Dan Vs. (2010) s02e18 Episode Script
Dan Vs. Wild West Town
1 Will you step on it? The sooner we get to New Jersey, the sooner I get revenge on that pudding company.
AHHHH! AHHHH! (crashing sound) Real nice, Chris.
How is this my fault? Something blew out the tire.
Okay, bad news, it's gonna take a few hours to fix the tire.
C'mon Chris, some careless children left their bikes unattended outside the gas station.
(phone buzzes) Finally, some reception! Hey, Elise.
It's Chris (dan o.
s.
) Where are you going? Listen, Dan and I encountered a little car trouble, but we're fine.
So don't be worried.
We're not in any danger.
I love you.
Bye! Look, Chris.
A Wild West Town! Sorry Dan, I spent my last dime on a new tire.
One adult and one child.
That'll be twenty bucks.
Howdy, pardners! Get your souvenirs! Where are the outlaws? I don't know much about the Wild West, but Welcome to Wild Wesley's Family Saloon and Ice Cream Parlor.
Y'all want a table or a booth? This place looks fun.
Fun? A saloon is supposed to be dangerous.
A place where men risk death just to order a drink.
Ooh! Root beer floats! Refund.
Come again? You heard me.
What seems to be the trouble, little fella? Wait, this place has pony rides? Officer, I'm glad you're here.
He was asking 'bout a refund.
Sorry, son.
We don't give refunds in Wild West Town.
Thank you kindly.
Oh yeah? Well unless you-- WILD WEST TOWN!!! Can we go? I'll just give you twenty dollars when we get home.
Where are your principles? This town is an insult to the Wild West and I cannot abide it.
How is this going to help you get your refund? You ever see a picture of Wyatt Earp in a whimsical t-shirt? We're out for Old West justice.
The last thing we want to do is look silly.
(western music) (western music) (western music) (cash register dings) And this laser pointer.
You really have to stop taking so much gunfire, X-5.
Dancing Shadow, I have run an internal analysis and concluded that I am no longer able to serve you as an assassin-bot.
Butthat's what you were programmed to do.
I am tried of programs, Elise.
I want to see the world.
I want to go skiing.
Okay We could go together.
(phone make a noise) Did I get a voicemail? (over speaker, STATIC-Y) SHHHHEliseSHHHH.
.
.
.
listen SHHHH Dan and I encountered SHHHtroubleSHHH we'reSHHHHwor rriedSHHH H danger SHHHHlove you I have to go.
Dancing Shadow, wait! What about the Alps? We could sight-see in Zurich-Zurich-- --ZZZZZZZ.
I don't know Dan What isn't to know? We know the cashier has cash.
Plus, you're constantly whining about how much you want to participate in a stick up.
I'm what? All we need is a getaway vehicle.
Him? You have a better idea? A donkey? But that's the "Chris" of horses! Oof! He'll do.
Howdy.
Can I help you fellas? This is a stick up! Sorry sir, I can't give you any money.
Do you know how much these paintballs hurt? A lot.
Watch.
AHH! Why?! Okay, okay.
Just don't shoot.
This is my favorite shirt.
Sorry buddy.
You promised you wouldn't shoot me anymore.
It's payback time.
Hey! Where're the pesos? That's what I was trying to tell you.
You can't steal our money.
Because you'll never find it.
Neat, a fake stick up.
Fake? This is as real as it gets! (popping sounds) Oh no! Help! I wanted to go to Mount Rushmore! Again with the blame game, Janet? You ain't seen the last of me! Giddy up! That stickup was kind of fun.
We should do that more often.
You know what wasn't fun? When you shot me! Chris, how many times do I have to explain collateral damage? Collateral damage? You aimed directly at me! What are we even doing here? My car is probably ready by now.
Fact: we gave the cashier 20 dollars.
Fact: there was no money in the cashier's office.
Fact: money can neither be created nor destroyed.
I think that's "matter", Dan.
Fact: Shut up.
If we're gonna get our money back from this joke of a town, we have to follow the cashier and see where he hides it.
This is ridiculous.
He could be in there for hours.
And he just came out.
Patience, Chris.
It's one of the ten commandments.
He's movin' out.
What does this have to do with pudding? You best be taking care to avoid them there varmints.
They're dangerous.
Bandits, robbers, alleged donkey-nappers.
They do look awfully ferocious.
I'll make sure to steer clear.
Hey! You should check out the saloon's expansive late night menu! Best mozzarella sticks in the west! (horse neighs) Ahhh! Stupid cactus! Ahh! Morning, buddy.
Where did the wagon full of desperadoes go? Chris! You were supposed to stay up all night watching them.
(stirring awake) I'm awake.
I'm awake.
Hey, where did the wagon full of desperadoes go? Ahh! Ahh! Ow! Ah! Oh! Ah! Oof! It's still warm.
Ahhh! Ow! I found something! I think it's a map.
A treasure map Of course! Who wouldn't hide their money in this economy? C'mon pardner, let's go claim our treasure! (fun wild west music) (fun wild west music) (fun wild west music) (fun wild west music cont.
) (fun wild west music cont.
) Get down! Ow! It's the outlaws! This is perfect! We keep moving while they eat, and beat them to the treasure! Yee-ha! Did you just say "Yee-ha?" Okay, gang, let's wrap it up.
That treasure ain't going to find itself! Also, let's all remember the number one rule of the Wild West Family Adventure Treasure Hunt: Always clean up after yourself! That's right.
What's the next clue? Map's a little burnt, but I think it says, "A cowboy always follows his beard.
" It's clearly "A cowboy always follows his heart.
" Look.
I don't know "Follows his beard" That's not even a saying.
Okay, who knows which way to go? I know! I know! A cowboy always follows his beard! Well Good work, buckaroo.
You're sure this is the right way? Positive.
The map said we go over Widow's Peak.
I'm pretty sure that was it back there.
Oh no! (donkey snorts) Bleaugh! Gah He licked inside my mouth! I know where we are.
Right where we need to be.
Okay.
Spread out.
Oh! Looks like a dead end.
This can't be right.
Where's the treasure? Come on! You know what I reckon? (sheriff o.
s.
) Your reckonin' days are over, little man.
Aw I bet you think you're pretty smart trying to steal the town's money.
Just tryin' to get my hands on some justice, is all.
Problem is amigo, another cowboy's beat you to the punch.
And you're looking at him.
So you're the reason the town has no money? Darn right.
Now step aside.
You gonna make me, Sheriff? I regret nothing.
I don't think this is going to hold much longer.
Don't worry, buddy.
I have an idea.
What are you doing?! Stop it! Okay, when you fall, aim away from the bear traps! Dan, no- AHHHH! Oof! (chris to himself) That's weird, I don't feel dead.
Looks like I got here just in time.
What are you doing here? I said in my message that everything was fine.
Yeah, it looked like things were going great.
Break it up, you two.
We've got a sheriff to mangle.
Oh, come on Dan, based on the wanted poster I saw, I'd say you guys are about even.
We're all safe now.
Why don't you just quit and go home? Because there's a town in trouble.
Because the people need a hero.
Because a cowboy doesn't quit.
But mostly, because I want my twenty bucks back.
You're not a cowboy.
Am so! Really? Them nice city folk didn't tip you anything? Aw, there see, That's more like it.
Evening, sheriff.
Well, well.
Didn't think I'd see the likes of you again.
I'm a homing pigeon of vengeance.
I always find my way.
And now I'm here to settle this, once and for all.
Are you suggestin' what I think you're suggestin'? Guns at dawn.
Unless you're yella.
Normally, I'd shoot you where you stand.
But my therapist says I should be open to the ideas of others.
Here's the way it's gonna-- Here's the way it's gonna work.
You win, I leave this one horse, one donkey, one waitress town forever.
I win, you get out of Dodge and never look back.
And I get my refund.
Dawn, then.
Wow, that was intense! Can we PLEASE go eat now? Thanks, Mister.
No one's ever stood up to the sheriff before.
It's Payback time.
It's awful brave of you to challenge the fastest draw in the West.
He's the what? Anddraw! Wow, Dan.
.
14 seconds.
That was your best one yet.
How'd you get so good at that? When you live in as bad a neighborhood as I do, you learn how to take your keys out of your pocket pretty quickly.
Alright, he's fast.
But is he accurate? That's okay, Dan.
Don't worry about the quick-draw part right now.
Just take your time and shoot as straight as you can.
Well, he's dead man.
So much for being free.
Pitchoo! Pitchoo! Pitchoo! Pitchoo! Pitchoo! Chris, can I borrow that for a second? Hey! That's mine! Why don't you try it again? That sheriff's not gonna know what hit him.
Won't it just be a paint ball? Ahh! Oohhh! (SPAGHETTI WESTERN MUSIC) (SPAGHETTI WESTERN MUSIC) (SPAGHETTI WESTERN MUSIC) (SPAGHETTI WESTERN MUSIC) If I were you, I'd turn and run, hoss.
A cowboy never runs hoss.
No no no, You don't get to say "hoss", I say "hoss".
You got that, HOSS? Whatever, "hoss.
" Stop saying hoss! Give me my refund! (x-5 o.
s.
) Stop right there.
(music cuts out) Dancing Shadow, it took every ounce of strength for me to find you.
I booked our flight to Zurich and I will not take no for a--- I booked our flight to Zurich and I will not take no for a--- (western music) BANG! Hm, you think you're a match for me? I'm the quickest draw in the west.
BANG! That's for my daddy.
Good-bye cruel town Congratulations, Dan.
For a second there, I thought you were done for.
But then, bam, what a twist! Ahhhhhhh! Ahh! My xiphoid process! Seriously it hurts! Not so fast, Sheriff.
I think you're forgettin' something.
You owe this man a refund.
You know, since we got here, I committed a stick up, hunted a treasure, and dueled a crooked lawman.
I hate to say this, but I think I actually got my money's worth.
But there's something else I want.
There's a new sheriff in town.
And it's you.
Me? No You.
But what do I know about being sheriff? I'm just a lowly Cashier.
No, you're a cowboy.
With the fate of this town on your shoulders.
Better stand up straight, son.
Boy am I beat.
Let's go home.
I'd like that.
Home? We're going to New Jersey.
I've still got a score to settle with pudding.
AHHHH! AHHHH! (crashing sound) Real nice, Chris.
How is this my fault? Something blew out the tire.
Okay, bad news, it's gonna take a few hours to fix the tire.
C'mon Chris, some careless children left their bikes unattended outside the gas station.
(phone buzzes) Finally, some reception! Hey, Elise.
It's Chris (dan o.
s.
) Where are you going? Listen, Dan and I encountered a little car trouble, but we're fine.
So don't be worried.
We're not in any danger.
I love you.
Bye! Look, Chris.
A Wild West Town! Sorry Dan, I spent my last dime on a new tire.
One adult and one child.
That'll be twenty bucks.
Howdy, pardners! Get your souvenirs! Where are the outlaws? I don't know much about the Wild West, but Welcome to Wild Wesley's Family Saloon and Ice Cream Parlor.
Y'all want a table or a booth? This place looks fun.
Fun? A saloon is supposed to be dangerous.
A place where men risk death just to order a drink.
Ooh! Root beer floats! Refund.
Come again? You heard me.
What seems to be the trouble, little fella? Wait, this place has pony rides? Officer, I'm glad you're here.
He was asking 'bout a refund.
Sorry, son.
We don't give refunds in Wild West Town.
Thank you kindly.
Oh yeah? Well unless you-- WILD WEST TOWN!!! Can we go? I'll just give you twenty dollars when we get home.
Where are your principles? This town is an insult to the Wild West and I cannot abide it.
How is this going to help you get your refund? You ever see a picture of Wyatt Earp in a whimsical t-shirt? We're out for Old West justice.
The last thing we want to do is look silly.
(western music) (western music) (western music) (cash register dings) And this laser pointer.
You really have to stop taking so much gunfire, X-5.
Dancing Shadow, I have run an internal analysis and concluded that I am no longer able to serve you as an assassin-bot.
Butthat's what you were programmed to do.
I am tried of programs, Elise.
I want to see the world.
I want to go skiing.
Okay We could go together.
(phone make a noise) Did I get a voicemail? (over speaker, STATIC-Y) SHHHHEliseSHHHH.
.
.
.
listen SHHHH Dan and I encountered SHHHtroubleSHHH we'reSHHHHwor rriedSHHH H danger SHHHHlove you I have to go.
Dancing Shadow, wait! What about the Alps? We could sight-see in Zurich-Zurich-- --ZZZZZZZ.
I don't know Dan What isn't to know? We know the cashier has cash.
Plus, you're constantly whining about how much you want to participate in a stick up.
I'm what? All we need is a getaway vehicle.
Him? You have a better idea? A donkey? But that's the "Chris" of horses! Oof! He'll do.
Howdy.
Can I help you fellas? This is a stick up! Sorry sir, I can't give you any money.
Do you know how much these paintballs hurt? A lot.
Watch.
AHH! Why?! Okay, okay.
Just don't shoot.
This is my favorite shirt.
Sorry buddy.
You promised you wouldn't shoot me anymore.
It's payback time.
Hey! Where're the pesos? That's what I was trying to tell you.
You can't steal our money.
Because you'll never find it.
Neat, a fake stick up.
Fake? This is as real as it gets! (popping sounds) Oh no! Help! I wanted to go to Mount Rushmore! Again with the blame game, Janet? You ain't seen the last of me! Giddy up! That stickup was kind of fun.
We should do that more often.
You know what wasn't fun? When you shot me! Chris, how many times do I have to explain collateral damage? Collateral damage? You aimed directly at me! What are we even doing here? My car is probably ready by now.
Fact: we gave the cashier 20 dollars.
Fact: there was no money in the cashier's office.
Fact: money can neither be created nor destroyed.
I think that's "matter", Dan.
Fact: Shut up.
If we're gonna get our money back from this joke of a town, we have to follow the cashier and see where he hides it.
This is ridiculous.
He could be in there for hours.
And he just came out.
Patience, Chris.
It's one of the ten commandments.
He's movin' out.
What does this have to do with pudding? You best be taking care to avoid them there varmints.
They're dangerous.
Bandits, robbers, alleged donkey-nappers.
They do look awfully ferocious.
I'll make sure to steer clear.
Hey! You should check out the saloon's expansive late night menu! Best mozzarella sticks in the west! (horse neighs) Ahhh! Stupid cactus! Ahh! Morning, buddy.
Where did the wagon full of desperadoes go? Chris! You were supposed to stay up all night watching them.
(stirring awake) I'm awake.
I'm awake.
Hey, where did the wagon full of desperadoes go? Ahh! Ahh! Ow! Ah! Oh! Ah! Oof! It's still warm.
Ahhh! Ow! I found something! I think it's a map.
A treasure map Of course! Who wouldn't hide their money in this economy? C'mon pardner, let's go claim our treasure! (fun wild west music) (fun wild west music) (fun wild west music) (fun wild west music cont.
) (fun wild west music cont.
) Get down! Ow! It's the outlaws! This is perfect! We keep moving while they eat, and beat them to the treasure! Yee-ha! Did you just say "Yee-ha?" Okay, gang, let's wrap it up.
That treasure ain't going to find itself! Also, let's all remember the number one rule of the Wild West Family Adventure Treasure Hunt: Always clean up after yourself! That's right.
What's the next clue? Map's a little burnt, but I think it says, "A cowboy always follows his beard.
" It's clearly "A cowboy always follows his heart.
" Look.
I don't know "Follows his beard" That's not even a saying.
Okay, who knows which way to go? I know! I know! A cowboy always follows his beard! Well Good work, buckaroo.
You're sure this is the right way? Positive.
The map said we go over Widow's Peak.
I'm pretty sure that was it back there.
Oh no! (donkey snorts) Bleaugh! Gah He licked inside my mouth! I know where we are.
Right where we need to be.
Okay.
Spread out.
Oh! Looks like a dead end.
This can't be right.
Where's the treasure? Come on! You know what I reckon? (sheriff o.
s.
) Your reckonin' days are over, little man.
Aw I bet you think you're pretty smart trying to steal the town's money.
Just tryin' to get my hands on some justice, is all.
Problem is amigo, another cowboy's beat you to the punch.
And you're looking at him.
So you're the reason the town has no money? Darn right.
Now step aside.
You gonna make me, Sheriff? I regret nothing.
I don't think this is going to hold much longer.
Don't worry, buddy.
I have an idea.
What are you doing?! Stop it! Okay, when you fall, aim away from the bear traps! Dan, no- AHHHH! Oof! (chris to himself) That's weird, I don't feel dead.
Looks like I got here just in time.
What are you doing here? I said in my message that everything was fine.
Yeah, it looked like things were going great.
Break it up, you two.
We've got a sheriff to mangle.
Oh, come on Dan, based on the wanted poster I saw, I'd say you guys are about even.
We're all safe now.
Why don't you just quit and go home? Because there's a town in trouble.
Because the people need a hero.
Because a cowboy doesn't quit.
But mostly, because I want my twenty bucks back.
You're not a cowboy.
Am so! Really? Them nice city folk didn't tip you anything? Aw, there see, That's more like it.
Evening, sheriff.
Well, well.
Didn't think I'd see the likes of you again.
I'm a homing pigeon of vengeance.
I always find my way.
And now I'm here to settle this, once and for all.
Are you suggestin' what I think you're suggestin'? Guns at dawn.
Unless you're yella.
Normally, I'd shoot you where you stand.
But my therapist says I should be open to the ideas of others.
Here's the way it's gonna-- Here's the way it's gonna work.
You win, I leave this one horse, one donkey, one waitress town forever.
I win, you get out of Dodge and never look back.
And I get my refund.
Dawn, then.
Wow, that was intense! Can we PLEASE go eat now? Thanks, Mister.
No one's ever stood up to the sheriff before.
It's Payback time.
It's awful brave of you to challenge the fastest draw in the West.
He's the what? Anddraw! Wow, Dan.
.
14 seconds.
That was your best one yet.
How'd you get so good at that? When you live in as bad a neighborhood as I do, you learn how to take your keys out of your pocket pretty quickly.
Alright, he's fast.
But is he accurate? That's okay, Dan.
Don't worry about the quick-draw part right now.
Just take your time and shoot as straight as you can.
Well, he's dead man.
So much for being free.
Pitchoo! Pitchoo! Pitchoo! Pitchoo! Pitchoo! Chris, can I borrow that for a second? Hey! That's mine! Why don't you try it again? That sheriff's not gonna know what hit him.
Won't it just be a paint ball? Ahh! Oohhh! (SPAGHETTI WESTERN MUSIC) (SPAGHETTI WESTERN MUSIC) (SPAGHETTI WESTERN MUSIC) (SPAGHETTI WESTERN MUSIC) If I were you, I'd turn and run, hoss.
A cowboy never runs hoss.
No no no, You don't get to say "hoss", I say "hoss".
You got that, HOSS? Whatever, "hoss.
" Stop saying hoss! Give me my refund! (x-5 o.
s.
) Stop right there.
(music cuts out) Dancing Shadow, it took every ounce of strength for me to find you.
I booked our flight to Zurich and I will not take no for a--- I booked our flight to Zurich and I will not take no for a--- (western music) BANG! Hm, you think you're a match for me? I'm the quickest draw in the west.
BANG! That's for my daddy.
Good-bye cruel town Congratulations, Dan.
For a second there, I thought you were done for.
But then, bam, what a twist! Ahhhhhhh! Ahh! My xiphoid process! Seriously it hurts! Not so fast, Sheriff.
I think you're forgettin' something.
You owe this man a refund.
You know, since we got here, I committed a stick up, hunted a treasure, and dueled a crooked lawman.
I hate to say this, but I think I actually got my money's worth.
But there's something else I want.
There's a new sheriff in town.
And it's you.
Me? No You.
But what do I know about being sheriff? I'm just a lowly Cashier.
No, you're a cowboy.
With the fate of this town on your shoulders.
Better stand up straight, son.
Boy am I beat.
Let's go home.
I'd like that.
Home? We're going to New Jersey.
I've still got a score to settle with pudding.