Dan Vs. (2010) s01e09 Episode Script

Baseball

( horns honking ) Why did that funeral have to take so long? I'm going to miss my show.
( horn honks ) ( growls ) Announcer: That's right.
- It's baseball fever - ( horn honks ) here in Los Angeles.
Good luck finding parking anywhere near the stadium.
This is an outrage.
( lock clicks ) How does this place get messier when I'm not even here? Oh, well.
I got my sammich, my favorite TV show.
I'll be able to wait out this baseball numskullery.
Commentator: We are thrilled to preempt the season finale of "The Adventures of Population Control Johnny" But we were going to find out who stole his extra bullets! - to bring you - ( bat cracks ) baseball! No! No! The one thing I look forward to at the end of a miserable, no-good day are my stories.
Don't take that away from me, please.
Commentator: It's hit long.
It's going, going.
Home run.
It's out of the stadium.
Anything but this.
And off of a billboard and onto the street.
Commentator #2: Which actually happens to be the most repugnant neighborhood in the city.
That's my neighborhood.
Commentator: It appears to be bouncing toward that incredibly dingy apartment building.
That's my apartment building.
Oh, no.
My car.
( gasps ) ( whistles ) - ( fans screaming ) - ( punches landing ) I got it! Commentator: Looks like someone's going home - with a nice little souvenir.
- ( steam whistling ) Get away from my car, you mouth-breathers! ( squeaks, shatters ) Thanks.
Baseball! - ( bat cracks ) - ( organ plays ) Dan: Baseball is a contemptible sport.
It's not contemptible.
It needs to pay.
It ruined my TV time, and it broke the side mirror on my car.
- How exactly? - It preempted my stories.
I meant the mirror thing.
( groans ) Don't get bogged down with minutiae.
Drive me to Washington.
I am going to yell at the president of baseball.
He's called a commissioner.
Oh, commissioner.
La-dee-da.
I'll have him reimburse me for my mirror and promise never to preempt my show again.
How do you plan to do that? Step one, you drive me to Washington.
- Step two, shut up.
- Okay, I'll go.
I don't want to hear your excuses, you miserable-- Wait.
Did you say okay? Yeah, do you think we could try and get into the World Series? I mean, the last game's being played there in three days.
Dan: Wait.
You like baseball? I really do.
Plus I'm on my own this weekend.
Elise is-- Irrelevant.
We go to see the Commissioner.
If he won't meet my demands, then you have to break his legs, okay? - Uh, no.
- ( sighs ) Fine.
One leg.
Come and pick me up.
Dan: Man, I hate baseball.
You can't hate baseball.
It's our national pastime.
( scoffs, chuckles ) Maybe 80 years ago.
Have you ever actually seen a baseball game? All the way through? Of course not.
It's tedious.
It's like team golf.
I'll admit it's a little slow on television, but actually at the park, it is magical.
They say the same thing about childbirth, but, buddy, that ain't magic.
( Chris sighs ) I'm going to call Elise.
- Oh, yeah.
Where is she again? - Overseas.
At a consumer electronics convention.
It should be just about lunchtime there now.
( alarm blaring faintly ) - ( cell phone rings ) - Hyah! Hah! - ( guard screams ) - ( gasps ) Hey, you.
- How's the convention going? - Oh, fine.
It-- - it-- hang on.
- ( gunfire ) - What was that? - ( gunfire ) There's a video game demo - happening right next to me.
- Oh.
Sounds cool.
- Um, yeah.
- ( grunts ) Hey, can I call you back? I'm a little busy at the moment.
Yeah, sure.
Love you.
- Love you.
- ( beeps ) I Iove you? ( grunts ) ( Chris whistles ) Back off, pal.
I'm here to see the Commissioner.
Nobody gets in without an appointment.
Wait a minute.
Didn't you play shortstop for Baltimore? You were amazing.
Ex-wife got the ball contract in the divorce.
She batted.
300 last season.
You still can't see the Commissioner.
But I have grievances.
Plus my friend Chris here's going to break his legs.
No, I'm not.
Oh, come on.
We talked about this.
We did.
I said I wouldn't do it.
It's a federal offense to threaten the Commissioner of Baseball.
Who's threatening? We're talking about full-on kidnapping here.
We have a situation here.
Two suspects are attempting to kidnap the Commissioner.
We were only joking.
Tell them you were joking.
- I never joke about kidnapping.
- ( alarm blaring ) Dan, we've got to go.
Aah! Don't use my name.
But you just used mine, like, two seconds ago.
Well, from now on, your new name is Monkeyface McGee.
( alarm continues blaring ) Let's go, Monkeyface.
Now do you hate baseball? No, but I hate you a little bit.
Ow! Hey.
All I wanted was to see the Commissioner, read my demands, maybe cause him some bodily harm.
What do we do now? How about going to the game? It starts in a couple of hours.
Go to a baseball game? Have you completely lost sight of what we're doing here? The Commissioner will be there.
Wait.
I just had an idea.
We should go to the baseball game.
The Commissioner will be there.
- But I just-- - Yup bup bup bup.
The game's sold out, of course, so You guys want tickets? ( laughs ) $1,000? Pay the man, Monkeyface.
That was pretty much my life savings, but it's worth it to be here at the World Series.
Look.
Batting practice.
What's sad is this is more interesting than the game.
Where are our seats? Those guys are sitting in them.
I did not pay good money to have a couple of slack-jawed yokels gank our seats.
You didn't pay anything.
Hey, yokels, out of our seats! These are our seats, see? Hey, look.
They're in our seats.
We got tickets, pal.
Hey, I've got tickets for those seats, too.
Me, too.
Everyone calm down.
Now, look, all of your tickets are obviously counterfeit.
Ours are the real ones, so if you'd just kindly move-- - Hey, get off me.
- Move it.
- ( gasps ) - ( gasps ) ( crowd yelling ) Chris, quick! Grab a bat and help me! Oh, no.
Commentator: Uh-oh, folks.
Well, there appears to be a minor riot here at the stadium.
( shouting ) Dan: Well, that plan didn't work.
We didn't see the Commissioner, and you're out two grand.
Nice.
How can you stand to be tear-gassed? My eyes are watering just sitting next to you.
( laughs ) I've been tear-gassed so many times, I don't even notice anymore.
( coughing ) Well-- ( coughs ) well, I notice.
Could you back off, please? I can barely eat sitting next to you.
Reporter: The brazen attempted kidnapping of the Baseball Commissioner has been foiled by the combined efforts of several federal agencies.
These two suspects are still at large and are considered armed and dangerous.
Oh, look at that.
Those pictures don't even look like us.
Actually, Dan, it's probably a really good thing if the police sketches don't look like us.
Don't be so sensitive.
One is described as "big and goony-looking" and goes by the alias Monkeyface.
Goony-looking? - Now who's sensitive? - Well, it's just so insulting.
We need to get back to the stadium so I can make baseball buy me a new mirror and stop preempting my show.
How would we even get back in? Hey, I just came up with the plan.
Now it's your job to come up with the logistics.
( cash register beeps ) Okay, you know, I don't want to keep harping on this, but you really need to take a shower.
I'm feeling like I got maced.
Tear-gassed.
Mace is tangier.
Could you back up, please? As soon as I hear a plan.
All right, all right.
I'll-- I'll call Elise.
Maybe she has an idea.
( indistinct conversation ) ( cell phone rings ) Hey.
This isn't really a good time.
I won't keep you.
I just want to get some advice on something.
Okay.
How would you sneak in to a place that has a lot of security? How would you sneak in to a place that has a lot of security? Excuse me.
Where is your access badge? Funny you should ask that.
- Why do you say that? - Never mind.
In general, I find it helps to dress as someone who belongs, then talk my way in using whatever intelligence I have at my disposal.
- Okay, but-- - Hey, I really should get going.
There's a presentation on proprietary databases that I cannot miss.
Oh, okay.
Well, have fun.
Hey, could we catch up a little later? Sounds good.
I'll call you when I get a chance.
( guards coughing ) - ( timer beeping ) - ( gasps ) I feel bad for Elise.
Her job sounds so boring.
Well? She says dress as someone who belongs there.
Batboys.
( Dan laughs ) What's with the outfit? You look ridiculous.
I'm a batboy.
What are you supposed to be? I'm the Batboy.
I need to see your passes.
I need no pass.
I'm Batboy.
He's the new mascot.
Yes, mascot.
He's the Baseball Bat.
- You haven't heard of him? - No.
- ( hisses ) - ( coughs ) That suit actually has weapons? Kind of.
I tried to throw a smoke bomb, but it got caught in my sleeve and went off.
Now it feels like my arm's on fire.
Uh, Dan, your arm is on fire.
( screaming ) Dan, stop, drop, and roll.
Never! - Dan: Ow! - ( women screaming ) - Gah! That burns.
- ( keys jingle ) Uh-oh.
Looks like we got ourselves another streaker.
Hey, he should really do some sit-ups.
( fans cheering ) I can't believe I'm actually on the field at the World Series.
You're the new guy? Aren't you a little old for a batboy? I have a condition, sir.
- ( doorknob rattling ) - ( pounding ) ( grunts ) ( banging on locker door ) ( organ playing ) This is awesome.
( keys jingles ) Guard: Did you see anyone run through here? Uh yeah, a while ago.
Sir, you need to get out on the field.
I'll escort you.
( fans cheering ) Where do I stand? ( hacking ) ( sighs ) ( organ playing ) Eep! Ball.
Ah, come on, ump! That was a strike.
So you like baseball? Never talk to me.
Wow.
Dan? - ( crowd cheers ) - Foul ball.
- ( crowd groans ) - What are you talking about? He didn't even swing.
Are you arguing with me? Arguing? How could it be a foul ball? Do you even know the rules of baseball? How dare you yell at me, you cretin? I'm going to have your pitching license revoked.
Pitching license? - What are you talking about? - Oh, is that so? That's the most ridiculous call I've ever seen.
You're the one who's ridiculous.
- You aren't qualified to be umpire.
- I didn't learn to tie - my own shoes until I was 12.
- You're off your rocker.
- Nobody taught me.
- You should turn in your mask.
Can you imagine how that feels? That's it! I'm out of here! Commentator: That's odd.
I've seen players thrown out of games before, but never have I seen an umpire eject himself, at least not in the postseason.
- ( dials ) - Here goes nothing.
- Steady hands.
- ( cell phone rings ) ( timer beeping ) Hey, guess where I am right now.
- I can't really talk.
- Even for a minute? I don't really have a minute.
Oh.
Okay.
Well, it's just, you know, we haven't gotten a chance to talk for a couple of days, and I miss you.
( sighs ) All right, where are you? I'm on the field at the World Series.
- What? - I know, right? It's incredible.
I got spat on by actual baseball players.
- That's great.
- How are you? Hey, which color do you prefer, Hey, which color do you prefer, orange or green? Well - they both have their merits.
- Orange or green? Are you thinking of painting our living room? - Orange or green? - Orange.
( sighs ) Actually, green.
( scoffs ) $20 for a hot dog? How can you sleep at night charging those prices? I sleep on a big pile of money.
But I can't sell you a hot dog right now.
I have to go up to the skybox.
The Commissioner himself wants a hot dog.
I wasn't going to buy one anyway, you-- Did you say, "The Commissioner"? ( knock on door ) Your hot dogs are here, Commissioner.
I'll go get your mulled wine.
What took you so long? I had to knock the real guy out, change into his clothes.
It takes time.
Buns! Mace! ( screaming ) Dan on P.
A.
: Monkeyface.
Attention, Monkeyface.
Meet me in the arking lot-pay.
- ( bat cracks ) - ( cheering ) ( coughs ) Oh, did you get tear-gassed again? - Maced.
- And you stole hot dogs.
Did they get maced? Actually, it doesn't matter.
Can I have one? Not yet.
Help me push this cart to our car.
Wait.
What is this? - Where are the hot dogs? - Help! This, my friend, is a bargaining chip.
Get the duct tape.
Let go.
( grunts ) You be quiet.
Monkeyface, tape his arms.
- Please stop calling me that.
- Nope.
So sorry about this.
- What do you want from me? - I want my mirror.
What are you talking a-- ( muffled grunting ) Wait.
So we are kidnappers? Now.
I am very disappointed in us.
Aw, metoo, buddy.
- Chris: Oh, man.
- ( trunk thumping ) - Oh, man.
- Relax.
We're fine.
I'll turn on the radio so you can't hear the muffled thumps, okay? Announcer: A massive multistate manhunt is under way for the kidnappers of the Commissioner of Baseball.
See? That's better.
Oh, man.
( thumping ) ( lock clicks ) We should give him some water or something.
He's been lying on the floor in the backseat for two days.
Softy.
Man, this place is filthy.
I prefer the car.
You'd better watch your mouth, or things could get nasty, you callous, mirror-breaking troglodyte.
Troglodyte? Mirror-breaking? Yes.
You broke my side mirror, and we're not letting you go until baseball buys me a new one.
That's all you want? Take my wallet and buy yourself a new mirror.
Don't mind if I do.
See, Chris? We're halfway there.
Go get me a new mirror, and then get back here.
We need to build an elaborate death trap to put him in.
- Death trap? - ( swallows ) Shouldn't we feed him something? I don't know what Baseball Commissioners eat.
- Wait.
Death trap? - ( hammering ) Boy, I bet your neighbors hate you.
They really do.
That's fine.
I hate them.
Let's see if this works.
Listen, you two, it's time to let me go.
- I bought you a new mirror.
- Don't make me gag you again.
( grunting ) Perfect.
It holds.
I'm going to call the Baseball Council and let them know we have their ringleader hanging upside down.
Hanging upside down isn't much of a death trap.
It's your fault.
You didn't get me the spinning blades or the alligators.
- I got you sharks.
- ( squeaks ) I've been telling you you're going to be on the phone.
They won't see anything anyway.
You can tell them whatever you want.
Yeah, but it's high time I had a death trap.
( screams ) Ow! Help! Ow! Help! That's it.
You're getting gagged.
Give me your phone.
I'm going to make the ransom call.
You're not using my phone.
They can trace those things.
- Yeah, to you.
- Why don't you use my phone? I'll even give you the number to call.
( dials ) - ( phone rings ) - Hello.
Hello, ruling body of baseball.
By now, you realize who this is.
I sure hope not.
I don't mean who we are, Chris.
I just mean that we're the guys who kidnapped the Commissioner.
I was an unwitting accomplice.
You're the criminal here, Dan.
I was just helping.
- Which makes you a criminal.
- You make me a criminal.
So we're criminals.
Now, where was l? - You want them to-- - I know.
I know, dunderhead.
Be quiet.
Now, if you don't stop preempting my show-- Now, if you don't stop preempting my show-- What show was preempted? "The Adventures of Population Control Johnny.
" What? I love that show.
I would never preempt it.
- I watch it before the game.
- You lie.
It's probably the time difference thing.
Tell you what.
You let me go, and I'll make sure that show is never preempted again.
How do I know I can trust you? What was the season finale of the show about? Who stole Johnny's extra bullets.
It was-- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Don't tell me! ( tires squeal ) You know, this is kind of sad.
I've really grown attached to the little guy.
Me too, buddy, but it's the right thing to do.
And if you don't do the right thing I will.
I promise.
Thank you for letting me go.
- Wait.
Can you untie me? - ( car doors close ) Andwheream I? Hey.
I brought you something from the consumer electronics convention.
Wow.
What is it? Paperweight.
It's completely harmless.
Oh.
Why wouldn't it be? ( sighs ) We've been through a lot together, television, old friend, but it's worth it.
Commentator: And now we're happy to preempt your regularly scheduled programming to bring you basketball! ( meows ) Oh, come on! ( theme music playing ) Crowd: Ahh.