Daria s01e10 Episode Script

The Big House

Hold it, young lady.
What are you doing out so late? What are you doing out so late? What do you mean? I'm always out this late.
Then you can tell me how to sneak in.
Well, for one thing, stop tiptoeing around like a geek.
Have a little dignity, Daria.
If I had any dignity, do you think I'd be out here letting you try and teach me how to be cool? Whatever.
What's going on down there! More threatening.
Let me handle it.
Darn it, what's going on down there! Jake, you sound like such a geek.
Is this gonna take long? I'm supposed to be somewhere.
Is there another tight pants sale going on at the mall? Don't start, girls.
Your father and I are very upset that you broke your curfew last night.
I didn't know I had a curfew.
Well, that's interesting, Daria; I didn't, either.
But according to your mother Jake! The point is, you were out way too late, which is why tonight we're going to Destroy our lives with your crushing rules and regulations? I can't breathe, Mother! I can't breathe! No, tonight we're going to set some boundaries.
And we'd like your input.
Well, everybody knows that late curfews should be go to people who can use them: attractive and popular people with lots of friends.
Wow! Who said that? Thomas Jefferson? Or was it Barbie? It can't be Jefferson Of course not.
No pin-headed historical person could ever make that much sense.
All right, girls, forget the input.
Hey, does this mean we get to wander in the desert for forty years? After much hard work, your father and I have come up with a set of guidelines I think we all can live by.
That's right! A lot of thought went into this.
Do I have to read these? Later.
Wow, the new system seems really great and interesting, and I can't wait to sit down and really read through it Oh, brother.
but right now, I sort of have to go.
I have a date.
You can't go out on a date.
It says right here that we don't permit that on a school night.
Rule Eighteen.
You know what? You're confused about my use of the word date.
I have a date to meet with my uh algebra study group.
Oh, well, that sounds okay.
All right.
But as per the procedure outlined in Rules Twenty-One through Twenty-Six, make sure you sign in when you get back.
Yeah bye.
And don't wait up, you know how study groups are.
Good for you, Quinn! Study hard! Am I the only one who sees what's going on around here? Rule Number One: persistent questioning of parental judgment is punishable.
There she is, Miss American Bookworm.
You really must have been burning the midnight oil last night.
We weren't burning anything.
I mean your algebra study group.
What are you talking about? The study group you went to.
The sign in sheet said you got back at eleven-thirty but now that I think about it, I went to bed at eleven-forty-five.
Hey, I thought you got that watch fixed? A couple of times.
Prepare to be busted.
Quinn, were you at a study group last night or did you go on a date? Don't you see how your rules are strangling me? Yes, I went on a date, but we're in love, and all the rules and regulations in the world can't stop that.
In love? With whom? His name is Cliff.
Oop, no wait, it's Clint.
I'm not positive, but I can find out at school.
You don't even know his name, and you're in love with him! You know what? You're confused about my use of the word love Do you have any idea how many of these rules you've broken?! How many, Dad? And which ones? Wha what's that got to do with it? Argh! Okay, ground me.
I wish it were that simple.
What? So instead of saying, "Don't come home so late," now they've created some elaborate punishment system.
You mean like a spanking machine? I mean like Family Court.
Due process? Yikes.
Hey, you guys wanna buy tickets for the faculty-DJ roller hockey game? Are you kidding? We'll take two.
What? You're gonna pay to watch teachers skate around with DJs? Classic rock DJs? You weren't here last year, Daria.
Rock and roll, foreva! Help me Mr.
DeMartino had to have an emergency angioplasty.
He almost died.
But a voice told him that his work here on Earth wasn't finished.
Some of the students weren't wetting the bed yet.
This year, he's more determined than ever to snatch victory from the jaws of death.
Three hundred ninety-eight three hundred ninety-nine fooouuur hundred! Rock & Roll Randy, this year you're mine.
What are you saying? You know how there are people who go to car races on the chance that they might see a crash? I'm in.
What do those Supreme Court judges wear under their robes? Declassified government polaroids, next on Sick, Sad World.
Hi, honey.
Are you girls ready for your day in court? Can't you just punish us? I'd like to pay my check to society and get on with my life.
Your father and I want you to have a fair hearing.
Then we'll punish you.
But a court procedure? Isn't that a little bureaucratic? Bureaucracy is the price we pay for impartiality.
Jefferson! Stalin.
It's all about fairness, girls.
That's why your father will make a terrific judge.
I get to be the judge? Look, someone once said, "The most important thing in life is not to look like a geek.
" Do you have any idea how geeky all of this is? That's it, Daria.
All I can say is that I hope you have a darn good defense lawyer.
A lawyer? Mom? Sorry, honey, I'm prosecuting.
And if I do say so myself, you're going down.
Let me start by saying that, while I respect the effort that has gone into this Oh, my God, I almost forgot! Sorry, councilor, the court requires this accoutrement.
Oh, for heaven's sake.
Family court is now in session.
Don't fall off the accoutrement.
All rise.
Please be seated.
The court calls the case of the family versus Daria and Quinn Morgendorffer.
Dad, what is this? Dad? I don't see any Dad.
You honor, may the family proceed with our opening statements? Will you approach the bench please, councilor? How do I look? You honor, let me make it clear at the outset that this is not a witch hunt.
Daria and Quinn are two fine girls who have often made us proud.
But But that doesn't make them exempt from the simple truth that rules are rules.
Hello? or boundaries Yeah, bye.
Your honor, I have to go.
I, um, made an arrangement to work, uh, on the school's adopt-a-highway prior to this court date.
But we haven't even called you to the stand yet.
Well, I was going to plead guilty or whatever anyway.
I throw myself on the mercy of this, um, honorable court.
The court grants you permission.
Thanks! Now, then Your honor, I plead guilty, and place my faith in your wisdom, compassion, and your keen sense of fair play.
Well said.
Grounded for a month.
What? I wasn't even the one who stayed out late.
We have to set boundaries, Daria.
Nobody said the justice system would be fair.
Actually, I think somebody did say that.
Jefferson or somebody What have I told you about backing me up? Sorry, the sentence stands.
You and your sister are grounded for a month.
Man, this game's gonna be great! I say Mr.
D goes down halfway through the second period.
That's too late.
He's gonna blow out early in the game, while the adrenaline's high.
You guys are so insensitive.
What do you have in the pool, Jodie? Third period, two minutes in.
Prime cramping time.
Hey, Daria.
What do you have in the DeMartino pool? I'm not going.
I'm grounded.
What did you do to get grounded? No offense.
None taken, especially since I'm just the victim of a bizarre experiment in parental justice.
An experiment? On you? Yeah, they deliberately exposed me to jurisprudence.
That's a little twisted.
The sad part is that these are the people responsible for my genetic makeup.
Great dinner, honey.
Right, girls? Now, off to the exercise yard before lockup.
Hey, that's right! Any final words before grounding official begins? This sucks! What have I said about using that word? That you'll ground me or something? Hey, I wouldn't want to go back to Family Court if I were you.
I hear the judge is pretty tough.
See? This will fly by in no time.
How can you sit there and read a book about an animal? That's so second grade.
Quinn What were his eyes like? Right.
Honey, I need to make a call.
I'll just be a sec, Dad.
What about his hair? Would you say his teeth were round or more squarish? Right.
I know, squarish is so hot.
Now, let's get back to the six other guys you was with.
Then she said her parents are trying to change her generic makeup or something! They really should.
I hate that generic makeup.
It gives me hives! But it's so freaky, babe, I mean, she's weird enough as it is.
You know, the only thing actually worse than reading is watching somebody else read.
Really? You think that's going to happen in the next six months? That would be so great.
Quinn, I really have to use the phone.
Muh-om! I'm sorry, but I think that learning about my future husband is a little more important right now.
What? Are you talking to that Clint person again? Who? No, it's my psychic buddy.
Hang up that phone this instant! Those calls cost a fortune! I'm sorry, but I need the phone and my daughter isn't allowed what? Why, yes, I was about to call a client.
Really? I believe he was born in August Yeah, hi, Daria.
I was kind of wondering if maybe you could stop now.
Dad, these tired bones may be locked behind prison walls, but when I play this rusty old harp, my soul flies free as a bird.
I'm sorry, honey.
You go on and play.
Thank you.
Okay, enough already.
I can't stand it.
Can I please borrow a book? Try this.
I think you'll get into it.
Ha, ha, very funny.
Now give me something that I can read.
No, I think you'll like it.
It's about this girl who's so popular that everybody fights over her.
Any horses in it? As a matter of a fact, there's a great big one.
This is a trick, isn't it.
Kevin's all weirded out.
He says her parents have come up with some sick punishment that gives her hives.
They've been giving her hives for years.
Look, I spoke to Daria.
They're just sitting around the house.
Come on, see for yourself.
Well, well.
The little dog comes home to Park Place.
Park Place with a hotel.
Dad, I'm afraid you own me sixteen hundred dollars.
okay let's see one two eh, twelve seventeen I have seventeen dollars.
Any property? It's all mortgaged.
Care to make a deal? I'd need infinite free passage through all your properties I can do that.
five thousand dollars Keep talking.
and all your railroads.
I believe we can do business.
Jake! You cannot revoke Daria's grounding.
But I'm losing! See? She's okay.
I guess so.
Although the clothing would disguise any electrodes below the neck What are you talking about? There've been a lot of rumors about what you've been going through.
It's hell in here.
When does it end? I don't care.
It's been too long already.
I've paid my debt.
You mean That's right.
I'm bustin' out.
I made a tape of my harmonica music, I can climb down the lattice in under three minutes, and I know exactly how often the neighborhood security guy drives by.
It'll be tight, but I think I can make it.
Hold on.
Hello? Daria, this is your mother.
Would you tell Dad that I have to work late drafting a report? You bet.
Go get 'em, tiger.
Jane? Yo.
Hold on.
Hello? Hey, Daria, it's Dad.
Would you tell Mom that I've got dinner with a client tonight? A biggie! Uh, I'll be sure to leave her that message.
Bye-bye! Jane? Yeah? New plan.
Come over and pick me up.
I'll be at the front door.
Hello! Mom and Dad are taking the night off from being jailers, so I'm taking the night off, too.
You're busting out?! The confinement has made me desperate.
If I don't get out, I'm afraid I might do something crazy.
Really? No, I'm going to the roller hockey game.
Are you? Oh, um, no.
I'm not looking for any trouble, but you go ahead.
I suspect you have some scam worked out for yourself, but since I can't prove anything, I'm asking you not to rat on me.
Hmmm, okay, yes, I will do this thing you ask.
But one day, I may ask a favor of you.
Never mind.
Think anything has happened yet? You mean anything cool? Nah, the ambulance is still in the lot.
Hey, look.
Daria's loose.
See? I told you she was okay.
She looks fine, for her.
I don't know This could be it Come on take your punishment like a man! I'm not a man, dude, I'm a rocker! Why you Where's your rock & roll power now? Hippie! Yes! Woohoo! Rock & roll power forever! My knee! Damn.
I don't suppose we can get a refund.
He could still have a heart attack.
He tries walking on the bad knee, and the pain is so bad his heart stops.
Just trying to find the silver lining.
They did mental stuff to her.
I can tell.
Nobody better try that on me! Quinn? Get off me! Where's Daria? It's payback time, Randy! Hey, this isn't so bad! Beats Monopoly.
Quinn! Quinn! Tommy, go away.
But you said You're two hours late, jerk.
Oh, hi, Daria! Mom flipped last night when she found out where you went.
And how did that happen? I really don't know.
Oh, look, here she is now.
Your honor Haven't you already made enough mockery of our judicial system? I just want to confer with my distinguished counterpart on the prosecution.
That seems fair.
You can't seriously expect me to plea bargain.
unless you send her back to prison.
Daria, it's our policy to be tough, especially on youthful transgressors.
But think of the effort you have to spend on incarceration.
Scrabble Risk Monopoly Operation.
I see your point.
Well? Your honor, the family has offered to settle.
Daria agrees to parole.
I have to call in if I'm going to be in later than 7:00 PM.
So what happened? Does Daria have to pave the driveway or something? I got off.
Enjoy prison.
Wait a minute! Daria has proven that she understands the necessity for discipline.
But you're sending me a bad message about whether I understand that whatever you said.
Good point.
Well, we'll give you parole on a trial basis.
If Tommy calls, tell him I'm on my way.
Listen, this new rules things wasn't a total failure.
Would you like to hear some Junior Wells? You know what? Why don't you go out and find your friends and have a good time.
Come home late.
Hey, thanks.
So, basically, you've convinced them that you were too dull to be worth grounding.
Exactly, and the sad thing is, it's kinda true.
Kevin, I already told you, my parents did not conduct experiments on me.
I know, I know, but seriously, now tell me the truth.
All right.
I had a magnetic device implanted in my head.
I knew it! What does it do? It attracts gullible boys.
Cool! Does it work? It's working right now.
Whoa! Dude! That is very uncool.
There's no sadder sight on this Earth than a football player trying to think.
Who said that? I believe it was Jefferson.
Written by Sam Johnson and Chris Marcil outpost-daria.
com com RĂ©ponses au blindtest: Daria arriving home late Powerman 5000- Tokyo Vigilante #1 Helen introducing new rules Mary J.
Blige - Love Is All We Need Quinn getting busted Powerman 5000- Tokyo Vigilante #1 Mr.
DeMartino working out in gym Shabba Ranks - Mr.
Loverman start of family court Chalk Farm - Live Tomorrow immediately after commercial break That Dog - Never Say Never Daria reading Rage Against the Machine - Killing in the Name Quinn on phone; Daria playing Scrabble Komeda - Rocket Plane Kevin and Brittany at Pizza King Foxy Brown - I'll Be Quinn on phone with "psychic buddy" Komeda - Rocket Plane Quinn asking Daria for a book Cowboy Mouth - Jenny Says Helen wakes Quinn Nuyorican Soul - Runaway morning after roller-hockey game Offspring - Gone Away Daria and Jane at Pizza King Bis - This is Fake DIY closing credits Warren G - I Shot the Sheriff