Dan for Mayor (2010) s01e04 Episode Script

Inside the War Room

NARRATOR: Previously on Dan for Mayor Oh, you're running for mayor? That's terrific.
Really? I mean, yes, it is.
You know Alan, Wessex's next mayor.
I hope I can count on your support.
I don't think so.
I'm running against you.
Your big sale with the city not going well? Well, it'll go as long as Alan wins.
Welcome to the team.
Oh, I hope this doesn't make you feel awkward.
No, no, it's fine.
(Mouthing words) It's just that Fern's takeout is so good, and I have volunteers to feed.
So many volunteers, working such long hours for me.
Yeah, I see that.
Well, you know what it's like to work hard.
And this is for you.
We need a campaign office, a place for volunteers to work.
And by "volunteers," you mean me.
And me.
Well, you and me can't afford it.
People need to take me seriously.
People do take you seriously.
Thanks for the takeout.
Oh, yeah.
Here you go.
Anita gave me a toonie.
I'm not Anita.
Can I have a beer? Oh, I don't know.
Do we have enough money for a beer? We don't have enough for a campaign office.
Look, I'm sorry.
We can't afford a campaign office.
We can't afford a picture of a campaign office.
Hey, if you guys need a place to hang your hat, I got a backroom behind the bar.
No, I don't want a crummy little backroom.
I want a real office.
Don't dis my back room.
I'm sure it's very nice.
Don't patronize it either.
You were a little patronizing.
I want you to look into this.
I just don't think it's realistic.
What about this campaign is realistic? Okay, you got me.
I'll see what I can find.
Yes! This is going to be so cool.
Like our own Batcave.
It could in fact be a bat-infested hole in the earth, yes.
Taxpayer report card, that sounds intimidating.
Oh, it's very simple.
You answer a few questions, and we at the Chamber of Commerce grade your answers based on taxpayer impact, conflicts of interest, etc.
"A" means your platform is taxpayer friendly, "B," less so.
"C," even less.
And so forth.
Good, well, let's get this-- "D" is less than "C.
" Right, so-- "F" would be a fail.
Yeah, I hope this report card gets points for posture, because I'm always really good at posture.
(Chuckling) Seriously.
Now in the spirit of full disclosure, I should mention that my fiancé, Mike Norman, has a deal to sell computers to the city.
Your fiancé? Yes.
An untendered--? You know what? That's exactly the kind of question we need to answer when we do the actual interview.
I'm sorry? Oh we can't do it right now.
But we will try to squeeze it in sometime before the election.
Either way.
When can we--? Call Claire and she'll schedule it.
When do I call her? Call me and I'll set up a time when you can call her.
Thanks! What the hell was that? I didn't do anything.
You should have followed my lead and kept the conversation about posture.
DAN: This would be a great campaign office! This is the one.
It's got to be this one.
I love it! Good negotiation technique.
You can work out here.
In the back there's a place for my war room.
I've always wanted a war room! I'm the one negotiating, not him.
We've got to get this place.
I don't care what it costs! Well, now that we've talked you down, what's it cost? You know, the backroom will be fine.
No problem-o guys.
It's a little small but I bet you can put your stuff in here.
Oh, I, ah (Laughing) Relax, I'm pulling your chain.
Oh, you should have seen the looks on your faces.
You got us.
My chain is totally pulled right now.
I'm not going to put my main man in a supply closet.
The room's in here.
That's funny.
You do the same joke twice? That's good, man.
Really good.
(Sighing) This is the room, isn't it? Unless you want the first one.
(Sighing) So a guy from the Chamber of Commerce somehow got wind of your deal with the city.
Oh, honey, I can't see my Looneyspoons cookbook.
Ribs Van Winkle's not going to cook itself.
It's just the deal might be perceived as a conflict of interest.
Well, it's not.
No, but in politics, perception is reality.
Well, then as long as we don't perceive there's a problem, we're okay.
Maybe you should drop the contract.
It's a lot of money.
Besides, if I go around dropping contracts, I'll look stupid.
You're wearing oven mitts that look like frogs.
I thought they were snakes.
What? Nothing.
Still say we can't afford a campaign office? Uh-huh.
Well, I believe there's no such word as "can't.
" Ah, yes, there is, "can't.
" It's a contraction of "cannot.
" It means "can't.
" Check this out.
I told you.
We can't afford a picture of an office either.
No, it's a listing.
I went and looked.
It's in our price range.
Really? Yeah.
Wow, so which is it, haunted or on fire? Neither.
Grab your coat.
What about hexes? Any hexes? What are we going to do about this situation with Mike? Looking for a best man? Because I can do that.
Looking for a best man? No, not that.
Good one, though.
Right, I was joking.
But is Mike looking for a best man? I'm joking.
This computer deal The Chamber of Commerce guy called again.
I've thought this through and I've got the solution.
It just requires a nuanced approach.
What's that? Lie.
Just lie? Yeah, works every time.
Here you go.
You know I quit Dan's campaign when he lied to me.
I'm not lying to you.
I'm lying to them.
Well, actually, you want me to lie to them.
Actually, it's not a lie if you don't know it's a lie.
But I do know it's a lie.
You just told me.
For all you know I was lying.
It works every time.
This is the place? Looks a little run-down.
Oh, no, not that place.
We can't afford that one.
It's this place! Oh! Huh? War room! I don't know.
Seems a little creepy.
(Raspy voice) Dan, get out.
I can tell that's you.
Leave this place.
I already paid the deposit.
What?! Yeah, we're locked in! Oh, great.
There's water dripping.
So we put out a coup b buckets.
My concern is it's not raining.
Oh, yeah.
That is a little mysterious.
Get out.
Hey, Claire! Haven't seen you in a while.
I was starting to think you're avoiding me.
Well, I was.
I was upset about you lying to me.
Oh, yeah, sorry about that.
Maybe I overreacted.
I'm beginning to realize lying is a big part of politics.
Apology accepted.
I mean what was I doing working for your campaign anyways? Being sentimental.
It's a dead-end campaign.
You've obviously got no chance.
You heard me say "Apology accepted," right? Yes.
Oh, good.
How's your campaign going? Good! Yeah, I just got my own war room.
Feels good.
Starting to feel mayoral.
Danno, here's some takeout.
Bring it to Anita.
There goes that feeling.
ANITA: Ugh, two more That's six Sure, man, I know I had some more change here.
You sure you can't just break a 50? Dollars? No, I can't.
Oh, look, a centennial penny.
Instead of a leaf it's a bird.
So You know, I have a campaign office now.
Oh, congratulations.
A table at the bar? No, no, a real office.
With two tables.
Keeping dry, I hope.
Who told you about the water? Well, actually, we're not sure it's water.
I need more change.
Awkward, isn't it? No, it's okay.
I'm learning a lot about coins.
You're very stoic.
Just letting her walk all over you.
Silently putting up with it.
It's very attractive.
Well, what am I supposed to do? Stand up to her.
Oh, yeah, and if I stand up to her maybe you'll tell me that I'm only standing up to her because you told me to, which would be pretty spineless.
You're right.
Better let her break out the piggy bank.
Found the swear jar.
Ah, close enough.
Listen, about this campaign thing and the city computer deal, I've been giving it a lot of thought and I want you to know It's okay.
There's no problem with me doing the deal.
Well, I disagree.
It's not like this was a sleazy backroom deal.
I mean, we made it on the golf course out in the open.
Second, you know no one's going to care.
I mean, people expect this sort of thing.
I still wish you'd drop it.
A contract is an agreement, honey.
It's like a sacred bond.
So is marriage.
Ah, but we are not married yet.
(Siren wailing) This place doesn't need a broom.
It needs a flamethrower.
It's a fixer-upper.
It's a tearer-downer.
All right, I'm going to stand up for myself here.
I mean, if that's okay.
All right? This is my campaign and I want to do this.
Now, you take orders from me, not the other way around.
Right? Okay.
This is a little backbone.
I like this.
This place will be fine.
You know, a little paint, a little elbow grease-- I'm in.
Let's do it.
(Sighing) It's still a dump.
Yeah, maybe we should have done the whole wall.
People are fed up with all the backroom deals going on at city hall.
As mayor I'm going to throw open the doors, bring accountability to government.
You really think people care about this accountability stuff? Yes, I do.
I care passionately about this issue.
Also, if you need any appliances repaired, we're having a special.
Oh, that's a great deal.
I hope something breaks.
Do I smell burning? Hm? Oh, my Jurassic Pork! "Taxpayer report card.
" Sounds scary.
Yeah, we get that a lot.
Here's how it works: "A" means your platform is taxpayer friendly.
"B," less so.
Right, I get it.
No, I want to hear this.
"C" is less than "B" and so forth.
"D" is less than "C.
" Exactly.
And "F" is fail.
And F is fail! So it's like a report card.
See? He gets it.
Anyway, we'd like to go over your platform.
Ah but we don't want to do that here.
Why don't you swing by our campaign office? (Mouthing words) Absolutely.
We can set that up tomorrow.
Great idea.
Why'd you do that? I've been trying to set this up for weeks.
To show we're legit.
Right, so we meet him at my campaign office.
Which is perfect, except I was trying to show we're legit.
Mike? Huh? Mike.
Who are you? It's Greta and Janet Podleski, creators of the Looneyspoons cookbook.
Now, why are you making Claire lie for you Mike? That's not the Looneyspoons way.
But I want to make the sale.
Looneyspoons is about truthfulness, Mike.
And about puns.
Mostly about puns, but also truthfulness.
(Sighing) Maybe you're right.
Look into your heart.
And also consider buying the sequel to Looneyspoons, Crazy Plates.
If you thought the spoons were looney, these plates are even crazier! And our latest book, Eat, Shrink & Be Merry.
I don't get it.
Where's the looney, crazy part? We took out "drink" and put in "shrink.
" Nice.
(Sighing) Come on, give me a hint.
Why are you calling this press conference? We want to set the record straight.
There is no backroom deal between Claire's fiancé and the city.
Really? Absolutely not.
That would be a conflict of interest.
And there's no conflict of interest here.
MIKE: Hey, honey.
Mike? What are you doing here? Something I should have done a long time ago.
The right thing.
Um Excuse me, everyone.
If I can have your attention.
(Mouthing words) My name is Mike Norman.
And Claire Kendall, Alan's campaign manager, is my fiancé and the woman I love.
Thank you.
You may have heard some rumours about a backroom deal between my company and Alan Duffy.
Well, I've been doing some soul searching, and I'm here to tell you It's completely true.
It's okay, honey, I want to do this.
I'm here to say it was wrong.
My fiancé, who's known about it for a long time, said it was wrong.
And that's why I'm cancelling it, because it was a conflict of interest.
I'll say that again: a conflict of interest.
And anyone who says otherwise is a liar.
Really? Because your fiancé just said there was no deal.
Really? She said that? Yep, denied the whole thing.
Press conferences aren't really my thing, so I'm going to turn this over to Claire.
Claire, everybody, the love of my life.
(Clearing throat) Stupid Looneyspoons ladies.
At least the part where I said I loved you was a nice moment, although the career-destroying professional blow that came next wasn't great.
Kind of funny, I try to do the right thing for you, and it blows up in our faces.
Well, your face mostly.
(Sighing) I guess there is a silver lining though.
Since it's all gone squirrelly, I guess I might as well go ahead and sell those computers.
Just thinking out loud.
"Confusion Reigns at City Hall.
" This is not good.
But it's true.
Confusion is raining on us, thanks to you.
Oh, I think they mean confusion reigns, with an E-I, like a king.
Spin it any way you want.
It's still raining.
You told me to lie.
I meant to do it successfully.
Obviously the thing for me to do is to step down.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Are you a quitter, Claire? No, ordinarily I-- I need you to stay on this job and fix this problem.
And I know you have the talent and wisdom to do so.
Thank you, I appreciate your confidence in me.
Then after you've fixed it I want you to quit.
Are you going to gloat? Already did that at home.
Think I got it out of my system.
Okay, maybe just a little.
You really Dan'd yourself on this one.
You're right.
I should have been upfront from the beginning.
Alan wants me to fix this mess, but I don't know if I can.
You're just giving up? Now you're double Danning it.
Well, what am I supposed to do? I know what you'd tell me to do.
Stand up and admit you made a mistake.
You're right.
I don't give you enough credit.
You really are starting to seem mayoral.
Thanks, Claire.
How much for the takeout? $37.
Is this the place? Dan wants to reach out to all parts of the community, advantaged, disadvantaged Abandoned.
Where's Dan? I guess he's late.
You know what? Why don't we do this at your office? But I came all the way down here.
Yeah, that's no problem.
No, I said I came to you.
And we can come to you now, so it's fair.
Hey, where are you going? Come here.
Sorry I'm late, big meeting at city hall.
Great, why don't we go around the corner for coffees? No, I brought coffees.
Even better.
That'll save time when we go to the coffee shop.
DAN: No, come on in.
Watch your self.
Now, I'm a guy who never took much interest in politics, but then I realized-- Excuse me.
I realized that running the city's a job, like running the bar, so why not--? (Sighing) I'm going to need another bucket.
How long have you been in these offices? Oh, we just moved in.
Obviously, there's some work to do.
And this is how you intend to run government? Oh, well, I'm not sure-- The office isn't really where we want to run-- I like it.
Cut down to the bone.
Yeah, yeah, oh, then yeah, yeah.
I mean, that's is how we intend to run government, with bucke.
You're getting an A+.
Awesome! A+ is better than an A.
Yeah, like a report card.
Exactly! Yeah.
I know you all have questions about this computer deal.
I believe in openness.
And that is why I will be happy to answer any questions you may have at this time.
Was there ever a secret deal to buy these computers? And here to answer that question is my campaign manager.
Let's hear what she has to say.
Thank you.
I just want to start by saying that there were mistakes made yesterday.
Actually, I made a mistake.
Why would your fiancé make a big show about dropping a deal that you just denied? Didn't you talk about it beforehand? No, we didn't talk about it beforehand.
Really? No, we-- We never really talk.
Ahem, the point is I made a mistake, and today I want to take full responsibility.
Don't you think the fact that you and Mike "never really talk," your words not mine, speaks to overall problems in your relationship? Um, well, no.
And if you guys can't talk about something like this, how are you ever going to communicate on the bigger issues? This really isn't the time or place for this discussion Do you really think Mike and I have problems? Definitely.
I agree with that.
But the wedding's only a couple of weeks away.
What do you think I should do? That was fantastic.
I mean, going out there and making the story about how you have no communication in your relationship.
Yeah, well, I didn't exactly-- Humiliating yourself and Mike-- I mean, you were pathetic.
It was brilliant.
Thank you.
I-- I guess I can quit now.
Well, what are you talking about? I can't let you go.
Keep your friends close and your enemies even closer.
So I'm your enemy? No, you're my friend.
That's why I want to keep you close.
Thank you, I guess.
I mean you were naked up there.
It was the saddest thing I've ever seen.
It's not just me.
Everybody's saying so.
(Footsteps approaching) I keep giving you a hard time about this place, but it is your campaign, and it did work out.
So I got you an office-warming gift.
It's a bucket.
Thanks, that means a lot.
Can we get out of here now? Absolutely.
Pack my stuff.
I never want see this place again.
One, two, three, four, five-- Oh, I lost count.
One-- The forks are all there.
Well, we don't want another mistake like the last time.
You didn't have enough forks? We had one too many.
Now, where was I? Five, you were at five.
One Okay, stop.
I know what you're doing and it's enough.
I'm not delivering food here anymore.
And I'm not standing around while you count coins or forks or whatever.
Well, I'm sorry.
I don't want to be short-forked.
You know what? I'll pick up the tab.
Your meal today is a gift from the Dan Phillips for Mayor campaign.
Really? Yeah, a tip of the hat between campaign-- Oh, look at that! New idea, we go Dutch.