Dads s01e02 Episode Script

1 There's, like, the whole rest of the couch.
This is the only cushion I like.
You just moved in.
How can you already have a favorite cushion? The butt wants what it wants.
You're watching the Little League World Series? You never even came to my games.
I don't know these kids, so I won't be ashamed when they screw up.
You be nicer to your son, or you won't get into Heaven.
Heaven doesn't exist.
It's just a lie to keep morons from freaking out.
- You take back.
Is Heaven.
- No Heaven.
- Is Heaven, you diablo.
- No Heaven.
- Diablo.
- No Heaven.
- Diablo.
- No Heaven! Dropped by Simmons.
And look at his dad.
He wants to be anywhere but here.
You see? How do you know I was bad? You never even came to a game.
Oh.
I apologize.
You're a natural.
Daddy took me to the zoo Na, na, na, na Just to see something brand-new Na, na, na So many stars up in the sky So many questions have I Na, na, na, na Daddy took me for a ride.
Hey, gang.
Oh, hey, Dad.
What are you doing here? I got a big meeting today.
Warner, what if I told you that I could corner the entire market for penguin meat? Do-do-do people eat penguin meat? Taste this.
Nope.
Eli? Uh, no.
I'm Jewish.
It's free.
Well, anyway.
Keep your fingers crossed.
With any luck, we'll be firing up the slaughterhouse by 2:00 p.
m.
tomorrow.
I'll save you some "happy feet My dad, the business man.
He keeps trying because most people get their big break at 70.
Guys, Golden Gate Games is crushing us.
They just announced three new concepts and their stock is going through the roof.
I know.
We both bought 500 shares last year.
- What?! - Boom! Back that money truck up! Okay! Back it up.
Back it up.
Where do you want it? There's so much money.
We need a game.
Oh, don't worry about it.
This-this is the brain that's given us games like Tanks Versus Kittens.
Satan in Outer Space.
Knife Your Neighbor.
Well, that brain just handed me Badminton.
- Huh, that's all you've come up with? - Hey, ow, hey! - Hey, I'm sorry, I'm trying! - Let me see your eyes.
- What? - Eyes, eyes, eyes, eyes, eyes! Oh, my God.
I knew it! You're not stoned.
What, are you trying to ruin this company? I I don't need to be on something to come up with a good idea.
Come here.
Eli, how long has this been going on? Wh-What's going on? Eli, this is a safe place.
Wait, is this an intervention? It's whatever it needs to be to get you back on drugs.
I know you think not getting high seems really cool and all that, blah-la-la-la-la.
But it-it But it's affecting your friends, your family, and-and most importantly your work.
Eli, this company needs a new game.
It's not that bad.
It's not that bad? It's not? Yo, what is this, huh? What is that? Is that a gym bag? You've been working out? Hey, don't touch my stuff, man! Here! Why don't you touch this stuff? Look, these are special brownies from my clinic.
Use them to come up with a great game idea that I can put into production.
Okay.
I'll get high tonight.
I thought that was your favorite cushion.
I love all the cushions.
Dad, did did you eat this brownie? Yeah.
Wow, you seem like you're in a really good mood.
Why shouldn't I be? I'm here in this beautiful apartment.
I blew my nose five minutes ago and got everything.
I have nothing to complain about.
Really? Um okay, what about President Obama? He's trying his best.
Okay, um, you know, I was at dinner earlier tonight, and there was a gay couple sitting next to me.
They were going at it pretty good.
Hey, love is where you find it.
Even if it's at the top of Brokeback Mountain.
So, why why-why do you think you're so happy tonight? Well, I was here by myself, yelling at Wolf Blitzer like I always do and I saw those brownies in the refrigerator.
And I don't usually eat chocolate because it's for women.
But then I thought, "You know what, David? You deserve some pleasure.
" And it hit me.
When I'm yelling at Wolf Blitzer, I'm really yelling at Yourself.
No, Wolf Blitzer.
I love myself.
I love everybody.
Even Mom? Nope.
But I love you.
You know that, right? Mwah! I I love you, too, Dad.
I'm sorry I don't say it enough.
Tr trust me, this will last a lifetime.
What's wrong, honey? Oh, nothing.
I'm just worried about going under financially, and then having to sell the house and then move in above an Ethiopian restaurant.
What is it this time? Well, you know, it's just Eli hasn't really had a good idea since his dad moved in, and-and if we don't get a game into production this week, then-then we're gonna miss the holiday rush, and then have to end up selling the house and And Ethiopian restaurant, right, okay.
Um, listen.
I think I can help you relieve some of that stress.
Oh, you mean you mean intercourse.
Yeah, that might help.
Yup, I'll just put both of the phones in airplane mode.
What are you doing? Oh, are you having sex? I can wait outside until I hear Warner say, "Sorry.
" No, we're not having sex.
Good, 'cause you know what I always say about sex on a work night.
The competition's not having sex So you're just screwing yourself.
Yeah.
So, what's our next big game? No idea.
My dad ate one of the brownies, and he was a delight.
My dad did something that required five toilet flushes at 4:12 a.
m.
Well, you know, there's an easy solution.
You can just give him a brownie.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Camila would Camila would kill me if she caught me drugging my dad.
Oh, I didn't realize she was so anti-drug.
Didn't she used to be the "Bloody Nose Nightclub Queen"? Well, you know, we have kids now and so she's basically against everything she used to love.
So don't tell her.
We don't keep secrets.
We even have access to each other's Internet history.
That's how I know she watches so much porno.
The kids are asleep, and I'm gonna go to bed.
No.
Let me be your laptop tonight.
Oh I like it.
Okay.
I'll be up in a minute.
Fold my corner of the blanket down.
Uh, Dad? I'm going to sleep.
Good night.
There might be something left on the counter for you.
Warner? Aw.
Hello.
Mmm.
Hey, now! So, did the did the brownie work? Eight hours of sleep and super-hot married sex with my wife.
She-she picked me up and did me against the wall.
She rubbed five of the seven skin layers off my back.
Wow.
You know, I'm-I'm glad you're comfortable enough around me to talk about your rag doll-like participation in your wife's sexual activities, but if we don't have a game by Friday, we're gonna be screwed for the holiday season.
I don't have an idea, but I am two brownies away from getting my dad to admit he loved my mom.
Ooh.
Well, when that happens, maybe you won't need to have action figures on your desk anymore.
I don't I don't need them.
Not not Scooterman! Anybody but Scooterman! God, that feels so cool.
Who are you? I don't know.
Hey, Crawford! What brings you to this neck of the woods? Well, I had a delicious brownie and then a little bird led me here.
So, how are you? I'm good.
No, really, how are you? I'm sad.
And I'm worried.
What if it starts to rain and never stops? Oh, no.
What are we gonna do? I'm gonna sing you a song that I wrote that just might change the world.
Noble Eskimo We stole your snow Noble Eskimo We stole your snow Our warming made your igloo melt You're left with just a walrus pelt Noble Eskimo We stole your snow Nice.
And Noble Eskimo, we stole your snow Yes, we did.
Our warming made your igloo melt You're left with just a walrus pelt Any ideas.
There are there are no bad ideas at this point.
Any ideas.
I hate the way you hold your coffee mug with two hands.
I do, too.
You look like a commercial for a bone loss drug.
Oh, hey, back for more? No, honey, I'm-I'm not.
I'm actually here for your dad because he's upstairs at Eli's.
Why's that? I-I don't know.
I was stitching your pajamas back together this morning, and he just walked right out the door.
He's been acting really weird the last few days.
Do you think he had a stroke? Oh No, no, he's fine.
They've both been secretly drugging their dads with pot brownies.
You brought drugs into our house? Yes, but And down he goes! Would you tackle me in a hallway if we were married? It'd be hard to do since I killed myself on our wedding night.
You marijuana'd us? I'm gonna sue you.
We are so sorry.
I We're just we're under a lot of pressure, and you guys are you're so annoying.
I I'm-I'm sorry we tricked you.
You didn't trick us.
Of course we knew we were getting stoned.
We grew up in the '60s, you squares.
Okay, well, you guys are cut off.
No more brownies.
Fine.
We'll find our own doobies.
Okay, how are you gonna get your own doobies? I've got enough glaucoma to glaze a donut.
Okay, guys, this is serious.
W-We're afraid that you guys are too old to handle the effects of pot, and if anything were to happen to you, we'd never forgive ourselves.
Can't handle the effects? I could pot you under the table, sonny.
Okay, Dad, that's ridiculous.
I got an idea.
Crawford and I challenge you two to a Pot Off.
If you can handle more pot than us, we'll stop.
Okay, nobody's gonna have a "Pot Off" here.
No, we have to come up with video game ideas.
Come on.
Okay, you're on.
What? No, we-we have work to do.
Our backs are against the wall.
Last I heard, you liked that.
No game, no home, Ethiopian restaurant.
Look, maybe we'll come up with something that'll save the company.
Two days ago, you were begging me to do this.
Yeah, I-I was begging you, not me.
Me go home to wife.
Are you gonna let them win? Oh, forget it, Warner.
I was always the cool one in the family anyway.
"I was always the cool one in the family anyway.
" I'll show you who's cool.
Do you have a glass of milk? Okay.
Standard North American Pot Off rules.
If you vomit or your eyes close for more than a minute, you're out.
And if you jump out the window, automatic forfeit.
Let the games begin.
Yeah.
Mmm.
Oh, yeah.
Okay.
Mmm.
I got to lie down.
I need $2,000.
I want to become a deejay.
You have to give him the money.
I understand how to get people dancing and keep them dancing.
He totally does! Noble Eskimo We stole your snow Noble Eskimo, we stole your snow Our warming made your igloo melt You're left with just a walrus pelt Noble Eskimo We stole your snow Noble Eskimo, we stole your snow Our warming made your igloo melt You're left with just Warner? How long you gonna stay in there? How long is time? Dude, get out of there.
We're gonna lose this thing.
What's it say? "I no longer understand your ways.
"P.
S.
I will lower my defenses long enough for you to slide a pizza under the east cushion.
" Sneak attack! Suck my cushions, little man! Hello, 911? Hi.
I think I might be dead.
We're doing way better than them.
They're really messed up.
I'm proud of us.
Me, too.
Hey, um can I ask you something? Did I love your mother, right? Well, did you? I don't think I ever really loved anyone, Eli.
Until the day you were born.
Thanks, Dad.
That means a lot.
So does "plethora.
" Hey, you want to split a pound of turkey? Oh, yeah.
Oh! Don't! So, how was Camila? She's mad.
She said I can't play at your house anymore.
Where's my game idea? Ah, I'm sorry.
I just I don't have anything.
Yeah, that's okay.
The important thing is Oh! Where's my game?! You're a modern-day secret agent who travels back to ancient Rome to stop the assassination of Julius Caesar! And you're not just fighting conspiring forces, you're also battling gods like Jupiter and Neptune! It's called Save Caesar.
Oh.
Great.
I'll get to work on it immediately.
The new pot.
- Do you want to get some lunch? - Oh, yeah.
Let me just ask my wife.
Yeah.
Hi, honey.
Uh, can I go to lunch with Eli? Oh, okay.
Okay, thanks.
Yeah.
No, I got to go home.