Dan for Mayor (2010) s02e08 Episode Script

Pot Divorce

Here we go.
Ooh, look at that.
Well, it's not very often I have my parents over for dinner.
That looks good.
Someone else must have cooked.
Dad! Actually, he made it.
Yeah, I know my way around a kitchen.
Hm, a man who can cook.
- We should tell them.
- Oh, yes.
We have a surprise.
Ooh, a surprise.
All right.
Well, your father and I have talked it over, and this is something we've considered for a while.
You're renting a Winnebago and driving across the country.
- No.
- You're renewing your vows.
We're getting a divorce.
How is that close? So this thing with your parents, Are you going to be all right? Yeah, I think I'll be okay.
I didn't see it coming, but it makes a lot of sense now.
You want to talk about it? No, no.
I don't want to make a big thing out of this.
Oh, good.
I mean-- I mean, I'd be happy to make a big thing out of it if you want.
I'm kind of a big-thing kind of guy.
Or-- Or we could talk about it later.
Or can we not talk about it later? I got to go.
Love you.
Hey, Dan, some friends and I are having a thing, I was wondering if you could come by.
Oh, you mean hang out? Oh, God, no.
Not you as a person.
- You as a mayor.
- Oh.
You've never spoken to me as mayor before.
Yeah, I know.
It seems weird to me too.
But here we are and we have to live with it.
So you coming by or not? Yeah, okay, only because you asked so nicely.
Oh, great.
I'll e-mail you the deets.
Oh, uh, you mean you'll call me? No, I'll e-mail you.
But you're doing this.
This means phone.
Yeah, I got e-mail on my phone? Not Mary and Ed.
How can this be happening? Is it something I've done? - No.
- Is it something you've done? What did you do? It's not anyone's fault.
Sometimes people drift apart.
People stop listening to each other and live separate lives.
I know that they were just my father- and mother-in-law, but they were like my parents.
Mike, we never got married.
Fine, they were just my father- and mother-in-law to be, but they were like my father- and mother-in-law.
38 years of marriage.
If you can't count on that, what can you count on? No couple is safe.
If it can happen to them, it can happen to anyone.
Things usually work out all right.
Yeah, that's what I thought, and then you and I broke up.
See? Things worked out all right.
No, the point is is I never saw it coming.
One minute everything's fine, the next minute you're drifting apart and you don't even know why.
How are you and Dan? Good.
- Good? Just good? - Yeah.
I was a little short with him this morning, but we're good.
- Good.
- We're good.
He's been busy at work lately.
Oh, busy, huh? - Yeah, but we're good.
- Good.
Oh, I'm-- I'm doing a speech tomorrow.
You are? It's not in your schedule.
No, it's just this thing I said I'd do.
You booked a speech without talking to me? Yeah.
It's not a big deal.
Not a big deal? It's just what I do.
That's all I do.
I'm your gatekeeper.
What? It's just this thing for Fern.
Well, maybe you should let Fern book all your dates if you like Fern so much.
What? Look, I don't even know what the thing is, okay? It's just a favour.
It doesn't seem like a bad idea to you? You just show up at a function when you don't even know what it is? No.
Dan Phillips.
Hey, Dan.
I was thinking, we haven't seen each other a lot recently, and this morning you were offering to talk and I was kind of short.
And I thought maybe we could go for dinner or go for a walk? Oh, maybe.
Uh, I just have to deal with this speech thing for Fern.
Now you're telling everybody about the speech, but what kind of speech is it? We don't know.
- What kind of speech? - Look, I don't know - what kind of speech, okay? - When is the speech? - Do you even know that? - Is now a bad time? What is this? 20 questions? You know, maybe I should go.
That's it.
Just go.
You're being clingy anyway.
Claire? Oh, wow.
Hey, Claire, I'm just listening to sad music.
I hope it's not too loud.
Sorry to hear about your parents.
Yeah, it was kind of a shock.
I don't know how people do it.
How long have you been married? Five years.
Seven years? Wow, good for you.
Maybe it's 10 years.
That's great.
God, maybe it's 12 years.
So I tried to reach out to Dan the other day, but he kind of blew me off.
Oh, I'm sure it's nothing.
Guys just need their space.
- Yeah? - Yeah, we're like goldfish.
I mean, I don't know much about goldfish, but I imagine they need their space.
- Or they eat each other.
- Which is gross.
Why have goldfish? So Dan's pushing me away because I'm coming on too strong? Exactly.
Give him a little room.
Everything will be okay.
I'll cool it off a bit.
Good idea, Jeff.
Well, I am the guy who's been married for 13 years.
Or whatever the hell it is.
You sure you want me here? Maybe I should go wait in the car.
Oh, would you stop? That's fine.
Who needs me? Stupid old Alan Duffy.
- Stupid, fat old Alan Duffy.
- You're not fat.
Oh, so now you think I'm old and stupid? You're not that old.
Hey, buddy.
Glad you could make it.
You too, Dan.
Yeah, no problem.
So, um, listen, funny thing, I forgot to ask, what kind of group is this? It's a pro-legalization of marijuana rally.
No, seriously, what kind of group is this? I'm dead serious.
Now, how could you possibly have avoided this? You'd have needed some sort of fat, old gatekeeper.
- This might not be my crowd.
- No, I think you're wrong.
And I'm not saying that everybody who smokes pot voted for you, but there's a good chance that everybody who voted for you smokes pot.
Thank you, marijuana advocates.
It's an honour for me to be here today, because I believe in freedom of choice.
And what you choose to do in private, illegally, or while standing in a circle in a parking lot, is your business.
And, I mean, not so much at a party indoors because then the smell can be a bit much for those of us who don't smoke.
So in conclusion-- Did you just say you didn't smoke? Uh, yeah, that's right.
I've never tried it.
Oh, come on.
You never smoked pot? No, I've never tried it.
You think we're stupid? Guys comes here and lies to us.
Look at him.
He's high right now.
I bet he booked this date without talking to his chief of staff! You suck! Oh, no.
Ho, ho, hey, hey.
Hey, a weird thing just happened.
- Fern asked me-- - I don't want to go for dinner.
- What? - You know when I called earlier and said I wanted to go for dinner? I don't want to do that anymore.
It's okay.
All right.
You want to watch TV or something? - Nope, it's fine.
- Okay.
You said something about going for a walk before.
- You still want to do that? - No, it's okay.
Because, you know, I was thinking, you know, - maybe I'd like to go for a walk.
- I hear you.
Oh, great.
Stay out as long as you want.
Enjoy your space.
You're not coming? Believe me, that is the last thing I want.
Have fun, honey.
Thanks for agreeing to meet with me, Mary.
I just wanted to see how you were doing.
I heard some things.
Oh, you're talking about the divorce.
You and Ed are so great together.
My life has been closed off for so long.
- It's time for me to live.
- Yeah, but don't you think--? And with Ed out of the picture, there's a lot of possibilities.
Sure, but-- A lot of interesting possibilities.
You mean like a craft or something? Oh, come on, Mike.
We both know why you really asked me to dinner.
Claire's mom came on to you? I don't want to talk about it, all right? She's like my mom-in-law.
Were you sending out signals? Yes, I was sending out signals, like "Stop, Mary, this is gross.
" - Maybe you should go for it.
- Shut up.
It's not like I've seen you date a tonne of people.
- Shut.
- Sorry.
I just-- I don't understand how this could happen unless That smart old broad.
Don't talk that way about your girlfriend.
She's doing this on purpose to make Ed jealous to win him back.
Yeah, I don't think so.
It makes total sense.
It makes no sense at all.
It explains all of the facts.
In an unnecessarily complicated way.
If you hear hoofbeats, you assume it's a horse, not a zebra.
Until it's too late.
And then bang.
Zebra's got you.
I still think you should try to sleep with Claire's mom.
Sorry I booed you at the pot rally.
That was maybe unprofessional.
No, that's okay.
I sure called it, though.
That blew up in your face.
But unprofessional.
You know what? I got bigger problems right now.
Hey, you're married.
Long time.
Long time.
How-- How do you keep it going? I mean, Claire's been a little withdrawn lately.
Withdrawn? Oh, you got to nip that in the bud.
Yeah, I-- I was thinking, you know, maybe I just give her some more space.
No, bring her flowers.
Crowd her.
Smother her.
Kill her with kindness, otherwise, poof.
- It could all be over.
- Oh, okay.
Eating TV dinners alone.
With a spoon.
I get it.
The loneliness fills your days.
Darkness fills your soul.
Can you book me a speech or something? Yeah, I thought you'd never ask.
Hey, what's this? Ah, no big deal.
Just, I love you, is all.
Oh, that's so nice.
Dan, a word? Uh, can you give me a sec? Now.
You ruined my pot rally.
Oh, sorry.
You really should book through my chief of staff.
Now my friends are going to boycott my psychedelic laser night Thursdays.
You have a psychedelic laser night? Yeah.
On Thursdays.
Are those from Dan? Yeah.
Your advice worked.
That's great.
Now stay the course.
- I think we're good.
- No.
You've had a little victory, but stay the course.
Resist the urge to talk.
Space is what's making this work.
So give him his space.
Hey, sorry to leave you alone there.
Oh, it's okay.
I don't need to spend every second of the day with you.
Should we put those in water? Nah, we don't have to.
But they'll die.
Everything dies, Dan.
Maybe I can, uh, make you dinner later.
Or not.
I might go out tonight.
So, whatever you want to do, it's cool.
If those are for me, they're not going to make up for the pot rally.
You know, I've got to admit, Ed, I've got an ulterior motive for asking you here today.
Oh? I though you said your regular golf partner died.
That was a white lie.
I don't have a golf partner.
- And he's very much alive.
- Okay.
Look, I-- I wanted to talk to you about this divorce thing.
Ed, you're making a big mistake.
No way, kid.
The mistake was waiting so long.
So you and Mary are through? 100%.
Okay, sure, yeah, yeah.
Just, uh-- I just wanted to make sure.
Huh? Well, Mary and I went for a drink the other day, and I got to say, there's some chemistry there.
What are you talking about? She's an attractive woman, Ed, and if you guys are through, I was thinking, you know, maybe I'll take a run at her myself.
Does this mean you're getting back together with Mary? I'm trying to knock some sense into you.
I think too much of you to see you end up with Mary.
Don't ruin your life the way I did.
You're the son-in-law I never had.
Your advice didn't work.
Claire didn't even take the flowers.
Wow, you must have really let things go if she's ignoring flowers.
- What do I do? - Step it up.
You got to get in her face.
I mean, I don't know what you did to drive her away, - whether it's another woman or-- - No, it's nothing like that.
Drinking? Drugs? No, it's nothing like that.
Gambling? Am I getting warmer? Wow, it must be something really weird and seedy.
- You.
- Hey.
What's up? What's all this stuff? As if you don't know.
It's my gear from psychedelic laser night Thursdays.
Psychedelic laser night Thursdays? Psychedelic laser night Thursdays.
It was a complete bust.
The pot community boycotted - and the stuff is useless to me.
- Hey, can we turn the machine on? The psychedelic laser night Thursdays machine? Yeah, the psychedelic laser night Thursdays machine.
You happy now, Dan? We're turning on the psychedelic laser night Thursdays machine.
On Friday.
Come on, let's turn it on.
Fern, hey, listen, I'm sorry about what happened on psychedelic laser night Thursdays.
Yeah, well, how's Alan? Oh, the doctors say it's just temporary blindness.
I'm sorry about the pot rally.
Those are my friends, Dan.
You put a wedge between me and what's-his-face - and the tall guy.
- You want me to talk to them? Because if you do, just say the word and book through Alan, and I'm there.
Are Claire's parents here? What are you talking about? Oh, nothing much.
Just a plan.
A very clever plan.
I told Mary that Ed wanted to meet her here.
But get this: I told Ed that Mary wanted to meet him here.
Once they spend a little time with each other, they'll realize that they're meant to be together and this whole divorce thing will go away, and we can just be a family again.
Well, not me.
But here's the capper; Once they're here, I'll hit them with a romantic surprise.
Oh, what's the surprise? A spa package or something.
I'll figure it out.
Just call me when they get here.
Maybe I should do a romantic surprise for Claire.
I mean, she's been kind of distant lately.
Smart lady.
What are you doing here? I decided to stop by and surprise you.
Oh, that's so nice.
I mean, cool.
Uh, yeah.
Um, so, uh, I-- I was wondering, um, if, um, you know, um, as a treat sometime, uh, you wanted to maybe go for a spa.
I might have fun at a spa.
A little time by myself.
Or I could go too.
I know for a fact you don't want to go to a spa.
So do you want me out of the house tonight or tomorrow? Oh, no, I don't ever want you out of the house.
It's okay.
People need their space.
Space is good.
Hey, buddy.
How's my favourite mayor? Locally.
I mean, nationwide there are probably more effective mayors.
I'm fine.
I have a little trouble with Claire.
- Still? - Yeah.
She seems kind of distant, you know? I keep trying to spend time with her and she keeps pulling back.
Huh! Wonder why she's doing that.
Well, I have to make a phone call.
I don't know.
Maybe I should just talk to Claire.
No, no, no, no, no.
That's the worst thing you could do.
Oh, play it cool, huh? Exactly.
Play it cool.
I wonder if she's-- Phone call.
Don't do anything.
I-- I just don't understand Dan.
How much space does he need? Ow.
Those rocks are hot.
Thanks for coming in, guys.
Um, first of all, I just want you to know I booked this meeting through my chief of staff.
Thank you, Dan.
And by the way, I will not be taking minutes.
I'm on some pretty heavy pills.
What? It's cool.
Is this about our boycott of Fern's? Because the boycott stands, man.
Just hear me out.
Well, I guess we better or else the police will give us a hard time.
No, they won't.
So, uh-- Listen, um, Fern's a friend of mine.
It's not his fault I wrecked your pot rally.
You wrecked our pot rally? You wrecked it? Man, where do you get off thinking you have the power to stop our movement? - We should boycott you, man.
- Yeah.
I'm boycotting you right now.
What? What does that mean? You guys still here? Yes.
Just checking.
Can we go? This guy's scaring me.
Which guy? Who's here? Who's here?! Oh.
I got a message Mary wanted to meet me here.
Yeah, that's possible.
Flowers, huh? Yeah, it's bizarre.
Flower delivery guy just handed these to me.
Don't that beat all? Yeah.
Mary? A delivery person just handed me these.
Oh, I get it.
Someone's trying to get us back together with a stupid trick.
- It was Mike.
- Hey! Do I feel something romantic in the air? 38 years of misery and you think dinner at Fern's is going to fix it? No, I also got you a couple's spa package.
Help heal your relationship while you heal your body.
You're an idiot.
I don't know what I ever saw in you.
Sorry, Mike.
Flowers and chocolates should have worked.
How could they not have fallen in love? I'm sorry we fought.
I love you.
Play it cool.
- How was your day? - Doesn't matter.
I wasn't really asking.
I don't need to hear every little thing about your day.
I got you.
I didn't mean to, uh, talk to you.
You don't have to talk.
Yeah, got it.
I don't really feel like doing anything, do you? Nope.
No, we don't have to do things together.
- Nope.
- Nope.
- Or talk.
- No! No.
Uh-- Get a beer.
Hey, you got your bandages off.
- Yup.
- How's it going? Ah, right as rain.
No permanent damage except to my eyesight.
You okay? Oh, I'm having a tough time at home.
Claire? Didn't you kill her with kindness? Are you kidding me? I murdered her with kindness.
I buried her in the backyard.
Well, what's going on? Well, she's getting more distant.
She hardly spoke to me last night and now we're having lunch at separate tables.
I can see it's time for Dr.
Alan to fix this.
In love, as in politics, there's nothing that can't be fixed with finesse.
Why are you being so mean to Dan? - I'm not.
- You're sitting way over here.
You're hardly talking to him.
Stop being such a jerk.
He needs space.
- What gave you that idea? - Jeff did.
More drinks? Did you tell her to stop talking to Dan? Oh, the phone call.
I called you, got your voice mail.
I was going to leave you a message, but I hate how I sound in voice mail.
Then somebody ordered nachos and I forgot.
Why would you tell her to give Dan space? Well, that's what I do with my wife, and we've been together 7 to 13 years.
Stop being such a jerk.
Whoa, did you just drop the J bomb? Oh, I call them like I see them now that I can see.
I'm done talking to you.
- Oh, really? - No, you will listen to me.
You will listen to what I say! We've got to cut this out.
We're hurting Alan and Jeff's relationship.
It was nice of you to ignore me when you thought that's what I needed.
It was nice of you to ignore me.
When you wouldn't put my flowers in water, that was so sweet.
Hey, you guys want a couple's spa coupon? Help heal your relationship? Nah, but I think I know two people who could use it.
This was so nice of the mayor.
He's not that bad of a guy.
Want to hit psychedelic laser night Thursdays - at Fern's next week? - Sounds good.
Ah! Too hot! Too hot! You've decided to stay together? That's so great.
Well, the dating pool in Wessex is pretty small.
That's great.
It's good news.
Besides, sugar, if you and Dan can stay together, Mary and I thought we'd better give it a shot.
Oh, well, I'm glad we could be an inspiration to you.
It's more like we'd be embarrassed to fail at something you've been able to achieve.