Dad's Army (1968) s07e04 Episode Script

Who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk we're on the run? We are the boys who wIll stop your lIttle game We are the boys who wIll make you thInk agaIn 'Cause who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk old England's done? Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.
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2 1 But he comes home each evenIng and he's ready wIth hIs gun So who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk old England's done? Right.
Now, men, this is top secret.
Put the blackouts up.
Privates Woods, Meadows, stand on guard outside the main door there and don't let anybody in.
-I don't care who it is.
All right? -Right.
-All clear out there, Hancock? -All clear, sir.
Good.
-Right, Jones, all clear.
-Right, sir.
Come on, men.
(Bells jingling) Excellent, men! Excellent.
Very good turn out.
-Permission to speak, sir.
-Yes.
Aren't you going to wear your attire? No, not for just now.
I shall just I shall just wear the hat.
Now, the reason I've taken all these pains to keep this matter a secret is because nobody must see this dance until it's perfect.
Otherwise we might look like a bunch of idiots.
Captain Mainwaring, -I want a word with you.
-Mmm-hmm.
I've got to tell you, sir, that as a Scot, I feel a right jessie dressed up in this in this pansy, Sassenach get-up! It's frightfully difficult getting about.
It really is most awkward.
-All right, you'll soon get used to it.
-Will I? -Sir, Mr Wilson does not appear as other men.
-What? His little legs are pointing in the wrong direction.
-What's the matter with them? -Do try and sort yourself out, will you? Well, I haven't done it before.
It's very difficult.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much indeed.
-Now, as you -I'm sorry.
Now, as you know, we're only ?2,000 off our target, which is to buy a Spitfire.
And during the coming week During the coming week, the good people of Walmington will be doing their utmost to raise this money.
And the grand climax will come on Saturday afternoon with the procession, which is when we shall do our dance.
And Sergeant Wilson will go round collecting the money.
Excuse me, sir, you know, I don't like the idea of asking strangers for money.
It's perfectly simple.
All you have to do is gallop the horse and make it look as lifelike as possible.
That's right.
-And you make jocular remarks.
-Oh, I see.
What sort of jocular remarks? Try, um ''Har, har, har! Give till it hurts.
Har, har, har!'' Try that.
Ha, ha, ha.
Give till it hurts.
Ha, ha, ha.
If we're going to collect ?2,000, I think he'll have to be a bit more jocular than that, sir.
I know.
He could say, ''We need Spitfires to beat the Hun, ''put money in my mouth and it goes to my tum.
'' Rubbish! All he's got to do is to wave his stick at the crowd and say, ''Give us your money or I'll bash your head in!'' All right, now, let's form up.
And, Private Sponge, you give the instruction book to Sergeant Wilson, will you? -Thank you so much.
-Right.
Now Now where did we get to last time? I was having trouble with my whiffling, sir.
-Ah, whiffling, yes.
-Yes, sir.
It's very important that you should understand the meaning of these movements.
-Read the bit out about whiffling, Wilson.
-Just a minute, sir.
Ah, yes, here we are.
Whiffling, yes, whiffling, yes.
Yes, the movement.
''The movement of the whiffling stick represents the frightening away of evil spirits.
'' -There you are.
-Away from what, Mr Mainwaring? This is a fertility dance, Pike.
I don't think my sister Dolly would approve of that sort of thing.
Not that, you silly old duffer.
It's just to encourage the crops to grow.
It's danced every spring by the young fertile men of the village.
Well, it's not much good us doing it, is it? You speak for yourself! All right, all right, all right.
That'll do.
Permission to speak, sir.
I do not wish to stand opposite Private Frazer when he's whiffling.
-Why not? -Well, sir, I've faced whirling dervishes and I've faced charging fuzzy-wuzzies, but I don't want to face Private Frazer when he's waving his whiffling stick.
He's got a mad look in his eye.
Mad? Mad? My eyes are perfectly sane.
Now, Captain Mainwaring, would you say I had mad eyes? Well, no.
Not really mad.
There you are, you see.
Now, just before we start, we'd better check that the bells are all right.
Right, left leg first.
Right leg.
Is that the best you can do, Godfrey? Well, aa touch of rheumatism, I'm afraid, sir.
I'm so sorry, sir.
I beg your pardon.
Look, do try and control that animal, will you? He's not used to this type of work, you see.
Right, from the top then.
Private Day.
(Music starts playing) A one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
Back, two, three, four.
Forward, six, seven, and Round.
Turn! Whiffle.
Bean sprout.
Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whiffle.
Hey, what are you doing? Very good, very good.
That was very good indeed.
I'm very proud of you.
Right, now take a break and change back into your uniforms.
(Muttering) Jones, Jones, Jones.
Just a minute.
Now what's all this nonsense about Frazer hitting you with his stick? That's not like you.
No, I know it isn't, sir.
I can't cover it up any longer, sir.
I'm in a highly nervous state.
-You've got some trouble at home? -No, I've got trouble away from home, sir.
-You'd better come in the office.
-Right, thank you, sir, thank you.
Oh, sir, could Mr Wilson come, too, sir? -Why? -Well, he's a man of the world.
-Oh, very well.
Wilson.
-Yes, sir? -Office.
-Right.
-Do you want me to walk or gallop? -Just come in the office, will you? Right.
Thank you, Jonesy, so very much.
Thank you so much.
Very kind of you, Jonesy.
-Now, Jones, what's all this -I can't deal with this thing.
-Get this thing off my desk, will you? -I'm terribly sorry, sir.
Well, it's rather awkward.
It sort of sticks out, you see.
Now, Jones, come on.
Well, sir, it's rather delicate, you see.
It's Mrs Fox.
Mrs Fox? Yes.
You see, she's a widow lady, sir, and we have a certain arrangement and recently we've been walking out together.
-Walking out where? -Well, all over the place.
I go round her place of a Saturday night with a couple of pork chops and then she cooks them and we have them together.
Well, there's nothing between Mrs Fox and me.
I mean, it's a purely Teutonic arrangement.
And, as I say, I'll go round to supper on a Saturday night and then we have supper together then we listen to In Town TonIght.
And when the man says, ''Carry on, London!'' I go home.
I really don't see what this has got to do with me.
Well, recently, you see, sir, her affection has been taken by another.
Ah.
Who? Mr Gordon, the town clerk.
What? Not that silly bald-headed old duffer, do you mean? I don't mean he's a bald-headed old duffer just because he's got a bald head.
I mean, he'd be a silly old Wouldn't he? I mean He'd be a silly old duffer even if he'd got a full head of hair.
-Yes, he might have a full head -Oh, all right, all right.
All right.
But everybody knows he's a roue and a philanthropist.
Yes, well, I still don't know what you want me to do about it.
Well, sir, I want you to speak to her, sir.
-Why, I couldn't possibly do that.
-Yes, you must.
You must.
You must, sir.
There.
I've written down her telephone number.
There.
-Now don't you go spreading it around, mind.
-Yes, but I Well, please, sir, you must speak to her.
You must.
Otherwise I shall be a broken man.
And what good is a broken Lance Corporal to you, sir? Dear, oh, dear.
What are you going to do, sir? I don't know.
I suppose I could ring her up.
Perhaps I ought to point out to her what sort of a chap this town clerk is.
I'll give her a ring later and arrange to see her.
Don't sIt under the apple tree WIth anyone else but me #Anyone else but me # Godfrey, is that you, sir? Yes, I was just having my hot milk before I go to bed.
It has happened.
I knew it would one day.
What has? It's Mainwaring.
He has succumbed to the lure of the flesh.
Did you hear what I said, Godfrey? The flesh, the flesh! I do wish you wouldn't keep repeating that word.
My sister Dolly might overhear it.
I don't believe a word of it.
But I tell you, man, I heard it with my own ears.
It just so happened I was passing the office door and I heard him speaking to this woman.
What woman? Mrs Fox.
That fine, big, widow woman.
Mr Mainwaring's a pillar of respectability.
Man! It's men like him that are the worst.
Aye, looking down their noses at other folk and all the time deep inside, lust.
Lust.
Sheer naked lust.
I'll tell you what, the fires of hell are lying in wait for him.
He's doomed! Doomed! I think the whole thing is nonsense.
Nonsense, is it? Listen.
I heard him arranging to meet this woman at the Marigold Tea Rooms tomorrow morning at 1 0:30.
If you don't believe me, come and see for yourself.
I will, just to prove that you're wrong.
Right.
I'll meet you there.
And don't forget it's your turn to pay for the coffee.
Hello.
Hello.
Listen, Pikey.
I must speak to you, boy.
It's very important.
I want some information, you see.
You know Captain Mainwaring? What time does he go for his morning coffee? Oh, 1 0:30, regular as clockwork.
Every morning, Marigold Tea Rooms.
Why? Well, my information is that he's meeting a certain lady there.
Oh, no.
No, Mr Mainwaring doesn't know certain ladies.
He's married.
But she's not so much a lady as a kind of a big But you know I write this gossip column for the Eastbourne Gazette, called ''Whispers from Walmington.
'' Yes.
Yes, indeed.
Oh, I can see the headlines now.
''What local bank manager's name is linked with a certain widow, Lady X?'' No.
No, you must have it all wrong.
No, my information is that he's besotted with her, boy.
Besotted.
What, like in that film RaIn? See, there was this clergyman, you see, and he was besotted with a girl named Sadie Thompson.
Well, being a clergyman, he wasn't allowed to be besotted.
So in the end, he walked into the sea.
Hey, you don't think Mr Mainwaring will walk into the sea, do you? Well, if he does, he'll have a long way to walk.
Tide's out tomorrow morning.
#A rendezvous That overlooked the avenue I'm sorry, but Captain Mainwaring is a perfectly respectable, married man.
For God's sake.
You know your trouble, Godfrey? You live in a dream world of your own.
I tell you this, man, it's this He's here.
I had hoped we would have the place to ourselves.
Don't worry, sir.
I mean, nobody will know why you're meeting Mrs Fox.
Look, it doesn't do for a man in my position to be seen in a public place with a flashy woman like Mrs Fox.
In a small town like this, you know, tongues wag.
-Tongues wag.
-Oh, it's all right, sir.
I mean, nobody will pay the slightest bit of attention to you.
Well, now, where shall we sit? -Well, I'm going to sit over here.
-Oh, I see.
All right.
You just go and sit on your own somewhere, will you? Psst! Psst! Mr Mainwaring.
Good morning.
-Is that you, Jones? -You won't give me away, will you, sir? What on earth are you doing dressed like that? I'm heavily disguised.
I don't want anyone to recognise me.
Yoo-hoo! Mr Mainwaring! Good morning, Mr Frazer.
Mr Godfrey.
-Oh, hello, Mr Wilson.
-Hello, Mrs Fox.
-I'm ever so sorry I'm late, Mr Mainwaring.
-Do sit down.
I'm not usually late when I go to meet a gentleman friend but this morning, I couldn't Please, sit down.
Thank you.
See there, man, Godfrey, the way he manhandles her.
Oh, well, this is cosy.
-Good morning, sir.
-Good morning.
Two coffees, please.
Aren't you having coffee with your friend Mr Wilson this morning? (Stammering) No, I'm not.
I'm having this lady with my coffee -Two coffees, please.
-I see.
Now, Mrs Fox, the reason I've asked you to meet me here this morning is to discuss -What do you want, Pike? -Excuse me, Mr Mainwaring.
Mrs Mainwaring's on the phone.
Oh.
Well -Tell her I'll ring back later, will you? -Yes, ring back later.
Right.
What is it now? -Good morning, Mrs Fox.
-Oh, hello, dear.
-Nice to see you.
-Nice to see you.
-Haven't seen you for a long time, have I? -No, dear.
Get out, Pike.
Go on, get out.
Bye-bye, dear.
Now, Mrs Fox, the reason I asked you to meet me here this morning -is to discuss a rather delicate matter.
-Yes? I find these affairs of the emotions very embarrassing.
Oh, well, you don't want to be shy with me, Mr Mainwaring.
The point is, Mrs Fox, -you're a very attractive woman and I -Two coffees.
What was I saying? -You were just saying how attractive I was.
-Oh, yes.
Which indeed you are, of course.
Particularly to older men.
Oh, you're very attractive, too, Mr Mainwaring.
-That's really got nothing to do with it.
-Oh, but you are.
-You are.
-Yes.
Well, we won't argue about it.
The point is, Mrs Fox, you have had Mr Jones as an admirer for some time now.
And now you have another.
Mr Mainwaring! See! See there, Godfrey, man.
For goodness sake, they're playing handy-pandy! -I think we'd better go.
-No, no, no, man.
Being a public figure, I've no doubt this new admirer -is of great attraction to you.
-Oh, he is.
He is.
Yes, whereas Jones is just a simple butcher.
But he's a fine figure of a man, Mrs Fox.
Full head of fine, distinguished grey hair.
Whereas this new admirer of yours, not to put too fine a point upon it, is bald.
Mr Mainwaring, you know what they say about bald-headed men.
No, what do they say? Well, they say The thing is, Mrs Fox, Jones is a loyal member of my platoon and I don't want him hurt.
We won't hurt him, Mr Mainwaring.
-We? -Yes.
He can have Mondays and Saturdays and you can have Tuesdays and Fridays.
-I'm talking about Mr Gordon, the town clerk.
-Well, he can have Wednesdays.
What do you want now, Pike? I'm sorry to disturb you again, Mr Mainwaring, but Mrs Mainwaring is on the phone again.
I told her you were having coffee with Mrs Fox but she insisted on speaking to you.
You stupid boy.
HoldIng all Its glory I tell you, Wilson.
I've never I've never been so shocked in my life.
That woman, that dreadful woman, actually thought that I had amorous intentions towards her.
Oh, dear.
How awfully embarrassing for you, sir.
To make matters worse, when my wife rang up, that stupid boy Pike told her that I was having coffee with Mrs Fox.
Oh, dear.
All hell let loose when I got home.
Elizabeth wouldn't listen to any of my explanations.
Look what she did to my tie.
Good heavens, sir.
She rang the bank 1 2 times today.
And if she rings tonight, you tell her I'm not here, right? Yes, I understand, sir.
All right.
-Good evening, Sergeant Wilson.
Good evening.
-Hi, Jonesy.
I want to thank you very much, sir, for talking to Mrs Fox like that.
I'm sure it had a great effect upon her.
Yes, it certainly has.
Thank you.
Captain Mainwaring.
Captain Mainwaring.
We cannae get into the hall.
The door's locked.
Yes.
Mr Hodges shouted at us to go away.
You can come out now, girls.
Come on.
Line up round the horse.
That's it.
There we are.
Very nice.
That's it.
All right.
Here we are, then.
Yes.
Well, what do you think, then, Mr Town Clerk? Oh, they're very nice, they are.
Right.
Now, girls, as you know, we've got you here tonight so that we can choose one of you to play the part of Lady Godiva in the procession next week.
Can we have the first girl on the horse, please? Yes, certainly.
Right.
Get on the horse, dear.
On the horse.
-Now, Corporal Jones -Sir? I want you to show the men how to strip down the Lewis gun in two minutes.
And I shall time you.
-Uncle Arthur.
-What is it? -What? -The hall.
It's full of naked ladies.
Oh, for heaven's sake, Frank.
For heaven's sake, just pay attention to the lecture.
-It is.
-What? -Come and have a look for yourself.
Come on.
-Lord, what next? Oh, good heavens! -Shall we tell Mr Mainwaring? -What? Well, I (Phone ringing) -Answer the phone, Wilson, will you? -Yes, of course, sir, yes.
-Yes? -Hurry up, Jones, you've only got 30 seconds left.
Hello.
Yes, yes, yes.
Speaking, yes.
Just hold on a moment, would you, please? It's for you, sir.
It's Mrs Mainwaring.
-I told you to tell her I wasn't here.
-I'm so sorry.
I'm awfully sorry.
I'm afraid I'm afraid he's gone out for a little while.
-Yoo-hoo! Mr Mainwaring, I'm here! -I'm sorry How dare you burst in on one of my lectures like this! Oh, I'm ever so sorry.
I was just on my way through to the hall.
Oh, excuse me, boys.
Mr Gordon, let me in.
It's only little me.
Good evening, my dear.
You're just in time.
Come in.
Thank you.
Oh, Mr Mainwaring, stop him, stop him.
What's he doing in there? -What's he doing in there, Mr Mainwaring? -I don't know, Jones, but I intend to find out.
What's the meaning of this? Buzz off, Napoleon, this is my night to have the hall.
I'm appalled at you, Vicar.
Wilson.
Wilson! Don't keep staring at the girls.
Get them covered up.
-What with? -Come away, boy.
Don't be so absurd! -All this fuss over a few silly girls.
-Yes.
If the vicar wants silly girls in his hall, that's his affair.
Mr Gordon, shall I go and change into my swimming costume now? Gosh! I don't think I could stand the shock.
-Yes, my dear, go and get changed.
-Will you show me He's doing it again, Mr Mainwaring.
Stop him, Mr Mainwaring.
All right.
Be quiet, Jones.
Hodges, I demand an explanation of this.
Keep your hair on.
We're just choosing one of the girls here to play the part of Lady Godiva in the procession next Saturday.
-Lady Godiva? -Yes, Lady Godiva.
And it's much better than your silly Morris dancing.
Our Morris dancing is not silly.
Just a minute.
Mr Town Clerk, do I understand that one of these girls is going to ride naked through the streets of Walmington? Yes, it's a tribute to the brave city of Coventry.
The girl won't be bare of course.
She'll wear fleshings.
Fleshings? It's all right, sir.
It's quite all right.
They're over-all body tights.
We're not living in Victorian times, you know.
Mr Gordon, do you think I might have a little word in your ear? Certainly, my dear.
-He's doing it again.
Stop him -All right, all right.
-in her ear.
-Keep quiet.
-Now, look here, Mr Gordon, I demand -Just one moment, Captain Mainwaring.
I think we have a solution.
You don't want one of these young girls as a Lady Godiva.
Now, it's just been pointed out to me that the Lady Godiva Leofric was in fact a woman of more mature years.
So, in the cause of historical accuracy, I suggest that Lady Godiva should be Mrs Fox.
(All groaning) Quiet! Please, quiet! Mrs Fox will be perfectly respectable, covered from top to toe in fleshings, and wearing a wig of long, golden tresses.
He'll never cover her up with long, golden tresses.
You would need a bell tent.
Yes, Elizabeth.
No, Elizabeth.
I keep on telling you that I had nothing whatever to do with the choice of Mrs Fox as Lady Godiva.
No, dear.
Yes, dear.
It was the town clerk who decided that she should be played by somebody more mature.
That is, somebody of rather more ample proportions.
Yes, I know that you have more ample proportions than Mrs Fox.
But you're not Lady Godiva, are you? Hello? Hello? Hello? -Just having a chat to the little woman.
-I see.
-What little woman? -My wife, of course.
I've lost her.
I've lost her.
Ever since the town clerk asked Mrs Fox to be Lady Godiva, her head's been turned completely right round.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry, Jonesy.
You see, this is what comes of women interfering with men's affairs.
The whole platoon's been knocked sideways.
Mum, no.
Mum, you can't come in now.
We're just going to go on parade.
Oh, Frank, you keep out of the way.
Evening, Captain Mainwaring.
-Arthur! -Yes, what is it? What's this I hear about Mrs Fox being chosen as Lady Godiva? Well, it was nothing to do with me, Mavis.
-Well, you were there.
-What? Yes.
Yes, I was.
I was sort of standing around, yes.
-A woman like Mrs Fox? -Yes.
I'm much slimmer than she is.
I mean, what's wrong with my figure? What? Why, nothing, nothing at all.
You don't want to play Lady Godiva, Mrs Pike.
I would like to have been asked.
Have you considered the effect on your son? His mother, riding through the streets of Walmington, clad in nothing but Fleshings.
Now Now, be ready, men.
When When the procession has gone past, Jones will open the door, we will burst out into the street and start our dance.
Mr Mainwaring, the procession's coming now.
Good, good.
Stand by.
Right, put that horse somewhere.
Terribly sorry, sir, you see, but it's frightfully heavy.
It really is.
-Rest it on the table over here.
-That's better, yes.
(Knocking on door) -Who's that? -There's somebody at the back door.
Don't they know All right! All right! I'm coming! -Now, I want you to collect -Yes, sir.
-as much money as you possibly can.
-Right.
(Sobbing) Mr Jones! Mr Jones! -Mrs Fox, what's the matter? -Oh, it was terrible.
It was terrible.
Oh, don't upset yourself.
There, there, you're with your little Jack now.
Now, tell me, what happened? What happened? Well, Mr Jones, I went to the Town Hall to change in one of the rooms.
I put my wigs and fleshing on the chair, then I only went out of the room for a few minutes, and when I came back, they were gone.
Gone! Gone! What a pity.
We're not going to see Lady Godiva after all.
-Oh, well, it's up to us now, men.
-Yes.
Mr Mainwaring, there is a Lady Godiva.
Good lord, it's not Mavis, is it? I do wish you'd keep that woman in control.
Don't look! Don't look, Mr Mainwaring! Whatever you do, don't look, sir! Oh! Oh! It is Mrs Mainwaring.
Oh, Mr Mainwaring, speak to me! Speak to me! Oh, come round! Come round! Oh, poor Mr Mainwaring! He'll never get over the shock! No, and neither will the horse.