Daria s04e09 Episode Script

Mart of Darkness

Oh, yeah.
The magic is happening now.
What magic? I'm not gonna end up turned into frog, am I? Fear not, oh Prince of the Suburbs.
I hate it when there's a famine and nobody tells me.
You know Mom, she doesn't like to clutter up the kitchen with food.
Now, all it needs is a little color and, voila! I'll just make the deadline for the art fair.
You haven't seen my art supplies, have you? I left them here in a bowl.
Dammit! So then, Brooke showed up at the party in acid-washed jeans and tried to pass them off as retro.
I know! Who knows what she'll have on at the barbeque.
Banana clips? Oh no! Oh, my God! Oh no, accessory emergency.
Stacy, I have to go.
No Stacy, it's not you.
It's not.
It's not! Okay, fine! It is you! Bye! A vision of Christ in a half-eaten candy bar? Talk about "My Sweet Lord!" The Immaculate Confection! Next, on Sick, Sad World.
I'm sorry, but Quinn's in Kenya on safari.
Good oh.
Want to go to that new warehouse store with me to pick up some more art supplies? I hear they've got a state-of-the-art linoleum floor.
Thanks, but I think I'll stay here, flat on my state-of-the-art ass.
Come on, you have to come with me.
There's safety in twos.
What about Tom? Actually, we got in a fight and he stormed out.
Took the kids too, the bastard.
What happened? I'd rather not talk about it.
Then what's the fun of getting together? Come on, I'll buy you a slice, after.
I guess I can pick up this lying around project again tomorrow.
I just hope I don't lose my momentum.
So, you reached for your boot and the lace was gone.
The kid is sick, I tell you.
What could she possibly want with a bootlace? Maybe someone wore plaids with stripes and the Fashion Club's planning a hanging.
How many slices are you buying me? Let's just make it a pie.
Doug Thompson scores and lifts his buns high in the air! Hey folks, welcome to the annual Lawndale High football barbeque.
Grab some food, make yourself at home, and feel free to toss around the old pigskin.
And if she objects, use a football.
I see where Kevin gets his charm.
Yeah, Mr.
Thompson's funny.
Oh, shut up.
Halt! Mr.
DeMartino, you know very well that you are no longer allowed to consume food at school functions, what with your abysmal behavior at last year's bake sale.
Loading up your trunk with leftover bundt cake.
Ms, Li.
I explained to you at the time that I was merely trying to stretch a food budget drawn tight! Drawn tight by what? By trying to make ends meet on a shoeshine boy's salary! Now get out of my way.
I want chips and dip! Restraining order! Aaaaaauuuggghhh! Was that Anthony? He sounded upset.
Oh, no.
He was telling a very clever joke that ends with a fellow falling onto a spike! Most amusing.
Thank you for picking up the food, Timothy.
Now, if you'll just give me the receipts so I can so the school can write it off.
I must say, it's commendable of the Thompsons to provide us this opportunity to bond with our students in a relaxed setting.
Still, I wonder if Mr.
Thompson shouldn't be setting, well, a slightly better example.
Never mind that.
I want you to talk to him about Kevin's grades.
We can't afford to have our quarterback suspended for something as petty as academic performance.
Lousy, stinking statewide requirements! Hey, where's the barbeque sauce? You can't have meat without barbeque sauce! Who's the idiot that picked up the food? Keep it down, we have company.
I'm sure Kevin will be happy to go get some.
Besides, he could use a change of scenery.
Isn't it beautiful? My Kevie gave it to me to show how much he loves me! Aw, babe.
You're like, worth it.
Kevin, your father needs you to run to the store for some barbeque sauce.
I'll go with you.
Oh, Brittany, you don't have to leave the party.
Kevin is perfectly capable of bringing back the sauce on his own.
But really, Mrs.
Thompson, I don't mind.
Brittany, read my lips.
Yaaaaahhhh! Damn! It was, "Damn," right? I just love laundry detergent boxes.
They're so happy! Wow, these must be for really big machines.
Anyway, what were we supposed to get? Um, I thought you were gonna remember.
Me? Your mother told you.
Don't sweat it, babe.
Whatever it was, we'll remember when we see it.
Our memories will go jogging.
I could never get Tom into a store like this.
And some day, he'll tell me his secret.
Shoppers, it's twelve noon.
And that means the sample stations are open! One per customer.
I said, one free sample per customer.
A feeding frenzy, and me without any chum.
This could get ugly.
You're right.
I'll go back to aisle thirty and get some lounge chairs.
No time.
I've gotta go home and finish my statue or I'll miss the deadline for the art fair.
Okay, then.
Where do you think they hide the bootlaces? Hmm.
Probably about sixty aisles away from the art supplies.
Hey, there's a salesperson, let's ask.
Excuse me, miss? It's good to know what they save on air vents, they spend on customer relations.
You don't do well in overheated, overcrowded, grimy warehouse stores, do you? Hey, Tom.
Hi, Trent.
Is Jane around? You just missed her.
She and Daria went to Payday.
What day? You know, that warehouse store that just opened? Hey, that was a pretty good fight you had last night.
Yeah, sorry we woke you.
Do you know where this store is? I figure we should talk.
Actually, I could take you over there.
I need to get a new headlight.
Do they have scented candles? I'm all out and I haven't had a bath in a week.
You're riding in back.
This yard is quite unkempt.
I know.
They should really get a lawn makeover.
And, who are all those old people? They must be Mr.
and Mrs.
Thompson's friends.
Eww! I didn't know that teachers were gonna be here! Ms.
Li's legs are bare! Um, Mr.
Thompson Hey! How are ya? Call me, Doug.
Okay, uh, um, Doug.
I wanted to talk to you about Kevin.
He's a great kid, isn't he? Hey, did you see the game on Sunday? Did the Cowboys kick ass? Yeah.
Yeah, kicked ass! It was awesome, man.
Of course, what's important is not whether you win or Boy they really kicked, um butt.
Yeah, man.
They kicked butt! Yeah, kicked ass! Totally.
Great, this stupid boot is giving me a blister.
Cheer up, a little indigestion and you'll forget all about your foot.
Have a Lincoln Cheese-Flavored Log.
Made from the finest ingredients.
Food substitute? Call me a purist, but I don't think that cheese should crunch.
Doesn't the phrase, "beechwood aged" mean anything to you? Excuse me, ma'am.
Do these finest ingredients include mercury? Do you want them to include mercury? Ugh.
Hey, there she is! Yo! Wait up! Excuse me, girls, but could one of you get a box of chocolates off of the top of this stack for me? I don't want to topple it.
Actually, we're kind of in a rush.
See, my doctor told me not to exert myself suddenly.
I had this seizure a while back.
Um, sure.
Oh, cheez logs! I'll be right back.
That seemed pretty sudden.
Hold out, Anthony.
It's almost noon! You can do it! Mr.
D! I thought you were at the barbeque.
What are you doing here? I'm sorry if my shopping cart has confused you, Kevin! I'm here for the command performance of Madame Butterfly! In the automotive department! Wow, Kevie.
This store really does have everything.
No kidding, babe.
Have fun at the butterfly show.
Thank you, Kevin.
Cheez logs! But but Aaahh! Damn, cheap watch! Look at this place.
I can't believe people actually shop here.
Kind of cool, huh? What would anyone do with that much ketchup? Um, put it on hamburgers? Gee, Quinn.
How are all of us going to use that sunscreen if you can barely get any out? How are all? Oh, no.
Quinn, I hope you haven't forgotten that it was your assignment to bring the sunscreen for the entire Fashion Club.
Unless, you want us to get wrinkles.
Oh, Sandi, I hope you don't think that.
I've always said your creamy complexion is one of your most attractive features.
Um, should I go to the store and get some more? If, you don't mind.
Oh, no.
I'd be happy to.
And, since you're going anyway, I'm out of moisturizer.
And I'm out of cran-raspberry lip gloss.
Me, too.
Fine, I'll go to that new place.
They probably have everything.
Hi, girls.
Oh, Quinn! Wait up.
Is this mozzarella? Is that your favorite kind of cheese? Yeah.
Then, it's mozzarella.
Come on.
We're never gonna find Jane if we keep standing around.
Hey, man.
It's mozzarella.
Kevie, my feet are killing me! Maybe we should call your dad and ask him Eep! That's that's my locket! The one you said you bought at Cashman's! Four ninety-nine! Is that all I'm worth to you? They made a mistake! Who put that dot there? It's supposed to say, um, a whole lot more! But babe! You see, that locket was only temporary.
Until I could save up the money to buy you a really, really expensive one.
What do you think I am? Stupid? Wait.
Are you asking if I think you're stupid, or are you just calling me stupid? Ooh! Babe! Mr uh, Doug.
About Kevin.
You're right.
Where the hell is he? I sent him off an hour ago.
I'm sure Brittany's holding him up.
Doug, that girls gonna get in a family way and Kevin will have to get a job and never go to college! Whoa, hold on there, Momma Bear.
I'm sure Kevin will be more careful than we were.
Well, what do you think, Timbo? You know Brittany.
You think she's the opportunity gets knocked up type? Actually, I was more concerned about Kevin.
Great kid, isn't he? May I inquire as to what is in these? Why, the very best cheese alternative.
Deep fried in nature's own cooking oil.
At a thousand calories a piece, they're a meal in themselves.
Um, sir.
Please save some for the rest of the store.
I'm sorry, I must've missed the sign that says "one per customer.
" Delicious! Excuse me, are these free samples? Yes.
No! This place is so wrong.
Quinn Morgendorffer, is this your idea of a joke? Sandi, no, I've never been to this store before.
Otherwise, I'd never suggest we come here.
I see.
As President of the Fashion Club, I'm calling an emergency meeting, right now.
But Sandi, I swear this shirt is a hundred percent cotton! It just looks like a blend.
If you're finished with your unsolicited outburst on fiber content, I'd like to call your attention to the fact that we're surrounded by moving fashion violations.
So, we should try to help these people? Don't be silly.
Some people are beyond help.
Now listen carefully.
We are to proceed directly to the health and beauty aisle, pick up our supplies, and go straight to the cash register.
Unless Stacy wants to tell us what her shoes are made of.
All right, then.
Follow me.
Aw, crap.
We'll never get out of here in time.
Hey! The sales girl! Wow, here's what I was looking for.
Gummy bears? I thought you needed art supplies.
These are art supplies.
When you put these babies in a microwave, they melt into an incredible stained glass-like mosaic.
The goop also works as a killer adhesive.
Gee, does it remove pet stains, too? Scoff all you want, but I'd been sorting them by colors, gathering up compatible materials for weeks, and I was finally all set to make this incredible work of art when When, what? When Tom ate my gummy bears! So Tom ate them, even though he knew you needed them for the statue.
That was pretty inconsiderate.
Well, now that I think about it, I may not have actually told him they were for my statue, but he should've known! Definitely, especially since they were probably right there, next to your paints, unless he eats paint, too.
Um, the gummy bears were in a bowl on the kitchen counter.
But, they were in plain view of my statue! I don't have a leg to stand on, do I? I'd rather not answer that, Stumpy.
Aw, hell.
Look, Tom's reasonable enough.
Maybe if you just talked it out.
Sounds sort of drastic.
Then, how about this? Serve him some frozen lasagna and tell him you're sorry you haven't been around much lately, but as soon as you get some time off, you're gonna do something fun together and really catch up on each other's lives.
You know, Helen ought to right a book.
Quick! Before she disappears again! These containers are so yuck plain! And look, the names aren't even French.
Where are the small, pleasantly shaped bottles? These gallon sizes are gonna stretch our purses.
But guys! This whole thing is only five, ninety-nine! Five, ninety-nine? Like I would compromise my skin with cheap moisturizer? Come on, let's go.
Complimentary cheez log? Cheese? Well, I suppose, if they're low calorie.
Excuse me, miss.
How many calories are in these? None.
None, at all.
Well, here are the gummy bears.
but no sign of Jane.
Look at all those gummy bricks.
We should stock up for our next road trip.
I wonder which ones have the longest van life? I can't keep stoking these coals forever.
Dammit, where's that kid of mine? Actually, we could us this little break constructively, by having a talk regarding Kevin's academic performance.
Hey, I wanted to talk to you about that, too.
Have a brewsky.
Ah! Back off, it's mine! Excuse me, madam! But, possession in nine-tenths of the law! Oh, that's it! I'm down to one log! I've got to go all the way to the back for more.
I'm banishing you both from this table right now! Go to the tire section and find some nice rubber to gnaw on.
You'll pay for this.
I'm a teacher! Try to collect! Come on, babe.
Let me make it up to you.
I'll get you anything you want.
Anything? Um, sure.
Kevin, Brittany, I want to ask you a favor.
They're, um, only serving people who's name start with letters in the first part of the alphabet.
Like "K", and "B.
" But isn't "D" in the first part? An astute observation, Brittany! But, uh, "M," as in Mister DeMartino, is not.
Yeah, babe.
I need to taste the cheez logs for, um, a big student appreciation party I'm planning in class.
Would you mind getting me on or ten samples? Sure! One of those square headlights might look kind of cool.
Might not fit my car.
Might not? Trent, what's the year and model number of your headlight? Hmm, I bet that's important.
Here you go, Mr.
Thank you, Brittany! Yum! You! Out! Hey, you can't do this to me! Thug! Jackboot! By the way, mind telling me how much you make? Caught ya! Andrea? Well, you found me.
Now you can make fun of the pathetic goth chick whose parents make her work at a crappy job in a stupid warehouse store.
Go on, cut me up like you do everyone else.
I just want a shoe lace.
Besides, I don't think we could cut you up any better than you just did.
Oh, shoe laces.
Aisle 197b.
Um, we never saw you.
We never saw each other.
Look! A case of rasp-cranberry lip gloss.
Um, babe, maybe we've already got enough stuff.
You're right.
I probably won't need flavored lip gloss.
Seeing as how I won't be kissing anyone anytime soon.
Well Doug, I'm shocked pleased, that you're as concerned about Kevin's academic performance as I am.
Damn straight.
You know what we need to do? Cut back on things that distract my son from what's really important.
I couldn't agree more.
Football! Now, there's gotta be some arrangement you can make so Kevin can stop worrying about his grades and concentrate on bringing home the state championship.
I'm, I'm not sure what you're saying.
Aw, hell.
I'm saying, just pass the boy.
Oh, dear! Remind me to pay for these.
Hey, nothing says "I'm sorry" like an Herb Grow Road Kill.
I hope Tom doesn't already have one.
Hey, if we leave now, I might make that deadline after all.
I'm sure we'll be out in two hours.
Three, tops.
Those boysencranse straw candles stink, man.
Yeah, chicks like 'em though.
What is that smell? Gee, Stacy, do you think you got enough cotton balls? But, I'm completely out and this is the smallest bag they had.
I just hope people don't see that and assume you have a huge skin oil problem.
Oh, no! Kevie! You really do care.
Of course I do, babe.
Um, babe? I feel like we forgot something.
Lip gloss, perfume, flowers, I don't think so.
Cool! Finally, the light at the end of the roach motel.
Hot grease! Aaaahhh!!! Freeze! Of course.
Perhaps if I worked with Kevin after school.
Look! Either pass the boy or get off my property! Leave him alone, you testosterone-crazed Neanderthal! You gonna let a woman fight your battles for you? You whus! Now, Doug Hi-ya! Payday is currently experiencing a temporary power outage.
Sales of butane, propane, methane, gasoline and other combustibles will be temporarily suspended until the sprinklers and ventilation system are working again, and we can get the damn doors open.
Thank you for shopping the Payday way.
Oh, no! Kevie, someone stole our cart! Kevie? Will whoever has their hand on my butt please remove it, this instant.
Daria? Yeah? Gummy bear?