Dan for Mayor (2010) s01e11 Episode Script

A Cleanse Getaway

Sorry we've been out of touch.
It took us a while to digest the news.
I mean, our little girl's wedding isn't happening.
It's a lot.
We're here for you if you need a shoulder to cry on.
We support you no matter what.
You're family.
I feel like I've lost a son.
We're stuck with a daughter.
That means a lot.
Hey, Mom, just checking in, haven't talked in a while.
Okay, well, maybe we'll catch up later.
Man, my folks have been distant since the break up.
How many voicemails have you left? That wasn't voicemail.
Very distant.
Your parents giving you a hard time? Yeah.
Are you okay? Oh yeah.
Throat's a little sore.
What's up with your folks? You know who when a couple breaks up and friends have to pick a side? Do I? You got all the good ones.
Hey! Sorry.
Anyway, my parents picked Mike.
I'm sure that's not true.
You cancelled a wedding at the last minute.
It's only natural they're going to feel hurt and angry and upset and, you know, blame you.
Sorry, I thought I was going somewhere helpful with this.
You should open up to them.
That's a good idea, except that it's my parents.
Just talk to them.
You know those parents of mine that you've met? It's the same people.
There's only one set.
They'll come around.
Maybe you're right.
I've tried everything else.
Thanks, Dan.
I'm not one of the good friends? Sorry? I have a sore throat.
I can't hear you.
Think of me on election day.
And I hope we can count on your support.
What are you doing? I thought you dropped out of the race.
Oh, I did.
I mean, you exposed the money I hid from the city.
Wow, game over.
You crushed me.
So what are you doing then? I'm campaigning for you.
Hey, vote Anita! "People of Wessex have to work together--" Sell it.
"Have to work together--" Project.
"Have to work together to build bridges.
" I'm not seeing the bridge.
They haven't built it yet.
I'm sorry.
You know, I don't think I can do this speech.
My voice isn't going to make it.
Come on, these people are counting on you.
It's a soup kitchen.
All they have is your speech.
And soup.
And buns.
The buns look good.
Can you talk for me? Butter, little things of butter.
Jeff! Okay.
Hi, my name is Jeff Babbitt and I'm Dan Phillips' campaign manager.
And he apologizes for his sore throat.
First of all, I want to say, the soup tastes really good.
I wish I was disadvantaged.
You know, economically, obviously I'm disadvantaged in other ways.
Hey, vote Vargas! Vote Vargas! I want you to stop that now.
Anita, I've learned I'm not the greatest leader but I have something I bring to the table.
What's that? I'm a suck-up.
I don't want to brag, but I'm world class.
You can use someone like me.
I don't need a suck-up.
Someone with your experience and wisdom and capability wouldn't.
See what I did there? Is he with you? No.
And I support her on that, 100%.
Stop it.
Okay, this is a process and it's not going to work unless we both do our part, so please, I'll give you an easy one: that's a nice outfit.
Nice from the back too.
It's felt like we're a little distant since the wedding thing.
You're never going to do better than Mike, sugar plum.
Well, be that as it may, I had to call it off.
Why? Being in a loveless marriage isn't the end of the world.
You can say that again.
Trust me.
It became obvious it was not going to work.
Why? What happened? Okay.
I'm going to tell you something I haven't told anyone.
I kissed Dan, the night of the engagement party.
Now obviously, that's not the only problem with the relationship, but it's symptomatic of Why on Earth would you even tell us something like that? I'm reaching out.
I know, but why? It was Dan's idea.
So, remember, like a fine soup, this city will only be finished when we add biscuits.
Vote Dan! Not bad.
Was that okay? I tried to use soup as a metaphor.
Yeah, I got that.
Nice speech.
You have my vote.
Thanks, but I'm not running.
He is.
Nice speech.
I'm voting for you.
I'm not running.
I'm Dan Phillips.
I'm running for mayor.
What? I'm Dan Phillips.
I'm running-- I don't know what this guy's saying but you've got my vote.
Hey, there's fresh coffee if you want some.
What is Allan Duffy doing here? Well, he was following me around all morning.
He wants to be my helper.
What am I supposed to do? Tell him no! Oh, and here's that latte you wanted.
Thank you, Allan.
Oh, and I moved your 1:00 to 1:30 so you should be able to squeeze in that workout.
Oh, thanks.
It's what I do.
That man is driving me crazy.
Yeah, I can see that.
I heard your speech went well.
Jeff did it.
Oh, that makes sense now.
Maybe I should do the speeches or, you know, we should cancel them until my voice is better.
Why? I think it's going great.
Yeah, if we're trying to get you elected.
Your throat's sore.
I'm out there speaking for you.
Thanks a lot.
I told my parents about the kiss and now they're twice as mad.
Why would you tell them that? You told me to open up.
I meant open up about something that didn't drag me into it.
Well, now I have no fiancé and my family won't talk to me.
What's your good advice now? Sorry, my throat's sore.
Jeff is speaking for me.
Weather's getting cold.
Mike? I like what you've done with the place.
I haven't really done anything.
Yeah, I like that.
I bet you're wondering about what it is I'm drinking.
Not really.
I'm doing a cleanse.
A lot of things come out when you cleanse.
Yeah, I don't really want to know.
A lot more than emotions come out when you do a cleanse.
Okay, enough about the cleanse.
What are you doing here? You asked me to drop off the key.
Mike, have you seen my parents lately? Have I? They won't leave me alone.
They keep taking me to the farmer's market to buy chutney.
I can't eat chutney right now because I'm on a cleanse, which is okay because I hear it keeps.
They're not really talking to me right now.
Look, I know it's not fair to ask, but they like you.
Do you think you could talk to them? Patch things up for me? You're right, it's not fair to ask.
Okay, I'm sorry.
You know, this cleanse is supposed to clear the toxins in your system, and if I can help you clear the toxins in your relationship with your parents, I should do that.
Thanks, Mike.
And I will be a cleanse.
Stop talking about the cleanse now.
Got to go.
It's day 12 of the cleanse.
I get to eat seaweed.
What are you doing? That's where I usually sit.
I need to sit close to Anita.
I compliment her over 100 times a day so that's a lot of traffic.
If I can save a few feet, it's easier.
Plus, it's better for the environment.
How is it better for the environment? It's easier.
What's going on? He wants to sit where I sit.
I need to be close by so I can observe the dynamic way you run a campaign.
Seems reasonable.
Let him have the desk, dear.
Clean out the drawers when you get a chance.
That was very decisive.
Do you need anything alphabetized? Where do you want these boxes? On the desk is fine.
Hey, ready to stand next to me while I whip the rabble into a frenzy? Yeah, you know what, I think my voice is getting better.
So, maybe I should take back the reigns.
You sure? It sounds a little raspy to me.
You've got to think long-term.
No, I'm good.
Sorry, I couldn't make out what you were saying.
I'm good.
You could what? I said I'm good.
You'd better let me do the talking.
Anita, we need to have a frank discussion.
Sure, skim milk, two sugar.
Yeah, let's put a pin in that.
What I bring to the table is a certain ability.
The suck-up thing.
That's right, but I need exclusivity.
What? I can't compete with someone.
It's called "sucking up" not "sucking across.
" Fine, skim milk, two sugars.
I'm talking about Brianna.
Look at this.
Can't you send her away or something? I can't do that.
She's my niece.
I was afraid you were going to say that.
I'm out.
Oh, but don't you think I was wise and showed leadership? Sorry, I'm not on right now.
So, I talked to your parents and it took a bit of doing, but I think I smoothed it over.
Oh, that's great, that is great.
Thank you, Mike.
My pleasure.
Here's what it's going to take: $9,000.
What? Yeah, they want 7,000 for what they put in for the wedding plus 2,000 for the engagement party.
I could have come in lower but I thought, "It's family.
" You made this about money? You said to work it out.
This is unbelievable.
They wanted 12,000.
It's a good deal.
I'm not taking a commission.
I am not paying to be my parents' daughter.
If they want out of my life, fine.
I don't need them.
That's cold, Claire.
You want to be my sidekick? Number two, your second banana.
I already have a second banana.
Jeff's my second banana.
What? I'm not saying he doesn't do good work.
But you could set your sights higher.
I'm not your second, or any, banana.
Sidekick then.
I'm taller.
Sidekick's aren't taller than the main guy.
How tall are you? How tall do you want me to be? I've been doing most of the campaigning recently anyway.
His voice is shot.
What do you think? Is my voice shot? What do you want me to think? My voice is fine.
Your voice is fine.
Can I talk to you for a sec? Sure.
I mean Dan.
Oh yeah.
Excuse us.
I'm not his sidekick.
Okay, well, we'll just see what Dan has to say about that.
I came to apologize.
I blamed you for telling me to open up to my parents, but it's my fault.
I should have known it was a really dumb idea.
Well, it means a lot to me that you'd pick me as a person to lean on.
Well, I burned bridges with everybody else.
I got to keep what's left.
Okay, now it means a bit less, but still, thanks.
Do you mind? I'm sort of under the gun.
What you doing? Working on another speech.
Dan's really in demand now that he's not the one doing the talking.
Okay, Jeff, you win, you do the speeches today.
I got to run an errand.
We can't let this guy in the campaign, and I'm not your sidekick.
Why not? I make more money than you.
Sidekick's never make more than the main guy.
No, I mean why not Allan? Oh, he's massively unpopular.
That's a good observation.
Here's a beer.
Oh, thanks.
I'll go finish that speech.
Like I say, we should consider every option.
Thanks for standing up for me.
Hmm? With Allan.
I don't know if maybe you had your doubts because of the whole Dan thing, but I want you to win this.
Do you know where I put my day timer? Uhh, no, why would I know that? No, I guess you wouldn't.
I'm not Allan.
No, you're not.
I'm not a mathematician, but I know Wessegonians plus Wessegonians minus taxes times caring equals a better Wessex.
Thank you.
You nailed it! All right.
Nice speech.
Oh, thanks, but to be fair, Allan helped me with it.
Really? A little, or even more than a little.
What about the parts that were plagiarized? I got your message.
Is everything Dan? Hey.
I felt bad for the way things went down so I talked to Ed and Mary here.
We're feeling a little sheepish, dear.
We didn't mean to freeze you out.
Dan talked some sense into us.
This is really great, guys.
I'm sorry if I hurt you.
Oh, no, it's okay.
We love you.
So, here's what they want: 11,000.
What? 8,000 for the wedding and 4,000 for the party.
What do you say, sweetheart? Put this behind us? Dan, I can't believe you'd do the same thing as Mike.
Or that you can't add 4 and 8.
Huh? Plus, Mike got me a better deal.
That deal's off the table, sugar.
Is that all that matters to you guys? Cash? You all deserve each other.
Well, I'm pretty busy with my campaign.
I should probably hit the road.
So, which part was plagiarized? The math line at the end.
Well, that's just a line.
Plus the joke at the beginning.
Well-- And most of the middle.
Really? It's all from a speech in the last election.
So, I reused some stuff from the last campaign.
It was your opponent's speech.
Is there a problem with that? Hey, how's it going? Great.
Great? Oh.
Oh, I said "great," and then you said "great.
" I guess you plagiarized me.
My physio was cancelled.
Oh, that's right.
They called and moved your appointment to tomorrow.
Oh, when did they call? Yesterday.
I wrote it down.
Where? Where what? Where did you write it down? On a piece of paper.
Yeah, I understand.
And where did you put the piece of paper? Brianna, I stood up for you today, but come on, honey.
I need some help around here.
Message received.
Oh, I found it.
What? The piece of paper.
Your physio appointment is cancelled.
You've already had quite a few.
I think maybe you should stop.
I know when I've had enough.
"All-you-can-eat wings" means all-you-can-eat wings.
Keep 'em coming.
You're going to be hurting in the morning.
Hey, Claire.
Sorry to interrupt.
House key, bottom of the gym bag.
Oh, thanks.
How's things? Oh, the cleanse? Awesome.
Tomorrow, I eat some rice-- Sorry I asked.
What smells so good? Your parents still giving you a hard time? I can't believe they cut me out of their lives over money.
You've got to fight fire with fire and call their bluff.
What if that just makes things worse? You've got to take risks, like the risk that you're going to make it 12 days through a 13-day cleanse and pig out on chicken wings.
No regrets.
Can I get a beer? Here are the inventory numbers.
Really? Yeah.
I know Allan was helpful to you so I just thought I'd do my part.
I think these might be last year's numbers.
Oh, sorry about that.
Oh, and there's two Ps in "appliance.
" Oops.
So, you're going to fix that? No, change whatever you want.
I'm not precious.
Dan, I know you're picking up steam but you can't go plagiarizing.
I'm not Dan.
He is.
He's just speaking for me because my voice is out.
Your voice seems fine.
That's what I was saying.
Look, I didn't write the speech.
That's my point.
I mean, I didn't plagiarize it.
Allan did.
So, Allan Duffy's on your campaign? No.
Then why'd he write the speech? He brought me a beer.
It was really fast.
Run the story if you want, but I'm not the main guy.
I'm just the sidekick, so it's just going to be a story about some stupid sidekick who didn't know his place.
Is this true? Yes, he's my sidekick, my taller, richer sidekick.
Thank you.
Can we hurry this up? You know how your father gets when he's late for the farmer's market.
Well, the parking's crap and the pies are all picked over.
You don't like it either.
Well, I won't keep you.
Well, I'm glad you've come to your senses, sweetheart.
Just a sec.
Now, you can cash it and never speak to me again, or you can rip it up and we go back to being a family.
Your call.
Sugar plumb-- You only call me sugar plumb when you're mad.
We can get through this or I move on.
I can't have this in my life.
Ed! I was just going to look.
So, I guess what I'm saying is we would like Allan back on the Vargas campaign.
I don't know why we should help you.
Remember, you don't speak for me.
Right, sorry.
What Jeff said.
You'd be doing me a favour.
And nobody likes having the guy around anyway, right? Allan did screw up the speech.
On the other hand, he brings us stuff and compliments you.
Was that okay? Yeah, that's acceptable sidekick talk.
So, I just need to know, who do I suck up to? Okay, you can have him.
Welcome to the team.
Thanks for having me back, very generous of you, big-hearted.
Well, you're not on the clock yet.
That's a little freebie.
And I can go back to my role in the campaign, which was-- Nothing? Exactly.
Something you're very good at.
That's a freebie too.
You look happy.
I stood up to my parents, first time ever.
Well, there was an argument about Polly Pockets when I was 12.
Well, not an argument, more of a discussion.
See? I knew it would be a good idea to talk to them.
I'm sorry about before.
I know you were just trying to help.
Oh, well, you know, that kiss landed you in a lot of trouble.
Are you sorry? I mean, you were drunk.
I shouldn't have I'm not drunk now.
Bought you chutney, buddy.
Oh, thanks.
Maybe we were a little harsh with Claire.
I knew that if it came down to the money or her, you'd choose her.
Yeah, no contest, especially because you said you'd cover the money.
9,000, right? 9,000? Could have got 9,000 from Claire.
Ed! 9100 will be fine.
I can't take money from the guy when he doesn't know.
Ed, are you sure? Know what? Claire kissed Dan at the engagement party.
Big kiss, out in the back.
That's probably why she left you.
What? Anyway, there's a game.
I'm taping it but the damn machine never works, so Take care, Mike.
He smells like seaweed.
I'm not a mathematician but I know Wessegonians plus Wessegonians minus taxes times caring equals a better Wessex.
Thank you.
Nailed it! Yeah! What was that? What was what?