Dan Vs. (2010) s02e13 Episode Script

Dan Vs. The Telemarketer

For the last time, I'm not looking for a great career! It's too much work Arrgh! You would not believe the morning I've had.
Oh? Did you finally realize that your anger is a defense mechanism that prevents you from meaningful introspection? I have been repeatedly-- What?! No.
What are you--?! Never mind.
I have been inundated with-- (phone RINGS) Arrgh! One second.
Hello? No, I do not want a subscription to "Knitting Today!" These stupid telemarketers have been calling me every five minutes since nine this morning! And, call me crazy here, but they all sound like the same guy.
Yes.
Telemarketers are wretched, soulless creatures, indistinguishable from one another, kept alive by evil magics to plague the world of the living.
Weren't you a telemarketer? Those were dark times.
(phone rings) Hello? (telemarketer on phone) Hello, sir.
Would you love to donate to the "Save the Tapeworms" foundation? hmm? Stop calling me! Give me your phone.
That should do it.
I put you on the super-do-not-call list.
It blocks your number from every telemarketing phone bank in the country.
Good.
Now buy me lunch.
(phone rings) Hello? (telemarketer on phone) Hello, Dan.
You have won an exciting prize! Finally.
What is it? (telemarketer on phone) You have been randomly selected to be added to our exclusive "Call all the time" list! We'll be calling you day and night to let you know all about our exciting promotions, specials, deals, and so much more! AAAAHHHH! TELEMARKETER!!! Chris! Did you hear that? Mmph.
Wha.
.
? Are you calling this ship because the ship you're on has been captured? Never mind.
I'll handle it.
Dan.
Oh, hey Elise.
You can't sleep either? I WAS sleeping just fine.
How did you get in? Kitchen window was unlocked.
Hey, since we're both up, how about you- -toddle into the kitchen and make us some dairy-free cocoa? What are you doing here? Waiting for my cocoa, Elise.
Chop-chop! Last chance before I de-bone you.
What are you doing in our living room? I told you already, I can't sleep.
They keep calling me.
Who does? Telemarketers! It's like you don't even listen.
Why don't you turn your phone off? I can't.
What if Chris needs me in the middle of the night? Sometimes when a person is in a toxic relationship, they need a friend they can talk to.
Okay, this has been a hoot and a half, but if you don't leave right now I'm going to emasculate you.
I think you mean "eviscerate.
" I know what I said.
Elise? You coming back to-- Hey, Dan.
What are you doing here? Chris, I'm glad you're up.
Go make me some cocoa.
Dan! You are leaving! I can't! The telemarketers know my every step! I think they work for some kind of shadowy quasi governmental organization.
Trust me, you are of no interest to the intelligence community.
Then how do you explain how they know where I am at all times? They don't! (phone rings) Hello? It's for you.
Yes? No, I am not interested in your delousing service! How did you get this number? (phone rings) Well?! Chris, would you make us some cocoa? They can mess with Dan all they want.
But call MY house? I don't think so Sixty-seven voicemail messages? Since when do they leave voicemails? I kind of miss telemarketing.
Good hours, steady work Until they outsourced all the call center positions.
Then let's get on a plane to India and kick some butts! It's probably a little premature to fly halfway around the world.
Oh, you're so smart? What are you doing? And what is taking so long with the cocoa?! Good cocoa takes time.
I'm hacking the companies the telemarketers were advertising to find out who does their cold calling.
That could take forever! Let the record show I was done before Chris.
Do you want good cocoa, or rushed cocoa? Looks like it's the company you used to work for, after all.
I knew it! I'm flying to Mumbai.
You'll be about eighty-seven hundred miles off, then.
How do you mean? They outsourced to Reseda.
What? That's just ten miles away.
I would have commuted there.
Come on, guys.
It's up to us to stop this evil menace from destroying countless lives.
As long as we're back by brunch.
Are you coming? You do NOT ask me to make cocoa in the middle of the night and then leave before it's ready.
But--! Sit down! Okay, that's really good.
So how do we get inside? Same as any force infiltration.
Identify a weak spot in the defenses and exploit it.
Chris, you throw a brick through a window and run away.
When they chase you, I'll sneak inside.
That's your plan? You never cease to underwhelm.
You never cease to mamana-mamana! All right, you two.
None of us have had any sleep, so let's try and remember that we're all on the same side here.
Fine.
Completely forgiven.
Hey, that's my old boss! I bet he could get us inside.
I'm on it.
Piece of cake.
What? I meant he's a nice guy.
He probably would have let us into the building if I asked him to.
Oh.
EhOh well.
Poor Mr.
Zimmerman.
He never hurt anyone.
So can you erase my number from their system, or what? Huh.
That's odd.
According to the call logs, all the calls to Dan's phone were made by the same employee.
Him.
I'll handle it from here.
All right, you filthy telemarketer! You! Hey, it's that guy who stole Dan's identity and tried to ruin his life.
Hiya, Dan.
How've you been? It's me! I mean, I'm you! I mean, you know who you are! Stop calling me! Oh, I can't do that now, can I? Not after I spent six months in jail because the police thought I was you.
Because you stole my identity! Whose fault is that? So I should just let it go then? I would! By the way, hi, Chris and Elise.
You guys look stunning! You do.
Have you been working out? tell? tell? Oh stop, you.
Hey! Don't be charmed by this miscreant! Need I remind you that he's calling your house, too? Dan's right.
I get one more sales call at four a.
m.
and you find out how hard it is to dial without fingers.
Whoa now, tigress.
Im gonna have to put you on a leash.
I don't have a problem with you guys.
I wont call you anymore.
heh? Huh.
All right, then.
And you'll stop calling me, too? (telemarketer laughs) It's adorable that you think that.
Oh, come on! Look, I got you thrown in jail.
Fine.
But this is just sub-human.
Listen man-cookie.
I learned all about "sub-human" on cellblock 2.
Well, I got what I wanted.
I'll be outside.
I demand to know why you've called me over two hundred times in the last twenty four hours.
Ha.
Maybe I have a dream, Dan.
You ever think of that? Um I had not thought of that.
.
Maybe I just want to be the best telemarketer I can be.
You'd, uh, probably be better at it if you called more than one person.
Chris has a point.
Maybe that's not my dream after all.
Stop playing games and tell me what you want.
To drive you absolutely batty.
Nutso.
Around the bend.
And I have to say, I don't expect it to take long.
Now, I've enjoyed our little chat here, but if you don't leave immediately, I'll have you arrested for trespassing.
And Dan? We're on parole.
You abysmal excuse for a human being! I will find a way to-- I'll call you.
Man, I hate that guy! And how could you ditch me in my moment of need? He's trying to make me crazy, you know.
You mean crazy-er? He clearly doesn't know who he's messing with! Uh-huh.
You hear me in there!? You can't drive me mad! I laugh at you! Ha! Ha! Ha-ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! You come down here right now so I can bite you! Rarh! Rarh! (grumbling to himself) Bite his stupid face off.
That's what I'll do! Calm down, Dan.
Listen, I made it look like I was ditching you, but really I was sneaking away so I could-- You don't need to explain.
It's like I told Chris when I was driving him to your wedding.
"Don't marry Elise.
She's a jerk.
" What?! Okay, you are going to have to beg, and I mean BEG, on bended knee, for me to help you now.
When the devil goes ice-skating, missy.
Some friends.
Don't expect my help when the people YOU sent to jail for six months come back for revenge.
You'll see, Mr.
Mumbles.
This will all seem better after a good nights sleep.
(phone rings) Mrroww!!! Whaa! Ow! Why is your first instinct always to claw my face?! And what--? (telemarketer on phone) Hello, sir.
Did you know that many people with your aesthetic have signed up for our reduced-rate cosmetic surgery? Aaargrhh! (phone rings) (telemarketer on phone) Interested in dirt-cheap disposable cell phones? Our prices are so low, you'll think you're going CRAZY.
Aah! (phones ring continuallly) Elise, I'm sorry I was rude to you earlier.
I need your help.
Please.
Come on in.
Jerk.
What was that?! I said, "Thank you!" As I was trying to tell you in the car, when I walked away I went back to Mr.
Zimmerman's office-- I hear he's off the respirator.
--and printed out the telemarketer's employee file.
It has his home address.
You know, I think I get more use out of my ski mask than most people.
Stay focused.
We go in hard, nab him, and then introduce him to Mr.
Crowbar.
Ha! Now who's-- --not here.
Huh.
(phone rings) Saw that coming.
I am really beginning to dislike you.
(telemarketer on phone) You can't (laughs) Oh gosh.
You silly boy.
You cant win, Dan.
Because I know what you're going to do before you do it.
Says you.
(telemarketer on phone) I've BEEN you, remember? I know how that tiny brain of yours works.
It's proportional to my body! (telemarketer on phone) I know you so well, I could even predict where Chris would be standing when you guys broke into my apartment.
Aaahhh! Chris! I left a little something special for him.
(chris o.
s.
) A pie? Awesome! Hey Dan, thank him for me.
Don't worry.
No trap door for you.
Uh-oh.
(telemarketer on phone) Nighty night, Dan.
Ugh.
Oh Has my apartment been redecorated?! (telemarketer o.
s.
) That's the thing, Dan.
Aaahh! Meaow.
You just never know what I'll do.
Isnt that fun? Maybe I'll redecorate your place.
Maybe I'll dress up as your cat.
Do you love it? Or I could dress up as you and steal a police car.
Who knows? Buh bye now.
Hello? Come and pick me up right now.
Dan! Hey, I'm glad you're all right.
By the time I finished the pie and climbed out of the pit, you were gone.
Wait, you finished the pie first? Well yeah.
Unbelievable.
Just get over here.
(phone rings) I don't know what took you so long, but we have got to-- Oh, no.
Ohh!! Got to what, buddy? Oof! Ow! Ah! Darn it! Ouch! Ahhhhh! Run this by me one more time.
Fine! There's this guy, okay? He tried to steal my identity.
While you were in jail? No.
HE went to jail, not me! But it was for something I did.
Because he was me.
Sohe's you? No! But kind of.
And now he's a telemarketer who won't stop calling.
And then he attacked you? Yes! He knocked me unconscious so he could dress up as my cat and redecorate my apartment.
Because He's trying to make it seem like I'm losing my marbles! Which I'm not! I assure you sir, we will give this matter all the attention it deserves.
(telemarketer o.
s.
) Which means none, of course.
Did you hear that?! Uh Hear what? (telemarketer o.
s.
) He can't hear the voices in your head, silly.
Come on.
You leave me alone! With pleasure.
The door's that way.
I'm not talking to you! (telemarketer o.
s.
) Hey now, don't be a jerk.
You're a jerk! Do not call me names, sir.
I carry a gun.
I said, "I'm not talking to you!" I'm talking to the telemarketer! Oh, so he's here now? No! Yes! I mean-- No.
(telemarketer o.
s.
) That was very smooth.
SHUT UP! (telemarketer o.
s.
) Why you so upset? (telemarketer o.
s.
) Where having fun together!! (telemarketer o.
s.
) And think this is only the beginning! He's in my brains! Sign me up for the laughing academy, Chris! Book me a room at the padded hotel! Hey, Dan.
What's new? He's done it! I'm completely round the bend! Yeah? Well no one asked you! Stupid voice in my head You're hearing the telemarketer in your head? Uh-huh.
Except when I ran under some power lines.
Then it changed to smooth jazz for some reason.
Dan, do you trust me? Of course not! Blah! Stop it! What happened?! I have been unconscious quite enough for one day! It's okay now, Dan.
We can talk openly.
Fine.
I've never liked you.
She means she's muted the transmitter that the Telemarketer put in one of your molars.
The what? Oh.
It's a very sophisticated piece of equipment, actually.
He must have spent a fortune on it.
Well, I'm worth it.
Anyway, looks like our little friend has finally made a mistake.
Why's that? Because he's got to be transmitting from somewhere.
Once we remove the device-- Wait, is that going to hurt? No.
It's just clamped on to one of your teeth.
Should come right off.
Then, we trace the signal back to its source, and we've got him.
I like it.
Okay.
Hold still.
(garbled) Be gentle! It won't hurt, Dan, trust me.
One, two Ah! Oh! Holy mother of-- My face! I thought you were just going to remove the transmitter! I didn't even pull that hard! Dan teeth are like egg shells.
Ah! Whoa, mamma that's pain! Ahh! Uh sorry, Dan.
But you really need to start brushing and flossing regularly.
I'll floss your neck! Woah.
Alright.
Save it for the telemarketer.
There he is.
So he lives in that apartment, and rented the one above it just to trap me? I wondered why his downstairs neighbors didn't complain about the trap door in their ceiling.
Dan? Dan, are you awake yet? I need to talk Dan.
Are you there? Common It's me, it's the Telemarketer.
Cut it out.
CRASH! Ha! Whuh-oh.
After him! Hey, look! It's a trap, Chris.
See how it's on a pressure plate? Oh, he's good.
Oh no Dan.
Oh no.
You can't hide in there! You've got to help me! He's crazy! He's crazy! Who's crazy? Now I've got you! Don't Dan.
You again? Put down the weapon, sir.
Back off, copper.
This is between me and-- I dont wanna be rude but, He's still moving.
Could you--- I really shouldnt, but okay.
So in conclusion, I'm using my one phone call to let you know that, while it would appear to the untrained observer that I have lost this battle, I have, in fact, won.
I get to spend the next six weeks in a place where no telemarketer can call me.
So, ha-ha! All right, Danno, I guess you did win.
Man, that guy should learn to let stuff go.
(whistles)