Dad's Army (1968) s07e02 Episode Script

Who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk we're on the run? We are the boys who wIll stop your lIttle game We are the boys who wIll make you thInk agaIn 'Cause who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk old England's done? Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.
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2 1 But he comes home each evenIng and he's ready wIth hIs gun So who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk old England's done? I ain't half hungry, Mr Jones.
You're always hungry, you are, Pikey.
I'm just gonna finish this off and then we'll report back to church hall.
They're nice, pears, aren't they? Think we'll ever have any bananas again? Of course we will, when the war's over.
I used to love bananas and cream.
I used to mash them all up, lots of cream and sugar.
Then I'd take a great big mouthful and I'd squeeze it through the gaps in me teeth.
Do you like squeezing bananas and cream through the gaps in your teeth? No.
Don't mind blancmange.
What about jelly? Yes, jelly's all right.
But not bananas, not at my age.
Not with this upper set, it's too risky.
-What about chocolate cream? -Oh, lovely.
And talking of that, I'll tell you something.
Reminds me when I was in South Africa in the Boer War.
Christmas 1 900 it was.
And old Queen Victoria, she sent all of us lads a tin box with a slab of chocolate in it.
You know I never touched that chocolate for 25 years.
I kept it unopened for 25 years.
Right through the Boer War, right through the 1 91 4-1 8 lot, I never let it out of my sight till I went into hospital.
I gave it to a friend of mine, Charlie Higgins, to look after.
-Didn't you ever eat the chocolate? -No, not ever touched it for 25 years.
And then one day I said to myself, ''I fancy a bit of chocolate.
'' And I opened this tin and it was full of sand.
That Charlie Higgins had eaten it while I was in hospital.
-I got me revenge on him then.
-What did you do? Well, every year, when we had the old comrades association get-together I used to look Charlie Higgins full in the face and sing.
Comrades, comrades, ever sInce we were boys SharIng each other's sorrow SharIng each other's chocolate And he used to go all red in the face and look on the ground, he did.
Yes.
Wasn't much of a rhyme but it did the trick.
It's funny you should mention chocolate.
I remember, when I was a kid, I was out shopping with my mum, and we were passing this very spot.
And I said to her, ''Can I have a bar of chocolate?'' And she said no.
So you know what I did? I stuck me head through the bars in that gate and pretended I couldn't get it out.
-What did your mum do? -Oh, she got in a terrible state.
Said she was going to call the fire brigade.
Then I took me head out, and I didn't half laugh.
Then she hit me.
Well, kids are always doing that sort of thing, getting their heads stuck in park railings.
All I did was I said, ''Can I have a bar of chocolate?'' She said no, so I went over to the gate, and I stuck me head through, that's all.
Well, come on, Pikey, it's time to get back to the church hall, come on.
Mr Jones.
What's up? I can't get me head out.
Come on, no time to play funny jokes.
Mr Mainwaring will wonder where we got to.
I'm not playing a funny joke, Mr Jones.
I can't get it out, look! I can't get it out! Blimey.
Oh, don't do that! Don't! Please! I can't understand it.
It came out all right last time.
-Well, how old were you last time you done it? -1 2.
-Well, your head's grown bigger since then.
-Well, I didn't think heads Don't do that, Mr Jones, you're pulling me ears off! What are we going to do, Mr Jones? What are we going to do? -Well, twist it round and try.
Twist it round.
-Where? -Go on, twist it.
-I can't.
Go on, twist it round.
-Watch the spike! -Now, pull.
Not that way.
Get back here! -Oh, Mr Jones, what are we going to do? -Don't panic, Pikey, don't panic.
It'll be all right, don't panic.
I'll I'll, er, tell you what I'll do.
I'll telephone Mr Mainwaring on the telephone, and whatever you do, don't go away.
Don't move and don't panic.
Well, sir, all I can say is that I think you're making a big mistake.
-Oh, you do, do you? -Yes, I do.
I think you're asking for trouble.
I mean I can't understand why you agreed to do it in the first place.
Because I didn't want to offend the press.
When the editor of the Eastbourne Gazette telephoned me and said he wanted to do a feature article every week on the platoon, naturally, I jumped at the chance.
Yes, but if this reporter who is doing the articles is a temporary member of the platoon, I mean, that'll mean he'll be here, with us all the time.
Exactly, that's my idea.
I mean, if he's one of us, he'll be able to write the articles from first-hand knowledge, won't he? Yes, but don't you think that will be a little bit dangerous? -How do you mean, dangerous? -Well, I mean, if he's here all the time, how are you going to be able to cover up your, ermistakes? I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that remark, Wilson.
(Knocking on door) MAINWARING: Come in.
-Brought you some cocoas, sirs.
-Thank you.
-Thank you very much.
-Very hot.
Thank you, Frazer.
Thank you.
-Yonreporter fellow's outside.
-Oh, is he? Good.
Send him in, will you? Captain Mainwaring, I may have said some harsh things in the past, but I'd like to say, here and now, I admire your courage.
I don't quite understand, Frazer.
I think you're a very brave man to let that reporter fellow watch your every move.
You're either that -You're either very brave or else you're a -Or what? Nothing, sir, nothing at all.
Yes, sir, I admire you.
All the same, I cannae help thinking you're running a terrible risk.
That's all.
What do you suppose he meant by that? I've really no idea, sir.
(Knocking on door) MAINWARING: Come in.
-Mr Cheeseman of the Eastbourne Gazette, sir.
-Yes.
Come in.
Good day to you, Captain Mainwaring.
How are you? Hello, Mr Cheeseman.
All ready to start work, are you? Oh yes, yes indeed.
Yes.
Good.
Well, now, while you're with us, you will be a temporary trainee recruit.
Have you measured him for his uniform, Godfrey? Oh, not yet, sir.
You see, we've only one spare suit.
Oh.
Well, measure him for that.
Yes, well, now, I thought I'd call the first article ''Captain Mainwaring: Man of Action.
'' Oh! Excellent title, don't you think so, Wilson? Oh, yes indeed.
I do, sir.
Yes.
-I can bet it'll look awfully good in print, sir.
-''Captain Mainwaring: Man of Action''? No, no, there is no question mark after the title.
-You know, what about a photograph? -What an awfully good idea.
Would you like me sitting down, or standing up in some kind of a casual sort of manner? -Rather like this? -Just a minute, you're not in this at all.
-Officers only.
-Right, sir.
Now, do you think I should be working at my desk? Yes.
Yes, indeed, that's good.
Yes.
Now, should I wear the gloves or not, do you think? Excuse me, sir, don't you think it's going to look a bit strange, writing with your gloves on? This pen's no good anyway.
-Lend me your gold fountain pen, Wilson.
-Now look here, sir, you know as well as I do that I never, ever lend my pen to anybody.
It hurts the nib.
-I don't want to use it, I only want to hold it.
-There you are, sir.
-Just keep the top on, will you? -Oh, don't be absurd.
How can I have a photograph taken, writing with a pen with the top on? I think, perhaps, I should be on the telephone.
Oh, yes, yes.
Get on the phone.
That's good, yes.
Is there no limit to the conceit of the man? I think he looks rather noble.
How's that? Rather Churchillian, don't you think? Yes, yes, very Churchillian.
Yes, indeed.
Hello.
Hello? Hello.
Mr Mainwaring, permission to speak, sir? Jones, is that you? What are you doing on the telephone? Get off at once.
I'm having my photograph taken on it.
Something wrong, Captain Mainwaring? No, no, no.
It's just one of my patrols phoning in.
The whole thing works like a smooth, well-oiled machine around here.
Oh.
Jones, by the way, while you're on, you'd better give me your report.
Mr Mainwaring, young Pikey's got his head caught in the park gates.
-I see.
-What do you mean? Didn't you hear me, sir? Private Pike got his head caught in the park gates.
Good, good.
Excellent.
Good? What's good about it? I don't understand.
What shall I do, Mr Mainwaring? Can't you remove the obstacle? Well, I've tried pulling, you see, sir, but it's his ears.
They're in the way, sir.
Are you sure there's nothing wrong, Captain Mainwaring? No, no, no, nothing wrong at all, no.
Just one of my patrols got hung up, that's all.
Something, er Something is exposed which shouldn't be exposed.
-Jones? -Well, well.
Shouldn't be exposed, you know.
You should cover it up.
Camouflage, camouflage.
Yes, well I'll be along there as soon as I can.
What is it that is exposed that shouldn't be exposed? I'm surprised at you asking questions like that in front of a civilian, Wilson.
I'm going along to investigate.
You better come with me.
-Aye, sir.
-Yes, I'll come along, too, Captain Mainwaring.
No, no, no.
I can't have any civilians, I'm afraid.
You see, the, erthing which is exposed, which shouldn't be exposed, is highly secret.
Well, I'm not a civilian now, I'm a member of the platoon.
No, you're not a member of the platoon until I've sworn you in.
-Oh, well, swear me in now, then.
-I'm afraid there's no time for that now.
Okay, you stay here, and I'll swear you in when I come back.
Oh.
Righto, boy.
-What you covering me up for, Mr Jones? -Well, I don't know.
It's nothing to do with me.
Mr Mainwaring said you've got to be camouflaged.
Here, hang on to that.
-Oi! Hey! -What? Couldn't you have found a bush with no prickles on it? -I'll go and find some.
-All right.
-All right, where is he, Jones? -I'm here, Mr Mainwaring.
-I'm sorry.
-Stupid boy.
Why didn't you tell us in the office that Frank had got his head stuck through the railings? How can I tell you in front of that reporter? Why did you ask me to camouflage him, sir? Because if any passers-by had seen him, we'd have been the (Air-raid siren wailing) we'd have been the laughing stock of the town.
-There they are again.
-Right.
Get your tin helmets on, men.
-What about me, Uncle Arthur? -We better take shelter.
And what about me? Be quiet, Pike.
Put your helmet on.
Sir, I could run back to the workshop and bring the hacksaw.
Oh, that's just a waste of time, sir.
It would take hours to do that.
Why don't we get in touch with the fire brigade? There's an air raid on, isn't there? They have far more important things to do.
Besides, I keep telling you, I don't want anybody to know.
-I told you to put your helmet on.
-Well, I can't get it through the bars.
-Put it sideways, sideways.
-How can I see which is sideways? I haven't got eyes in the back of my head, you know.
Don't you use that tone of voice to me, Pike.
-Corporal Jones, help him to put his helmet on.
-Very good, sir.
Sir, I have a pot of Vaseline in my first-aid bag here.
If we smear it on his head, he might slip through.
Ah, now that's a very good idea, yes, yes.
Wilson, Frazer -Yes, sir? -Help Godfrey to grease Pike's head.
What are you fiddling about like that for? Every time I put his tin helmet on, it falls on the ground, sir.
Oh, give it to me.
-Hey, that's cold, that is.
What is it? -All right, Frank, all right.
It's only Vaseline.
Look, don't just dab at it like some nancy boy, Wilson.
-Smear it in.
Smear it in.
-I am smearing it in.
Look, I don't want to be greased.
I'm going to tell my mum about this.
Just be quiet, Frank! -Ah, don't be such a soft jessie.
-Oh, no! No! Sponge, grab hold of his legs, and bring your full weight to bear.
-Yes, Captain Mainwaring, my full weight.
-No, not your full weight, Mr Sponge.
-The rest of you, get what purchase you can.
-Right, sir.
Right, stand by, ready, pull! (All groaning) Oh! You're pulling me ears off.
I don't think it's going to work, sir.
Oh, you can't give up that easily.
Come on, try again.
Pull! No! Stop it! (Explosion) That was too heavy for a bomb.
Sounded more like a land mine to me, sir.
Thank heavens.
I thought it was Pike's head exploding.
Sir! We'll have to get this boy under cover, sir.
Yes.
I'm well aware of that, Frazer.
-Gather round me, O-group, here.
-Right.
Now look, we've got to get this boy out of the railings.
Any suggestions? -Yes.
Permission to speak, sir.
-Yes.
Well, I reckon it this way, sir.
Desperate times need desperate measures, sir.
Now, the only thing that's stopping us getting Pike's head out from the bars is his ears, sir.
-Yes.
-So I suggest we remove them.
-What do you mean? -Cut 'em off, sir.
Jones, for heaven's sake.
Well, we needn't cut both of them off.
Just one, and then try it.
Oh, don't talk such rubbish, Jones.
Pike can't go about the rest of his life without any ears.
Better than going about without any head.
Hey! Hey! You're talking about me, aren't you? What you saying? What you saying? Mind your own business, Pike.
Eavesdroppers never heard any good of themselves.
Excuse me, sir, I've got an idea.
Supposing we were to lift the gates up off the hinges.
Then, perhaps we might be able to march with it back to the church hall.
-Yes? -Well done, Wilson.
I was just waiting to see who'd spot that one first.
Right.
Come on.
-What you doing? -Lift.
What you doing? What you doing? Hey! Hey! You're pulling my head off! Just a minute, just a minute.
Pike when we lift, don't go up with it.
Slide your head down the rails.
-Well, you should have said, shouldn't you? -All right, lift! It's coming, sir, it's coming! -That's got it.
-Watch the boy.
-And right.
-Be careful.
Now then, let's get back to the church hall as quickly as we can and hope to goodness nobody sees us.
Here you are.
MAINWARING: By the left, quick march.
Left, right.
Right wheel! Right wheel! Left.
Right.
Left.
Right.
Keep in step, Pike.
Left, left, left, right, left.
JONES: Down on your right.
-JONES: Do not juggle the private.
-Don't juggle the private All right, don't worry, men.
Stand easy.
Right, put it down gently there.
God, that gate weighs a ton.
Feels as if my arms have been dragged off their sockets.
What do think my head feels like? -Now stop grumbling, Frank, please.
-Yes, stop grumbling, Pike.
Oh, sir, we cannot stand here all night holding this blooming thing up.
Permission to speak, sir.
Why don't we get two long ropes, and tie it to the beam, so then we won't have to hang on to it all the time.
Very good idea, Jones, yes.
Sponge, go and get two lengths of rope.
-Yes, Captain Mainwaring, two lengths of rope.
-Fuzzy-wuzzies used to do that in the Sudan, sir.
They used to hang their prisoners up in the sun all day, and give them nothing to drink.
-I don't want to be hung up with nothing to drink.
-You'll do as you're told, Pike.
I could bring him a glass of water from time to time.
Godfrey, don't put your head through.
One's quite enough.
(Hubbub of voices) Good heavens, sir.
What on earth's going on in the office? Yes, yes indeed, yes.
Yes, indeed.
Thank goodness you're here, Captain Mainwaring.
-Hello, who's this then? -He's Private Pike.
-Hello, how are you? -Very nice to meet you.
Yes, yes.
Yes, indeed.
What's he doing with his head stuck through the gate? -It's highly secret.
-Well, you can tell me.
-No, no, I can't.
I haven't sworn you in yet.
-Well, swear me in now, then.
No, there's no time for that now.
Now look here, what's going on in there? Well, the chief warden is holding an emergency meeting, you see How dare he? Wilson, come on.
We'll soon sort this out.
We're all talking at once, we won't get anywhere! Ah, where have you been? Don't you know there's an emergency on? How dare you hold a meeting in my office without my permission? This happens to be my office, Captain Mainwaring.
-It also happens to be my office.
-And it also happens to be my office, -and I'm holding an emergency meeting.
-Emergency.
What emergency? Do you mean to say you haven't heard? You know Inspector Baker and Fire Officer Dale.
How awfully nice to see you.
It was fun last night, wasn't it? You know, Connie wears awfully well, doesn't she? Never mind about Connie.
-What's happening here? -What's happened? A land mine has landed on the railway line, just outside the town.
Fortunately, nobody was seriously hurt, but it's destroyed over 1 00 yards of railway track! And the town's gas and water supplies have been cut off! And if those Jerry planes drop any fire bombs, we've had it.
-This is serious, I'm getting on to GHQ.
-Look, the telephone lines are down as well.
-That's no good.
-I've just heard the news! No gas, no water, no telephones! The town's cut off! We're marooned! Marooned! -What are we going to do? -All right, Mr Town Clerk.
-No need to get into a panic.
-I'm not in a panic! But somebody's got to do something.
(All arguing) -Something's got to be done, Wilson.
-Certainly has, sir.
There's only one thing for it.
I shall have to take charge.
-I quite agree, sir.
-That's just the sort of remark I'd expect -What did you say? -I quite agree, sir.
Without you in charge, God knows what's going to happen to this town.
I'm right behind you.
-Thank you, Wilson.
-Not at all, sir.
Don't mention it.
Now get Frazer, Jones and Godfrey in here.
At the double.
Rifles and bayonets.
Frazer! Jones! Godfrey! In here at the double.
Rifles and fixed bayonets.
There you are, sir.
How was that? -I can hardly believe my ears.
Is this really you? -Yes, it's really me, yes.
When the occasion demands, I can bawl and shout just like you.
Now, Vicar.
Vicar, I'm very sorry to do this.
-Corporal Jones.
-Sir.
-Frazer.
-Here.
-Clear my desk.
-Clear the desk.
How dare you threaten His Reverence with a bayonet? He's not the only one who's being threatened.
Now you clear off, mate.
I think we better humour him, Mr Yeatman.
It's quite obvious Captain Mainwaring has gone mad! -Right, form in a tight group behind me.
-In a tight group behind the captain! -At the double, march! -Right.
All right, sir? Not as tight as that! Get their attention.
Come along.
Aroo! Aroo, you Sassenachs! Aroo! All right, all right, Frazer.
All right, Frazer, that's enough.
Captain Mainwaring would like to make an announcement.
As from now, this town is under martial law.
ALL: Martial law? What's that mean? I am now taking over.
Oh! He's been leading up to this for years, and now he's finally done it! Well, you won't get away with this, Napoleon! Inspector, arrest that man! Captain Mainwaring, you really can't do this, you know.
I mean, after all, if anyone should take charge, the police should.
Anyway, where's your authority? There's my symbol of authority.
And I have 1 5 fully-armed men behind me.
What have you got? Well, there's me and my sergeant, -two constables -Yeah, that's right, Dick and George.
-That's right, Dick and George.
-Captain Mainwaring, man of action! I'm right behind you, boy.
The power of the press, remember.
The power of the press.
Thank you, Mr Cheeseman.
-Sergeant Wilson.
-Sir? -Bring some paper and pencils.
-Aye, sir.
The rest of you, follow me.
Now, pay attention, everybody.
As from now, this town is under martial law.
Stop him, someone.
We can't let him take over the town! The man's a tyrant.
Look at the way he punishes his men.
-No, I'm not being punished -Be quiet, Private Pike.
-Now, Wilson, Jones, Frazer.
-Yes, sir? You'll take down these orders, and then you will get on your bicycles, and shout them.
Shout these messages all round the town.
-Do you understand? -Yes, sir.
-Right, you first, Wilson.
Start getting it down.
-Ready.
This town is now under martial law.
''This town is now under martial law.
'' All looters will be shot on sight.
''All looters will be shot on sight.
'' As town clerk, I demand that someone stops him! He's behaving like a dictator in some South American banana republic! Oh, does that mean we're going to have bananas again? MAINWARING: No, it doesn't.
Be quiet.
Right, Jones.
You're next.
Now, there's been some damage to the gas and water supplies.
Therefore there is some danger of cholera.
No water will be drunk, unless it is first boiled.
''No water be drunk, unless it's first boiled.
'' How are they going to boil it without gas? -That's their business.
-''That's their business.
'' No, no, no, no.
I was talking to Wilson.
No baths to be taken without a permit.
''No baths to be taken without a permit.
'' You, Jones, will be in charge of water permits.
-Captain Mainwaring, sir, do you think -Be quiet, Godfrey.
-Right, Frazer, you're next.
-Right, sir.
All rumour-mongers will be imprisoned.
''All rumour-mongers will be imprisoned.
'' All defeatists will be imprisoned.
''All defeatists will be imprisoned.
'' Anybody not obeying military law ''Anybody not obeying military law'' will be imprisoned.
''will be imprisoned.
'' We've only got two cells.
I've never heard anything like it.
I'm going to see the mayor about this.
No more than five persons at any gathering.
''Five persons at any gathering.
'' But I always have at least ten in my congregation.
Nine.
Mrs Fletcher's in hospital, expecting her fifth.
Yes, and he'll stop that and all, given half the chance.
-Take the warden's name, Sergeant.
-All right, sir.
There's another one here for you, Jones.
No alcoholic beverages will be sold without my permission.
Ah-ah! Oh, no.
That is undemocratic.
You, Frazer, will be in charge of all liquor permits.
-I'm right behind you, Captain.
-Right.
Now, when you have shouted these messages around the town, you will report back to me for further orders.
I shall set up my headquarters in the town hall.
-Why the town hall, sir? -Because, Wilson, he who holds the town hall holds Walmington-On-Sea.
Right, come along, men.
We march on the town hall.
Right, sir.
Left, left, left Oh, Mr Godfrey, I don't know how much more of this I can take.
Hanging here, with me head in a gate.
You must be brave, you know, Frank.
Hang on as long as you can.
Well, somebody had better do something soon.
(Trembling) Ever so soon.
I quite appreciate how you feel.
You have my most sincere sympathies.
JONES: No one to take a bath without a permit! No one to take a bath without a permit! All right, Jones.
You can stop now, you can stop it now, we're here, you see.
I never knew you had such a loud voice.
Uncle Arthur? Have you thought of a way of getting me out of here yet, please? Now look, Frank, please.
Would you stop moaning? I'm working on it, I promise you, I'm working on it, you see.
Ooh, er Er Excuse me.
What are you doing out this time of the night, Mr Bluett? Well, I was going to have a bath, and I got one foot in, and I heard this voice telling me I got to have a permit.
-Mr Bluett, I really don't think -Of course, he's got to have a permit.
What'd you think I've been shouting me mouth off about all the time? This whole thing's assuming ridiculous proportions.
Well, make your mind up, 'cause the water's getting cold.
Well, the trouble is I haven't got any bath permits at the moment, you see.
Wait a minute, hang on.
The wife usually gets in after I do, does she have to have a permit as well? No, just the one permit will be all right.
''I hereby give you permission to take a bath.
''Yours sincerely, Jack Jones, Lance Corporal.
'' There you are.
Ta.
Oh, erwho do I give it to? That's the point, isn't it? I think you better give it to me.
Well, that's all right then.
You see, I'm a very law-abiding man.
-Yes.
-I like to obey the rules.
You see, I wouldn't like to finish up being punished like him.
-Well, goodnight all! -Goodnight, Mr Bluett.
For God's sake, this whole thing's become a complete farce, Sergeant.
There you are, sir, you're back early.
I thought you'd taken over the town hall.
It was closed.
Doesn't open till 9:00 in the morning.
Yes! I got a good photograph of Captain Mainwaring knocking on the front door, and the town clerk going like this through the letter box.
I'll deal with him first thing in the morning.
What about me, Mr Mainwaring, please? Be quiet, Pike.
You'll be dealt with in due course.
Captain Mainwaring! I feel it's my duty to tell ye that I think you are behaving in a thoroughly undemocratic and unconstitutional manner, and thus usurping the power of the land.
Yes, I think Frazer's absolutely right, sir.
I mean, you can't go around shouting at people like this, and threatening to shoot them.
I mean it really is going a bit too far.
-You're behaving like some sort of a dictator.
-I'm not behaving like a dictator at all, Wilson.
-I'm simply asking people to do as they're told.
-Permission to speak, sir? I'd like to put it this way, sir.
At times like these, you are within your rights to uslurp the power of land -and carry out the coup d'etat.
-Thank you.
Now someone has to take over in this emergency, Wilson.
And that someone, of course, is me.
As soon as I think that the civil powers are able to take over, I shall relinquish the control.
In the meantime, everybody must just knuckle down.
It's for their own good.
Good evening, I'm Captain Swan.
-Captain Mainwaring, how do you do? -I've been sent across from GHQ to take over control and distribution of all essential services.
-Martial law, you mean? -Yes, I suppose you could call it that.
I've got a notice about it here.
All the usual rubbish on it.
-Illegal assembly, looting, all that sort of thing.
-Yes, I have arranged for all this to be done.
I've placed myself in complete command.
Well, in that case all I've got to do is to take over from you.
-Where's your office? -Over there.
Thank you.
-Don't mind if I borrow your desk, do you? -Now look here, I really This is monstrous.
Monstrous! (Stuttering) It's unconstitutional, it's undemocratic, it's against everything that we're fighting for.
I intend to see my MP at once.
Well, I wouldn't worry about it too much, if I were you, sir.
I mean, you'll just have to knuckle down, that's all.
After all it is for your own good.