Dan Vs. (2010) s03e06 Episode Script

The Common Cold

Good work, white blood cells! Now hit those nose hairs! Hup, hup, hup, hup.
Hey little virus, hold still.
I just want to talk.
(gasps) They're everywhere.
(loud alarm sounds) (dan congested) Ehg.
Still got it.
(dan sneezes) (knock on door) (knocking harder) Dan, open up! We're going to be late for bingo.
Ugh! Oh gross.
What are you doing? Oh, good thing you're here.
I've been trying to open Mr.
Mumbles's cat food all day.
(dan coughs) (mr.
mumbles) YEOWLS Dan, you don't look so good.
Never better! Now come on, we got old people to fleece.
Have you seen my pants? I think instead of a Bingo, we should take you to a doctor.
Chris, I am not sick! I've never been sick.
And, if you must know, I'm never going to be sick.
Ever! Well, You're sick.
Guess you were right.
I'll have to buy you a drink at Bingo.
Dan, I'm sorry to tell you this, but you have a pretty bad case of the common cold.
A cold is a viral infection in the upper respiratory tract.
Are you telling me you've never had a cold before? I happen to lead a very healthy lifestyle.
(dan sneezes loudly) Dan, if you want to get over this thing, you must avoid physical exertion.
No problem, I've been avoiding it my whole life.
That means no bingo.
No bingo?! COMMON COLLLLLLLLD!!!! (coughing fit) This cold is the worst thing to ever happen to me.
And I've been in a country music concert.
Relax, it's called the common cold for a reason.
It's common.
(out of breath) Oh you're common.
Now what in Sam Hill are we gonna do to lick this thing? I'm thinking voodoo.
Well, the doctor did give you these pills.
They're probably a good start.
Hey, what are you doing? Ah, the pills didn't work.
I feel just as bad.
They don't work right away.
You have to be patient.
You wouldn't say that if you knew how I felt.
You've never been where I am.
I, like the average American, get 3.
2 colds a year.
This year I've already had 1.
Ow! We need a better plan.
Think, monkey, think! Hey, hey, quit it! Hey, Stop! What about home remedies? All you need is stuff you'd find in any home.
Ow! That's a cute story, but we both know all I keep in the house is cat chow and expired turkey.
But there's something you don't know-- --I hide food here.
When this is over, we're gonna talk about your problem.
Who wants chicken noodle soup? Hey, that's supposed to help with your headache.
Well, it's not.
None of this is working.
I'm waist deep in oatmeal, wearing an onion necklace, and I have a potato under each arm.
Are you trying to help me or turn me into a snack? Just hold still while I go put mint jelly in your socks.
This is stupid.
How could I be so naive? There's only one thing that's going to make me feel better.
Lots of rest? (Dan laughs turns to coughing) No.
I need to find out how I got this cold and get revenge.
I can't believe I didn't think of that earlier.
Stupid cold.
Now, do you think I got bitten by an insect? Or is it in the water supply? I'm almost certain you caught it from another person.
A person.
Of course! It's always who you least expect.
Who have you come in contact with in the last 2 to 5 days.
You! Hey Dan! Dan, I'm not sick.
I meant who else? Good question.
Lemme check my day planner.
You have a day planner? Hey, I have a very busy social calendar.
ID please.
Hello there.
I'm sorry to bother you, but I left my lipstick in there earlier.
I can't let you in without-- A date for Saturday night? My hero! She gives him a peck on the cheek.
(elise v.
) Pause it there.
Is that Giselle Montgomery? The supermodel? (spy boss v.
) Former supermodel.
Now she's old and bitter.
Can't let go of the spotlight.
So she goes from hawking blue jeans to stealing biological weapons? It's tough out there for former models, Dancing Shadow.
I of all people should know.
It's imperative that we find the weapon and take Giselle down.
I'm on it.
(spy boss v.
) Good luck.
Sorry about that.
Could I get a tuna melt with extra olives-- Still here, sir.
(spy boss v.
) Oh! This is the exact opposite of avoiding physical exertion.
Unless you take it easy, you're never going to beat this cold.
Oh, I'll beat this cold.
With a stick.
This is such a bad idea.
Hey, Ninja Dave.
I need a list of everyone who came in here Monday.
That's weird.
Why do you n--n--n- ACHOO! YOU!!! You have the cold! Yeah, it's the worst.
THWAP! Ah! Hey! I have to get revenge.
Even if it means taking a stick to my favorite cookie provider.
Its funny though, usually after I get revenge, I feel a lot better.
Why isn't this working? I told you, the best treatment for a cold is rest.
That's the problem.
You're giving me treatments when what I need is a cure.
Well, sorry, there's no cure for the common cold.
Told ya.
What are you talking about?! If modern science can cure a ham, you can cure a common cold.
With all of the life threatening diseases that are yet to be cured, there's isn't the manpower nor the resources to exhaust on such a mild virus.
Oh, I get it.
You're lazy.
Hey, where are you going with my stethoscope? To do what you should have done a long time ago.
I'm going to cure the common cold! For the stethoscope.
Hut, 2, 3, 4.
Hut, 2, 3, 4.
I don't know, but I've been told-- I was born to fight a cold.
Halt! Ready, aim, mucus! (dan sneezes) Ah, chemistry.
The delicate art form in which even the slightest miscalculation can have catastrophic results.
So THAT'S why you wanted to use my kitchen.
Do you even know what you're mixing? Oh yeah.
Ghost pepper extract.
That'll definitely clear out my sinuses.
I got apple butter.
Goodbye, achy joints.
I even got some red dye number nine to make it look tasty.
And some baking soda, cause it's in everything.
What's the steak for? I'm hot.
Whoops-a-daisy! And people say newspapers are useless Dan! My floor! That's why it's called experimenting.
Of course! Let's go, Chris.
If anybody has what I need, it's these guys.
This is never going to work.
If She's extorting the world with a biological weapon, why would she care about some dumb photoshoot? A photographer! Oh, you must be lost.
I'm not lost.
I'm from Teen Vague Magazine and you're the world famous Giselle.
Can I come in? Ugh.
Talk about bad timing.
I'm right in the middle of this other project.
You don't have five minutes to show everybody that you're still the most beautiful woman on Earth? Why aren't you more excited? We're about to steal a bunch of great science junk.
I don't want to steal science junk, I want to play bingo! Someone needs to wipe that smug look off of Mrs.
Jablonski's face.
I think that's just how her face looks.
Do you even have a plan? I'm sure it'll come to me.
Dan, you can't just rely on a plan falling into your lap.
That was lucky.
But what am I gonna wear? Very impressive.
Just be cool.
Hello, excuse me! Could you two help me with something? Doubtful.
But, aren't you scientists? You're wearing lab coats.
I need a second opinion.
I was going to give this monkey some formula C6.
How many drops do you think is appropriate? Hmmforty? Forty? Really? Even 10 would kill him.
You didn't let me finish.
Not forty.
I said Four Tee-nsy weensy little drops and he'll be fine.
Did you get a look at that monkey? I think you two might be cousins.
That's really mean.
Would you like a banana? Yeah! Gimme Gimme! Ow! He was talking to the monkey.
I feel like there's a rave in my head.
And I wasn't invited.
Look, you've got all the equipment you can carry, now I'm putting my foot down.
Before you mess around with any more cures, you're going home and taking a nap.
The good stuff.
Eh, Dan, please.
Don't beg, Chris.
It's unbecoming.
(scientist o.
) Excuse me, but why did you steal my equipment? What do you need it for? You have a monkey! I have a theory.
That you're not actually scientists.
I have a theory.
You're a geek.
Hello? Security? WHAM! (dan coughs and hacks) Ah! Germs! Get off of me! Very sorry about this.
Stop apologizing! We've got to go, Chris.
The common cold won't cure itself.
You're trying to cure the cold? Why didn't you say so? I thought there was no cure for the cold.
I cured it two years ago.
The Chicken Noodle Soup lobby won't let me release it.
Hah! Told ya, Chris.
Modern science.
Goodbye, Cold.
You won't be missed.
I don't feel any better.
And you won't.
You just drank a vial of Amonazillium Negative.
A very rare, very nasty super-virus that attacks every cell in your body.
Why you little-- Ho ho ho! Relax.
It only lasts for one hour.
Well, that's not so bad.
And then you die.
Now who's the geek?! In your face! Ahhh! I'm Phobic! Come on boys, we've got 'em beat! Chaaaarge! What the-- Retreat! UghI can't believe you gave me a deadly super-virus! I can't believe no one's thought to do it before.
Please, sir.
My friend may be rude, but he doesn't deserve to die.
Oh, alright.
There is an antidote.
There is? Sure.
The virus is binary.
Each one by itself is quite deadly, but taken together they cancel each other out.
All you have to do is drink Amonazillium Positive and you will be cured.
Great, give me some Amonazillium Positive, and I'll consider not feeding you to your monkey.
Well,I would, but a bitter ex-supermodel stole it yesterday.
Hah! Haha.
Fooled you twice! You still got it, Heinrich! So, Dan, looks like this it.
Have you thought about what you want to do with your last hour on Earth.
I'm not saying it HAS to be bingo, but-- I don't want to play bingo.
We've got to go find the antidote! How are we going to find the right supermodel? There must be dozens out there.
What's wrong buddy? Who cares about him? Hello! Fifty-eight minutes to live over here! She said she'd call! Giselle Montgomery? How do you know her? Hey, my leg went numb.
I let her in here yesterday.
She stole the virus.
So why aren't you fired? My dad's the CEO! Ok, I want you to give me demure A very fierce! YeaÄ GiddÄ giddÄ giddy! Yes Ä vapiÄ oh! Perfect! Do you mind if we get a few shots without the vial? I can hold it for you.
That's OK.
So, how long have you been at Teen vague? I used to know everyone there.
A couple of months.
How is Jane Smith doing? She's good.
Just had a baby.
Really? Because that's a name I just made up.
Not so fast.
I'll kill both of us.
Why? You have so much to live for.
You don't understand.
I was a supermodel with the world at my feet.
And then I turned 19 and I am all washed up.
My phone stopped ringing, the stalkers stopped stalking.
That was six months ago.
Now I'm just young, beautiful, and rich.
It's a nightmare.
Now show me scared.
Hey, that was a great idea, stealing this window washer.
It was MY idea? Yeah, Dan.
Don't you remember? Who's Dan? Am I growing fur? So many pretty colors.
That's good, Dan.
Try to stay positive.
Let's see, if I were a former supermodel, where would I keep biological weapons? (giselle o.
) Hold it right there! What are you doing in my apartment? I know you're not the paparazzi because they don't care about me anymore.
Did it just get really blue in here? What my friend meant to say is, we're sorry.
He's quite ill, and if we could just borrow your super-virus for one second, we'll be out of your excessively shiny hair.
Hmmm WHAP! If I can't be a supermodel anymore, I'll be a supervillain.
With a supervirus.
Which reminds me, I need to go to the supermarket.
Elise? What are you doing here? (elise mumbles) What are YOU doing here? We don't have time for this.
Dan only has a few minutes to live.
I'm not letting you die, buddy.
Oh, yeah, he's gonna die.
Come on, think, monkey! Think! Elise, find me some baking soda.
Was that there when I left? Careful, that's the deadliest supervirus ever created.
I'm going to feed it to Dan.
Okay! Oh, no! We're all going to die.
Well, we fought the good fight.
No shame in going down swinging.
(whistling) (explosion) Did you do this, general? Yes I did, son.
Yes I did.
Dan? Dan? Say Dan again.
I dare you.
Hey, what happened to Giselle? Let's just say she's going to need another nose job.
Wow, that really--achoo! oh, no.
Now you've got a--a--a--achoo! Don't look at me.
I feel great.