Dan for Mayor (2010) s02e06 Episode Script

Insane In The Bike Lane

Now you can open them.
You got me a new bike.
No, I got me a new bike.
I just wanted you to feel the same thing I felt when I saw it for the first time in the store.
Did you feel confused? No, I felt totally stoked.
Don't you feel totally stoked right now? No, I'm wondering what happened to your old bike.
So I go to the bike store to get a new helmet.
You know, a big bike-lane announcement tomorrow.
I want to be safe.
But they didn't have any helmets that went with my old bike.
So you got a new bike.
Yeah, the best part is it goes with my old helmet.
Also it goes with my new helmet.
Dan? You know, just think how safe an attractive I'll be.
I guess if it makes you safer.
Yeah, and attractive.
As mayor, you know, for the big press conference, hm? Me and my baby riding down the street together, being all active.
Yeah, but I don't have a bike.
Oh, good idea.
We could get you one.
Then you could ride beside me and my baby.
Hey, boss, how are you doing? I got a letter from the liquor commission.
Oh, yeah? How are they doing? They are suspending our licence.
They say we were serving minors.
I don't remember that.
Excuse me, sir.
Care to buy and apple for our fundraiser? I don't have any change on me.
You guys want a pint instead? Sure.
They were in uniform.
I thought they were in the service.
You got to fix this.
We can change the name of the bar to Farn's.
They'll never know.
Guess I'll have to change my name too.
I meant go down to the liquor commission and pay the fine.
That sounds expensive.
Fern? I'm on it.
So that's 14 cases of McShanty's non-alcoholic beer.
It's for a kid's birthday party.
And with these bike lanes, more Wessigonians will be able to safely ride to work on their bikes.
Bikes like this one.
Maybe we can get a good shot of me and the bike here.
Ooh, sorry I'm late.
Oh, I should have brought my bike.
Yeah, that's kind of the point.
I'll go get it.
It's in my car.
You drove here? Yeah, I heard on the radio traffic was crazy.
Some stupid lane closure all up and down Wellington Street.
That's the new bike lanes.
Oh, that makes sense.
You got a sweet ride, Mr.
Guys, I don't want to make the bike the focus.
It's really about the bike lanes and me using them on this awesome bike.
And with that, I now declare Wessex's new bike lanes open! Hey, hey, hey.
All right, here we go! Alan, is this your car parked in the bike lane? Oh, that's the bike lane! I thought it was handicapped parking.
Back already? Oh, yeah, that's all taken care of.
We're back to serving liquor and beer, mostly beer.
That's great.
Thanks for clearing that up.
I thought it would be more complicated.
Oh, no, we're ready to rock.
What can I get you? Beer, please.
Coming right up, buddy.
What kind of beer is this? There's no label.
Oh, it looks like you got our mystery beer.
It's a little promotion we're doing.
Guess it correctly and it's free.
Is it Blue? Nope.
That will be five bucks.
Hey, there's my little cycle guy.
I saw that bike-lane thing online.
You made the city section.
Oh, great.
Oh, that's not a very good shot.
Oh, I think it makes you look almost athletic.
No, they cut off my bike.
You can't even her the knobbly tires.
Dan, the man! Nice work on the bike lanes, buddy.
Bit of a wheel man myself.
Ah, cool.
What part of that is cool? It's not the way he said it, not the information-- She doesn't understand the rolling life.
Now, wheeler to wheeler, I've got a proposal.
Dedicated blade lanes.
Oh, interesting but no.
Hear my out, bra.
Us bladers need our space.
I mean, our arms are fury of slicing.
I don't think we're going to make separate lanes.
It's expensive.
And, no offence, but blading is kind of a fringe sport.
Keep calling us names, bikey boy.
We got thick skin.
We also live hard and love harder.
Claire knows.
You never bladed when we were dating.
Oh, that's because the beast had yet to be awoken within.
But now that he's out, he's out for good, and he wants him some blading lanes.
Ah, interesting.
But no.
Well, I guess that's how you roll.
Mm! Oh, man, that was sweet.
Here you go, gents.
Some unidentified beers.
Thanks, Fern.
Oh, I didn't know you were in prison.
Hm? No, no, these are blading-club jerseys.
Oh, it is where it's at.
No, it's I-T.
Oh, I-T is where I-T's at.
No, only one of them is I-T.
It is where I-T's at.
I-T is where it's at.
And what does A-T stand for? Hey, guys.
Don't read their shirts.
Hey, you just come from a roll? Maybe.
I'm just going to have a seat at the bar.
Well, make sure no bladers get in your way.
Dan sucks.
Beer? Please.
I'll get it.
You've been working hard.
Oh, I'm-- I'm drinking dark.
Yeah, this is for someone else.
I'll get yours in a second.
Heh, there you go.
Why is this green? Green and blue doesn't make brown? What are you talking about? Nothing.
Happy St.
Patrick's Day.
It's close to St.
Paddy's day.
I'm joshin'.
I'm joshin'.
Here you go, nice and dark.
Good news, the bicycle lanes are actually popular.
Your approval rating's high.
Your bike's approval rating is even higher.
Yeah, Claire is not so crazy about it, but, yeah, it doesn't matter.
She's so beautiful.
The bike or Claire? Hey, Alan, those bladers still giving me the stink eye? Yup.
Don't worry about it, though.
Bladers are losers.
Hey! Hey, my fellow bladers! I waited outside that address you gave me, but nobody showed up.
Oh, there must have been some kind of mistake.
I'm so sorry.
I guess-- Take off on Alan! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! I'm more of a cyclist at heart.
Where is your bike? It's outside.
Did you lock it up? Yeah, it's in my car.
Later, spoke heads! Hey, ride safe, buddy! Hey, pedal to the people! Hey, you okay? Mike! Hey, man.
I'm sorry about that.
Are you okay? Mike! Mike! Are you okay? What happened? There's knobbly tires and oversized carbon frame raining down on me like fire! I don't think it was that bad.
Hey, who's speaking? It's me, Dan.
Dan, did you see who did that? It-- It was me.
I'm really sorry.
What? I thought you were my friend.
Why did you do that? Mike, can you walk? No! Can you blade? Always.
Come on.
Come on.
Here, let me help.
Dan, if I had the strength, I would condemn you.
But I'm too weak.
Okay, come on, blade it off, buddy.
Blade it off.
Come on.
I'm sorry.
How badly is he hurt? It's a she, Vanessa.
I meant Mike.
You named your bike Vanessa? Yeah.
Well, I was going to call her Claire, but then I thought that that would get confusing.
So then I thought about "Good Claire.
" For you.
Is Mike all right? Yeah, he's pretty good.
I mean, he's a little wobbly, drifting in and out of consciousness.
But in a good way.
I'm going to call him.
Good idea.
I'll bathe Vanessa.
After we make sure Mike's okay.
Last night I was struck down by a cyclist in the bike lane.
Now, not to name names, but that cyclist was Mayor Dan Phillips.
Now thanks to Mayor Dan Phillips, this is how I roll.
Obviously, the only solution is to ban bikes from the bike lane.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go tend to my neck, my ribs and my damaged endocrine system.
How plastered were you? I wasn't.
I felt totally sober.
So did I but I woke up with a jacket full of hamburgers, and I have no idea where they came from.
So that's what I smell.
You should probably get rid of those.
We got meetings all day.
Look, I don't need a lecture from you on professionalism, okay? We need to go on the offensive.
Smear that cool, sexy cavalier image of bladers that's monopolizing my thoughts right now.
Could we solve a problem without smear tactics? Good idea.
Ban bladers altogether.
Wipe those smug smiles off their faces.
I'll talk to Mike.
I got it.
Ban Mike.
Cut off the head; body dies.
No, we're not banning anyone from the bike lanes, except maybe that unicyclist who juggles chainsaws.
He's tough to pass.
Hey, how are you doing? I'm good.
Let me get that.
No, no, no, they say stretching is good for me.
It uses a different set of muscles, which afford me a more manageable level of pain so-- Oh, you poor thing.
I'm really sorry about this.
Oh, it's not your fault.
It's Dan's.
He feels bad about it too.
He keeps hiding it by going on long bike rides, but I know he feels bad.
Oh, hey, want to sign my petition banning death machines like Dan's from the bike lanes? You know he has a name for it? Well, that's normal.
So do I.
No, his bike.
Oh, that's just sad.
Well, think about the petition.
What petition? The petition banning bikes from bike lanes.
Claire's about to sign it.
I was just looking.
Why are you holding the pen? To point out to Mike that I am not going to sign this.
Bikes are a menace, Dan.
A pedalling menace.
Well, if bikes are a menace, then bladers are a scourge.
Well, if it's going to be like that, then let me pull out my thesaurus.
Look, the city is behind bike lanes.
Keyword "bikes.
" Keyword "bikes like mine.
" They love my bike.
You and your eight-wheeled freak show don't stand a chance.
I got 10 wheels now, Dan.
Twelve if you include these little ones on the front.
You still have those on? Oh, you're going to have to unbuckle, then un-Velcro them from my cold, dead feet, ow.
Hey, Scotch, please.
Sorry, it's all finished.
Oh, okay, how about a rye? That's finished too.
Any dark liquor at all? I've been drinking since 7:00.
It's all gone.
How about a caesar? Sure.
Looking for these? Oh, yes, thank you.
You saved me having to use a Band Aid.
You never got our liquor licence renewed.
You have to stand in line at the liquor commission.
It's not worth it.
Not worth it? We are serving people water and food colouring.
Yeah, and a little drop of milk.
Here you go, buddy.
Now, it may taste a little different, but that's because we use an authentic caesar recipe, dating back to the original salad.
How much? Five bucks.
Here's seven.
Keep the change.
Well, thank you.
This is fraud.
We just made seven bucks for a drink that cost us 10 cents.
Well, we're going to need more food colouring.
Wow, you look good tonight.
If I turn around, is your bike going to be there? That's purely a coincidence.
Ugh, that stupid thing.
Aw, come on, you don't mean that.
She doesn't mean that.
Mike is really hurt.
Yeah, but he's never going to get better unless we pretend that he's not.
It's hard to ignore a big moaning man rolling up and down the hall.
Also, I talked to Alan, and he told me-- What? About the drinking? What drinking? I meant that he was going to ban bladers.
What's this about drinking? Do not know.
Random words.
Probably a result of damage to my nervous system from the accident.
You were drinking the night you hit Mike.
A little bit.
Three pints in like an hour and a half to two to three-- However long it's supposed to be.
How can you sleep at night? And, you, how can you just sit there? Oh, my God.
I'm talking to a bike.
Here you go.
Now, if it tastes a little different, that's because we're using an authentic mudslide recipe based on a Peruvian village that lived off these drinks after being buried by an actual mudslide.
What did you put in that? Chocolate milk and ketchup.
Now, I know that eats into our profit margin.
That's why I'm going to run across the street to the McDonald's and ask for some ketchup packets.
Oh, don't do that.
Are you kidding? Another hour like this and we can finally pay to have doors in the stalls in the men's room.
This is starting to get weird.
Yeah, it's the money in our pockets.
I hope it gets a lot weirder.
Dear Wessigonians, if you are watching this, then I have slipped into a coma.
Come in.
I brought you some aspirin.
Oh, thanks.
You really got smacked, didn't you? Yeah.
Surprised even me.
But, you know, Dan seemed a little wild on his bike that night, almost like he was not himself.
Well, I guess that bike is super-fast.
Maybe hard to control.
He also seemed very talkative and overconfident.
Oh, you know, the bicycle's a very social vehicle.
A little aggressive.
I got to go.
Do you need a drink or water? I mean, just water.
What else are you going to drink? No, I'm good.
Mike, there's something I want to tell you.
This isn't what it looks like.
Also, can you knock next time? Hey, what's in this stout? My tongue is blue.
Whoa, I can hardly understand what you're saying.
How many have you had? Whoa, hey, maybe you should sit this next round out, huh? I think there's something wrong with this chair.
Hm, this chair looks fine to me.
Tell you what: why don't you go play some pool, order some food and then you can have another beer.
Fern, get that girl a burger.
I'm not making her a burger.
I'm through with all this fake stuff.
But the burgers are real.
I mean, they're probably real.
I'm a bartender.
My job is making drinks, real drinks, for drinkers to get drunk on, by drinking.
What's your point? You see that guy there? I've been serving him everyday for 25 years.
We smoked a cigar the night his son was born.
We held the wake for his father in here.
And I just served him a squirt of toothpaste in a coke.
Oh, you didn't use real coke, did you? There's a case of no name in the back.
I am tired of being a joke bartender.
Hey, babe.
Is the bike behind me? No, it's outside.
Can you see its reflection? A little bit.
Okay, I admit it's a good-looking bike, but that's not why I'm here.
Mike's faking it.
I knew it.
This is perfect! We control the story now.
Where did you come from? I was listening in on speaker.
This is awesome.
Advantage, Dan and Alan, the DA crew.
Beer brothers! Are you guys just drunk all the time? If the press asks, I am.
Now, Dan, here's what we're going to do.
We let Mike think he's one of us.
Then we don't let him in the cyclist club.
There is no cyclist club.
Why don't you just talk to Mike? Good idea, and then I sneak up on him all wasted-- No.
But I sneak up on him-- No.
We all go together.
This is a terrible plan.
Hello, Dan.
You seem to be recovering.
Yes, I'm feeling a little better.
Oh, good.
Something prompt your recovery? Ow, I don't know what you're talking about.
Okay, look, we can do this quietly or I can embarrass you in front of your friends.
Oh, I'll take the embarrassment any day of the week, because there is nothing quiet about drinking and bicycling! Who told you? Little birdie.
Can't reveal my source.
It would be unfair to Alan.
I should go to the bathroom.
Are you rolling? Nope.
Look at how he's walking.
He must be drunk from all the booze we serve all the time.
You sold me out? Mike let me join his blading group.
I tried to fight him off as long as I could.
- You came to me.
- Not true! I just happened to be sitting on your front doorstep when you got home from work.
Look, I know you're faking your injuries.
Oh, what, because Claire saw me on an adrenaline high jacking in my office? No, that's not what it's called.
You know, the thing you do when you're a teenager, you know, with your gym teacher and your hands and your feet.
The-- Guys, jumping jacks! You're faking this? What? No.
Whoa, you were drunk? No, no, people, listen.
You're injured and you were drunk because we were serving strong, strong alcohol.
In fact, I probably shouldn't have even served you that much.
We could have lost our liquor licence.
Hey, good news.
I paid a fine and got our liquor licence back.
Jeff, you could put the food colouring away.
So I wasn't drunk? No, you just ran into Mike because of natural carelessness.
Ah, nothing's wrong with that.
Right? Damn it.
I just extended my crutch rental for another week.
Blame Fern.
Ah, the real stuff.
Hey, don't drink that.
It's malt vinegar.
Okay, and then the bladers will get the lane from Tuesday at 3:00 until 7:00.
And then it goes back to the cyclists until midnight.
Only from the 1st to the 15th of each month.
Yeah, what about the winter months? We roll all year.
Ah, man, I'm running out of napkin.
Well, here, just use the fake casts.
Okay, all right, so all we got to do is sign.
Jeff, you witness.
Council just voted unanimously.
They're changing it to a carpool lane.
Aw, man, what? Carpoolers are the worst.
A bunch of no-good fuel savers.
They're the real enemy.
Yeah, I'll drink to that, for real this time.
Oh, yeah, another hamburger!