Dan for Mayor (2010) s01e02 Episode Script

Enter Wheel O

Previously on Dan for Mayor.
Hi, Dan.
By the way, I'm getting married to Mike.
Wow.
Yeah, I got news too.
I'm running for mayor.
I'm Bud Calgrove.
I'm running for re-election as mayor.
Bud is unbeatable.
Good night, Mr.
Mayor.
Oh, my God.
I really am going to be mayor.
Bud Calgrove, mayor of Wessex, dead at 53.
I can't believe I'm going to be mayor.
Hold on.
We don't know that for sure.
There were two candidates.
One of them got hit by a bus.
Did I get hit by a bus? No.
Then it's looking pretty good for me.
It's just weird.
He was only 53.
Well, 53.
In the Middle Ages he'd already have had a long life.
In the Middle Ages he wouldn't be hit by a bus.
He could have been hit by a cart.
It'd have to be booking.
A boat? Anyway, I think I'm mayor.
Are you ready for this, Dan? Are you really ready? Not now, okay.
Yeah, Al, shouldn't you be grieving or something? Leave Dan alone.
Sorry, I just wanted to know if he was ready to be mayor.
I didn't mean to upset anyone.
The mayor's twin brother has always creeped me out.
Yeah.
It's a sad day.
Bud Calgrove was far too young a man.
Yeah, for modern times.
But not in the Middle Ages.
Still it's a tragedy.
Ye You know he was hoping to get some of those hybrid buses.
I think he would have preferred to be killed by one of those.
Yeah, that would be more ecological.
Anyway, Wessex needs a leader, and as deputy mayor, I'm in charge.
Right.
Until we take over.
Well, that's why I wanted to talk to you.
There's a city council meeting coming up and I'd like you to attend.
Ah, I get it.
Address the troops kind of thing.
To drop out of the race.
Oh.
And if I drop out of the race, how do I get to be mayor? Oh, you don't.
Right.
Okay, pretend for a moment that I'm not following this.
Sad about the mayor getting killed.
Let it go.
It happened yesterday.
Let it go.
I've got big news.
You're shaving off your moustache? No, the rake factory's shutting down.
What's wrong with my moustache? Nothing.
I-- I like your moustache.
It's shutting down? Robinson Rakes.
Yeah, I just got word.
They're shutting down local operations and moving to Mexico.
I think you don't like my moustache.
It's nice, in a cowboy, rodeo kind of way.
Rodeo.
Like, gay rodeo? The rake factory employs a lot of people.
This is bad for the city.
This is bad for business.
I supply them.
I thought it was more of, like, a cop moustache.
Cowboy.
Cop.
They're all part of the Village People.
So, what purpose is served by Dan quitting, other than I don't have to come down here in the middle of the day for this sort of meeting? Well, the city charter says if you drop out, we can open up the election to a full field of candidates.
You know, real candidates.
I'm a real candidate.
Right, Jeff? You're the only candidate.
Thanks.
Well, I'm not quitting.
Okay.
Let me try this scenario Please.
No.
Okay.
I didn't want to have to do this.
You're not going to like it.
What? I'm going to check your paperwork.
Somehow I'm not scared.
Well, you should be.
One mistake and you're out.
Yeah, you do what you do and I'll do what I do, but what I'm going to do is be mayor.
Because I'm alive and he's dead.
Unless I get hit by a bus, and I normally cross at corners.
You know, we were friends in high school so, uh Yeah.
So Dan's going to be mayor no matter what? Dan's going to be mayor? What are you talking about.
Dan's running for mayor.
Remember? We all had drinks and toasted him? I remember drinking.
Anyway, looks like Dan's a shoo-in, and there's nothing anybody can do about it.
You're his campaign manager.
You don't seem happy.
Oh, I'm happy.
You know, I'm his friend, so I think it's a good idea.
What do you think? I'm his friend too, so sure, good idea.
Yeah, so we both think it's a good idea.
Hey, guys.
Hey, Dan.
Congratulations.
Oh, yeah, you know, it was a long haul, but I entered the race and now here I am.
Hey, listen, I was thinking about what that guy said.
Which guy? The mayor's little helper guy.
The deputy mayor? Yeah.
We've got to make sure we did this paperwork right.
Well, doing paperwork's not really my thing.
I could copy it.
I could copy the hell out of it.
It's got to be ironclad.
Better than ironclad.
Laserproof.
We need somebody who deals with documents every day.
No, I'm not doing it.
Okay, let me try this scenario Please? Tell Mr.
Robinson he's got to meet with me directly.
This is a big order to cancel.
Thank you.
Oh, the rake factory shutting down is killing me.
This is so like Dan.
He assumes everything is about himself.
He's completely oblivious.
That is annoying.
Dan just assumes he can give me a bunch of work and I'll do it.
You are doing it.
That's not the point.
Well, maybe it is.
I'm just glad you're with me now.
So am I.
Anyways, Dan shouldn't assume he's going to be mayor.
I checked the bylaws.
Dan could lose.
To Bud? He's dead.
He's still on the ballot.
If Bud wins, the deputy mayor becomes mayor.
Well, that's great.
You have to tell Alan.
Oh, I don't know.
I haven't even told Dan yet-- Hey, Alan, come here, you got to listen to this.
We got to think about how people are going to react to you being mayor.
No problem.
They'll get behind me.
Hey, Mr.
Mayor, if I may have the floor, what's municipal policy on pouring a pint for table two? On it.
Thank you, Your Eminence.
She been like that all day? Yeah, she just likes teasing me.
Underneath it, she's a supporter.
No, I love teasing you and underneath it I think you'll turn the town into a smoking crater.
What? You want to run the city and you can't even pull a beer.
You distracted me.
And that'll never happen once you're mayor.
Smoking crater.
I know how to pour beer.
I know.
It doesn't always come up foam.
Half the time, tops.
I'm really good at mixed drinks.
I hate to come off sounding like Bud's creepy twin, but you sure you're ready for this? A lot of responsibility comes with that necklace.
Necklace? You know, like mayors wear on TV.
Huh? It's called the chain of office.
I saw it on the Internet.
It comes up when you do a search for chains and such.
Hey, Your Worship, you're on TV.
This is Dan.
When did we buy TV ads? We didn't.
Dan is a lifetime loser Oh, nice reverse psychology.
with no experience.
Do you want him to be your mayor? Vote for Bud Calgrove.
Wow.
Chain looks good, though.
A dead guy is running attack ads against me.
That's kind of in poor taste.
Yeah.
A message from Deputy Mayor Alan Duffy.
You guys want to see it again? I taped it.
Hi, there, vote Bud.
You got my vote.
Hey, vote Bud.
He's still the best man.
Vote Bud.
Best man for the job.
What's with the attack ads? Oh, I know.
My picture's a little fuzzy.
But timelines were tight.
So you run attack ads for no reason? Why would you do that? Well, not for no reason.
It turns out if Bud wins, the deputy mayor takes over.
And that's me.
That's a crock.
It's in the city charter.
A legally binding crock.
May the best man win.
May the best living man win! Well, it was good while it lasted.
Come on.
We're going to beat a dead guy.
Sorry, we're voting for Bud.
Bud's got my vote.
You know he's dead, right? We always vote for Bud.
And I don't care for your negative campaigning.
Can we count on your support? No, I'm a Bud Calgrove gal.
Oh, I-- I understand.
You always vote for Bud and No, I've never voted for him before.
I just think this year he's the best guy.
Oh, but We vote for Bud Calgrove in this house.
Oh, enough with Bud Calgrove.
Don't you get it, lady? He's dead.
Dead, dead, dead.
I know.
I'm his widow.
I'm very sorry for your loss.
A message from Deputy Mayor Alan Duffy.
Mike, have you seen these attack ads? Yeah, they're great, aren't they? They make Dan look like an idiot.
All because you blabbed to Alan Duffy.
Honey, this is a relationship.
In a relationship you're supposed to be able to share secrets.
With each other, not with the guy at the next table.
Oh.
Well, this might make you feel better.
I'm talking to Mr.
Robinson from the rake factory.
Why? Going to persuade him to stay in the city.
The business community takes care of its own.
No, I mean why would you think that would make me feel better? This knocking on people's doors talking to strangers thing is less fun than you'd think.
You thought it would be fun? No.
And it's less fun than that.
Oh, you're running for mayor? That's terrific.
Really? I mean, yes it is.
So can we count on your support? No, I was just being polite.
Oh, hello, what's broken now? Train set? Water pistol? I'm running for mayor.
No, be serious.
Vote Dan.
Who's Dan? I am.
Do you have something we can read? Oh.
This is a flyer for Fern's Bar and Grill.
It's all I had.
It shows he has steady employment.
This is the best I can do? A dead man or you? Oh, can I have the flyer? Oh, thank you.
I could use the coupon.
Sorry about my aunt.
She could have at least pretended to be interested in your campaign, like I did.
Yeah.
So do you need me to keep pretending to be interested? No, we're good.
Thanks.
"Dead Mayor Leads Drunken Barkeep.
" There's one for the scrapbook.
I'm not drunk.
You are in that picture.
But that's on my Facebook.
It's a good picture.
People think I I look friendly.
Hey, Dan why are you in the paper Because I'm running for mar.
r.
Of Wessex? Cool, man.
Good luck.
The rake business is brutal right now.
I can't turn a profit.
Whether's a garden rake or a lawn rake Sure, but in terms of local suppliers, you could-- Or a groundskeeper rake.
Look at pivot rakes.
Normally they move this time of year.
Even shrub rakes aren't selling.
Granted, but-- Shrub rakes.
But, do you think? Hand rakes, thatch and groom rakes, steelhead rakes, 12 or 18 tine.
Claire, Claire.
You remember Mr.
Robinson from the rake factory.
Yes.
We really want you to stay.
Sure, I'll have another beer.
My wife thinks I have a problem.
I meant the factory.
Well, that-- That-- That's tough.
The recession's hit garden tools.
Rake-hoe, shovel sets.
Hand rakes, landscape rakes.
I'm going to go get the bill.
I'll get it.
See what most people don't appreciate is that a rake is not a cheap thing to make.
Cheque, please.
Good to see you too.
Sorry about the newspaper and the attack ads.
It's mean.
Don't feel bad about it.
It's not your fault.
My fault? No.
No.
Don't leave me alone with the rake guy.
Is that the rake guy? His wife phones here all the time.
Yeah, he's pretty committed to shutting down the rake factory.
It's bad news for rakeys.
"Rakeys"? In the rake biz that's what they call people who make their living from the old rake game.
They call us "normals.
" I'll get the car.
Don't get down, Dan.
You'd be a great mayor, if the town was in such good shape that it didn't matter if we had a bad mayor.
Why are you so convinced I'd be a bad mayor? It's not that.
Well, it is that.
You have no experience.
You jump into things without thinking.
Yeah, in your opinion.
I agree with Claire.
I'm with her too.
Can I get another beer? Sure.
And I also agree with her.
Maybe mayor's not your thing, Dan.
Hey, my name's Dan.
Would you like a free beer? Yeah, okay.
Okay.
So, let's talk rakes.
"Drunken Barkeep Saves Rake Factory.
" Still think I'll turn the town into a smoking crater? Okay, now in my imagination there's no smoke.
No smoke.
That's progress.
Yeah, and notice she didn't make an explosion sound.
Of course she's going to do it once I bring it up.
This is good.
We've got people's attention.
Now we just need to point out your good qualities.
Right.
Any ideas? Well, let's start with this.
How'd you pull this off? I just told him that once I become mayor, I'll change the town slogan to "Canada's Rake City.
" Oh.
And we've got to tweak Founder's Day parade.
Rake Day parade? Yeah.
And I sort of promised we'd ban leaf blowers.
But mostly he just wanted to be listened to.
And drink free beer.
You see, that could be our slogan.
Free beer? Great idea! No, the listening part.
Huh? "Dan.
He's a bartender.
He knows how to listen.
" You see, when you shut up and start listening, you make a good candidate.
Thanks.
Hey, did you know that there's 18 types of rakes? The tines are Yeah, yeah.
Remember the "shut up" part.
It's always a pleasure to talk to a small businessman.
Woman.
I mean, I believe both sexes can be businessmen.
Right.
So this bartender who is running against you.
Dan.
Don't worry about him.
Well, as a businesswoman, or businessman as you'd say, I am worried that he might get in.
Won't happen.
He did save the rake factory.
And this new slogan I'm getting my own slogan too.
Bud Calgrove: Change you can believe in.
But you're the status quo.
Status quo you can believe in.
And none of this would be happening without this guy, eh? Mm, hey, buddy.
Here is the man.
Mike here's the guy that figured out that if Bud wins, we win.
To be fair, it was actually my fiancée Claire who figured it out, which is kind of ironic.
Oh, how so? Well, she used to date Dan.
Oh.
Yeah, Claire has horrible taste in men.
Hey, way to save the rake factory man.
Oh, thanks.
Good job, Dan.
You made the city proud.
Would you get out of here? Fine.
I'm leaving.
Hey.
Hey.
Can I get a decaf? Sure.
Are you sure that's decaf? Yeah, it's decaf.
Because normally it has an orange It's decaf.
I just brewed it.
Okay.
Hey, by the way, nice job with the rake factory.
I didn't know you had it in you.
You know, I'm going down to city hall and pitch Rake Day.
Good.
You should come down and watch.
Oh, I don't know if-- Or not.
I mean it doesn't matter.
I have a yoga class.
Yeah, yeah, no, that's cool.
I'm sorry.
No, no.
I mean, if you hadn't lit a fire under me, I would never have talked to the rake guy.
So I kind of owe you.
No, you don't, really.
I should go.
Are you sure it was--? It was decaf.
Okay.
Hey, Danno.
Yeah? This poster here-- Yes, Fern.
I'm running for mayor.
That's why I put up the poster, because I'm running for mayor.
Of Wessex.
I know.
You won't shut up about it.
Oh.
Next time, mention Fern's, okay? "Dan.
He's a bartender at Fern's.
He knows how to listen.
" Will do.
It's a simple thing.
Hey.
Oh, hey.
What are you doing here? Thought I'd offer some support.
Plus I wasn't in the mood for yoga.
Too jittery for some reason.
Oh, well, thanks for coming.
You're welcome.
Nice outfit.
Dan, I wanted to talk to you.
I think this city needs a real mayor.
Well, Anita-- In Dan's defence, he did stop Mr.
Robinson from moving his factory.
I'm sorry, you are? I'm Claire Kendall.
Oh, the outfit, yeah.
I was going to go to yoga and then I thought I had some decaf that wasn't decaf and I couldn't relax and now I'm talking too much and then I thought I should come and support Dan because we used to date.
Oh, you're the woman with bad taste in men that's engaged to Mike.
I wouldn't say bad taste.
Aren't you the one that figured out Alan Duffy could run against him? That's what I heard.
What? Uh I guess this is a bad time.
Sorry.
You told him to run attack ads? Dan, you have to understand.
That was before.
I didn't think-- What? That I'm a grown-up? That I could get a job done? Hey, guys, look what I made.
"Got listen?" I can't do this.
Uh-oh.
I did 500 of these.
On a personal note, it is unfortunate that I'm forced to run under Bud Calgrove's name, but seeing as my opponent refuses to do the right thing and step aside, I have no choice.
Now, first item, we-- Oh, well, yeah, we need a pedestrian crossing light in front of city hall.
Excuse me, I-- I'd like to say something.
No, that's not really part of the-- Thanks.
I thought I could just walk in here and become mayor.
And everyone said I should quit.
Even the one person I should be able to count on the most: my ex-girlfriend.
That's why I'm dropping out of the race.
And that's why, once the race is open to everybody, I want to put my name back in.
I do intend to be mayor of this city, but I'm going to earn it.
Together we'll make Wessex not only the best rake city in Canada, but the best rake city in the world.
He doesn't stand a chance now, does he? Against living people? No.
Thanks.
Thanks.
Oh, there was a $1,000 entrance fee.
I-- I don't have to pay that again, do I? This is going to be a lot tougher now.
Five candidates so far.
And a joke candidate.
For the last time, I'm not a joke candidate.
Not-- Not you.
The guy on the unicycle.
Wheel-o's a joke candidate? I'm very happy.
This city deserves a real election.
I hope I can count on your support.
I don't think so.
I'm running against you.
What? You are? Well, this city deserves the best, not just the best of a bad lot.
Best of a bad lot? That's a swipe at me.
No, she meant me.
It's a swipe at both of you.
You're the bad lot.
Oh, right, right.
But I'm the best.
Excuse me, can I get a picture of the candidates? Go.
I can't believe I'm not in the photo.
Why would you be in the photo? I'm running for mayor.