Dan Vs. (2010) s01e20 Episode Script

Burgerphile

Come on! We're in a hurry here.
Welcome to Burgerphile! Would you like to try my new veggie shake? I would never want to try that.
Are you ready to order? Yes.
I'll have a plain hamburger, no cheese.
Okay, cheeseburger.
What else? No.
No.
Not a cheeseburger.
Hamburger.
And I want it plain, just the meat and bun.
Do you want cheese on that? No! Plain! - Meat and bun only.
- What else? A medium cola, light ice.
Did I mention I want my hamburger plain? And I'll get two double third-pounders with cheese meals.
A large double meat and, uh hmm uh okay a chocolate shake.
Drive through.
Here's your food, sir.
Thank you for choosing Burgerphile.
Drive through.
Could we also grab a bunch of ketchup? Um, a bunch of ketchup.
Do they take the ketchup packet loss directly out of your salary? Just grab a handful and throw it in.
Drive through.
Aw, come on! Stop the car.
Oh, hey.
Haven't seen you in a while.
How have you been? Great.
Well, not great, but good.
Well, not good, despondent.
You look nice.
Anyway, I just went through drive-thru and you guys got my order wrong.
Well, not you, specifically, I mean-- What seems to be the problem here? This gentleman got the wrong order.
That's impossible.
I'm pretty sure the mistake is on your end, sir.
What?! This burger has cheese on it! I'm allergic to cheese.
You must have forgotten to ask for it without cheese.
I would never forget to ask that! It was the first thing I said! Look, sir.
I don't want to call you a liar, but I have a perfect record of customer service.
No mistakes.
Jeremiah Burger, founder, president, chairman, and CEO of Jeremiah Burger Foods Limited, once personally commended my unblemished track record.
I don't care if you sprang fully formed from the head of Zeus! You messed up! Either give me what I paid for or give me my money back! Well, neither of those things are going to happen.
Mac, Karl.
Please escort this gentleman off the premises.
This is an outrage! I demand satisfaction! I'm really sorry, sir.
- Don't apologize to him.
- Sorry, sir.
I'll get you for this! I will have my cheese-less burger and you shall be blemished, sir! Blemished! How'd it go? BURGERPHILE!!! What seems to be the problem here? Take my money and try to poison me.
Actually, they took my money.
So, get mad already.
Think, how can we make this right? Grease fire? Well, you don't want to destroy the restaurant, do you? - Don't l? - You don't.
This place is like 70% of your diet.
If you burn it down, you'll probably starve to death.
I've got it.
I'll need a shovel, a coffin, an air tube and a strong back.
Yours will do.
We're not burying anyone alive.
But the air tube! Wait, just one guy? Yeah.
Some megalomaniacal manager with tunnel vision.
He is so concerned about having a perfect service record that he won't let anything get in his way.
Even service.
He wouldn't let Hortense fix my order.
Hortense? Oh, you mean your girlfriend.
She's not my girlfriend.
- Not with that attitude.
- You're no help.
Looks like I will have to do this myself, as usual.
Have fun.
- Mac.
Karl.
- They're on break.
Sir, this is your last chance.
I demand satisfaction.
No.
I challenge you to a duel, sir.
A duel? Wow.
That was assault.
I'm calling the police! Hortense, call the police! Yes, Hortense, do call the police.
Surely they'll side with me.
Just leave.
You are not welcome here.
You're bad for business.
Oh, I'm bad for business, am l? Yes.
And as the sign clearly states, "l reserve the right to refuse service to anyone for any reason.
" And my reason is I don't like you.
I see your game.
This isn't over! Chris, get in the car! Good afternoon, sir.
Show me to your heaviest, most indestructible chain.
What do you need to chain up? Me.
For a magic trick? Don't make this weird.
Here we are.
This is the Executive.
Almost unbreakable.
Say when.
- I think that's enough.
- Not yet.
When.
Say, for an extra $10, I could have my nephew carry it out for you.
It's very heavy.
That's okay.
I have a Chris.
Oh, hi.
I'm super sorry, but I'm supposed to refuse you service.
That's fine, actually.
I'm not here for service.
I'd like to speak with the manager.
I'm actually supposed to kick you out.
I don't want to, but you know, orders.
Don't fret, this isn't on you.
Chris, enshackle me.
"Enshackle" is not a word.
Oh, I'm sorry, Officer Dictionary.
Just do it.
Uh.
Jeff.
What is it, Hortense? I'm organizing cheese.
What do you think you're doing? All I wanted was what I ordered or a refund.
You denied me both.
You can call as many goons as you like, but these chains are unbreakable.
Sic semper tyrannis! Wow.
He speaks French.
I am calling the police! Call whomever you like.
I shan't surrender until I get what I ordered and you admit that a mistake was made.
- Never! - Well, then, here we are.
Be careful, they hate getting your order right.
Those are nice shoes.
Did you know the fries here give you scabies? Told you.
Hi, Dan.
What's new? Did you know the chicken here is made entirely out of the cutest otters they can find? - It is? - Of course not.
It's mostly soy product and recycled newspaper.
I thought it was just chicken.
You are so trusting.
Dan, why don't you go home? This is bound to end poorly.
You should really listen to the lady.
The police are on their way.
Ooh.
The police.
I'm so scared.
What are they going to do? Lock me in chains? Listen, why don't you just let me buy you a burger? Oh, that's-- thank you, but this is about more than a single burger, sweet counter maid.
Just let her buy you a burger.
Heck, I'll buy you a burger.
It's a principle thing, Elise.
I thought you of all people would understand that.
- Really? - I understand.
But as an employee of Burgerphile, I can't officially take your side.
Even if I want to.
Burger nymph, in thy orisons be all my sins remember'd.
You talk funny.
That's him, officers, arrest him.
Who? The goofy-looking fella with the pretty lady? Goofy-looking? She must be his nurse or something.
- Hey.
- No, the guy chained to the counter.
Oh, didn't even notice him there.
Me neither.
He looks so natural, I just assumed he was part of the decor.
Well, he's not.
He's trespassing and hurting business.
The only thing that's hurting your business is poor customer service.
Alright, sir.
Let's go.
Mmm nah.
- Please? - No, thanks.
Sorry, sir.
There's not a whole lot we can do.
- What? - We asked him nicely.
Well, arrest him.
He's trespassing, he's loitering, disturbing the customers.
And look, he's not even wearing shoes.
My feet get hot.
See? No shoes, no service! So, don't serve him.
All available officers to the Montessori School, multiple 783s.
Isn't that a werewolf attack? We got to go.
Bu-- wha-- Support the Policeman's Ball.
You can't keep this up forever.
Eventually you'll get hungry.
Eventually you'll go bald.
What's your point? No one is to feed this man.
Any customer caught offering him food will be banned from the restaurant.
Any employee who offers him food will be fired.
Fired! Do you know how long it takes to starve to death? Or the effect that having a chained-up corpse at your counter will have on business? You'll give up before you die.
You clearly don't know who you're messing with.
Oh, he's so principled.
I can't keep doing nothing.
Hello? Channel 32? How do I look? Good as usual? All right, make sure my hair is on.
And that's why ketchup is better for you than broccoli.
We're here inside the Burgerphile, where a man has chained himself to the counter.
- Wait.
Hold on! Don't film him! - Why not? If this gets back to corporate, they'll put me on the first train back to Maryland.
Ooh.
Not Maryland.
There's a very simple solution to this, Jeff.
Admit you made a mistake or give me a refund and I'll be on my way.
Now what do you have to say to that, sir? No deal.
Well, there you have it folks.
Yet another story of one man's struggle against a heartless corporate entity.
Are we out? Thanks, guys.
That's great TV.
- Get out of my restaurant! - Nope.
You're really brave standing up for your beliefs.
It's why I called the media.
You did that? For me? Hortense, don't fraternize with the enemy while you're on the clock.
Well, I guess I have to get back to work.
Oh.
Okay.
Keep fighting.
I believe in you.
Oh, no! Dude! You're the dude, dude! What now? Hippies.
I should really get back to my station.
Mac and Karl's fingers are too thick to work the register.
I needed to talk to you about that guy in there.
- Dan? - Whatever his name is.
He likes you, you know.
Pfft.
Really? You think? Of course.
So, what I need you to do is use that to manipulate him into leaving.
What? I don't think I can do that, sir.
It's wrong.
Hortense, Hortense, Hortense.
You want to become assistant manager someday, don't you? Of course.
It's like practically all I think about.
I can make that happen for you.
All you have to do is convince your little friend to give up his protest and go home.
I get ya.
What was that all about? He thinks you'll give up your protest if I go out with you.
I said you wouldn't.
Oh, right.
I could not love thee, dear, so much, Ioved I not honor more.
I have no idea what you just said, but now I totally get what I have to do.
My title is customer service representative! I can't let this injustice continue! - I'm on strike! - Sweet! Get in my chains! No.
No, no, no.
No, no! This is really bad! I won't go back to Maryland, I won't! I still have the nightmares.
Say no to pickle murders! You sing it, sister! Pickles are gross! Hey, guys! Over here! Wow, Dan.
You've really started something.
Yup.
I think they're about to cave.
They're so busy fielding complaints, they're not even serving food.
Oh.
We were going to grab dinner.
Oh, don't worry.
We can just go across the street.
I see you've made a new friend, Dan.
I'm Hortense.
Dan's girlfriend.
Wow, Dan.
Way to go.
Why are you so surprised? The ladies love me.
What? They do.
Ladies and gentlemen.
While admitting no wrong-doing on the parts of Burgerphile, wholly owned subsidiary of Jeremiah Burger Foods Limited International lncorporated, a Division of Drags Chemical and Munitions Corporation, we realize some of our customers are not completely satisfied.
So, please, enjoy the table of complimentary cheeseburgers outside.
Hey.
There's no table-- Checkmate.
Please.
Every revolution has a few weak links.
But these won't break, nor will l.
Well, we'll just see about that.
Stop it, Jeff! He's had enough! I'll say when he's had enough.
Retract your complaint! Never! Jeff! What is the meaning of this? And why is there an angry mob outside demanding free cheeseburgers? Mr.
Burger, what are you doing here? What am I doing here?! I'm watching the news, having my midday burger, and what do I see?! I can explain.
Let me! This wackadoo got my order wrong and then refused to fix it.
Plus, he's been torturing me, which is seriously uncool.
What do you have to say for yourself, Jeff? He obviously just ordered wrong.
- I meant about the torture thing.
- Oh.
That.
Well, yeah.
But I swear he ordered his burger with cheese.
I said no cheese! I've heard enough! Jeff, you've forgotten the first rule of customer service.
Um, don't let them go for your eyes? The customer is always right.
But my perfect record.
I'm sorry, Jeff.
No! Oh, no.
What have I done? I-I think I've killed him.
Probably, but let's not forget why we're all here.
You got my order wrong! You don't get it.
I have no family, no friends.
My perfect record is all I have! Wow, you just made me really sad right now.
Come on, Mr.
Burger! Wake up! Please wake up.
You're the closest thing I have to a father! Hey, does anyone else smell smoke? And hot grease? Boy, I sure hope those two don't-- Oh, no! Burgerphile! No! Burgerphile! I'll save you! You do care about this place? Of course I do.
I've always cared.
You two aren't so very different after all.
- Major twist, bro.
- Shut up! Okay.
Quick, get the flames on the window.
This window? Yes, the one on fire! Now you know how it feels when someone gets your order wrong.
Take that, you life-ruiner! Condiments! My eyes! My beautiful eyes! Dan, heads up! Say goodbye, walking sticks.
No, I need them for walking! - Dan, the fire! - Oh, right.
What the-- Help me up.
I can reset the sprinkler system.
You know you're supposed to check those every three months, Jeff.
Yeah, and we're supposed to toss the burgers when they get that rancid rainbow, but here on the front lines we have to make do with what we've got.
My hero.
Now for you, Jeff.
Sir, please.
I know this got a teensy bit out of control-- Teensy? You forgot the most important thing, Jeff! Customer service is about the customer! Also, you nearly killed me, which is irksome.
There's only one thing left for you.
Mac, Karl.
Anything but Maryland! Anything! Send me to jail, just don't make me go back to that awful place! Goodbye, Jeff.
I don't know about you guys, but I could really use a burger about now.
How do you take yours? Naked.
A man after my own heart.
- Where have you guys been? - We had dinner across the street.
It was amazing.
So much better than Burg-- I mean-- sorry.
Hortense, your selfless actions have set an example for customer service persons everywhere.
Thank you, sir.
By the power vested in me, I hereby pronounce you regional manager.
Oh, thank you, sir! Do me proud, Hortense.
Congratulations! This is so great for you! It is, but it's not good for us.
What do you mean? I'll have to move.
That's true.
To our regional headquarters in Santa Monica.
Maybe I won't go.
You have to go.
I can't let you give up on your dreams.
Not after everything you've done for me.
I can't have you regret me.
I would never regret you.
Time to go, Hortense.
Let's take the corporate helicopter to your new life.
How do you like your burger? I'll always like you like you! We'll always have heavy chains! I can't believe she's gone forever.
You know, Dan, Santa Monica is only 20 miles away.
It's just a straight shot down the highway.
You could be there in half an hour.
Gone forever.
Oh, brother.
Protest buddy.
Little help with these chains.
- Please.
- Just ignore him.