Danger 5 (2011) s01e05 Episode Script
Fresh Meat For Hitler's Sex Kitchen
1 The Palomino is now the property of Adolf Hitler.
From now on, the entertainment must comply with his standards.
Enjoy your evening.
And once they pulled the last piece of shrapnel out of my buttocks I was well and truly certain our marriage was over.
Marriage is a waste of time, if you ask me.
Well, I wouldn't be so sure about that, Tucker.
Once the war blows over, one might not know what to do with oneself.
Well, that's what I think anyway.
Sounds like you've thought about it long and hard.
Do you ever want to settle down, Jackson? Thanks, Pierre, but you're not my type.
Everybody put your trousers on, orders are in.
Over the last several days, Allied forces across Europe have been defecting to the Nazis.
What do you mean, defecting? Troops have been spontaneously going Kraut without warning.
Field Marshal Jenkins' entire platoon has recently gone Nazi.
Jenkins has a whole lot of classified information in his head we don't want the Nazis to get their hands on.
Your mission is to get Jenkins back onto home soil, find out what's making our men defect to the Nazis, and kill Hitler! Enter.
You Jenkins? Oh, that'd be right.
Send in the Americans to get me.
That's their answer to everything.
- We're not all American.
- Heavens be praised.
You're not all going to try and fit in here, are you? It's already dreadfully stuffy.
- Fine.
llsa, let's go get a drink.
- Another Orange Kennedy for me.
I need all the spirit I can get.
A night at the Palomino really takes it out of you, if you know what I mean! Hey, Heini, I just came back from ze bar.
It's packed with posh folk returning from a weekend at the Swiss place.
I bet they're loaded with swag.
Didn't you get enough at the whorehouse? Don't take that tone with me.
You know I can never have enough jewels.
Hey Be careful.
- So, your men just turned? - Precisely, my dear.
Damnedest thing.
Some of my most loyal boys just started babbling German and tried to knock me off.
Nothing unusual had happened to them? Not that I caught wind of.
They'd just come back from R and R in Switzerland.
- It's like they were possessed by Hitler.
- Precisely, meine Liebe.
- Hm? - What did you just say? Hey llsa, here's your Cherry Fiasco.
Nobody move! - We have to move quickly.
- Just go while he's asleep.
I can free myself.
I won't leave without you, little sister.
Just go, I'll be right after you! - What did you just say, Jenkins? - I don't know what you mean.
What's got into you, Jenkins? Any movement and I will paint the walls with your blood.
Reinhard, you old showman.
Your jewels now! Hey! - Danke, danke.
- Zat was great! Don't do it, Jenkins.
Put it there, old man.
Capital job you did there knocking off that Kraut.
Shot him dead you did, some would say.
Hey, that's our job.
Name's Petersen.
British Intelligence.
Just on my way home from rounding up a bunch of Jerry spies in Switzerland.
What say you come back to my cabin for a belt of real whisky? None of the rubbish they serve here.
- I appreciate the offer, but I - It's Johnny Cockerel.
- Mmmm - Much obliged.
I'm just in the next carriage.
I have booked out the entire carriage, so we are guaranteed not to be disturbed.
Take a seat.
Hey! Please, don't shoot.
- What are you, German? - No, I am Swiss.
My name is Gwendoline.
Please, you must help me.
The Nazis have kidnapped me.
If they find me they will kill me.
They they killed my sister! Thank you.
You are very kind.
First things first.
Let's find the other two.
- Other two? - One of them looks American, the other looks volatile.
I saw them going into the other carriage with the Nazi! If you don't shoot me, I'll show you.
What last carriage? Zey killed Heydrich! Allow me to solve your problem.
Mein Führer! Turns out Gwendoline was spot on.
The Nazis have replaced all the girls with blonde bombshells.
Why did I have to dress like this, again? You don't look enough like a Nazi, Pierre.
Are you saying I make a better woman than a Nazi? Just relax and go with the flow.
You and Gwendoline go and work some of the clientele in the beer garden.
Look out for anything suspicious.
We're going to talk to management.
Over and out.
- Are you laughing at me, my friend? - I think you look very fetching.
There doesn't seem to be anything suspicious going on out here.
Time for a drink, then.
Cuervo, my man! - Two Lemon San Diegos, please! - Lemon San Diegos? I don't believe I've tried those before.
Trust me, you'll love it.
I wanted that shit done today! - Who's in charge here? - Who's asking? Sturmbannführer Berger.
I have a new delivery.
She was supposed to arrive with the others.
There was a mix-up.
- And the Führer requests a full progress report.
- Progress report? Boys, check out the merchandise.
This is not protocol! It is around here.
Administration has to test the product.
Quality control, Berger.
- Go on, have a taste.
- Get your hands off her.
What's the matter, Berger? You a fruit or something? You're going to blow our cover.
It's okay, I can handle myself.
That's the spirit, Berger.
- Okay boys, be gentle.
- Gentle? Molesting a lady of the Third Reich is tantamount to fiddling with the Führer himself.
A crime punishable by only the worst kinds of death.
Now where's the report? As my father lay there dying in my arms he looked into my eyes and said "Pierre, never use canned olives in a Vodka Marconi.
" Then he died.
What? Oh, you think that really works, do you? What really works? Oh, please! It is a true story! You don't have to try that stuff on me.
Progress report! Uh, yes, the girls so far have been Oh, no! The Swiss! Who are you? Uh, can we come to some sort of arrangement? Who are you? - Would you care for a cigarette? - What are they? - Gute Nacht After Dinner Specials.
- I haven't had dinner yet.
I'm your last meal.
Get your fascist mouth away from me! - You hit a woman! - I hit a Nazi.
Good morning, meine Liebe.
I am Conrad Turbo Grrrrr! Fist machine! You disgust me.
Mess him up, Berger! We have arrived at the Palomino, sir.
You stay here.
I am not walking home.
Oh God, it's the Swiss.
What do zey want? More money? Mmmmm Ahhhh Ugh What is it? That's ze man, ze man that killed my sister.
How about a dance, gumdrop? For two hundred dollars, you get a whole lot more than a dance.
But you have to take both of us.
Package deal.
Whatever.
Come on.
This Palomino must be filled with Nazi hookers.
A horse filled with hookers? Wait a second, then that blonde must have No, maybe it didn't work.
You're fine, right? You don't feel like a Nazi? No, we can fix you.
Yes, you do! Take a seat.
Now, would you like to The gun I can't reach it from here.
It's not going anywhere.
I say Jones, my sovereign head hasn't been pummelled like that since the Blitz.
That slice of crumpet certainly blabbed an unnerving amount of German, though.
Urgh!! This is for my sister.
Rate of Infection? Doldinger Castle.
Ha! All the girls in this place have a Nazi virus.
That's what makes the troops turn.
And it looks like Hitler has set up shop in Doldinger Castle.
Well, this certainly has turned into a bit of a chicken hot-pot.
I say we make our leave.
Doldinger Castle.
Now! Hold it! I have high standards.
Hold it right there, Hitler! - What on earth's wrong with her? - She's got the Nazi bug.
Come on, llsa.
Get yourself together! You can do it, my friend! Come out, Hitler.
It's over.
Gwendoline don't go.
What can I say? I wish I had met you sooner.
Goodbye, Pierre.
Two part crème de cacao, one part vodka, pour over crushed ice.
Add milk.
Finish with chocolate flakes.
Ze perfect Swiss Kiss.
Swiss blood.
It's made of money.
I think it counteracts Hitler's magic, undoes the Nazi virus.
Yeah.
Better bottle that stuff and get it to the Allies.
How do you feel now, llsa? Bow your head to the king of biscuits.
King of Biscuits.
Premium quality dipping snacks.
Made from only the most kingly ingredients.
King of Biscuits.
The regal way to start your day.
Major allied cities have come under attack from Nazi monsters.
No conventional weapons can stop them.
Allied Command was ready to surrender, until they received a telegram from this man.
He calls himself Gibraltar and he claims to be from the lost city of Atlantis.
The Atlanteans have developed a weapon that can stop the Nazi monsters.
All they need is some of our refined uranium to power it.
Use this weapon to destroy the monsters, and, for the love of God, damn well kill Hitler!
From now on, the entertainment must comply with his standards.
Enjoy your evening.
And once they pulled the last piece of shrapnel out of my buttocks I was well and truly certain our marriage was over.
Marriage is a waste of time, if you ask me.
Well, I wouldn't be so sure about that, Tucker.
Once the war blows over, one might not know what to do with oneself.
Well, that's what I think anyway.
Sounds like you've thought about it long and hard.
Do you ever want to settle down, Jackson? Thanks, Pierre, but you're not my type.
Everybody put your trousers on, orders are in.
Over the last several days, Allied forces across Europe have been defecting to the Nazis.
What do you mean, defecting? Troops have been spontaneously going Kraut without warning.
Field Marshal Jenkins' entire platoon has recently gone Nazi.
Jenkins has a whole lot of classified information in his head we don't want the Nazis to get their hands on.
Your mission is to get Jenkins back onto home soil, find out what's making our men defect to the Nazis, and kill Hitler! Enter.
You Jenkins? Oh, that'd be right.
Send in the Americans to get me.
That's their answer to everything.
- We're not all American.
- Heavens be praised.
You're not all going to try and fit in here, are you? It's already dreadfully stuffy.
- Fine.
llsa, let's go get a drink.
- Another Orange Kennedy for me.
I need all the spirit I can get.
A night at the Palomino really takes it out of you, if you know what I mean! Hey, Heini, I just came back from ze bar.
It's packed with posh folk returning from a weekend at the Swiss place.
I bet they're loaded with swag.
Didn't you get enough at the whorehouse? Don't take that tone with me.
You know I can never have enough jewels.
Hey Be careful.
- So, your men just turned? - Precisely, my dear.
Damnedest thing.
Some of my most loyal boys just started babbling German and tried to knock me off.
Nothing unusual had happened to them? Not that I caught wind of.
They'd just come back from R and R in Switzerland.
- It's like they were possessed by Hitler.
- Precisely, meine Liebe.
- Hm? - What did you just say? Hey llsa, here's your Cherry Fiasco.
Nobody move! - We have to move quickly.
- Just go while he's asleep.
I can free myself.
I won't leave without you, little sister.
Just go, I'll be right after you! - What did you just say, Jenkins? - I don't know what you mean.
What's got into you, Jenkins? Any movement and I will paint the walls with your blood.
Reinhard, you old showman.
Your jewels now! Hey! - Danke, danke.
- Zat was great! Don't do it, Jenkins.
Put it there, old man.
Capital job you did there knocking off that Kraut.
Shot him dead you did, some would say.
Hey, that's our job.
Name's Petersen.
British Intelligence.
Just on my way home from rounding up a bunch of Jerry spies in Switzerland.
What say you come back to my cabin for a belt of real whisky? None of the rubbish they serve here.
- I appreciate the offer, but I - It's Johnny Cockerel.
- Mmmm - Much obliged.
I'm just in the next carriage.
I have booked out the entire carriage, so we are guaranteed not to be disturbed.
Take a seat.
Hey! Please, don't shoot.
- What are you, German? - No, I am Swiss.
My name is Gwendoline.
Please, you must help me.
The Nazis have kidnapped me.
If they find me they will kill me.
They they killed my sister! Thank you.
You are very kind.
First things first.
Let's find the other two.
- Other two? - One of them looks American, the other looks volatile.
I saw them going into the other carriage with the Nazi! If you don't shoot me, I'll show you.
What last carriage? Zey killed Heydrich! Allow me to solve your problem.
Mein Führer! Turns out Gwendoline was spot on.
The Nazis have replaced all the girls with blonde bombshells.
Why did I have to dress like this, again? You don't look enough like a Nazi, Pierre.
Are you saying I make a better woman than a Nazi? Just relax and go with the flow.
You and Gwendoline go and work some of the clientele in the beer garden.
Look out for anything suspicious.
We're going to talk to management.
Over and out.
- Are you laughing at me, my friend? - I think you look very fetching.
There doesn't seem to be anything suspicious going on out here.
Time for a drink, then.
Cuervo, my man! - Two Lemon San Diegos, please! - Lemon San Diegos? I don't believe I've tried those before.
Trust me, you'll love it.
I wanted that shit done today! - Who's in charge here? - Who's asking? Sturmbannführer Berger.
I have a new delivery.
She was supposed to arrive with the others.
There was a mix-up.
- And the Führer requests a full progress report.
- Progress report? Boys, check out the merchandise.
This is not protocol! It is around here.
Administration has to test the product.
Quality control, Berger.
- Go on, have a taste.
- Get your hands off her.
What's the matter, Berger? You a fruit or something? You're going to blow our cover.
It's okay, I can handle myself.
That's the spirit, Berger.
- Okay boys, be gentle.
- Gentle? Molesting a lady of the Third Reich is tantamount to fiddling with the Führer himself.
A crime punishable by only the worst kinds of death.
Now where's the report? As my father lay there dying in my arms he looked into my eyes and said "Pierre, never use canned olives in a Vodka Marconi.
" Then he died.
What? Oh, you think that really works, do you? What really works? Oh, please! It is a true story! You don't have to try that stuff on me.
Progress report! Uh, yes, the girls so far have been Oh, no! The Swiss! Who are you? Uh, can we come to some sort of arrangement? Who are you? - Would you care for a cigarette? - What are they? - Gute Nacht After Dinner Specials.
- I haven't had dinner yet.
I'm your last meal.
Get your fascist mouth away from me! - You hit a woman! - I hit a Nazi.
Good morning, meine Liebe.
I am Conrad Turbo Grrrrr! Fist machine! You disgust me.
Mess him up, Berger! We have arrived at the Palomino, sir.
You stay here.
I am not walking home.
Oh God, it's the Swiss.
What do zey want? More money? Mmmmm Ahhhh Ugh What is it? That's ze man, ze man that killed my sister.
How about a dance, gumdrop? For two hundred dollars, you get a whole lot more than a dance.
But you have to take both of us.
Package deal.
Whatever.
Come on.
This Palomino must be filled with Nazi hookers.
A horse filled with hookers? Wait a second, then that blonde must have No, maybe it didn't work.
You're fine, right? You don't feel like a Nazi? No, we can fix you.
Yes, you do! Take a seat.
Now, would you like to The gun I can't reach it from here.
It's not going anywhere.
I say Jones, my sovereign head hasn't been pummelled like that since the Blitz.
That slice of crumpet certainly blabbed an unnerving amount of German, though.
Urgh!! This is for my sister.
Rate of Infection? Doldinger Castle.
Ha! All the girls in this place have a Nazi virus.
That's what makes the troops turn.
And it looks like Hitler has set up shop in Doldinger Castle.
Well, this certainly has turned into a bit of a chicken hot-pot.
I say we make our leave.
Doldinger Castle.
Now! Hold it! I have high standards.
Hold it right there, Hitler! - What on earth's wrong with her? - She's got the Nazi bug.
Come on, llsa.
Get yourself together! You can do it, my friend! Come out, Hitler.
It's over.
Gwendoline don't go.
What can I say? I wish I had met you sooner.
Goodbye, Pierre.
Two part crème de cacao, one part vodka, pour over crushed ice.
Add milk.
Finish with chocolate flakes.
Ze perfect Swiss Kiss.
Swiss blood.
It's made of money.
I think it counteracts Hitler's magic, undoes the Nazi virus.
Yeah.
Better bottle that stuff and get it to the Allies.
How do you feel now, llsa? Bow your head to the king of biscuits.
King of Biscuits.
Premium quality dipping snacks.
Made from only the most kingly ingredients.
King of Biscuits.
The regal way to start your day.
Major allied cities have come under attack from Nazi monsters.
No conventional weapons can stop them.
Allied Command was ready to surrender, until they received a telegram from this man.
He calls himself Gibraltar and he claims to be from the lost city of Atlantis.
The Atlanteans have developed a weapon that can stop the Nazi monsters.
All they need is some of our refined uranium to power it.
Use this weapon to destroy the monsters, and, for the love of God, damn well kill Hitler!