Dad's Army (1968) s08e03 Episode Script
Is There Honey Still For Tea?
Who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk we're on the run? We are the boys who wIll stop your lIttle game We are the boys who wIll make you thInk agaIn 'Cause who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk old England's done? Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.
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2 1 But he comes home each evenIng and he's ready wIth hIs gun So who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk old England's done? (PEN SCRATCHING IRRITABLY) -Aren't you feeling very well, Uncle Arthur? -Oh, no.
-Got a slight headache, that's all.
-Oh.
Look, Frank, do you really have to make all that noise? I've got to make up the ledgers, haven't I? -You know how fussy Mr Mainwaring is.
-Yes, I know.
Couldn't you please do it just a little bit more quietly, hmm? Use another nib or something.
It's the only nib I've got.
They're very difficult to get, you know.
-There is a war on.
-Yes, yes, yes, all right.
Anyway, if you've got a headache, it's your own fault.
By the time we finish supper, it's always so late, you never leave our house until after I've gone to bed.
And then you're back early for breakfast in the morning before I'm awake.
Well, you know, Frank, I always come round to your house for meals because your mother has my ration book.
What I can't understand is, I never hear you leave and I never hear you come back in the morning.
Well, you see, I let myself in and out very quietly.
You never do anything else quietly.
Frank, would you please stop? Just stop it, will you? Stop, stop.
Do you know your trouble, Uncle Arthur? You don't get enough sleep.
Well tonight I'm going to make sure you leave our house before I go to bed, even if I have to push you out the door myself.
I'm sorry, but it's for your own good.
-Morning, Wilson.
Pike.
-Morning, sir.
WILSON: Oh, what have you got there, sir? -A new door for my office.
-Oh, really? How lovely.
Do you realise, Wilson, it's three months now since the bank was bombed? And I don't know how many times I've applied for a new door.
Confounded red tape.
Get down, Pike.
Pike, get down.
Get down.
-Have you got my nameplate? -Yes, Mr Mainwaring, it's here.
Ah.
Look at this, Wilson.
My name in glittering gold letters.
Can't wait to put it in its rightful place.
-On the door of my office.
-Yes, well, it is rather a plain door, isn't it? Hmm? -Oh, that isn't the actual door.
-Oh.
The door's inside.
They probably put that case on to protect the panelling.
Oh, I see, I see.
Yes.
I mean, they wouldn't give me, manager of the bank, a plywood door.
Do use your intelligence sometimes, Wilson.
-Right, take the paper off.
-What paper? This is the door.
-This is made of paper.
-That's right.
Tar paper, to be exact.
Standard government issue to replace doors in bombed offices.
I can't screw my nameplate onto a paper door.
You could stick it on.
Shut up, boy.
Be quiet.
Get back to the counter.
This is monstrous.
I shall complain to head office.
Don't go on at me like that, mate.
Now, do you want us to put this thing up or not? -Oh, very well, yes.
Get on with it.
-Right.
How can I interview important clients in an office with a paper door? -Well, they use paper doors in Japan.
-What's that got to do with it? I've really no idea.
How can anybody knock on it? Well, you could put up a little notice saying, ''Don't knock, cough.
'' I'm not having people coughing and spluttering outside my door.
Just a minute.
-It's got holes in it.
What are these holes? -Don't worry about that, I'll fix that.
-Got any stamp paper? -Oh, yes, sure.
Hang on.
-Here you are.
-Ta.
There we are.
Good as new, eh? I can't have white spots all over the door.
You're a fussy little fellow, aren't you? That suit? -Come in the office, Wilson.
-All right, sir.
-I must speak to those cleaning ladies.
-Yes.
-Mr Mainwaring, Mr Mainwaring.
-Yes.
The Colonel's outside.
Like a word with you.
-Tell him I shan't be a minute.
-Yes, sir.
And while we're on the subject of tidiness, it's about time you had a haircut.
I'm terribly sorry, sir, but I'm afraid I never seem to be able to get around to it.
I know you think you look like Anthony Eden.
But you do happen to be my chief clerk and my sergeant.
WILSON: Good heavens, look.
-What? -Look there, look at it.
-Oh, morning, Mainwaring.
-You set fire to my door.
Oh, dear.
Excuse me, just a minute.
Make way.
Well done.
-Well done, Frank.
-That was very quick thinking, young man.
-Thank you, sir.
-What about the hole in my door? -Stick a bit of paper over it.
-Shall I get the stamp book? Get out.
Get out, boy.
Come and sit down, Colonel.
Sorry to barge in like this but I've got some bad news.
It's about Godfrey.
About Godfrey? Oh, dear.
Hope you're not going to say that he can't stay with the platoon.
I know Godfrey's getting on, but he's very useful to us.
And he's become a sort of father figure for the younger ones to lean on.
As long as they don't lean on him too heavily.
-I mean emotionally.
-Oh.
You know, when the bullets start flying, you won't find Godfrey throwing himself into a funk hole.
Certainly not quickly.
No, I mean, not with his his rheumatics.
No, don't worry, it's nothing to do with his being in the Home Guard.
He lives at Cherry Tree Cottage, doesn't he? -That's right, yes.
-Yes, of course, yes.
A lovely old place, yes.
A cottage with a thatched roof, a white fence hollyhocks and roses growing in the garden.
You know, it really does look like a picture of a chocolate box.
You know, whenever I pass by there, I have to stop and I say to myself, ''Well, that's it, I suppose.
''That's what we're fighting for.
'' -I couldn't have put it better myself, Wilson.
-It is what we're fighting for.
-But it's got to come down.
-What? Come down? Yes, a new aerodrome's being built and Godfrey's cottage is right in the middle of it.
Well, can nothing be done about it? No, I'm afraid not.
It's vital for the war effort.
He'll get compensation of course.
But I thought it better that you told him yourself, so that he won't get such a shock when he gets the official notice.
Well, I won't take up any more of your time.
-Cheerio.
-Goodbye, sir.
-What are we going to do about Godfrey? -Yes, poor old thing, yes.
Yes, he's been living in that cottage with his two sisters for donkey's years.
I know.
I can't possibly tell him.
Look, we'd better get Frazer and Jones over here, I think.
Pike.
-Pike! -Coming.
Mr Mainwaring? I can't get in.
Hang on, had an idea.
How dare you put your arm through my door? -Sorry, but the handle had come off.
-You've torn it! Well, it's not my fault if they give a rotten door with the handles that come off, is it? Don't use that tone of voice to me, boy.
Now, run across the road, get hold of Mr Jones, Mr Frazer, and get them over here at the double.
-Yes, sir.
-Right.
Look at that door.
It's only been up a few minutes, it's already in ruins.
-Mr Mainwaring? -Yes.
Mr Jones is in the bank, he's paying in his takings.
Very well.
Ask him to come in and then go and get Mr Frazer.
Yes, sir.
Wish we could do something for Godfrey.
I feel very deeply about this, Wilson.
Very deeply.
Why don't you lend him some money so he could possibly buy another cottage? Ah.
Well, I don't want my personal feelings to get mixed up with my position in the bank.
Mr Mainwaring, you wanted to see me? Ah, yes, please.
Jones, just a minute, I'll -Just a moment, I'll help you in.
-Sir.
Rubbish, the handle's come off.
Oh, never mind, sir.
I'll put me shoulder to it.
Oh, no, don't do that! It's only made of paper.
I'll stick another one.
Even when you can't go on sIng Well, there's the position in a nutshell.
Godfrey's cottage has to come down and the Colonel has asked me to tell him.
Hmm.
At his age, the shock could very easily kill him and you'll be responsible.
Do you hear what I said, Mr Mainwaring? You will be responsible.
Yes, all right, all right, Frazer.
Mr Mainwaring, why don't we move Mr Godfrey's cottage? Move it? Yes, we could take it to bits and put it up somewhere else.
It'd be all right.
We just have to number all the bricks and tiles.
Roof's covered with thatch.
You couldna number that.
Well, we could cut it up into slices and roll it up.
Couldn't do it on a windy day, of course.
No, no.
I think you're getting into the realms of fantasy again here, Jones.
No, no, he's not, Mr Mainwaring.
No.
In that film, Ghost Goes West, Robert Donat and Jean Arthur.
There's this American millionaire, you see, and he took a whole castle all the way from Scotland to California.
(PHONE RINGING) -See who that is, please, Wilson.
-Right.
I saw that film.
Rubbish! Their kilts hung too far below their Sassenach knees.
Yes.
Swallow Bank, yes.
What? Oh, Raymond, yes.
Just a minute.
Excuse me.
Jonesy, your boy Raymond says would you please hurry up as the offal queue is getting rather impatient.
-Well, tell him I shan't be long.
-All right.
He says he won't be very long.
Right.
Look, please, could we get on? Jones, Frazer.
All right, all right.
I'll tell him.
Goodbye.
Excuse me, sir, again.
Jonesy, your boy Raymond says that Frazer's boy, Heathcliff, has told him to move the offal queue away from the front of Frazer's shop.
Is this true, Mr Frazer? Aye, I told him to get them shifted.
How dare you interfere with my offal queue? They've no right No right at all to queue up in front of my shop.
I don't want a lot of old women gawping into my window arguing about their points.
Now look here, my offal queue doesn't want to look in your rotten window.
You've only got an old iron urn and a bit of old velvet in it.
My window's better than yours.
All it's got in it is a couple of plaster pigs with comic expressions on their faces.
It's not my fault I can't get any meat.
Look, look, please.
I know we're all very busy, but will you just give me two minutes of your attention? Now, the Colonel has asked me to tell Godfrey and I think, that is, we think Wilson and I, that perhaps you, Jones, or you, Frazer, might be better telling him.
After all, I mean, you are his contemporaries.
You mean you're trying to wriggle out of it? That's not fair.
I'll have you know that Captain Mainwaring is not only a bank manager, he's also our commanding officer and a gentleman.
And furthermore Just a minute, them plaster pigs have not got comic expressions on their faces.
They've got happy laughing faces.
(MUTTERING) -Now, please, please.
Be quiet, please.
-FRAZER: Sorry, sir.
It's no good, Wilson.
You and I are just going to have to go up to Godfrey's cottage tomorrow afternoon and tell him straight.
You better come with us, Pike.
Yes, sir.
We must grasp the nettle.
Mr Mainwaring, Mr Godfrey's garden hasn't got any nettles.
He's very proud of it.
SmIle all the way LeadIng from the Rose and Crown from Trafalgar Square Now, I don't want to hurry this, Wilson, we must pick exactly the right time to tell Godfrey.
Well, how will we know when the right time is? You know, in that film, Dangerous MoonlIght, Anton Walbrook had to tell his girlfriend he was leaving Poland forever.
So he played the piano to her to keep her mind off it.
Here! Uncle Arthur could do that.
He plays the piano ever so well.
Oh, look, sir, what lovely flowers.
Mr Mainwaring, Mr Wilson, Frank.
Hello, Mr Godfrey.
Mr Mainwaring's got something to tell you.
Hello, Godfrey.
We're just passing, thought we'd drop in and say hello.
How awfully nice of you.
You're just in time to join us at tea.
Dolly, Cissy, look who's come to tea.
Isn't that nice, Cissy? It's Mr Mainwaring and his friends.
-We must get some more chairs, Dolly.
-Oh, yes, more chairs.
What were you going to tell me, Mr Mainwaring? Oh, I was just going to say I I've never seen such lovely roses in my life.
They are lovely, aren't they? You know, this rose bush was planted by my father over 50 years ago.
Really.
Tell him quickly and then we'll go.
We can't do that, Wilson.
He's asked us to tea.
Look at that.
Perfect picture, isn't it? You know, I often say to my sisters, it doesn't matter what Hitler does, this cottage with its garden and the lovely roses will always be here.
It's what we're fighting for, isn't it? Come along.
Mr Mainwaring, are you going to tell him now or during tea? (CLEARING THROAT) During tea.
-Will you sit here, Mr Wilson? -Oh, thank you so much.
-How pretty the table looks.
-Yes.
Mr Mainwaring, shall I sit next to Mr Godfrey in case he faints when you tell him? Be quiet, boy.
Milk, everybody? I do hope you'll like this tea.
It's made from water from my own well, you know.
That's what gives it a special taste.
-Tuck in, Frank.
-Oh, thank you, Mr Godfrey.
-Bread and butter, Mr Mainwaring? -No, thank you.
I'm not hungry.
Oh, you must have one of my upside-down cakes, Mr Mainwaring.
Oh, very well.
Thank you.
You know, this bread and raspberry jam looks absolutely delicious.
I bake the bread in our old brick oven.
That's what gives it that lovely, crusty taste.
And I make the jam from our own raspberries.
You know, we're almost self-sufficient here.
This cottage and garden give us everything we need.
Mr Mainwaring, during tea.
Are you going to tell him now? After tea.
You know, it's awfully nice the way the sun brings out the colour on that wall.
Yes, the whole place has a sense of permanence.
My sisters and I often say this cottage stands for England.
Mr Mainwaring, it's after tea.
You can't wait much longer.
You got to tell him now.
You're right, Pike.
The point is, Godfrey, that -Wilson has something to say to you.
-Me? -I can't -Get on with it.
It's an order.
Yes, Mr Wilson? Well, um do you think I could have another upside-down cake? Thank you so much.
You know your trouble, Wilson? You've got no guts.
It wasn't my fault, sir.
I made it perfectly simple for you, and all you could say was, ''I want another upside-down cake.
'' I wanted another upside-down cake.
(IMITATING MACHINE GUN) Cut it out, you stupid boy.
Mr Mainwaring was very complimentary to me, you know.
He asked my advice.
He went round to Mr Godfrey's cottage on Saturday afternoon to tell him but because Mr Godfrey's two sisters were there he thought the shock would be too much for him.
Well, I agreed with him, of course.
I said Godfrey should be completely alone when we tell him.
We? -Pardon? -When ''we'' tell him? Yes, yes.
He was very grateful, of course, for my advice.
And he said he'd give us a couple of moments alone and then he'd send out Mr Godfrey with the tea.
Man, oh, man! Have you not got the sense to see that Mainwaring has left you and me holding the baby? Oh, that's not fair! It's because you and I are the most senior members of the platoon.
He said it would be more tasty for us to tell him.
Here, you will back me up, won't you? Oh, all right.
I'll manoeuvre the conversation round it for you.
That's right.
You do that.
Oh, hello, Mr Godfrey.
And what brings you out here? Mr Mainwaring thought you might like a nice hot cup of tea so I brought one out personally.
Oh, that's very nice.
-Well, put it down on the seat, please.
-Yes, certainly.
Now listen, we've got to get this over and done with quickly, so start manoeuvring the conversation round.
Godfrey, son, Jones here has got some bad news for you.
Well, how was that, eh? My turn to patrol down to the end of the promenade.
Don't leave me, don't leave me.
Chew it up, man.
Oh, man, war comes first.
Don't you want a cup of tea? No, I'll drink it when I get back.
Well, cheerio then, lads.
Cheerio.
What's the bad news, Mr Jones? What? Oh, we'll talk about that later.
Let's sit down and have a nice cup of tea, shall we? Yes.
Thank you.
Oh, well, the cup that cheers, eh? Now look here, Godfrey, in times like these we are fighting for our lives, for our very existence even, and we have to make sacrifices.
I mean, even Mr Mainwaring, he has to make sacrifices.
And what a fine man he is.
I'd put my right hand in the fire for him anytime.
When I say in the fire, I don't mean in a real fire, you know.
I mean, it wouldn't help Mr Mainwaring if I went round putting my hand in people's real fires, you know, would it? No.
I mean, I'm talking talking, you know, metaphorisically, see.
What was I talking about? I've lost the thread.
About the sacrifices Mr Mainwaring's making.
Yes, and so he is.
He's got a paper door.
Imagine a man of Mr Mainwaring's status sitting in an office with a paper door.
And what's worse, I tore it.
I mean, it's the same with houses.
You know, if a man was to come down from high government circles to me and say, you know, in a nonchalant manner, and then say to me, ''I've got to knock your house down for the war effort,'' I'd have to let him do it.
Oh, dear, I'm so sorry.
So they're going to knock yours down as well? No, they're not going to knock mine down What do you mean, as well? As well as my place.
You know, then? Oh, yes.
We had official information yesterday.
I meant to speak to Mr Mainwaring about it, but I didn't want to upset him.
Well, Mr Godfrey, what are you going to do? Oh, it's all right.
We shall manage.
Dolly and Cissy will stay with friends, we'll put our furniture in store.
Yes, but where will you go? Oh, I'll find a room somewhere.
You'll do no such thing, you'll come and stay with me.
No, no, I couldn't do that.
Of course you could.
I'll be glad of your company.
We'll get on wonderfully well.
Wonderfully well.
And after parade, we'll go home, we can have a nice glass of stout each.
I'm afraid I don't care for stout.
Don't you? Well, you could have something else to drink, couldn't you? Anyway, we could have cheese on toast.
Toasted cheese always gives me shocking indigestion.
Well, we could listen to the wireless.
You do like listening to the wireless, don't you? Oh, yes, I do.
Yes, yes.
Well, we could listen to the Forces Programme, have a good laugh.
I like the Forces Programme.
I always listen to the Home Service.
Well, we could listen to that.
We'll be all right, you'll see.
D-R-U.
Hello? Hello, operator.
I want a trunk call to London, if you please.
Aye, London.
(PHONE RINGING) -Hello? -Hello.
-Is that Sir Charles? -Yes.
The Sir Charles Renfrew McAllister? -Aye, speaking.
-My name's Frazer.
James Frazer.
What the hell do you think you're doing ringing me up in the middle of the night? It's quiet and peaceful, and it's cheaper.
-Well, what do you want? -Tell me, are you the minister in charge of building this new aerodrome at Walmington-on-Sea? Ah, now, look, if you're after a building contract, there's nothing doing.
Oh, no.
It's not that.
Well, what do you want, then? I just wanted to shift the aerodrome a wee bit.
Are you out of your mind? Sir Charles I was reading in the papers the other day about your recent knighthood.
And it went on to say that you come from a very fine, old Scottish family that can trace their origins way back to Robert the Bruce.
You haven't woken me up to discuss my ancestors? No.
I've woken you up to ask you this.
Could you possibly be the laddie with the same name whose father kept a fish and chip shop in that grand old Isle of Barra? Who was expelled from school for cheatIng? Who got that bonny, wee thIng MaIsIe MacIntosh Into trouble? And who got the sack from the draper's shop for getting his fingers caught in the till? That wouldn't be you, would it? -Certainly not.
-That's all right, then.
In that case, you won't mind me giving the whole story to a certain society magazine, will ye? Good.
It just happens I have got their phone number right here in front of me Charlie boy.
Look at poor old Mr Godfrey and his sisters.
I don't half feel sorry for them.
The war can be very cruel, you know, Pikey.
Now, sir.
We've nearly finished the loading.
Thank you, Wilson.
This is a sad day.
I wrote a letter to the minister in charge of building the airfield pointing out all the facts and I never even got a reply.
We're all in the hands of petty bureaucrats, Wilson.
Faceless men.
Here! Don't load anymore on my van.
You'll break the back axle.
Mr Mainwaring told me to put it in.
And I'm telling you to take it out! You stupid, soppy-looking boy.
Don't you call me a stupid, soppy-looking boy.
I'm going to have a word with Mainwaring about you.
Napoleon, my van won't take anymore.
And I want my money now.
The arrangement was that you would be paid ?2 out of platoon funds when the job was finished.
I want my 2 quid now! Shoot him, Mr Mainwaring.
Go on, you're entitled to.
Be quiet, Pike.
Haud on! Haud on.
Mr Mainwaring, haud on! -What is it, Frazer? -This is Mr Blackwell from the Town Hall.
They're going to move the aerodrome! Then poor old Mr Godfrey won't have to leave his home after all.
This is good news.
And I'll be able to listen to the Forces Programme.
I'm going to tell Mr Godfrey.
They're going to move the whole aerodrome Ah, so Godfrey's cottage won't be in the middle.
No.
Just on the edge.
All right.
Unload the van, men.
Here.
Just a minute.
What about my ?2? The arrangement was that you'd be paid when the job was done.
-And the job has not been done.
-You chiseller.
-I want my 2 quid! -You mind not raising your voice? -I want my money! -Come away, Wilson.
Nice, isn't it, sir? Bit different to the last time we had tea with you, Godfrey.
You remember? Mr Mainwaring was wondering how to break the news to you.
Yes.
Yes, indeed.
It must've been my letter to the minister that did it, of course.
No doubt about it, Mr Mainwaring, no doubt at all.
-What was his name? -Sir Charles Renfrew McAllister.
Fine man.
They say he could trace his ancestors back to Robert the Bruce.
We're really very grateful to you, Mr Mainwaring.
If it hadn't been for you, our peaceful little world would've come to an end.
(AIRCRAFT ROARING OVERHEAD)
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2 1 But he comes home each evenIng and he's ready wIth hIs gun So who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk old England's done? (PEN SCRATCHING IRRITABLY) -Aren't you feeling very well, Uncle Arthur? -Oh, no.
-Got a slight headache, that's all.
-Oh.
Look, Frank, do you really have to make all that noise? I've got to make up the ledgers, haven't I? -You know how fussy Mr Mainwaring is.
-Yes, I know.
Couldn't you please do it just a little bit more quietly, hmm? Use another nib or something.
It's the only nib I've got.
They're very difficult to get, you know.
-There is a war on.
-Yes, yes, yes, all right.
Anyway, if you've got a headache, it's your own fault.
By the time we finish supper, it's always so late, you never leave our house until after I've gone to bed.
And then you're back early for breakfast in the morning before I'm awake.
Well, you know, Frank, I always come round to your house for meals because your mother has my ration book.
What I can't understand is, I never hear you leave and I never hear you come back in the morning.
Well, you see, I let myself in and out very quietly.
You never do anything else quietly.
Frank, would you please stop? Just stop it, will you? Stop, stop.
Do you know your trouble, Uncle Arthur? You don't get enough sleep.
Well tonight I'm going to make sure you leave our house before I go to bed, even if I have to push you out the door myself.
I'm sorry, but it's for your own good.
-Morning, Wilson.
Pike.
-Morning, sir.
WILSON: Oh, what have you got there, sir? -A new door for my office.
-Oh, really? How lovely.
Do you realise, Wilson, it's three months now since the bank was bombed? And I don't know how many times I've applied for a new door.
Confounded red tape.
Get down, Pike.
Pike, get down.
Get down.
-Have you got my nameplate? -Yes, Mr Mainwaring, it's here.
Ah.
Look at this, Wilson.
My name in glittering gold letters.
Can't wait to put it in its rightful place.
-On the door of my office.
-Yes, well, it is rather a plain door, isn't it? Hmm? -Oh, that isn't the actual door.
-Oh.
The door's inside.
They probably put that case on to protect the panelling.
Oh, I see, I see.
Yes.
I mean, they wouldn't give me, manager of the bank, a plywood door.
Do use your intelligence sometimes, Wilson.
-Right, take the paper off.
-What paper? This is the door.
-This is made of paper.
-That's right.
Tar paper, to be exact.
Standard government issue to replace doors in bombed offices.
I can't screw my nameplate onto a paper door.
You could stick it on.
Shut up, boy.
Be quiet.
Get back to the counter.
This is monstrous.
I shall complain to head office.
Don't go on at me like that, mate.
Now, do you want us to put this thing up or not? -Oh, very well, yes.
Get on with it.
-Right.
How can I interview important clients in an office with a paper door? -Well, they use paper doors in Japan.
-What's that got to do with it? I've really no idea.
How can anybody knock on it? Well, you could put up a little notice saying, ''Don't knock, cough.
'' I'm not having people coughing and spluttering outside my door.
Just a minute.
-It's got holes in it.
What are these holes? -Don't worry about that, I'll fix that.
-Got any stamp paper? -Oh, yes, sure.
Hang on.
-Here you are.
-Ta.
There we are.
Good as new, eh? I can't have white spots all over the door.
You're a fussy little fellow, aren't you? That suit? -Come in the office, Wilson.
-All right, sir.
-I must speak to those cleaning ladies.
-Yes.
-Mr Mainwaring, Mr Mainwaring.
-Yes.
The Colonel's outside.
Like a word with you.
-Tell him I shan't be a minute.
-Yes, sir.
And while we're on the subject of tidiness, it's about time you had a haircut.
I'm terribly sorry, sir, but I'm afraid I never seem to be able to get around to it.
I know you think you look like Anthony Eden.
But you do happen to be my chief clerk and my sergeant.
WILSON: Good heavens, look.
-What? -Look there, look at it.
-Oh, morning, Mainwaring.
-You set fire to my door.
Oh, dear.
Excuse me, just a minute.
Make way.
Well done.
-Well done, Frank.
-That was very quick thinking, young man.
-Thank you, sir.
-What about the hole in my door? -Stick a bit of paper over it.
-Shall I get the stamp book? Get out.
Get out, boy.
Come and sit down, Colonel.
Sorry to barge in like this but I've got some bad news.
It's about Godfrey.
About Godfrey? Oh, dear.
Hope you're not going to say that he can't stay with the platoon.
I know Godfrey's getting on, but he's very useful to us.
And he's become a sort of father figure for the younger ones to lean on.
As long as they don't lean on him too heavily.
-I mean emotionally.
-Oh.
You know, when the bullets start flying, you won't find Godfrey throwing himself into a funk hole.
Certainly not quickly.
No, I mean, not with his his rheumatics.
No, don't worry, it's nothing to do with his being in the Home Guard.
He lives at Cherry Tree Cottage, doesn't he? -That's right, yes.
-Yes, of course, yes.
A lovely old place, yes.
A cottage with a thatched roof, a white fence hollyhocks and roses growing in the garden.
You know, it really does look like a picture of a chocolate box.
You know, whenever I pass by there, I have to stop and I say to myself, ''Well, that's it, I suppose.
''That's what we're fighting for.
'' -I couldn't have put it better myself, Wilson.
-It is what we're fighting for.
-But it's got to come down.
-What? Come down? Yes, a new aerodrome's being built and Godfrey's cottage is right in the middle of it.
Well, can nothing be done about it? No, I'm afraid not.
It's vital for the war effort.
He'll get compensation of course.
But I thought it better that you told him yourself, so that he won't get such a shock when he gets the official notice.
Well, I won't take up any more of your time.
-Cheerio.
-Goodbye, sir.
-What are we going to do about Godfrey? -Yes, poor old thing, yes.
Yes, he's been living in that cottage with his two sisters for donkey's years.
I know.
I can't possibly tell him.
Look, we'd better get Frazer and Jones over here, I think.
Pike.
-Pike! -Coming.
Mr Mainwaring? I can't get in.
Hang on, had an idea.
How dare you put your arm through my door? -Sorry, but the handle had come off.
-You've torn it! Well, it's not my fault if they give a rotten door with the handles that come off, is it? Don't use that tone of voice to me, boy.
Now, run across the road, get hold of Mr Jones, Mr Frazer, and get them over here at the double.
-Yes, sir.
-Right.
Look at that door.
It's only been up a few minutes, it's already in ruins.
-Mr Mainwaring? -Yes.
Mr Jones is in the bank, he's paying in his takings.
Very well.
Ask him to come in and then go and get Mr Frazer.
Yes, sir.
Wish we could do something for Godfrey.
I feel very deeply about this, Wilson.
Very deeply.
Why don't you lend him some money so he could possibly buy another cottage? Ah.
Well, I don't want my personal feelings to get mixed up with my position in the bank.
Mr Mainwaring, you wanted to see me? Ah, yes, please.
Jones, just a minute, I'll -Just a moment, I'll help you in.
-Sir.
Rubbish, the handle's come off.
Oh, never mind, sir.
I'll put me shoulder to it.
Oh, no, don't do that! It's only made of paper.
I'll stick another one.
Even when you can't go on sIng Well, there's the position in a nutshell.
Godfrey's cottage has to come down and the Colonel has asked me to tell him.
Hmm.
At his age, the shock could very easily kill him and you'll be responsible.
Do you hear what I said, Mr Mainwaring? You will be responsible.
Yes, all right, all right, Frazer.
Mr Mainwaring, why don't we move Mr Godfrey's cottage? Move it? Yes, we could take it to bits and put it up somewhere else.
It'd be all right.
We just have to number all the bricks and tiles.
Roof's covered with thatch.
You couldna number that.
Well, we could cut it up into slices and roll it up.
Couldn't do it on a windy day, of course.
No, no.
I think you're getting into the realms of fantasy again here, Jones.
No, no, he's not, Mr Mainwaring.
No.
In that film, Ghost Goes West, Robert Donat and Jean Arthur.
There's this American millionaire, you see, and he took a whole castle all the way from Scotland to California.
(PHONE RINGING) -See who that is, please, Wilson.
-Right.
I saw that film.
Rubbish! Their kilts hung too far below their Sassenach knees.
Yes.
Swallow Bank, yes.
What? Oh, Raymond, yes.
Just a minute.
Excuse me.
Jonesy, your boy Raymond says would you please hurry up as the offal queue is getting rather impatient.
-Well, tell him I shan't be long.
-All right.
He says he won't be very long.
Right.
Look, please, could we get on? Jones, Frazer.
All right, all right.
I'll tell him.
Goodbye.
Excuse me, sir, again.
Jonesy, your boy Raymond says that Frazer's boy, Heathcliff, has told him to move the offal queue away from the front of Frazer's shop.
Is this true, Mr Frazer? Aye, I told him to get them shifted.
How dare you interfere with my offal queue? They've no right No right at all to queue up in front of my shop.
I don't want a lot of old women gawping into my window arguing about their points.
Now look here, my offal queue doesn't want to look in your rotten window.
You've only got an old iron urn and a bit of old velvet in it.
My window's better than yours.
All it's got in it is a couple of plaster pigs with comic expressions on their faces.
It's not my fault I can't get any meat.
Look, look, please.
I know we're all very busy, but will you just give me two minutes of your attention? Now, the Colonel has asked me to tell Godfrey and I think, that is, we think Wilson and I, that perhaps you, Jones, or you, Frazer, might be better telling him.
After all, I mean, you are his contemporaries.
You mean you're trying to wriggle out of it? That's not fair.
I'll have you know that Captain Mainwaring is not only a bank manager, he's also our commanding officer and a gentleman.
And furthermore Just a minute, them plaster pigs have not got comic expressions on their faces.
They've got happy laughing faces.
(MUTTERING) -Now, please, please.
Be quiet, please.
-FRAZER: Sorry, sir.
It's no good, Wilson.
You and I are just going to have to go up to Godfrey's cottage tomorrow afternoon and tell him straight.
You better come with us, Pike.
Yes, sir.
We must grasp the nettle.
Mr Mainwaring, Mr Godfrey's garden hasn't got any nettles.
He's very proud of it.
SmIle all the way LeadIng from the Rose and Crown from Trafalgar Square Now, I don't want to hurry this, Wilson, we must pick exactly the right time to tell Godfrey.
Well, how will we know when the right time is? You know, in that film, Dangerous MoonlIght, Anton Walbrook had to tell his girlfriend he was leaving Poland forever.
So he played the piano to her to keep her mind off it.
Here! Uncle Arthur could do that.
He plays the piano ever so well.
Oh, look, sir, what lovely flowers.
Mr Mainwaring, Mr Wilson, Frank.
Hello, Mr Godfrey.
Mr Mainwaring's got something to tell you.
Hello, Godfrey.
We're just passing, thought we'd drop in and say hello.
How awfully nice of you.
You're just in time to join us at tea.
Dolly, Cissy, look who's come to tea.
Isn't that nice, Cissy? It's Mr Mainwaring and his friends.
-We must get some more chairs, Dolly.
-Oh, yes, more chairs.
What were you going to tell me, Mr Mainwaring? Oh, I was just going to say I I've never seen such lovely roses in my life.
They are lovely, aren't they? You know, this rose bush was planted by my father over 50 years ago.
Really.
Tell him quickly and then we'll go.
We can't do that, Wilson.
He's asked us to tea.
Look at that.
Perfect picture, isn't it? You know, I often say to my sisters, it doesn't matter what Hitler does, this cottage with its garden and the lovely roses will always be here.
It's what we're fighting for, isn't it? Come along.
Mr Mainwaring, are you going to tell him now or during tea? (CLEARING THROAT) During tea.
-Will you sit here, Mr Wilson? -Oh, thank you so much.
-How pretty the table looks.
-Yes.
Mr Mainwaring, shall I sit next to Mr Godfrey in case he faints when you tell him? Be quiet, boy.
Milk, everybody? I do hope you'll like this tea.
It's made from water from my own well, you know.
That's what gives it a special taste.
-Tuck in, Frank.
-Oh, thank you, Mr Godfrey.
-Bread and butter, Mr Mainwaring? -No, thank you.
I'm not hungry.
Oh, you must have one of my upside-down cakes, Mr Mainwaring.
Oh, very well.
Thank you.
You know, this bread and raspberry jam looks absolutely delicious.
I bake the bread in our old brick oven.
That's what gives it that lovely, crusty taste.
And I make the jam from our own raspberries.
You know, we're almost self-sufficient here.
This cottage and garden give us everything we need.
Mr Mainwaring, during tea.
Are you going to tell him now? After tea.
You know, it's awfully nice the way the sun brings out the colour on that wall.
Yes, the whole place has a sense of permanence.
My sisters and I often say this cottage stands for England.
Mr Mainwaring, it's after tea.
You can't wait much longer.
You got to tell him now.
You're right, Pike.
The point is, Godfrey, that -Wilson has something to say to you.
-Me? -I can't -Get on with it.
It's an order.
Yes, Mr Wilson? Well, um do you think I could have another upside-down cake? Thank you so much.
You know your trouble, Wilson? You've got no guts.
It wasn't my fault, sir.
I made it perfectly simple for you, and all you could say was, ''I want another upside-down cake.
'' I wanted another upside-down cake.
(IMITATING MACHINE GUN) Cut it out, you stupid boy.
Mr Mainwaring was very complimentary to me, you know.
He asked my advice.
He went round to Mr Godfrey's cottage on Saturday afternoon to tell him but because Mr Godfrey's two sisters were there he thought the shock would be too much for him.
Well, I agreed with him, of course.
I said Godfrey should be completely alone when we tell him.
We? -Pardon? -When ''we'' tell him? Yes, yes.
He was very grateful, of course, for my advice.
And he said he'd give us a couple of moments alone and then he'd send out Mr Godfrey with the tea.
Man, oh, man! Have you not got the sense to see that Mainwaring has left you and me holding the baby? Oh, that's not fair! It's because you and I are the most senior members of the platoon.
He said it would be more tasty for us to tell him.
Here, you will back me up, won't you? Oh, all right.
I'll manoeuvre the conversation round it for you.
That's right.
You do that.
Oh, hello, Mr Godfrey.
And what brings you out here? Mr Mainwaring thought you might like a nice hot cup of tea so I brought one out personally.
Oh, that's very nice.
-Well, put it down on the seat, please.
-Yes, certainly.
Now listen, we've got to get this over and done with quickly, so start manoeuvring the conversation round.
Godfrey, son, Jones here has got some bad news for you.
Well, how was that, eh? My turn to patrol down to the end of the promenade.
Don't leave me, don't leave me.
Chew it up, man.
Oh, man, war comes first.
Don't you want a cup of tea? No, I'll drink it when I get back.
Well, cheerio then, lads.
Cheerio.
What's the bad news, Mr Jones? What? Oh, we'll talk about that later.
Let's sit down and have a nice cup of tea, shall we? Yes.
Thank you.
Oh, well, the cup that cheers, eh? Now look here, Godfrey, in times like these we are fighting for our lives, for our very existence even, and we have to make sacrifices.
I mean, even Mr Mainwaring, he has to make sacrifices.
And what a fine man he is.
I'd put my right hand in the fire for him anytime.
When I say in the fire, I don't mean in a real fire, you know.
I mean, it wouldn't help Mr Mainwaring if I went round putting my hand in people's real fires, you know, would it? No.
I mean, I'm talking talking, you know, metaphorisically, see.
What was I talking about? I've lost the thread.
About the sacrifices Mr Mainwaring's making.
Yes, and so he is.
He's got a paper door.
Imagine a man of Mr Mainwaring's status sitting in an office with a paper door.
And what's worse, I tore it.
I mean, it's the same with houses.
You know, if a man was to come down from high government circles to me and say, you know, in a nonchalant manner, and then say to me, ''I've got to knock your house down for the war effort,'' I'd have to let him do it.
Oh, dear, I'm so sorry.
So they're going to knock yours down as well? No, they're not going to knock mine down What do you mean, as well? As well as my place.
You know, then? Oh, yes.
We had official information yesterday.
I meant to speak to Mr Mainwaring about it, but I didn't want to upset him.
Well, Mr Godfrey, what are you going to do? Oh, it's all right.
We shall manage.
Dolly and Cissy will stay with friends, we'll put our furniture in store.
Yes, but where will you go? Oh, I'll find a room somewhere.
You'll do no such thing, you'll come and stay with me.
No, no, I couldn't do that.
Of course you could.
I'll be glad of your company.
We'll get on wonderfully well.
Wonderfully well.
And after parade, we'll go home, we can have a nice glass of stout each.
I'm afraid I don't care for stout.
Don't you? Well, you could have something else to drink, couldn't you? Anyway, we could have cheese on toast.
Toasted cheese always gives me shocking indigestion.
Well, we could listen to the wireless.
You do like listening to the wireless, don't you? Oh, yes, I do.
Yes, yes.
Well, we could listen to the Forces Programme, have a good laugh.
I like the Forces Programme.
I always listen to the Home Service.
Well, we could listen to that.
We'll be all right, you'll see.
D-R-U.
Hello? Hello, operator.
I want a trunk call to London, if you please.
Aye, London.
(PHONE RINGING) -Hello? -Hello.
-Is that Sir Charles? -Yes.
The Sir Charles Renfrew McAllister? -Aye, speaking.
-My name's Frazer.
James Frazer.
What the hell do you think you're doing ringing me up in the middle of the night? It's quiet and peaceful, and it's cheaper.
-Well, what do you want? -Tell me, are you the minister in charge of building this new aerodrome at Walmington-on-Sea? Ah, now, look, if you're after a building contract, there's nothing doing.
Oh, no.
It's not that.
Well, what do you want, then? I just wanted to shift the aerodrome a wee bit.
Are you out of your mind? Sir Charles I was reading in the papers the other day about your recent knighthood.
And it went on to say that you come from a very fine, old Scottish family that can trace their origins way back to Robert the Bruce.
You haven't woken me up to discuss my ancestors? No.
I've woken you up to ask you this.
Could you possibly be the laddie with the same name whose father kept a fish and chip shop in that grand old Isle of Barra? Who was expelled from school for cheatIng? Who got that bonny, wee thIng MaIsIe MacIntosh Into trouble? And who got the sack from the draper's shop for getting his fingers caught in the till? That wouldn't be you, would it? -Certainly not.
-That's all right, then.
In that case, you won't mind me giving the whole story to a certain society magazine, will ye? Good.
It just happens I have got their phone number right here in front of me Charlie boy.
Look at poor old Mr Godfrey and his sisters.
I don't half feel sorry for them.
The war can be very cruel, you know, Pikey.
Now, sir.
We've nearly finished the loading.
Thank you, Wilson.
This is a sad day.
I wrote a letter to the minister in charge of building the airfield pointing out all the facts and I never even got a reply.
We're all in the hands of petty bureaucrats, Wilson.
Faceless men.
Here! Don't load anymore on my van.
You'll break the back axle.
Mr Mainwaring told me to put it in.
And I'm telling you to take it out! You stupid, soppy-looking boy.
Don't you call me a stupid, soppy-looking boy.
I'm going to have a word with Mainwaring about you.
Napoleon, my van won't take anymore.
And I want my money now.
The arrangement was that you would be paid ?2 out of platoon funds when the job was finished.
I want my 2 quid now! Shoot him, Mr Mainwaring.
Go on, you're entitled to.
Be quiet, Pike.
Haud on! Haud on.
Mr Mainwaring, haud on! -What is it, Frazer? -This is Mr Blackwell from the Town Hall.
They're going to move the aerodrome! Then poor old Mr Godfrey won't have to leave his home after all.
This is good news.
And I'll be able to listen to the Forces Programme.
I'm going to tell Mr Godfrey.
They're going to move the whole aerodrome Ah, so Godfrey's cottage won't be in the middle.
No.
Just on the edge.
All right.
Unload the van, men.
Here.
Just a minute.
What about my ?2? The arrangement was that you'd be paid when the job was done.
-And the job has not been done.
-You chiseller.
-I want my 2 quid! -You mind not raising your voice? -I want my money! -Come away, Wilson.
Nice, isn't it, sir? Bit different to the last time we had tea with you, Godfrey.
You remember? Mr Mainwaring was wondering how to break the news to you.
Yes.
Yes, indeed.
It must've been my letter to the minister that did it, of course.
No doubt about it, Mr Mainwaring, no doubt at all.
-What was his name? -Sir Charles Renfrew McAllister.
Fine man.
They say he could trace his ancestors back to Robert the Bruce.
We're really very grateful to you, Mr Mainwaring.
If it hadn't been for you, our peaceful little world would've come to an end.
(AIRCRAFT ROARING OVERHEAD)