Da Ali G Show (US) (2003) s02e04 Episode Script

Realize

Aight.
Easy now, check it.
I is here with none other than my man, prof.
James ziglar.
Him was the head of something called the I.
M.
S.
, which stands for the immigration, uh, nationalize Naturalization.
Naturalization society.
Service.
Service, wicked.
What is homeland security? Homeland security is about protecting the individuals in the country right.
From forces that may come in and try to do harm, such as terrorists.
Could it be possible to work with the terrorists? To say, "yo.
"Here's a building that we's gonna demolish anyway.
"Go.
Have your fun with it.
Do whatever you wants.
Just don't do the other ones.
" That's never That will not work with the terrorists.
Why not? Because the terrorists, you say, "ok, here's an old building.
We're gonna demolish it.
For real.
Do it! Have your fun with it.
" That's not that doesn't achieve their purpose.
So, professor, does you think that terrorists will use airplanes again? I think they would lke to.
Why does you let them fly on the same planes as normal passengers? Why don't you arrange separate flights for terrorists? So if they's gonna do this terrible behavior, uh, let them ruin their own trip.
Well, listen, uh, if we knew they were terrorists, uh, we'd pick 'em up.
We'd never let them on an airplane.
Let's talk about in the airports.
You know those machines that beep when you's got coins in your pocket? Why don't they develop a machine that beeps if you is carrying a gun? Well, it does, too.
It it th-they A gun will also set it off, or a knife.
But it's them is mainly designed for coins and keys.
No, no, no, no, it's designed for guns and knives and, uh, and objects that are could be weapons.
Does they use dogs in airports? Uh, for explosive devices.
Ain't the problem, though, that 99 percent of dogs can't speak english? So how does they let you know who is carrying a bomb? Hmm, well, dogs are trained to give to give indications.
How? Uh, well, they will sit and point, for example.
How does you know they ain't pointing to say, "this one definitely ain't got a bomb in it"? Well, they don't They're trained to only respond to a certain certain smell.
How come there ain't much security on trains? Well, for one thing, um, I- it's kind of hard to highjack a train and run it into something.
But what's to stop a terrorist taking over a train, driving it into, jah forbid, the white house? You can't.
There are no tracks.
Well There are no tracks to the white house.
Not that we know of.
No, there're not.
How does you know they ain't been building one? The white house is so protected, there's no way of building tracks to the white house with the secret service yo.
And and all the barriers that are around it.
Yo, well you'd have to have someone in on it on the inside.
But they'd have to build Someone who's lke, yo, at night sh-sh-sh-sh.
No, no, no, not even that.
They'd have to build them on top of the ground and they'd have to go right to the white house.
There's no way of being on the inside of that.
How difficult is it to get a green card? A brit marries an american, let's say.
Um, you can get a green card, but you're gonna have to wait for 2 years.
If you ain't managed to marry an american, but you is got jiggy with, lke, loads of them, can you still get a green card? No.
No, but if you's had Does you understand? I understand exactly what you're saying.
The answer's no.
Family relationships are very important to our immigration law.
And, uh, if it's just Uh, but a friend that you've got a special relationship with For real, yo, baby! Let's get special.
Uh, that doesn't work.
That's not going to get you in.
That's a shame.
Uh, well.
'Cause I is halfway there.
You know what I'm saying ? Respek.
Well, it's, uh that's That's the way the law is.
So, yo! Listen up! You better check out the words of my man, james ziglar.
Respek.
Yekshemesh.
In kazakhstan, the favorite hobbies are disco dancing, archery, rape, and table tennis.
In america, there are many hobbies, too.
I find more.
Chergui! Hello, nice meet you.
Nice to meet you.
What it mean, uh, self-defense? Well, if someone It it's more than just if someone attacks me.
If someone attacks me violently, I can I can protect myself from getting hurt.
What is a best move to silence a woman? Uh, I don't know that you can silence a woman.
What is the best way to defend from a jew? Well, we don't Uh uh If people have different beliefs, yes? They believe in god, allah, mohammed, jesus, whatever they believe in, yes? We try to respect that they they believe that way.
Yes, but how do you stop their claw? Claw ? You say claw? If someone got a claw? Yes, the jew claw.
You knock away.
You just knock away, knock away.
So, if, uh, the jew come with a claw You knock away.
With a claw.
Knock away.
Claw.
Knock away.
They can do 2 hands.
And you can do 2 hands.
Is very good.
Or you can knock away this way.
Either way, it doesn't matter.
And if the jew come Then you knock away.
And the jew come And you knock away.
The jew come with a claw.
With a claw.
With a claw.
Uh, what is best way to stop my wife do a rape on me? Uh, gosh, I don't know.
Maybe, uh, if it's your wife, um, show her more love.
Uh, show me what you mean.
She will say, "borat, borat, "time, uh Time to Time to play.
Play with you.
" Ok, pull me down, borat, lke she would.
And you're on top.
Yes.
Ok, now.
If she "Borat!" When she leans over She try to do a kiss.
She's off balance.
Thank you, my friend.
Thank you, sir.
Thank you.
You are good.
When we get the body, and we get it nice and relaxed, and we want to move just easily, it's nicer if if you could change to some nice, comfortable clothing.
David? Yes? What is this, david? This is a portable, uh, harmonium.
You know this song? Mmm-mmm, no, I don't.
Uh, from, uh, music factory, "c" & "c".
Mmm-hmm.
everybody dance now hmm.
We do this, how you say? Oh, the dances, yeah.
Yes.
With this, is everybody dancing now ? oh, that's nice.
Galin, this is borat.
Hello.
Nice meeting you.
Borat ? Thank you, borat.
Ok.
And this is palomino.
Palomino.
Yes.
Palamino, this is borat.
Hello.
Borat, nice to meet you.
So I want us to have our own sound.
Uh, what will your sound be? hey ah hey children, children children you make the sound.
yeah, everybody dance now, yeah ok.
So we go, we try now, all together? Yes.
1, 2, 3.
children, children ah everybody dance now hey everybody dance now ah hey yes, I'm already tired.
I'm too old, you know? No, you are 48? 48.
You are 32? Yes.
How old do you think palomino is? Uh 3.
43.
43, yeah? You look, uh, more old.
I'm going to ask you to draw the experience that you just had, however that shows up.
Ok, so let's just hold ours up and show each other.
Just for a moment, just So we can look at one another's.
What it say? "Everybody, children, dance, "ah, oh, now.
" Yes.
And so that had meaning for me.
Just to bring that all together.
Yeah, thank you.
Nice.
Um, I do a picture, only small, of tishnk massacre, where, uh, many uzbek uh, crushed.
How did you feel when you did this? Uh, very proud.
Very proud? Yes.
And just listening, uh, with, uh, s-sadness? A little sadness for y-your people? Yes.
No, it is not sad.
It is us who do the kill.
You want to smell? Show us.
Do you want to tell the smell thing? Yes, it, uh, show your spirit.
Yeah.
I can smell you? It's fine.
Yes? Yeah.
It's a good man? Yes.
Thank you.
You want? Yes.
Check it.
I is now off to meet a husband and wife team that ran the environmental protection agency.
Them be called christine and todd whitman.
Bo! Let's talk about solar energy.
Ain't you worried that, if we use a lot of this solar energy, that we will use the sun up? No, the sun's burning anyway.
All right.
What we're doing is taking what's already coming down and putting it to good use.
But me heard there are some countries lke in alaska where they is already run out of sun and there's, lke, darkness for, lke, months of the year.
Well, that's that's because of the rotation of the earth.
It's not because the sun is running out.
It's because of the relationship of the sun and the earth to one another.
Why is water getting dirty? If you change the oil of your motorcycle or your car in the driveway and you just dump it there, it gets washed down in the rain, it gets into the water table, it gets into the water.
It dirties the water.
Ain't the main reason why the water is dirty, though, there are a lot of fishes does their toilet inside the water? Well, fish do it, uh, but farmers, the animals get If you let cows and pigs and sheep go into the streams, then they're dirtying the water.
So why don't you tell the fish, whatever, I don't know how you tell them, but make sure they ain't doing their plop in the water? But I really think it's more us than they.
So what about whales? Don't they make massive pollutions in the water? Again, they're still They're not when you consider, the amount of water there is in the ocean and the seas, and you consider the number of whales, they're not the problem.
You've seen the size They're big.
They must do massive ones.
They're big.
They've gotta be massive.
What is "earth first"? Earth first is, um, it's really an idea of putting the earth before yourself.
You know that me and the west staines massive did a protest against mcdonald's in staines? Nice.
Mcdonald's definitely deserves it.
The consumption of meat is definitely adding to the world starvation problem.
Oh, no, no, no, we weren't against that.
We was against they started chargin' for their ketchup, lke 8 pence for, lke, a little bit of ketchup.
Great, taxing people every chance they get.
Yo, so we was lke, yo, protesting, saying ketchup should be free.
And there shouldn't be, lke, a limit to how many ketchups you can have.
There's lots of good reasons to protest mcdonald's.
Ah, for real.
They're using a lot of pesticides, they're definitely using a lot of chemicals.
You know, the slaughter of of cattle The mass slaughter of cattle The ketchup thing, though.
Oh, right, that's a big thing, too.
So, what is things lke this tree used for? Mainly lux-luxury items.
All right.
We'd say, you'd see lke, a lot of redwood hot tubs, um, a lot of redwood decks.
Is you tellin' me that this tree wouldn't prefer to be a hot tub with a couple of fly honeys in, totally, you know, no clothes on, whatever, rather than having, you know, uh, you in? My good friend whisper.
Safe, respek.
So, yo, what's your name again? My name's whisper.
What? Whisper.
Why is that? Does he lke whispering? Get it? 'Cause his name, "whisper.
" All you lot out there.
And I speaking for me and my friends here, saying to go out there, publicize this thing, talk to your friends, make something that makes a difference.
Burn a car, whatever, mash people up, but let 'em know you is doing it for this cause.
So then we could get publicity for it, innit? Stay non-violent.
Yo, but And we don't do property destruction.
But wouldn't it be more betterer for your cause People are smashing things up anyway no, no, no.
To say, "yo, I was doing this for the tree people"? Wouldn't it be good if it weren't just smelly hippies who was doin' it, but it was also, lke, normal people.
If it was everybody doing it, then they'd find a way to demonize regular people.
If them come at you with axes, you come at them with guns.
They ain't going to come back, yo.
Then they'll come back with guns.
Yo, you get uzis, man.
No one's gonna take that.
Then they'll get assault rifles.
9m.
M.
Glock, man.
They'll get a.
K-47s.
Yo, you get a bomb.
If we get bombs, they'll get bigger bombs.
Well, you nuke them, whatever.
If we nuke them, then the trees get blown up.
Then everything's dead.
Whatever, forget about them.
At least you've won.
Does you want to give a final message to the camera? Sure.
Rise up and rebel, you know, with non-violence.
So what's your message to the camera? My message It's not about non-violence as well, is it? I I would say it has to be.
I encourage you to rise up, do whatever you can to make the earth a better place.
Yo, whatever you can.
Violent or non-violent.
No, I did not say that.
Yo, well I can't advocate violence.
Yo, but man, if I start advocating non-violence, come back to the street, man, you know? People be: "Yo, you the non-violent guy, yo.
" Boff.
That's part part of the power structures that we're working on chiseling away at with our actions, with our words, with our thoughts, with our songs.
What songs has you got? gentle warrior with a heart lke gold and a rainbow in your eye brave companion that's just the first part of it.
It's called gentle warrior.
No offense, but that song, in my opinion, is a bit crap.
Each has their own opinion.
Eagle, you're looking great.
Coming up 9 minutes.
# crank it up! # also jetzt bin ich hier in miami, south beach! Only the coolest club scene in the whole world.
But, dude, I've been here 4 times already.
Good news for you, I'm on the guest list tonight.
And it's plus one.
Let's party! Also jetzt bin ich hier meets james butler from the super cool super club, nerve lounge, in miami, uh, florida.
Tell me, what did matt damon say to you when he came in the club? Well, matt had had a few drinks, and he was having a good time, so he just said that he'd be back at some point in the next little while.
And what did you say to him? I said, "come back anytime.
" And then what did he say to you? Well, he said he was gonna go home and make sure that he takes care of the girl he was with.
So I said, "well, have a good time.
" And then what did you say to him? That was about it.
Did you ever think of, lke, telling somebody that conversation, or Yeah, actually, I spoke to my brother today and I told him, up in toronto, canada.
Wow! Then what did he say? Oh, he was laughing.
He thought it was a hilarious time.
It was fun.
So let's talk about who you would let in and who you wouldn't let in.
Uh, how do you deal with that awkward situation of somebody in a wheelchair coming in and you want to uh, push him away, but you don't want to create a scene? How do you turn them away? You just go to the next person and let the other people in.
So, what, you just ignore them or do you wheel them away? No, you just try to ignore them and hopefully, they'll go away.
Where do you see the future of clubbing? The future of clubbing, I believe, is in house music.
Do you think if house music was around in the '30s, that world war ii would have happened? No, I don't.
I don't think it would've happened at all.
Why? Let's face it, music is the international language of love.
And that's what makes the world go around.
Let me ask you a question.
The rise of club music, the fall of apartheid.
A coincidence or not? I don't think it's a coincidence at all.
It's about creating good energy and and love throughout the world.
If your club was a note, what would it be? ah just stop me where when we get to where your club is.
ah right there.
Right there.
There? Right there.
Or Right there.
Why ? Why? Because it's not quite I- it's not quite at the top of the energy level, cool.
But we lke to keep it along the mainstream.
What do you think of clubs that are just They're dull and boring.
Yeah.
And clubs that are When they're all over the place, again, people won't stay all night.
Sure, and ah probably full of hip-hop assholes.
Ok, you can come in just by yourself.
With him.
No, just you, not him.
Is tommy here? Tommy.
No.
I'm on the list.
Victor bruno What's your name? Victor bruno.
Victor bruno? Yeah, b-r-u-n-o.
You're not dressed right.
What are you talking about? You're not dressed right.
That's ridiculous.
Go and change your shirt.
Make an effort, you're going out to a club.
What? This is a night club.
This isn't lke a shopping mall.
What are you talking about? This shirt's fucking $250.
If you spent some proper money on the shirt, you'd be able to get in.
I'm on the fucking list.
Search for me.
I'll have none of that attitude.
Go and change your shirt and maybe you got a chance.
# crank it up # Booyakasha.
Animal rights.
Animals is all around everywhere.
So if you is thinking that animal rights ain't important, it is.
So, does you think it's all right, for young people out there to do experiments on animals in their own home? I would I would be against it in virtually every case.
'Cause me and me mate dave, we did an experiment to, lke, find out about the nuclear thing.
And we got a hamster and we put it in the microwave, and we wanted to see if it would survive.
And it did.
It came out.
You know, it was lke a bit more hot, but it was alive.
Ain't that all right? Children who don't have any background in medical, or or, uh uh, knowledge of the area, should not be trying something on a animal that they that could possibly harm them.
So is it all right for people to wear fur? Um, I don't know how a rational person could say: "I need a fur coat at the expense of 60 animals.
" Does you really think an animal would mind if it knew it was going to a premiere on the back of p.
Diddy? I think that, uh, the animals would prefer to live out their life in the woods and die a natural death and don't, probably, even know who p.
Diddy is.
That's what I think.
Well, everyone knows who p.
Diddy is.
Yeah, even I do, so, you know But I but, you know, I'm not a fox, or a chinchilla.
But ain't fur coats the way out of the ghetto for some animals? Uh, I think that we don't need fur, whatever culture we're in and whoever we are.
So does you think it's right that now some animals has got human girlfriends? 'Cause, lke, me saw this video of this horse who was going out, you know, having relationship with this dutch girl.
And, lke, first up I thought, "what's in it for her ?" And then, lke, me saw his dong.
And, lke, you know, I's got a big one, but I ain't got nothing on lke these horses.
There's no way I could compete.
You got normal guy, then you've got me, then you've got, lke, the horse.
This is the exploitation I think that's what we're trying to say.
We're all agreeing that this is an exploitation of animals.
Of animals? Oh, yes.
But the horse was, lke, totally happy! There was, lke, about half a gallon of proof.
It wasn't the animal's decision.
It he didn't go out there and try to wine and dine that that Whatever that person was.
Well, me does a bit of deejaying, so let me ask you for, lke, one word.
One word: Science.
Learn.
Compassion.
Compassion? Compassion.
Is that a word? It is.
Compassion.
Welfare.
science, science you better have your welfare 'cause you know that with compassion with compassion you're gonna have your What's it called? Learning.
your children learning learning 'bout the animals what you do if a man come and take you with, uh Big long in his hand.
Uh, how you say? Stick? No, uh, big long, uh Uh Pe-penis? Oh.
That doesn't happen very much over here.
We don't see that.
In kazakhstan, very much.
Uh, my friend, uh azmatt bagatoff, a giant from turkmenistan, take him, broke his anus.
Uh, I think probably the best thing to do would be to strke or kick.
Check it! Go shorty, it's your earth day, we gonna party lke it's your earth day.
Yo, peeps, dis be whitman in the house, on da mke, I's unslayable.
Respect our crunk planet.
Make sure your trash is biodegradable.
Peace.
I is out.
Respek.
Big up yourself, governor.
Keep it real.

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