Dads s01e17 Episode Script
Enemies of Bill
1 Dads is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Wow! That same guy just dunked it again.
That's an instant replay, Dad.
Still.
Okay, okay.
Cheers.
Good night, Dad.
Yeah, good night.
What? Oh, come on.
Let's kill this bottle.
You know, when we bought this bottle today, didn't we agree that it was gonna be a two-month supply? Uh-huh.
Whoa! Those two months flew by, huh? Whoa! Okay.
Well I guess I'll go to bed.
Yeah.
Right? Whoa.
Ship it in the sand dome.
And and ish banny banny gunda to form it.
How does your dad not Janis Joplin choke-puke himself to death every night? Bazza Ronin, Dad.
Daddy took me to the zoo.
What happened?! Oy! Was the raccoon masturbating at the window again? No.
Your dad peed on our couch! What? He must have gotten up in the middle of the night, still drunk, and thought this was the toilet.
God.
Ew! Hey, Bloody Mary, anyone? No.
No more drinking.
No more drinking in this house.
Oh, come on, Camila! Please! Nope.
Nope.
If you want to continue to drink, you will not be living in our home.
Okay, got it.
I'll just keep it at the white meats, vodka and gin.
Wha? No.
Beer and wine.
Got it.
No.
Wine coolers and uh, cooking sherry.
Done.
It's easy.
No.
Vanilla extract and and turpentine! No, Crawford, nothing! You know what? As a show of solidarity, Warner and I are gonna quit drinking, too.
Yeah.
What? No, no no, no, no, no.
Okay, well, if Crawford stops, we all stop.
It's only fair.
Okay, honey, in all honesty, if I want to have a drink, there's nothing you can do about it, so Oh! Oh! Aah! The pee couch, the pee couch! The pee couch.
I can't believe you took a called third strike in a slow-pitch softball game.
She was one of their better pitchers.
She was in a wheelchair.
You know why I stink so badly at baseball? Maybe it's because you were never there to teach me.
Right.
That's why every NBA player without a father turned out spazzy.
Edna, do we have any Gatorade? What have you done to deserve Gatorade? Gatorade is rewa.
What water and salt was lost from your body that needs to be replenished? The tears from when you took a called third strike? This is how you make up for abandoning me? By insulting me after I've let you live with me? When I didn't live with you, I didn't know how bad you stunk.
You know what? Forget it.
Edna.
I found 28 cents in right field for your change jar.
What are you, uh, doing with all that money? I want to send my cousin, Señor Junior, to junior college.
What's he doing now? Señor Junior stay back in junior high.
Now Señor Junior high school senior, señor.
¿Comprende? SÃ.
I mean, Nicholson is hammered all the time and he makes millions.
And the, and the pope drinks wine, for Pete's sake.
So, uh you guys really decided to quit drinking? Yes, you bet.
Mm.
Um, could you hand me that hand sanitizer, please? Oh.
Thank you so much.
Crawford! What is the matter with you?! I don't know.
I mean, my body feels like I was happily dead and then I was violently brought back to life by some horrible experiment.
Can we please get some more gum in this office?! I'm so sick and tired of working in a freaking gum-less office! Hey, so what brought on this whole "no drinking" thing? Dad peed on the couch and then Camila overreacted, and now the three of us aren't drinking.
Oh, Camila quit, too? Yeah, but she's fine you know, she doesn't drink as much as we do.
I don't need red wine.
You need red wine.
So, what's it like not drinking? It's like being Mormon except you only get one wife.
This is never gonna work, man.
No, no, no, no, no.
It's gonna work, it's gonna work.
Hey, does your pot dealer sell heroin? Hey.
So, no drinking, huh? What the hell are we gonna do from 5:00 to 11:00? We could play charades.
I would rather read the Bible with a gun in my mouth.
Okay, what about hobbies? Crawford, you must have some hobbies after all these years.
Hmm.
You know, I think you might have something there, little missy.
I'll be right back.
If he brings back the scissors, I get the first haircut.
Still wet! Here you go, son.
Oh, Dad, no, I don't want to play guitar, man.
Oh, here, here, here.
I don't want to play guitar.
You know, it might help us.
Take our minds off not drinking.
Drinking.
Hey, not bad, Crawford.
Come on, Warner.
There we go.
Yeah! Whoo! Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Camila it was Simon & Garfunkel, not Simon, Garfunkel & Garfunkel's wife banging on a table.
Whoa! Edna, what are you still doing here? You got something to tell me, ese? Actually, I do.
I was thinking that I want my socks to be rolled into balls from now on, instead of folded together.
Hmm.
Are you stealing from me?! What?! The jar.
Change was up here.
Now down here.
Why would I steal your change? Ha! Look around this apartment.
You TV, you stereo, this plant.
You living pretty high, muchacho.
Edna, I'm I'm not stealing your change.
I gave you change, remember? Yesterday.
Yes.
That's true.
So am I still a suspect? You free to go.
But no leave town.
You still hombre of interest.
What's happening with your phone?! Edna's convinced that my dad is stealing change from her, so she keeps sending me these threatening text messages for him.
Check this out.
"I kill him during he watch loud opera.
" "I fry-pan his head during Geo-purdy.
" "I make blender angry at his hand fingers.
" Like You sure a dog didn't just grab her phone and start randomly biting buttons? Hi, guys.
How's the no-drinking going? Uh, yeah, not bad, actually.
Yeah.
We're filling up the time by writing songs.
Songs? Mm-hmm.
I didn't know you guys played music.
Would you like to hear something? Nope.
This is a workplace, not two idiots on a college quad.
Come on.
Song! Let's get a song, right, guys? Song! A song! Song! Eli, no, no.
No.
No.
No.
Song! Song! Song! No, no! No! A minor.
My daddy was a drunken loser I was raised by a drunken dad Like me, I became A boozer And I raised you as a drunken dad But I still made it to your wedding on time You drove the car through the reception line Back then drunk driving wasn't Such a crime Raised by a drunken dad Take it, Warner.
A good dad I could not be I was raised by a drunken Dad And the apple doesn't fall far from the tree My son is a drunken dad So sad My son is a drunken Dad.
That was really moving.
Well, it was emotional.
Yeah.
Cool beans, huh? Listen, I run the local Alcoholics Anonymous.
Uh-huh.
And I was wondering if you guys would come down and play at a meeting.
Oh.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, sure.
Yeah, th-that'd be great.
- Cool.
Thanks.
Awesome.
- Okay.
Warner we just got signed by Capitol Records.
Dad, I-I think you're still drying out.
He just asked us to play at an A.
A.
meeting Well, I guess we should do what the label says.
Mr.
Eli, Yeah.
here your sock how you want.
No.
No, Edna.
I-I meant that each sock would be rolled into a tiny ball, not all of them in one big ball.
Oh, boy.
You no gonna like your shirts.
Hello.
Hey.
Where you been? I got a flu shot at the pharmacy.
Because who better to administer medical care than the guy who puts price tags on flip-flops? Nice watch.
Oh, thank you.
It's new.
Where'd you get it? Excuse me, Mr.
David.
Where's my money, bitch?! Hey, hey.
What are you talking about? Dad, are you stealing change from Edna's jar? Stealing? Stealing? Oh, because I can't have beautiful things? I'm the one who was robbed.
Of my dignity! Good day! There's something I want to watch on TV.
Pretend I stormed out.
You steal my change! No, I didn't.
Check your jar.
It's full, isn't it? I think you owe me an apology.
I sorry.
I don't accept your apology.
You have disgraced Jesus.
Wait a second.
This no my jar.
This jar smaller.
Or Edna bigger.
Let me see that.
Hey, you're right.
That is smaller.
Let's take him out, man! Hey wait Let's follow him and catch him in the act.
No.
I catch him in the act last week.
He had laptop on sink.
Wait a minute, he doesn't have a laptop.
Oh, that was mine.
Hello, my name is Bob T.
, and I'm an alcoholic.
We know.
Okay.
So, let's get this meeting started and give a special welcome to two new attendees, Crawford and Warner.
Hi, Crawford and Warner.
Hi.
Hi.
These guys are here to open the meeting with an inspirational song that I think everyone here can relate to.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Thanks for having us.
Yeah.
Keep fighting, gang.
Hopefully this will help.
Okay.
Sometimes life can be so tough You want to scream "I've had enough" At times like that we know Just what you think But keep that bottle on the shelf Look in the mirror and ask yourself "Now, do I really need This drink?" We're losing 'em, Dad.
Yeah.
I know.
Maybe we should do the one we wrote this morning.
No, no, no, no.
It's not ready, it's not ready.
Yeah, but it's Warner, it's our only hope.
We can all hear you.
Well, as I've just said, the musical question Do I really need this drink? Well, the answer is yes.
Bottoms up, bottoms up It'll get you through the day Bottoms up, bottoms up That's the alcoholic way Fly away from it all On the wings of alcohol Have a drink, have a ball Bottoms up, bottoms up Take it, Warner.
Sorry.
Bottoms up Bottoms up That's how we start the day Bottoms up Bottoms up, and work turns into play And who cares if you find That you're slowly going blind You'll be drunk, you won't mind Bottoms up, bottoms up Everybody! Bottoms up Bottoms up Bottoms up, bottoms up Bottoms up, bottoms up Bottoms up, bottoms up Look around Watch the news, it'll Give you the blues That's why God gave us booze Bottoms up, bottoms up.
Hey, Dave.
Dave! How's life treating you, Mr.
Sachs? The world's a giant dog turd and I'm a plastic bag.
You gonna get that thing today or what? Got two pockets full of hope.
What the hell is my dad doing at this bar? Maybe he have sex with men in bathroom for change.
Come on.
Aha! My change! What?! Dad, is that Edna's change? Did you follow me all the way here? Yes! And what were you doing for an hour in that store that sells wheelchairs and bedpans? You don't want to wait till you need a bedpan to get a bedpan.
I kill you, muchacho! Hold on, hold on.
I can explain.
Look.
I felt really bad about all that stuff I said to you after the softball game and how you felt about me abandoning you.
I thought maybe I could make it up to you a little, so I'm trying to get you that Bionic Baby toy you loved as a kid.
Bionic Baby? The one you threw out the car window after Grandma's funeral? Yes.
Anyway, I couldn't find anyplace that sold them, so I tracked down the only place that had one, here, in this game.
Bionic Baby! Oh, my gosh! I can see him! He's at the bottom! I didn't think it was gonna be so hard to get, but after I spent the only 40 bucks I had trying to grab that sucker, I started borrowing Edna's change.
Stealing! I was gonna pay it back, I swear.
I'm gonna get you, Bionic Baby! Can I have five beers, please? Same for me, please! That's not a good idea.
No, no.
No, no.
Now, hold on! No, no.
Hold-hold on! Hold on! Hold on! Hold on, everybody! Hold on! Crawford? David? Warner? Edna? If you're here for Bionic Baby, you're gonna have to go through me and her.
What are you talking about? No, we're here to keep these A.
A.
people from drinking.
Hurry, Warner.
There's a new libation that is sweeping The nation It's called water Water It's called water.
So, you guys are drinking again? Yeah, we decided that music destroys more lives than alcohol.
No! Oh, come on! How much did you pay for that box of soon-to-be ocean garbage? I didn't.
My dad and Edna and I carried it out when those two started a drunken riot.
Hey, how's it going? Did you get it yet? No, no, no.
Just all this junk.
No.
This not junk.
This is Saturday night out.
Ooh! Ooh! Well, Edna and I have a little surprise for you.
We turned over your couch.
That's awesome.
Thank you.
Now you play until you get Bionic Baby.
Or you could just do that.
Bionic Baby! Now, no more Bionic Baby, no more songs, and back to work.
Vámonos.
Wow! That same guy just dunked it again.
That's an instant replay, Dad.
Still.
Okay, okay.
Cheers.
Good night, Dad.
Yeah, good night.
What? Oh, come on.
Let's kill this bottle.
You know, when we bought this bottle today, didn't we agree that it was gonna be a two-month supply? Uh-huh.
Whoa! Those two months flew by, huh? Whoa! Okay.
Well I guess I'll go to bed.
Yeah.
Right? Whoa.
Ship it in the sand dome.
And and ish banny banny gunda to form it.
How does your dad not Janis Joplin choke-puke himself to death every night? Bazza Ronin, Dad.
Daddy took me to the zoo.
What happened?! Oy! Was the raccoon masturbating at the window again? No.
Your dad peed on our couch! What? He must have gotten up in the middle of the night, still drunk, and thought this was the toilet.
God.
Ew! Hey, Bloody Mary, anyone? No.
No more drinking.
No more drinking in this house.
Oh, come on, Camila! Please! Nope.
Nope.
If you want to continue to drink, you will not be living in our home.
Okay, got it.
I'll just keep it at the white meats, vodka and gin.
Wha? No.
Beer and wine.
Got it.
No.
Wine coolers and uh, cooking sherry.
Done.
It's easy.
No.
Vanilla extract and and turpentine! No, Crawford, nothing! You know what? As a show of solidarity, Warner and I are gonna quit drinking, too.
Yeah.
What? No, no no, no, no, no.
Okay, well, if Crawford stops, we all stop.
It's only fair.
Okay, honey, in all honesty, if I want to have a drink, there's nothing you can do about it, so Oh! Oh! Aah! The pee couch, the pee couch! The pee couch.
I can't believe you took a called third strike in a slow-pitch softball game.
She was one of their better pitchers.
She was in a wheelchair.
You know why I stink so badly at baseball? Maybe it's because you were never there to teach me.
Right.
That's why every NBA player without a father turned out spazzy.
Edna, do we have any Gatorade? What have you done to deserve Gatorade? Gatorade is rewa.
What water and salt was lost from your body that needs to be replenished? The tears from when you took a called third strike? This is how you make up for abandoning me? By insulting me after I've let you live with me? When I didn't live with you, I didn't know how bad you stunk.
You know what? Forget it.
Edna.
I found 28 cents in right field for your change jar.
What are you, uh, doing with all that money? I want to send my cousin, Señor Junior, to junior college.
What's he doing now? Señor Junior stay back in junior high.
Now Señor Junior high school senior, señor.
¿Comprende? SÃ.
I mean, Nicholson is hammered all the time and he makes millions.
And the, and the pope drinks wine, for Pete's sake.
So, uh you guys really decided to quit drinking? Yes, you bet.
Mm.
Um, could you hand me that hand sanitizer, please? Oh.
Thank you so much.
Crawford! What is the matter with you?! I don't know.
I mean, my body feels like I was happily dead and then I was violently brought back to life by some horrible experiment.
Can we please get some more gum in this office?! I'm so sick and tired of working in a freaking gum-less office! Hey, so what brought on this whole "no drinking" thing? Dad peed on the couch and then Camila overreacted, and now the three of us aren't drinking.
Oh, Camila quit, too? Yeah, but she's fine you know, she doesn't drink as much as we do.
I don't need red wine.
You need red wine.
So, what's it like not drinking? It's like being Mormon except you only get one wife.
This is never gonna work, man.
No, no, no, no, no.
It's gonna work, it's gonna work.
Hey, does your pot dealer sell heroin? Hey.
So, no drinking, huh? What the hell are we gonna do from 5:00 to 11:00? We could play charades.
I would rather read the Bible with a gun in my mouth.
Okay, what about hobbies? Crawford, you must have some hobbies after all these years.
Hmm.
You know, I think you might have something there, little missy.
I'll be right back.
If he brings back the scissors, I get the first haircut.
Still wet! Here you go, son.
Oh, Dad, no, I don't want to play guitar, man.
Oh, here, here, here.
I don't want to play guitar.
You know, it might help us.
Take our minds off not drinking.
Drinking.
Hey, not bad, Crawford.
Come on, Warner.
There we go.
Yeah! Whoo! Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Camila it was Simon & Garfunkel, not Simon, Garfunkel & Garfunkel's wife banging on a table.
Whoa! Edna, what are you still doing here? You got something to tell me, ese? Actually, I do.
I was thinking that I want my socks to be rolled into balls from now on, instead of folded together.
Hmm.
Are you stealing from me?! What?! The jar.
Change was up here.
Now down here.
Why would I steal your change? Ha! Look around this apartment.
You TV, you stereo, this plant.
You living pretty high, muchacho.
Edna, I'm I'm not stealing your change.
I gave you change, remember? Yesterday.
Yes.
That's true.
So am I still a suspect? You free to go.
But no leave town.
You still hombre of interest.
What's happening with your phone?! Edna's convinced that my dad is stealing change from her, so she keeps sending me these threatening text messages for him.
Check this out.
"I kill him during he watch loud opera.
" "I fry-pan his head during Geo-purdy.
" "I make blender angry at his hand fingers.
" Like You sure a dog didn't just grab her phone and start randomly biting buttons? Hi, guys.
How's the no-drinking going? Uh, yeah, not bad, actually.
Yeah.
We're filling up the time by writing songs.
Songs? Mm-hmm.
I didn't know you guys played music.
Would you like to hear something? Nope.
This is a workplace, not two idiots on a college quad.
Come on.
Song! Let's get a song, right, guys? Song! A song! Song! Eli, no, no.
No.
No.
No.
Song! Song! Song! No, no! No! A minor.
My daddy was a drunken loser I was raised by a drunken dad Like me, I became A boozer And I raised you as a drunken dad But I still made it to your wedding on time You drove the car through the reception line Back then drunk driving wasn't Such a crime Raised by a drunken dad Take it, Warner.
A good dad I could not be I was raised by a drunken Dad And the apple doesn't fall far from the tree My son is a drunken dad So sad My son is a drunken Dad.
That was really moving.
Well, it was emotional.
Yeah.
Cool beans, huh? Listen, I run the local Alcoholics Anonymous.
Uh-huh.
And I was wondering if you guys would come down and play at a meeting.
Oh.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, sure.
Yeah, th-that'd be great.
- Cool.
Thanks.
Awesome.
- Okay.
Warner we just got signed by Capitol Records.
Dad, I-I think you're still drying out.
He just asked us to play at an A.
A.
meeting Well, I guess we should do what the label says.
Mr.
Eli, Yeah.
here your sock how you want.
No.
No, Edna.
I-I meant that each sock would be rolled into a tiny ball, not all of them in one big ball.
Oh, boy.
You no gonna like your shirts.
Hello.
Hey.
Where you been? I got a flu shot at the pharmacy.
Because who better to administer medical care than the guy who puts price tags on flip-flops? Nice watch.
Oh, thank you.
It's new.
Where'd you get it? Excuse me, Mr.
David.
Where's my money, bitch?! Hey, hey.
What are you talking about? Dad, are you stealing change from Edna's jar? Stealing? Stealing? Oh, because I can't have beautiful things? I'm the one who was robbed.
Of my dignity! Good day! There's something I want to watch on TV.
Pretend I stormed out.
You steal my change! No, I didn't.
Check your jar.
It's full, isn't it? I think you owe me an apology.
I sorry.
I don't accept your apology.
You have disgraced Jesus.
Wait a second.
This no my jar.
This jar smaller.
Or Edna bigger.
Let me see that.
Hey, you're right.
That is smaller.
Let's take him out, man! Hey wait Let's follow him and catch him in the act.
No.
I catch him in the act last week.
He had laptop on sink.
Wait a minute, he doesn't have a laptop.
Oh, that was mine.
Hello, my name is Bob T.
, and I'm an alcoholic.
We know.
Okay.
So, let's get this meeting started and give a special welcome to two new attendees, Crawford and Warner.
Hi, Crawford and Warner.
Hi.
Hi.
These guys are here to open the meeting with an inspirational song that I think everyone here can relate to.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Thanks for having us.
Yeah.
Keep fighting, gang.
Hopefully this will help.
Okay.
Sometimes life can be so tough You want to scream "I've had enough" At times like that we know Just what you think But keep that bottle on the shelf Look in the mirror and ask yourself "Now, do I really need This drink?" We're losing 'em, Dad.
Yeah.
I know.
Maybe we should do the one we wrote this morning.
No, no, no, no.
It's not ready, it's not ready.
Yeah, but it's Warner, it's our only hope.
We can all hear you.
Well, as I've just said, the musical question Do I really need this drink? Well, the answer is yes.
Bottoms up, bottoms up It'll get you through the day Bottoms up, bottoms up That's the alcoholic way Fly away from it all On the wings of alcohol Have a drink, have a ball Bottoms up, bottoms up Take it, Warner.
Sorry.
Bottoms up Bottoms up That's how we start the day Bottoms up Bottoms up, and work turns into play And who cares if you find That you're slowly going blind You'll be drunk, you won't mind Bottoms up, bottoms up Everybody! Bottoms up Bottoms up Bottoms up, bottoms up Bottoms up, bottoms up Bottoms up, bottoms up Look around Watch the news, it'll Give you the blues That's why God gave us booze Bottoms up, bottoms up.
Hey, Dave.
Dave! How's life treating you, Mr.
Sachs? The world's a giant dog turd and I'm a plastic bag.
You gonna get that thing today or what? Got two pockets full of hope.
What the hell is my dad doing at this bar? Maybe he have sex with men in bathroom for change.
Come on.
Aha! My change! What?! Dad, is that Edna's change? Did you follow me all the way here? Yes! And what were you doing for an hour in that store that sells wheelchairs and bedpans? You don't want to wait till you need a bedpan to get a bedpan.
I kill you, muchacho! Hold on, hold on.
I can explain.
Look.
I felt really bad about all that stuff I said to you after the softball game and how you felt about me abandoning you.
I thought maybe I could make it up to you a little, so I'm trying to get you that Bionic Baby toy you loved as a kid.
Bionic Baby? The one you threw out the car window after Grandma's funeral? Yes.
Anyway, I couldn't find anyplace that sold them, so I tracked down the only place that had one, here, in this game.
Bionic Baby! Oh, my gosh! I can see him! He's at the bottom! I didn't think it was gonna be so hard to get, but after I spent the only 40 bucks I had trying to grab that sucker, I started borrowing Edna's change.
Stealing! I was gonna pay it back, I swear.
I'm gonna get you, Bionic Baby! Can I have five beers, please? Same for me, please! That's not a good idea.
No, no.
No, no.
Now, hold on! No, no.
Hold-hold on! Hold on! Hold on! Hold on, everybody! Hold on! Crawford? David? Warner? Edna? If you're here for Bionic Baby, you're gonna have to go through me and her.
What are you talking about? No, we're here to keep these A.
A.
people from drinking.
Hurry, Warner.
There's a new libation that is sweeping The nation It's called water Water It's called water.
So, you guys are drinking again? Yeah, we decided that music destroys more lives than alcohol.
No! Oh, come on! How much did you pay for that box of soon-to-be ocean garbage? I didn't.
My dad and Edna and I carried it out when those two started a drunken riot.
Hey, how's it going? Did you get it yet? No, no, no.
Just all this junk.
No.
This not junk.
This is Saturday night out.
Ooh! Ooh! Well, Edna and I have a little surprise for you.
We turned over your couch.
That's awesome.
Thank you.
Now you play until you get Bionic Baby.
Or you could just do that.
Bionic Baby! Now, no more Bionic Baby, no more songs, and back to work.
Vámonos.