Dad's Army (1968) s06e06 Episode Script

Who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk we're on the run? We are the boys who wIll stop your lIttle game We are the boys who wIll make you thInk agaIn 'Cause who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk old England's done? Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.
.
2 1 But he comes home each evenIng and he's ready wIth hIs gun So who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk old England's done? (Menacing instrumental music) (Thunder rumbling) -Where are we, Wilson? -Well, according to my calculations, we ought to be opposite Jones' butcher shop in the high street.
-You mean you're lost? -What? I'm not the only one who's lost, I think we all are.
-How much petrol have we got left, Jones? -About half a gallon, sir.
-Half a Sponge! -Yes, Captain Mainwaring? -Did you fill this tank yesterday? -I didn't have any coupons.
But Walker was supposed to be supplying the coupons.
Ah, he couldn't get the ink dry in time.
-Take your seat, Sponge.
-Right, sir.
Walker! Walker! (Sneezing) That's a nasty cold you've got, Mr Mainwaring.
You should be in bed, you should.
Oh, never mind that.
The point is, we can't stay cooped up in this van all night.
We better get up to the house and find some help.
No, you can't go out in this pouring rain, you might catch pneumonia.
-Nonsense! Let me out.
-All right, sir.
No, no, no.
No! -What are you doing? -I must restrain you, sir.
I will not allow you to catch pneumonia.
-A drop of rain won't harm me! -Jones is right, Captain Mainwaring! I knew a fellow once, just your age and weight he was.
He had a slight head cold and got caught in the rain.
Five days later, I was screwing the handles on his coffin.
I know a way we can keep dry, Captain Mainwaring.
Hang on a minute.
Don't you worry, sir, I won't allow Frazer to screw the handles on your coffin.
Platoon, halt.
Well, there you are, sir.
There it is.
We're as dry as a bone.
Yes! Well done, Jones, Walker.
I'm very grateful that nobody got wet.
-Pike, ring the bell.
-Sir? -Ring the bell.
-Yes, Mr Mainwaring.
Don't play the fool, Pike.
You told me to ring the bell.
Now I'm soaking wet, look.
-Well, don't shake it all over me.
-No, don't shake it all over Mr Mainwaring! -Knock at the door, Wilson.
-Right, sir.
-Good Lord! The door's open, sir.
-Well, let's get in out of the pouring rain.
Well, we can't just go marching into a house without being invited.
Hello? Anybody about? Hello? Anyone there? -Wilson? -What? -Put the lights on.
-Right.
Well, they don't work, sir.
-Light those candles on the table, Sponge.
-Yes, Mr Mainwaring.
Now listen to me, everybody.
I want absolute silence so that I can hear anyone answer when I call.
All right? Hello! (Shivering) I said absolute silence, Pike.
Sorry, Mr Mainwaring, I'm -freezing.
-Excuse me, sir.
Don't you think that boy ought to get out of those wet clothes? What am I going to put on? I can't stand around naked, can I? Permission to speak, sir! Shh! (Mouthing) What did you say? Come down here, I can't hear a word you're saying.
Why doesn't he put one of those flag things on him? -A flag? -Yes.
That's a very good idea.
Go and get one down.
Give him a lift, Desmond, will you? All right, take your clothes off, boy.
-I don't like to.
-Look here now, Frank.
Now don't be stupid, Frank, just do as you're told, will you? All right.
Don't look.
Don't look! -Wilson? -Sir.
Wilson, I think that boy is going soft in the head.
All the mollycoddling that you do only makes it worse.
Well, you see, sir, I do feel rather responsible for him.
And if I don't look after him, well, you see, Mavis, sir, Mrs Pike, you know, goes around with such a miserable look on her face.
And, you know, I simply can't stand people looking miserable.
Captain Mainwaring! You don't feel there's a strange feeling about this place, sort of There's something amiss, sir! Something Something strangely amiss.
Stop rolling your eyes, Frazer, and pull yourself together.
There's a perfectly logical explanation for everything that's happened.
I feel stupid in this.
Personally, you know, I think you look rather nice.
Mr Mainwaring, I'm freezing to death.
I'm freezing.
For heaven's sake, will you stop whining, Pike? We just have to improvise something, that's all.
Ah, Wilson.
-Give me a hand with this rug.
-Oh, yes, of course.
-Put this over him.
-Come on.
-Here, put this over you.
-Thank you.
Don't be silly.
Just stand up straight.
Come along.
Let's explore this place.
-Mr Mainwaring? -Yes.
(Growling) Stupid boy.
This door's locked.
Let's try upstairs.
(Howling) Permission to whisper, sir.
-I think there's something horrible about.
-It's only a dog.
Come on, upstairs.
(Howling) That's no ordinary dog.
That's a hound.
A hound? (Dogs howling) A whole pack of them! A whole pack of them! Don't panic! -Jones! -Don't panic! All right, Jones, do be quiet.
Captain Mainwaring, sir, I think we ought to go back to the van.
I don't get on with dogs.
Even small ones, they upset me.
My sister Dolly had a Pekingese.
It used to jump up at me a lot.
In the end, I had to order it to leave.
(Clearing throat) These dogs are outside, they can't do any harm.
-Come on, upstairs.
-Come on.
Don't tread on my paws.
(Lightning cracking) (Dogs howling) Anybody there? The most extraordinary thing, Wilson.
This house appears to be empty.
There's a fire, sir.
Look there.
Whoever was here must have left very suddenly.
The fire is still burning.
Yes.
The question is, Captain Mainwaring, why did they leave? But, sir, it's It's kind of uncanny.
This old house, the fire still burning in the grate, nobody about, nothing except the wind and rain and those ghostly hounds, howling, howling, howling.
I told you to stop rolling your eyes, Frazer.
(Thunder rumbling) Ah! For heaven's sake, Pike! Just control yourself.
Sorry.
-Go and dry your clothes by the fire.
-Yes, Mr Mainwaring.
Now pay attention, everybody.
It's quite on the cards that this storm will go on for the rest of the night.
Now, we don't know where we are and we haven't any petrol.
So we just have to make the best of a bad job and settle down here for the night.
All right? I shall take this bed here.
The rest of you, make yourselves as comfortable as possible.
-Excuse me, sir.
-Yes.
-Where am I going to sleep? -In that bed there.
Where are the others going to sleep? -In that bed with you.
-What? Well, that's absurd! I think you're probably one of the most selfish men -I've ever met in my life.
-What? What gives you the right to think that you're entitled to a bed to yourself? -Well, I -Right, that's settled then, isn't it? The five of you will get into bed with Sergeant Wilson.
NCOs at the top, other ranks at the bottom.
And you other two can sleep on the settee.
-Oh, thank you, sir.
-All right.
Here we are.
Stop! Just a minute, sir.
-What are you doing? -Oh, sir.
I can't allow you to get in that bed, sir.
It's absolutely wringing damp.
-I will not allow you to catch pneumonia.
-Oh, nonsense.
Sit down, sir.
Sit down.
I'll warm you up, sir.
Here you are.
What are you going to do, Mr Jones? I'm going to do what the young serving wenches used to do when they warmed the master up.
I don't think Captain Mainwaring will want to cuddle you all night.
All right.
That'll do, Frazer.
Here we are.
You know, this is quite unnecessary.
You allow me to be the best judge of that, sir.
There we are.
All right, get into bed the rest of you.
-It's not fair -Pushed around from pillar to post.
I'm fed up with it.
What's all this muttering about, Sponge? You know how I hate muttering.
Well, sir, we don't see why we should sleep at the bottom of the bed.
-Why can't we toss for it? -Certainly not.
-Do as you're told and get into bed.
-Oh, blimey.
There you are, sir.
Look at all that steam arising, sir.
Just look at it.
I told you them sheets were damp, didn't I, sir? -Good heavens, you're right, yes.
-Just a minute! -That's not steam.
It's more like smoke to me.
-What? The bed's on fire.
-Get some water! -The bed's on fire! -The bed's on fire! -You fool! Look at the feathers! Pour it in.
-Get some more water.
-Right.
Of all the stupid, idiotic things to do.
Well, I'm sorry, sir.
I was just trying to, you know, warm you up, sir.
This bed's absolutely soaking wet now.
-Now where am I going to sleep? -In that bed.
Officers and NCOs at the top, other ranks at the bottom.
Got it, Mr Mainwaring.
-Frazer, shut that door.
-Right, sir.
PIKE: Got it! I'm all wet again, Mr Mainwaring! (Snoring) Uncle Arthur.
Uncle Arthur, wake up.
Oh! It's all right, Uncle Arthur, it's only me.
For heaven's sake, Frank, would you please go back to sleep? -Well, look.
-What? Can I please come into bed with you, please? You better ask Captain Mainwaring.
Jones, Mr Jones.
-It's the horrible hounds! -No.
-Horrible hounds! -It's all right, Mr Jones, it's only me.
It's only me.
Oh, Pikey, I thought my last days had come.
Would you ask Mr Mainwaring if I can get into bed, please? Yes, Pikey.
Mr Mainwaring, sir.
Yes! Five round rapid (Mumbling) Young Pikey wants to know, can he come into bed with us? Certainly not.
There's no room.
He says, ''Certainly not.
There's no room.
'' -He says, ''Certainly not.
There's no room.
'' -All right, I heard.
If it was up to me, I'd let you come in.
But, you see, he's the Isn't he? He's the officer.
-Will you come to the bathroom with me, please? -What? I've got to wash me hands and clean me teeth.
You know Mum won't let me go to bed -without washing hands and cleaning teeth.
-Oh, really, Frank, really.
No, no.
If you don't come, I'll tell Mum.
All right.
You know, you are an awful nuisance, you really are.
Well, come on, then.
-Mr Frazer.
-No, God! Godfrey.
What do you want, son? -I've got to go to the little boys room.
-I see.
Will you come with me? No.
Nothing would induce me to budge from this room.
There's too many unnatural causes.
It's the natural causes that worry me.
-Captain Mainwaring? -Yes, yes.
-Will you accompany me to the bathroom? -Certainly not.
Mr Jones.
(Yelling) Will you accompany me to the bathroom? Yes, yes, I'll accompany you to the bathroom, yes.
-Thank you, I'm most grateful to you.
-Yes.
If we meet one of them horrible hounds, I'll let him have it, right up.
Come on.
(Lightning cracking) (Door creaking) (Footsteps approaching) Uncle Arthur, wake up.
Wake up, Uncle Arthur, wake up! Frank, Frank, Frank, would you please go back to sleep? Uncle Arthur, there's someone coming up the stairs.
-What? -Listen.
(Footsteps) -You better wake up Captain Mainwaring.
-All right.
Whatever it is, it's coming towards this room.
I don't think it's one of the horrible hounds.
The footsteps is too heavy.
Shh, quiet.
Blow the candles out.
(Door creaking) (Upper class accent) I say! What are you doing in my bedroom? Well, you know, I must admit, -you really gave us quite a fright, you know.
-I'm awfully sorry about that.
But if the storm hadn't put the lights out of action, I wouldn't have been outside tinkering with the generator when you arrived.
So they were your dogs that we heard? Storm must've upset them.
-What do you use them for, sir? -Ah.
This is a dog training school.
We train tracker dogs for the war office.
I knew all along it was something of that description.
Things are a bit slack at the moment so I've given most of the rest of the staff weekend leave.
Oh, I see.
Frank, what on earth are you doing dressed like that? Some sort of joke, Pike? My uniform is still wet.
The Captain gave me this, thank you.
I'm afraid it's the only one we had.
It's an old German uniform we use for training.
I see.
Well, come on, we better go and get that petrol.
I'll come with you.
It's only about a mile if you cut across the field.
Oh, by the way, I'm awfully sorry, I haven't got a can.
But there are stacks of empty gin bottles in the yard.
Well, we shall need plenty.
We'll carry a gin bottle each.
Come on, chaps, a good brisk walk over the fields will do us a world of good.
All right, quiet, you lot! (Dogs barking) Settle down at once.
Quiet! Settle down! Well, you certainly seem to have them under control.
These are only half-trained war recruits.
The fully-trained batch left yesterday.
Not a bad bunch, really, except for that one! (Growling) Prince 4 39, he's a real troublemaker, upsets the others.
Yes, you, 4 39! Stand to attention when I'm talking to you.
Failed the course three times.
Had him on a charge twice.
If he fails this time, he'll be out on his ear.
You know how it is, you get one rotten apple in the barrel.
Oh, yes, yes, quite.
-Fall the men in, Sergeant.
-All right.
Excuse me, sir.
Do you want us to carry our gin bottles at the slope? -WILSON: Isn't it a lovely morning, sir? -Absolutely first class.
MAINWARING: What exactly are those dogs of yours for? They're trained to track down German parachutists.
-You must have quite a way with dogs.
-Not really, I'm scared stiff of them.
I've got nothing to do with the training, I just run the admin.
Open the gate, Walker.
(Dogs barking) Those dogs of yours have certainly got loud voices, sir.
Yes, carry for miles.
What happens when they track down a parachutist? They hold him till the troops arrive.
That's when they're fully-trained.
At the moment, they've only completed half the course.
-The tracking bit.
-What's the second half? The holding, that's the most difficult bit.
We have to train them not to tear the victim to pieces.
Captain Mainwaring, do you think we might stop a moment? Oh, really, Godfrey.
All right.
Section halt.
Fall out.
Silly old fool.
Sir, he shouldn't have come.
He'll never be able to keep up.
All right, all right.
(Dogs howling) -Captain Mainwaring? -Yes.
Those dogs are definitely getting louder.
I think Walker's right.
Quiet.
Quiet, everybody.
Let's listen.
They must've got out.
I bet it's that troublemaker, Prince.
-They won't come after us, will they? -I don't see why they Good Lord! The uniform the boy is wearing! It's covered in aniseed.
Aniseed? Get it off at once, Pike! I'm not going to take my clothes off.
-Get off! -Look, now, you're covered with stuff, Mainwaring.
-Well, can't you control the dogs? -Of course I can't.
The horrible hounds are after us! He cannot control the dogs! Don't panic! He cannot control the dogs! Control yourself.
-What are we going to do? -There's only one thing we can do.
-What? -Run.
Come on, keep up, Godfrey.
Here we go.
Sorry, Captain Mainwaring, I can't go another step.
What are we going to do, Captain Mainwaring? We can't leave poor old Mr Godfrey to get torn to pieces by those horrible hounds.
Hey! What about using those sheep things and dragging him along? Well done, Walker.
Sponge, Desmond, get one of those sheep things.
Come on.
All right, now hurry up with those boots.
Put them on the hurdle.
Aren't you going to get your boots off, sir? Certainly not.
I'm not getting my feet wet with this cold.
Quite right.
You don't want to catch pneumonia as well as getting torn to pieces.
Now, you can take me across on the hurdle.
Godfrey can walk that little bit.
Pike, you're going to cross the stream lower down.
-Why do I always have to be the one -Don't argue, just do as you're told, boy! You'll put the dogs off the scent.
Right.
Forward.
I'm all wet again, Mr Mainwaring! Stupid boy.
-Did we have to get all wet like this? -It was the only thing we could do.
Dogs can't follow a scent across water, any fool knows that.
-Eh, Captain? -Absolutely.
Believe me, Wilson, I'm a pretty shrewd judge in these matters.
(Dogs howling) Right, Godfrey, Wilson, in here.
The rest of you, get up the trees.
-Mr Mainwaring! -You can't come in.
Please open the door, Mr Mainwaring.
Open the door.
Hold on there, hold on.
Mr Mainwaring, please let me in, sir.
Let me in, sir.
There's no room in here, you'll have to climb up a tree.
I can't climb a tree at my time of life.
Quick, Jonesy, up here.
I can't climb trees, Joe.
(Yelling) You can now.
I thought so.
It's that troublemaker, Prince.
He's behind it all.
You've had your chips this time, 4 39.
I'll have you on a charge in the morning.
I'll have you on a fizzer.
You'll be out of this camp so fast your feet won't touch the ground.
-Are you there, Jones? -Yeah, I'm here, sir.
Well, I'm almost here.
Almost all of me.
I have to report I suffered damage in unknown parts.
Stay where you are, I'm going for help.
MAINWARING: Right, men, lift.
Do you think this is wise, sir? MAINWARING: Don't argue, Wilson.
Just keep walking.
Look where you're going, Wilson.
Captain Mainwaring, if the boy takes his clothes off and throws them to the dogs, that might keep them busy while we sneak away.
Good idea.
Pike, take off your clothes and throw them down to the dogs.
-No, I won't.
-Do as you're told or I'll put you on a charge.
Fed up.
I'm fed up! In the past 24 hours, I've been soaked to the skin three times, been scared out me wits, nearly torn to pieces, and now I got to walk around naked.
(Growling) Well, don't look.
Blimey, Joe, look.
Them dogs are tearing that uniform to pieces.
Yeah.
Good job Pikey wasn't in it.
Now I want you all to get down and walk away as calmly as possible.
You can come out now, Mr Mainwaring, it's all right.
(Rattling) It's stuck.
Give me a hand, Wilson.
WILSON: I'm pushing as hard as I can, sir.
FRAZER: Ah! That was my foot you stepped on! GODFREY: I'm very sorry, Captain Mainwaring, I get claustrophobia.
MAINWARING: This is no use, come on! Lift.
(All groaning) MAINWARING: Look, now, walk slowly and when I say run, run.
Right, run! FRAZER: Right on my foot.
MAINWARING: Frazer, what are you waiting for? Left, right, left.
Left, left.
Swing those arms, Pike.
Right, left.