divorce.
That's a shame.
Because I found you the perfect house, baby.
Dacha, north of Moscow, mountain views, five swimming pools.
Oh It does sound cute, I guess.
Honey, I want you back.
- Come home.
- I can't, Ron.
- I've made a life here.
- What? In this squalor? You can't be serious.
Kenny's family.
And we have fun.
You are Ivy Middlefart.
Those nails are a mess, those clothes are six months old and I think I can see a little grey.
You bastard.
Oh, Ivy, there you are! - Oh, who's your friend? - Oh! This is Bernard Bigglesworth Knight.
Yes, Bernard.
Um Yeah.
- Oh, the presentation guru.
- Yes! Bernard is the presentation guru.
Yes, that's me! Hi! You only said you were going to hire him 20 seconds ago.
I planned ahead.
Ah, good thinking, Ivy.
Bernard, I mean, thanks so much for doing this.
I've got to say, I think I recognise you.
Back in the old days, when I worked with Barack, - that's Barack Obama - (BOTH): Oh! I was famous for prepping candidates for their public appearances, so you probably recognise me from that.
Now, I will shout instructions.
Some of them may seem a little strange but they're definitely important.
So, Ken, I want you to talk about something close to your heart.
- Cycle lanes! - If you like.
- Wonderful! - OK.
OK.
Cycle lanes, well.
Stop.
Go twice as fast.
In Lichfield at the moment, we only have so many cycle lanes within the city centre and I think all we need to concentrate on is - Go four times slower.
- Four times? Four times.
Who wouldn't take advantage of new cycle lanes.
Now shout it, but only use the word grakal.
- What? - Grakal.
- Grakal? - You'll understand it when you do it.
- But I OK, yep.
- Go on.
Grakal, grakal! - Now pitch it higher.
- Grakal, higher? (HIGH-PITCHED): Grakal.
Grakal! Grakal, Grakal! Grakal! Now I want you to move your head from side to side, like a bird trying to eat flies.
Grakal.
That's it.
Grakal.
Grakal, grakal, grakal, grakal.
Oh, bollocks, I've missed something good, haven't I? Grakal! You sure you want to stay with these people? They're playthings, they're not worth your time.
They're not playthings.
Ken, dance around and sing "I'm a plaything" for a while, will you? I'm a plaything Plaything I'm a plaything I'm a motherfucking plaything You watch me play, plaything Stop! Ken, wow, that was so confident.
I get it, Bernard.
I get it! This silly stuff is so freeing.
It makes you feel like everything you've got to say is right, you can't put a foot wrong.
Absolutely, buddy! - Woo! - But you did do it wrong.
So, so wrong.
You're bound to tank tomorrow.
Well, smell you later, folks.
Adios.
Who was that guy? I really liked him.
Who was that Grakal? He said I was terrible, Lorn, how am I supposed to perform tomorrow after that? Bernard Bigglesworth Knight isn't even on Google.
Don't take it as gospel.
What was Ivy even thinking, getting him in? She wasn't to know.
And she's worked really hard on your campaign.
Hey, would you even be running if it wasn't for Ivy? Why are you defending her? Well, you do seem happier with her around.
Yeah.
That's fair, actually.
I'm even quite fond of the old bat, it's just Oh, God, tomorrow.
I'm never going to sleep.
Look at me, I'm shaking.
Ow! Well, you haven't done that for a while.
Well, since you're all worked up.
Lorn, no.
You can't sexy me out of this.
I'm having a crisis.
Yeah, you're right, of course.
Yeah you get on with your breakdown.
I mean, we could try it your way.
(MAN ON RADIO): Up next, we've got the election debate live from Lichfield Town Hall.
Will gaffe-prone Ken Thompson charm the voters into forgetting this? Mewling wazzock.
Keep listening to find out.
- Ken, hello, you look very confident.
- I am confident, Nina.
OK, good, brilliant.
You know, only the Twitter storm is still raging and the presentation guru said you were going to tank, so that's good.
Where's Ivy? I thought she'd be here to support.
I don't know.
Best of.
Hi, guys, I'm DJ Johnny.
I'm going to be hosting these hustings, or husting them, - if you like.
- Very good.
Yeah.
These mics are recording, Ken, so watch what you say.
He's very good, actually.
So, listen, I'm expecting this debate to be pretty political, obviously.
Uh, but also it's fun.
You know, I'm a fun guy.
So, I'm going to drop in a few questions like favourite film, what songs you like, stuff like that, yeah? I don't know any songs.
Kirsty, what films do I like? - You're going down, suckers.
- Live in 20 seconds.
Here goes.
Ken! Steve, what are you doing here? Your sister, she's gone.
She left a note.
She's leaving the country with Ron Middlefart.
Ron! When did he get here? Oh, my God.
Bigglesworth Knight, I knew his methods were unorthodox.
- Come.
- No, I can't.
- Come! - I can't! Live in five, four, three (SHE MOUTHS) (APPLAUSE) Thank you, thank you.
Welcome to the big debate, we're coming live from Lichfield Town Hall.
Kicking off proceedings today, we have a statement from Ken Thompson of the Liberal Democrats.
Ken, what are you all about, man? I Um.
(HE CLEARS HIS THROAT) I Um.
I can't do this.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I've got to go.
It's a family emergency, I'm sorry! No! Where are you going? (AUDIENCE GROAN) I mean, Ken Thompson's left, so let's play some music or something? This is a very poor election strategy.
Ken! Ken, Ken! That was close, but her head's been turned by that cad.
No, no, that makes him sound cool.
That bounder.
What are you jabbering on about? We've got to go! My car! Dad! Ken, wait! What's going on? Bigglesworth Knight is actually Ron Middlefart.
That makes sense.
Yeah, on reflection, the name was outlandish.
I still liked him.
Right, where are we going? Why are you all looking at me? Come on, Steve, you've clearly bugged her phone.
Ken, I would never do such an invasive thing as as No, wait, you're right.
I did do that, yeah.
- Right.
- Uh, she is on the M1.
And you, Ken, are next to me.
Check.
And, Lorna you are also next to me.
Check, good.
Right, drive on.
And speed up, otherwise we'll never make it.
Hello, police, there's a criminal on the run.
- Ron Mittlefart.
- Middlefart.
We're trying to catch him up on the motorway.
How fast? About 80mph.
- Lorna! - Ken, the police say slow down.
- We can't, Ken.
Sit down.
- To hell with it.
She's my sister.
What's three points on my licence? Well, here we are, baby.
This is Tjaart.
He's going to be flying us to Moscow.
Really? That plane with that guy? Hey, Tjaart has trafficked more Moldovans than you've had hot dinners.
Daddy had a plane like that when I was little.
He took me up a few times.
Hey, I never showed you before.
A welcome-home gift.
Little Waffle.
Oh, he's just adorable! I got you now, baby.
Everything's going to be exactly the way it was with us before, only this time Russian.
Me and you, Ron.
Are we really going to do this again? Honey, I am not going to take no for an answer.
Firstly, I love you.
No, I do! And, secondly, I need your retina scan for our Swiss bank account.
And that's going to be a son of a bitch to forge.
- Oh, Ron, you haven't changed.
- There's millions in it.
With my new business, we'll be back where we were in no time.
Me making money, you at home, all beautiful.
Start the Middlefart Foundation again.
We'll live forever or die rich.
Who cares? - Ivy, wait! - Ken! Ron Middlefart, I presume.
Top of the morning to you.
Sorry about that Bernard stuff, it was just a little bit of fun.
Stop, let's settle this with an arm wrestle between me and Ron.
- Shut up, Steve.
- Wait a minute.
This is Steve? - The guy you were going to marry? - For my visa.
- But we were allowed sexting.
- He looks like a jockey with mumps.
- Mumps? - Get in the plane, honey.
LORNA: Ivy, you can't trust him.
He's not a good person.
I know, but I'm not a good person either.
Me and Ron belong together.
No, you belong here with your family.
We're related.
So what? Look, I am a deeply lazy man.
I was coasting and everyone else was happy with that, except you.
I've loved this MP thing and it's down to you.
And I've just thrown it away.
Down to you! And it doesn't matter because this is what families do.
We help each other out and we hold each other back massively so stay.
Go on, stay, Ivy.
It's so much harder this way! (SHE SIGHS) I'm staying, Ron.
You cannot be serious.
These people are coarse with strange accents and they all look ten years older than they actually are but they matter to me.
And I matter to them.
Ron, honey, I'm so sorry.
- Do it! - Oh! Go, go, go! No, Ivy! - Go, go! - No! - Ken! - Ivy! No! Stop it! Stop! Ken, what you doing? Stop! I've done it! I've got the plane.
You're not going anywhere, sunshine.
- Ken, you can't! - I've got to, Lorn! She's my sister! What's he doing, the madman? Ken, you'll be carried up into the sky! No.
No, I can do it.
Don't you see? This is what I've been eating for! Ken, you can't hold a plane! Think about it! No, wait! Yeah, actually, no, I fucking can't.
Little bastard! Turn this plane around.
Sorry, baby.
The lady said turn the plane around.
- What the hell? - Steve! (THEY STRUGGLE) I'm Ron Middlefart.
Oh, you couldn't, baby.
You have no idea what I can do! Oh, my God! Can you fly a plane? Come on, Ivy, what did Daddy teach you? - I'm googling it.
- I'm putting it in descent.
How do I land it? There's a YouTube video.
Skip advert.
- Skip advert - Come on! We've got six Skip advert in five, four, three Too late! (HE SCREAMS) - I found it.
It's the throttle.
- OK, what's the throttle? It's that thing there.
The big thing, pull it! Pull it! It'll bring our speed down.
OK.
Come on, Ivy Jackson, land this baby.
- OK.
- Ivy, you're amazing.
Come on, Ivy.
(SHE GIGGLES EXCITEDLY) Oh, look! It's my family.
What a week in politics it's been.
It started with a gaffe and ended in absolute heroism, and it's all been leading up to this moment in Lichfield Town Hall, where the election results are about to come in.
And I'm here with the man of the hour, Ken Thompson.
Now, they're calling you the Lib Dem's answer to Rambo.
Are they? I guess that's fair.
Who's Rambo? He's a one-man killing machine.
It's not for nowt.
Now, is it true that you held a plane on the runway - through sheer strength? - Well, more or less, yes.
But, listen, I want to say this, I wouldn't be able to do any of this if it wasn't for my darling sister, Ivy, my beloved family and this bloke called Steve.
- Steve Chance, Uber driver.
- No.
That's That's beautiful.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Ready for the stage, brother? The votes are in.
Here we go.
(TRIUMPHAL MUSIC) Therefore, I give public notice that the new member of Parliament for the Lichfield constituency is
You're going to choose the candidate who cares about what you care about: Family, the future, cycle lanes, and hope.
So, this Thursday, please, please choose me.
Ken Thompson.
OK, peasants, let's queue up here.
Queue! Hi, sweetheart, come meet your Lib Dem candidate.
- Oh, yeah.
- Hello, nice to meet you.
Who will you be voting for on Thursday? Oh, I always vote for the handsomest candidate.
(HE CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) What about a little kiss? Why not? Jesus Christ! That's a lovely kiss.
Make sure you remember to vote, now.
Hello, everyone.
Just handshakes, that's it.
Oh, look at Kenny.
He's a born politician.
And it's thanks to me.
You're a guardian angel to that strange family.
Yeah, I am the best thing that ever happened to them.
Look, it's the news people! - Nice to meet you.
- How do you do? - How are you? - Hello.
- We're just going to mic you up.
- OK, yeah.
- You cool? - Cool as ice.
(THEY LAUGH) - So, er Let's get going.
- OK.
I'm here with the local Lib Dem candidate, Ken Thompson.
- Howdy.
- Howdy.
- Fat man! Fat man! - Lucas, don't be silly.
He's a really fat man! So, everyone's talking about the radio debate on Thursday.
Fat man! The Conservative candidate has got a fearsome reputation.
Well, bring it on, is what I say.
- Fatty-fatty-fat man! - Lucas, you're being naughty.
So, Ken, one of the subjects which I know is very close to your heart is cycle lanes.
At the Liberal Democrats, we are passionate about cycle lanes.
We are passionate about the causes of cycle lanes.
Fat man! Fat man! FAT MAN! Mate, I'm so sorry.
I'm just trying to focus here so could you How dare you tell me how to parent my child! He's expressing himself, aren't you, Lucas? Shut up, Dad.
He's a fat man! FAT MAN! Do you know what? I think we should leave it.
I'm going to do this another time when there's not so much lovely expressing going on, all right? Shall we leave it there? What's your problem, fatty? Well Fat man! FAT MAN! Vote on Thursday.
Just, that was quite difficult for me.
(CROWD SHOUTS AFTER HIM) - That kid was horrible! - He was, wasn't he? - Ugh! - Gobby little wanker.
(SHE LAUGHS) "Wanker.
" Oh, God, I love English slang.
Gobby little wanker.
Say another one! Grating little dipshit.
- Right? - Yeah! Tiny bollockhead.
Have you got that one? Bollockhead.
(SHE LAUGHS) Miniature arsehole.
Uppity little bellend.
Mewling wazzock.
No, that was subpar.
- You're just trying too hard.
- OK.
(WOMAN ON RADIO): And the FBI suspect he may have entered the United Kingdom.
(RADIO WHITE NOISE) (RICK ASTLEY PLAYS) OK, so, just to confirm, couple of points on our marital contract.
When we go out in public, we cannot hold hands? No.
OK.
"Cannot hold hands.
" - Occasional bottom touching? - Out of the question.
Sure, sure.
"No bottom touching.
" Oh, I can't wait until we get married.
Um, just want to revisit the sexual intercourse thing.
I believe we talked about that before.
And the amount we agreed on was none ever.
Sexting? If you want to send me erotic SMS, I'm not opposed to you borrowing my phone and responding to yourself.
Finally! Compromise! Thank you.
"Sexting" MAN ON RADIO: And now for the local news in your area.
Hush! Hush! The news.
They might mention Ken.
Lichfield MP candidate Ken Thompson made a large booboo today when he failed to remove his microphone after an interview.
Gobby little (BLEEP).
Grating little (BLEEP).
Miniature (BLEEP).
Uppity little (BLEEP).
Say another one! Oh, gosh.
My brother needs me.
I haven't finished.
already describing it as a complete disgrace.
(PHONE RINGS, NOTIFICATION TONE) Oh, you're the ninth journalist to call this morning.
- Well, the way I see it - Lorna! No comment, no comment.
Ken, you must try not to feel too bad about this, but what you did was incredibly stupid and it probably will lose you the election.
I've still got the radio debate.
I can still turn this round.
What? You think? They're saying some pretty nasty things about you.
People on Twitter are so inventive.
- (KEN'S COMMENTS PLAY ONLINE) - That's really great.
(FROM PHONE): Uppity little bellend.
I say we double down.
Stigmatise him.
Make that seven-year-old child a hated enemy your people can rally behind! My instinct says that will probably backfire, right? Yeah.
Kenny, that's your problem.
You're too soft.
OK, so, the radio debate.
Now, this is basically your last chance to turn things round, right? So you've got to be brilliant, as brilliant as Martin Luther King and 2010 Nick Clegg combined.
- Not sure about that, Nina.
- Not going to happen, is it? - That's tricky.
- Come on, guys! Ken can do this.
Ken, how about I get you a presentation guru? Someone that can help you speak and stand, get you out of this mess.
Yes.
- That's the spirit.
Right, people? - Yeah! You can do this.
No, I can do this.
- (DOORBELL RINGS) - That's it, I'll get it.
Sweet little things.
Oh, my God, what? - Ron! - Hey, princess.
What? Are you a sight for sore eyes.
No e-mails, no phone calls, where have you been? Running, baby.
Goa, Sharm El Sheikh, Benidorm.
- All beach resorts.
- Three-star hotels.
OK, I get it.
- You suffered, too.
- And with the FBI after me.
What are you doing here? You know I got us a divorce.
That's a shame.
Because I found you the perfect house, baby.
Dacha, north of Moscow, mountain views, five swimming pools.
Oh It does sound cute, I guess.
Honey, I want you back.
- Come home.
- I can't, Ron.
- I've made a life here.
- What? In this squalor? You can't be serious.
Kenny's family.
And we have fun.
You are Ivy Middlefart.
Those nails are a mess, those clothes are six months old and I think I can see a little grey.
You bastard.
Oh, Ivy, there you are! - Oh, who's your friend? - Oh! This is Bernard Bigglesworth Knight.
Yes, Bernard.
Um Yeah.
- Oh, the presentation guru.
- Yes! Bernard is the presentation guru.
Yes, that's me! Hi! You only said you were going to hire him 20 seconds ago.
I planned ahead.
Ah, good thinking, Ivy.
Bernard, I mean, thanks so much for doing this.
I've got to say, I think I recognise you.
Back in the old days, when I worked with Barack, - that's Barack Obama - (BOTH): Oh! I was famous for prepping candidates for their public appearances, so you probably recognise me from that.
Now, I will shout instructions.
Some of them may seem a little strange but they're definitely important.
So, Ken, I want you to talk about something close to your heart.
- Cycle lanes! - If you like.
- Wonderful! - OK.
OK.
Cycle lanes, well.
Stop.
Go twice as fast.
In Lichfield at the moment, we only have so many cycle lanes within the city centre and I think all we need to concentrate on is - Go four times slower.
- Four times? Four times.
Who wouldn't take advantage of new cycle lanes.
Now shout it, but only use the word grakal.
- What? - Grakal.
- Grakal? - You'll understand it when you do it.
- But I OK, yep.
- Go on.
Grakal, grakal! - Now pitch it higher.
- Grakal, higher? (HIGH-PITCHED): Grakal.
Grakal! Grakal, Grakal! Grakal! Now I want you to move your head from side to side, like a bird trying to eat flies.
Grakal.
That's it.
Grakal.
Grakal, grakal, grakal, grakal.
Oh, bollocks, I've missed something good, haven't I? Grakal! You sure you want to stay with these people? They're playthings, they're not worth your time.
They're not playthings.
Ken, dance around and sing "I'm a plaything" for a while, will you? I'm a plaything Plaything I'm a plaything I'm a motherfucking plaything You watch me play, plaything Stop! Ken, wow, that was so confident.
I get it, Bernard.
I get it! This silly stuff is so freeing.
It makes you feel like everything you've got to say is right, you can't put a foot wrong.
Absolutely, buddy! - Woo! - But you did do it wrong.
So, so wrong.
You're bound to tank tomorrow.
Well, smell you later, folks.
Adios.
Who was that guy? I really liked him.
Who was that Grakal? He said I was terrible, Lorn, how am I supposed to perform tomorrow after that? Bernard Bigglesworth Knight isn't even on Google.
Don't take it as gospel.
What was Ivy even thinking, getting him in? She wasn't to know.
And she's worked really hard on your campaign.
Hey, would you even be running if it wasn't for Ivy? Why are you defending her? Well, you do seem happier with her around.
Yeah.
That's fair, actually.
I'm even quite fond of the old bat, it's just Oh, God, tomorrow.
I'm never going to sleep.
Look at me, I'm shaking.
Ow! Well, you haven't done that for a while.
Well, since you're all worked up.
Lorn, no.
You can't sexy me out of this.
I'm having a crisis.
Yeah, you're right, of course.
Yeah you get on with your breakdown.
I mean, we could try it your way.
(MAN ON RADIO): Up next, we've got the election debate live from Lichfield Town Hall.
Will gaffe-prone Ken Thompson charm the voters into forgetting this? Mewling wazzock.
Keep listening to find out.
- Ken, hello, you look very confident.
- I am confident, Nina.
OK, good, brilliant.
You know, only the Twitter storm is still raging and the presentation guru said you were going to tank, so that's good.
Where's Ivy? I thought she'd be here to support.
I don't know.
Best of.
Hi, guys, I'm DJ Johnny.
I'm going to be hosting these hustings, or husting them, - if you like.
- Very good.
Yeah.
These mics are recording, Ken, so watch what you say.
He's very good, actually.
So, listen, I'm expecting this debate to be pretty political, obviously.
Uh, but also it's fun.
You know, I'm a fun guy.
So, I'm going to drop in a few questions like favourite film, what songs you like, stuff like that, yeah? I don't know any songs.
Kirsty, what films do I like? - You're going down, suckers.
- Live in 20 seconds.
Here goes.
Ken! Steve, what are you doing here? Your sister, she's gone.
She left a note.
She's leaving the country with Ron Middlefart.
Ron! When did he get here? Oh, my God.
Bigglesworth Knight, I knew his methods were unorthodox.
- Come.
- No, I can't.
- Come! - I can't! Live in five, four, three (SHE MOUTHS) (APPLAUSE) Thank you, thank you.
Welcome to the big debate, we're coming live from Lichfield Town Hall.
Kicking off proceedings today, we have a statement from Ken Thompson of the Liberal Democrats.
Ken, what are you all about, man? I Um.
(HE CLEARS HIS THROAT) I Um.
I can't do this.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I've got to go.
It's a family emergency, I'm sorry! No! Where are you going? (AUDIENCE GROAN) I mean, Ken Thompson's left, so let's play some music or something? This is a very poor election strategy.
Ken! Ken, Ken! That was close, but her head's been turned by that cad.
No, no, that makes him sound cool.
That bounder.
What are you jabbering on about? We've got to go! My car! Dad! Ken, wait! What's going on? Bigglesworth Knight is actually Ron Middlefart.
That makes sense.
Yeah, on reflection, the name was outlandish.
I still liked him.
Right, where are we going? Why are you all looking at me? Come on, Steve, you've clearly bugged her phone.
Ken, I would never do such an invasive thing as as No, wait, you're right.
I did do that, yeah.
- Right.
- Uh, she is on the M1.
And you, Ken, are next to me.
Check.
And, Lorna you are also next to me.
Check, good.
Right, drive on.
And speed up, otherwise we'll never make it.
Hello, police, there's a criminal on the run.
- Ron Mittlefart.
- Middlefart.
We're trying to catch him up on the motorway.
How fast? About 80mph.
- Lorna! - Ken, the police say slow down.
- We can't, Ken.
Sit down.
- To hell with it.
She's my sister.
What's three points on my licence? Well, here we are, baby.
This is Tjaart.
He's going to be flying us to Moscow.
Really? That plane with that guy? Hey, Tjaart has trafficked more Moldovans than you've had hot dinners.
Daddy had a plane like that when I was little.
He took me up a few times.
Hey, I never showed you before.
A welcome-home gift.
Little Waffle.
Oh, he's just adorable! I got you now, baby.
Everything's going to be exactly the way it was with us before, only this time Russian.
Me and you, Ron.
Are we really going to do this again? Honey, I am not going to take no for an answer.
Firstly, I love you.
No, I do! And, secondly, I need your retina scan for our Swiss bank account.
And that's going to be a son of a bitch to forge.
- Oh, Ron, you haven't changed.
- There's millions in it.
With my new business, we'll be back where we were in no time.
Me making money, you at home, all beautiful.
Start the Middlefart Foundation again.
We'll live forever or die rich.
Who cares? - Ivy, wait! - Ken! Ron Middlefart, I presume.
Top of the morning to you.
Sorry about that Bernard stuff, it was just a little bit of fun.
Stop, let's settle this with an arm wrestle between me and Ron.
- Shut up, Steve.
- Wait a minute.
This is Steve? - The guy you were going to marry? - For my visa.
- But we were allowed sexting.
- He looks like a jockey with mumps.
- Mumps? - Get in the plane, honey.
LORNA: Ivy, you can't trust him.
He's not a good person.
I know, but I'm not a good person either.
Me and Ron belong together.
No, you belong here with your family.
We're related.
So what? Look, I am a deeply lazy man.
I was coasting and everyone else was happy with that, except you.
I've loved this MP thing and it's down to you.
And I've just thrown it away.
Down to you! And it doesn't matter because this is what families do.
We help each other out and we hold each other back massively so stay.
Go on, stay, Ivy.
It's so much harder this way! (SHE SIGHS) I'm staying, Ron.
You cannot be serious.
These people are coarse with strange accents and they all look ten years older than they actually are but they matter to me.
And I matter to them.
Ron, honey, I'm so sorry.
- Do it! - Oh! Go, go, go! No, Ivy! - Go, go! - No! - Ken! - Ivy! No! Stop it! Stop! Ken, what you doing? Stop! I've done it! I've got the plane.
You're not going anywhere, sunshine.
- Ken, you can't! - I've got to, Lorn! She's my sister! What's he doing, the madman? Ken, you'll be carried up into the sky! No.
No, I can do it.
Don't you see? This is what I've been eating for! Ken, you can't hold a plane! Think about it! No, wait! Yeah, actually, no, I fucking can't.
Little bastard! Turn this plane around.
Sorry, baby.
The lady said turn the plane around.
- What the hell? - Steve! (THEY STRUGGLE) I'm Ron Middlefart.
Oh, you couldn't, baby.
You have no idea what I can do! Oh, my God! Can you fly a plane? Come on, Ivy, what did Daddy teach you? - I'm googling it.
- I'm putting it in descent.
How do I land it? There's a YouTube video.
Skip advert.
- Skip advert - Come on! We've got six Skip advert in five, four, three Too late! (HE SCREAMS) - I found it.
It's the throttle.
- OK, what's the throttle? It's that thing there.
The big thing, pull it! Pull it! It'll bring our speed down.
OK.
Come on, Ivy Jackson, land this baby.
- OK.
- Ivy, you're amazing.
Come on, Ivy.
(SHE GIGGLES EXCITEDLY) Oh, look! It's my family.
What a week in politics it's been.
It started with a gaffe and ended in absolute heroism, and it's all been leading up to this moment in Lichfield Town Hall, where the election results are about to come in.
And I'm here with the man of the hour, Ken Thompson.
Now, they're calling you the Lib Dem's answer to Rambo.
Are they? I guess that's fair.
Who's Rambo? He's a one-man killing machine.
It's not for nowt.
Now, is it true that you held a plane on the runway - through sheer strength? - Well, more or less, yes.
But, listen, I want to say this, I wouldn't be able to do any of this if it wasn't for my darling sister, Ivy, my beloved family and this bloke called Steve.
- Steve Chance, Uber driver.
- No.
That's That's beautiful.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Ready for the stage, brother? The votes are in.
Here we go.
(TRIUMPHAL MUSIC) Therefore, I give public notice that the new member of Parliament for the Lichfield constituency is