Dad's Army (1968) s01e01 Episode Script

And so, ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to introduse our guest of honor - one of Walmington–on–Sea's most distinguished citizens.
A man of many parts.
A banker, soldier, magistrate, alderman and secretary of the Rotary Club.
A good fellow all round.
Ladies and gentlemen, Alderman George Mainwaring! Mr Chairman, Mr Town Clerk, ladies and gentlemen When I was first invited to be guest of honour tonight at the launching of Walmington–on–Sea's ''I'm Backing Britain Campaign'', I accepted without hesitation.
After all, I have always backed Britain.
Hear, hear! I got into the habit of it in 1940, but then we ALL backed Britain.
– Hear, hear! – It was the darkest hour in our history.
The odds were absurdly against us, but, young and old, we stood there, defiant, determined to survive, to recover and, finally, to win.
News was desperate, but our spirits were always high.
The massive Nazi war machine is pushing its way across Europe, laying waste neutral countries with a savagery unmatched in history.
When Hitler comes up against British troops, it's a different story – they fight him every inch of the way, giving as good as they get.
Is Tommy Atkins downhearted? We'll say he's notI Why should he be with a leader like this? A new malice has been added to an already brutal struggle.
Hordes of parachutists descend from the skies, trained to sabotage lines of communication.
Even our own shores may not long be spared this – the latest of Hitler's tricks.
We all have our part to play, and every effort is being made to confuse the enemy.
So, look out, AdolfI Every day, our defences are strengthened, and if they do come, let's give them a sharp welcome! Ah, going home, are they? – Sir.
– Well done, Pike.
– This is heavy! – That's the sand being wet.
– You should have waited for the tide to go out.
– They'll keep out the German bullets.
– Don't take so long over the next one.
– It's not my fault, sir.
– I spent ten minutes picking the shrimps out.
– Thank you, Mr Wilson.
On there, please.
That's a reasonable field of fire.
It covers most of the high street.
Yes, we can safely say that Jerry's parachutists will be as dead as mutton from Stead & Simpson's to Timothy White's.
We'd get a clear run down to the pier pavilion if that woman got out of the telephone box.
It's Mrs Hoskins calling her sister.
She'll only be three minutes.
Let's hope that Hitler stays his hand till Mrs Hoskins gets the pips.
– Let's hope he waits till we get a machine gun.
– This is the last one.
– It's not high enough.
– There's no more sand, sir.
– There's a beach full of it down there.
– The tide's in.
The water's up to here.
It went right over my mum's wellingtons.
Damp wellingtons don't matter when the whole of Europe is writhing under the Nazi heel.
– My mum won't see it like that.
– We could get some more sand at low tide.
Time is not on our side.
We must improvise.
How much copper have we got? – Copper? – Yes.
Pennies.
– About ten L5 bags.
– Got and get 'em, Pike.
Lay 'em out along here.
I don't think we ought to do that.
It will cause a penny shortage in the town.
– It will be very inconvenient.
– They'll have to grin and bear it.
– There's a war on! – Head office won't like this.
This is no time for red tape.
At any moment, hordes of German parachutists may drop on us from the skies.
They'll be in disguise.
A platoon of them could come dressed as nuns, set up their headquarters in that church, and you'd never notice.
I think I would.
That's the Methodist Chapel.
– Two bags, sir.
– Well done, Pike.
Well done.
The cashier says will you sign them out for the vault, or shall we open an account for you and give you an overdraft? I'll talk to him later.
See who that is, Wilson.
Say I'm not to be disturbed.
Lick this paper and stick it in crosses on the windows.
It's an army despatch rider from GHQ Eastern Command.
He's got a packet.
Poor devil.
What was it, a sniper? – It's for you, sir.
– This is the moment I've been waiting for.
Pipped them to the post, did I? A few weeks ago, I sent a letter to GHQ, asking for instructions in case of an invasion.
I told them that I'd served in the last conflict.
Somewhere in the Orkneys, wasn't it? I was a commissioned officer and I served in France during the whole of 1919.
But the war ended in 1918.
Someone had to clear up the mess.
Where were you during the war? – Mons.
Gallipoli.
I was a sergeant in the RA.
– Never mind that now.
''In view of the grave danger of enemy parachutists landing in the home counties, ''it has been decided to form a force of local volunteers to guard certain strategic points.
''This force will be known as the Local Defence Volunteers.
'' – Yes, Miss King? – It's Anthony Eden, sir.
– In person? – On the wireless.
They say it's very important.
We want large numbers of such men in Great Britain who are British subjects between the ages of 17 and 65.
17 and 65.
The name of the new force will be the ''Local Defence Volunteers''.
This name describes its duties in three words.
Here then is the opportunity for which so many of you have been waiting.
Your loyal help will make and keep our country safe.
Right.
Let's go to it! Back to work.
The first thing we've got to do is set up an invasion committee.
– Pike.
– Yes, sir? – Whatever's the matter, boy? – I feel sick.
It's licking all this paper.
We three are the invasion committee.
First, we appoint a properly appointed commander.
– A what, sir? – Appoint a properly appointed commander.
That's me.
All right? – All right.
– You will be my second in command.
Thank you very much indeed.
What next? ''Means of conveying instructions and information to the public.
''An Information Officer will be appointed.
'' Pike, that'll be you.
''The Information 0fficer will be supplied with a megaphone.
'' – Hold that, Wilson.
– Yes, of course.
Like that? You'll find that in times like these, improvisation is the keynote to success.
– Well done, sir.
– There's your megaphone, lad.
Your first job is to jump on your bicycle and go round the town delivering this message – ''All Local Defence Volunteers to report to the church hall at six o'clock tonight.
'' Try that.
– All Defence – Let me show you.
All Local Defence Volunteers to report to the church hall at six o'clock tonight! There you are.
I don't know how you do it.
History repeats itself, Wilson.
Times of peril always bring great men to the fore – Wellington, Churchill – Al Jolson! – Al Jol – It's twenty past.
Where is he? – I could have had time for a round of golf.
– I've just bought a new – Excuse me.
Just a moment.
We're waiting for the appointed commander.
– I am the appointed commander.
– Ooh, sorry! There you are, sir.
– Did you get the enrolment forms? – No.
– Didn't the police have any? – They told me to put in an application form.
– Why didn't you? – They hadn't got any.
– I got those, however.
– These are paying–in forms.
Don't keep putting obstacles in the way, Wilson.
– Get the first man in.
– Right, sir.
Would you mind stepping this way, please? – Wilson, come here.
– What? I intend to mould those men out there into an aggressive, fighting unit.
I'm going to lead them, command them, inspire them to be ruthless killers.
I won't get very far if you invite them to ''step this way''.
– ''Quick march'' is the order.
– Quick march! Not much point.
I'm here already.
– Name? – James Frazer.
– Occupation? – I keep a philatelist's shop.
How do you spell that? – S–H–O–P.
– S–H Thank you very much.
I imagine you've not had any previous army experience.
– None at all.
– We can tell.
Once a soldier, always a soldier.
I'm a sailor.
Chief Petty Officer – Royal Navy.
Retired.
Sign there.
– Are you swearing? – I never said a word.
You army types! Aren't you swearing an oath of allegiance? Oh Yes, of course we are.
We're going to do that later.
Wait outside.
Cor! Boy's Brigade, isn't it! Have to watch that man, Wilson.
Bolshie lot, these Jack tars.
Next man.
Next man, please.
Quick Quick march! In here.
All right.
Halt.
– How do you do? – How do? Name.
– Godfrey.
Charles Godfrey.
– Occupation? I'm retired, but I was 25 years in the Civil Service.
Really? Indian or British? Civil Service Stores.
Any previous military experience? I was several years in the sports department.
That meant archery and air guns.
Yes.
No doubt, your knowledge in a specialist field will be of great use to us.
– Will you sign there? – Oh, I'd love to! – Is that all? – For the moment.
Don't I get a receipt? This is a fighting unit, not a dry cleaner's! Wait outside.
Do that, would you, please? I'm sorry.
Right turn.
Quick march.
And just veer round to the right if you would.
Evening, gents.
– Name? – My card.
''Joe Walker, wholesale supplier.
'' I suppose you won't be with us very long.
You'll be called up any day.
No, guv.
I'm what's–its–name Reserved occupation.
– How do you make that out? – I supply Central Supplies.
Any previous military experience? I've got a girlfriend in the ATS.
By the way, any time you gents require anything, just give us a tip.
Thank you very much.
– Right turn.
Quick march.
– Pardon? Right turn.
Quick march.
– Well, you might wait for the ink to dry.
– Clear off.
Left, right, left, right Left, right, left, right.
Halt! Stand at ease.
Evening, Mr Mainwaring.
– Evening, Mr Wilson.
You know me.
– It's Mr Jones, the butcher.
Don't you think Mr Jones is a little too old, sir? Who are you calling old? You give me a chance to get to those Jerry parachutists.
I'll soon sort 'em out! – See, Wilson? It's keenness that counts.
– I'm as keen as mustard! – Have you any military experience? – I signed on as a drummer boy in 1884.
Later, I saw service in the Sudan – fought the fuzzy–wuzzies.
They were the boys.
They'd come at you with a great long knife and zip you right open! They'd soon find out if you'd got any guts or not! Them fuzzy–wuzzies was the only ones that could break the British square.
Those Jerrys couldn't break the skin off a rice pudding.
They don't like the cold steel.
– They don't like it up 'em.
They don't – Get him a chair.
Do sit down.
Don't overexcite yourself.
Thank you, sir.
I'm not as young as I was, sir.
But that's not going to stop me being in there with the cold steel, sir! I think you've made your point.
– Just sign that, would you? – Certainly, sir.
Thank you, sir.
When did you leave the army? I couldn't quite make the focus, sir.
Presumably, that's why you've signed the table.
I beg your pardon, sir.
Thank you, Mr Jones.
Oh, sir There's, um There's a couple of pounds of steak.
Compliments of the house.
– By the way, sir, what about my stripe? – Your stripe? I was a Lance Corporal for 14 years.
Can I keep it? – No, I'm afraid you can't.
– Then I'll keep the steak.
Let's not be too hasty about this.
– We shall be needing NCOs.
– Yes.
Mr Jones's military experience could stand us in very good steakstead.
Yes.
Right.
That's allLance Corporal Jones.
Thank you, sir.
You're a gentleman.
Well, T.
T.
F.
N.
About turn! Left, right, left, right – Can I do you now, sir? – Very funny, Jones.
Awfully good.
We'll share this later, shall we? – Who's in charge here? – I am.
Why? Get this hall cleared out at once.
Get these blokes out of here! Don't you realise that history's taking place in there? – An ARP lecture is taking place in this hall.
– If you're not very careful, – I shall requisition it for military purposes.
– It's been requisitioned for my purposes.
– Get this lot out! – Are you asking the army to retreat? Why not? You've had plenty of practice lately.
Now, look, we don't want to get excited.
I've got my job to do and you've got yours.
You can stay in this office, but get this other lot out – quick sharp! Gorblimey! – We've only enrolled four.
– We'll dispense with the formalities.
Get them all in here.
Come on.
Inside here.
Come along.
Gather round.
Quickly, please.
Are we all in? Now, men, you've answered your country's call today.
We're here to defend our homes and loved ones.
I know that you will not shirk that duty.
We've no guns, we are naked, but we have one invaluable weapon – ingenuity and improvisation.
That's two.
I want you to go to your homes, gather what weapons you can and come back here in an hour's time.
From tonight, whatever the odds, we Englishmen we British we here are going to be able to say, ''Come on, Jerry, we're waiting for you!'' Don't forget your gas masks.
That's all.
That was really very nice.
Squad, attention! Try and get it right.
Squad, stand at ease.
Attention.
The men are all ready for your inspection.
Very smart, Corporal.
What's that supposed to be, boy? You told me to tie a knife to a broom handle.
– Not with the brush on! – You should have said! This is insubordination.
– Take his name.
– Name? You should know it by now.
You've been my mum's friend since before I was born.
Well, see it doesn't happen again.
Where did you get that gun? – The gun, where did you get it? – It belongs to my friend.
I see.
– He's got a frienda gun.
– I can see that, sir.
Yes.
Well, I'm the officer, you're the sergeant.
We ought to have that.
Go and ask him for it.
– Won't it have more authority coming from you? – No.
Right.
Er Excuse me.
– Mr Mainwaring would like to have your rifle.
– Who? – Captain Mainwaring.
– Well, he can't.
– Hand over that gun at once.
– I don't see why I should.
Are you refusing to obey an order on active service? We could have you shot for this.
That'll be tricky since he's the only one with a gun.
– Permission to speak, sir.
– Permission granted, Corporal.
Why don't we take it in turns to have the gun, sir? What an excellent idea.
Draw up a rota.
– Put my name at the top.
– Well done.
– That's a formidable–looking weapon.
– Aye, I'll pull 'im in and then give 'im that.
You needn't have bothered to dress.
It's my wife's birthday.
We're going out for a little dinner celebration.
Will you be long? That depends on Jerry.
Don't let us interfere with your social arrangements.
It's all right.
I would have asked you, too, only we haven't really been introduced, have we? – No, we haven't.
– May I introduce Captain Mainwaring? – I'm afraid I didn't quite catch your name.
– Wilson! – What do you think you're doing? – I just thought he might ask me, too.
You've got your wife a nice present, I suppose? I haven't had time.
– Cop hold of that, Taffy.
– Taffy?! Anything there you fancy? – I say! – There's a nice little thing.
waterproof, shockproof.
Ten quid and it's yours.
That's extraordinarily generous.
Thank you very much indeed.
Could I interest you in anything? I thought not.
Squad, stand at ease.
Splendid turnout, men.
Splendid.
If in one hour, we can achieve this formidable fighting potential, think what we could do with a week's training.
I've got some good news.
GHQ are rushing our weapons and uniforms down here at once.
Meanwhile, time is not on our side.
The enemy may strike tonight, so we must learn how to deal with him.
– Squat down on the floor.
– At the double! How can they squat at the double? Now, Sergeant Wilson has very kindly drawn this representation of a German tank for us, and I want you to observe the following points.
Heavy armour, usually four–inch plating, heavy machine guns here and here, light machine guns here, here and here.
High–pressure flame thrower in the front.
And I'm told on very good authority, two hand–grenade throwers.
A very formidable opponent indeed, but we're going to tackle it.
The question is, how? How about some sugar, sir? Sugar? How would you use it? You stick it in the petrol tank and the engine fizzles out.
That sounds a very good idea, doesn't it? Shall I apply for an extra sugar ration, sir? – Yes, if it doesn't work, we'll put it in our tea.
– How about some spuds? – Spuds? – You stuff one up the exhaust pipe.
That fails the gases from coming out the engine, and the engine stops.
I see.
Unfortunately, these Nazi tanks are equipped with very long, thin exhaust outlets.
Well, we could use long, thin spuds.
– Charlotte's Beauty.
They're long and thin.
– King Edwards! – Shall I order more potatoes? – Yes, do that.
If that doesn't work, can we have some chips? Your suggestions have stimulated a very lively discussion, but I think we'll concentrate on my methods.
Here are the weapons – blanket, tin of petrol, crowbar, petrol bombs and a box of matches.
Nowthis is the procedure.
First of all, we take cover, concealing ourselves from the tank.
Hear, hear! We hear the tank coming, and as it draws level, the first man soaks the blanket in petrol and rushes towards the tank.
We need a tough commando–like boy for this.
Pike.
You.
The second man will light the matches, rush to the blanket and set fire to it.
– Please, sir.
Can I volunteer for that, sir? – Very well, Corporal.
Do you think that's wise? All clear so far? Frazer, you will prise open the lid of the tank with the crowbar.
Walker will have a bomb in each hand, which will be ignited by Corporal Jones and pushed into the aperture.
Any questions? Yes, sir.
What are you going to be doing? I shall be observing from behind cover and deciding whether to send in a second wave.
Now, you must understand that the most important part of the whole operation is the decoy.
It is essential that one man draws the attention and the fire of the tank gunners to him and away from us.
You'd better be the decoy.
Bracewell – you, you.
Right, let's try it.
Come and get your weapons.
Right.
Decoy, you work over here in this corner.
That's it.
There we are.
Godfrey, you're in charge of the tank over at the other end of the hall.
Sergeant Wilson will blow a whistle when we're ready to go.
– Can I put the petrol on the blanket now? – Of course not.
This is a dummy run.
Stand by.
Off you go.
– I say Um – That's no good! Make them angry.
Draw their fire.
Do it again.
I say, you Fascist beasts! – Where's the blanket?! – Sorry, sir.
I didn't hear 'em coming.
Start again.
And this time, make a noise like a tank.
Stand by.
I say, you Fascist beasts! Blanket! – Set fire to it, Corporal.
Come on! – I can't get the matches to light, sir.
Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Start again.
Start again.
Here we are, sir.
Pike, take charge of the matches this time.
– I'll have the blanket, sir.
– All right, Corporal.
Going now, sir! – Pike, light the match! – Frank! – It's your bedtime! – I can't come now, Mum.
– I'm blowing up a tank.
– You'll have to blow it up tomorrow.
Arthur, I'm surprised at you.
You know what time he goes to bed.
– Go along, Frank.
– Oh, Mum! – Will you be round later for your usual? – Mavis! Yes, later.
All right, fall in, Patrol.
– Lorry from GHQ, sir.
– 0ur weapons and uniforms have arrived.
– Captain Mainwaring, sir.
– Yes, come on.
– Sign there, sir.
– Fall the men in outside to help unload.
That won't be necessary, sir.
Here are your uniforms and your weapons.
Thank you, sir.
Good Lord, it's pepper! ''Enemy – for throwing in the face of.
'' Five feet.
Well, perhaps not quite what we'd expected, but every weapon in our armoury is another nail in the enemy's coffin.
Hand out the arm bands, Corporal.
Sergeant, dish out the pepper.
– Take one of these.
– Thank you, Sarge.
Take it with you wherever you go.
If you see a parachutist, let him have it.
– That and the cold steel, sir! – That's the spirit, Corporal.
We're making progress.
A short time ago, we were just an undisciplined mob.
Now we can deal with tanks, we can kill with our pikes, we can make 'em all sneeze with our pepper.
And, after all, even the Hun is a very poor fighter with his head buried in a handkerchief.
But remember, men, we have one invaluable weapon on our side – we have an unbreakable spirit to win.
A bulldog tenacity that will help us to hang on while there's breath left in our bodies.
You don't get that with Gestapos and jackboots.
You get that by being British.
So come on, Adolf.
We're ready for you! HURRAY!