Dads s01e07 Episode Script
Foul Play
1 Dads is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Morning.
Morning, gang.
Hump day! Let's do it.
It's Monday.
Yup.
Well, I'm gonna take lunch.
Oh, I had the worst night last night.
Me, too.
I was visiting my sick aunt in the hospital.
Aw.
Yeah.
I was at a play.
Yeah.
Plays are the worst.
She's been upgraded to critical.
Thanks for asking.
So, the play, was it, uh, bad Southern accents or bad British accents? Southern.
It was Cat on a Hot Tin Roof.
Gosh, it's just three hours of people fake-fanning themselves.
I declare it's so hot on this tin roof.
.
I can't tell you how many actors were drinking from empty glasses.
Oh, I'm really thirsty.
I think I'm gonna drink from this big glass of nothing.
I hate when they pretend to drive and just steer way too much.
Like every road is constantly curvy.
The worst is when they, when they walk down the aisles and they act to you.
When I was a kid, I went and saw Godspell.
Uh, they tried to pull me on stage and I punched Jesus.
Oh, you know what else is terrible? This is a lightning storm.
Oh, no! Oh, no, the thunder! You better get your umbrella! Oh, my God.
I think I'm gonna stay inside and just drink from this big glass of nothing! Wow! Did you see that lightning? I'm gonna call it a day before the rains come.
Daddy took me to the zoo Na, na, na, na Just to see something brand-new Na, na, na So many stars up in the sky So many questions have I Na, na, na, na Daddy took me for a ride.
I had so much fun at that play last night.
Didn't you? Yeah, I'm always so happy when I leave the theater.
You know, I was thinking I might audition for a play.
That's a great idea! You should totally do that.
Honey, honey why the sudden need to be interested in things? Don't I give you enough money during the week? I just I spend so much time with housekeeping and with the kids.
And you're so good at it.
Keep it up.
Warner, I could really use a creative outlet in my life.
Okay, 80 more dollars a week, but I can't go any higher than that.
Ooh, I could just come back to work with you guys.
No! No! I thought so.
Thanks, honey.
Yeah, okay, um So working late dinner, just the two of us.
It's kind of like a date.
Ah! This is work.
You are paying me to be here.
That's a date in Vegas.
Me hate you long time.
See you tomorrow.
It's a date.
Ow! Ow, ow, ow! Hey! Hey! Ow, ow! Hey, hey! Hey.
What are you two even doing down here? He disgusting pig-man.
Come on, guys, come on, whatever it is, I'm sure it's not that a big a deal.
I may have brought bedbugs into our home.
I will bite you! Eli! No, no! Eli.
He not worth it, man.
How did you even get bedbugs? Well, it may have happened when I tried on fur coats at the thrift shop.
Or when I took a nap on that couch near the Dumpster.
Or when I was shirtless on the bus.
Why did you do any of those things? I'm a different guy when I leave the house.
David! That's my desk.
Well, la-dee-da.
What is going on? My father brought bedbugs into our house, so we have to spend the week here.
Unless of course you'd like to have me to sleep at your place.
Sorry, my lease says "no kids.
" Hi, honey.
Hey, sweetie.
Guess what? What? I got the lead in the play! Oh, my God.
I knew you'd be so excited.
I need you to thank Eli for me because I wouldn't have done this without his encouragement.
Oh, yeah, he's right here.
I-I'll thank him right now.
Eli? Okay.
Thanks for helping me rehearse, baby.
Yeah, it's the perfect capper to a ten-hour workday.
Okay, you play Casper.
Casper.
"A 30-something headstrong Albanian.
"He gives and takes guff equally, making him guff-neutral.
" Okay.
"Promise me you won't get mad, dear Casper.
" "I can't promise that any more than the hawk can promise the chicken to be true.
" Seriously? Yes, seriously.
Let's keep going, okay? Okay.
"I parked your scooter under a tree and got sap on it.
" "Don't gasp about past sap.
"And don't grasp my arm like a rat bastard pastor, Casper.
" Wow, that's gonna be a tough line to learn.
- Yeah.
- Pastor Uh, Camila, you know, I'd love to do this, but I got laundry and I got to make dinner and I got to reassure our children that Mommy still loves them, okay? Well we just started.
I have to learn all these lines.
I can help you, Camila.
Really? Mm-hmm.
Were you watching us silently again? I've told you several times to stop doing that.
Well, I was supposed to be playing golf, but they kicked me out after I accidentally drove a ball into a child's back.
Casper, huh? Uh, by the way, I'm passing a stone, so if I start screaming, duck.
Let me know if I'm in your way.
No, you're good.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Sorry I'm late.
I was driving my kids to preschool.
I had to teach myself how to change a dirty diaper on the side of the freeway.
Thank you.
Why did we have to get here so early? Well, I like to marvel at the curtain.
That is one hell of a curtain.
Hey, hey that's my armrest! That's my armrest.
Let's Rock, Paper, Scissor for it.
In Mexico, is Donkey, Pistol, Sombrero.
How does that work? Pistol shoot donkey, donkey stomp sombrero, sombrero cover pistol.
All right.
Ready? Uno, dos, tres.
One, two, three.
Okay, your armrest.
Well, it appears as though fate has thrown us together again.
We're a regular Gnomeo and Juliet.
Oh, ha-ha! It's only our second date, and already we sound like an old married couple.
Hey, don't try and fool me with the "vagina in the popcorn trick," okay? Ladies and gentlemen? We have some bad news.
Our lead actor's been in a serious car accident.
Yes! Oh, sorry.
I'm sorry.
Sorry.
So in the grand tradition of show business, tonight's performance is cancelled.
I'm sorry.
Congratulations, honey dream achieved! I'll meet you at the car, okay? Crawford, hey! You rehearsed with me for hours.
You know all the lines.
Yeah, I do.
I mean, sometimes it's hard to tell where I end and Casper begins.
Well, come on! Yeah, oh, go, go, Crawford.
Andele.
Andele.
Crawford, you should totally do it.
No, no, no, please Get up on stage! Dad, Dad, please don't.
Please don't, Dad.
I'll do it.
Great! Now, ladies and gentlemen, kindly join us on a magical journey to 1960's North Dakota! Letters! Letters! Letter for you, sir.
Don't.
I will punch you.
Ask Jesus.
Sure is quiet out here on the road.
You know, sometimes when it's late at night, I blame myself for the helicopter crash.
Oh, God.
Why did you take Alfred? I miss Alfred something fierce.
I have loved you since you were eight.
What the hell kind of play is this? A Thousand Kisses Before Midnight? Well, that's one.
So, other than that, Mrs.
Lincoln, how was the play? Look at it this way.
What way? Drunk.
Warner? Your father, he give to your wife the ol' chorizo.
This is not the answer.
Mm-mm.
Hey, guys, let's hear it for the hottest couple in show business! Thanks, everybody.
Thank you, you guys.
Thanks.
Sorry, I'm so sorry we're late.
I had to stop for some lip balm.
Yeah, she had kind of a rough go with the ol' San Francisco whisker splitter.
Thank you guys so much for coming.
It means so much to me.
But I just, I really want to thank my wonderful husband for all his support.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no-no-no, no-no-no-no, no.
You kissed my dad.
A thousand times.
It was a play.
It's fake.
Yeah.
He faked his tongue in your mouth? Warner, we leave our libidos in the dressing room.
I doubt I was more than 30% aroused.
Camila, I I knew this play would screw up our lives.
I'm-I'm sorry, but you have to stop.
What? No, no! You encouraged me to do this.
I was only pretend encouraging.
I was acting! Oh, well, I was acting, too.
Oh! Oh, so as long as it's a play, we're allowed to kiss anybody we want? That's the new rule? Ladies and gentlemen! A play called Kissing Edna by Warner Whittemore.
How do you like that? I like it good! Girls suck, huh? Totally.
Maybe I should just apologize.
No! No, no, no, no, no.
Let me tell you, as a never-married man, you hold all the cards.
How do you figure? Well, because no one is gonna want to marry a woman with three kids.
Okay, we have two kids.
Damn it! I almost said two.
It's okay.
It's just that, you know, ever since my dad moved in, I I feel like my marriage is just getting worse and worse.
Hey, hey, hey.
You can't blame your dad for ruining your life.
Dad, are you awake? Our dads are totally ruining our lives.
It is a nightmare.
Aha! You fell for the old fake snore.
You do that? I've been fake snoring my whole life.
That's how I found out my platoon was planning to kill me.
Hey.
Hey.
What are you doing back here? I'm not staying.
I just forgot my retainer.
Okay, how long are you going to keep acting like this? How long are you going to keep Frenching my dad? You know, if you would have rehearsed with me, it would have been you Frenching me, but you couldn't find the time.
What time do I have? I-I like the system we used to have together.
Oh! The one where I do everything and you do nothing? There you go.
Partners.
Unbelievable.
I've done everything for five years.
Okay.
Okay, I know about your naps, all right? Well, I know about you parking down the street and waiting for the kids' baths to be done before you come home.
Oh! Great mother! Looking out the window while your kid's in the tub! Yeah! Right on! And what about this pigsty, huh? It's like a tornado came in here.
Right here.
This plate it's like I can't find anything! Okay.
Okay, seriously, if you can't support me when I do one thing for myself, why are we even together? Tax purposes? Get out.
Fine, I'm gonna take my retainer and go to the office and live with my friends.
Say good-bye to the greatest man you've ever loved.
And never go to the bathroom without a buddy.
And always carry a flashlight.
If you don't have a flashlight, you can buy one from my canteen.
I also have candy bars, $4.
00.
Four dollars? Five.
Five? Six.
You see how this works? I'm not hungry.
And remember, the key to drying your underwear is keeping them on that vent.
It turns on every half hour.
It's also sort of become the unofficial flag of our new office society.
I can't believe I have to live here.
Are you kidding? This is a great life.
Sleeping on the floor, vending machine dinners.
Hey What are you doing here? My parents have been staying in my one-room apartment with me all week.
Why don't they just stay in a hotel? Asian.
Why don't you just stay in a hotel? Asian.
Wait, why aren't you guys at a hotel? Jewish.
Jewish.
Warner.
Dad, I've got nothing to say to you.
You know, it seems like ever since that play, something is bugging you.
You made out with my wife in front of everybody I know, and you keep doing it every night.
And you've never thanked me for it.
You know, son, you you have got to be more attentive as a husband.
My marriage didn't work out because I got in the way of what your mother wanted.
What did she want? A divorce.
Do you know how-how gross it is to-to see your dad kissing your wife? It's a it's an image I can't get out of my head.
Okay, how about this image, then? Your wife packing her bags and leaving.
Because that is exactly what is going to happen if you don't let her follow her dreams.
I got to go apologize.
Mm-hmm.
I guess there-there are worse things than your dad kissing your wife.
Warner? Yeah? I think I pregnant.
So, how'd it go at home? Good.
Things back on track with Camila? Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Last night, I, uh I actually kissed one of my dad's mustache hairs out of my wife's mouth.
But I'm I'm o I'm okay.
There's worse places you could have found it.
So, when are you when are you moving back upstairs? Tonight.
Just have a few loose ends to tie up here.
It's time.
Take your hat off, jerk.
Morning.
Morning, gang.
Hump day! Let's do it.
It's Monday.
Yup.
Well, I'm gonna take lunch.
Oh, I had the worst night last night.
Me, too.
I was visiting my sick aunt in the hospital.
Aw.
Yeah.
I was at a play.
Yeah.
Plays are the worst.
She's been upgraded to critical.
Thanks for asking.
So, the play, was it, uh, bad Southern accents or bad British accents? Southern.
It was Cat on a Hot Tin Roof.
Gosh, it's just three hours of people fake-fanning themselves.
I declare it's so hot on this tin roof.
.
I can't tell you how many actors were drinking from empty glasses.
Oh, I'm really thirsty.
I think I'm gonna drink from this big glass of nothing.
I hate when they pretend to drive and just steer way too much.
Like every road is constantly curvy.
The worst is when they, when they walk down the aisles and they act to you.
When I was a kid, I went and saw Godspell.
Uh, they tried to pull me on stage and I punched Jesus.
Oh, you know what else is terrible? This is a lightning storm.
Oh, no! Oh, no, the thunder! You better get your umbrella! Oh, my God.
I think I'm gonna stay inside and just drink from this big glass of nothing! Wow! Did you see that lightning? I'm gonna call it a day before the rains come.
Daddy took me to the zoo Na, na, na, na Just to see something brand-new Na, na, na So many stars up in the sky So many questions have I Na, na, na, na Daddy took me for a ride.
I had so much fun at that play last night.
Didn't you? Yeah, I'm always so happy when I leave the theater.
You know, I was thinking I might audition for a play.
That's a great idea! You should totally do that.
Honey, honey why the sudden need to be interested in things? Don't I give you enough money during the week? I just I spend so much time with housekeeping and with the kids.
And you're so good at it.
Keep it up.
Warner, I could really use a creative outlet in my life.
Okay, 80 more dollars a week, but I can't go any higher than that.
Ooh, I could just come back to work with you guys.
No! No! I thought so.
Thanks, honey.
Yeah, okay, um So working late dinner, just the two of us.
It's kind of like a date.
Ah! This is work.
You are paying me to be here.
That's a date in Vegas.
Me hate you long time.
See you tomorrow.
It's a date.
Ow! Ow, ow, ow! Hey! Hey! Ow, ow! Hey, hey! Hey.
What are you two even doing down here? He disgusting pig-man.
Come on, guys, come on, whatever it is, I'm sure it's not that a big a deal.
I may have brought bedbugs into our home.
I will bite you! Eli! No, no! Eli.
He not worth it, man.
How did you even get bedbugs? Well, it may have happened when I tried on fur coats at the thrift shop.
Or when I took a nap on that couch near the Dumpster.
Or when I was shirtless on the bus.
Why did you do any of those things? I'm a different guy when I leave the house.
David! That's my desk.
Well, la-dee-da.
What is going on? My father brought bedbugs into our house, so we have to spend the week here.
Unless of course you'd like to have me to sleep at your place.
Sorry, my lease says "no kids.
" Hi, honey.
Hey, sweetie.
Guess what? What? I got the lead in the play! Oh, my God.
I knew you'd be so excited.
I need you to thank Eli for me because I wouldn't have done this without his encouragement.
Oh, yeah, he's right here.
I-I'll thank him right now.
Eli? Okay.
Thanks for helping me rehearse, baby.
Yeah, it's the perfect capper to a ten-hour workday.
Okay, you play Casper.
Casper.
"A 30-something headstrong Albanian.
"He gives and takes guff equally, making him guff-neutral.
" Okay.
"Promise me you won't get mad, dear Casper.
" "I can't promise that any more than the hawk can promise the chicken to be true.
" Seriously? Yes, seriously.
Let's keep going, okay? Okay.
"I parked your scooter under a tree and got sap on it.
" "Don't gasp about past sap.
"And don't grasp my arm like a rat bastard pastor, Casper.
" Wow, that's gonna be a tough line to learn.
- Yeah.
- Pastor Uh, Camila, you know, I'd love to do this, but I got laundry and I got to make dinner and I got to reassure our children that Mommy still loves them, okay? Well we just started.
I have to learn all these lines.
I can help you, Camila.
Really? Mm-hmm.
Were you watching us silently again? I've told you several times to stop doing that.
Well, I was supposed to be playing golf, but they kicked me out after I accidentally drove a ball into a child's back.
Casper, huh? Uh, by the way, I'm passing a stone, so if I start screaming, duck.
Let me know if I'm in your way.
No, you're good.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Sorry I'm late.
I was driving my kids to preschool.
I had to teach myself how to change a dirty diaper on the side of the freeway.
Thank you.
Why did we have to get here so early? Well, I like to marvel at the curtain.
That is one hell of a curtain.
Hey, hey that's my armrest! That's my armrest.
Let's Rock, Paper, Scissor for it.
In Mexico, is Donkey, Pistol, Sombrero.
How does that work? Pistol shoot donkey, donkey stomp sombrero, sombrero cover pistol.
All right.
Ready? Uno, dos, tres.
One, two, three.
Okay, your armrest.
Well, it appears as though fate has thrown us together again.
We're a regular Gnomeo and Juliet.
Oh, ha-ha! It's only our second date, and already we sound like an old married couple.
Hey, don't try and fool me with the "vagina in the popcorn trick," okay? Ladies and gentlemen? We have some bad news.
Our lead actor's been in a serious car accident.
Yes! Oh, sorry.
I'm sorry.
Sorry.
So in the grand tradition of show business, tonight's performance is cancelled.
I'm sorry.
Congratulations, honey dream achieved! I'll meet you at the car, okay? Crawford, hey! You rehearsed with me for hours.
You know all the lines.
Yeah, I do.
I mean, sometimes it's hard to tell where I end and Casper begins.
Well, come on! Yeah, oh, go, go, Crawford.
Andele.
Andele.
Crawford, you should totally do it.
No, no, no, please Get up on stage! Dad, Dad, please don't.
Please don't, Dad.
I'll do it.
Great! Now, ladies and gentlemen, kindly join us on a magical journey to 1960's North Dakota! Letters! Letters! Letter for you, sir.
Don't.
I will punch you.
Ask Jesus.
Sure is quiet out here on the road.
You know, sometimes when it's late at night, I blame myself for the helicopter crash.
Oh, God.
Why did you take Alfred? I miss Alfred something fierce.
I have loved you since you were eight.
What the hell kind of play is this? A Thousand Kisses Before Midnight? Well, that's one.
So, other than that, Mrs.
Lincoln, how was the play? Look at it this way.
What way? Drunk.
Warner? Your father, he give to your wife the ol' chorizo.
This is not the answer.
Mm-mm.
Hey, guys, let's hear it for the hottest couple in show business! Thanks, everybody.
Thank you, you guys.
Thanks.
Sorry, I'm so sorry we're late.
I had to stop for some lip balm.
Yeah, she had kind of a rough go with the ol' San Francisco whisker splitter.
Thank you guys so much for coming.
It means so much to me.
But I just, I really want to thank my wonderful husband for all his support.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no-no-no, no-no-no-no, no.
You kissed my dad.
A thousand times.
It was a play.
It's fake.
Yeah.
He faked his tongue in your mouth? Warner, we leave our libidos in the dressing room.
I doubt I was more than 30% aroused.
Camila, I I knew this play would screw up our lives.
I'm-I'm sorry, but you have to stop.
What? No, no! You encouraged me to do this.
I was only pretend encouraging.
I was acting! Oh, well, I was acting, too.
Oh! Oh, so as long as it's a play, we're allowed to kiss anybody we want? That's the new rule? Ladies and gentlemen! A play called Kissing Edna by Warner Whittemore.
How do you like that? I like it good! Girls suck, huh? Totally.
Maybe I should just apologize.
No! No, no, no, no, no.
Let me tell you, as a never-married man, you hold all the cards.
How do you figure? Well, because no one is gonna want to marry a woman with three kids.
Okay, we have two kids.
Damn it! I almost said two.
It's okay.
It's just that, you know, ever since my dad moved in, I I feel like my marriage is just getting worse and worse.
Hey, hey, hey.
You can't blame your dad for ruining your life.
Dad, are you awake? Our dads are totally ruining our lives.
It is a nightmare.
Aha! You fell for the old fake snore.
You do that? I've been fake snoring my whole life.
That's how I found out my platoon was planning to kill me.
Hey.
Hey.
What are you doing back here? I'm not staying.
I just forgot my retainer.
Okay, how long are you going to keep acting like this? How long are you going to keep Frenching my dad? You know, if you would have rehearsed with me, it would have been you Frenching me, but you couldn't find the time.
What time do I have? I-I like the system we used to have together.
Oh! The one where I do everything and you do nothing? There you go.
Partners.
Unbelievable.
I've done everything for five years.
Okay.
Okay, I know about your naps, all right? Well, I know about you parking down the street and waiting for the kids' baths to be done before you come home.
Oh! Great mother! Looking out the window while your kid's in the tub! Yeah! Right on! And what about this pigsty, huh? It's like a tornado came in here.
Right here.
This plate it's like I can't find anything! Okay.
Okay, seriously, if you can't support me when I do one thing for myself, why are we even together? Tax purposes? Get out.
Fine, I'm gonna take my retainer and go to the office and live with my friends.
Say good-bye to the greatest man you've ever loved.
And never go to the bathroom without a buddy.
And always carry a flashlight.
If you don't have a flashlight, you can buy one from my canteen.
I also have candy bars, $4.
00.
Four dollars? Five.
Five? Six.
You see how this works? I'm not hungry.
And remember, the key to drying your underwear is keeping them on that vent.
It turns on every half hour.
It's also sort of become the unofficial flag of our new office society.
I can't believe I have to live here.
Are you kidding? This is a great life.
Sleeping on the floor, vending machine dinners.
Hey What are you doing here? My parents have been staying in my one-room apartment with me all week.
Why don't they just stay in a hotel? Asian.
Why don't you just stay in a hotel? Asian.
Wait, why aren't you guys at a hotel? Jewish.
Jewish.
Warner.
Dad, I've got nothing to say to you.
You know, it seems like ever since that play, something is bugging you.
You made out with my wife in front of everybody I know, and you keep doing it every night.
And you've never thanked me for it.
You know, son, you you have got to be more attentive as a husband.
My marriage didn't work out because I got in the way of what your mother wanted.
What did she want? A divorce.
Do you know how-how gross it is to-to see your dad kissing your wife? It's a it's an image I can't get out of my head.
Okay, how about this image, then? Your wife packing her bags and leaving.
Because that is exactly what is going to happen if you don't let her follow her dreams.
I got to go apologize.
Mm-hmm.
I guess there-there are worse things than your dad kissing your wife.
Warner? Yeah? I think I pregnant.
So, how'd it go at home? Good.
Things back on track with Camila? Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Last night, I, uh I actually kissed one of my dad's mustache hairs out of my wife's mouth.
But I'm I'm o I'm okay.
There's worse places you could have found it.
So, when are you when are you moving back upstairs? Tonight.
Just have a few loose ends to tie up here.
It's time.
Take your hat off, jerk.