Dan Vs. (2010) s02e02 Episode Script
Dan Vs. The Mall Santa
Now you can't believe everything in this book Mr.
Mumbles.
Mrs.
Claus is still very bitter about the divorce.
Yuletide greetings, Dan.
And to you, fine sir.
Hey, give me some money.
Nope.
Oh, come on! I'm destitute, and I need to buy a Christmas present for--you know who.
Aw, that's- Hey Wait, you never get me anything.
That's not true! Remember last year? Oh, You mean when you borrowed fifty bucks from me and then gave me a twenty-five dollar gift card? Hey, buddy, you're worth it.
And then you never paid me back.
We're going in circles! Listen, I need you to help me help me.
Uh, well I'm on my way to the mall.
They're hiring seasonal employees for Christmas Crossing.
You should come.
Don't be stupid.
I don't need a job.
I need money.
Resumes, please.
I demand the role of Santa.
To prepare, I spent last night in a chimney.
Ooh.
I've already got my Santa.
But I do have a couple of jobs I think you gentlemen would be perfect for.
Five minutes, everyone! Magic time! This is beneath me.
At least you don't have to spend all day in a giant snow globe.
Ho, ho- eh, who gives a crap? Watch it! And what kind of language is that? Santa's supposed to be jolly and kind, you jerk.
Get out of my face.
I'm working a minimum wage job for a holiday I don't even celebrate.
How can you not celebrate Christmas? You're Santa! I'm confused.
I know you're not a child because you have facial hair.
But it sounds like you actually believe in Santa Claus.
Of course I do! Read your Bible! Listen to me, you unshaven little elf, if you ever-- What's going on here? Why aren't you two working? I was trying to, Supervisor Darla, this poor little elf is having some trouble getting into the Christmas spirit.
Get your filthy hands off me, you fat-- Whoa whoa whoa now.
That is no way for an elf to speak to Jolly St.
Nick.
You better straighten up and fly right mister, or I'll find someone else to fill those pointy shoes.
Ho ho ho, ugly.
MALL SANTA!!! Narrator: HoHoHo I hope you asked for pain this Christmas, because I'm going to-! Going to what? Please, tell Santa, and this innocent, sickly child who loves Christmas more than life itself, what you're going to do.
I'm going towalk the reindeer.
That was one of Santa's magical helper elves! I call him "Stinky.
" Bye, Stinky! Could you not tap on the glass? Sound gets magnified like crazy in there.
I have a massive headache already.
Sure, just help me get rid of the Mall Santa.
Dan, can't you just let it go for once? It's Christmas.
That's exactly my point! This man is a representative of Santa.
A diplomat, if you will.
And, get this, the guy doesn't even believe in Christmas! That can't be right.
He's Santa! Now, we can't act until his lunch break, so the kids don't see, but I have a plan that involves licking a candy cane down to a razor-sharp point and then stabbing him in his bowl full of jelly! Okay.
Even if I were willing to help you commit assault with a deadly holiday candy, I can't lose this job.
I have to buy Christmas presents.
And so do you.
Remember Mr.
Mumbles? Mr.
Mumbles will understand! I'm defending the good name of Santa here! What are you two doing? Breaks every six hours, not in between.
Back to the happiness mines, people! Sorry, Dan, can't help you.
OhCheer up, and that's an order! If you can't be happy, I'll find an elf who can! That's right, little fellow! Ho, ho, ho! This isn't over.
(elise is on the phone) Yes, I'd just like to confirm that my order will be here by Christmas? That's correct, it's the "Fried Food of the Month" club, but I want it all here at the same time I'll call you back.
(spy-boss over communicator) Dancing Shadow, we have a priority Alpha advisory for you.
Talk to me.
(spy-boss over communicator) An enemy operative is believed to be in your area, probably with orders to neutralize you.
Anyone I know? (spy-boss over communicator) Negative.
(spy-boss over communicator) Very little is known about the enemy agent who operates under the code name "The Snowman.
" I've heard of him.
Master of disguise, able to blend into his surroundings and wait patiently for his prey (spy-boss over communicator) Correct.
He is known for leaving a snowflake calling card.
Very cute.
(spy-boss over communicator) Adorable.
(spy-boss over communicator) We believe he was responsible for the disappearance of two of our top operatives last year.
And he's after me? Now? When I have Christmas shopping to do? (spy-boss over communicator) Watch your six, Dancing Shadow.
Ho, ho-! Ho-ACHOO! Oh, excuse me, Stinky.
(dan to himself) There will be nothing left but a scrap of red felt and a smoking pair of extra wide boots.
(chris to himself) This is so humiliating.
They could replace me with a Styrofoam snowman and no one would notice.
Hey, don't tell Elise what I'm doing, okay? I don't want her to think less of me.
Don't worry.
There's no way she could possibly think less of you.
But you might want to put your snowman head back on.
Did she see me? I don't think so.
Perfect! Maybe I can follow her and find out what she's getting me for Christmas.
Chris! That is not in the holiday spirit.
Now come help me annihilate Santa.
Hurry up, you lout! We're on in two minutes! Who wants a noogie? Get off of me, you oaf! Why are you hitting your elf? Why are you hitting your elf? Stop it! Stop it! Hey, good kick.
Guess you've been trained in "Elf Defense.
" What's that smell? Nutmeg? Uh, no.
You, sir, reek of eggnog! You are a disgrace to the uniform! I demand you resign your post and leave at once, taking nothing with you from the office.
Don't yell at me, little man! I outrank you! You leave me no choice! Were you trying to hurt Santa? Uh-oh.
I'm pretty sure he started it.
Perjury! He was- Quiet! If this had happened in front of the children, none of you would work as seasonal holiday employees ever again.
I am very disappointed in all of you.
Uh, ma'am? I wasn't involved.
YOU were a full minute late coming back from lunch! You're the worst of the lot.
You really are.
Now back to work.
And no more trouble, or they won't find your bodies until the fake snow melts.
Mr.
Mumbles? Come on out, I need your help.
So that's where all the complimentary candy canes went.
You know, the kids were pretty disappointed when we ran out.
And so was I.
I need them for my plan to get rid of the Mall Santa.
Maybe you should try to talk to him.
Right.
To learn his weaknesses.
No, Dan.
Because it's Christmas.
Whatever happened to "Peace on Earth, good will towards men?" What are you, five? (chris sighs) See you tomorrow.
Okay, Mr.
Mumbles.
This is a candy cane.
You lick it.
Like this.
Now you try.
Good kitty.
I hope peppermint isn't poisonous to cats, because we have a lot of work to do.
(spy-boss over communicator) We intercepted a signal from The Snowman to his superiors.
We believe it originated from your local shopping mall.
I was there today.
I saw someone dressed in a big snowman costume.
He wouldn't be that obvious, would he? (spy-boss over communicator) Perhaps.
It's easier than tracking down your place of residence.
Plus,everyone goes to the mall this time of year.
Except me.
I shop online.
That's Chris's car.
Dancing Shadow out.
Hey, you.
Where have you been all day? Uh, nowhere.
Helping Dan do some Christmas shopping? Yes.
Don't let him buy you another gift card.
We can't afford it.
No, he's looking for something for Mr.
Mumbles.
He even got a job as a Christmas Elf at the mall.
Wait a second somebody hired Dan? They get desperate around the holidays.
So, what did you do tod-? Get down! Whaa-! Stay low.
Uh, Elise? What are-- What are you doing? Nothing.
Hey, tonight why don't we sleep in the bunker? I mean, garage.
It'll be like camping.
Garage camping.
You're not making sense.
We'll have ice cream? Okay.
I know your tongue is numb, Mr.
Mumbles.
But push through.
We're not done yet.
(chris v.
o.
) Is sleeping with your ninja sword part of garage camping? (elise v.
o.
) Yes it is.
Have some more ice cream.
I've got something to do.
Can you two get along for twenty minutes? If not, I can fire you.
Hey, Stinky, you're not on break! Mind your business.
He's not so bad, you know.
He just takes Christmas very seriously.
I hate Christmas.
I don't see how you can hate Christmas, you're Santa! It's a long story.
When I was a kid, Santa never got me the Sergent Sascatchawand action figure I wanted.
Thatwasn't a long story.
And it seems like you've made an odd career choice.
This isn't my career.
It's just something I do until my interpretive dance starts getting the recognition it deserves.
Oh.
Shouldn't you be in your fishbowl? (chris sighs) Probably.
Hey! Let me- Elise? Who's the snowman?! Where did you come from? I didn't even see you.
Who is in the snowman costume?! Uh um Tell me! I don't know, okay? It's just some guy.
Some guy I don't know.
What are you doing? (dan giggles) Oh, it's gonna be awesome.
See, the Mall Santa- I don't care.
Never mind.
Okay, closing time! Good merriness today,people! Except for you, Snowman.
You were phoning it in.
Get out of my snow globe.
Oh thank goodness.
It smells like feet in there.
Hey, Mall Santa, I was thinking Maybe we should bury the hatchet.
I don't know, I kind of like the hatchet where it is.
Oh, come on.
Hey, want to see something cool? Okay Check out the gingerbread house.
Yeah, it's great.
No, no Look closer.
Go on.
There's eggnog over there.
What are you two doing? Stinky wants me to look at the gingerbread house.
Why? Is something wrong with it? No! Wait! Uh Hehe.
You're fired.
I can't believe I got fired! What happened to "Peace on Earth and good will towards-- whatever.
" You almost killed our boss.
Since when is that grounds for dismissal?! And I think "killed" is an overstatement.
The odds of one of those candy cane spikes penetrating deep enough to hit a vital organ is like a million to one.
Yeah, she really overreacted.
All I wanted to do was buy a present for Mr.
Mumbles.
That's all.
And maybe give the Mall Santa blood poisoning stemming from extreme peppermint exposure.
Is that so wrong? The first part sounded okay.
Look, Dan, I think we can get your job back.
But you need to decide what's more important: buying a present for Mr.
Mumbles, who loves you unconditionally, or exacting petty revenge on the Mall Santa.
Mmm I'm leaning "Mall Santa.
" Dan! Fine, fine.
Mr.
Mumbles.
There's the Christmas spirit! Shut up.
The comic shop was a bust.
Where are you? UhI'm at an all night swap meet in Tarzana, doing whatever it was you told me to do.
Great! Thanks for going with my plan this time.
No problem, buddy.
What are friends for? Especially on Christmas.
I really think, with just a little kindness, we can get your job back.
Sure, sure.
Hey, what's that sound? Uh, nothing.
You didn't saw anything.
See anything.
Hear.
Have you seen my snowman today? We're opening soon.
Please am I my snowman's keeper? Hmm Well, it didn't explode Sergent Sascatchawand? He opened it! Perfect.
He's in position.
Position? Hey, why are you in your elf costume again? I like it.
It's Christmasy.
Besides, shut up.
I think it worked! It's a Christmas miracle! Sure is, buddy.
What are you doing?! Don't-! WHAT DID YOU DO?! You mean what did WE do.
And the answer is, we won! Happy Christmas! The plan was to get him the toy he always wanted, so you two could get along and you could get your job back.
That was your plan.
Which differs slightly from our plan.
( darla o.
s.
) What was that?! What's happening? I spent all night finding that action figure so the Mall Santa could see the true meaning of Christmas! And I spent all night sawing through that stupid tree so that I could push it over on him while he was distracted by your dumb toy idea.
See? Teamwork.
High five! RRrraaarrhh! He looks mad.
I should go.
Dan! Don't leave me! You know I would never leave you.
I'm leaving you, Chris! Hey! Ow! Hey, lady, they don't open for another ten minutes.
I'm not here to see Santa.
I'm here for the Snowman.
Ugh! It DOES smell like feet in here! and Patchuli.
Who are you working for, Snowman?! Christmas Crossing! Chris? Elise? What are you doing here? I'm not answering any questions without my attorney.
Game over, Dancing Shadow.
Aaahhhh! So that was you following me a couple of days ago? Yeah, I wanted to see what you were getting me for Christmas.
I got your present months ago.
Oh.
I was going to get you- Earrings.
I know.
Huh.
Dan finally killed my boss.
Oh my gosh, are you all right? My mission not yet complete, Control Need more time Well, well.
Snowman.
We meet at last.
Hey, it's Santa! And Stinky the Elf! Had enough? So, the Mall Santa got fired for throttling his elf, your boss is going away What happens to Christmas Crossing? Well, they're so short-staffed This is more like it.
Christmas Crossing finally has a Santa worthy of his name.
Ew.
This kid smells like pee.
So, I guess now all you need is a present for Mr.
Mumbles.
Already taken care of Happy Christmas, Mr.
Mumbles.
I hope you like your present.
Mumbles.
Mrs.
Claus is still very bitter about the divorce.
Yuletide greetings, Dan.
And to you, fine sir.
Hey, give me some money.
Nope.
Oh, come on! I'm destitute, and I need to buy a Christmas present for--you know who.
Aw, that's- Hey Wait, you never get me anything.
That's not true! Remember last year? Oh, You mean when you borrowed fifty bucks from me and then gave me a twenty-five dollar gift card? Hey, buddy, you're worth it.
And then you never paid me back.
We're going in circles! Listen, I need you to help me help me.
Uh, well I'm on my way to the mall.
They're hiring seasonal employees for Christmas Crossing.
You should come.
Don't be stupid.
I don't need a job.
I need money.
Resumes, please.
I demand the role of Santa.
To prepare, I spent last night in a chimney.
Ooh.
I've already got my Santa.
But I do have a couple of jobs I think you gentlemen would be perfect for.
Five minutes, everyone! Magic time! This is beneath me.
At least you don't have to spend all day in a giant snow globe.
Ho, ho- eh, who gives a crap? Watch it! And what kind of language is that? Santa's supposed to be jolly and kind, you jerk.
Get out of my face.
I'm working a minimum wage job for a holiday I don't even celebrate.
How can you not celebrate Christmas? You're Santa! I'm confused.
I know you're not a child because you have facial hair.
But it sounds like you actually believe in Santa Claus.
Of course I do! Read your Bible! Listen to me, you unshaven little elf, if you ever-- What's going on here? Why aren't you two working? I was trying to, Supervisor Darla, this poor little elf is having some trouble getting into the Christmas spirit.
Get your filthy hands off me, you fat-- Whoa whoa whoa now.
That is no way for an elf to speak to Jolly St.
Nick.
You better straighten up and fly right mister, or I'll find someone else to fill those pointy shoes.
Ho ho ho, ugly.
MALL SANTA!!! Narrator: HoHoHo I hope you asked for pain this Christmas, because I'm going to-! Going to what? Please, tell Santa, and this innocent, sickly child who loves Christmas more than life itself, what you're going to do.
I'm going towalk the reindeer.
That was one of Santa's magical helper elves! I call him "Stinky.
" Bye, Stinky! Could you not tap on the glass? Sound gets magnified like crazy in there.
I have a massive headache already.
Sure, just help me get rid of the Mall Santa.
Dan, can't you just let it go for once? It's Christmas.
That's exactly my point! This man is a representative of Santa.
A diplomat, if you will.
And, get this, the guy doesn't even believe in Christmas! That can't be right.
He's Santa! Now, we can't act until his lunch break, so the kids don't see, but I have a plan that involves licking a candy cane down to a razor-sharp point and then stabbing him in his bowl full of jelly! Okay.
Even if I were willing to help you commit assault with a deadly holiday candy, I can't lose this job.
I have to buy Christmas presents.
And so do you.
Remember Mr.
Mumbles? Mr.
Mumbles will understand! I'm defending the good name of Santa here! What are you two doing? Breaks every six hours, not in between.
Back to the happiness mines, people! Sorry, Dan, can't help you.
OhCheer up, and that's an order! If you can't be happy, I'll find an elf who can! That's right, little fellow! Ho, ho, ho! This isn't over.
(elise is on the phone) Yes, I'd just like to confirm that my order will be here by Christmas? That's correct, it's the "Fried Food of the Month" club, but I want it all here at the same time I'll call you back.
(spy-boss over communicator) Dancing Shadow, we have a priority Alpha advisory for you.
Talk to me.
(spy-boss over communicator) An enemy operative is believed to be in your area, probably with orders to neutralize you.
Anyone I know? (spy-boss over communicator) Negative.
(spy-boss over communicator) Very little is known about the enemy agent who operates under the code name "The Snowman.
" I've heard of him.
Master of disguise, able to blend into his surroundings and wait patiently for his prey (spy-boss over communicator) Correct.
He is known for leaving a snowflake calling card.
Very cute.
(spy-boss over communicator) Adorable.
(spy-boss over communicator) We believe he was responsible for the disappearance of two of our top operatives last year.
And he's after me? Now? When I have Christmas shopping to do? (spy-boss over communicator) Watch your six, Dancing Shadow.
Ho, ho-! Ho-ACHOO! Oh, excuse me, Stinky.
(dan to himself) There will be nothing left but a scrap of red felt and a smoking pair of extra wide boots.
(chris to himself) This is so humiliating.
They could replace me with a Styrofoam snowman and no one would notice.
Hey, don't tell Elise what I'm doing, okay? I don't want her to think less of me.
Don't worry.
There's no way she could possibly think less of you.
But you might want to put your snowman head back on.
Did she see me? I don't think so.
Perfect! Maybe I can follow her and find out what she's getting me for Christmas.
Chris! That is not in the holiday spirit.
Now come help me annihilate Santa.
Hurry up, you lout! We're on in two minutes! Who wants a noogie? Get off of me, you oaf! Why are you hitting your elf? Why are you hitting your elf? Stop it! Stop it! Hey, good kick.
Guess you've been trained in "Elf Defense.
" What's that smell? Nutmeg? Uh, no.
You, sir, reek of eggnog! You are a disgrace to the uniform! I demand you resign your post and leave at once, taking nothing with you from the office.
Don't yell at me, little man! I outrank you! You leave me no choice! Were you trying to hurt Santa? Uh-oh.
I'm pretty sure he started it.
Perjury! He was- Quiet! If this had happened in front of the children, none of you would work as seasonal holiday employees ever again.
I am very disappointed in all of you.
Uh, ma'am? I wasn't involved.
YOU were a full minute late coming back from lunch! You're the worst of the lot.
You really are.
Now back to work.
And no more trouble, or they won't find your bodies until the fake snow melts.
Mr.
Mumbles? Come on out, I need your help.
So that's where all the complimentary candy canes went.
You know, the kids were pretty disappointed when we ran out.
And so was I.
I need them for my plan to get rid of the Mall Santa.
Maybe you should try to talk to him.
Right.
To learn his weaknesses.
No, Dan.
Because it's Christmas.
Whatever happened to "Peace on Earth, good will towards men?" What are you, five? (chris sighs) See you tomorrow.
Okay, Mr.
Mumbles.
This is a candy cane.
You lick it.
Like this.
Now you try.
Good kitty.
I hope peppermint isn't poisonous to cats, because we have a lot of work to do.
(spy-boss over communicator) We intercepted a signal from The Snowman to his superiors.
We believe it originated from your local shopping mall.
I was there today.
I saw someone dressed in a big snowman costume.
He wouldn't be that obvious, would he? (spy-boss over communicator) Perhaps.
It's easier than tracking down your place of residence.
Plus,everyone goes to the mall this time of year.
Except me.
I shop online.
That's Chris's car.
Dancing Shadow out.
Hey, you.
Where have you been all day? Uh, nowhere.
Helping Dan do some Christmas shopping? Yes.
Don't let him buy you another gift card.
We can't afford it.
No, he's looking for something for Mr.
Mumbles.
He even got a job as a Christmas Elf at the mall.
Wait a second somebody hired Dan? They get desperate around the holidays.
So, what did you do tod-? Get down! Whaa-! Stay low.
Uh, Elise? What are-- What are you doing? Nothing.
Hey, tonight why don't we sleep in the bunker? I mean, garage.
It'll be like camping.
Garage camping.
You're not making sense.
We'll have ice cream? Okay.
I know your tongue is numb, Mr.
Mumbles.
But push through.
We're not done yet.
(chris v.
o.
) Is sleeping with your ninja sword part of garage camping? (elise v.
o.
) Yes it is.
Have some more ice cream.
I've got something to do.
Can you two get along for twenty minutes? If not, I can fire you.
Hey, Stinky, you're not on break! Mind your business.
He's not so bad, you know.
He just takes Christmas very seriously.
I hate Christmas.
I don't see how you can hate Christmas, you're Santa! It's a long story.
When I was a kid, Santa never got me the Sergent Sascatchawand action figure I wanted.
Thatwasn't a long story.
And it seems like you've made an odd career choice.
This isn't my career.
It's just something I do until my interpretive dance starts getting the recognition it deserves.
Oh.
Shouldn't you be in your fishbowl? (chris sighs) Probably.
Hey! Let me- Elise? Who's the snowman?! Where did you come from? I didn't even see you.
Who is in the snowman costume?! Uh um Tell me! I don't know, okay? It's just some guy.
Some guy I don't know.
What are you doing? (dan giggles) Oh, it's gonna be awesome.
See, the Mall Santa- I don't care.
Never mind.
Okay, closing time! Good merriness today,people! Except for you, Snowman.
You were phoning it in.
Get out of my snow globe.
Oh thank goodness.
It smells like feet in there.
Hey, Mall Santa, I was thinking Maybe we should bury the hatchet.
I don't know, I kind of like the hatchet where it is.
Oh, come on.
Hey, want to see something cool? Okay Check out the gingerbread house.
Yeah, it's great.
No, no Look closer.
Go on.
There's eggnog over there.
What are you two doing? Stinky wants me to look at the gingerbread house.
Why? Is something wrong with it? No! Wait! Uh Hehe.
You're fired.
I can't believe I got fired! What happened to "Peace on Earth and good will towards-- whatever.
" You almost killed our boss.
Since when is that grounds for dismissal?! And I think "killed" is an overstatement.
The odds of one of those candy cane spikes penetrating deep enough to hit a vital organ is like a million to one.
Yeah, she really overreacted.
All I wanted to do was buy a present for Mr.
Mumbles.
That's all.
And maybe give the Mall Santa blood poisoning stemming from extreme peppermint exposure.
Is that so wrong? The first part sounded okay.
Look, Dan, I think we can get your job back.
But you need to decide what's more important: buying a present for Mr.
Mumbles, who loves you unconditionally, or exacting petty revenge on the Mall Santa.
Mmm I'm leaning "Mall Santa.
" Dan! Fine, fine.
Mr.
Mumbles.
There's the Christmas spirit! Shut up.
The comic shop was a bust.
Where are you? UhI'm at an all night swap meet in Tarzana, doing whatever it was you told me to do.
Great! Thanks for going with my plan this time.
No problem, buddy.
What are friends for? Especially on Christmas.
I really think, with just a little kindness, we can get your job back.
Sure, sure.
Hey, what's that sound? Uh, nothing.
You didn't saw anything.
See anything.
Hear.
Have you seen my snowman today? We're opening soon.
Please am I my snowman's keeper? Hmm Well, it didn't explode Sergent Sascatchawand? He opened it! Perfect.
He's in position.
Position? Hey, why are you in your elf costume again? I like it.
It's Christmasy.
Besides, shut up.
I think it worked! It's a Christmas miracle! Sure is, buddy.
What are you doing?! Don't-! WHAT DID YOU DO?! You mean what did WE do.
And the answer is, we won! Happy Christmas! The plan was to get him the toy he always wanted, so you two could get along and you could get your job back.
That was your plan.
Which differs slightly from our plan.
( darla o.
s.
) What was that?! What's happening? I spent all night finding that action figure so the Mall Santa could see the true meaning of Christmas! And I spent all night sawing through that stupid tree so that I could push it over on him while he was distracted by your dumb toy idea.
See? Teamwork.
High five! RRrraaarrhh! He looks mad.
I should go.
Dan! Don't leave me! You know I would never leave you.
I'm leaving you, Chris! Hey! Ow! Hey, lady, they don't open for another ten minutes.
I'm not here to see Santa.
I'm here for the Snowman.
Ugh! It DOES smell like feet in here! and Patchuli.
Who are you working for, Snowman?! Christmas Crossing! Chris? Elise? What are you doing here? I'm not answering any questions without my attorney.
Game over, Dancing Shadow.
Aaahhhh! So that was you following me a couple of days ago? Yeah, I wanted to see what you were getting me for Christmas.
I got your present months ago.
Oh.
I was going to get you- Earrings.
I know.
Huh.
Dan finally killed my boss.
Oh my gosh, are you all right? My mission not yet complete, Control Need more time Well, well.
Snowman.
We meet at last.
Hey, it's Santa! And Stinky the Elf! Had enough? So, the Mall Santa got fired for throttling his elf, your boss is going away What happens to Christmas Crossing? Well, they're so short-staffed This is more like it.
Christmas Crossing finally has a Santa worthy of his name.
Ew.
This kid smells like pee.
So, I guess now all you need is a present for Mr.
Mumbles.
Already taken care of Happy Christmas, Mr.
Mumbles.
I hope you like your present.