Daybreak (2019) s01e06 Episode Script
5318008
1 The Jocks got our food and water.
And they took Jaden, Girl Jaden, Gabriel, Zoey, Severe Bangs Carly, Other Gay Josh, and Jaden.
Don't blame us.
We tried murderlizing Josh so this wouldn't happen.
- That's a confession.
- Pssh.
I didn't say blit.
You said you tried to kill Josh.
- Not what I said.
- It is.
Then you misheard me.
I recorded it.
We tried murderlizing Josh so this wouldn't happen.
That's been fully edited.
If you're looking for bad hombres, then look around.
These kids are here illegally.
They didn't come through an authorized port of entry.
They didn't apply for asylum.
This is an invasion.
I trusted you.
We were friends.
You know how you'd do anything for Sam Dean? I get that.
It's just You don't know Turbo the way I do.
What else have you lied to me about? We should make sure Triumph is still locked up.
I'll go check.
All right.
What are we gonna do about them, Josh? Why are you asking this dope? Josh is such a wuss, his cock dropped off, hitchhiked to San Diego, and is now getting a realtor's license, all just to get away from Josh.
Why are you asking me? Because we trust you.
What I don't know what to do about these assholes.
Look, I'm not a judge or a lawyer.
I'm just a kid, same as Turbo, except Turbo's a spoiled brat who throws temper tantrums.
He is never gonna leave me or us alone.
I don't know how, but we need to take him out for good.
Glendale, latitude 34.
1425 degrees North, longitude 118.
2551 degrees West, to USS Michigan SSBN 727 Port of Washington.
Do you copy? This is Angelica Green.
I'm trying to reach Dr.
Winifred Green.
Do you copy? Mommy? Hello? I did something awful.
I lied to my friend Josh.
I disguised a dead body to look like his girlfriend.
I wanted him to be safe and stay with me so I wouldn't be alone.
He's gonna be so mad at me if he finds out.
What do I do? Do you know what happened to Little Red Riding Hood when she went traipsing to Grandma's all alone? She was eaten by the Big Bad Wolf.
Oh, my God! Really? I've been reading this book, but there are pages missing.
Did you eat the pages? Josh told me what you're doing.
You cannot go to the cereal factory alone.
There could be a wolf dressed as Grandma.
You're right.
Turbo needs to go.
And now is the perfect time to do it.
When he's injured, hit by an arrow during the battle.
Unfortunately, these mall kids are pure priss.
They're not even the kids who got picked last for kickball.
No, these are the kids who had a doctor's note to get out of gym because they're allergic to dander.
You speak English? We are in America.
- English? - Look, we all do what we need to do to survive.
Suburban whities ignore anyone who doesn't look and sound like you.
People say anything around me because they think I don't understand shit, and that nets me information.
Intel is the only real currency that anyone can trade on.
You wanna take out Turbo? You need a tribe with skills.
English? We got a snake up in our house, y'all.
Someone shot Turbo Bro Jock with an arrow.
If you are the filth who tried to topple Turbo, 'fess up.
If you know who this stabber of backs is or have heard any whispers, you best to raise your hand and spill.
So that's how this is gonna go? You are all guilty until proven innocent.
All are punished! Court is now in session, motherfuckers! I play a lot of games, but want to know how I know you're for real? I'm not gonna brain my cousin just 'cause you kissed me.
I'm not trying to manipulate you, Wes.
Getting one off is my pre-game warmup.
Get in a sick cardio blast, and it releases dopamine.
It's like real science and shit.
I like when you talk smart.
I'm not dumb.
No, I know, but you did think that Hawaii and Alaska were next to each other.
That's how it looks on the map.
And you thought a cosine was getting your maid to sign your math homework.
I know sports, okay? And sports statistics, sports quotes, and toys and sports.
Okay, maybe I didn't get my dad's smart genes.
You did get his handsome DNA.
Please tell me that he's not some rich, Simba-hunting douche.
No.
No, my dad So he used to be, like, this mega tax lawyer, but after my mom died, he decided he needed to make the world a better place.
So he got AIDS drugs to kids in South Africa.
He was third chair in the war crimes trial for Slobodan MiloÅ¡eviÄ at The Hague.
He helps children detained at the border.
He's on the board of WHO, and PATH, and UNICEF, and the ACLU, and the NAACP, and YMCA.
He's done work for Pope Francis, Nelson Mandela, Malala Yousafzai, the Obamas, the Clooneys, the Dalai Lama, Kaepernick, LeBron - There's someone else I'm forgetting.
- Who? God? No.
Oprah.
Damn! He coming to the game? No, he's, um He's saving displaced Syrian orphans for the UN.
He does whatever it takes to protect the kids.
I'm gonna go to the mall for my pre-game ritual: grab a 5-hour and a Slim Jim.
Let's go for a walk.
Yeah, walking's a good workout.
Increases the flow of blood to the brain.
You want to know how I know you're for real? You are gonna take us all the way to state.
You're a winner.
You wanna kill Turbo? Follow me.
That wasn't Chinese.
It's Dothraki.
I also know Na'vi, Elvish, and a little Hebrew.
The JCC had a good preschool.
You've got some nerve, KJ, after the shit you pulled in Frogtown.
Josh, meet Aria Killigan and her elite strikeforce, The Game Overs.
These are assassins? You play video games.
We're a combat-ready unit.
Check out our Ghoulie kill-count.
Jonah Hill's kind of an easy target.
Fat Jonah Hill, sure, but skinny Jonah Hill is agile AF.
What were his last words? "I'm friends with Brad Pitt.
" - Of course.
- You can't be for real.
This is like a ten-year-old's birthday party playing games on Nerf mode.
We're online in elite arenas.
The bombs didn't knock out satellites.
We're playing across the globe.
Korea, Norway, Brazil.
We're not the only only ones left.
There's a whole wide world.
Is it is it the same everywhere? Like just kids, no adults, or do they have adults like Baron Triumph and the Witch? Are there animals mutating? Do they know why this happened? Why the bombs went off, or why we survived? What's the mission? Liquidate Turbo Bro Jock.
Fuck off.
- Don't get shook.
- No.
High School taught us one thing.
There are winners, and there are losers.
The best way to live: don't pick sides.
That's why gamers are anonymous.
Don't forget who pulled you out of the shit in Encino.
You owe me.
You do this, you're off my books.
Fine.
We'll help you.
Let's just feed him and get the fuck out of here.
Don't worry.
He's locked up.
I should've known Josh Wheeler would pick a rotten apple like you.
You remember me? How could I forget the girl who gave me explosive diarrhea? You owe me a pair of L.
L.
Bean chinos.
There's an Old Navy at the mall.
Well, that's hardly the same thing.
Feed him and go.
Oh, Ms.
Crumble, you must think the absolute worst of me.
I'm so sorry that I ran away when I saw you at the mall.
It was rude.
I was scared.
You're the boogeyman.
I still have feelings.
Fear is a natural reaction to seeing a ghost.
I don't believe in ghosts.
I didn't believe I'd ever see my racist Aunt Ida licking up gasoline at the ARCO station on Saticoy with her Filipino nurse from the Jewish Home for the Aging, but it happened.
Anything is possible now.
You you thought I was dead? Everybody I know is dead.
I'm so happy to learn that I'm not the only adult left in the world.
And, well I missed you.
I really, really missed you.
Wait.
Did you two fuck? I'm sorry.
This was a big, big mistake.
I should not have come here.
You know what? I have a Malbec that I tasted at a sommelier class at Sur La Table.
It has the woody bouquet of damp morels in a brown paper bag and would pair majestically with Angelica shank.
Crumble doesn't want to eat me.
She cares about me.
We're friends.
I have a pair of L.
L.
Bean chinos that tells me exactly how you treat your friends: you poop all over 'em.
Crumble came here to keep me safe.
Crumble came here to get you alone.
Oyez, oyez.
The Honorable Judge Turbo Pokaski presiding.
Each one of you was in the mall.
We're gonna go through this bitch to suss out fact from fuck-tion.
Someone in here is a traitor.
Someone's gonna Venmo for their treachery! Charged in from the east.
- Game for anything.
- In it to win it.
I was near the Aéropostale.
Pressed Juice.
- Airwalk.
- Juicy Couture.
I pulled a hammy.
I didn't even have a bow and arrow.
- I used a weed wacker.
- Triple nunchucks.
- A nine iron.
- At first, I thought it was my ACL, but no, it was a hammy.
We were dominating.
I was getting hungry I bagged three squifs.
Saw a Cinnabon.
I mean, the mall kids fought back.
Downed 50 BonBites.
I grabbed Matt and Will.
- Then I got thirsty.
- Little pyro tried to set me on fire.
Real thirsty.
Wesley, he knocked me down without throwing a punch.
That coconut water hit the spot.
No, I didn't see who shot the arrow.
I think it came from the Aéropostale.
- Airwalk.
- Juicy Couture.
- Nine West.
- And the next thing I know, I see Turbo bleeding, and I would have helped, but You pulled a hammy.
I don't know who did it, but maybe this is all just some big mistake.
Maybe the guilty party won't come forward because it was an accident, and they're too scared to admit it.
Are you calling Turbo a liar? I didn't know which one you wanted, so I got you all of them.
Either you lied about your dad being a lawyer, and he's actually a picture frame model, which is sad or this isn't really your dad, and you just bought a picture frame which is sadder.
No, this is embarrassing, but the truth is, my dad was working in Africa for Médecins Sans Frontières.
- That means Doctors Without Borders.
- I know what it means.
He was on a mission volunteering with Mary and Annie.
Mary and Annie? Mary J.
Blige and Annie Leibovitz.
Well, sure.
They were on this wildlife preserve, and Annie was taking pictures - 'Cause she's Annie Leibovitz.
- So a couple months later, a publisher was looking through her proofs and saw my dad.
This dude sells stock photos and wanted to buy the picture.
Apparently, exotic locations help sell frames, or some shit like that.
People wanna escape their mundane lives.
So Dad said yes, but only if they donate a portion of the sales to Doctors Without Borders.
You know you can be honest with me.
I'm not lying.
Whatever.
See you at the game.
We've been playing Overwatch with a Jock.
His username is 5318008.
This dude wants to kill Turbo for real.
He's the one that's gonna help us? That's the plan.
Our inside man should be online soon.
Hey, quit fogging up my screen, mouth breather.
Come.
Wait.
What? Gamer etiquette is serious.
Just mute your mic and watch.
I had no idea any of this was here.
Because you're an epic noob.
I do fine, thank you.
Doing fine is why you're a noob.
Oh, better to be a liar, like you? Don't you get it? Moral codes are worth less than stale Cheetos.
If you're such a ninja, then how come you were caught by Triumph? First, that's racist.
And second, you were caught too.
- I got us free.
- Because of me.
Why are you even helping me? You don't seem like the type who'd do something for nothing.
I don't.
Yes! All right.
5318008 is on board.
He'll help us get inside the school.
We move at 1700, full battle rattle.
Tonight, we squelch Turbo Pokaski.
Go away! Why are you doing this? Are you fucking around with me? Is this some Boy Cried Wolf shit, trying to teach me to be a better person? I'll tell Josh the truth, just stop doing this shit, okay? Ugh.
I think you hurt me.
I'm leaking.
Is this blood? Why is there black blood in my crotch? Is this why you wanna eat me? Fuck.
I think I just got my period.
Are you there, Crumble? It's me, Angelica.
I need help here.
I don't know how to tampon.
Maybe I can help.
Go away.
I wish I could, but you and I are both stuck at the moment.
Why are you being nice? I still care about children.
Ms.
Crumble and I are both dealing with the world changing, our bodies changing, just like you.
It's normal to be nervous.
Grown-ups who hide porn on their work laptops are nervous.
I'm not.
I can do this myself, fuck you very much.
As principal, I had to stay up-to-date on current trends in adolescent medicine.
And it's really very simple.
Just place the applicator tip at a 70-degree angle toward the base of your spine.
Unless you have a retroverted uterus.
Do you have a retroverted uterus? I can't even tell which end is the tip! And what is this string for? Do I like pull it for a parachute? No, you need the string.
Don't lose the string.
You can get toxic shock.
If commercials taught me anything, it's that this is my mom's responsibility.
She should be here to get the blood out of my pants, and stroke my face, and take me out for some fucking ice cream.
I know.
I know, sweetie.
Everything is upside down.
If you want some ice cream, I blended Ryan Scott into a nice gelato.
This coming-of-age story sucks.
And again, where the fuck were you? I was near the Aéropostale.
Pressed Juice.
Airwalk.
Juicy Couture.
Nine West.
The hair straightener kiosk.
And I pulled a hammy.
We've been going over this for hours.
And we'll keep right on truckin' till dawn if we have to.
Someone in this room is a deceiver, and no soul is leaving until we find out who.
It's me.
I'm the traitor.
Sit your slow ass down, Owen.
You weren't even there! I'm Equipment Manager.
If I don't put linseed oil on the bowstring, it misfires.
It's my fault.
I took my eye off the ball.
I just haven't been paying much attention because I've been running drills, weight training.
I've gained five pounds of muscle mass.
I thought I could make the team, like Rudy in Rudy, or Lucas in Lucas, or the waterboy in The Waterboy.
I just wanted to be part of the tribe.
Look, I betrayed you with my love.
Put me on the American Ninja Idol stage.
Just let me sing something from Jesus Christ Superstar.
There's no traitor.
Slowen failed.
By your law, he has to be punished.
Hey, fuck you, Gary! Owen is a treasure! - Fuck you! - Sit the fuck down! Sit the fuck down! Selena, where's my jacket? It's Homecoming.
You're supposed to take it to the dry cleaner.
Selena! Dad.
Hey, champ.
I thought you were in Syria.
I was in Syria.
And Budapest, Brussels, and Tokyo where I got you The guy said they were rare.
Perfect condition, original packages even.
I love it.
You're getting too old for these toys, aren't you? No.
No, no.
I don't know, maybe.
You just You only give me presents when you leave.
I met with DHS this morning.
They're getting me the visas I need for Aleppo.
My flight leaves in an hour.
- You know it's Homecoming tonight.
- I know, but I promised Pong Pong I'd make them s'mores.
This game gets us into state.
College scouts are coming.
Also, you know coach is dying? I thought he was retiring.
He's retiring because he's dying! This game is important to me.
I get it.
I get it, my big Turbo Bro Jock.
I hate it when you call me that.
Hey.
There are 5,000 kids waiting for me to bring them those visas.
They're hungry.
They're dying.
Ten every hour.
Now, if I stay, that delays my trip by 16 hours.
That's 160 dead orphans for a three-hour football game.
Do you really want me to stay? It's up to you.
Or do you want me to do whatever it takes to protect the children? What's going on? Power is cut.
Username 5318008 said that we could find Turbo in Mrs.
Fitz's old class.
Everyone move into kill positions.
Unit, report in.
Nimrod, check.
Bronyboy, standing by.
Styx, getting into position in the south corridor.
Styx is fragged.
Everyone, hold your position.
Shit! Someone's coming! Bronyboy is offline.
Something is wrong here.
Something is really fucking wrong.
You're the last one standing, Killigan.
Fuck.
Turbo isn't in Mrs.
Fitz's class.
There's just some scared kids in here.
No.
No, no! We've been set You lose.
You lose.
You lose.
You lose.
You lose! You lose! You lose! After the episiotomy, during which the skin between the vagina and the anus is sliced open to prevent the skin from tearing, the fetus emerges from the birth canal, - coated in a film of vernix caseosa - Ugh! a cheese-like substance.
Babies who have Our perimeter is locked down.
Twenty-four-hour guards, a minefield.
Shit, the only thing we're missing is a moat filled with piranhas.
Someone let you in the school.
Who? Oh, we got days of educational films for you to watch.
What's next? Inside the Urethra: Gonorrhea and You.
Or there's Hobo Jim Lost a Limb: Danger on the Railroad Tracks.
What is the traitor's name? His username is 5318008.
That's your username, Gary.
5318008? That spells "boobies" on a calculator.
That sounds like Gary.
I never played Overwatch.
I saw you playing yesterday.
Okay, but not with these assburgers.
5318008 plays as Wrecking Ball.
Gary plays as Wrecking Ball.
5318008 has a biohazard skin.
Gary has a biohazard skin.
5318008 kinda sucks at laying mines.
Gary kinda sucks at laying mines.
Did you even pull a hammy, 5318008? I get inflamed muscles.
Barry knows.
Tell 'em it wasn't me, Barry.
Tell them it wasn't fucking me.
You said the Jocks were all swole.
You said we'd methodically plan our path to the hole.
We're masters.
This is bullshit.
I'm being set up.
I'm being fucking set up! Permission to treat the witness as hostile? An all new episode of American Ninja Idol returns tonight at 8:00 p.
m.
I don't know, hoss.
All this evidence against Gary, and he still won't confess? Something's not kosher.
I know just how to whisper And I know just how to cry I know just where to find the answers And I know just how to lie I know just how to fake it And I know just how to scheme Car's here.
Wanna walk me down, champ? I know just when to face the truth And then I know just when to dream And I know just where to touch you And I know just what to prove I know when to pull you closer And I know when to let you loose And I know the night is fading And I know the time's gonna fly And I'm never gonna tell you Everything I've gotta tell you But you know I'm gonna give it a try And I know the roads to riches And I know the ways I talked to Hoyles about your dad.
I'm sorry I said you were lying.
I'm sorry I asked you to hit your cousin.
Just need a win.
And I'll never let you fall And I don't know how you do it Making love You're smiling.
It was you.
You set this all up.
Out of nothing at all Out of nothing at all Out of nothing at all I can make the runner stumble I can make the final block I can make every tackle At the sound of the whistle I can make all the stadiums rock I can make tonight forever Or I can make it disappear by the dawn And I can make you every promise That has ever been made I can make all your demons be gone But I don't know how to leave you And I'll never let you fall And I don't know how you do it Making love out of nothing at all Out of nothing at all Out of nothing at all My hammy! No! I don't know what to do.
About? Anything! I'm a dope.
I mean, Wesley lied.
I totally fell for it.
You lied, and I totally fell for it.
Shit.
You know, everything I thought I knew about the apocalypse has been absolutely wrong.
I just wish I knew something that is true.
KJ stands for Karen Jane.
It's a first-generation Chinese thing.
Truth.
Well, it's my dumb fault the gamers were caught.
I should have let this go, but I was so pissed at Turbo and Wesley, too.
I wanted to hurt them both.
It was childish.
I mean, Burr was right.
We're all out of control! No! You freed those kids from Baron Triumph and gave them a home, and me.
The mall can be a place for all the stragglers that don't fit in.
I've never met anyone like you.
You're a good guy.
You're so nice.
Nice is what you say when you have nothing else to say about someone.
It's lame.
I'm not nice.
Crumble? Figured out how to use the tampon.
Maybe you won't go crazy if you can't smell the blood.
It's cherry scented.
Help me.
Crumble? - Oh, what's wrong? - I'm sorry.
Please help me.
It hurts.
You're okay.
It's okay.
position in the south corridor.
Shit! Someone's coming! No.
No, no! We've been set You lose.
You lose.
You lose.
You lose! You lose! You lose! You lose! You lo
And they took Jaden, Girl Jaden, Gabriel, Zoey, Severe Bangs Carly, Other Gay Josh, and Jaden.
Don't blame us.
We tried murderlizing Josh so this wouldn't happen.
- That's a confession.
- Pssh.
I didn't say blit.
You said you tried to kill Josh.
- Not what I said.
- It is.
Then you misheard me.
I recorded it.
We tried murderlizing Josh so this wouldn't happen.
That's been fully edited.
If you're looking for bad hombres, then look around.
These kids are here illegally.
They didn't come through an authorized port of entry.
They didn't apply for asylum.
This is an invasion.
I trusted you.
We were friends.
You know how you'd do anything for Sam Dean? I get that.
It's just You don't know Turbo the way I do.
What else have you lied to me about? We should make sure Triumph is still locked up.
I'll go check.
All right.
What are we gonna do about them, Josh? Why are you asking this dope? Josh is such a wuss, his cock dropped off, hitchhiked to San Diego, and is now getting a realtor's license, all just to get away from Josh.
Why are you asking me? Because we trust you.
What I don't know what to do about these assholes.
Look, I'm not a judge or a lawyer.
I'm just a kid, same as Turbo, except Turbo's a spoiled brat who throws temper tantrums.
He is never gonna leave me or us alone.
I don't know how, but we need to take him out for good.
Glendale, latitude 34.
1425 degrees North, longitude 118.
2551 degrees West, to USS Michigan SSBN 727 Port of Washington.
Do you copy? This is Angelica Green.
I'm trying to reach Dr.
Winifred Green.
Do you copy? Mommy? Hello? I did something awful.
I lied to my friend Josh.
I disguised a dead body to look like his girlfriend.
I wanted him to be safe and stay with me so I wouldn't be alone.
He's gonna be so mad at me if he finds out.
What do I do? Do you know what happened to Little Red Riding Hood when she went traipsing to Grandma's all alone? She was eaten by the Big Bad Wolf.
Oh, my God! Really? I've been reading this book, but there are pages missing.
Did you eat the pages? Josh told me what you're doing.
You cannot go to the cereal factory alone.
There could be a wolf dressed as Grandma.
You're right.
Turbo needs to go.
And now is the perfect time to do it.
When he's injured, hit by an arrow during the battle.
Unfortunately, these mall kids are pure priss.
They're not even the kids who got picked last for kickball.
No, these are the kids who had a doctor's note to get out of gym because they're allergic to dander.
You speak English? We are in America.
- English? - Look, we all do what we need to do to survive.
Suburban whities ignore anyone who doesn't look and sound like you.
People say anything around me because they think I don't understand shit, and that nets me information.
Intel is the only real currency that anyone can trade on.
You wanna take out Turbo? You need a tribe with skills.
English? We got a snake up in our house, y'all.
Someone shot Turbo Bro Jock with an arrow.
If you are the filth who tried to topple Turbo, 'fess up.
If you know who this stabber of backs is or have heard any whispers, you best to raise your hand and spill.
So that's how this is gonna go? You are all guilty until proven innocent.
All are punished! Court is now in session, motherfuckers! I play a lot of games, but want to know how I know you're for real? I'm not gonna brain my cousin just 'cause you kissed me.
I'm not trying to manipulate you, Wes.
Getting one off is my pre-game warmup.
Get in a sick cardio blast, and it releases dopamine.
It's like real science and shit.
I like when you talk smart.
I'm not dumb.
No, I know, but you did think that Hawaii and Alaska were next to each other.
That's how it looks on the map.
And you thought a cosine was getting your maid to sign your math homework.
I know sports, okay? And sports statistics, sports quotes, and toys and sports.
Okay, maybe I didn't get my dad's smart genes.
You did get his handsome DNA.
Please tell me that he's not some rich, Simba-hunting douche.
No.
No, my dad So he used to be, like, this mega tax lawyer, but after my mom died, he decided he needed to make the world a better place.
So he got AIDS drugs to kids in South Africa.
He was third chair in the war crimes trial for Slobodan MiloÅ¡eviÄ at The Hague.
He helps children detained at the border.
He's on the board of WHO, and PATH, and UNICEF, and the ACLU, and the NAACP, and YMCA.
He's done work for Pope Francis, Nelson Mandela, Malala Yousafzai, the Obamas, the Clooneys, the Dalai Lama, Kaepernick, LeBron - There's someone else I'm forgetting.
- Who? God? No.
Oprah.
Damn! He coming to the game? No, he's, um He's saving displaced Syrian orphans for the UN.
He does whatever it takes to protect the kids.
I'm gonna go to the mall for my pre-game ritual: grab a 5-hour and a Slim Jim.
Let's go for a walk.
Yeah, walking's a good workout.
Increases the flow of blood to the brain.
You want to know how I know you're for real? You are gonna take us all the way to state.
You're a winner.
You wanna kill Turbo? Follow me.
That wasn't Chinese.
It's Dothraki.
I also know Na'vi, Elvish, and a little Hebrew.
The JCC had a good preschool.
You've got some nerve, KJ, after the shit you pulled in Frogtown.
Josh, meet Aria Killigan and her elite strikeforce, The Game Overs.
These are assassins? You play video games.
We're a combat-ready unit.
Check out our Ghoulie kill-count.
Jonah Hill's kind of an easy target.
Fat Jonah Hill, sure, but skinny Jonah Hill is agile AF.
What were his last words? "I'm friends with Brad Pitt.
" - Of course.
- You can't be for real.
This is like a ten-year-old's birthday party playing games on Nerf mode.
We're online in elite arenas.
The bombs didn't knock out satellites.
We're playing across the globe.
Korea, Norway, Brazil.
We're not the only only ones left.
There's a whole wide world.
Is it is it the same everywhere? Like just kids, no adults, or do they have adults like Baron Triumph and the Witch? Are there animals mutating? Do they know why this happened? Why the bombs went off, or why we survived? What's the mission? Liquidate Turbo Bro Jock.
Fuck off.
- Don't get shook.
- No.
High School taught us one thing.
There are winners, and there are losers.
The best way to live: don't pick sides.
That's why gamers are anonymous.
Don't forget who pulled you out of the shit in Encino.
You owe me.
You do this, you're off my books.
Fine.
We'll help you.
Let's just feed him and get the fuck out of here.
Don't worry.
He's locked up.
I should've known Josh Wheeler would pick a rotten apple like you.
You remember me? How could I forget the girl who gave me explosive diarrhea? You owe me a pair of L.
L.
Bean chinos.
There's an Old Navy at the mall.
Well, that's hardly the same thing.
Feed him and go.
Oh, Ms.
Crumble, you must think the absolute worst of me.
I'm so sorry that I ran away when I saw you at the mall.
It was rude.
I was scared.
You're the boogeyman.
I still have feelings.
Fear is a natural reaction to seeing a ghost.
I don't believe in ghosts.
I didn't believe I'd ever see my racist Aunt Ida licking up gasoline at the ARCO station on Saticoy with her Filipino nurse from the Jewish Home for the Aging, but it happened.
Anything is possible now.
You you thought I was dead? Everybody I know is dead.
I'm so happy to learn that I'm not the only adult left in the world.
And, well I missed you.
I really, really missed you.
Wait.
Did you two fuck? I'm sorry.
This was a big, big mistake.
I should not have come here.
You know what? I have a Malbec that I tasted at a sommelier class at Sur La Table.
It has the woody bouquet of damp morels in a brown paper bag and would pair majestically with Angelica shank.
Crumble doesn't want to eat me.
She cares about me.
We're friends.
I have a pair of L.
L.
Bean chinos that tells me exactly how you treat your friends: you poop all over 'em.
Crumble came here to keep me safe.
Crumble came here to get you alone.
Oyez, oyez.
The Honorable Judge Turbo Pokaski presiding.
Each one of you was in the mall.
We're gonna go through this bitch to suss out fact from fuck-tion.
Someone in here is a traitor.
Someone's gonna Venmo for their treachery! Charged in from the east.
- Game for anything.
- In it to win it.
I was near the Aéropostale.
Pressed Juice.
- Airwalk.
- Juicy Couture.
I pulled a hammy.
I didn't even have a bow and arrow.
- I used a weed wacker.
- Triple nunchucks.
- A nine iron.
- At first, I thought it was my ACL, but no, it was a hammy.
We were dominating.
I was getting hungry I bagged three squifs.
Saw a Cinnabon.
I mean, the mall kids fought back.
Downed 50 BonBites.
I grabbed Matt and Will.
- Then I got thirsty.
- Little pyro tried to set me on fire.
Real thirsty.
Wesley, he knocked me down without throwing a punch.
That coconut water hit the spot.
No, I didn't see who shot the arrow.
I think it came from the Aéropostale.
- Airwalk.
- Juicy Couture.
- Nine West.
- And the next thing I know, I see Turbo bleeding, and I would have helped, but You pulled a hammy.
I don't know who did it, but maybe this is all just some big mistake.
Maybe the guilty party won't come forward because it was an accident, and they're too scared to admit it.
Are you calling Turbo a liar? I didn't know which one you wanted, so I got you all of them.
Either you lied about your dad being a lawyer, and he's actually a picture frame model, which is sad or this isn't really your dad, and you just bought a picture frame which is sadder.
No, this is embarrassing, but the truth is, my dad was working in Africa for Médecins Sans Frontières.
- That means Doctors Without Borders.
- I know what it means.
He was on a mission volunteering with Mary and Annie.
Mary and Annie? Mary J.
Blige and Annie Leibovitz.
Well, sure.
They were on this wildlife preserve, and Annie was taking pictures - 'Cause she's Annie Leibovitz.
- So a couple months later, a publisher was looking through her proofs and saw my dad.
This dude sells stock photos and wanted to buy the picture.
Apparently, exotic locations help sell frames, or some shit like that.
People wanna escape their mundane lives.
So Dad said yes, but only if they donate a portion of the sales to Doctors Without Borders.
You know you can be honest with me.
I'm not lying.
Whatever.
See you at the game.
We've been playing Overwatch with a Jock.
His username is 5318008.
This dude wants to kill Turbo for real.
He's the one that's gonna help us? That's the plan.
Our inside man should be online soon.
Hey, quit fogging up my screen, mouth breather.
Come.
Wait.
What? Gamer etiquette is serious.
Just mute your mic and watch.
I had no idea any of this was here.
Because you're an epic noob.
I do fine, thank you.
Doing fine is why you're a noob.
Oh, better to be a liar, like you? Don't you get it? Moral codes are worth less than stale Cheetos.
If you're such a ninja, then how come you were caught by Triumph? First, that's racist.
And second, you were caught too.
- I got us free.
- Because of me.
Why are you even helping me? You don't seem like the type who'd do something for nothing.
I don't.
Yes! All right.
5318008 is on board.
He'll help us get inside the school.
We move at 1700, full battle rattle.
Tonight, we squelch Turbo Pokaski.
Go away! Why are you doing this? Are you fucking around with me? Is this some Boy Cried Wolf shit, trying to teach me to be a better person? I'll tell Josh the truth, just stop doing this shit, okay? Ugh.
I think you hurt me.
I'm leaking.
Is this blood? Why is there black blood in my crotch? Is this why you wanna eat me? Fuck.
I think I just got my period.
Are you there, Crumble? It's me, Angelica.
I need help here.
I don't know how to tampon.
Maybe I can help.
Go away.
I wish I could, but you and I are both stuck at the moment.
Why are you being nice? I still care about children.
Ms.
Crumble and I are both dealing with the world changing, our bodies changing, just like you.
It's normal to be nervous.
Grown-ups who hide porn on their work laptops are nervous.
I'm not.
I can do this myself, fuck you very much.
As principal, I had to stay up-to-date on current trends in adolescent medicine.
And it's really very simple.
Just place the applicator tip at a 70-degree angle toward the base of your spine.
Unless you have a retroverted uterus.
Do you have a retroverted uterus? I can't even tell which end is the tip! And what is this string for? Do I like pull it for a parachute? No, you need the string.
Don't lose the string.
You can get toxic shock.
If commercials taught me anything, it's that this is my mom's responsibility.
She should be here to get the blood out of my pants, and stroke my face, and take me out for some fucking ice cream.
I know.
I know, sweetie.
Everything is upside down.
If you want some ice cream, I blended Ryan Scott into a nice gelato.
This coming-of-age story sucks.
And again, where the fuck were you? I was near the Aéropostale.
Pressed Juice.
Airwalk.
Juicy Couture.
Nine West.
The hair straightener kiosk.
And I pulled a hammy.
We've been going over this for hours.
And we'll keep right on truckin' till dawn if we have to.
Someone in this room is a deceiver, and no soul is leaving until we find out who.
It's me.
I'm the traitor.
Sit your slow ass down, Owen.
You weren't even there! I'm Equipment Manager.
If I don't put linseed oil on the bowstring, it misfires.
It's my fault.
I took my eye off the ball.
I just haven't been paying much attention because I've been running drills, weight training.
I've gained five pounds of muscle mass.
I thought I could make the team, like Rudy in Rudy, or Lucas in Lucas, or the waterboy in The Waterboy.
I just wanted to be part of the tribe.
Look, I betrayed you with my love.
Put me on the American Ninja Idol stage.
Just let me sing something from Jesus Christ Superstar.
There's no traitor.
Slowen failed.
By your law, he has to be punished.
Hey, fuck you, Gary! Owen is a treasure! - Fuck you! - Sit the fuck down! Sit the fuck down! Selena, where's my jacket? It's Homecoming.
You're supposed to take it to the dry cleaner.
Selena! Dad.
Hey, champ.
I thought you were in Syria.
I was in Syria.
And Budapest, Brussels, and Tokyo where I got you The guy said they were rare.
Perfect condition, original packages even.
I love it.
You're getting too old for these toys, aren't you? No.
No, no.
I don't know, maybe.
You just You only give me presents when you leave.
I met with DHS this morning.
They're getting me the visas I need for Aleppo.
My flight leaves in an hour.
- You know it's Homecoming tonight.
- I know, but I promised Pong Pong I'd make them s'mores.
This game gets us into state.
College scouts are coming.
Also, you know coach is dying? I thought he was retiring.
He's retiring because he's dying! This game is important to me.
I get it.
I get it, my big Turbo Bro Jock.
I hate it when you call me that.
Hey.
There are 5,000 kids waiting for me to bring them those visas.
They're hungry.
They're dying.
Ten every hour.
Now, if I stay, that delays my trip by 16 hours.
That's 160 dead orphans for a three-hour football game.
Do you really want me to stay? It's up to you.
Or do you want me to do whatever it takes to protect the children? What's going on? Power is cut.
Username 5318008 said that we could find Turbo in Mrs.
Fitz's old class.
Everyone move into kill positions.
Unit, report in.
Nimrod, check.
Bronyboy, standing by.
Styx, getting into position in the south corridor.
Styx is fragged.
Everyone, hold your position.
Shit! Someone's coming! Bronyboy is offline.
Something is wrong here.
Something is really fucking wrong.
You're the last one standing, Killigan.
Fuck.
Turbo isn't in Mrs.
Fitz's class.
There's just some scared kids in here.
No.
No, no! We've been set You lose.
You lose.
You lose.
You lose.
You lose! You lose! You lose! After the episiotomy, during which the skin between the vagina and the anus is sliced open to prevent the skin from tearing, the fetus emerges from the birth canal, - coated in a film of vernix caseosa - Ugh! a cheese-like substance.
Babies who have Our perimeter is locked down.
Twenty-four-hour guards, a minefield.
Shit, the only thing we're missing is a moat filled with piranhas.
Someone let you in the school.
Who? Oh, we got days of educational films for you to watch.
What's next? Inside the Urethra: Gonorrhea and You.
Or there's Hobo Jim Lost a Limb: Danger on the Railroad Tracks.
What is the traitor's name? His username is 5318008.
That's your username, Gary.
5318008? That spells "boobies" on a calculator.
That sounds like Gary.
I never played Overwatch.
I saw you playing yesterday.
Okay, but not with these assburgers.
5318008 plays as Wrecking Ball.
Gary plays as Wrecking Ball.
5318008 has a biohazard skin.
Gary has a biohazard skin.
5318008 kinda sucks at laying mines.
Gary kinda sucks at laying mines.
Did you even pull a hammy, 5318008? I get inflamed muscles.
Barry knows.
Tell 'em it wasn't me, Barry.
Tell them it wasn't fucking me.
You said the Jocks were all swole.
You said we'd methodically plan our path to the hole.
We're masters.
This is bullshit.
I'm being set up.
I'm being fucking set up! Permission to treat the witness as hostile? An all new episode of American Ninja Idol returns tonight at 8:00 p.
m.
I don't know, hoss.
All this evidence against Gary, and he still won't confess? Something's not kosher.
I know just how to whisper And I know just how to cry I know just where to find the answers And I know just how to lie I know just how to fake it And I know just how to scheme Car's here.
Wanna walk me down, champ? I know just when to face the truth And then I know just when to dream And I know just where to touch you And I know just what to prove I know when to pull you closer And I know when to let you loose And I know the night is fading And I know the time's gonna fly And I'm never gonna tell you Everything I've gotta tell you But you know I'm gonna give it a try And I know the roads to riches And I know the ways I talked to Hoyles about your dad.
I'm sorry I said you were lying.
I'm sorry I asked you to hit your cousin.
Just need a win.
And I'll never let you fall And I don't know how you do it Making love You're smiling.
It was you.
You set this all up.
Out of nothing at all Out of nothing at all Out of nothing at all I can make the runner stumble I can make the final block I can make every tackle At the sound of the whistle I can make all the stadiums rock I can make tonight forever Or I can make it disappear by the dawn And I can make you every promise That has ever been made I can make all your demons be gone But I don't know how to leave you And I'll never let you fall And I don't know how you do it Making love out of nothing at all Out of nothing at all Out of nothing at all My hammy! No! I don't know what to do.
About? Anything! I'm a dope.
I mean, Wesley lied.
I totally fell for it.
You lied, and I totally fell for it.
Shit.
You know, everything I thought I knew about the apocalypse has been absolutely wrong.
I just wish I knew something that is true.
KJ stands for Karen Jane.
It's a first-generation Chinese thing.
Truth.
Well, it's my dumb fault the gamers were caught.
I should have let this go, but I was so pissed at Turbo and Wesley, too.
I wanted to hurt them both.
It was childish.
I mean, Burr was right.
We're all out of control! No! You freed those kids from Baron Triumph and gave them a home, and me.
The mall can be a place for all the stragglers that don't fit in.
I've never met anyone like you.
You're a good guy.
You're so nice.
Nice is what you say when you have nothing else to say about someone.
It's lame.
I'm not nice.
Crumble? Figured out how to use the tampon.
Maybe you won't go crazy if you can't smell the blood.
It's cherry scented.
Help me.
Crumble? - Oh, what's wrong? - I'm sorry.
Please help me.
It hurts.
You're okay.
It's okay.
position in the south corridor.
Shit! Someone's coming! No.
No, no! We've been set You lose.
You lose.
You lose.
You lose! You lose! You lose! You lose! You lo