Dan Vs. (2010) s02e11 Episode Script

Dan Vs. The Dinosaur

We gotta take a look.
You know what I heard was inside? For the last time, we ain't supposed to look in the crates.
I'll tell you what? I'll give you three hints.
Can we drop this? I'm gonna be late for pilates.
Hint one: It's ain't supposed to exist Hint two: He's half spider, half man Hint three: He fights crime.
Give me a break! SPIDER-- Shhh! You're gonna wake him up.
He's a fictional character! Word on the dock is he's based on a real guy.
I gotta get an autograph.
(dinosaur) ROARS! You're gonna need a bigger pen.
(news reporter loud) Wake up, Los Angeles! Ahhh! It's time for the "Morning Person News Show!" In the morning! Today's top story: It's morning.
("wow") A dinosaur (angered) just ruined my car! (yelling out) You better have good insurance! Wait.
Where are you going? We have to exchange information! DINOSAUR!!!! To me, Ben, driving is a lot like bowling.
It's all about staying in your lane.
I'm not an idiot, dude.
You keep treating me like one, I'll tell my parents you said I should drop out of school and start a punk band.
If you feel like your seat and mirrors are properly adjusted, go ahead and slowly back out.
Uh Ben, Ben you should really look over your right shoulder any time you're driving backwords.
Then what's the rear view mirror for? BANG! Dan! Are you alright? Absolutely not.
I have been wronged, Chris.
Horribly, horribly wronged.
Yeah, sorry about that.
Ben's just-- --By a dinosaur! --learning to--What? I saw it with my own eyes.
And I trust my eyes, Chris.
A mid-size tryannosaurid therodpod.
Probably female.
She ruined my car and she's gonna pay.
I haven't figured out how exactly because I doubt a T-Rex carries a wallet.
Not with those-- --stupid little arms.
You don't seriously expect me to believe you saw a dinsosaur, do you? Since when do I care what you believe? I just need a ride.
I'm in the middle of giving Ben a driving lesson.
Which is clearly a huge success.
Besides, you hate Ben.
You always talk about how annoying he is behind his back.
I do not.
I don't.
Whatever, fatso.
I am giving Ben a lesson because I love my brother-in law and because Elise has a work thing.
This is perfect.
Ben needs to drive around town, I need to get around town.
Question is: are you willing to drive fast, break the law as necessary, and avoid dinosaur attacks? I mean, I've avoided them up to now.
Dan, Ben can't have any distractions while he's driving.
That includes chasing your hallucinations.
Get in, Ben.
There's no room in this car for doubting Thomases.
I don't know what you think you saw, but it's scientifically impossible for dinosaurs to exist.
(spy boss v.
o.
) --And that's how science created a dinosaur.
Wow.
I can't believe the secret ingredient is corn syrup.
(spy boss v.
o.
) At any rate, after spending billions of dollars to make one, we found we didn't really have a use for it.
Which is why you were shipping it to a desert island (spy boss v.
o.
) Dancing Shadow, the government's in quite the pickle here.
Our priority is the dinosaur's humane capture, but our bigger priority is the cover up.
You think you can handle that? I'm all over it.
(dan into megaphone) Attention dinosaur: come out with your disproportionately small hands up! (dan o.
s.
) (into megaphone) Head east! (chris yelling up) Dan! What did I say about doing that? Look, we've been cruising your neighborhood for hours.
Maybe it's time we teach Ben how to pick up some drive-thru.
(into megaphone) EAST! (chris yelling up) Will you at least put your seatbelt on?! (dan into megaphone) Never! (dan into megaphone) Here dino dino dino (little boy o.
s.
) Hey mister! (dan into megaphone) HALT! (little boy) Are you OK? Mind your business! I heard you yelling about dinosaurs.
My dog was taken by a dinosaur but nobody believes me.
(dan to himself) So it eats dogs I believe you, kid.
And I'm sorry your dog is dead.
Well maybe he's still alive in its stomach.
Pretty unlikely.
But hey, what we can do is make sure other dogs don't get eaten.
(boy crying) I know.
Let out those tears of joy.
Chris, new mission! We have to round up every dog in the neighborhood.
Little more, little more, now STOP! OK, try it again without my help.
Hey, Dan, are these dogs really safer tied to a lamp post than in their own backyards? Who cares about safety? These dogs are bait.
Bait? You lied to that sweet little boy! Would you have preferred I describe every grisly detail of my plan? Try to be a little more sensitive.
OK Dan, this whole dinosaur thing has gone way too far.
Lying to children is one thing.
I mean we've all been there.
But this crosses the line.
It's time you admit what we both know is true.
Dinosaurs are extinct.
THUMP.
THUMP.
What was that? You can apologize in the tree.
THUMP.
THUMP.
THUMP.
It's probably just construction equipment.
Sorry.
What was that, Chris? Wow! A real, live dinosaur! Dan, you were telling the truth! I may be a lot of things.
A deceiver, a misleader, a fabricator, but I am no liar.
Except to children.
(dogs bark unrelentingly) ROARS!!! Dan! Time to go! I need to read the tag so I can invoice the owner for repairs.
(chris urgent) Come on! Tyra? That's it? Where's the phone number? HONK HONK! Uhhh (dan moans) Punch it Ben! What's the problem? I don't know! It's not moving! Did you remove the parking brake? I never use the parking brake! Always use the parking brake! Stop yelling at me! We're in neutral.
Get out of there! I can't! I think that went pretty well.
ROARS! It's what we call an isolated earthquake, since it occurred in just this neighborhood.
Can an earthquake really explain why locals claim they heard what could only be described as deep, primal roars? Well, it's difficult to put in layman's terms, but basically if the tectonic plates rub against each other just right, that's exactly the sound you'd hear.
Many residents have also reported missing dogs.
Can earthquakes explain this phenomenon as well? Yes they can.
This just in.
A handsome reporter is about to ask a foxy geologist out on a date.
Care to comment? We are in way over our heads.
We should call the police.
Too risky.
She could plead insanity and be back on the street eating cars.
No.
What WE need is an expert hunter.
Ben, didn't your parents go hunting recently? (ben derisively) Yeah, They went house hunting.
G'day blokes! I'm Mel Darwin, the Reptile Wrangler.
Today, I plan to wrestle a komodo dragon.
(mel thick Kiwi accent) Hold your knickers! My only worry is a guy this famous won't even hear us out.
Get inside.
Hurry.
You guys are late.
Uhlate for what? SMASH! How you feeling, Mate? (dan woozily) I'm not your mate.
You don't punch your mate.
That's what we call a New Zealand handshake.
Apparantly it was all a misunderstanding.
Mel mistook us for three guys he hired to come to his office and fight him.
It's a great work out.
Right after you passed out, the actual guys came by and Mel fought them for two hours.
It sounds cooler than it was.
(dan haughty) We were gonna ask you to help us catch a dinosaur, but now that you've assaulted me, you can kiss that goodbye.
Ooh.
I may have asked him while you were unconscious.
Please, Dan.
You gotta let me on the team.
I need this.
Only if we do it my way.
Deal! Shake on it.
(dan roaring and growling) And then, she turned and ran straight at us.
Roar! Did you happen to notice if she was in heat? Did I--what? How would I even-- LOOK! She picked up Chris's car and tried to eat everyone inside.
Of course, why didn't I think of this before? Dino-plaque.
Eww!/Gross!/Why?! She's dehydrated.
Where's the nearest fresh water supply? What kind of dimwitted boss gives somebody a heat sensor to hunt a cold-blooded animal? (spy boss v.
o.
) Evening, Dancing Shadow.
What's the latest on Operation Dino Storm? Going great sir, thanks for asking! (spy boss v.
o.
) Listen, I just got off the phone with Homeland Security.
They say if the government's involvement with this dinosaur comes out, we're looking at a P.
R.
nightmare.
Well then I guess I better get off the phone and do my job.
(spy boss v.
o.
) Hey! There's no need to get snarky.
I don't think I've ever been to this part of the valley before.
Where are we, Tarzana? She must have come this way.
All the fish were terrified.
I think we're going nowhere fast with this trout whisperer.
What are you talking about? Mel's got eveything under control.
That's it! This guy's a total nutjob.
Look, Mel, you're a nice guy with an odd handshake, but I think we need to go our separate ways.
Fine, but I'm going that way.
So, Ben, we're not telling Elise about any of this, right? That depends.
What's it worth to ya? Shhh! There she is.
And there she is.
Alright, I need three helpers.
Any volunteers? Remember, it'll take all three arrows to put this beast down for a nap.
Easy enough.
It's always easy enough.
Until a Gila Monster takes a bite out of your brain.
Hey baby, wanna go for a ride? Woo-hoo! Safe enough boys! Now put her down! Ha! That'll teach you to hit and run.
ROARS!!! Anytime Chris Shoot her! Shoot her! Anytime Ben ROAR!!! Chris? (elise old Lady Voice) Well, I can't say for sure that they were a street gang, but they all wore the same color shirt.
And carried machine guns.
Ma'am, you must be aware of the swirling rumors of a live dinosaur being involved in this incident.
What do you say to that? (laughs in old lady voice) A dinosaur? Honey, I'm old, but I'm not that old.
This was done by teenaged hoodlums.
And there's nothing we should be more afraid of than teenagers.
ROAR! This is it folks! The moment every journalist dreams of! A real live dinosaur! Stay tuned as I try to get an exclusive interview.
ROARING!!! (into a megaphone) Alright, we're ready to hear your demands.
Poor Chris.
I should have been nicer to him.
We all should have been nicer to him.
Now what happens if I need a kidney? You know what? Maybe he's in a better place.
(chis echo) HELP! I've considered every option and it seems there is only one way to make things right.
We have to eat the dinosaur.
Wait a minute! What? She ate Chris.
It's only fair.
Well, this plan's gone straight down the gurgler.
Killing an innocent creature? Sorry, but I'm no butcher.
Not since I retired from being a butcher.
Fine! You're fired! You can't fire me! Not unless you work for Animal World Studios.
You don't Do you? I do not.
Then bug off! Don't worry, Dan.
I'll help you kill that dinosaur.
It'll be my chance to make it up to Chris.
After your little disappearing act at the museum? I don't think so.
You're going to stay in this car and think about what you didn't do.
You want me to kill it? What happened to humanely capture? The people need to know their government can protect them from all enemies.
Be it foreign, domestic, or prehistoric.
But, Sir, that doesn't seem moral.
Neither is selling guns to Third World Countries.
What's your point? SMACK! What are you doing here? I'm about to make that dinosaur extinct.
Again.
Go home, Dan.
Let me handle it.
You? The only thing I trust you to kill is the mood.
Actually, I have a pretty good plan.
My only problem is I don't know how to get into Burgerphile.
Interesting.
I happen to be very well acquainted with Burgerphile's secret entrances.
My problem is I have no idea what I'm gonna do once I get inside.
When this is all over, I'm seriously going to consider taking a vacation.
Speaking of which, next weekend Chris and I are going the state fair, so don't expect to see him.
Oh gosh.
Elise, there's one tiny thing I should probably mention UmState fairs are fun.
Wow, Dan.
Your unhealthy obsession with this place has finally paid off.
Yep.
I'm pretty great.
Whoa.
Where'd you get that bomb? Uh, family heirloom.
Typical.
I get a gravy boat, you get a bomb.
I can't believe I'm doing this.
Nuh-uh.
You can't believe I'm doing this.
You think you're cold blooded? I can't do it.
What are you talking about? Look at her.
Watching TV, eating burgers, general misanthropy.
Who does she remind you of? Me! Maybe Tyra and I aren't so different.
We both just want to eat, watch TV, and be left alone.
We're simple creatures, out of place in this crazy futuristic world.
There goes my Christmas bonus.
Sorry mates.
I can't let you kill her.
Well, you wasted your time.
We already decided not to.
Good.
Because I need her alive so I can exploit her on the freak show circuit.
I got a three-armed monkey, y'know.
I'm afraid I can't let you do that.
Do you really want this to get ugly, mate? Back off, Sheila.
Bet I'm the toughest Kiwi you ever met! CRASH! Taught him everything he knows.
(officer o.
s.
into megaphone) Hey! Who's up there? You're not supposed to be up there! You want to save her? We've got one shot.
(elise into radio) Calling all units, calling all units, a squad of bikini models is being held hostage inside a donut shop.
Proceed with caution.
Head south.
I hear Argentina is a safe haven for dinosaurs.
So, I guess we won't have Chris's body for his funeral.
We won't have what?! Ohum DAN! Okay, funny story.
I promise, years from now, we'll all look back on this and laugh.
Well, not Chris.
He's dead.
oh my g-- (chris O.
S.
) Dan! Elise! I'm down here.
Who wants to know where I've been? THUMP THUMP ROARS!!!!!!!