Daria s01e08 Episode Script

Pinch Sitter

And on that fateful day, his followers obediently drank the poison brew.
Jonestown: one charismatic leader exerting his demonic will over scores of followers.
What lesson can we take from this tragic example of herd-like behavior? Kevin? BYOB? Please return to your stupor, Kevin Okay! while we continue our discussion of cults! Can anyone give me another example of a group using coercive techniques such as peer pressure, chanting, and social isolation to achieve control over its members? Brittany? Cheerleading? Ah, Brittany.
Sometimes, despite a complete lack of insight, you stumble upon an interesting answer.
Wow, and I didn't even have to read the chapter! She'll never have to worry about mind control.
No, but she'll have to watch out for ferrets building a nest in her head.
Now remember, your term papers are due Friday, and no excuses will be accepted.
You want me to take over your baby-sitting job? I'm not sure, Quinn.
Please? Just this once.
You're the only person I can trust to do this, Ronnie.
I can tell by your eyes Really? Yeah! They're so sincere! Well And your face, it's very honest! You're so nice, and dependable, and Nice? Sincere? You're never gonna go out with me, are you? No.
Hey, there's Quinn with one of her many admirers.
She's well liked among classmates of both sexes, and yet, strangely, she turns my stomach.
Well, I Quinn, some guy named Skylar was looking for you this morning.
Oh, no! He figured out you're my sister? Actually, he seemed to think I was your au pair.
He asked me how I liked America so far.
People are so weird! Some are weird.
Some are just astonishingly self-centered and deceitful.
Later.
Skylar Feldman? His family has a boat.
It's almost summer! Yeah, right.
Ask him to baby sit for you.
But he can't go out with me if he's baby-sitting.
Then try your sister.
She seems like the type who has plenty of Saturday nights free.
They bake cookies by day, but they really heat up the night! G- string grandmas, today on Sick, Sad World.
Gross! For once, we're in agreement.
This color looks nothing like melon.
It's way too pink.
Oh, hey, Daria? What are you doing Saturday night? Forget it.
I don't like kids.
I didn't even like kids when I was a kid.
But you gotta take my baby-sitting job! I could end up all summer on some public beach.
Six bucks an hour! I could make a down payment on that isolated mountain cabin.
I'll pay you a two dollar an hour bonus.
You can do your homework and earn money at the same time.
Well, there is that history paper I haven't started yet.
But if I baby-sat for you, then technically, I'd be doing you a favor, and that simply cannot be.
There's angel hair in the freezer, girls, and don't forget, tomorrow we're hosting the couples workshop.
It's focus on teens night! I expect you to be there.
Sorry, Mom, I have a date.
Remember what you said on Saturday? A commitment's a commitment.
Yes I did say that.
Well, I'll see you there, Daria.
I can't.
I have a commitment.
You? I'm baby-sitting.
Oh, no, the laundry shrank your shirt.
No, they didn't.
Oh.
You know, I used to wear mini-skirts but life goes on.
Well, I was surprised to hear about Daria's baby-sitting job tomorrow night.
Yeah! I was, too! Especially since it's for the Guptys, and they usually call you.
I know! People are so weird! In fact, I think I remember something about you going over there tomorrow night? You know, I think they did shrink this shirt! Quinn, how do you expect to get anywhere in this world if you don't stick to your commitments? But I didn't mean to double-book.
It's hard to keep track of dates when you're attractive and popular.
I can't have another fiasco like last Saturday night.
Think of how it must have felt when those three boys all showed up here at the same time! It felt great! I meant for them.
You know the time-management consultant I've been seeing? Doris Doright? Deena Decker.
I'm going to have to book us for a mother-daughter session.
Like a class? Think of it as a makeover.
My treat.
Well okay.
I'm so excited! Talk about an efficient use of quality time! Now, Daria, I hope Quinn explained our rules.
Were you planning on having a boyfriend in the house? Because, heh we don't allow that.
No problem.
I'm flying solo these days.
Then I guess it's not an issue.
Unless I pick up somebody on the way over.
What? She's kidding, Mrs.
Gupty.
My sister's a big kidder.
Ha, ha, Daria.
Ha, ha, Quinn.
Well, you'll need a sense of humor to tangle with our devils.
Lester! No, seriously, they're great kids.
See you Saturday, Daria.
Bye.
Ten dollar surcharge if I have to spend more than fifteen minutes with the parents.
That's fair.
Prioritizing: it's the first step towards streamlining your life.
Helen, please share your list of priorities, stating the most important first.
One: spend more time with my family.
Two: break through the firm's glass ceiling.
Three: beat the pants oft Carly Fishbeck in the library board election.
Four: get the spice back into my marriage.
Mom! Four: window treatments for the living room.
Great, and what are your priorities Quinn? One: dating.
Two: shopping.
Three: bouncy hair.
Four: school.
You don't have to rush, sweetie.
Maybe you would like to rethink the order.
Helen, Quinn is just being honest.
We can't get anywhere unless we take a hard, honest look at what really matters to us.
One: get the spice back into my marriage.
Quinn, here's your very own Teen Life Runner, just like Mom's.
My baby's all grown up.
Don't forget to enter this experience on your Proud Moments Summary Page.
I can't use this thing.
It's ugly! Customized styles are available for an extra charge.
I'll take the coral.
Leatherette.
We also sell a matching lipstick and compact that fit right inside the planner.
Now I'll be attractive, and popular, and organized! If they start to drive you nuts, tell them you know this great game called "cemetery.
" They have to lie on the floor and pretend they're dead.
The first one to move or make a sound loses.
This whole thing is giving me the creeps.
I can't even think about that stupid history paper.
Relax.
I'll be there by eight.
Hey, Daria? What kind of car do you think that is? See ya later.
Yeah.
Isn't that the nouveau riche sports sedan? What are you doing? Date evaluation system.
Convertibles get bonus points.
Coral! Is life great or what? Bye! Hey Daria, where are you going? It's couples therapy night! Baby-sitting job, Dad.
Wish I had a baby-sitting job.
What? Those couples, they're such a bunch of wimps.
Always so freaking sensitive.
Hang in there, Dad.
You'll meet some insensitive couples.
I'm sure of it.
Thanks, kiddo! Hi, Mrs.
Kewpie.
What? Mrs.
Gupty! Please, Daria, call me Lauren.
Come on in, we're almost ready.
She'll be comin' around the mountain when she comes she'll be comin' around the mountain when she comes Can we punish her now? It's time for her punishment! Can we punish her now? Brain! Brat! Brain! Brat! Brain! Stop that! Stop that! Oh! It's my heart! You know, she stuffs her bra.
Hi, I'm Quinn.
I'll be allowed to date in four years.
Here they are: the little monsters! Lester! We don't let sitters use the phone, but we made an exception for Quinn after she explained that she calls her grandmother every hour.
My grandmother? To tell her to take her pill.
Oh, yeah.
Actually, tonight it's my turn.
Now, Daria, here's your schedule.
As you can see, we've broken everything down into fifteen minute increments.
Let's review it together.
Do you know a woman named Deena Decker, by any chance? Yes! And the vocabulary word for tonight is "indemnification.
" We left food for you in the fridge.
Have fun kids.
Bye, Mom! Bye, Dad! Okay, you can drop the angel act.
What do you mean? Is it time to floss yet? We're supposed to be discussing current events.
I have a headache.
Is that current enough for you? Is Quinn really your sister? Yeah.
Then how come her hair is so much bouncier than yours? Oh, look, there's been a last-minute change in the schedule.
It's time to watch TV.
But too much TV is bad for you.
It can turn you into a zombie, Daria.
Well, that'll make three of us.
Your parents put one of those lock-out things on here, didn't they? All I'm getting is the Forecast Channel.
Yay! The five-day report! That means the Midwestern Business Planner is next! See, Tricia, I told you the barometric pressure was falling.
Know-it-all.
Commercials are bad.
Commercials lie.
Let's move the snack up to 8:15.
We'll get to flossing quicker.
Quinn, I know that plenty of guys want to go out with you, and plenty of girls want to go out with me, and that makes me think we should be together.
Oh, Skylar, you're number one in my book by 14 points.
Will you excuse me? I'll be right back.
Raisins? Raisins are nature's candy.
Then why do they have to cover them with chocolate to sell them at the movies? Sugar is bad.
Sugar rots your teeth.
Sugar makes you hyper.
Hitler ate sugar.
I can hope and I can dream and I am full of, full of, full of, full of self-esteem! The hare and tortoise had a race, the tortoise won, he took first place, he knew he really passed the test because he did his very best.
So very mad was Mr.
Hare, he claimed the race, it wasn't fair, who won, who cares, it's all the same, what counts is how you play the game.
I can hope and I can dream and I am full of, full of, full of, full of self-esteem! This record is shot.
Why don't you ask your parents to get you the CD? Compact discs were forced upon consumers so that record companies could increase their profit margins.
That's important for a six year old to know.
Let's play it again! I win! Okay, that's enough cemetery.
Let's play a new game.
It's called lichen.
Here are the rules.
Lie on the floor and make believe you're a fungus on an old tree trunk.
First one to move, or drop a spore, loses.
Hey, Grandma, it's time for your damn pill.
You were supposed to be here an hour ago.
I'm desperate.
I had to wait for my ride.
Trent just got back from rehearsal.
Relax, I'm on my way.
Tad dropped a spore! Did not! It was a raisin! Bring junk food Quinn always lets me fix her hair.
Her bouncy hair? Find something else to do.
I guess we can listen to the record some more.
Okay, the hair it is.
I'll shine your shoes! Do you always do exactly what adults tell you? Yes! Do you always believe everything they say? what if two adults say exactly opposite things? You're mean! Thank God you're here.
All hail, Pippi Longstocking.
Hey Trent, come look at this! Where did you learn to baby-sit? I used to help with my sister Summer's kids, till they got old enough to run away.
Can I exfoliate your skin? Quinn lets you do that? Quinn doesn't need it.
Yes, well, you've used exfoliate, our vocabulary word of the night, so now it's time for bed.
But the vocabulary word for the night is indemnification.
Made you say it.
Okay, kids, we're all suited up, so it's time to blast off to sleepy land! I guess I just don't speak the language.
But you have to read us a bedtime story first.
It's on the schedule.
Sure is.
Right before ear canal irrigation and praying for world peace.
Mr.
Potty Goes to Town The Tidy Teddy Bear Family Kaneesha's First Kwanza.
The Ten Arguments for the Elimination of Television Pop-Up Activity Book.
Isn't there something decent to read? Got some old classics over here.
They'll do.
So Cinderella skipped the ball and asked her fairy Godmother to make her the first woman president.
Realizing that the monarchy was becoming obsolete, the prince opened a video store.
That's not how it goes.
But I like it better this way.
And then, the little engine decided that he just wasn't the competitive type.
So Old Mother Hubbard tracked down the deadbeat loser and made him pay child support.
And the dish ran away with the spoon, but Hawaii was the only state which would recognize the marriage as legal.
And the truth is, no one will ever ask to see your permanent record.
Wow, you guys are smart.
I think that's enough for tonight.
Gee, Mom and Dad never told us that people can think for themselves.
Yeah, or that Tom Cruise is five foot four! Daria? Jane? How do we know that what you tell us is the truth? You don't.
And that's the greatest lesson of all.
We made up that part about aliens living under the North Pole.
I thought so.
Hey, the kid's gonna be all right! Well, they're finally asleep.
Think you can fix that? Think I can fix it? Tonight, on Sick, Sad World, a prime-time special about people just like you, only more pathetic.
Just in time.
I guess you're not going to work on your paper.
I'll have to get an extension.
Right now, I'm having trouble remembering my own name.
Can we have a drink of water? Cool! Mud wrestling! Oh, busted! Kick it to the curb, girlfriend! This is fun! You're my favorite baby-sitter, Daria.
Me, too! Just don't tell your parents we let you stay up late.
Do we look stupid or something? So much progress in one night.
So, when do you want to go out again? How about a week from Thursday? I'm booked until then.
I thought you were my girlfriend now.
But I can't cancel all my other dates.
I have to stick to my commitments.
Besides, I wrote them down in pen.
Wednesday, Eric? But he's my best friend! And who's Bob? No that's B period O period B period.
It stands for boy on bike.
I didn't catch his name.
Let me see that! Wow, what's this! Long term plans: September, break up with Skylar; October, go out with Taylor? His parents have a ski house! Hi, Daria.
How did it go? Any problems? It sure is hard to tear them away from their oral hygiene routines, but other than that Well, thanks for coming over.
We'd hate to miss Couple's Therapy Night.
I just love the new picture in your living room.
You were at my house? Yes, and we had a breakthrough tonight.
Your father cried.
Brittany, although your topic, "The Cult of Abs," was an intriguing one, I'm afraid that the choice of photo collage, rather than actual text, did not work to your advantage.
"D.
" Bummer.
And I ruined all my magazines! Daria, your paper was excellent, and the original research was thought-provoking, although it would probably be considered a felony in most states.
"The Real-Life Experiment in Mind Control Deprogramming.
" I guess I got inspired.
Talk about an efficient use of quality time.
I am cool and that is it, and everyone else is full of, full of, full of Tad! Tricia! Written by Anne D.
Bernstein Transcript com com RĂ©ponses au blindtest: Sick Sad World G-string Grandmas Dishwalla - Give Quinn's shrunken shirt The Cardigans - Been It Jane putting her shoes on Portishead - Glory Box Daria walks up to the Gupty's door Orbital - The Saint Theme Dionne Farris - Hopeless Bally Sagoo - Tum Bion Jiya in Chez Pierre Celine Dion - All By Myself playing cemetary and lichen Orbital- The Saint Theme storytime Tricky - Overcome storytime Tricky - Black Steel Dis N Dat - Freak Me Baby After 7- Sara Smile closing credits Local H - Fritz's Corner