Dad's Army (1968) s05e13 Episode Script

Who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk we're on the run? We are the boys who wIll stop your lIttle game We are the boys who wIll make you thInk agaIn 'Cause who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk old England's done? Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.
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2 1 But he comes home each evenIng and he's ready wIth hIs gun So who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk old England's done? -Good morning, Mr Mainwaring.
-Good morning.
-Good morning, Miss Fortescue.
-Nice to see you.
Can we have the usual, please? Two cups of coffee and some Rich Tea biscuits.
The ration's been cut again.
I'm afraid I can only let you have one-and-a-half biscuits each.
Still, I'll let you have an extra lump of sugar to make up for it.
How very kind of you.
Thank you so much.
It is nice of you.
We do our best to keep up morale.
WILSON: Yes, I'm sure you do.
Thank you so much.
-I look forward to my morning coffee, don't you? -Oh, yes, yes, yes.
A little oasis in the turmoil of strife.
When you look round an English setting like this, it's hard to believe there's a war on, isn't it? Yes.
So did you, did you really have to bring that great, big gun with you? -''That great, big gun''? -Yeah.
You talk like a nancy-boy.
That .
38 has never left my sight, day or night, since the moment it was issued.
-I take it with me everywhere.
Everywhere.
-Oh, how very inconvenient.
I mean, doesn't it get a bit wet sometimes when you take a bath? That's just the sort of flippant remark I'd expect from you, Wilson.
Laugh the other side of your face if a Nazi paratrooper came through that door, wouldn't you? What would you do then? Say, ''Oh, I must go back to the bank for my rifle''? -Morning, all.
-Morning.
-Have you.
You seen young Charlie? -Who's young Charlie? The fellow that helps me, you know? I had arranged to meet him here.
-No, we haven't seen anybody, have we, sir? -No.
Here, Captain Mainwaring.
-Will you do me a favour? -What is it? Will you nip outside into the street, and watch out in case a copper comes by? Yeah.
I beg your pardon? Well, I've got some things outside for Miss Fortescue.
-They're in the car and I wanna bring them in.
-How dare you? You expect me, the manager of Martin's Bank, to act as a look-out tout? Well, please yourself.
I'll have to sneak them in the back way then.
Now, look.
Once and for all, Walker, I want nothing to do with your black market activities.
All right.
I'll cancel that order of yours for whisky.
-Not for me, of course.
-Oh, no, no, no.
-My wife.
-Yes, of course, yes.
-Medicinal, of course.
Purely medicinal.
-Yes, I quite understand, sir.
Of course I do, yes.
-Well, here we are.
-Oh, thank you so much.
-Two coffees.
-Oh, how lovely.
-And three Rich Tea biscuits.
-Good.
Thank you so much.
-Thank you, very much.
-Thank you.
Thank you.
How nice.
No, I've.
I've no time for this black market stuff, you know.
-I believe in fair shares for all.
-Yes, I quite agree with you, sir.
So do I.
Come on, Mr Mainwaring.
Better get there quickly.
Here's your rifle, Uncle Arthur.
Come on chop-chop.
-Sharp's the word, quick's the action.
-Just a minute, just a minute.
-What's all this about? -Had a phone call from the police.
-Have they arrested Walker? -No, not yet.
A Nazi pilot has bailed out and he's hanging from the Town Hall roof.
-Come on, quick.
-What? Don't panic, don't panic.
There's a Nazi paratrooper dangling from the clock tower of the Town Hall.
-Yes, yes.
We know.
-He's dangling, he's dangling.
We know.
We're just going.
-I'll get my rifle and my bayonet, sir.
-You don't need your bayonet.
Yes, I do.
When he comes down, they don't like it up 'em.
All right, all right, all right.
Go on, go on.
Mind your backs, please.
I decided to risk it.
-Where's your rifle? -Out in the car, why? Well, go and get it.
We've got to go round to the Town Hall.
-What do you want to do? Shoot the mayor? -Just do as you're told.
Get the rifle.
We'll pick Frazer up on the way.
I'm coming.
Stand back, now.
Come on, stand back.
Come on, do as you're told.
Come on, get them back.
Come on, get them back here.
Get them back.
Come on, now.
Stand back.
Come on, now.
Stand back.
Do as you're told.
Now, come on.
Look, will you stand back? This isn't a sideshow.
Look, will you stand back? There's nothing to see.
What are you making all this fuss about? It's only a German hanging from a parachute.
HIefeI HIefeI Will you stand back? If them ropes break, he can fall straight down on top of us.
-Could be a very nasty mess.
-Them ropes won't break.
They make very strong ropes, them Germans do.
They make a lot of other things, too, them Germans.
They make binoculars and cameras and telescopes, and bicycles, air guns, sewing machines.
They make a very good sewing machine, them Germans.
Oh, shut up, you silly old fool.
MAINWARING: Excuse me, thank you very much.
Can I get in through here, please? Sorry.
Excuse me.
Thank you.
Here come our brave lads.
Give them a cheer.
Coming through please.
Excuse me.
Just a minute.
Who do you think you're shoving, Napoleon? This is an ARP matter and I'm in charge.
I have no wish to discuss anything with you at any time.
Look, I've got a position of authority in this town and I will not have it undermined.
How dare you show me up in front of the town's people? This white helmet means something, you know.
We know it does.
It means you're very boring.
Now, get out of the way.
I say, look he's dangling.
How are we gonna un-dangle him? Yes, he's right.
How are we gonna get him down, sir? We'll think of something.
I don't think he's in a position to do us much trouble, sir.
Don't you believe it, Frazer.
A wounded jackal is most dangerous when he's cornered.
Come on, men.
Captain Mainwaring has got no respect for my white helmet whatsoever.
Them Germans make very good helmets, you know? Very good boots, too.
Wait for me! Thank goodness you've come, Captain Mainwaring.
You've got to get him down.
Well, we'll do our best, Mr Gordon.
As Town Clerk, I am responsible for the Town Hall and I cannot have a German pilot dangling from the roof.
-I mean, what will the town council say? -Quite.
-Now, how do we get up to the clock tower? -I'll show you.
MAINWARING: Thank you.
-Right.
This way, then.
-Thank you.
-That's the way up to the clock tower.
-Oh, I see.
Yes.
-But it's not very safe.
-Oh.
-Why is that? -Do you not remember, Captain Mainwaring? The staircase was burned down by a fire bomb last year.
They've rigged up some scaffolding, and some builders' ladders up there, sir, but the Town Clerk's quite right.
It doesn't look at all safe to me.
Where've you been, Mr Godfrey? I was in Timothy White's when I heard the commotion.
Can I be of any assistance, sir? I doubt it, Godfrey.
What you got there, Mr Godfrey? Oh, it's my sister Dolly's rubber air cushion.
I took it to be mended.
-Couldn't they wrap it up for you in the shop? -No.
Well, that's a disgrace.
You shouldn't be out walking about the town with that like that without being wrapped up.
They don't wrap things these days.
It must be the war, you know.
So many of our things have gone by the board.
Yes, I know that.
You're quite right there.
Could've put a bit of paper around it, couldn't they? -It's an absolute disgrace, look at that.
-Jones.
They could have put some paper around that, couldn't they? Look at it.
-You'd thought they'd have wrapped it up.
-Mr Mainwaring.
All right.
May I remind you that there's a German dangling from the Town Hall roof.
I'm well aware of that, Mr Town Clerk, and we're going up that ladder whether it's safe or not.
-Why bother to go up at all? -What do you mean? You could put Mr Godfrey's rubber ring at the bottom of the tower, and it might break his fall.
Any more remarks like that and you'll leave the Town Hall.
Permission to speak, sir? I'd like to volunteer to shin up that ladder.
Let me shin up that ladder, sir.
I think really, you know, that Frank ought to go up there first.
-After all, he is the youngest.
-Oh, no.
No, that's not fair, Uncle Arthur.
You know I can't stand heights.
I'm a martyr to vertigo.
-Well, I'm going up that ladder.
-No, sir, I will not let you sacrifice yourself.
HIefeI HeIfeI HeIfeI All right.
I can hear you, I can hear you.
I can hear you.
-I'm coming.
-HeIfeI Yes, all right, all right.
-BItte, meIn Herr.
BItte, bItte.
-It's no good trying to apologise.
Now, then.
Handy-hock! Handy-hock! Put your hands up.
-HIefeI -Yes, I'll help.
I'll get you out of here, don't worry.
Now, you stay there.
Don't you move, we'll get you out of here.
Schnell, schnellI Don't worry about the smell.
That's got nothing to do with it.
Come on, now, Mr Mainwaring.
Down the steps here.
He's still here now, sir.
Now what are we gonna do? -Well you cover him and I'll parley with him.
-Right, sir.
Right, sir.
Now, then, you pay attention.
My Captain's going to parley you.
Further resistance is useless.
In the name of the King -I demand that you surrender.
-WILSON: Oh, dear.
It's not easy, is it, sir? How is he? Well, if this is an example of a crack Luftwaffe pilot, I don't think much of him.
It's like something the cat dragged in.
Not at all smart.
Not like our own brave RAF boys.
No, no.
But I wonder how you'd feel if you were dangling Don't let us have any of that sort of talk, Wilson.
The man's in a blue funk.
You can see that.
Pull yourself together.
Ich kann nIcht verstehen.
Doesn't even understand English, you see.
What's German for ''Pull yourself together''? -I've no idea, sir.
-Gosh, Joe.
The man's in a terrible state.
Enemy or no, you can't help feeling sorry for him.
-Blimey, he looks awful.
-Well, how are we gonna get him in, sir? -What we need is a stick or a pole or something.
-Yeah.
Hang on.
I've got an idea, Captain Mainwaring.
If we take that minute hand off that clock, we might be able to get him.
That should do the trick.
That's a good idea, Walker.
See if you can reach it.
Give him a hand, Jones.
Just a minute, sir.
Just a minute.
This is vandalism.
You can't desecrate the Town Hall clock just like that.
Why not? It doesn't work.
It's been stopped at ten past three since 1 939.
Well, don't forget.
-Don't forget it's a German clock.
-What's that? Look, see, on the dial.
Herman Holst, Munich.
That settles it.
Get that hand off at once.
That used to be very pretty.
That used to play nursery rhymes every quarter of an hour.
And figures used to come out and come round.
-That was very good, that was.
-Typical German.
It's no good, I can't reach it.
-WILSON: Where have you been, then, Frank? -Sorry, Uncle Arthur.
I had to come up slowly 'cause the ladders wobbled.
Oh, I see, yes, yes, yes.
-Is he still out there? -Yes, he is.
Yes, yes.
Is he fighting you, Mr Mainwaring? Of course he isn't fighting me, you stupid boy.
There's nothing up here to bring him in with.
It's no good.
I just can't reach it.
Watch it, Joe.
Try and lean in for him.
Steady, son.
Hang on, hang on, hang on.
I'm not a giraffe, you know.
I mean, if only he could swing himself.
Ah, yes.
That's a good idea.
Swing yourself in here.
Swing.
-What's the German for ''swing''? -I've really no idea, sir.
You are not contributing very much to this operation, are you? -Possibly not.
-Try and take an interest.
Hey, Fritz.
Swing.
Swing, you know, ha-cha-cha.
GERMAN: ''Ha-cha-cha''? Try him with a bit of In the Mood, Joe.
-He might understand that.
-Right.
I'm Mr What-you-call-It what you doIng tonIght? Hope you're In the mood because I'm feelIng all rIght PIKE: Swing! Swing! -Oh, he's crying, Mr Mainwaring.
-Well, I'm not surprised after that terrible row.
He's an idiot, obviously.
He doesn't seem to understand anything at all.
Why don't we try something classical? Perhaps something in German.
Good idea.
What about Offenbach's The Tales of Hoffman? That's right.
The Barcarolle has a lovely swing to it.
Just a minute.
I'm not having my platoon singing German songs.
But, sir, don't forget, we've got to get the man in somehow.
Ready? All together.
(HUMMING) Swing! Mr Mainwaring, there's a pole here.
If I could cut it free, we should be able to use this pole.
All right, all right, all right.
All right, all right.
That's not getting us anywhere at all.
Must get a pole from somewhere.
-I've got a pole here, Mr Mainwaring.
-Give it to me.
No, don't take that out! No, don't you.
It's coming.
Oh, dear.
It's all broken.
Vandals! Hooligans! It took me and my men two days to rig those ladders.
How are they going to get down now? I don't know and I don't care.
As far as I am concerned they can stay up there forever and starve.
-Ruining my ladders! -I don't think they meant to.
''Don't think they meant to''? You know what I'm gonna do now? I'm going out on the street and I'm going to give Mainwaring a piece of my mind.
-He won't hear you up there.
-Oh, yes, he will.
Because I'm gonna shout loud.
And when I wanna shout loud, I can shout very loud indeed! Don't say anything you'll regret afterwards.
You silly old fool! We'll never get down now.
We're marooned.
Marooned.
Mr Mainwaring, I want to say how sorry I am and to make up for it, I'm going to do everything you tell me to do, no matter how dangerous it is.
And I'll make any sacrifice in order to regurgitate myself.
HIefeI HIefeI HIefeI Well, we'll work out a way of getting down there later.
In the meantime, let's get that German in.
I'm sick of him hanging out there whining.
Very good, sir.
Right, sir.
I've had enough of you, Mainwaring.
I hope you stay up there forever, so I can enjoy this war in peace.
Because I do enjoy this war.
In fact, I've never enjoyed anything so much in all my life as being Chief Warden.
I love it.
And you, you always spoil it.
He'll never be able to hear you from up there.
You need a megaphone.
Them Germans make very good megaphones.
Loudspeakers and radios and gramophones.
They make a very good gramophone, them Germans.
Oh, shut up, you silly old fool.
How dare you speak to that old gentleman like that? You're a very common, rude and nasty fellow.
-Now, don't you start.
-Hello, Mr Hodges.
Oh, look, Your Reverence.
He hasn't fallen yet.
We're not too late.
We haven't missed anything.
-Now all together.
Pull! -Pass aufI Hang on, hang on, Captain Mainwaring.
You'll break the man's leg.
Oh, I can't help that.
He shouldn't have come here in the first place.
I've got him.
LangsamI LangsamI Excuse me, sir.
Just a minute, sir.
You'll never get him in like this.
-You'll have to release him from the parachute.
-How do we do that? PIKE: I know, Mr Mainwaring.
Look.
-See that buckle there? -Yeah.
You give it a quarter turn to the left and you hit it.
I saw them do it in a film.
One of our AIrcraft Is MIssIng - Googie Withers was in it.
-Googie Withers! -All right, all right.
Never mind now.
Permission to speak, sir.
I should like to turn the German to the left and punch him, sir.
-Let me do it.
Let me do it, sir.
-Oh, get on with it.
It won't open, sir.
-Try it again, Jonesy.
-Yeah, right.
-NeIn.
-You got to be cruel to be kind.
Excuse me, sir, you see a quarter turn to the left, you see, is on British parachutes, you see.
They have a left-hand thread on the Continent, you see.
-Oh, typical foreigner.
Turn it to the right.
-Right, sir.
Right, sir.
NeInI NeInI Look, Your Reverence.
Jones is hitting the German.
-Where? I can't see.
-There, right across the gargoyles.
-That's not in the Geneva Convention.
-No, but he's very near it.
Here come some more of them brave lads.
Give them a cheer.
What's happening here, Mr Godfrey? Captain Mainwaring is marooned on top of the tower.
Better think about getting him down.
What do you suggest, Mr Hodges? I'm not going to help you.
I refuse to even discuss it with you.
I think I know how to get them down, my good man.
How're you going to do that, Vicar? By exercising my little skill.
Come along, Mr Yeatman.
Come and help me carry my paraphernalia.
Very well, Your Reverence.
Gott sIe Dank.
Gott sIe Dank.
VIelen Dank.
VIelen Dank, meIn Herr.
Oh, don't let us have any of those foreign tricks.
Go stand over in the corner there.
Keep him covered, Jones.
Go on, then, Fritz.
Go on.
Now, watch it, watch it.
Just 'cause I haven't got a bayonet doesn't make any difference, you know.
Now, I'm going to -I'm going to drop this note -Oh, yes.
-over the side.
-Mm-hmm.
I see.
It won't go straight down, you know.
You realise that, don't you? It won't go straight down.
It's bound to flutter for miles.
Well done, Wilson.
Just testing you.
Mr Mainwaring, give it to me.
This will do the trick.
Madman! That could've killed me! There's a message in it.
Right.
Now I'll send him a message.
-You could have killed somebody doing that, Pike.
-I was only using my initiative.
It seems that Hodges is down there.
Can you see? -Chalking a reply on the pavement.
-What did your message say, sir? ''How are we going to get down?'' What does his message say? ''How are you going to get down?'' Madman! What message was in that, Pike? -None at all.
I was just trying to hit the Warden.
-Good.
It's obvious we're not going to get any help from that quarter, so we must use our initiative, and and work out our own salvation.
-Captain Mainwaring.
-Yeah? Why not have each of us in turn suggest a way of getting down, then you can pick the best, eh? Well, worth a try, I suppose.
Better than nothing.
-Mr Mainwaring.
-Yes? If we could unhook the parachute, one of us could float down.
-Permission to speak, sir.
-Yeah.
JONES: Now, I'd like to.
Oh, dear.
If we took the.
Pull the parachute in and we can tear it into little strips and then we can plait it and plait it and plait it, make a long rope, then we could slide down it, one at a time.
-What are you sniggering at, Wilson? -Well, sounds to me like a bit of a platitude.
-Captain Mainwaring.
-Yes? I mind the time, many, many years ago, on the furthest point of the Western Isles, two brave lighthouse keepers were marooned.
Their stair had collapsed, and they were cut off just like us.
Well, they were up there for two long months.
And in the end, they decided there was only one way to get down.
And what was that? To dismantle the lighthouse brick by brick.
I don't think that's a very sensible suggestion, Frazer.
Well, maybe not.
But, you see, sir, don't forget, they'd been up there for so long that, well, they'd both gone quite mad.
You hear what I said, Captain Mainwaring? Mad.
Mad.
Mad.
It's your turn now, Wilson.
Well, I can't help remembering a fairy story that my dear old nanny used to tell me.
It's about.
Yes, it's about.
It's about a beautiful princess who's locked at the top of a high tower, and she was rescued by a very handsome prince.
-And do you know how he did it? -I've no idea.
Well, he shot an arrow right to the top of the tower.
And attached to the arrow was a piece of twine, and attached to the twine was a piece of thread, and attached to the thread was a rope.
And she pulled them all up, and the handsome prince was able to climb upstairs and rescue her.
There you are.
Wasn't that nice? I don't think I can take much more of this.
It's like a bad dream.
Walker, and say something sensible, for heaven's sake.
-All right, then.
Why don't we use this rope here? -What rope? This rope here.
You see, it's got a weight on the end.
Now, if we wind it up, and then put it down the trap there and then wind it down, -we can climb down it.
-Well done, Walker.
I saw this rope some time ago.
I was just wondering which of you would spot it first.
-Right, wind it up.
Come and help him, Pike.
-Oh, yes, Mr Mainwaring.
-Blimey, it ain't half stiff, Joe.
-Yeah, it certainly is.
Oh, blimey.
No wonder, there's some sort of brake.
-Here, Jonesy.
Knock that brake off, will you? -Oh, yes, right.
Righty-ho.
-Give me your hand.
Up there.
-I'll be all right.
I'll be all right.
-Careful.
-That's all right.
I can manage it all right.
Now we're getting somewhere.
-Yeah.
-That's it.
(BELL CLANGING) Muffle that bell, Pike! The people will think it's an invasion.
Yes, sir.
(BELLS CHIMING) Oh, don't panic.
Jonesy! Jonesy! -I'm going out! I'm going out! -Hold on! -Careful, sir.
-Hang on, Jonesy.
-Don't look down.
-It stopped.
-It's not supposed to do that, is it? -Well, of course it shouldn't do that.
It's supposed to go right round again and in through the other doors, you see.
Careful now.
What am I going to do? Well, you'll have to stay there for the next quarter of an hour till it chimes again.
Well, I can't do that.
It's a bit nefarious up here.
-Jonesy, Jonesy.
-What? Get hold of that minute hand.
Put it round to quarter of an hour.
-And that should set it going again.
-Yeah, right.
Now, careful, Jonesy.
Now careful, for heaven's sake.
Careful, what you're doing.
For heaven's sake, Jonesy.
-I'm going to be careful.
-All right.
I'm going to be careful.
I'm going to be careful.
-WALKER: You got it? -Yeah.
FRAZER: Steady now.
JONES: It's a bit stiff.
Wait a minute.
-It's a bit stiff.
-Hurry up, hurry up, Jonesy.
-Push it, shove it.
-I got it.
I'm being as quick as I can, ain't I? Grab him, for heaven's sake.
-I've done it.
I've done it.
-Well done, Jonesy, well done.
(BELL CLANGING) FRAZER: No! MAINWARING: The bell.
Pike.
You've ruined it.
That hat cost me eight and six in 1 91 1 .
Then it's time you had a new one.
-You should be coming in now, Jonesy.
-All right, Jonesy.
Come on.
FRAZER: It's but a wee fellow.
(JONES YELPING) Don't make such a fuss, it's only a wooden sword.
I do not like it.
I don't like it.
Come on, Jonesy.
Back you come.
Come on.
-Mind your head.
Mind your head, Jonesy.
-Right, right, right.
MAINWARING: Right.
Get him off.
Get him off quickly.
All right, Mr Jones? (CREAKING) (BELL CLANGING) Pike, do the necessary.
(BELLS CHIMING) Now, be careful, Jonesy.
For heaven's sake, don't get carried away again.
Don't you worry.
Once bitten, twice shy.
I'm not making the same mistake twice.
Look, he's coming out! Oh, look at that.
There used to be three of them.
JONES: It's the reaper! The reaper! Help! -It's the reaper! -Jonesy! I've been reaped.
I've been reaped, sir.
What should I do, sir? MAINWARING: You'll have to stay up there till they start going back.
-I can't stay up here, sir.
-I think they're coming back now, sir.
Come inside and don't go out there again.
I didn't do it on purpose, sir.
They made me, they made me.
Oh, pull yourself together.
Now, the next two minutes, I want to.
I want some sensible suggestions of how do we get down there.
And they'd better be better than the last ones.
And as for you, Wilson, yours was the stupidest suggestion of them all.
Was it really? Look at that, sir.
Good heavens.
Arrow? Good Lord, what's this? Good heavens.
''Attached to the arrow is a length of silken thread.
''Attached to the thread is ais a twine, ''and attached to the twine is a rope.
'' Well, well, well.
Now, isn't that nice? That was very clever, Vicar.
However did you think of that? Just an old fairy story my nanny used to tell me.
Yes, I've heard you're an expert on fairies.