Daytime Divas (2017) s01e07 Episode Script

(Maxine) Previously on Daytime Divas You really think someone should get away with murder just because they're rich and famous.
I have busted my ass for everything that I've ever got.
So did my mom, but she didn't have to steal anyone's work.
Savannah, can you help Brad with this? - I'm Ella.
- But just at home.
- Not in front of Daddy.
- I'm so sorry about Brad.
(Kibby) I've been cheated on more times than I can count.
I desperately need your help downstairs.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Oh, my God, you're like a secret whore.
I shouldn't be your sober coach anymore.
- Meet our new guest co-host.
- Cecile James.
- Do you have a second? - Sure.
That question I asked on air Hey, you know that question that I asked you - Hi.
- Was your question out of If you don't mind, I was wondering if I could ask you a few questions about Ted Windsor? We have got a big problem.
I heard you were asking about me, detective? Oh, it's you.
Hi.
Oh, I, I don't touch cops.
Literally.
Hmm.
Well, please have a seat.
[clears throat.]
So I guess your doorman mentioned that I stopped by.
William, is it? Uh, yes, I think that's his name.
Look, detective, people have always had this morbid curiosity about the death of my husband, you know.
Being a public figure or a celebrity people love to find scandals where there are none.
I was just takin' a look at the files you know, I wanted to clear some things up.
Well, it was about 11 years ago.
The wound is still raw.
You must be able to remember the events of that night pretty vividly, huh? Oh, I'll never forget.
It started out so perfectly.
We had a beautiful graduation dinner for my son at, uh, Mil Morel.
Have you ever been? [laughs.]
No.
I, I can't even afford lox for my bagel.
So, um, what happened after Mil Morel? Exactly what was in the papers.
'Ted left early about 10:00 to handle some work.
' Shawn and I had a nightcap and then went for a stroll in this gorgeous city that you keep so safe.
And then I went home a little after midnight.
And then my whole world fell apart.
There was Ted on the floor in a pool of blood.
The restaurant.
That was the last time you saw your husband alive.
I never got a chance to tell him how much I loved him.
Well, thank you, Ms.
Robinson.
Sorry you had to relive all these painful memories.
If it clears up any confusion, it was worth it.
Definitely did.
And if you're ever in the neighborhood stop by at "The Lunch Hour.
" I promise we will have lox for your bagel.
Will do.
If the kids at school ask you anything about me and daddy not living together you tell them that it is a sin to gossip and to MYOB.
Mommy, my tummy hurts.
Nice try, but you are still going to school.
I can't, I'm sick.
No, you're not.
Ella doesn't wanna go to school 'cause Brian O'Donnell teases him in PE.
The kid who drools makes fun of you? - Shut up! - Ella, language.
And he said Ella's not allowed to use the bathroom.
- I said shut up.
- And I said language.
Savannah, what are you taking about? Ella doesn't like the boys' room but the principal won't let him use the girls' room.
Ella, sweetheart, there's nothing that I can do about that so can you please do Mommy a big favor and just use the boys' bathroom? And don't pay attention to Brian O'Donnell.
His mother's famous jubilee cake is from a mix.
Are you avoiding me now? [sighs.]
Nah, just busy.
Right, busy findings ways of not talking to me.
Come on, cut the crap.
What's goin' on? Actually, nothin' is.
I've thought about it.
And for right now, us taking a break from each other actually works for me.
Does it matter what works for me? Well, good to know.
Can I have my blue cards? Nina! Nina! Nina! It's Gary.
Look, the guy needs a job.
'He's here like twice a week.
' Oh, stop.
He's a bigger fan of me than you are.
I got it.
I got it.
It's all good.
I'm going to the show! Oh, hey, Heath.
I'm starting my Christmas list early.
What size knee pads do you wear? Oh, I'm a size go fudge yourself.
They're all of those, but they have plenty in size whore.
Cecile.
Oh, hi.
I'm just here for a second.
I forgot my makeup bag.
Nice to see y'all.
Can you believe that Kibby still hasn't apologized for calling me that horrible name? I'm sure you will work it out.
Bye.
No, no, you can't just leave.
This is all your fault.
'You and your alpha woman advice made her feel like' she can conquer anything including my sober coach's dick.
- Maxine.
- Cecile, you were fantastic.
- Come back anytime.
- Oh, no.
I mean, I am so busy.
Thanks to you guys I'm goin' on a book tour.
And Tina Fey is developing "Alpha Woman" into a movie.
So, um, bye, bitches, and I say that with love.
Peace.
I really am gonna miss her.
She was the best guest co-host ever.
Janet Mock, you're gonna be the best guest co-host ever.
Janet interviewed me for "People".
Actually, Kibby, it was "Marie Claire".
Oh, yeah, I don't remember.
I was wasted.
You're, you're Yes, Heather, she's our first trans co-host.
Don't freak out.
I was gonna say you're so beautiful.
Thank you.
I'm so excited for this week.
Janet, I watch your show all the time.
- You have your own show? - It's on MSNBC.
But I think that network is blocked in your home.
Oh, well, for that witch Rachel Maddow but I will definitely watch you.
Do you have a stylist or do you pick out your own clothes? (Janet) I usually pick out my own stuff.
What about you? I love that.
- Oh, thank you - Gross.
Heather's making Janet think she's her BFF.
But just wait, as soon as the camera start rolling she's gonna go right-wing on her ass.
She is so manipulative.
I love it.
(Maxine) In all my years reporting the news I've interviewed presidents, princes, and pop stars.
But there are other voices that I wanted to be heard.
So a decade ago, I created a show where women could sit down and say what's on their minds.
And, boy, do they ever! We have a real slice of American pie who puts faith and family first.
A Pulitzer prize winning journalist with a passion for justice.
A child star who is all grown up.
Her POV is OMG.
And featuring special guest host, Janet Mock.
And me, Maxine Robinson.
I'm in the left chair everyday at noon on "The Lunch Hour" where no topic is taboo.
Hello everyone and welcome to the "The Lunch Hour.
" Look who we have joining us for lunch the lovely Janet Mock.
It is such an honor to be here amongst women who continue to inspire me to tell my truth and dish some celebrity dirt.
We're, we're about to get into some hot gossipin'.
Sadly, one of our own is a cover story.
Heather, would you like to say something? Thank you, Maxine.
This is a very difficult time for our family and we would appreciate our privacy and your prayers.
Well, if it's any consolation, you're not alone, Heather.
So many celebrity couples are throwing gossip grenades at each other.
Oh, it's just legal strategy.
Lawyers always make stuff up, so your ex looks bad.
But you know who really gets hurt in these nasty custody cases? It's, it's the children.
You know what, Heather, I actually agree with you.
Wow, bizarro.
But why go to court and through all of this ugliness when 70% of the time judges are gonna award custody to the primary caregiver? So in the case of celebrities, you mean the nanny? No, I mean the mother.
So, Nina, are you saying that 70% of the time the mother gets custody? Isn't that very, very high? Check it out.
It's a fact.
(Maxine) But what if the father seeks custody? Won't the court often grant it to him? Only if the mother is unfit.
Not to mention, I mean, the mother plays a more significant role in the early stages of the child's development.
- Truth! Whoo! - Thank you.
Well, not to contradict the enthusiastic audience member out there, but all parents are important to a child's early development, right? You know, all of these marriages breaking up is really depressing.
Let's move on to something a little less personal.
Janet, are you happy? I mean, would you say that you're a happy person? - Yes, I'm actually very happy.
- Oh, God.
Here we go.
I am so glad to hear that.
That makes me feel so much better for you.
Thanks.
- Great show today, Heather.
- Thank you.
For everyone except you.
You sucked.
- Lay off Janet.
- What are you talking about? I just had some questions.
I'm curious.
Luckily, we ran out of time before you could ask her what kind of parts she has.
Why can't you just let people be their authentic selves? Don't you dare lecture me about authenticity.
Do you know how hard it is for me to go out there and talk about my beliefs in front of people like you? Yeah, it must be hard for you to be so wrong all the time.
Don't make assumptions about someone until you walked a mile in their shoes.
I wouldn't walk two feet in your shoes.
Or your dress or your hair.
Well, if we're going there I wouldn't be caught dead in your [groans.]
Who am I kidding? You can pull off anything.
But I'm not gonna judge you for that because I'm a practicing Christian.
Something you might wanna look into.
Just lay off Janet.
[sighs.]
What a day I've had.
Well, you carry it well.
I met with that detective this morning and everything, all the questions have been put to bed.
- Oh, let's hope so.
- Everything's under control.
We can relax.
So how about you bring my package upstairs? [chuckles.]
I'd love to but I have a big problem.
My mother's in town.
Willy.
When Willy told me that the Maxine Robinson lived in this building, I swear to you I was gonna set up a tent in the lobby just to get a glimpse of you.
- Mom! - It's true.
Come give me a hug.
Well, I'm not really much of a hugger, but Oh! Well, uh, I guess we're hugging.
Hmm, Willy was right.
Mm, rich people do smell good.
- What, mum? I never said that.
- You said it.
He also told me about your little secret.
What, what secret? Well, Willy gets the newspaper from the nasty neighbors every morning and gives it to you.
- Oh.
- Yes.
I'll give you all the tea in exchange for two tickets for "The Lunch Hour".
I'm sure the show is booked weeks in advance.
- You can't just - William.
We'd love to have you.
Why don't you swing by the show tomorrow? Oh, thank you, darling.
Would you like to come with me, Willy? Uh, sure, I-I guess.
- I'm sure I could swap shifts.
- Good.
Oh, and by the way you better not give me no cheap seats.
That's Gloria.
- [knocks.]
- Mom.
You know I can't approve this new couch.
When I say keep a close eye on expenses, I mean other people's.
I need this couch.
This couch is durable and vomit-proof.
Not like this one.
Are you plannin' on throwin' up? No, but your baby is.
When my grandchild comes and visits me daily after the show.
Hopefully, unless Nina has full custody.
Did you hear what she was saying yesterday at the round table? I usually just tune you guys out 'cause after five years of producing this show it's all blah, blah, blah, best jeans for your body blah, blah, blah, yeast infections suck blah, blah, blah, women rule.
Well, that blah, blah, blah pays your bills, bills, bills.
Now, listen, what Nina said yesterday about mother's rights was very disturbing.
I think you should talk to a lawyer.
- Come on, mom.
That's crazy.
- You need to protect yourself.
And me.
I'm not gonna be one of those grandmothers that sees her grandchild every other Christmas.
Nina might be intense and complicated but she would never keep me away from my baby.
I have been around long enough to know that people can do crazy things.
And when it comes to family, they can act in ways you could never expect.
Trust me.
It's time for you to lawyer up.
I'm gettin' this couch.
Hon, would you mind making my hair look a little extra whorish? Yeah, and for mine, could you make it extra hypocritical and full of shit? I'm sure Heather can give you some pointers.
You guys, can you please take an Ambien and put this feud to rest? Oh, Ambien.
Kibby, didn't you get a DUI for driving on that? Hey, "Lacey From Outer Spacey" guess who's coming to our show.
- Your TV dad.
- Vance? - Yeah.
Vance Gordon.
- Really? Wow! Yeah, he's coming to promote some pretentious HBO mini-series, so we'll talk about it for exactly one minute and move into the big "Lacey" reunion.
- The fans will eat it up.
- Yum.
Sounds like a blast.
Maybe I should ask Vance for some pointers while he's here.
On what? How to work with someone who's so unprofessional.
Because you looked so professional icing Julian's D? Okay, enough, both of you.
Oh, Kibby, stop slut shaming and, Heather, I can't believe you did that.
I didn't suck Julian's D.
Okay.
Nina, can I talk to you for a second? - Sure.
- No.
Don't leave me alone with her.
[sighs.]
Look, whatever happens between us it's gonna be 50-50 when it comes to the baby, right? - Of course.
- Good.
- Whenever possible.
- What does that mean? Well, in a perfect world, we would make every decision together, but that's not realistic.
- So I'll have primary custody.
- Wait, Nina.
I'm gonna be involved in my kid's life.
Of course, you will.
I'll set up visitation Visitation? I'm not gonna be some weekend dad.
- I promise you you won't.
- And how do I know that? Because I give you my word.
We both know that doesn't count for anything.
Wow, Shawn, that's really low.
- I'm gettin' a lawyer.
- You really wanna go there? I'm just bein' smart.
Well, then maybe the smart thing for me to do would be to get a lawyer too.
Do what you need to do.
[sighs.]
Great job, everyone.
Nah.
It was just okay.
Nina seems as if she was phoning hers in and that warm-up guy, my goodness, he was quite annoying.
- Mom.
- Well, hello, Gloria.
I see you helped yourself with some swag bags.
- Oh, yes, a bunch of crap.
- Mom.
Maybe you should thank Maxine for inviting you today.
Thank you, darling.
Now, tell me about tomorrow's show.
Aren't you gonna have audience giveaways like Oprah did when she's sayin' you get a car, you get a car and you get a car.
She also socked everyone with a $7000 tax bill but does anyone remember that? Anyway, we would love to have you back tomorrow and maybe you can even meet some of the co-hosts.
(Gloria) Oh, it's not about the co-host.
I wanna meet that Mo.
Well, that Mo is gone forever.
What a shame.
Well, I'm gonna come back tomorrow anyway.
But right now, I'm gonna take a selfie in the left chair.
I see she's quite the original.
Now you know how I'm able to put up with you.
You wanna touch it, don't you? - Can I? - No.
Great job today, Janet.
You really bought a fresh perspective.
- Any trolls yet? - Well, no more than the usual.
Well, Gary sure hasn't left me alone.
Forty-three messages from one person, that's a lot, right? Huh, that's like a slow day for me.
You should have seen the reaction when I posted my wedding pictures.
- You're married? - Blissfully.
He's my best friend and so good to look at.
When I first started on the show the trolls liked to call me a slutty train wreck.
- Hmm, they still do.
- Bite me bitch.
So it doesn't bother you what people say? No, I've been dealing with ignorance my entire life.
Really? And, like, in school did teachers understand what you were going through? No, it was a different time.
You know, Caitlyn hadn't transitioned yet and trans-parent wasn't streaming then.
It must have been very difficult for you growing up.
Yeah, but you know, I was lucky I had parents who were there for me and wouldn't take crap from anyone.
Their love's the reason why I turned out okay and got all this sickening hair.
- Oh, it's so - No.
Here it is the "Lacey From Outer Spacey" trivia wheel.
Oh, wow, amazing.
So we'll find who knows more about Lacey, you or Vance.
Gee, I better take my memory pill.
Oh, God.
Was that an episode? Put that in.
I've actually never really seen her show.
[phone rings.]
(Vance) Hello.
Kibby? I don't want you on the show, I don't want you here.
Kibby, I'm sorry you're upset Listen to me, Vance.
You need stay away.
I don't care what you have to do to get out of it, but make sure you don't come anywhere near me.
So you served Maxine Robinson and her family the night that her husband died? Yes, and I know what you're thinking.
How am I still a waiter at Mil Morel 11 years later? And, look, sometimes I wonder that too.
But in the past year, I've gotten a lot of really good auditions and I think it's just That's great, really is and I'm sure it'll happen for ya.
But I'm really just here to talk about that night.
You remember any of the conversation? Are you kidding? I was eavesdropping the entire time.
It was Maxine Robinson! Fantastic.
Um, was there anything in particular that stood out to you? Things got pretty heated.
Like Shawn got up from the table and looked like he was going to fight him, but then Queen Maxine stepped in and saved the day.
Sounds like a typical loving family dinner? Right, and it's just so sad that her husband, like, died two hours later.
So you were saying Shawn was really angry? It was borderline scary.
(Gloria) Mm, my homemade sweet potato pie.
It's so good it'll make you smack your mama.
Don't give me any ideas.
I would love a piece, but we're we making a cardamom cake on the show and I have to take a bite for the audience.
Cardamom, who? Child, please, you got a pie audience.
I just need to be here with you guys.
Let me be on the show.
- Uh, makeup, hair.
- Mom, you can't do that.
I'm sorry, Gloria, but we book our guests for our show months in advance.
But can't you make an exception? We're sort of like family.
Ooh.
Hi.
Uh, this is William and his mother, Gloria.
- Hi.
- It's nice to meet you all.
How do you know Maxine? William is the doorman in my building.
Hm, that's what we're calling it now.
Uh, Nina, did you get a piece? Oh, uh, I have two.
She's pregnant.
The baby will be mixed race.
Who knew Maxine was so friendly with her doorman? Who knew Maxine was friendly with anyone? I love this pumpkin pie.
Baby girl, that's sweet potato pie.
[cell phone beeps.]
Yeah, I really felt the best jeans for my body are Uh, don't tell me.
All jeans? I'm more of a dress girl myself.
Really? So you never wear pants? Nina, Nina, why did you block me? I thought we were friends.
- Security! - That wasn't very nice.
Security! [indistinct shouting.]
Nina! Nina! Nina! - Are you okay? - Yeah.
Uh, here's a video from our high-heel jogathon.
Hey, he's outta here.
Are you okay? I'm fine, Shawn.
Thanks.
Okay.
Alright, we're back in three, two We apologize for the interruption but sometimes our "Lunch Hour" fans simply can't control themselves.
Sometimes obsession is just another form of flattery.
Well, one that we could do without.
But while we're on the topic of obsession Janet, your book is amazing.
Ah, thank you.
Girl lives for a good plug.
"Redefining Realness" is such a great title So when did you know that you were a girl? Oh, Heather, I've always known I was a girl.
Exactly, because like you said and So do you have a lot of friends? I mean, I mean, from your, your community.
I have friends from lots of communities.
I think it's interesting that you talked about the misconceptions that people have I'm so sorry, I don't mean to be intrusive but it's so fascinating to me.
So when did you change uh physically? My goodness, Heather, judging by all the questions you have it sounds like you're working through your own gender issues.
[laughs.]
Oh, no, no, no, no, I'm definitely a real girl.
Just as real as you are, girl.
Except you're a real idiot.
And we'll be right back.
Great job yesterday, Heather.
You pissed off a transperson.
- Your career is basically over.
- So are your 20s.
Bitch, I'm 24.
I hate you.
Sweetheart, I have some bad news.
Oh, Heather is still a co-host? Are we still doing this? I'll stop when she stops being a terrible person.
Kibby, I'm sorry, but Vance Gordon had to cancel.
He had a last-minute scheduling conflict.
Oh, bummer, that was gonna be so fun.
But no worries, we can repurpose the wheel.
How about the wheel of misfortune for next month's segment on STDs? Great idea.
I know you were really looking forward to this reunion.
Yeah, it was gonna be awesome to see him again.
It's been so long.
Well, we'll try to reschedule.
Can't wait.
[sighs.]
Mm.
Hey, do you see the sign? No food, no smoke, no sex.
Please, just one more bite.
Oh, come on, this is my breakfast kebab.
I'm pregnant.
I'm starving, and I need my iron.
- [cell phone ringing.]
- Oh.
Oh, baby daddy.
He's probably calling to apologize.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Uh, I was just calling to make sure you're doing okay after our buddy Gary decided to make a cameo yesterday.
Well, thank you.
Yeah, I'm fine.
- I'll see you at work? - Oh, hey, hey.
Uh, are you, uh, are you available next Thursday at 2:00? Sure.
For what? My lawyer wants to start a conversation about custody and I don't want things to drag on and get contentious.
Oh, so we're doing this now? I mean, Nina, we're up against the clock here.
I'd like to have this settled before my baby arrives.
Our baby is not due for months and it's too late for this to not get contentious.
My lawyer and I will definitely be there.
Then it's a date.
That obviously wasn't an apology.
Fine, eat your kebab.
Just no crying.
Maxine, I feel terrible about my insensitive comments yesterday.
Do you genuinely feel terrible or is just because of the backlash 'cause every LGBTQ group is P for pissed? Well, honestly, I-I wasn't being anti-transpeople women phobic or At least not intentionally.
Okay, how about you take the top of the show and apologize to Janet? Thank you.
And make sure you apologize to her privately.
- I've tried, I - Well, try harder.
Women are stubborn.
Nina, we need to talk.
- Gary.
- Why did you block me? - I thought we were friends.
- How did you get in here? Your security sucks.
You really hurt my feelings.
When you did that piece on bullying I thought you were standing up for me and now my Gary, let's just get off of the elevator and I can help you with whatever it is that you need help with.
- No, um, let's take a selfie.
- What? Let's, uh, let's take a selfie and, um, then you could post it everywhere and everyone will know that we're friends.
Okay, let's just get out and I can take as many selfies as you want.
Why are you making this hard? Okay, smile.
Okay.
Let's have fun.
Let's have fun.
Scary one.
Let's do a scary one.
Oh, I see they got you your backstage pass.
That was very kind of you, Ms.
Robinson.
Yes, do you give this VIP treatment to the all the doormen's mommas? I didn't think so because no one is as cute as my son.
- Let me show you the mainstage.
- Hmm.
- You Shawn Robinson? - Yeah.
Detective Stagliano, your, your mom invited me to stop by the show sometime, so [chuckles.]
Okay, she seems to be doing that a lot lately.
Yeah, yeah, just, uh, wanted to ask you a few questions about Ted Windsor's death.
I don't know how I can help you.
Plus, the timing's not great.
We're about to go on air soon.
I'm more than happy to schedule a sit-down at the station if you like.
You and your mom, uh, you seem very close.
Of course.
Were you close at the time of Ted's death? We've always been tight.
What about your relationship with Ted? - Shawn, we can't find Nina.
- What do you mean? She's not here and she's not answering her phone.
Detective, I gotta handle this.
How about I give you a call? I don't mind stickin' around.
And this beats hanging out in the smelly squad room any day.
Hey, are those eggrolls they're putting out there? Yeah, knock yourself out.
- Yeah, thanks.
- Yeah.
[phone rings.]
Hey, Nina, not cool.
This better not be some sort of power play because you know I'm gettin' a lawyer.
This is totally unprofessional.
Sir, Nina's stuck on the elevator with that guy we kicked out of the studio yesterday.
Jesus.
Come on.
- How long has she been there? - No more than a few minutes.
Why the hell isn't she off the elevator yet? - We're workin' on it, sir.
- Work faster.
- Mom, we have a problem.
- I heard.
You look like you're being held hostage in all of these.
It's a good thing I have backups.
Look.
I want pictures like that.
That's what I want, okay? Like that.
To be honest, you've been acting very weird since we got back from Hawaii.
Gary, why are you doing this? Because you don't listen.
See, I-I've sent you like a million messages and you never responded and It really hurts my feelings.
You're right, you're right.
I'm sorry.
I should've responded and I should've taken the time to hear you out Nobody ever listens to me.
I thought you were different.
Um, Gary so tell me, did we have fun in Hawaii? Don't treat me like I'm crazy.
Does this look I'm crazy? Snorkeling? - We have to cancel the show.
- Uh, no, I-I wouldn't.
Crazy fans feed on attention.
The more contained we keep it, the better.
Don't worry, Shawn.
I got the show covered.
Fine.
What are we gonna tell the other co-hosts? Nina is stuck in traffic.
Oh, no.
Who's gonna make us feel intellectually inferior? - I got you, boo.
- So let's have a great show.
Janet, before we go out there, there's just there's something that I need to say.
No need.
I got your number.
No, you don't.
You really, you really don't have my number.
I know that I was asking you a lot of questions, but it's not because I'm judging you.
You're totally judging.
- I'm not judging.
- Ladies.
Please, you beat out the governor of North Carolina for transphobe of the year.
I'm not transphobic.
I'm not.
My son is Well, I guess that he's my daughter.
She's my daughter.
She's a a trans.
Brad Junior? Ella.
Oh, Heather.
It's the first time you said it out loud.
Yes.
(female announcer) "The Lunch Hour" starts now.
And here they are, Maxine, Kibby, Heather and special guest co-host Janet Mock.
We're short a co-host, so watch the wide.
(Maxine) Hello and welcome Shawn's not here, someone has to step up and I'm head PA.
Heather, is there something you'd like to say? Thank you.
Yesterday, I made some thoughtless comments that were, uh offensive.
Look, if people get so tripped up about how to talk about things, no one will talk about anything.
Mistakes happen.
It's okay to be trans-ignorant.
It's never okay to be transphobic.
Now that we've settled that, can we talk about something that's really bugging me? Millennials dying their hair gray.
Right.
I mean, if you wait long enough, it will happen.
For free.
When I found out they were throwin' away all of this good food at the end of every show I said uh-uh.
I'm takin' it home.
Now grab that jam jar because if it's open, they'll toss too.
Mom, you're not taking any of this.
It's nice to see Maxine's so friendly with her building staff.
Friendly? I got a feeling my son is opening more than doors for her.
- Mom.
- Detective.
What are you doing here? There she is, the woman who's too good to admit she's dating my son.
- Mom, for God's sake.
- What are you talking about? Dating? Uh, William is my doorman.
I buy him a ham every Easter.
Ham my ass.
Just because you have this big old TV show does not mean you're better than my son.
Just a few days ago, you didn't even know his name.
- That's very interesting? - Okay, everyone, we're back.
Excuse me, detective, but, uh one of us has to go and do their job.
Open the goddamn door.
Just move back and let us do our job.
And then my boss accuses me of stealing? Which I wasn't, and I tried to tell him that but he wouldn't listen, you know.
He just doesn't listen.
I understand how frustrated you are.
Did you know that every day on this show Heather doesn't listen to a word I say? She should.
She should.
Exactly.
Welcome back, uh, and now we're going from trans talk to our favorite segment, trash talk.
Yay, finally.
What celebrities are hooking up? Oh, this is gonna be so much fun without Nina telling us we're shallow.
Why shouldn't there be paid maternity leave gun control and mental healthcare for all? - Absolutely.
- Right.
Well, according to "Celebrity Fever" Selena Gomez might have a new beau.
Oh, that's old news.
I have the scoop and it involves someone you know very, very well.
Me.
Camera 3, push in on Maxine.
(Maxine) I want you all to be the first to know that I am happily dating Ooh, ooh, let me guess.
You're dating Stedman.
Yeah, it has your picture of you with him at the Image Awards and Oprah was enraged and slapped you? - What? - Kibby, none of that's true.
And no, I'm not dating Stedman and neither is Oprah.
Shade.
I am dating a wonderful man, William McCann.
William McCann is my doorman.
And although I've known him for many years we only became a couple a little while ago.
- Holy shit.
- I knew it.
My son could never hide anything from me.
Well, congratulations.
She's quite a catch.
I think we really understand each other, Gary.
You need to keep speaking up.
Okay? Everybody needs to be heard.
Shut up, although now when I think about it your doorman is pretty hot.
I think we got her.
I want him cuffed and detained.
We're friends, it's okay.
Nina.
Nina.
No, Gary, friends don't hold friends hostage.
Look, I hope you get the help that you need and - If you need an advocate, I - You'll help me? I can recommend someone.
- Nina, Nina.
- Come on.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Are you okay? Yeah, yeah, I'm fine, I'm just [sighs.]
I'm a little rattled.
- But I'm okay.
- Look, Nina, I'm so sorry.
I didn't mean any of that crap I said before.
Listen, I don't, I don't know what we are but we're something.
[sighs.]
We are.
So what do we do? How about until we figure it out, we call off the lawyers? That works.
And do me a favor.
Don't listen to your messages.
And they just carried Gary away? I feel bad for him.
Well, as bad as you can feel for someone who's crazy and trying to kill you.
Are you sure you're okay? Yeah, I'm, I'm fine.
[sighs.]
So come on, tell me.
What did I miss? Well, you know, the ushe, we talked about body image and men being terrible and Maxine's dating her doorman and Heather's kid is trans.
What, oh, wait, what? - [knock on door.]
- Uh, Nina, come with me.
I've got a doctor waiting for you.
- Oh, Maxine - I don't wanna hear it.
Okay.
It's my grandchild in there.
Are you really dating your doorman? It's a long story.
Uh, Heather, wait.
I thought Ella might like this.
Little girls love sparkly things in their hair.
I know I did.
Kibby.
Ella will really like this.
Well, give me a hug, you whore.
Ramona, hey, uh, great job today.
These are for you.
Oh, my God.
Thank you.
This has been the best day of my life.
That is so sad.
Mm.
[knocks.]
So You and William.
I've got like a million questions to most of which - I don't wanna know the answer to.
- Good.
Cheers to another crappy day.
So, um I saw you talking to that detective.
Yeah.
He was all over me about what I was doing the night that Ted died.
But then all that stuff happened with Nina We're gonna need to talk.
You know I, I still think about that night all the time.
It's hard not to.
You lyin' piece of shit, where's my money? It's all gone! - Calm down.
- What did you do? You know, you're a spoiled brat who runs to mommy to clean up all of your messes.
Don't you put your hands on me! - Shawn, come on, come on.
- You get control of him.
Don't you ever talk to my son like that again.
Honey, it wasn't your fault.
You're damn right and I don't feel a bit guilty.
It's so pretty.
Why don't you put it on? But we're not at home.
Mommy's changing the rules a little.
From now on, you get to be you anywhere.
And we're gonna start looking for a new school.
And until then Mommy is going to homeschool you.
Good, you can help me with long division.
Thank you very much.
All my mother can talk about now is how Maxine Robinson is her daughter-in-law.
Evidently, we're doing Thanksgiving at your house in Aspen.
Sorry, my hand was forced.
By the detective or my mother? No, honestly, they both scare the hell out of me.
If they find out we were together the night that Ted died it'll look like an episode of "Dateline".
Two passionate lovers driven to madness.
Yeah, yeah, I get it.
But instead you're the guy who was right under my nose for years who I suddenly saw for the first time.
You're such a romantic.
Well, William, isn't it time we went public? I mean, look at us.
Who else do I show my Spanx to? I like to spank your Spanx.
But I just would have liked to have been told before you told the whole world.
Well, not the whole world, just 2.
5 million US and another 5 million worldwide.
Look, darling, I'm unpredictable.
It's one of the things you love about me.
You do keep people guessing.
Next time on Daytime Divas (Heather) Ne Hey, Max, happy to see me?.
.
" Hi, Star Jones.
I'd watch my back if I were you, little girl.
It's just an honor to be nominated.
We don't win.
We never win.
- Hi.
- Brad, what are you doing here? - Kibby, it's your space dad.
- There's my girl.
What is this I hear about "Morning Talk"? They made an offer.
So make a choice, Jason.
You want Mo or you want me? I have an appointment with that detective tomorrow.
Oh, there's no need to worry.
You know what to say.
My mom is lying to me about something important and I don't know what to do about it.
Mind your own goddamn business.