Dan for Mayor (2010) s02e10 Episode Script

Old Fort Wessex

Hey, check this out.
Funnel cake from Old Fort Wessex.
Oh, this takes me back.
You know, I used to work at the fort.
I used to beat up the kids who worked at the fort.
Take their funnel cakes from them.
I thought it was closed.
I took my kid to a birthday party there a couple of weeks ago and it was all boarded up.
There were rats.
No, that's the way the fort always looks.
I heard homeless people live there now.
No, they're called "re-enactors.
" That's what I did.
I played the butcher.
Kind of a plum position at the Old Fort Wessex.
For nerds.
Hey, speaking of nerds, remember that joke we used to play on Brian Walcott where we told him there was a tunnel from the fort into town and he totally bought it.
That wasn't Brian Walcott, that was me.
Still, funny joke.
Who wants this? I can't eat any more.
Here.
No, thanks.
I need to avoid breaking out this week.
Big meetings with some Japanese businessmen.
If they're yakuza, I am not in the city.
You never saw me.
Not all Japanese people are stereotypes, Fern.
These guys are very proper, hard-working businessmen who are looking to bring their bus trips of tourists to Wessex.
Hey, why don't you take them to the fort.
I would, but the idea is to get them to come back to Wessex, not get run over by a wagon.
Ah, that's not going to happen again.
Look, I told you, the methadone clinic to 2 buildings over.
Unhand me, you rogue! I'm in the service of King George! Security! No, no, it's okay, Alan.
He's with Fort Wessex.
Oh, oh, oh, my apologies.
Here's some change for soup.
Can I touch your sword? Thank you, Alan.
Good to see you, colonel.
I'm General now.
I'm mayor now.
And to think, just a few years ago you were a simple butcher.
I still wonder why you ever left the fort, good butcher.
Well, I had to start grade 11.
Shame.
You could have moved up through the ranks, like me, to general.
Yeah.
Anyway, uh, I wanted to talk to you about the fort.
Ah, yes.
Sadly, the fort has seen better days.
Our equipment is so old.
Isn't it supposed to be old? I mean our turnstiles and computer systems.
We need a new Commodore 64.
Surely they've released the 65 by now.
Well, city budget is tight, but I'd like to help.
Thank you, good butcher! Perhaps there'll be a Christmas goose on the table this year after all.
I hope so, yeah.
Just-- But don't take the goose from the petting zoo this year.
It upset a lot of kids.
And done.
Mm.
Didn't you buy that, like, 3 days ago? Four.
And actually, I didn't pay for it.
I think I should get another one.
Hey, if you do, you should use the tunnel.
- What tunnel? - You know, the tunnel between Fern's and Old Fort Wessex.
What are you talking about? The old bootlegger's tunnel.
It was in the deed when I bought the bar from you.
How could you own a bar for 25 years and not know there's a tunnel under it? I didn't buy a bar to run a museum, I bought a bar to serve drinks.
Where's this tunnel? Mike, you okay if I use the boardroom? Oh, no.
Don't tell me you're experenenting with time travel again.
Close.
I'm training to be a blacksmith.
Fort's looking for volunteers.
It only cost me $200 and I can volunteer all year.
It's a scam.
The fort needs money.
Oh, Claire, is everyone from the future so cynical? They gave me a discount.
The candle maker said if I'd have waited 1 day longer, the price would have doubled.
Who's the idiot now? Hey, check out my hammer.
Mike, I've got a meeting.
Working on some Japanese business for Wessex tourism.
Cool, you should bring them to the fort.
So they can see cannons stuffed with half-eaten hot dogs? No, so they can see the mighty blacksmith.
I mean, just picture me all brawny and crude and cussing and wailing at metals.
That's a show I'd pay to see.
Your apron is burning.
Oh, come on! Oh, that cost me $90.
Boy, you were gone a while.
I couldn't find the tunnel.
I was brushing away dirt and soot and bugs.
Are you sure it's behind the water heater? Huh.
Oh, sorry, man.
I had it backwards.
You know where it must be? Under all those boxes.
You know all those boxes full of bottles and old paint? Must be right under there.
No wonder I couldn't find it.
Can you cover me for another hour? You got it, buddy.
And that is why Wessex is the heartland of the southernmost tip of the Golden Horseshoe and absolutely must be considered a fixture on your bus tours.
We just need a place to refill our gas tanks.
Of course, but if you're going to gas up, why not stay a while, right? You are very bright girl.
Oh, I didn't make that up.
It was actually a slogan from an old ad campaign that ran in the '90s.
Oh, don't worry.
We shut down those incinerators.
Claire, can you tie up my frock? I'm super late.
- Mike! - No, no, not Mike.
I get to choose my character name today.
I'm leaning towards Yarley McSlammer.
It's old-timey blacksmith.
Very good.
Oh, no, no, no.
No pictures, please.
It's not official yet.
Thank you.
You guys should come down to Fort Wessex.
Fort Wessex? Well, maybe if there's time.
We've got a packed schedule.
There's Santa's Village at Wessex Mall, there's Jacque's Steakhouse and there's a pretty good shoe store.
I mean, I really like it, so Ah, the good butcher.
True to your word, you've come back.
- Yeah.
- Sorry for the wait.
Just had some trouble with the bootblack's son.
Oh, nothing too serious, I hope.
Well, he stole thruppence from Miss Lucy's purse.
And I had to hang him.
Oh, right.
Yeah, forgot about that show.
How could you forget? The butcher was the key witness.
You probably still know the line.
Oh, I don't know Oh, what's that, butcher? It was who? Oh, it was he.
He who? The bootblack's son.
And how did you see it, butcher? Aye, General, I saw it with me own eyes.
Still gives me the chills.
Now, tell me all about this money for the fort.
This is more of a wage hold with a teeny, tiny layoff.
But the good news is council would sign off and the fort would stay open.
Well, you probably know what's best for us, Dan.
I'll take it to my troops.
Ta, guv'nor.
That's not your line.
Fern, that was more than an hour.
I know.
I had to move each of the boxes.
Some of them were pretty heavy.
But then I was moving the last box and the tunnel wasn't there.
So I moved the boxes back exactly the way they were.
Oh, man, I'm sorry.
No, don't be.
I tripped over something.
I tripped over the opening to the tunnel.
I found the tunnel, Jeff! I found it! And this is City Hall, the heart of our young, exciting city.
Feel free to take pictures.
Oh, and what a treat.
There's our young, exciting mayor.
Who's come to greet us.
Hey, Claire.
Hello, Japanese people.
This is the mayor of Wessex.
Feel free to take pictures.
Yeah, thumbs up to Japanee tourists coming to Wessex.
I'll email you the picture.
How are you all liking Wessex? The highlight appears to be Library of Public Policy.
Oh.
Didn't you go to Fort Wessex? Ah, jeez, bummer.
We haven't had time.
Oh, come on.
I used to work there.
We got 15 minutes before they hang the bootblack's son.
Fine.
But please tell me there aren't prostitutes hanging around the parking lot anymore.
Oh, no, not like there used to be.
Come on, let's go.
Fasten your bonnets and buckle your buckles.
Buckle your buckles? You're about to be transported to a simpler time.
An old-timey time.
An old-timey time? Time when butter was churned and meat was sliced.
Boo! Oh, Claire, will you give it a rest? I'm trying to take these people back in time.
That wasn't me.
Oh, look, it's uh-- Old-timey angry striking workers.
Support the fort! Support the fort! What happened? I thought we were allies.
I had a good chuckle at your proposal.
Laughed long and hard.
Until my mother's boyfriend told me to keep it down.
Look, that proposal was meant to keep this fort afloat.
With layoffs? Who am I going to cut, hm? The cobbler? The baker? The Oriental wanderer? He's the conscience of this fort.
Hey, rookie blacksmith rolling in for his first shift.
Hey, wait, why is everyone picketing? No.
No, no, come on.
They're on strike.
Isn't this your day off? Yup.
I'm here for the tunnels.
There's got to be more down there.
I get it.
This is your special equipment.
Yeah.
My grandfather was a miner.
You told me your family were all bartenders.
Yeah, we took up bartending after a mining mishap.
Now it's time to settle the score underground for Grandpa.
Show these tunnels the family Fern belongs down there.
How big is it? Uh.
Tunnel-size.
Ha! It doesn't exist.
Then why would I be wearing all this gear, Jeff? Ask yourself that.
Support the fort! - Support the fort! - We've had enough! They're paying us like it was 1807.
Aren't you just a volunteer? Who's just as sympathetic to the cause.
Sure, I make good money and yes, I sit in my Lexus every time it starts to snow, but that-- You're seriously cute, you know that? Thanks.
I was just thinking "Who's the new blacksmith?" Oh, he's just an honest tradesman who believe saucy little butter wenches are worth every ha'penny.
Hey, you're not a hard-core nerd, are you? Um, no.
Good, because I'm just a dedicated hobbyist.
If this goes anywhere, I don't want to be wearing this getup in the sack, you feel me? Is the fort closed? Hell, yes, until we get justice! And nothing will break us apart! Aw, I wanted to see a blacksmith.
You're kidding me.
Really? Well, we should respect their rights as workers.
That won't be necessary.
Right this way madam, good sir and hearty child.
Everyone out of the way.
History needs be passed on.
Boo! Thanks for putting the fort on strike.
Now where am I going to celebrate St.
Crispin's Day or get beeswax lip balm? Look, this is actually kind of serious.
And that lip balm won a Good Bee's Nest Award.
And I was this close to getting a table at Jacque's Steakhouse.
This tour is a disaster.
Hey, don't run down Fern's.
It's historic.
In the '70s, the guy from April Wine fell down those very stairs.
I thought it was David Wilcox who fell.
Guy from Wine pushed him.
None of this is helpful.
Hey, Jeff.
Hey, Fern.
Tunnel joke going well? Check out this wall sconce.
So that's a yes.
It's got to be from the 1700s, and look at these coins.
Oh, very valuable.
They're not valuable.
They're fake.
They look pretty real to me.
It's just some of the stuff in the tunnel.
What tunnel? There's no tunnel.
To Fort Wessex.
It's right under here.
Come on, I'll show you.
What are you doing? I was trying to play the tunnel trick on Fern.
Trick? It's the greatest thing that's ever happened to me.
Well, I'm off to the antique dealer.
Please show us tunnel.
Dan, tell him there's no tunnel.
Oh, you're on your own.
And that was 1801.
I thought that happened in 1809.
Sweet babe, you are just ignorant.
No, the French made us burn down our own fort in 1801.
It was 1809.
It says so on the plaque.
Forgive me for my "arronocity," for I am just a meagre blacksmith and my education poor.
Oh, lo! What have we here? 'Tis the barrel of 1801.
Why do you keep saying everything happens in 1801? Woman, you are in the early 1800s.
It is your duty to remain quiet while the men speak of historical facts.
Don't talk to me like that.
Let's just go.
That's right.
Run away and hide in your own century where everything's easier, cowards.
Wait.
Where are you going? No tunnel, no fort.
This place sucks.
Should be called "Wess-sucks.
" We stop laughing now.
You haven't seen Wessex in the right light.
We haven't even gone tobogganing down the garbage dump.
I think what Claire's trying to say is that Wessex could be a great place for your tour groups, especially the fort.
It just needs a little help.
You mean like accidental fire? No.
No, I-- I mean-- If you invested in the fort, we could work together to bring For Wessex out of the strike and back to its former glory.
Oh.
Accidental fire is much easier.
Thanks for coming, General.
I think you're going to like this.
The juice is warm.
Is it from another meeting? Um, ahem, as you a k know, Fort Wessex sits on vast expanse of land.
Fern says there's a tunnel under it.
There's no tunnel.
I heard he found a skeleton.
As the butcher said, Fort Wessex on very beautiful land.
So step 1; beautify the fort by getting rid of old buildings.
Uh, don't worry.
I think what he means is to make room for the new old buildings.
Oh, no, to make room for rides in miniature old-timey village, with mini-putt, driving range and condominium complex on top.
And to make like easier for you, General, we replace fort re-enactors with animatronics.
Very realistic.
Robots! This keeps getting better.
Bravo, Dan.
The Iroquois shaman said this day would come.
When we talked about this there were no condos, no rides.
I know.
They're so creative.
Will the mall have a Northern Reflections? Oh, and will the robots travel back and forth in the tunnel? I'm taking some warm juice.
Look, everyone, please can we just-- Hooray for the butcher! Hooray! No, no, I-- "This will be my last entry.
"With the fort falling, "I must begin the arduous task of disseminating résumés.
" I'm-- I'm sorry.
I didn't know the Japanese were going to do this.
Right.
Old, slick Danny who works all the angles got the wool pulled over his eyes by a bunch of Japans.
No, I'm serious.
I didn't know.
I can't do this anymore.
I'm-- I'm done with the 1800s.
I got to get back to the real world.
Hey, just-- Just-- Just tell me one thing, huh? What? Does Mulder ever find Samantha? What--? No, don't tell me.
I want to find out for myself.
Come on, man.
I saw it with me own eyes.
Curtain call, Dan.
Big rager happening here tonight.
Percival.
I mean, Greg.
If you toss this junk in the fireplace, you're free to start boozing.
No one's burning their costumes.
Now look, General.
Name's Ralph.
General! Kids need to know they can find history without opening books or going to school.
Is this my butcher gear? Never got rid of it.
I always hoped you'd be back, but, you know, that never happened.
Well, I'm back now.
Okay, Dan.
We'll be there right away.
Hey, Jeff, trouble at the fort.
Dan needs us ASAP.
We'll take the tunnel.
Yeah, you can borrow my coveralls.
Oh, Fern, you know what? You take "the tunnel" and I'll take your truck, and we can bring this to a merciful end.
The tunnel is real.
It's mentioned in the deed.
Remember, the one you got when you bought the place? See you at the fort.
- Better hurry.
- You better hurry.
And when we're done demolishing this place, you guys should check out the old farmhouse where I was born.
Great spot for a gas station.
Halt! Ye shall go no further.
Why are you talking like that? And what happened to the clothes I set out for you this morning? He's talking like that because he's a man of his own accord.
And if you don't like that, I'm single and I can cook.
Huh? All right, kids.
Playtime is over.
Take your bonnets and your fifes and shuffle off to the bus stop.
Look, I know this fort may not look like much, but you see right over there? That's where I first pantsed Terry Wardlaw.
I ran Gord Ferguson's underwear up that flagpole.
Okay, maybe it was my underwear, but still we all saluted.
And under that cannon right there, that's where I first kissed Claire.
Aw.
Oh, that wasn't me.
It wasn't? We never kissed at the fort.
Oh.
Well, whoever it was, we got to third base.
I still think it's kind of sweet that you drunkenly thought it was me.
And that's a much nicer memory than making out under the dartboard at Fern's.
That's so romantic.
Count me in! There are people who want to create new memories under that cannon, and I'm looking at you, butter wench.
This is great.
I mean, I know that hammer's just painted wood, but thanks a lot, Mike.
Oh, Charlie.
I'm still in character.
What about you, Alan? You guys seriously better move.
Okay, we don't have Alan.
Ha! Where's Fern? Where's Fern? That's right nowhere.
Why? Because there's no tunnel.
Boom! Yes! I'm the man! Ha, ha! What's going on here? Japanese are tearing the fort down.
Oh.
What are you doing? Well, Fern tried to trick me into thinking there was a tunnel from the bar to Fort Wessex.
You believed him? You don't understand.
He had a sconce and coins.
We sell those in our gift shop.
Nerd.
There's no tunnel? Tell me the robots are real.
Oh, yeah.
All right! Let's tear this mother down! Wait.
I am impressed by your passion and determination.
Tell you what, little butcher.
We will keep Fort Wessex alive By naming condo.
"New Fort Wessex.
" Okay, we start crushing now.
Hold your ground.
Alan has no idea how to drive that thing, does he? No.
We should probably get out of the way now.
Come on.
Well, here we are.
A couple of crazy kids drinking under the cannon once again.
Dan, I keep telling you it wasn't me.
Let's just pretend it was.
Okay.
Come here, butcher.
Give this salty wench a kiss.
You got to love those tunnels.
Who's up for funnel cakes?